* * *
Carefully he lifted the boy the three steps to the top and set him in the middle of the sensor. "Shingam, this is a special device that projects a hologram around your entire body. What'll happen is, Madam Jeovony will stand over there at that console and hit a few buttons to take your measurements, that way you're clothes will fit just right. Then she'll give me a listing of all the different items she has in your size, and we'll pick out some things for you to try on. When we're done, Jeovony will go back to the console and make the clothes appear on your body as if you were really wearing them. That's what the hologram's for. It won't hurt you, and when you step off the platform, you'll still be wearing the clothes you've got on right now. Jeovony will select all the clothes you like and she'll have them all ready for us when we leave. Killa will do the same thing, and even Trowa's going to try it. It'll be fun. Are you ready?"
Hesitantly, Shingam looked past him to Killashandra, before looking back at him and offering a weak nod.
"Everything's going to be ok. Now just stand right there." Brushing Shingam's hair back from his face, he stepped off the platform and moved back to sit next to Trowa. "He'll be ok, he's just a little nervous." Trowa nodded.
"Alright, Shingam, stand very still." Madam Jeovony was at the console now. A moment later a bright ring of light, fell from the top of the ceiling, to the ground at Shingam's feet. The boy looked startled and a little frightened, before he reassured him.
"It's ok Shingam, the machine's only taking your measurements, to see how tall you are and things like that. It doesn't hurt does it?" The boy shook his head. "See, now just stand really still, that same ring is going to pass over you a few more times and then we'll get to see all kinds of things for you to try on."
True to his word, the ring passed three more times before Jeovony sat next to him on the couch and presented the pictorial listing of her available items.
"How old is he?" Her voice was soft.
"Five."
She smiled sadly, "He's the size of a big three year old. I didn't think he was more than that until he spoke to you while I was measuring him. He's very, very tiny." It was the way she said it, the pain she felt for what she thought was nothing more than a war orphan, torn from his family and barely surviving.
Quatre nodded. "Right now he is, but not for long. He's going to grow up to be a great big boy, aren't you Shingam?" The boy stood by his feet and nodded before Quatre picked him up and put him on his lap.
Nodding, Jeovony moved to sit in a chair, while Duo came to look at the selection with him. Even Killa seemed to lean over to take a look. A little while later, they decided on ten outfits, most of which Shingam had little to nothing to say about, and Quatre gently set him back on the pedestal.
"Just like before, you can't move until Madam Jeovony tells you too. Once she does, you can move around, and the hologram will stick with you, it'll be like you're really wearing the clothes." Shingam nodded and stood completely still as the first program loaded, and the first outfit was displayed.
Trowa had insisted that Shingam own a pair of jeans, saying the boy would need something comfortable to play in. So Shingam stood in a tailored pair of jeans that had "Jeovony" across the back waist band, they cost five hundred times more because of it, but it was worth it to have them today. Quatre had insisted that Shingam also stay warm while outside, and so the boy wore a dark blue turtleneck sweater. The likeness to Trowa was immediate. It was like being shown what Trowa must have looked like at Shingam's age.
Quatre turned in time to see a fairly stunned expression also on Trowa's and even Duo and Heero's faces. They all thought the same thing.
Turning back, Quatre walked up to Shingam. "What do you think? Do you like it; is it comfortable?" The holograms the store used were of a sophisticated design that allowed the wearer to literally feel what the clothes felt like against the skin. Quatre had always thought it a little eerie.
Shingam turned to look in the mirror behind him, but when Quatre looked too, he saw that Shingam looked again scared, frightened by what he saw, or didn't see.
Crossing the invisible barrier and completely destroying the projection, Shingam's clothes returned to normal and he embraced the boy and held him close to his chest.
"What is it, Shingam? What's wrong?"
Tucked under his chin, the boy shook his head before pulling away and looking everywhere except at Quatre. Worried, he pulled the boy's chin around and looked him in the eye. "Shingam, whatever it is, you don't have to be afraid. I'm here, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Look, Heero and Duo are here, and so is Trowa, and Killa's right there. Everything's ok, you don't have to be scared."
Shingam looked to Killashandra, nodding his head now and then, while Killa simply stared at him with no express on her face. Finally Shingam looked to Quatre and nodded.
"I didn't know how to answer your question. I forgot Killa and I won't get punished if I didn't answer with the right answer. I didn't want Killa to be punished."
Quatre closed his eyes against the unexpected wave of emotional pain Shingam suddenly expressed. Usually he couldn't feel a thing from either child; and he wasn't prepared for the fear Shingam suddenly felt, or the shame.
Holding him tighter and tucking his small frame once again into him, Quatre spoke softly. "It's alright Shingam. I know it's hard for you to remember sometimes. But you're right, you and Killa won't be punished if you give me the wrong answer. As long as you tell the truth, you'll never be punished." He pulled away and was happy to see Shingam nod in understanding. "Now, what question didn't you know how to answer?"
"The one about if I liked the clothes."
"Why couldn't you answer that one?"
"Don't have anything to compare it with."
And it was true. Shingam and Killa had been dressed in little more than rags when he'd found them, and had since been dressed in a tee-shirt, or the clothes they now wore thanks to Wufei. How were they expected to know if they liked something or not? How would they know one way or another?
Then he had an idea.
"Shingam, why don't you ask Killa if she thinks you looked nice in the outfit? I bet Killa could tell you if she liked it. Then once you know if she does or not, you'll have something to compare the next outfit too. Does that sound alright?"
