Resting in Quatre's lap on the couch, Trowa whimpered softly. Quatre
tightened his hold on his lover before stroking the auburn hair that rested
across tear soaked features. Trowa had been crying off and on for the last
hour; and across from him on the other couch, Duo sat like Trowa did, his
tears staining the front of Heero's shirt as Trowa's did his own.
The four of them had retired to wait in Quatre and Trowa's apartment not long after midnight. Nearly six hours later, none of them had moved from the places they'd started from and Quatre felt the numbness of his mind along with his body.
His daughter. Killashandra was his daughter. Flesh and blood; daughter where blood didn't matter but was none the less true. She was his, his and Trowa's; she was their daughter. And those bastards had hurt her!
Memories of the things Killashandra had shown him about her past flashed through his mind and he felt his body tense at the rage and agony he felt, the helplessness and the guilt, for not being there to protect his only child.
"Quatre?" He looked down to see Trowa's red rimmed eyes staring back at him. Trowa was a wreak. Quatre had never seen his lover fall so completely apart.
When they'd returned to the apartment, all four of them had gone to look in on the children who were no longer strangers. Like statues, they'd stood there for nearly an hour, watching too tiny chests fall with deep sleepy breaths; rise and fall, attesting to their slumber and not their deaths.
Duo had said something, something in the moment about how very much Shingam's hair looked like Heero's, and Trowa had simply lost it.
He'd wrenched himself from Quatre's comforting arms and had raced from the room. Knowing something was wrong and that Trowa shouldn't be alone, Quatre had gone after him, the others had followed.
They'd found Trowa pacing in the living room, back and forth, back and forth, he'd moved like a caged animal-one trying to get to its young.
"Trowa?" His voice had been timid, he could feel something damaging and terrifying on the cusp of Trowa's mind. It felt like the scorching sun of his desert homelands and the bitter nothingness of space, it was the way Trowa's mind felt only when he was cornered, only when he had nowhere else to go but his own mind.
"Trowa-"
"She's my daughter, Quatre. Paternity tests don't lie, that little girl in there is my daughter."
He couldn't say anything, so he just nodded.
"And they hurt her, Quatre. They hurt my baby, my little girl! I swore no one would ever hurt my children, never! I swore it while they raped me! I swore it while they beat me! I swore if I couldn't protect myself, then I'd protect you and our children! Look! Look what I've let happen!" Arms shifting in wild gestures while Trowa's manic voice boomed in the apartment, colliding with the walls and bouncing back to hit Quatre, to slam into him and stop his breath. Trowa couldn't really thing this was his fault, could he?
His legs had had a head start on his mind and by the time his brain had caught up, he was already half way to Trowa's side. When he stood in front of him, he grabbed Trowa's arms and pinned them to the sides of his body while his lover's half crazed eyes focused and finally locked on him, there was a rage there that Quatre had never seen, and instantly he knew what it was.
Trowa had always tried to protect him, always, but Quatre had been a boy/man when they'd met, in the same league as Trowa himself; and so Trowa had wisely contented himself to caring for him not as a father, but as a lover. But this was different, this was about a little girl, their little girl, and the rage had a name, a title-Fatherly Love. This was care at its finest level, this was love at its greatest achievement. This was a decade of beatings and rapes and promises to never be the one inflicting the tortures crashing around Trowa in one instant. It didn't matter that he and Trowa had had no idea they were fathers, or that their little girl lay in the clutches of a mad group of scientists. All that mattered was that she had been, and that they hadn't protected her, they'd let her get hurt, and that wasn't acceptable.
"You are not responsible for what happened. Do you hear me, Trowa?! We didn't know. We had no idea! We didn't know, but we do now, we do now, and we are never going to let anything happen to her again! Never! We are not bad parents, we just weren't parents until a few hours ago! Damnit, we have to put this into perspective, we have to think about this with reason, otherwise the guilt will eat us alive, and then where will Killashandra be? We cannot allow her to suffer anymore than she already has; that means that we have to put the guilt behind us before it starts, we have to be strong because she needs us now!" In his grasp, Trowa had visibly wilted and a soft shaking was rapidly become something more.
So strong, and yet, so very delicate.
"Come Trowa, sit with me. You and I have lost the luxury of guilt and grief and there is a little girl in there that will deserve so much more when she wakes up. But you need this now, you need to feel the guilt and grief, so feel it Trowa, feel it now while she sleeps safely in the other room. Feel it now in my arms, because once she awakens, neither you nor I will have the ability to dwell in these feelings; she deserves better." He'd pulled Trowa onto the couch then, and had settled his taller lover to rest in his lap, his head against his chest. "Feel these feelings for the both of us, Trowa, feel them so that I can feel them through you. Don't be afraid, I'll take my guilt, grief, and shame as you do. Feel for the both of us now, luv, for in the morning we are no longer boys or men, but fathers."
In the minutes that followed, Heero and Duo had taken a seat across from them, and together the four of them had waited for the children to awaken. Duo and Trowa wept while he and Heero stared into space, both knowing what had to be done in a few short hours and yet neither knowing if they were truly up for the challenge. Compared to fatherhood, piloting a Gundam, saving the colonies, protecting the world from terrorists' attacks, it was all so meaningless and worthless. They'd lost half a decade of their children's lives, they would not lose a minute more.
And so they sat, waiting for the hour when the children would awaken. Every now and again, Trowa would whimper and Quatre would sooth him with voice and touch alone, not having the strength to ease his mind with his abilities, he was too tired. Like Trowa, Duo too whimpered as the minutes turned to hours, as they waited and worried over what the morning would bring; but Heero only held him closer, holding the long haired pilot together with physicality and soft whispers. In those moments, they were all more fragile than paper-thin glass.
