Email: swythangel@hotmail.com
Title: Götterdammerüng (Twilight of the Gods)
Type: Series 13/?
Teaser: With their return to Weiß, Ken and Ran find old feelings resurfacing...
Rating: PG (just to be safe)
Spoilers: I don't know, let's just assume there is
Warnings: Strong Language, Shonen Ai leaning towards Yaoi
Keywords: Ken, Aya/Ran, Youji, Ran/AyaxKen, YoujixKen, angst, a lil fluff
Disclaimer: Weiß Kreuz is not mine, just as kawaii Tomokazu Seki is not mine…both are Koyasu Takehito's…Or at least I'd like to think Seki and Koyasu belong together. Ahohohoho! Twisted me!
Short still...runs away from kate-chan ^-^>but I find myself wanting to write Yotan angsting. Yotan angsting is good. ^o^ I love Yotan angsting about Ken. If I wasn't such a RanxKen fanatic, I'd shove Ken towards Youji without blinking. ^^
Its really going to go into the details in the next parts hopefully! ^-^ Domo to everyone who supports Gott! Gotta love you guys. You keep me writing. ^^
Götterdammerüng
(Twilight of the Gods)
Part 13
[Youji]
"No, I want to stay here."
/Yes, I know you want to stay here Ken, you've been telling me this for the past half-hour but you can't. You look as pale as Ran does. I won't have you keeling over on me./
"No." I tell Ken firmly, looking straight into his tempestuous stubborn eyes with my own brand of pigheadedness. In this I am not to be swayed. Not when it comes to Ken's health.
"You are going to go to your flat to rest for a few hours. God knows we all need it."
"Come on, Ken-kun. Youji-kun is right. We all need the rest. You look ready to drop."
"I'm fine, really."
Ken protests, all the while looking at the prone form on the bed. I look at Omi. Both of us are wearing identical expressions of exasperation. We've been with Ken long enough to know this would eventually crop up.
"No." I tell him again, firmly. The kind of no that did not take any bullshit. I refuse to endanger his health just for Ran.
He looks at me angrily and explodes.
"Fuck off, Youji! Who are you to dictate what I can and cannot do?"
I should have expected that. Who am I indeed?
"Ran's sick. How can you guys even think of resting when he hasn't gained consciousness ever since the fucking mission. How can *I* sleep knowing he's in this state? You guys just don't goddamn care what happens to him."
A heavy silence follows Ken's outburst. A silence that seems to throb, making me imagine that the anaesthetic white walls of the small sickroom in Dr.Kanzaki's private office is moving along in time with my heartbeats.
We all know how unfair that sounded, even Ken. And Omi and I are level-headed enough not to deign it with a reply. Of course we care for Ran. Ken is just too angry to notice. And in a few minutes, he is going to realize that.
1,2,…
"F…forgive me. I didn't mean that."
From Ken's end of the room, the brown eyes lift up to look at me and then at Omi in apology. I can see love and concern tearing him up inside. And I hurt along with him.
"We know." I tell him softly. "But you can't do anything right now, Ken. Not until Dr.K can tell us what's going on. As much as Ran might need you, you need sleep as well. So I'll take the first watch. I'll call you if any developments come to light."
I nod my head at Omi and the younger blonde tug at Ken's hand to lead him out of the door. Ken's eyes stray once again to the bed. Not surprising really especially since his attention never left it since we got here.
"He will be alright, won't he, Youji?"
He looks like a child, wanting reassurance that all will be well. Love, pain, desperation, hope and other mixed emotions I can't identify seem to radiate out of his very being. And I wonder once again just how much he loves Ran.
"Yes. Yes, he will be."
And with that, Ken reluctantly follows Omi out of the door.
As soon as I hear the outer door click shut, I open a pack of new cigarettes and light one, going to the open window to think about things.
Finally, I can drop the strong front I have been keeping in place for the other two and just be myself. Its hard to be strong when I'm as scared shitless as Omi and Ken.
Chief Shinigami might not be my most favorite person but it gives me the creeps to see him lying there like he's close to death. And in a few hours just after being hit with a fucking dart too.It just seems so surreal.
I turn then and lean my back on the wall beside the window to look at Ran's prone form on the bed. He is so pale and still, his scarlet hair starkly in contrast with the predominantly white room that it makes him look even deathly paler than before.
I am not a really God-fearing man. But if there is a God out there, I hope He can hear me and not let Chief Shinigami die. For Weiß' sake, for everyone's sanity, but mostly, for Ken.