Thinking for a moment, Shingam finally nodded, and turned to address Killa in another round of silent communication. He had time to throw a half smile Trowa's way before Shingam nodded to him.
"Killa likes it. She says I look like Trowa."
Quatre smiled. "You know what? Trowa and I were thinking the same thing. You look very handsome, Shingam. Why don't we get this so you can take it home? Does that sound ok?"
Nodding his head, Shingam allowed him to lay a kiss in his hair, before setting him back on the platform. Standing, Quatre turned to meet Jeovony's watery smile. "Madam, we'll take it. Wrap it up!"
Jeovony laughed, and so did the others.
He'd just returned to his seat and given Trowa's hand a squeeze, when the door opened, and Gaury entered. Immediately, Quatre wrapped his arm around Trowa's shoulders and issued a smart squeeze that he hoped Trowa understood meant, "play along."
Pushing a hover loaded with a vid-com, a fax, and a menu, Gaury maneuvered it to rest directly in front of him. The man smiled cordially. "Sir, the items you requested."
Immediately, he grabbed for the menu without saying another word and passed it to Duo. "Have a look." He turned to Gaury then. "The security program was in place Gaury, how did you manage to get in?" His voice was stern, laced with contempt.
Before him, Gaury began to sweat, as he should. "Sir, you requested these items, I assumed-"
"I am an extremely private man, Mr. Gaury. Your assumptions have no place here. I-assumed-you'd have the common curtsey to request admittance; but if I was wrong."
Visibly, Gaury paled. Trapped with no way out the man took a step back; and Quatre felt powerful. "My apologies, Mr. Winner. It won't happen again."
"See that it doesn't. Now be a good boy and stand over there, you're blocking my view." Quatre indicated one of the mirrored walls and waited as Gaury stiffly moved to stand beside it.
Turning back to look at Shingam, who stood staring at Quatre's uncharacteristic display, he indicated that Jeovony should continue. With timed and deliberate care-which he schooled into almost absence-Quatre ran his fingers lightly up and down Trowa's neck, urging his lover to shift into his body.
With Gaury in the room he hoped to solidify his earlier claims to being here with his lover. It wasn't enough to simply say it, he needed Gaury to believe completely that this was the man Quatre spent his midnight hours with. There was no going back; this decision had been made in the split second, and it was to be executed in a manner not unlike those his father had used. Gaury would see, children, lover, and friends, but no woman to speak of. Society would scream at the outrage of his audacity; the society journals would preach about the little lost golden Winner. He was making a very, very dangerous, and calculated move; he hope it paid off more than it destroyed.
Jeovony gave him a look, before loading up the next program. Beside him, he saw Killashandra watching him, her eyes focused, and searching. He couldn't allow Gaury to see that he cared for these children; better to make it seem they were nothing more than objects to retain his fortune. Gaury and society in general had no idea about the stipulation in his fathers will, his sisters were too embarrassed to speak of it; and he saw no reason to make it public. But Gaury would eventually get the word to his sisters of what he'd seen, and they would buzz at the idea. Perhaps it would forestall any attempts to rise up against him, if his sisters believed he'd already caved in. His forced and heartless attention towards the children, while still openly presenting his lover would undoubtedly make his disgust in his own children seem more real, and hopefully cause his sisters to believe that he'd gone against his principles to keep the Corporation. For the first time in his life, he felt good lying.
It must have been his thoughts, or the combination of emotions, because suddenly, Trowa understood what he was trying to do. It was like nothing Quatre had ever seen Trowa do before. His lover pouted. Full lip and all, Trowa turned to him, and in a voice filled with as much snobbery as the most seasoned veteran of wealth, he spoke. "Quatre, I'm so bored."
He could have kissed Trowa then. Gaury stared wide eyed, and Quatre pulled Trowa firmly against him, nearly laying Trowa's head in his lap. What he did next, he hoped the children would understand, hoped that Killashandra- with her unknown telepathic or empathic abilities-would understand, he didn't mean.
"Oh Trowa, don't fuss. The brats need clothing; it's not as if we can let them run around in nothing. I may be forced to show them off one day. You know how clientele love to pretend to love one's children. It won't be that much longer, then we'll go back to bed."
Trowa gave a huge sigh, before lifting his head and making a grand show of hating every moment they spent in the place. "If you insist." And then Trowa turned his body, so his back was pressed into Quatre's chest, resting, without a care in the world. Trowa made the most beautiful member of the elite.
But then suddenly, Quatre felt the uneasiness coming from Shingam. It started out small, like a tickle behind his right ear, but soon-in only a matter of seconds-it blossomed into a full out panic. Shingam didn't understand what was happening, and either Killa didn't either, or she wasn't telling him. Knowing he had to act quickly, he turned to regard Duo. His manner was careless, but his eyes belayed an urgency he knew Duo immediately understood.
"Have you decided what you'd like?"
Duo made a quick show of contemplating the menu again, before handing it to him and nodding. "Actually, I think lobster sounds good; with a baked potato-of course, with everything-and a glass of wine, you're choice." Quatre nodded, before turning to look at Heero, praying that he stated his order quickly, as he could see Shingam breathing hard ten feet away.
Heero, had to be different, or more precisely, remember his earlier promise to Shingam. "I'll have McDonald's fries, a Big Mac, and two medium cokes. I want universe fries, not a regular order, and make sure you bring a vanilla milkshake." Quatre would have rolled his eyes if his heart didn't hurt so badly from Shingam's panic.