Towards seven, Duo shifted and grabbed Quatre attention away from Trowa's still shaking body.
"Heero?" The Japanese pilot brushed the pad of his thumb across a tear stained cheek. "Heero, do you think my daughter went to heaven?" A question, but there wasn't any hope in Duo's voice, none at all, it was as if the young man knew already what the answer was but hoped against hope that Heero could change it. Heero tried.
"Yes."
Duo struggled to stand, but Heero held him firmly to the couch. "No! Heero you don't understand! Catholics believe that unbaptized children don't go to heaven! Do you hear me?! They don't get to go to heaven, their pagan children, children without God's blessing! They don't go to heaven, Heero, they go to purgatory! Do you know what purgatory is?!" The American was becoming more and more agitated, struggling against Heero, his voice taking on a shrieking quality that sent shivers down Quatre's spine and tears to his eyes as in his arms, Trowa began to sob again. "No heaven! No God! They just exist in this limbo, this place where there isn't anything! That can't happen, Heero! It can't! I won't let it! I won't let them do this to my little girl! I won't let her be damned! She'll have salvation, Heero! She'll have it! She has to have it.she just has too.oh.God." And with that the fight was gone and Duo again fell against Heero. For many long minutes, Heero left the tears on his own cheeks unchecked as he ran his fingers through soft brown bangs. For a long time he did nothing as Duo and Trowa again wept for different and yet similar reasons.
Finally, he spoke, and all in the room listened. "I have never claimed to know much about your God, Duo. I've never given it much thought. But I know this, your religion has been around for centuries, since Before Colony, and it made the perilous journey to the colonies, and survived the skepticism of those very same colonies. And in those colonies, as women died in childbirth from the stress of colony life, and children followed their mothers, your Christian religion survived. The colonists would not have tolerated a religion or a god that would forsake their dead, especially their children. Contrary to the early bible teachings, the things you've told me about your God all point to Him being merciful and kind, understanding, and loving. He does not seem the type of god to forsake lost children. He knows she is your daughter, Koi, and I know your God understands that she is one of His.children. I know, in my heart, that when the time comes, you'll see her again, and she'll be happy in heaven, waiting for you."
Like sand shifting over the desert, Quatre felt Duo's unease settle. Heero's words, though spoken without authority of wisdom, were all the truth Duo needed. In time, perhaps years later, Duo would again question where his daughters spirit rested, but for now, he lay still as stone in Heero's arms; but it was a stillness of the mind as well, Duo was calm for the time being.
He felt Trowa take in a sigh before long elegant fingers brushed against his cheek.
"It's going to be ok, Quatre. You, me, our family and Heero's, we're all going to be ok."
The tightness in his throat prevented him from saying anything so he nodded and placed a chase kiss on Trowa's exposed forehead.
His mind tumbled with everything that had happened in the last few days, but he kept his mind as quiet as he could. Already on ice cracked from his last empathic storm, his mind was easily prone to another as he was too weak to process everything. But he held himself in check knowing two things; one, he had Trowa to think of, and two, he had Killashandra to think of as well. He wouldn't fail either one like he had in the past, he wouldn't! Seeing Trowa as frail as he was now curled into his lap, strengthened Quatre's resolve to do what must be done and finally claim his lover once and for all; Killashandra deserved a family, not two men acting the parts written for them. He'd deal with it all as he could; right now, he needed to take care of Trowa, and once Killa woke up, he'd have to take care of them both. So Quatre sat quietly, running gentle fingers through Trowa's hair, conserving his strength, for in only a little while, he'd be forced to abandon himself once again for his family.
Sometimes a little while is only a matter of seconds.
At the swoosh they turned as a group, Trowa and Duo sitting up to look towards the door to the children's bedroom. The high back of the couch put them at a disadvantage, so that they didn't know which child it was until the little one rounded the side of the couch to stand two feet from Quatre, and six feet from Heero, it might as well have been miles.
A tiny string of ringing followed by kittenish calls for food and attention wrapped about tiny legs as Star begged Killashandra for some early morning attention. As if in a dream, the little white haired girl bent down and lifted the kitten into a grip made clumsy by her tiny size. No expression shone in her eyes as Star purred and rubbed the child under her chin with her furry head. No expression at all on her face as she looked at the group with eyes no longer clouded with sleep; but with a lack of expression that threatened to overwhelm Quatre and put him in the place Trowa had been since learning of their daughter. Her small gaunt face held no expression at all, the same non-expression that Quatre had seen a long time ago before he'd spent months and years to change it. The same expressionless look he'd nearly killed himself to change into smiles and gasps, laughter and tears. The non-expression she'd inherited from her Papa, Trowa's expression. Only unlike Trowa, Killashandra's eyes held no hope, no anything; unlike Trowa, her eyes were as dead as her lifeless expression.
But if the tiny girl knew of Quatre's sudden pain she acknowledged nothing. Instead she stood on the edge of the living room, at the corner of the couch, and looked at the four of them. She shifted Star as the kitten began to squirm, but Killa did nothing, only stared between the four of them, as if deciding what to do next.
He felt Trowa try to say something, indeed, his lover opened his mouth and moved his lips, but nothing came out, no sound or words, as if he were struck dumb at his own inexperience as a father. And being the one to always protect Trowa, being the one to sacrifice for his family, being the only one of them all who had ever really had a group of people he could call his family, Quatre spoke for them all.
