Email: swythangel@hotmail.com
Title: Götterdamerüng (Twilight of the Gods)
Type: Series 8/?
Teaser: With their return to Weiß, Ken and Ran find old feelings resurfacing...
Rating: PG (just to be safe)
Spoilers: I don't know, let's just assume there is
Warnings: Strong Language, Shonen Ai
Keywords: Ken, Aya/Ran, Youji, Ran/AyaxKen, YoujixKen, angst, a lil fluff
Wai! Wai! I got another part of Gotterdamerung out…er, emotional turmoil runs rife in this part…if it's a bit too much I'd like to say gomen in advance….This is strictly Youji and Ken this time and I am loving Yotan here even more everyday…
Its a bit long :> just to make up for the long wait. ^_^v
Thank you to everyone who commented
yet again a long time ago grin> You guys know how much I love you for
it, because as I've been telling everyone, I love comments!
Ran: dryly>You mean you love being
complimented, vain girl!
Swyth-chan: sweatdrops> That too…anyway,
on with the story
Götterdamerüng
(Twilight of the Gods)
Part 8
[Youji]
"I gather this is about Ran again, ne, Kenken?"
I thought you weren't going to say anything about Ran.
I lied. I tell my inner voice.
On the way up the hill, I kept telling myself that I was not going to even mention Chief Shinigami's name. The fucking ball is in Ran's court after all and it's his turn to push forward or go on the defensive. I talso kept telling myself that I'm just going to go say a friendly hi to Ken.
Both resolutions turned to dust in the wind as soon as I saw Ken crying.
Ken hastily wipes away the moisture that has gathered in his eyes and smiles at me with the brightest smile he owns. A smile that doesn't quite reach luminous brown eyes that shone with unshed tears.
"Youji! Hey there! I didn't see you."
Of course you didn't Ken. You were too busy crying over Ran.
I know I should smile back and joke around. Make Ken feel better like I always try to do. But I don't. This fiasco had dragged on long enough. All of a sudden I am tired of the emotional roller coaster I have been going through, what Ken has been going through, and of course, Ran, too. The strain and tension is wearing us all down.
It is time to grab the bull by the horns and straighten this mess out.
"Cut the crap, Kenken. You aren't going to change the topic on me."
It must have come out rougher than I had anticipated because Ken's smile is replaced by a scowl.
"I don't see why its any of your business, Youji."
"It *is* my business Kenken for four reasons. One," I ticked off a finger, "because *we* are a team, in case you forgot. And we need to look out for each other. Two," I ticked off another finger, "your emotional state might impair your ability as a member of the team and therefore jeopardise our mission. Three," I point at a third finger, "we're friends aren't we? Now," I smile dryly at him, "aren't those reasons enough?"
"You said four, what's the fourth?"
Because I love you…
"Stop trying to evade the issue, Kenken."
And stop trying to get it out of me, because I don't want to be embarrassed. I thought. I am hoping that Ken does not press the issue so I try to push the topic aside.
"You have to talk about Ran to someone sometime, Ken. And I'm here for you." I will always be here for you.
Ken slumps down on the tree trunk and looks down on the grass, his hair obscuring his face. The past week didn't compliment him at all. He lost a few pounds and there were lines under his eyes. He looks so fragile with his pale pallor and I know he's tired. But I persist. I know I have to do this. It is for his sake that I do this. Because he needs this even if he doesn't want it.
"Come on, Ken, talk to me."
Minutes passed in a slow crawl as I wait for an immobile Ken to answer me. I do not push him to talk right away. We had time. And for this, I forgive my fucking date for standing me up.
Just as I am thinking of giving up, Ken's soft voice reaches my ear.
"I…I don't know where to start."
My eyes soften as they look at Ken, happy that he finally decided to talk to me. And with a voice more gentle than I have ever used before, I try to encourage him.
"Start from the beginning."
[Ken]
From the beginning…I thought tiredly. There had been so much that had happened, so many things that have come to pass that it is hard for me to resurrect old memories that I want to keep buried inside me. Memories that overwhelm, memories that I don't want to see again.
But I see the ring of truth in Youji's words. Even as I try to surpress the memories they also manage to haunt me anyway…and Youji is right, my present emotional state might just jeopardise our mission and get them killed. I don't want my friends to die and I refuse to be pulled from this mission.
It was time for me to tell Youji.
And so I open the floodgates of the past once again, throwing myself back to the time it all started, to the first time the darkness threatened the bastion of my consciousness.
I do not realize that my eyes glaze over as I lose myself in the memories.
"The beginning…I suppose it started with Kase's death." The pain of betrayal lances through me again. And the guilt…the guilt. Yes, I remember. That was the time the darkness crept up on me, threatening to swallow me up in insanity and chaos. I brace myself for the darkness that came with the memory, sure that it would come again now that he wasn't there to hold them back. But it doesn't. The old darkness had been banished. It was a different kind of darkness that threatened me these past two years. I smile inside, bitterly. There is a kind of irony in this. That the man responsible for banishing the old threat would be the one responsible for the other.