Not wanting Trowa to react to Shingam, Quatre had closed the link down when he'd felt Shingam's emotions to begin with. Now as he looked at Trowa, he prayed he had the strength to keep his indifferent mask on and not rush to the small boy's side.
Trowa just shrugged. "I'll have what Yuy's having-actually, make it two cheese burgers instead, with no pickles; I hate those things. Oh and Gaury, I'll take a chocolate shake; got all that?" Obediently, Gaury nodded.
"Wonderful, I'll take the same as Duo." Making a show of effort, he regarded Killashandra, knowing if he looked at Shingam, he'd fall apart. "I suppose they need to eat as well." He laughed. "It's not as if they understand the meaning of fine dinning. Gaury, just bring them some soup, a variety, I have no idea what they like; and then some pudding, I don't think they can make too big a mess with that." He knew exactly what Gaury was thinking, "yes they could" but he didn't say anything, now wasn't the time.
Suddenly, he glared at the man that stood not twenty feet from him, "Well?"
Nodding once, Gaury moved to exit the room. Just as he reached the door, Quatre called over the couch, "And Gaury, do remember to ask for permission before entering, I do so hate to have to repeat myself."
At the sound of the door swooshing close, he barked the security command and almost roughly pushed Trowa aside. In a matter of seconds he had Shingam again wrapped in his arms, the boy a shaking, angry mess. Behind him, he felt Trowa's worried and confused gaze, but chose to ignore it for the time being; right now he needed to calm his children.
"Shhh, Shingam, I was only acting. It was only an act, because that man can't know how much you and Killa mean to me. I know you can't understand it all right now, but I promise you, I swear it by everything I hold dear, that myself and Trowa, Duo and Heero, we all care about you and Killa very, very much. I know I'm asking a lot from you, but if you ask Killa-ask her if she understands, if she can feel that what I'm saying is the truth, I know you'll understand. Please Shingam, trust me just enough to ask Killa."
In his arms, Shingam shook his head, struggling to tear away from his embrace. "You lied, Quatre! You lied!"
And in that moment, he felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces. Like everything he'd tried to do, he'd attempted something too soon, he didn't give enough time for trust to grow. Shingam didn't trust him, and Quatre felt it like a physical blow. Shaking his head, and praying to Allah for strength, Quatre turned pleading eyes to Killashandra-who stared blankly at him.
"Killa, I know you're just as scared as Shingam is. I know I made a mistake, that I didn't give you enough time, but this is to protect you, to give us enough time so that you and Shingam can learn to trust Trowa and myself; trust us before the world comes crashing at our feet. I would never intentionally hurt you, never. Please, Killa, I know you can make Shingam and yourself understand if you try."
His body hurt and his head pounded with the emotions of a boy too scared to even struggle. He felt the hope the boy had flee from his body. Quatre had done that, had taken the hope from this small boy, and thrown him back into the fear he'd been surrounded by since the beginning of his life. Tears sprang to his eyes and he pulled Shingam closer still, holding him tightly; some part of him needing to hold this boy's hope in if only by physical restraint.
And then, suddenly, he felt it. A forceful brush of something cold, unyielding, and raw all at the same time. It pushed through his defenses without care; pulled and pushed one thought into the next, shoving and sifting for the answers. It was like someone reaching into his open chest and pulling his organs out one by one to examine and then toss back in. He wanted to scream, the pain so overpowering it crashed into his senses and gripped around his throat, preventing even his pain from being voiced. In his head, he heard a song, one he'd heard before, one that he now understood was Killashandra.
"A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z. NOW I KNOW MY A,B,C'S, NEXT TIME WON'T YOU SING WITH ME.A,B,C,D,E,F,G."
It continued, racking through his brain faster and faster, while his thoughts and feelings shifted and crashed into one another, sending a pain like none he'd ever known through him. Absently, he noted that Trowa was in front of him, that he was trying with all of his limited strength to manipulate the link open. But with a driving need to protect his lover from the backlash, Quatre used all of his remaining strength to keep the link as tightly sealed as possible.
The song played again and again, countless times until he was sure hours must have passed, days even, his world swam with pain and something so much realer, even more frightening, agony.
Then, as suddenly as it had come, it was gone. The pain simply stopped, replaced by the gentle caress of what felt like tiny fingers over his thoughts. He felt them then, all of his feelings for the two children had been collected, pushed into one part of his brain and thoroughly examined.
In his mind's eye he saw Killashandra, her small hands resting on a glowing crystal ball that shifted in color between the bluest gray, and the clearest green. She seemed to be watching something in the ball of light and as Quatre approached, she looked up at him, her eyes glowing in ethereal beauty. She looked from him to the crystal, and then back again, before finally indicating he should touch the crystal as well. The moment his fingertips touched the light, he felt his own thoughts. For the first time, he saw and felt what his own mind was like, how it functioned, operated, and how it sorted logic. He was stunned for a moment, before turning to see both Killashandra and Shingam standing side by side, their hands tightly clasped. And then Shingam stepped towards him, his hand extended. "We understand, Quatre. We trust you now. I trust you now."
He blinked, and when he did, it was to look into the face of his worried lover. Sitting straight up, Quatre looked around and realized he was lying on the couch. Turning to look at Trowa he asked, "How long?"
