What Would You Say if I Told You...?
Act 3: 'All That I Could Hope for'
The Gundam pilots returned from their mission, unknown to OZ, to the coastal town of Boulogne. Although Duo talked almost non-stop, he didn't say a word to Heero, or even look directly at him. Duo knew that it would have been hard for Heero to actually thank him like that- so deep, so close- but what did it meant to him? If only Duo could read the boy's thoughts to see what he wanted, even if wasn't Duo's companionship and care. Then Duo thought about it, 'what if he feels exactly like me?' If Heero was also too scared to say his feelings- the touch, his warm and affable 'thankyou;' his way of reaching out without risking revealing himself openly. Duo couldn't presume that, though, it was more than he could hope for, although it went against his last thought. It had always been as this- thoughts of Heero were plagued with ambiguity, paining him. Duo had always lived a hard life, so he had nothing to loose, but now he had a closeness to Heero, so fragile now that Duo couldn't step too far; slip off the knife blade that would resolve his ambivalence into just sorrow, and cause Heero to withdraw completely, he had that to loose now.
Quatre, Trowa and Wufei stayed in Boulogne, there were rising OZ forces in western Europe and they had all been assigned missions there, but Heero and Duo were to return to school in Japan. Although they didn't need the cover now, they had to keep up appearances. The blue-eyed boys had to return commercial travel; it was hard to travel in times of war, but everything has its price and Heero had access to all the money in the world. The flight to Japan began as hell to Duo; Heero looked so sad, with his head hung and he didn't say a word, not even to ask Duo to be quiet. Duo just wanted to comfort the sad boy, to put his arms around the strong shoulders and bury his face in the messy hair, and to tell him everything's all right, but more than anything he just wanted to say, 'I love you.' Duo couldn't stand it anymore, the shuttle was rather private, two other passengers, both asleep, although they still couldn't reveal themselves as Gundam pilots.
"Why are you so glum, huh?" Heero looked up slightly, 'A breakthrough!' Any little victory like that was so fulfilling. "Everything went well, and now we've got time off." Duo casually put his elbow on Heero's shoulder and pretended to look at the laptop screen. Heero looked up; a small smile and he returned to his laptop. Duo's heart melted- Duo really felt like it was warm honey flowing inside him- and his arm dropped limp by his side as he narrowly stopped himself from gasping. Throughout the trip Duo tried to get that smile back, he managed to get Heero to play cards and even some of the games that came with his laptop, but he didn't smile that way; he smiled when he won (every time), but it was so empty and heartless compared to before, and Heero still hardly said a word. Duo couldn't tell if the other boy was humouring him or really wanted his company, but he didn't feel the anxiety anymore; all that Heero had done in the last few hours gave him lucidity, but it wasn't time yet.
The next day, Heero and Duo landed in Japan and went to school first thing. Explaining their three-day absence was easy, all Heero had to do was change their records electronically. In their dormitory, the pilots changed into their school uniforms, Duo changed in the bathroom, he didn't want to ruin what they had; it really wasn't a physical attraction. Duo had been attracted to people before because they were beautiful, all girls, and that's how he knew it was true love- not at first sight though, he had thought Heero was a real jerk at first, well, actually, he thought he was a rapist, but when he properly knew him, he thought Heero was a jerk. The warmth and kindness that Heero suppressed to become the Perfect Soldier leaked into Duo, infecting his consciousness until all he could think of was the Japanese pilot until it resolved in his mind to love, and then he noticed how cute the boy was. Duo stepped out of the bathroom to see Heero in school uniform; he looked so kawaii, "We should be getting to class." Duo answered with a smile.
Classes didn't go well for Duo. Although he was far ahead of the students around him, Duo was distracted by Heero, not that he let anyone notice; to the other scholars he just seemed spacey, the covert training was even helping his love life. The only class Duo did well in was visual art- a 'warm, emotional composition' the teacher had called it, and Duo gave another grin, but Heero turned away. It was only well after the class had finished when Duo realized that Heero probably thought he was being arrogant and conceited, and throughout lunch it troubled Duo, but he wouldn't apologize, it just didn't seem right somehow. When Heero arrived to eat, Duo had already bought him a platter of various hors d'oeuvres (the food was one obvious advantage of going to private schools) and refused to let Heero pay him back: an apology.