"Killa, come here for a moment, Trowa and I have something we need to tell you." He didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't Killashandra setting Star down to the carpet and moving to stand in front of him and Trowa. Her too thin arms reached up for him, and like a father should, he lifted her to rest in his lap, unconsciously holding her tightly to his chest. He heard the jingle of Star's bell only a moment before his entire family was assembled on their living room couch, both Trowa and Killashandra's hands working on Star's glossy coat and making the kitten purr. He took a deep breath, and as if his family knew something important was about to be said by the head of the household, they turned to him with expectant eyes.
He started slowly. "Killa, you know that Trowa and I have already told you that we were going to adopt you. We told you that would mean that you would become our daughter, and we'd take care of you always and forever, and that we'd be a family, do you remember?" Like he knew she wouldn't, she said and did nothing; and yet, still, he knew she understood. "Well, last night Lady Une, Marieminna's mom, told us that the documents Heero retrieved from the awful place you lived before were opened, and now we know a lot more about you and Shingam than we did before. It turns out, there were a lot of really important things in those documents, things that will help us find the people that hurt you and Shingam, but there was something even more important in them." He paused, glancing at Trowa to make sure he was going about this right. But Trowa could only stare back at him blankly, neither one knew what to do or say, it wasn't in mercenary or CEO training.
Taking a breath, he continued. "The papers had a strand of your DNA, and when Sally matched the DNA up to try and find your parents, she found out something very amazing.and wonderful." He had to reassure her, make sure she understood that this wasn't just an accident, he'd never allow his children-his daughter-to believe she was created for a purpose, for anything except love. "A really wonderful thing. You see, those DNA tests said that Trowa and I don't have to adopt you to make you part of our family, because you already are. The test said that you are our daughter, that Trowa and I are your parents, real parents, flesh and blood parents. You see Killa, we're already a family, and you're already our daughter. The best daughter we could have ever hoped for, ever! We love you so much, and I know you're probably confused bu-"
Suddenly he stopped. It wasn't like it had been in the past, like all the other times, desperate. This time the song played out a sort of soothing melody, as if to say, 'Don't worry, I understand; I've always understood.' And then, he understood as well.
"Quatre?" Trowa's concerned face met his eyes, and Quatre flinched as he fell back to reality, the childhood ABC song faded into nothing. Caught off guard, he looked away from Trowa and into eyes equally as green, and clear, and beautiful, the eyes of his daughter; eyes that locked with his and held him.
"You understand, don't you Killashandra? You knew, just like Shingam knows. But why? Why didn't you tell us-have Shingam tell us that you were our children? I don't understand."
But Duo answered the question for her. "Would we have believed them, Quatre?"
He wanted to believe that he would have, he knew in his heart, it would have been too much to hope for.
"Killashandra," he turned to look at Trowa who was speaking softly as he carefully took Killa from his lap. "You're a very smart and beautiful little girl, and I'm so proud to have you as my daughter. I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have a family and now I have both you and Quatre," he paused to smile, "and even Star. If Quatre's right and you knew we were you're parents, that makes some things easier, but it has to make other things harder. I know you have questions, even if you can't ask them right now, and Quatre and I will try to tell you everything that we can. The most important thing," he paused and then locked gazes with Quatre for a moment before returning to Killa's. "The most important thing is that you understand that Quatre and I love you very much, in fact, more than anything in the universe. You're probably wondering how that can be since Quatre and I just found out that you are our daughter, but it's a special Daddy thing. The second Quatre and I found out that you were our daughter we instantly fell in love with you a hundred times more than we were before. Daddy's can do that you know, can fall in love with their children in just a second, it's a very special kind of love. The kind that's always good and happy, and never ever goes away. It's that right, Quatre?"
He wanted to say yes, wanted to reassure both his lover and their daughter. But he'd seen this love that Trowa now spoke of, he'd see it as all the wonderful things Trowa had just described, and then he'd seen it wither at disapproval and disgust, he'd seen it die before his eyes, only to overcome him with madness. Some part of his mind that wasn't caught up in his own fears recognized that Trowa now understood where his mind was, what he was thinking about, he knew it as much as he realized that Killashandra had to know it too.
But what if? What if Killashandra one day did something that he disapproved of, that he simply couldn't tolerate in his set ways of stone and Gundanium? What if she angered him over something? What if she wouldn't listen to him? What if his only option was to beat her until she did what she was told? What if.
Suddenly, a strong hand gripped him about the lower jaw and roughly shook him until his eyes settled once again into Trowa's. Trowa's voice was calm when he spoke, confidence finally back in his voice. "You said so yourself, beloved, we will not repeat the mistakes of our past; we're better than they were." And like a gentle shake, Quatre knew it too be so. He shifted positions, until he had his back snuggled against Trowa's side, his head resting just under Trowa's armpit as he gazed at Killa and stroked her hair, reveling in the first sign of emotion she'd given all morning as she leaned into his caress, begging for more.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Duo and Heero watching them, studying how they interacted with their new daughter. The first trial was over, and only one child remained. But Quatre understood he was lucky, that he and Trowa were fortunate enough to have been in constant contact with the children since they'd arrived. Killa and Shingam were comfortable with them, and he understood the apprehension he felt from the two young men, as they awaited their own trial at the rising of their son. Not surprisingly, they didn't have to wait long.
As Shingam sometimes did, he must have noticed that Killashandra was missing from their bed, and like the life mate he'd grow up to be, he left the bedroom to search for her. They head the door open with a swoosh and again they all tensed, and it seemed even Killa joined them.