He saw Trowa glance quickly at Duo and Heero, who each held one child in their arms, before turning back and answering. "It's been about thirty seconds since you cried out. Quatre-"
"That can't be! Thirty seconds! Trowa, it felt like hours, maybe even days! God, it hurt so badly.and then-then with the children." Turning away from his partner, he looked at Shingam and Killashandra.
Eyes and expression dead as always, Killa regarded him, but Shingam's face held the hint of a smile. "Killa's sorry it hurt, but she was hurt too. You scared her. But everything's better now. We understand. It'll be ok now, Quatre. We understand now; and we know what you're like on the inside. You're good, you'll keep your promises. We're sorry it hurt and frightened you, really we are."
Shingam's eyes shifted into a look of almost pleading forgiveness, and Quatre stood on shaky legs-with much protest from Trowa-to embrace them.
"It's ok, Shingam. I frightened you, and it's ok that you were scared. But you do understand now, don't you? That I'll never hurt you, that you and Killa are safe with me?"
A concentrated look passed over Shingam's face, and he turned to look hard at Killashandra before answering. "Killa's my responsibility.but.we trust you.she-she's your responsibility too now." He felt clearly Shingams concerns about granting him that much, but it was tempered by a wave of trust that put his own trust in Trowa to shame. In what appeared to be less than thirty seconds, he'd been examined, and found worthy by two children who had never found someone that fit that description. In him-with him-they could be safe, and now they knew that, understood it; he hoped he could live up to their expectations.
He should have been tired, exhausted by the physical and mental agony he'd just been through, but instead he felt rejuvenated, alive, maybe really alive for the first time. All of his senses seemed hyper aware, and surrounding him, encompassing his every thought and emotion, he found Trowa.
Turning, Quatre was struck by Trowa's beauty; even in fear for him Trowa was like an angel, delicate and yet willing to fight for what he believed in. Suddenly the idea that Trowa would have to fight caused a panic of pure white to flash through him, race along his senses and nearly blind him. Trowa was his responsibility-HIS. Trowa would never fight again, it was his responsibility to protect Trowa.
Like a veil being lifted, he saw Trowa completely. His lover, delicate, beautiful, strong, Trowa.Trowa belonged to him. The idea solidified almost instantly. Trowa belonged to him, he owned Trowa; mind, body, soul, everything! Trowa was free, was his own man, but Quatre owned him, possessed him, loved and cherished him. Trowa was his! He had to claim Trowa!
His mind played image after image of Trowa submitting, of Trowa standing by his side not as an equal, but as his. Trowa nodding yes to everything he said; Trowa reared up beneath him as Quatre pounded into his body with abandon. The images were so clear, like watching a movie play through his head. Some small part of him knew this was wrong, that Trowa-with the past he'd led-could never submit to him this way, so completely; but the new part of him screamed a dare to Trowa, a dare that Trowa might like it.
Shaking his head to clear the images and thoughts that seemed so foreign and yet right, Quatre moved to again stand beside his lover, allowing long arms to wrap about him. Inside him, that new voice cried out that it should be him comforting his lover, not the other way around; that Trowa belonged to him, and it was about time he made Trowa understand that.
Turning into Trowa's shoulder, Quatre shuddered at the feelings that raced through him. His logical mind tried to reason with this new voice; pleaded over and over that it understand that Trowa could not do the things it wanted him to do. That Trowa had been too damaged, too hurt in his short life to allow such control, even if it was the only way to truly protect him from everything, the way it was meant to be-had to be!
His thoughts swam, clashing into each other and made little to no sense. Like a newly opened puzzle, the pieces lay across the table, some flipped right side, others not, and no clear picture anywhere. He tried to grasp onto the thoughts that made sense, that he knew from his life now, but it seemed like the moment he touched one normal thought, three new and raw ones presented themselves. He shuddered again into Trowa's shoulder.
Warm hands ran across the back of his neck, gentle and calming. They soothed his soul, and carefully he felt the gentle rocking as Trowa swayed them from side to side. Dimly at first, he became aware of Trowa's voice. "Come back to me, Luv. Come on, Quatre. Come back to me."
There was no despair in Trowa's voice, and for the first time in a long time, Quatre did not sense that strange emotion he'd begun to associate with Trowa. His lover was calm, calling him back to the present, and dispelling the haunting demons that now were being ushered into their cages to issue only muffled cries of protest.
He drew in a deep breath before pulling away. Gentle lips pressed against his own, and Quatre felt the rest of his mind ground itself at Trowa's insistent kiss. He latched onto his lover, deepening the kiss allowing it to clear the last of the fog and silence the remaining voices. He had no idea what was going on.
"Trowa?"
"Shhh Quatre. Shingam said it's only the backlash. He says you'll be fine in a moment. Stay calm Little One, I am here."
Still not exhausted in the least, Quatre nodded and pulled away, but did not move from the embrace. "Trowa, it was so intense. I-I can't even really explain it. I know I should feel tired, but.I don't. I don't know what just happened, but I know it wasn't supposed to hurt me."
Trowa nodded. "Shingam insisted you'd be fine in a moment, that Killa was trying to help you understand what you needed to know. Do you feel like you understand something better now?"
Slowly, he shook his head. "Not understand, just realized that there's more to think about-not even that-I'm not really sure yet. I'm just not sure."
Gentle arms tugged him to sit on the couch; before Trowa sat beside him. "You're safe, Quatre."
Absently, he nodded, "I know. I know." But he closed his eyes against the uncertainty.