"I…I can't explain it but the guilt of killing my friend with my own hands, the pain of knowing he betrayed me, and would have killed me, made me crazy. And then I had to let Yuriko leave as well. It…it was too much, it drove me over the edge."
A wry smile makes its way to my face as I look at Youji for the first time since I started talking. "I know you guys thought I was fine after a few missions. Never knew I was such a good actor, ne, Youji?"
The smile disappears as I remember again. "It was actually very easy to act happy. Happy is easy. When I see you guys happy, I can act happy. But its hard when I'm alone at night. Then the darkness would creep up on me. And I was afraid. I was very afraid."
"It unhinged me, this darkness which made me sob and scream into my pillow. I tried to fight it but I couldn't. Couldn't until one night…one night, Aya came into my room. He had heard me screaming in my pillow eventhough I tried very hard not to let any of you hear because I feared you would think me insane or weak. He never said a word, now that I think about it, only laid his hand on my shoulder. And somehow that made the darkness recede…"
Other memories come back to me although I try to fight it.
Aya…you betrayed me too.
"Every night it would be the same thing. The darkness would try to engulf me and he would be there. I never knew Aya could be that sensitive, Youji. I had always thought that he was darkness personified. He was *always* silent but he was so gentle and kind. And that's when I started falling for him."
I bark a short laugh of self-derision.
"Goddamn, who would have thought, ne? That clumsy, supposedly straight Kenken would fall for someone like Ran. But it happened, although I never told any of you. I hid it. I was so afraid of what you guys might say, so certain that everything would change."
"It did change though because as you and Omi knew Ran and I got together. And everything was good, you know. Because he taught me to accept and understand what it meant to be an assassin and he told me he loved me. He actually loved me."
I can't hide the wonder in delight in my voice at what I just said.
"Everything was a ok after that. Until the time I asked you and Omi if you guys would still like to open the flower shop even if Weiß disbanded…"
I stop at that. Aa, the fateful day my heart broke. Aya's betrayal.
Desolation fills me and the darkness…the darkness and emptiness that came with Aya's betrayal tries to engulf me. I cannot breath, cannot go on…no, I have to. I cannot let Youji think that I am as weak as this. I struggle to overcome it but fail. The pain of having Ran near me again has added strength to the darkness and it is choking my consciousness. I need a lifeline…I need…someone to…help me…
I turn tortured eyes to Youji. "Hold me, please. I…I cannot go through this without someone to hold me, like, like Aya once did."
[Youji]
I can see the riot of emotions that play across Ken's face as he tries to tell me about Ran. He is interchanging the names Aya and Ran all throughout and that tells me he is losing himself in the memories.
I try to look at the situation objectively. And I almost fucking succeed until I hear the wonder and love in his voice as he admits his love for Ran. It hurts me more than I can ever describe, hearing it straight from Ken's mouth, that he loved Ran.
You know that was going to happen, Youji. You should have prepared yourself.
I did know and I did try. But the pain still comes. And I embrace it because there is nothing else I can do.
I continue to hear Ken out, each word lashing through me like Ran's katana but I endure because I know that I need to help Ken.
"Hold me, please. I…I cannot go through this without someone to hold me, like, like Aya once did."
And I do hold him, gathering him into my arms in silence and holding him. He felt wonderful in my arms, this boy who I have dreamed of holding for so long…
Goddamn it, Youji! Get ahold of yourself!
I shake myself, realizing that I am taking advantage of Ken's weakness besides helping him. And so I try not to enjoy it. Not an easy task I assure you. But I try, because I don't want to take advantage of Ken.
Fucking shit! When did I turn out to be a blasted saint?
A hand tightens on my arm and I turn my attention towards Ken. There was a frightened look in his eyes and I realize just how scared he was of being alone, of being left without Aya. I try to soothe away his fears by tightening my arms around him.
"He betrayed me, Youji. I don't know why he did it but he betrayed me."
"Sssh…" I tell him. "You don't have to continue."
I try to stop him from continuing, because I can feel him shaking. He is dangerously close to tears. But he shakes his head and struggles a little in my grip..
"No, I have to finish what I have to say."
I sigh and loosen my hold on him, allowing my arms to fall to my side. He promptly faces me, holding on to my right arm with a deathgrip as if to reassure himself I am still here, and starts to talk.
[Ken]
"There's actually nothing more to say…when I left you and Omi downstairs to come up to Ran's room and tell him that we all wanted to continue working in Koneko, I found Sakura blocking my way. She wanted to talk to me so I went with her. Sakura had this weird look on her face too, kind of wild and cruel,so unlike Sakura…"
//"Ken-san. Can I talk to you for a second?" Sakura asked me as she closed Aya's door.
I stopped in my tracks in startlement. Sakura never really wanted to talk to me before so I agreed with a smile.
"Sure, Sakura-chan. But it'll have to be quick, ne? I still have to tell Aya something before I forget altogether."
A hostile expression entered Sakura-chan's face. And this startled me even more. The glare just didn't look right in her sweet face. But it was gone in a blink, replaced by a hard, cold look that creeped me out.
"Stay away from Aya, Ken."
"I…I beg your pardon?" I ask her, confused. Surely I must've heard wrong.
"I said stay away from Aya."