All thoughts lead to Ken eventually.
/You won't die, Ran. Because if you do, you'll break Ken's heart once again. And for that, I will hunt you to the lowest levels of hell just to make you pay./
I recall the love I heard in Ken's voice as he asked me for reassurance. I can't even comprehend the depth and breadth of the emotion in his voice. But I know that it's the real thing and as all things that pertained to Ran and Ken's relationship, or lack thereof did, it made my chest ache and I forget to breathe.
Maybe it's the darkness or maybe its just that I'm tired and I can't hold back my emotions any longer. Not and stay sane at the same time. But it seems that the walls I have been keeping around my emotions for so long seem to crumble to dust as I sit here, surrounded by the lonely night.
/I hate you, Ran. I hate you for what you can have with Ken but refuse to see./
I throw my cigarette violently out the window and stride to the edge of the bed, looking down at the beautiful face. A face that held no fascination for me, unlike what it did for Ken.
/Just what is it about you, Ran, that elicits such a reaction from Ken? You who fucking like to hide your emotions from everyone, even from him whom you love the most. What does he see in you?/
What does Ken see in Ran? Ran who always seem to want to hide behind his unassailable fortress of silence, Ran who seems to be the absolute antithesis of Ken's personality.
I know what he sees in Ken. Ken who loves the sun, laughter and children. Ken who has a boundless concern for people that seem to never end, Ken who has an open guileless charm that is so infinitely adorable in every way.
/What is it that you do that makes him love you so much? So much that he sunk into depression when he thought you rejected him, so much that he aches for everything done to you, so much that he is willing to sacrifice his well-being to be by your side when you are like this./
/What do you have, Ran that I don't?/
I love laughter too just like Ken. And I am more open of my emotions that Ran will ever be.
I was there when Ken needed a friend. Ran was not. And I would never have hurt Ken for anything.
Why then must fate give Ken to Ran?
Its hard, so very fucking hard not to be bitter about everything. I know that I tell myself that I want Ken's happiness and if it lay with Ran then I would gladly step aside. Anything for Ken to be happy.
But its just so fucking hard!
I rake my hands through my hair.
I want to be the one Ken worries about. And I would gladly trade places with Ran now if it would mean Ken would look at me the same way he looks at Ran.
/What is it that you have that I don't?/
Even as I know that I won't ever receive an answer, the anguish in my heart overwhelms me too much and even futility doesn't stop the next words falling from my lips.
"Tell me."
I give way to my weakness now because it is the only time I can do so. Tomorrow I will be back to my old self and to my old habits. I know I will try everything to make sure Chief Shinigami will be alright because Ken would break if Ran gets worse.
And when Ran is well enough I know that I will try to get them back together.
But tonight, tonight I have the time to exorcise my demons and vent my innermost feelings.
That's what's so good about the darkness, it allows one to bare one's wildest, innermost feelings, the raw unrestrained thoughts that lurk in the deepest recesses of the mind. The darkness embraces these thoughts and cradles them to itself lovingly, vanishing just as soon as the sun's bright fingers creep up on it. This way the light will never see these deep dark secrets one hides except in the occasional unnoticeable shadows.
Such a fuckingly poetic thought but so damn true.
And for tonight, the darkness is my thoughts' lover. I can say what I feel, even in front of Chief Shinigami and it will all disappear in the morning. I need this, if only to keep sane. Just for tonight.
Imagine me, Youji Kudou, angsting in the dark. So very out of character with my usually sunnily sarcastic personality. I smile to myself, a humorless self-mocking smile. Behind the carefree soul that I often present, so very few people really know the real me.
But I don't have time to delve and indulge in too many thoughts as my communicator meeps.
"Balinese, roger."
Its automatic reflex to use my assassin name when I open the communicator. But its not automatic reflex for my pulse to quicken. Though I can't help it. I am expecting bad news. After all, Omi and Ken should be on their way home. Only bad news would possess the two to use the communicator.
"Youji! Ken…Ken fainted again! I need help to get him there. We're on the highway."
Goddamn it! Not Ken.
"Hang on, Omi. I'll be there in a few minutes with the car."
I shoot out of my seat and hurry out of the room, going straight outside and to the car without so much as a by your leave at the good Doctor. In the back of my mind I realize that I have left Ran alone in the sickroom. Ken would have a fit if he knew what I did but I don't care.
I have to get to Ken.
TBC
^_~ Everyone repeat after me: "Comments
onegai?" Ahohoho! I am just so predictable aren't I?