Carefully he lifted the boy the three steps to the top and set him in the middle of the sensor. "Shingam, this is a special device that projects a hologram around your entire body. What'll happen is, Madam Jeovony will stand over there at that console and hit a few buttons to take your measurements, that way you're clothes will fit just right. Then she'll give me a listing of all the different items she has in your size, and we'll pick out some things for you to try on. When we're done, Jeovony will go back to the console and make the clothes appear on your body as if you were really wearing them. That's what the hologram's for. It won't hurt you, and when you step off the platform, you'll still be wearing the clothes you've got on right now. Jeovony will select all the clothes you like and she'll have them all ready for us when we leave. Killa will do the same thing, and even Trowa's going to try it. It'll be fun. Are you ready?"
Hesitantly, Shingam looked past him to Killashandra, before looking back at him and offering a weak nod.
"Everything's going to be ok. Now just stand right there." Brushing Shingam's hair back from his face, he stepped off the platform and moved back to sit next to Trowa. "He'll be ok, he's just a little nervous." Trowa nodded.
"Alright, Shingam, stand very still." Madam Jeovony was at the console now. A moment later a bright ring of light, fell from the top of the ceiling, to the ground at Shingam's feet. The boy looked startled and a little frightened, before he reassured him.
"It's ok Shingam, the machine's only taking your measurements, to see how tall you are and things like that. It doesn't hurt does it?" The boy shook his head. "See, now just stand really still, that same ring is going to pass over you a few more times and then we'll get to see all kinds of things for you to try on."
True to his word, the ring passed three more times before Jeovony sat next to him on the couch and presented the pictorial listing of her available items.
"How old is he?" Her voice was soft.
"Five."
She smiled sadly, "He's the size of a big three year old. I didn't think he was more than that until he spoke to you while I was measuring him. He's very, very tiny." It was the way she said it, the pain she felt for what she thought was nothing more than a war orphan, torn from his family and barely surviving.
Quatre nodded. "Right now he is, but not for long. He's going to grow up to be a great big boy, aren't you Shingam?" The boy stood by his feet and nodded before Quatre picked him up and put him on his lap.
Nodding, Jeovony moved to sit in a chair, while Duo came to look at the selection with him. Even Killa seemed to lean over to take a look. A little while later, they decided on ten outfits, most of which Shingam had little to nothing to say about, and Quatre gently set him back on the pedestal.
"Just like before, you can't move until Madam Jeovony tells you too. Once she does, you can move around, and the hologram will stick with you, it'll be like you're really wearing the clothes." Shingam nodded and stood completely still as the first program loaded, and the first outfit was displayed.
Trowa had insisted that Shingam own a pair of jeans, saying the boy would need something comfortable to play in. So Shingam stood in a tailored pair of jeans that had "Jeovony" across the back waist band, they cost five hundred times more because of it, but it was worth it to have them today. Quatre had insisted that Shingam also stay warm while outside, and so the boy wore a dark blue turtleneck sweater. The likeness to Trowa was immediate. It was like being shown what Trowa must have looked like at Shingam's age.
Quatre turned in time to see a fairly stunned expression also on Trowa's and even Duo and Heero's faces. They all thought the same thing.
Turning back, Quatre walked up to Shingam. "What do you think? Do you like it; is it comfortable?" The holograms the store used were of a sophisticated design that allowed the wearer to literally feel what the clothes felt like against the skin. Quatre had always thought it a little eerie.
Shingam turned to look in the mirror behind him, but when Quatre looked too, he saw that Shingam looked again scared, frightened by what he saw, or didn't see.
Crossing the invisible barrier and completely destroying the projection, Shingam's clothes returned to normal and he embraced the boy and held him close to his chest.
"What is it, Shingam? What's wrong?"
Tucked under his chin, the boy shook his head before pulling away and looking everywhere except at Quatre. Worried, he pulled the boy's chin around and looked him in the eye. "Shingam, whatever it is, you don't have to be afraid. I'm here, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Look, Heero and Duo are here, and so is Trowa, and Killa's right there. Everything's ok, you don't have to be scared."
Shingam looked to Killashandra, nodding his head now and then, while Killa simply stared at him with no express on her face. Finally Shingam looked to Quatre and nodded.
"I didn't know how to answer your question. I forgot Killa and I won't get punished if I didn't answer with the right answer. I didn't want Killa to be punished."
Quatre closed his eyes against the unexpected wave of emotional pain Shingam suddenly expressed. Usually he couldn't feel a thing from either child; and he wasn't prepared for the fear Shingam suddenly felt, or the shame.
Holding him tighter and tucking his small frame once again into him, Quatre spoke softly. "It's alright Shingam. I know it's hard for you to remember sometimes. But you're right, you and Killa won't be punished if you give me the wrong answer. As long as you tell the truth, you'll never be punished." He pulled away and was happy to see Shingam nod in understanding. "Now, what question didn't you know how to answer?"
"The one about if I liked the clothes."
"Why couldn't you answer that one?"
"Don't have anything to compare it with."
And it was true. Shingam and Killa had been dressed in little more than rags when he'd found them, and had since been dressed in a tee-shirt, or the clothes they now wore thanks to Wufei. How were they expected to know if they liked something or not? How would they know one way or another?
Then he had an idea.
"Shingam, why don't you ask Killa if she thinks you looked nice in the outfit? I bet Killa could tell you if she liked it. Then once you know if she does or not, you'll have something to compare the next outfit too. Does that sound alright?"
