Author: Swythangel
Email: swythangel@hotmail.com
Title: Götterdamerüng (Twilight of the Gods)
Type: Series 9/?
Teaser: With their return to Weiß, Ken and Ran find old feelings resurfacing...
Rating: PG (just to be safe)
Spoilers: I don't know, let's just assume there is
Warnings: Strong Language, Shonen Ai leaning towards Yaoi
Keywords: Ken, Aya/Ran, Youji, Ran/AyaxKen, YoujixKen, angst, a lil fluff
Ai-ya! Just a short bridge for the scenes to come…it sucks a little, yes it does. But please bear with me…I'm still trying to get my bearings after BradxKen…
Thanks to everyone who commented on the gift…means so much to me huggles everyone
Ok here goes…
Götterdammerüng
(Twilight of the Gods)
Part 9
[Ken]
Pace, pace, turn.
Pace, pace, turn.
Nervousness has always left me unable to stay still and I walk back and forth, back and forth near Youji's car, waiting for Ran to show up.
My heart is palpitating in my rib cage, trying to get out of my constricting chest and I am having trouble breathing. I am clenching and unclenching my fists. It's a good thing I haven't donned my bugnuks yet or they would have made an annoying sound to go with my nervous actions. I want to throw up or die, whichever would come first. And I still had a throbbing headache. It's a good thing I took a lot more vitamins for tonight's mission.
I don't want to do this. Yes, I do but I don't.
/Do you want to do this or don't you? You're confusing yourself, Kenken./
I want to. Because I want to know if Ran still feels the same way I do. I do not want to stay in this limbo of suffering forever. I want to know if Youji is right about Ran. So much that it hurts to think about it.
But I don't want to do this too. Because I am afraid of what could happen. Afraid of what Ran would do. What if he doesn't even deign to answer me? Or worse, what if he turns away from me in distaste?
If he does, I would want to die…I do not think I could take that.
It is too much to risk…
"I..I can't do it, Youji."
I turn to the silent Youji who has been watching me since we arrived. He has been leaning on the hood of his car, smoking as usual. It is evident that I have been too preoccupied with my thoughts because I haven't even reprimanded him about his smoking habits.
He throws the cigarette down on the pavement after one last drag and grinds it into the ground. "Don't' be ridiculous, Ken. Of course you can."
I rake my hands in my hair, torturing my scalp with the almost-savage agitated gesture. "No, Youji, you don't understand. I can't!" I turn tortured eyes to look at him. "What if you're wrong, Youji, what if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he turns me away? You cannot understand how much I love him."
Tears threaten to spill again. My emotional wounds are still fresh enough and I doubt Youji would understand. I turn away from him and bow my head. I do not want him to see me cry again. I have imposed on him enough already this afternoon and even friends have their limits.
[Youji]
Watching Ken pace with worry has never been a fun thing. Watching Ken worry *and* having me hurting at the same time is hell. But I can't help it. Seeing him like this, in a welter of agony, over *telling*, just telling Ran that he wanted to talk to him, emphasizes the fact that he really does love Ran that much.
/You did it to yourself, Kudou. Remember who gave him his pep talk?/
Yes, I know, I know. And we've established that I'm a masochist already. I couldn't help that either. Which surprised me, actually. I have always been a teensy tiny bit selfish when it came to love. But seeing Ken break down on me almost tore my heart out. I want to put a smile back on his face. And I know I am not the one to do it.
But I can be his friend.
/Ah yes, you forgot martyr on the list of your virtues./
Shut up.
"I..I can't do it, Youji."
I take a last drag on my cigarette and grind it to the ground before replying becaue I know that I didn't, Ken would reprimand me again. And much as I love Ken paying attention to me, this isn't the time for my selfish pleasures.
"Don't be ridiculous, Ken. Of course you can."
Ken rakes his hands through his hair, and I wince, sympathizing with his scalp.
"No, Youji, you don't understand. I can't!" Tortured liquid brown eyes look up at me. "What if you're wrong, Youji, what if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he turns me away? You cannot understand how much I love him."
Oh, but I do, Kenken. I do. More than you can ever know.
I see the tears even before he turns his back to me. And I do not hesitate at all. I stride to where he is standing and spin him around, enfolding him in my arms, giving him the comfort and strength he needs.
"I do understand, Ken." I breath into his ear, whispering because it is all I can manage. Bittersweet pain fills me again as I remember how good it feels to hold him close to me again.
/Hellooo! Earth to Kudou! Remember what you were going to do./
I almost forget my reason for holding him, relishing the feeling of Ken in my arms, if not for the conscience. Maybe consciences had their uses after all, I muse as I let go of my tight hold on Ken. I put my hands on both his arms and hold him at arms length, smiling down encouragingly at him.