"Thanks for lunch, Duo" Heero said as they sat down. It was different this time; it didn't mean as much for his love, now it was casual and friendly: this was better; Heero was warming up. As they ate lunch, their eyes kept meeting; blue looking into blue for an eternal moment when all of Duo was lost to the beautiful, deep gaze. He didn't feel passion, he didn't feel pain, he didn't taste the food and all he could see was Heero. As every gaze broke, Duo came back to reality for a few seconds and then they locked again. Duo tried small talk, but even he couldn't keep talking.
The afternoon was reserved for sport, Heero had got them places in the school, so he had signed Duo up for the same sports as himself: Horse riding and Fencing. Duo had never ridden a horse before he started school on Earth, and had only tried fencing once before, so he wasn't very good at either and made Heero to sign them up for basketball at the next school. At least there was no Relena here. Riding was first; another archaic, cute uniform, with a blue hat slip (chosen by Duo to match Heero's eyes). Heero was exceptionally skilled at horse riding, which made all of the girls swoon; this just made Duo proud, he was closer to the heartthrob than any of them, and didn't love him for his riding skills. Duo leant over the reigns onto the horse's mane, a fine bay with a strong neck, it easily supported Duo as he stared at Heero's graceful riding, formless but tangible it was like a perfectly performed dance. A jump, and the sun caught Heero's eyes, looking at Duo, the usually cold face had no smile but looked happy; there was a glimmer in the eyes. Heero dropped lightly from his horse and removed the saddle and his hat.
"Nice work buddy! You really are good with animals." Duo called out as he dismounted the horse. A small smile, a slight bow of thanks, then:
"Come on Duo, we have to get to fencing." Heero had referred to him as 'Duo' quite a few times now, but he still couldn't help smiling. The pilots walked over to the fencing room, dropping their saddles and riding clothes, leaving the lush countryside for a dark room, walls lined with antiquated weapons, rack of foils and baskets of white armour. The instructor walked into the room, slightly late and the class began, all of the students had already donned their armour.
"Well? You have foil, you fence!" The instructor sat down to his coffee. That was all the training he ever gave. If it weren't for Heero, Duo wouldn't be able to use a foil at all, 'I have a lot to thank him for,' Duo thought as he faced Heero. Usually, Heero would only fight the strongest fencers as asked, but this time he had been the one to challenge. Heero had taken Duo for training matches before, but this was a real fight, and Duo wondered whether Heero knew how much it meant as a sign of respect to him.
"En guarde, ready? Fence!" The duel started, Heero let Duo attack him, easily parrying the blow, then waited for Duo to recollect himself before lunging properly, narrowly missing the long brown hair that flew across the other fencer's body.
"Hey! Watch the braid!" Duo blocked the second attack, but Heero swung around, catching Duo off guard.
"Touché!" The combatants faced each other, Duo congratulated Heero and they both bowed and smiled before sitting sown together to watch the other fighters.
"That was really quick, I wish I could be as good as you." Duo blushed slightly, looking down at the floor, clasping his hands in his lap. Heero looked over at him, ignoring the compliment.
"You could be very good, you just have to persevere." Heero always knew what to say when he had to and Duo had always thought it made up for him saying so little, it was something he really admired, but he knew better than to deny it, so he just thanked Heero.
After fencing, the students had free time for dinner before a very late curfew. Usually, Heero would sit by his laptop while Duo would lie down on his bed and try to distract him, most of the students went out for dinner but the pilots just ate in the cafeteria. In their room, both boys changed out of their school uniform, but as Duo stepped into the main room, he saw Heero wearing long pants, a t-shirt and jumper- very stylish. Duo had never seen those clothes before, he had gotten used to Heero's unpresentable and rather embarrassing spandex and singlet.
"Do you want to go to a café or something for dinner, Duo?" Although it was unlike anything Heero had ever said before, it didn't seem weird to Duo, he had expected that night to be different when he saw Heero's outfit, and he didn't feel his heart beating as wildly as it had been doing do recently when Heero surprised him. Duo knew Heero was doing it just for him, and he now knew that Heero wanted to be with him, not just being nice, 'but does he love me? But if he cares, then I can tell him anyway, can't I? I don't have anything to worry about if he'll accept me anyway, do I?' Duo just didn't know.