Thinking for a moment, Shingam finally nodded, and turned to address Killa in another round of silent communication. He had time to throw a half smile Trowa's way before Shingam nodded to him.
"Killa likes it. She says I look like Trowa."
Quatre smiled. "You know what? Trowa and I were thinking the same thing. You look very handsome, Shingam. Why don't we get this so you can take it home? Does that sound ok?"
Nodding his head, Shingam allowed him to lay a kiss in his hair, before setting him back on the platform. Standing, Quatre turned to meet Jeovony's watery smile. "Madam, we'll take it. Wrap it up!"
Jeovony laughed, and so did the others.
He'd just returned to his seat and given Trowa's hand a squeeze, when the door opened, and Gaury entered. Immediately, Quatre wrapped his arm around Trowa's shoulders and issued a smart squeeze that he hoped Trowa understood meant, "play along."
Pushing a hover loaded with a vid-com, a fax, and a menu, Gaury maneuvered it to rest directly in front of him. The man smiled cordially. "Sir, the items you requested."
Immediately, he grabbed for the menu without saying another word and passed it to Duo. "Have a look." He turned to Gaury then. "The security program was in place Gaury, how did you manage to get in?" His voice was stern, laced with contempt.
Before him, Gaury began to sweat, as he should. "Sir, you requested these items, I assumed-"
"I am an extremely private man, Mr. Gaury. Your assumptions have no place here. I-assumed-you'd have the common curtsey to request admittance; but if I was wrong."
Visibly, Gaury paled. Trapped with no way out the man took a step back; and Quatre felt powerful. "My apologies, Mr. Winner. It won't happen again."
"See that it doesn't. Now be a good boy and stand over there, you're blocking my view." Quatre indicated one of the mirrored walls and waited as Gaury stiffly moved to stand beside it.
Turning back to look at Shingam, who stood staring at Quatre's uncharacteristic display, he indicated that Jeovony should continue. With timed and deliberate care-which he schooled into almost absence-Quatre ran his fingers lightly up and down Trowa's neck, urging his lover to shift into his body.
With Gaury in the room he hoped to solidify his earlier claims to being here with his lover. It wasn't enough to simply say it, he needed Gaury to believe completely that this was the man Quatre spent his midnight hours with. There was no going back; this decision had been made in the split second, and it was to be executed in a manner not unlike those his father had used. Gaury would see, children, lover, and friends, but no woman to speak of. Society would scream at the outrage of his audacity; the society journals would preach about the little lost golden Winner. He was making a very, very dangerous, and calculated move; he hope it paid off more than it destroyed.
Jeovony gave him a look, before loading up the next program. Beside him, he saw Killashandra watching him, her eyes focused, and searching. He couldn't allow Gaury to see that he cared for these children; better to make it seem they were nothing more than objects to retain his fortune. Gaury and society in general had no idea about the stipulation in his fathers will, his sisters were too embarrassed to speak of it; and he saw no reason to make it public. But Gaury would eventually get the word to his sisters of what he'd seen, and they would buzz at the idea. Perhaps it would forestall any attempts to rise up against him, if his sisters believed he'd already caved in. His forced and heartless attention towards the children, while still openly presenting his lover would undoubtedly make his disgust in his own children seem more real, and hopefully cause his sisters to believe that he'd gone against his principles to keep the Corporation. For the first time in his life, he felt good lying.
It must have been his thoughts, or the combination of emotions, because suddenly, Trowa understood what he was trying to do. It was like nothing Quatre had ever seen Trowa do before. His lover pouted. Full lip and all, Trowa turned to him, and in a voice filled with as much snobbery as the most seasoned veteran of wealth, he spoke. "Quatre, I'm so bored."
He could have kissed Trowa then. Gaury stared wide eyed, and Quatre pulled Trowa firmly against him, nearly laying Trowa's head in his lap. What he did next, he hoped the children would understand, hoped that Killashandra- with her unknown telepathic or empathic abilities-would understand, he didn't mean.
"Oh Trowa, don't fuss. The brats need clothing; it's not as if we can let them run around in nothing. I may be forced to show them off one day. You know how clientele love to pretend to love one's children. It won't be that much longer, then we'll go back to bed."
Trowa gave a huge sigh, before lifting his head and making a grand show of hating every moment they spent in the place. "If you insist." And then Trowa turned his body, so his back was pressed into Quatre's chest, resting, without a care in the world. Trowa made the most beautiful member of the elite.
But then suddenly, Quatre felt the uneasiness coming from Shingam. It started out small, like a tickle behind his right ear, but soon-in only a matter of seconds-it blossomed into a full out panic. Shingam didn't understand what was happening, and either Killa didn't either, or she wasn't telling him. Knowing he had to act quickly, he turned to regard Duo. His manner was careless, but his eyes belayed an urgency he knew Duo immediately understood.
"Have you decided what you'd like?"
Duo made a quick show of contemplating the menu again, before handing it to him and nodding. "Actually, I think lobster sounds good; with a baked potato-of course, with everything-and a glass of wine, you're choice." Quatre nodded, before turning to look at Heero, praying that he stated his order quickly, as he could see Shingam breathing hard ten feet away.
Heero, had to be different, or more precisely, remember his earlier promise to Shingam. "I'll have McDonald's fries, a Big Mac, and two medium cokes. I want universe fries, not a regular order, and make sure you bring a vanilla milkshake." Quatre would have rolled his eyes if his heart didn't hurt so badly from Shingam's panic.