But around the corner of the couch came a boy they hadn't seen before; this one was dressed as before, a pair of shorts and a white tee-shirt, his hair was still bed tousled, and he was still wiping the sleep from his eyes. But this little boy was wearing a smile as big as the sun, and while he didn't run into the living room, none could mistake the excitement he gave off for anything but.
Smile wide, he looked at them all and said in a big voice-just as Duo had taught him the night before, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" And then in a rare display that was thankfully becoming more commonplace, he giggled. Turning to Duo his smile only widened. "Did I do it right?"
So innocent and so packed with hidden meanings, Duo could do nothing more than turn away and hide his face in Heero's shoulder. Shingam seemed perplexed for a moment as Heero warred within himself as to reassure his lover or his son; but Shingam made the decision for him, he turned his attention to the couch.
"Good morning, Killa. It's Christmas! Do you remember what Duo said? He said presents that are only for fun, like our rocking horse and mirror Quatre gave us, for fun and not for training. Then there's gonna be a big breakfast, remember some of the things Duo said we were going to get to eat? You were really excited about those things Trowa was going to make, remember, craps-no-crapes! And then there's going to be even more food at dinner, and Duo said we could even play with our toys and that he'd teach us how to sing some more Christmas songs!" He was a boy on Christmas, his very first one.
Heero had to spoil it for his own good.
"Shingam?" At his name the boy turned his excitement on Heero, the sadness of the previous night gone with the dawning of a new day.
"Heero, Killa and I are still going to get to go to you and Duo's apartment to get our socks right?" He turned to gift Quatre and Trowa with an explanation. "Duo said that Santa Clause gives you candy in your socks if you hang them over a fireplace, so we did at Duo and Heero's. Killa likes candy, and I like the red and white ones, Duo said their candy canes, and they kind of look like canes, so it makes sense." He was literally bouncing now, the balls of his feet sending him up and down in his anticipation. Heero had to try again.
"Shingam, there's something we need to talk about." It wasn't that Heero's voice was cold, though it was, and it wasn't that his demeanor was ridged, but it was too, no it was a combination of those things, and then absolute fear; fear that he'd lose his son before he'd ever had him. Duo must have heard the desperation in his lover's voice; Heero was so new to emotions that he was speaking to Shingam as he used to the other pilots, like a soldier. With a touch on his arm, Duo silenced his partner as he took a deep breath and prepared to gamble his family's happy future on one flimsy explanation.
"Shingam, last night, after you and Killa went to bed, Marieminna's mom called us-me, Heero, Quatre and Trowa-into her office to tell us that all the information from the place you used to live at had been decoded and analyzed. Well, there were a lot of interesting things we learned last night, lots of things, but the great thing is we learned who you and Killa's parents are." Duo paused to steel himself for the next part, but Shingam seemed uninterested.
"Real parents, or new parents, because Killa and I are going to be adopted by Quatre and Trowa. Trowa told us yesterday." There was a flicker of excitement in Shingam, but with it died a hope in Duo that was made physical by the half sob he tried to conceal. Shingam must not have noticed. "Isn't that right, Quatre? Killa and I are going to live with you and Trowa for ever and ever!" His smile widened, as Quatre's heart plummeted. He didn't know what to do and so he looked to Heero for help. He should have looked at a deer in a pair of headlights. The strong pilot of Wing and later Wing Zero, the deadliest piece of machinery ever created was pale and nearly lifeless as he listened to his son excitedly exclaim he was going to be happy living away from him. It broke Quatre's heart, and as he knew what he had to do, and he resigned himself to again explaining things to a hopeful child.
"That is what Trowa said, Shingam." He didn't even have to say 'but' it was in his voice, and Shingam heard it, loud and clear as if he'd shouted it from the highest mountain and cheered at being rid of a boy he'd only just professed to wanting. He felt the panic rise up in Shingam along with his own. "Shingam-"
"You don't want us now, do you? You're going to be just like Duo and Heero! They want kids so their going to get some, kids that aren't they're own! They don't want they're own kids, their own son, and now you don't want us either!" Tears threatened his eyes, and with a blink they cascaded down his flushed cheeks once rosy with happiness, now colored in angry, bitter, jealousy at the lucky children to take their places.
"NO! Shingam it isn't anything like that!" Across from him he heard Duo moan in agony, and Heero tried desperately to breath. He'd already told them he believed Shingam knew they were his fathers, hearing the bitterness in a boy so young fearing replacement was heart wrenching. But he should have known that Duo would never have allowed a child to feel as unwanted as he once had.
Quatre never saw Death move, but in an instant, his best friend had Shingam securely bound in his arms, holding the struggling child tightly. Surprised like the rest, Quatre could only watch as Duo exorcised the demons of his past by opening up his future.
"Shingam, stop for just a minute. Quatre said that you might already know that Heero and I are you're real parents and now I know that's true. You've known all this time, why didn't you tell us when you got here, when Killa called out to Quatre?"
The boy continued to struggle. "We didn't know you. Mother said we could trust Quatre, but we didn't know you! Quatre said he'd take care of us, he said he'd always take care of us! He said we were going to be his family! Killa's his daughter, and now he doesn't want her, doesn't want us! We were supposed to be able to trust him! Now he's betrayed us! I'm glad I didn't tell you, I'm glad! Mother said we could trust Quatre and look, she didn't say anything about you!" The implications were clear, Duo and Heero would betray them if Quatre did. Quatre simply wanted to die at the heartache he felt from Shingam. He tried to reach out, tried to go to the little boy, but in a twist he never would have expected, the tiny hand of one Killashandra broke from its stillness and touched his arm, 'Wait' it said; he didn't move.