"You sure you don't just wanna stay here and use your computer?"
"Yeah, of course, but you'd never let me, would you?" Heero smiled slightly. 'Whoa! That smile, I've never seen that smile before, is it...for me?' Duo stuck out his tongue playfully, and gave Heero the cutest grin and braid flick he could; it made him feel sort of flakey, but it was a kind of game, so Duo forgave himself and followed Heero out of the room, the laptop remained closed on Heero's bed. "Besides, we won't have another mission for a couple of days, we can enjoy ourselves." 'He really has changed,' Duo thought, as he walked as if in a trance slightly behind the Japanese boy, 'if he doesn't care more about the mission.'
The walk out of the school to a large, rather crowded café was a dream to Duo; hardly aware of himself- his body and his mind acting without consciousness, all of which was focused upon Heero. Sitting at an empty table in a corner of the café, Heero ordered food and drinks for both of them, ordering exactly what Duo would have chosen. Duo was back to reality now, 'he knows what I like; he must pay more attention to me than I knew, I always thought he ignored me.' The two boys talked about school while they waited for their drinks. Duo loved talking with Heero, it was rare to have an actual conversation with him, and this was even better than usual; it was a normal conversation, it made Duo feel like a normal teenager. During dinner, something struck Duo, 'is this a...date? Our first date... Heero, you must care.'
After a very ordinary dinner (for normal teens, very different and special to Duo, and Heero, he hoped), Heero and Duo returned to their dormitory, it was around 10 o' clock and they were both tired after the flight; even Gundam pilots feel jetlag. Duo changed in the bathroom again, into the t-shirt and boxers he slept in. Duo normally waited a while before heading out, in case he stumbled in on Heero, but he heard crying. 'Is that Heero? No, someone must have broken in, I wonder what Heero did to them?' Duo burst out of the door, his hair hanging down out of the braid swaying around him, and he saw just Heero, sitting on his bed, sobbing. Duo walked over to Heero's bed and sat down next to him, Heero was topless, with his head in his hands.
"Duo?" Duo had made up his mind, he couldn't let himself suffer by his own hand anymore. Duo placed his arms on Heero's bare shoulders and pulled the boy closer to him, so that his hair covered the other young man's chest. Heero looked up, his eyes watering, he forced a smile briefly, and then lost it. Duo moved his head down, closing his eyes as his lips briefly met Heero, and then pulled away from the kiss but he could feel Heero following him, reluctant to stop. They both opened their eyes.
"I love you, Heero." Then time stopped, he had risked everything, and had to wait forever for a response.
"I love you too, I really do, I've been trying to tell you for so long and I'm sorry I couldn't say before, but I just couldn't do it, Duo." Replied the boy beneath the shell.
"Why were you crying? I hate to see you like that, it hurts me too." Heero sighed as Duo rubbed circles on his shoulders.
"I hate fighting. I hate it so much, all I want to do is live like all the people around us, but I don't have a choice: I have to fight. But when I'm with you, I...I can live the way I want to, I can live for you. I was crying because my untold feelings were eating me up inside. I'm sorry." The boy bowed his head.
"Heero, you don't ever have to apologize to me, you do so much for me." Duo had never seen himself having a conversation like that with Heero, he'd never thought Heero would be so sensitive, let alone show his self to Duo like that. Duo had always imagined that he would be weak and need to be comforted by Heero, to cry in his arms, despite his fantasies, but he found himself comforting Heero. Their lips touched again, for longer this time and Duo moved his hands to pull there torsos together as Heero clenched his arms to complete the embrace and Duo's hair settled over the other boy's back, tickling him. Heero pulled Duo down onto the bed.
"Heero, I don't want to..."
"Please, just hold me, I cant bear to sleep alone anymore, his eyes filling with pathos, pleading with Duo. No more words. Duo just pulled the sheets over them, and muzzled Heero's hair, before kissing him goodnight.
Heero fell asleep in Duo's arms, smiling, caressing Duo's hands lightly as they held the couple together through the night.