Not wanting Trowa to react to Shingam, Quatre had closed the link down when he'd felt Shingam's emotions to begin with. Now as he looked at Trowa, he prayed he had the strength to keep his indifferent mask on and not rush to the small boy's side.
Trowa just shrugged. "I'll have what Yuy's having-actually, make it two cheese burgers instead, with no pickles; I hate those things. Oh and Gaury, I'll take a chocolate shake; got all that?" Obediently, Gaury nodded.
"Wonderful, I'll take the same as Duo." Making a show of effort, he regarded Killashandra, knowing if he looked at Shingam, he'd fall apart. "I suppose they need to eat as well." He laughed. "It's not as if they understand the meaning of fine dinning. Gaury, just bring them some soup, a variety, I have no idea what they like; and then some pudding, I don't think they can make too big a mess with that." He knew exactly what Gaury was thinking, "yes they could" but he didn't say anything, now wasn't the time.
Suddenly, he glared at the man that stood not twenty feet from him, "Well?"
Nodding once, Gaury moved to exit the room. Just as he reached the door, Quatre called over the couch, "And Gaury, do remember to ask for permission before entering, I do so hate to have to repeat myself."
At the sound of the door swooshing close, he barked the security command and almost roughly pushed Trowa aside. In a matter of seconds he had Shingam again wrapped in his arms, the boy a shaking, angry mess. Behind him, he felt Trowa's worried and confused gaze, but chose to ignore it for the time being; right now he needed to calm his children.
"Shhh, Shingam, I was only acting. It was only an act, because that man can't know how much you and Killa mean to me. I know you can't understand it all right now, but I promise you, I swear it by everything I hold dear, that myself and Trowa, Duo and Heero, we all care about you and Killa very, very much. I know I'm asking a lot from you, but if you ask Killa-ask her if she understands, if she can feel that what I'm saying is the truth, I know you'll understand. Please Shingam, trust me just enough to ask Killa."
In his arms, Shingam shook his head, struggling to tear away from his embrace. "You lied, Quatre! You lied!"
And in that moment, he felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces. Like everything he'd tried to do, he'd attempted something too soon, he didn't give enough time for trust to grow. Shingam didn't trust him, and Quatre felt it like a physical blow. Shaking his head, and praying to Allah for strength, Quatre turned pleading eyes to Killashandra-who stared blankly at him.
"Killa, I know you're just as scared as Shingam is. I know I made a mistake, that I didn't give you enough time, but this is to protect you, to give us enough time so that you and Shingam can learn to trust Trowa and myself; trust us before the world comes crashing at our feet. I would never intentionally hurt you, never. Please, Killa, I know you can make Shingam and yourself understand if you try."
His body hurt and his head pounded with the emotions of a boy too scared to even struggle. He felt the hope the boy had flee from his body. Quatre had done that, had taken the hope from this small boy, and thrown him back into the fear he'd been surrounded by since the beginning of his life. Tears sprang to his eyes and he pulled Shingam closer still, holding him tightly; some part of him needing to hold this boy's hope in if only by physical restraint.
And then, suddenly, he felt it. A forceful brush of something cold, unyielding, and raw all at the same time. It pushed through his defenses without care; pulled and pushed one thought into the next, shoving and sifting for the answers. It was like someone reaching into his open chest and pulling his organs out one by one to examine and then toss back in. He wanted to scream, the pain so overpowering it crashed into his senses and gripped around his throat, preventing even his pain from being voiced. In his head, he heard a song, one he'd heard before, one that he now understood was Killashandra.
"A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z. NOW I KNOW MY A,B,C'S, NEXT TIME WON'T YOU SING WITH ME.A,B,C,D,E,F,G."
It continued, racking through his brain faster and faster, while his thoughts and feelings shifted and crashed into one another, sending a pain like none he'd ever known through him. Absently, he noted that Trowa was in front of him, that he was trying with all of his limited strength to manipulate the link open. But with a driving need to protect his lover from the backlash, Quatre used all of his remaining strength to keep the link as tightly sealed as possible.
The song played again and again, countless times until he was sure hours must have passed, days even, his world swam with pain and something so much realer, even more frightening, agony.
Then, as suddenly as it had come, it was gone. The pain simply stopped, replaced by the gentle caress of what felt like tiny fingers over his thoughts. He felt them then, all of his feelings for the two children had been collected, pushed into one part of his brain and thoroughly examined.
In his mind's eye he saw Killashandra, her small hands resting on a glowing crystal ball that shifted in color between the bluest gray, and the clearest green. She seemed to be watching something in the ball of light and as Quatre approached, she looked up at him, her eyes glowing in ethereal beauty. She looked from him to the crystal, and then back again, before finally indicating he should touch the crystal as well. The moment his fingertips touched the light, he felt his own thoughts. For the first time, he saw and felt what his own mind was like, how it functioned, operated, and how it sorted logic. He was stunned for a moment, before turning to see both Killashandra and Shingam standing side by side, their hands tightly clasped. And then Shingam stepped towards him, his hand extended. "We understand, Quatre. We trust you now. I trust you now."
He blinked, and when he did, it was to look into the face of his worried lover. Sitting straight up, Quatre looked around and realized he was lying on the couch. Turning to look at Trowa he asked, "How long?"