Duo continued. "Hey, that's fair. Heero and I haven't exactly been there for you since you got here or even before. But we didn't know, we didn't know that you were our son. You want to hear a secret? Something no one else knows? I got adopted once. Yeah, back at the orphanage I was telling you about, I got adopted once. See you're supposed to get adopted and then live happily ever after with your new family. But guess what? I was with my new family for only three months before they took me back to the orphanage. They told Father Maxwell that I was too big a burden, and you know what happened? They dropped me off and took Deeken Heney with them instead. They didn't want me, they wanted someone else. Father Maxwell was so mad at them, and felt so sorry for me, that after that I didn't have to live with the other children anymore. Nope, I didn't want to be adopted after that, so he let me stay with him and Sister Helen. But I always felt like something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough, that there would always be someone else, some other kid better than me, that parents would want more than me. I swore that when I had kids of my own, I'd never let them feel that way, that I didn't want them, or worse, that I wanted some other kid besides them. I promised I'd never use phrases like, 'Why can't you be more like so-and-so.'
"And now look. You're my son, my only son, my miracle son, the son I never ever thought I'd be lucky enough to have. I thought that I'd fall in love with Heero and someday we'd have to adopt a bunch of kids because we couldn't have any of our own, and now look. Here you are. Our son. Perfect in every way, and everything I ever thought I'd want in a son of mine. You're strong and brave, your kind and loving, loyal and honest. I never ever thought I'd be so luck to have a child of my own, and yet here's my miracle boy, my son Shingam. My son, Shingam."
By now Shingam had stopped struggling and stood transfixed as Duo continued, listening, hopeful to every word Duo said.
"So you listen to me, you listen to you're Daddy. All the kids in the world, all the kids on all the colonies, or on the Earth, couldn't amount to dirt next to you. You're my son, my flesh and blood, and in all my life, in my entire life, through everything that I've been through, in every single one of my prayers, I asked for a son. All my prayers to God and all my secret whispers to Shinigami, I hoped I'd have a son one day, and now look, I got a son, and he's all I ever could have hoped for.
"And now before you get to thinking this is all one sided, I think you should know a few things about your Dad. I keep forgetting what dad is in Japanese, so we'll stick with dad until Heero pulls on my braid, ok?" Dumbly and obviously in shock, Shingam nodded. "Well, Heero's a lot like me, see? He's never had a family either, just raised by this horrible guy that treated him like a grown man before he was out of diapers. And you want to know what Heero's secret wish is, what it's always been since he was little more than your age? He's wanted a family, a real family with a.husband, and kids of his own, especially kids. Heero-your dad-thought that he got pretty damn lucky when he got me-which he did-but he thought it was too good to be true that we could raise some children together. I kid you not, soldier boy actually wanted to raise a bunch of kids just like me, imagine my surprise. Anyway, the point is, neither of us ever thought we'd have our own children, we thought the best we'd ever be able to get was someone else's children. Now don't get me wrong, we'd love any child, but to know that you're our son, our real son.Shingam, do you know how proud of you your dad and I are? How proud we are to call you our son? You've been through so much, protected Killashandra so well, we're the proudest parents on the block! We're going to take care of you now, like Quatre and Trowa did, only it'll be different because you're our son. No one's ever going to hurt you again, Shingam, ever, you don't have to be afraid, because you dad and I will defend you to the death, we'd do anything for you, anything!
"Now, to be fair you're probably going crazy trying to figure out if you can trust me, so let's settle this. We learned about your connection with Killashandra last night, so why don't you use it. Have Killashandra go into my mind so that she can tell you that I'm telling you the truth. I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie; I'll never lie to you Shingam, but you ask Killashandra, I don't mind if you need to be sure."
"And me as well."
Suddenly Heero was beside Duo, one arm about his lover's waist, the other brushing the unruly hair from Shingam's face. "You are my son, Shingam, no matter what, you are my son, and I love you. Love you more than anything in the universe, you and Duo are the family I always wanted, but never thought I deserved; I'm glad I was wrong. But you have to accept us. We'll understand if you can't call us Dad or Daddy, that might be asking too much. But if you can, give us a chance to prove to you that we love you, because we do love you, Shingam, more than anything we've ever known in our lives." Duo nodded and smiled, just as Heero leaned down and kissed the child's bang covered forehead.
There was such clear and unadulterated surprise on Shingam's face. One little boy who'd had nothing but himself and a little girl, now had two fathers and two almost fathers-uncles?
Turning to look away, Shingam locked eyes with Quatre, a desperate look there, one that Quatre couldn't read, but Killashandra could. Shingam's eyes swung away from his at some mental prompt by Killa and together they held a silent conversation as Duo and Heero held their breaths and Quatre and Trowa tried their hardest to hold onto the peace they'd found so far this morning.
Finally, Shingam nodded and turned back to Duo, a shy expression on his face, causing the boy to duck his head at Duo's intense eyes. "You-you really want me to be your son?"
Duo choked on the response so Heero answered for them both.
"More than anything in the universe."
"You want me more-more than some other kid?"
Duo found his voice then. "A hundred times more than some other kid-a thousand!"
And then it was settled. It was so easy, as Shingam smiled brightly and moved in closer to sit on Duo's kneeling lap and smiled at Heero. "Is what you said true?" He asked Duo.
"Which thing?" His best friend asked sharing a smile with Heero before tucking his son under his chin.
"That families celebrate Christmas together in the morning and then eat together?"
Duo's voice broke as he answered, "Yes-it's true."
"Good. Then I'll celebrate with you and Heero since you're my family, and Killa can celebrate with Quatre and Trowa since they're her family, and we can all celebrate together since Killa and I are family. Right?"