Act 3: 'All That I Could Hope for'
The Gundam pilots returned from their mission, unknown to OZ, to the coastal town of Boulogne. Although Duo talked almost non-stop, he didn't say a word to Heero, or even look directly at him. Duo knew that it would have been hard for Heero to actually thank him like that- so deep, so close- but what did it meant to him? If only Duo could read the boy's thoughts to see what he wanted, even if wasn't Duo's companionship and care. Then Duo thought about it, 'what if he feels exactly like me?' If Heero was also too scared to say his feelings- the touch, his warm and affable 'thankyou;' his way of reaching out without risking revealing himself openly. Duo couldn't presume that, though, it was more than he could hope for, although it went against his last thought. It had always been as this- thoughts of Heero were plagued with ambiguity, paining him. Duo had always lived a hard life, so he had nothing to loose, but now he had a closeness to Heero, so fragile now that Duo couldn't step too far; slip off the knife blade that would resolve his ambivalence into just sorrow, and cause Heero to withdraw completely, he had that to loose now.
Quatre, Trowa and Wufei stayed in Boulogne, there were rising OZ forces in western Europe and they had all been assigned missions there, but Heero and Duo were to return to school in Japan. Although they didn't need the cover now, they had to keep up appearances. The blue-eyed boys had to return commercial travel; it was hard to travel in times of war, but everything has its price and Heero had access to all the money in the world. The flight to Japan began as hell to Duo; Heero looked so sad, with his head hung and he didn't say a word, not even to ask Duo to be quiet. Duo just wanted to comfort the sad boy, to put his arms around the strong shoulders and bury his face in the messy hair, and to tell him everything's all right, but more than anything he just wanted to say, 'I love you.' Duo couldn't stand it anymore, the shuttle was rather private, two other passengers, both asleep, although they still couldn't reveal themselves as Gundam pilots.
"Why are you so glum, huh?" Heero looked up slightly, 'A breakthrough!' Any little victory like that was so fulfilling. "Everything went well, and now we've got time off." Duo casually put his elbow on Heero's shoulder and pretended to look at the laptop screen. Heero looked up; a small smile and he returned to his laptop. Duo's heart melted- Duo really felt like it was warm honey flowing inside him- and his arm dropped limp by his side as he narrowly stopped himself from gasping. Throughout the trip Duo tried to get that smile back, he managed to get Heero to play cards and even some of the games that came with his laptop, but he didn't smile that way; he smiled when he won (every time), but it was so empty and heartless compared to before, and Heero still hardly said a word. Duo couldn't tell if the other boy was humouring him or really wanted his company, but he didn't feel the anxiety anymore; all that Heero had done in the last few hours gave him lucidity, but it wasn't time yet.
The next day, Heero and Duo landed in Japan and went to school first thing. Explaining their three-day absence was easy, all Heero had to do was change their records electronically. In their dormitory, the pilots changed into their school uniforms, Duo changed in the bathroom, he didn't want to ruin what they had; it really wasn't a physical attraction. Duo had been attracted to people before because they were beautiful, all girls, and that's how he knew it was true love- not at first sight though, he had thought Heero was a real jerk at first, well, actually, he thought he was a rapist, but when he properly knew him, he thought Heero was a jerk. The warmth and kindness that Heero suppressed to become the Perfect Soldier leaked into Duo, infecting his consciousness until all he could think of was the Japanese pilot until it resolved in his mind to love, and then he noticed how cute the boy was. Duo stepped out of the bathroom to see Heero in school uniform; he looked so kawaii, "We should be getting to class." Duo answered with a smile.
Classes didn't go well for Duo. Although he was far ahead of the students around him, Duo was distracted by Heero, not that he let anyone notice; to the other scholars he just seemed spacey, the covert training was even helping his love life. The only class Duo did well in was visual art- a 'warm, emotional composition' the teacher had called it, and Duo gave another grin, but Heero turned away. It was only well after the class had finished when Duo realized that Heero probably thought he was being arrogant and conceited, and throughout lunch it troubled Duo, but he wouldn't apologize, it just didn't seem right somehow. When Heero arrived to eat, Duo had already bought him a platter of various hors d'oeuvres (the food was one obvious advantage of going to private schools) and refused to let Heero pay him back: an apology.