He saw Trowa glance quickly at Duo and Heero, who each held one child in their arms, before turning back and answering. "It's been about thirty seconds since you cried out. Quatre-"
"That can't be! Thirty seconds! Trowa, it felt like hours, maybe even days! God, it hurt so badly.and then-then with the children." Turning away from his partner, he looked at Shingam and Killashandra.
Eyes and expression dead as always, Killa regarded him, but Shingam's face held the hint of a smile. "Killa's sorry it hurt, but she was hurt too. You scared her. But everything's better now. We understand. It'll be ok now, Quatre. We understand now; and we know what you're like on the inside. You're good, you'll keep your promises. We're sorry it hurt and frightened you, really we are."
Shingam's eyes shifted into a look of almost pleading forgiveness, and Quatre stood on shaky legs-with much protest from Trowa-to embrace them.
"It's ok, Shingam. I frightened you, and it's ok that you were scared. But you do understand now, don't you? That I'll never hurt you, that you and Killa are safe with me?"
A concentrated look passed over Shingam's face, and he turned to look hard at Killashandra before answering. "Killa's my responsibility.but.we trust you.she-she's your responsibility too now." He felt clearly Shingams concerns about granting him that much, but it was tempered by a wave of trust that put his own trust in Trowa to shame. In what appeared to be less than thirty seconds, he'd been examined, and found worthy by two children who had never found someone that fit that description. In him-with him-they could be safe, and now they knew that, understood it; he hoped he could live up to their expectations.
He should have been tired, exhausted by the physical and mental agony he'd just been through, but instead he felt rejuvenated, alive, maybe really alive for the first time. All of his senses seemed hyper aware, and surrounding him, encompassing his every thought and emotion, he found Trowa.
Turning, Quatre was struck by Trowa's beauty; even in fear for him Trowa was like an angel, delicate and yet willing to fight for what he believed in. Suddenly the idea that Trowa would have to fight caused a panic of pure white to flash through him, race along his senses and nearly blind him. Trowa was his responsibility-HIS. Trowa would never fight again, it was his responsibility to protect Trowa.
Like a veil being lifted, he saw Trowa completely. His lover, delicate, beautiful, strong, Trowa.Trowa belonged to him. The idea solidified almost instantly. Trowa belonged to him, he owned Trowa; mind, body, soul, everything! Trowa was free, was his own man, but Quatre owned him, possessed him, loved and cherished him. Trowa was his! He had to claim Trowa!
His mind played image after image of Trowa submitting, of Trowa standing by his side not as an equal, but as his. Trowa nodding yes to everything he said; Trowa reared up beneath him as Quatre pounded into his body with abandon. The images were so clear, like watching a movie play through his head. Some small part of him knew this was wrong, that Trowa-with the past he'd led-could never submit to him this way, so completely; but the new part of him screamed a dare to Trowa, a dare that Trowa might like it.
Shaking his head to clear the images and thoughts that seemed so foreign and yet right, Quatre moved to again stand beside his lover, allowing long arms to wrap about him. Inside him, that new voice cried out that it should be him comforting his lover, not the other way around; that Trowa belonged to him, and it was about time he made Trowa understand that.
Turning into Trowa's shoulder, Quatre shuddered at the feelings that raced through him. His logical mind tried to reason with this new voice; pleaded over and over that it understand that Trowa could not do the things it wanted him to do. That Trowa had been too damaged, too hurt in his short life to allow such control, even if it was the only way to truly protect him from everything, the way it was meant to be-had to be!
His thoughts swam, clashing into each other and made little to no sense. Like a newly opened puzzle, the pieces lay across the table, some flipped right side, others not, and no clear picture anywhere. He tried to grasp onto the thoughts that made sense, that he knew from his life now, but it seemed like the moment he touched one normal thought, three new and raw ones presented themselves. He shuddered again into Trowa's shoulder.
Warm hands ran across the back of his neck, gentle and calming. They soothed his soul, and carefully he felt the gentle rocking as Trowa swayed them from side to side. Dimly at first, he became aware of Trowa's voice. "Come back to me, Luv. Come on, Quatre. Come back to me."
There was no despair in Trowa's voice, and for the first time in a long time, Quatre did not sense that strange emotion he'd begun to associate with Trowa. His lover was calm, calling him back to the present, and dispelling the haunting demons that now were being ushered into their cages to issue only muffled cries of protest.
He drew in a deep breath before pulling away. Gentle lips pressed against his own, and Quatre felt the rest of his mind ground itself at Trowa's insistent kiss. He latched onto his lover, deepening the kiss allowing it to clear the last of the fog and silence the remaining voices. He had no idea what was going on.
"Trowa?"
"Shhh Quatre. Shingam said it's only the backlash. He says you'll be fine in a moment. Stay calm Little One, I am here."
Still not exhausted in the least, Quatre nodded and pulled away, but did not move from the embrace. "Trowa, it was so intense. I-I can't even really explain it. I know I should feel tired, but.I don't. I don't know what just happened, but I know it wasn't supposed to hurt me."
Trowa nodded. "Shingam insisted you'd be fine in a moment, that Killa was trying to help you understand what you needed to know. Do you feel like you understand something better now?"
Slowly, he shook his head. "Not understand, just realized that there's more to think about-not even that-I'm not really sure yet. I'm just not sure."
Gentle arms tugged him to sit on the couch; before Trowa sat beside him. "You're safe, Quatre."
Absently, he nodded, "I know. I know." But he closed his eyes against the uncertainty.