Heero's tone was strong with pride as he ruffled his son's hair. "Right."
'Tis the season to be with family, even new ones.
The four of them had retired to wait in Quatre and Trowa's apartment not long after midnight. Nearly six hours later, none of them had moved from the places they'd started from and Quatre felt the numbness of his mind along with his body.
His daughter. Killashandra was his daughter. Flesh and blood; daughter where blood didn't matter but was none the less true. She was his, his and Trowa's; she was their daughter. And those bastards had hurt her!
Memories of the things Killashandra had shown him about her past flashed through his mind and he felt his body tense at the rage and agony he felt, the helplessness and the guilt, for not being there to protect his only child.
"Quatre?" He looked down to see Trowa's red rimmed eyes staring back at him. Trowa was a wreak. Quatre had never seen his lover fall so completely apart.
When they'd returned to the apartment, all four of them had gone to look in on the children who were no longer strangers. Like statues, they'd stood there for nearly an hour, watching too tiny chests fall with deep sleepy breaths; rise and fall, attesting to their slumber and not their deaths.
Duo had said something, something in the moment about how very much Shingam's hair looked like Heero's, and Trowa had simply lost it.
He'd wrenched himself from Quatre's comforting arms and had raced from the room. Knowing something was wrong and that Trowa shouldn't be alone, Quatre had gone after him, the others had followed.
They'd found Trowa pacing in the living room, back and forth, back and forth, he'd moved like a caged animal-one trying to get to its young.
"Trowa?" His voice had been timid, he could feel something damaging and terrifying on the cusp of Trowa's mind. It felt like the scorching sun of his desert homelands and the bitter nothingness of space, it was the way Trowa's mind felt only when he was cornered, only when he had nowhere else to go but his own mind.
"Trowa-"
"She's my daughter, Quatre. Paternity tests don't lie, that little girl in there is my daughter."
He couldn't say anything, so he just nodded.
"And they hurt her, Quatre. They hurt my baby, my little girl! I swore no one would ever hurt my children, never! I swore it while they raped me! I swore it while they beat me! I swore if I couldn't protect myself, then I'd protect you and our children! Look! Look what I've let happen!" Arms shifting in wild gestures while Trowa's manic voice boomed in the apartment, colliding with the walls and bouncing back to hit Quatre, to slam into him and stop his breath. Trowa couldn't really thing this was his fault, could he?
His legs had had a head start on his mind and by the time his brain had caught up, he was already half way to Trowa's side. When he stood in front of him, he grabbed Trowa's arms and pinned them to the sides of his body while his lover's half crazed eyes focused and finally locked on him, there was a rage there that Quatre had never seen, and instantly he knew what it was.
Trowa had always tried to protect him, always, but Quatre had been a boy/man when they'd met, in the same league as Trowa himself; and so Trowa had wisely contented himself to caring for him not as a father, but as a lover. But this was different, this was about a little girl, their little girl, and the rage had a name, a title-Fatherly Love. This was care at its finest level, this was love at its greatest achievement. This was a decade of beatings and rapes and promises to never be the one inflicting the tortures crashing around Trowa in one instant. It didn't matter that he and Trowa had had no idea they were fathers, or that their little girl lay in the clutches of a mad group of scientists. All that mattered was that she had been, and that they hadn't protected her, they'd let her get hurt, and that wasn't acceptable.
"You are not responsible for what happened. Do you hear me, Trowa?! We didn't know. We had no idea! We didn't know, but we do now, we do now, and we are never going to let anything happen to her again! Never! We are not bad parents, we just weren't parents until a few hours ago! Damnit, we have to put this into perspective, we have to think about this with reason, otherwise the guilt will eat us alive, and then where will Killashandra be? We cannot allow her to suffer anymore than she already has; that means that we have to put the guilt behind us before it starts, we have to be strong because she needs us now!" In his grasp, Trowa had visibly wilted and a soft shaking was rapidly become something more.
So strong, and yet, so very delicate.
"Come Trowa, sit with me. You and I have lost the luxury of guilt and grief and there is a little girl in there that will deserve so much more when she wakes up. But you need this now, you need to feel the guilt and grief, so feel it Trowa, feel it now while she sleeps safely in the other room. Feel it now in my arms, because once she awakens, neither you nor I will have the ability to dwell in these feelings; she deserves better." He'd pulled Trowa onto the couch then, and had settled his taller lover to rest in his lap, his head against his chest. "Feel these feelings for the both of us, Trowa, feel them so that I can feel them through you. Don't be afraid, I'll take my guilt, grief, and shame as you do. Feel for the both of us now, luv, for in the morning we are no longer boys or men, but fathers."
In the minutes that followed, Heero and Duo had taken a seat across from them, and together the four of them had waited for the children to awaken. Duo and Trowa wept while he and Heero stared into space, both knowing what had to be done in a few short hours and yet neither knowing if they were truly up for the challenge. Compared to fatherhood, piloting a Gundam, saving the colonies, protecting the world from terrorists' attacks, it was all so meaningless and worthless. They'd lost half a decade of their children's lives, they would not lose a minute more.
And so they sat, waiting for the hour when the children would awaken. Every now and again, Trowa would whimper and Quatre would sooth him with voice and touch alone, not having the strength to ease his mind with his abilities, he was too tired. Like Trowa, Duo too whimpered as the minutes turned to hours, as they waited and worried over what the morning would bring; but Heero only held him closer, holding the long haired pilot together with physicality and soft whispers. In those moments, they were all more fragile than paper-thin glass.