"Thanks for lunch, Duo" Heero said as they sat down. It was different this time; it didn't mean as much for his love, now it was casual and friendly: this was better; Heero was warming up. As they ate lunch, their eyes kept meeting; blue looking into blue for an eternal moment when all of Duo was lost to the beautiful, deep gaze. He didn't feel passion, he didn't feel pain, he didn't taste the food and all he could see was Heero. As every gaze broke, Duo came back to reality for a few seconds and then they locked again. Duo tried small talk, but even he couldn't keep talking.
The afternoon was reserved for sport, Heero had got them places in the school, so he had signed Duo up for the same sports as himself: Horse riding and Fencing. Duo had never ridden a horse before he started school on Earth, and had only tried fencing once before, so he wasn't very good at either and made Heero to sign them up for basketball at the next school. At least there was no Relena here. Riding was first; another archaic, cute uniform, with a blue hat slip (chosen by Duo to match Heero's eyes). Heero was exceptionally skilled at horse riding, which made all of the girls swoon; this just made Duo proud, he was closer to the heartthrob than any of them, and didn't love him for his riding skills. Duo leant over the reigns onto the horse's mane, a fine bay with a strong neck, it easily supported Duo as he stared at Heero's graceful riding, formless but tangible it was like a perfectly performed dance. A jump, and the sun caught Heero's eyes, looking at Duo, the usually cold face had no smile but looked happy; there was a glimmer in the eyes. Heero dropped lightly from his horse and removed the saddle and his hat.
"Nice work buddy! You really are good with animals." Duo called out as he dismounted the horse. A small smile, a slight bow of thanks, then:
"Come on Duo, we have to get to fencing." Heero had referred to him as 'Duo' quite a few times now, but he still couldn't help smiling. The pilots walked over to the fencing room, dropping their saddles and riding clothes, leaving the lush countryside for a dark room, walls lined with antiquated weapons, rack of foils and baskets of white armour. The instructor walked into the room, slightly late and the class began, all of the students had already donned their armour.
"Well? You have foil, you fence!" The instructor sat down to his coffee. That was all the training he ever gave. If it weren't for Heero, Duo wouldn't be able to use a foil at all, 'I have a lot to thank him for,' Duo thought as he faced Heero. Usually, Heero would only fight the strongest fencers as asked, but this time he had been the one to challenge. Heero had taken Duo for training matches before, but this was a real fight, and Duo wondered whether Heero knew how much it meant as a sign of respect to him.
"En guarde, ready? Fence!" The duel started, Heero let Duo attack him, easily parrying the blow, then waited for Duo to recollect himself before lunging properly, narrowly missing the long brown hair that flew across the other fencer's body.
"Hey! Watch the braid!" Duo blocked the second attack, but Heero swung around, catching Duo off guard.
"Touché!" The combatants faced each other, Duo congratulated Heero and they both bowed and smiled before sitting sown together to watch the other fighters.
"That was really quick, I wish I could be as good as you." Duo blushed slightly, looking down at the floor, clasping his hands in his lap. Heero looked over at him, ignoring the compliment.
"You could be very good, you just have to persevere." Heero always knew what to say when he had to and Duo had always thought it made up for him saying so little, it was something he really admired, but he knew better than to deny it, so he just thanked Heero.
After fencing, the students had free time for dinner before a very late curfew. Usually, Heero would sit by his laptop while Duo would lie down on his bed and try to distract him, most of the students went out for dinner but the pilots just ate in the cafeteria. In their room, both boys changed out of their school uniform, but as Duo stepped into the main room, he saw Heero wearing long pants, a t-shirt and jumper- very stylish. Duo had never seen those clothes before, he had gotten used to Heero's unpresentable and rather embarrassing spandex and singlet.
"Do you want to go to a café or something for dinner, Duo?" Although it was unlike anything Heero had ever said before, it didn't seem weird to Duo, he had expected that night to be different when he saw Heero's outfit, and he didn't feel his heart beating as wildly as it had been doing do recently when Heero surprised him. Duo knew Heero was doing it just for him, and he now knew that Heero wanted to be with him, not just being nice, 'but does he love me? But if he cares, then I can tell him anyway, can't I? I don't have anything to worry about if he'll accept me anyway, do I?' Duo just didn't know.