That made me blow my top. "And what right have you to say that?"
"Because I'm Aya's girlfriend."
"Nani yo? But I'm…" It almost slipped out as Sakura's answer surprised me. Only Omi and Youji knew that Aya and I were together, no one else knew.
She sneered."You're what, Ken? You were about to say that you were his boyfriend ne?"
I stagger. "H…how did you know?"
"How else?" With each word she uttered, her face grew more sinister. "Why, Aya-kun told me of course. He also told me just how pathetic and weak you are, how you used to whine in your sleep after killing your friend."
I panicked. Could Aya have told her? He knew it was supposed to be our secret. "No, he couldn't have told you. He couldn't have."
I tried to deny it but my heart was saying it was truth because common sense told me that it could be no one else. No one else knew my secret.
"Of course he did. How else do you think I'd find out?" Sakura laughed cruelly. "Remember, Kenken how you were trying to drown it out on your pillow but Aya heard you anyway. And how he would always lay a hand on you to make sure you quiet down? You're pathetic, Ken!"
My world fell apart at her words. No one else except Aya and I could know that.
"And we had a fine time laughing about it too." She laughed in my face.
That phrase was like a hammer. It broke my heart into pieces. Again I am betrayed. And by the person I loved most.
I run out of Koneko and into the streets. Everything is a blur as I run blindly on, too engrossed in my thoughts. Aya, Aya betrayed me. I thought he loved me?How could he? I never want to see him again.//
"He betrayed me, Youji. And it hurt so much. How could he? If he didn't really love me, he should've just fucking told me."
I couldn't help but tighten my grip on Youji's arm. In an instant, Youji hugs me again. And I am grateful for the comforting warmth. It has been so long since I have hugged anyone.
[Youji]
With everything on the table, I realize that their separation wasn't Ran's fault. And it wasn't Ken's. It was someone else's.
And I regret hitting Ran for a moment. Just a moment really, because his assholic behavior recently still merited a punch in the eye.
I now have two options open to me.I could explain to Ken or I could just tell Ken to forget about Ran and catch him on the rebound. I've done it before, with other lovers. But somehow I can't do it now.
"But he did love you Kenken. And he still does."
It is hard to say but there it is. I said it.
And you probably flushed all your chances with Kenken down the drain with that statement.
For the first time my inner voice is in accord with what I am thinking. But I can't help it. I have to help Ken set things straight.
"How can you say that? Didn't you hear a word I said?"
"Of course I did, Ken." I ruffled his hair to soothe his agitation.
"And I say that Ran loves you.I admit that it was sort of strange the way Sakura seemed to know everything but you know, deep down, that Ran wouldn't do that. He's not the type. If he didn't love you at all, Ken, he would have told you straight out or swiped at you with that fuckingly deadly katana he owns to get you out of his life. It simply isn't his style to go about behind your back and tell it to Sakura."
"Demo…"
I settle a finger firmly on his mouth. "No buts, Ken. I'm a professional private investigator. I know how to read personalities and old stick-shoved-up-his-ass Ran Fujimiya can never do something like that.Trust me."
"But how did Sakura know…"
"Well, for sure its definitely not from Chief Shinigami." At the doubt in Ken's face, I sigh. I need a cigarette!
I rummage in my trouser pocket and come up with a lighter and a pack. I take one of the slim sticks and light it. Only when I am puffing away do I continue what I am saying.
"Just think about it. There are other ways of knowing, Kenken. A woman in love would do anything to take out her rival. Trust the love expert here." I try to inject humor into the situation to lighten the mood."Besides, if Ran told her then they should be together. Hell, its been two years! They would be frigging married by now. But they aren't, are they Kenken?"
That hit home. And Ken's face lightened.
"You're right. Demo…"
"But what? Ran loves you and you love Ran. What's the problem?" I burst out, frustrated. This is frustrating enough to tire out a saint and I am not a saint. Every word I utter is helping Ran and it rankles. I must be going insane because this is the first time I have ever helped a rival. And each word is like a hammer driving the stake in my heart deeper.
"I don't know if he is willing to listen to my side or not…he looks at me so coldly." The uncertainty in Ken's voice tugs at my heart and I soften my expression. I tap his nose as I smile.
"You will never know until you try ne?"
"I don't know if I can…"
I utter the magic words guaranteed to make Ken try. "Then you don't love him at all…"
And as I expected, Ken glared up at me with insulted eyes. "I didn't say I wouldn't try!"
That's my Kenken…"Sou ka."
Ken shakes my hand, hesitates, then pulls me to him in a hug, chuckling. "Now don't freak out on me, Youji. I just wanted to express my appreciation. Don't push me away. This'll only take a few seconds."
Take as long as you like…I wanted to tell him, but I don't. Instead, I wordlessly agree by putting up my arms to hug him back, allowing myself to savor this moment because I know it will never happen again. I close my eyes, imagining, for just a moment, that he is hugging me out of love. But reality intrudes.
"Thank you, Youji, you're a real friend."
A friend? Aa, Youji, a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. A little of the pain I am feeling cannot help but manifest itself as I tighten my arms around him.
TBC ^_~