Towards seven, Duo shifted and grabbed Quatre attention away from Trowa's still shaking body.
"Heero?" The Japanese pilot brushed the pad of his thumb across a tear stained cheek. "Heero, do you think my daughter went to heaven?" A question, but there wasn't any hope in Duo's voice, none at all, it was as if the young man knew already what the answer was but hoped against hope that Heero could change it. Heero tried.
"Yes."
Duo struggled to stand, but Heero held him firmly to the couch. "No! Heero you don't understand! Catholics believe that unbaptized children don't go to heaven! Do you hear me?! They don't get to go to heaven, their pagan children, children without God's blessing! They don't go to heaven, Heero, they go to purgatory! Do you know what purgatory is?!" The American was becoming more and more agitated, struggling against Heero, his voice taking on a shrieking quality that sent shivers down Quatre's spine and tears to his eyes as in his arms, Trowa began to sob again. "No heaven! No God! They just exist in this limbo, this place where there isn't anything! That can't happen, Heero! It can't! I won't let it! I won't let them do this to my little girl! I won't let her be damned! She'll have salvation, Heero! She'll have it! She has to have it.she just has too.oh.God." And with that the fight was gone and Duo again fell against Heero. For many long minutes, Heero left the tears on his own cheeks unchecked as he ran his fingers through soft brown bangs. For a long time he did nothing as Duo and Trowa again wept for different and yet similar reasons.
Finally, he spoke, and all in the room listened. "I have never claimed to know much about your God, Duo. I've never given it much thought. But I know this, your religion has been around for centuries, since Before Colony, and it made the perilous journey to the colonies, and survived the skepticism of those very same colonies. And in those colonies, as women died in childbirth from the stress of colony life, and children followed their mothers, your Christian religion survived. The colonists would not have tolerated a religion or a god that would forsake their dead, especially their children. Contrary to the early bible teachings, the things you've told me about your God all point to Him being merciful and kind, understanding, and loving. He does not seem the type of god to forsake lost children. He knows she is your daughter, Koi, and I know your God understands that she is one of His.children. I know, in my heart, that when the time comes, you'll see her again, and she'll be happy in heaven, waiting for you."
Like sand shifting over the desert, Quatre felt Duo's unease settle. Heero's words, though spoken without authority of wisdom, were all the truth Duo needed. In time, perhaps years later, Duo would again question where his daughters spirit rested, but for now, he lay still as stone in Heero's arms; but it was a stillness of the mind as well, Duo was calm for the time being.
He felt Trowa take in a sigh before long elegant fingers brushed against his cheek.
"It's going to be ok, Quatre. You, me, our family and Heero's, we're all going to be ok."
The tightness in his throat prevented him from saying anything so he nodded and placed a chase kiss on Trowa's exposed forehead.
His mind tumbled with everything that had happened in the last few days, but he kept his mind as quiet as he could. Already on ice cracked from his last empathic storm, his mind was easily prone to another as he was too weak to process everything. But he held himself in check knowing two things; one, he had Trowa to think of, and two, he had Killashandra to think of as well. He wouldn't fail either one like he had in the past, he wouldn't! Seeing Trowa as frail as he was now curled into his lap, strengthened Quatre's resolve to do what must be done and finally claim his lover once and for all; Killashandra deserved a family, not two men acting the parts written for them. He'd deal with it all as he could; right now, he needed to take care of Trowa, and once Killa woke up, he'd have to take care of them both. So Quatre sat quietly, running gentle fingers through Trowa's hair, conserving his strength, for in only a little while, he'd be forced to abandon himself once again for his family.
Sometimes a little while is only a matter of seconds.
At the swoosh they turned as a group, Trowa and Duo sitting up to look towards the door to the children's bedroom. The high back of the couch put them at a disadvantage, so that they didn't know which child it was until the little one rounded the side of the couch to stand two feet from Quatre, and six feet from Heero, it might as well have been miles.
A tiny string of ringing followed by kittenish calls for food and attention wrapped about tiny legs as Star begged Killashandra for some early morning attention. As if in a dream, the little white haired girl bent down and lifted the kitten into a grip made clumsy by her tiny size. No expression shone in her eyes as Star purred and rubbed the child under her chin with her furry head. No expression at all on her face as she looked at the group with eyes no longer clouded with sleep; but with a lack of expression that threatened to overwhelm Quatre and put him in the place Trowa had been since learning of their daughter. Her small gaunt face held no expression at all, the same non-expression that Quatre had seen a long time ago before he'd spent months and years to change it. The same expressionless look he'd nearly killed himself to change into smiles and gasps, laughter and tears. The non-expression she'd inherited from her Papa, Trowa's expression. Only unlike Trowa, Killashandra's eyes held no hope, no anything; unlike Trowa, her eyes were as dead as her lifeless expression.
But if the tiny girl knew of Quatre's sudden pain she acknowledged nothing. Instead she stood on the edge of the living room, at the corner of the couch, and looked at the four of them. She shifted Star as the kitten began to squirm, but Killa did nothing, only stared between the four of them, as if deciding what to do next.
He felt Trowa try to say something, indeed, his lover opened his mouth and moved his lips, but nothing came out, no sound or words, as if he were struck dumb at his own inexperience as a father. And being the one to always protect Trowa, being the one to sacrifice for his family, being the only one of them all who had ever really had a group of people he could call his family, Quatre spoke for them all.