"You sure you don't just wanna stay here and use your computer?"
"Yeah, of course, but you'd never let me, would you?" Heero smiled slightly. 'Whoa! That smile, I've never seen that smile before, is it...for me?' Duo stuck out his tongue playfully, and gave Heero the cutest grin and braid flick he could; it made him feel sort of flakey, but it was a kind of game, so Duo forgave himself and followed Heero out of the room, the laptop remained closed on Heero's bed. "Besides, we won't have another mission for a couple of days, we can enjoy ourselves." 'He really has changed,' Duo thought, as he walked as if in a trance slightly behind the Japanese boy, 'if he doesn't care more about the mission.'
The walk out of the school to a large, rather crowded café was a dream to Duo; hardly aware of himself- his body and his mind acting without consciousness, all of which was focused upon Heero. Sitting at an empty table in a corner of the café, Heero ordered food and drinks for both of them, ordering exactly what Duo would have chosen. Duo was back to reality now, 'he knows what I like; he must pay more attention to me than I knew, I always thought he ignored me.' The two boys talked about school while they waited for their drinks. Duo loved talking with Heero, it was rare to have an actual conversation with him, and this was even better than usual; it was a normal conversation, it made Duo feel like a normal teenager. During dinner, something struck Duo, 'is this a...date? Our first date... Heero, you must care.'
After a very ordinary dinner (for normal teens, very different and special to Duo, and Heero, he hoped), Heero and Duo returned to their dormitory, it was around 10 o' clock and they were both tired after the flight; even Gundam pilots feel jetlag. Duo changed in the bathroom again, into the t-shirt and boxers he slept in. Duo normally waited a while before heading out, in case he stumbled in on Heero, but he heard crying. 'Is that Heero? No, someone must have broken in, I wonder what Heero did to them?' Duo burst out of the door, his hair hanging down out of the braid swaying around him, and he saw just Heero, sitting on his bed, sobbing. Duo walked over to Heero's bed and sat down next to him, Heero was topless, with his head in his hands.
"Duo?" Duo had made up his mind, he couldn't let himself suffer by his own hand anymore. Duo placed his arms on Heero's bare shoulders and pulled the boy closer to him, so that his hair covered the other young man's chest. Heero looked up, his eyes watering, he forced a smile briefly, and then lost it. Duo moved his head down, closing his eyes as his lips briefly met Heero, and then pulled away from the kiss but he could feel Heero following him, reluctant to stop. They both opened their eyes.
"I love you, Heero." Then time stopped, he had risked everything, and had to wait forever for a response.
"I love you too, I really do, I've been trying to tell you for so long and I'm sorry I couldn't say before, but I just couldn't do it, Duo." Replied the boy beneath the shell.
"Why were you crying? I hate to see you like that, it hurts me too." Heero sighed as Duo rubbed circles on his shoulders.
"I hate fighting. I hate it so much, all I want to do is live like all the people around us, but I don't have a choice: I have to fight. But when I'm with you, I...I can live the way I want to, I can live for you. I was crying because my untold feelings were eating me up inside. I'm sorry." The boy bowed his head.
"Heero, you don't ever have to apologize to me, you do so much for me." Duo had never seen himself having a conversation like that with Heero, he'd never thought Heero would be so sensitive, let alone show his self to Duo like that. Duo had always imagined that he would be weak and need to be comforted by Heero, to cry in his arms, despite his fantasies, but he found himself comforting Heero. Their lips touched again, for longer this time and Duo moved his hands to pull there torsos together as Heero clenched his arms to complete the embrace and Duo's hair settled over the other boy's back, tickling him. Heero pulled Duo down onto the bed.
"Heero, I don't want to..."
"Please, just hold me, I cant bear to sleep alone anymore, his eyes filling with pathos, pleading with Duo. No more words. Duo just pulled the sheets over them, and muzzled Heero's hair, before kissing him goodnight.
Heero fell asleep in Duo's arms, smiling, caressing Duo's hands lightly as they held the couple together through the night.