"Now whatever happened to the do-or-die Ken I knew ne? You will never know until you try."
"Demo…"
I could see the doubt in his eyes as he protests. And I wasn't having any of that. I put a finger on his lips.
"Uh uh, Kenken. No buts. You *will* do it, because you want to and because you have to."
"Always remember that whatever happens, I will be here to support you. Now, you *will* tell Ran, tonight, ne, Kenken? I will not take anything else save yes for an answer."
I have pasted a gentle reassuring smile on my lips for Ken's benefit, to encourage him to tell Ran. But inside, a part of me is ranting, pounding myself on the head, for even daring to help Ran at all. While another part is trying hard not to feel the pain of knowing I will never get Ken.
There is a reason for my madness. If anyone asks me why I am helping Chief Shinigami no baka, I have only one answer.
Ran is the one. No matter how much I want to deny it. He is the only one who can give Ken back his happiness.
Ken's eyes clear as I reassure him, determination replacing doubt. And I know that he will try to do it now. I feel pride at the thought. I know my Ken would always be able to do everything he set his mind to.
"That's my Ken." I tell him softly and I am rewarded with his smile. A smile just for me. In my delight, I can't help but lean down and kiss him on the lips, a light chaste kiss, without a vestige of sexuality in it at all. But it might not appear like that to the casual observer, especially when I, technically, am still hugging Ken.
A gasp from Koneko's backdoor startles the two of us and we turn to look. Ran and Omi are staring at us in surprise. Omi was the one who gasped.
And Ran?
Ran stood, transfixed, all blood gone from his face. At least for a second, before he whips around violently and strides towards the car without a backward glance at us. Omi, hesitates, turning an accusing eye on me, before following Ran.
"Ran!"
Ken breaks free from my arms then and tries to follow Ran. I can't even share a sweet moment with Ken without being interrupted. I sigh. Maybe I should take Fate's hint.
I follow at a more sedate pace, thinking things through. And to give Ken some time to talk to Ran as he catches up with him. Omi, I know, would be quick-witted enough to find something to do.
Fate moves in incomprehensible ways. Just when Ken is planning to work things out with Ran, something like this happens. It doesn't take a genius to know what Ran is thinking at all. He probably believes I have confessed my love for Ken. And knowing our prudish leader, he is going to try to ignore his love for Ken all the more. It's a stupid trait, that. Trying to ignore something when its in front of his face. I smirk. At least I know Chief Shinigami isn't perfect.
All this because fate had chosen to have Ran and Omi appear just when I was comforting Ken.
I decide that fate is either a crazy sadist or a woman.
Damn it! Ran will listen to what Ken had to say. Even if I have to break every fucking bone in his body, he will listen to what Ken had to say.
[Ran]
I stride towards the car quickly after being transfixed by the sight I witnessed. I do not want them to see the pain that spills from my eyes at the sight of Youji kissing Ken. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it.
/Aya no baka. What did you expect? That Ken is still in love with you? He walked out on you, remember?/
Aa. I remember. But still…
It hurts. It hurts to see Ken with anyone else. Especially with Youji.
I won't think of them now, I won't. We have a mission to complete tonight and I need to concentrate on that. Yes, concentrate on the mission. That's a good idea.
/Breath deeply, Aya. In. Out. Put on your mask again before anyone sees./
I rearrange my face into a cold mask of indifference as I reach the car. I do it just in time too as Ken runs up from the alley to catch hold of my arm.
"Ran! Hold on for a moment will you? We need to talk."
Talk? What would Ken want to talk about?
I turn cold violet eyes on him and watch him flinch. I tell myself I don't care.
"If its about the mission, Ken, we can 'talk' about that when we are enroute to the mission."
"Its not about that." Ken tells me softly, hesitation in his eyes. "Its about us."
Us? Us? What is there to talk about us when I just saw Youji kiss him. I want to rant at Ken, tell him what I thought. But I don't. To do so would be to let him know I care about him.
If he had asked me this before Youji kissed him, I might have given him a smile and agreed but now? How could I when I know just what he is going to say---that he loves Youji and he wants closure from our relationship, our non-existent relationship.
I want to scream. It is tearing me up inside, this love I have for this clumsy boy. I want to tell him how much he is hurting me, how I want to kill Youji with my katana.
"Ran? You will talk with me won't you?"
All anger drains out of me as my violet eyes meet pleading brown ones. It is like being thrown back to the past. I can never resist him when he turns those eyes at me. Never could. And I have a feeling I never would. I can do nothing but agree, even though I know it hurts me.
"After the mission, Ken. We'll talk after the mission."