"Killa, come here for a moment, Trowa and I have something we need to tell you." He didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't Killashandra setting Star down to the carpet and moving to stand in front of him and Trowa. Her too thin arms reached up for him, and like a father should, he lifted her to rest in his lap, unconsciously holding her tightly to his chest. He heard the jingle of Star's bell only a moment before his entire family was assembled on their living room couch, both Trowa and Killashandra's hands working on Star's glossy coat and making the kitten purr. He took a deep breath, and as if his family knew something important was about to be said by the head of the household, they turned to him with expectant eyes.
He started slowly. "Killa, you know that Trowa and I have already told you that we were going to adopt you. We told you that would mean that you would become our daughter, and we'd take care of you always and forever, and that we'd be a family, do you remember?" Like he knew she wouldn't, she said and did nothing; and yet, still, he knew she understood. "Well, last night Lady Une, Marieminna's mom, told us that the documents Heero retrieved from the awful place you lived before were opened, and now we know a lot more about you and Shingam than we did before. It turns out, there were a lot of really important things in those documents, things that will help us find the people that hurt you and Shingam, but there was something even more important in them." He paused, glancing at Trowa to make sure he was going about this right. But Trowa could only stare back at him blankly, neither one knew what to do or say, it wasn't in mercenary or CEO training.
Taking a breath, he continued. "The papers had a strand of your DNA, and when Sally matched the DNA up to try and find your parents, she found out something very amazing.and wonderful." He had to reassure her, make sure she understood that this wasn't just an accident, he'd never allow his children-his daughter-to believe she was created for a purpose, for anything except love. "A really wonderful thing. You see, those DNA tests said that Trowa and I don't have to adopt you to make you part of our family, because you already are. The test said that you are our daughter, that Trowa and I are your parents, real parents, flesh and blood parents. You see Killa, we're already a family, and you're already our daughter. The best daughter we could have ever hoped for, ever! We love you so much, and I know you're probably confused bu-"
Suddenly he stopped. It wasn't like it had been in the past, like all the other times, desperate. This time the song played out a sort of soothing melody, as if to say, 'Don't worry, I understand; I've always understood.' And then, he understood as well.
"Quatre?" Trowa's concerned face met his eyes, and Quatre flinched as he fell back to reality, the childhood ABC song faded into nothing. Caught off guard, he looked away from Trowa and into eyes equally as green, and clear, and beautiful, the eyes of his daughter; eyes that locked with his and held him.
"You understand, don't you Killashandra? You knew, just like Shingam knows. But why? Why didn't you tell us-have Shingam tell us that you were our children? I don't understand."
But Duo answered the question for her. "Would we have believed them, Quatre?"
He wanted to believe that he would have, he knew in his heart, it would have been too much to hope for.
"Killashandra," he turned to look at Trowa who was speaking softly as he carefully took Killa from his lap. "You're a very smart and beautiful little girl, and I'm so proud to have you as my daughter. I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have a family and now I have both you and Quatre," he paused to smile, "and even Star. If Quatre's right and you knew we were you're parents, that makes some things easier, but it has to make other things harder. I know you have questions, even if you can't ask them right now, and Quatre and I will try to tell you everything that we can. The most important thing," he paused and then locked gazes with Quatre for a moment before returning to Killa's. "The most important thing is that you understand that Quatre and I love you very much, in fact, more than anything in the universe. You're probably wondering how that can be since Quatre and I just found out that you are our daughter, but it's a special Daddy thing. The second Quatre and I found out that you were our daughter we instantly fell in love with you a hundred times more than we were before. Daddy's can do that you know, can fall in love with their children in just a second, it's a very special kind of love. The kind that's always good and happy, and never ever goes away. It's that right, Quatre?"
He wanted to say yes, wanted to reassure both his lover and their daughter. But he'd seen this love that Trowa now spoke of, he'd see it as all the wonderful things Trowa had just described, and then he'd seen it wither at disapproval and disgust, he'd seen it die before his eyes, only to overcome him with madness. Some part of his mind that wasn't caught up in his own fears recognized that Trowa now understood where his mind was, what he was thinking about, he knew it as much as he realized that Killashandra had to know it too.
But what if? What if Killashandra one day did something that he disapproved of, that he simply couldn't tolerate in his set ways of stone and Gundanium? What if she angered him over something? What if she wouldn't listen to him? What if his only option was to beat her until she did what she was told? What if.
Suddenly, a strong hand gripped him about the lower jaw and roughly shook him until his eyes settled once again into Trowa's. Trowa's voice was calm when he spoke, confidence finally back in his voice. "You said so yourself, beloved, we will not repeat the mistakes of our past; we're better than they were." And like a gentle shake, Quatre knew it too be so. He shifted positions, until he had his back snuggled against Trowa's side, his head resting just under Trowa's armpit as he gazed at Killa and stroked her hair, reveling in the first sign of emotion she'd given all morning as she leaned into his caress, begging for more.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Duo and Heero watching them, studying how they interacted with their new daughter. The first trial was over, and only one child remained. But Quatre understood he was lucky, that he and Trowa were fortunate enough to have been in constant contact with the children since they'd arrived. Killa and Shingam were comfortable with them, and he understood the apprehension he felt from the two young men, as they awaited their own trial at the rising of their son. Not surprisingly, they didn't have to wait long.
As Shingam sometimes did, he must have noticed that Killashandra was missing from their bed, and like the life mate he'd grow up to be, he left the bedroom to search for her. They head the door open with a swoosh and again they all tensed, and it seemed even Killa joined them.
But around the corner of the couch came a boy they hadn't seen before; this one was dressed as before, a pair of shorts and a white tee-shirt, his hair was still bed tousled, and he was still wiping the sleep from his eyes. But this little boy was wearing a smile as big as the sun, and while he didn't run into the living room, none could mistake the excitement he gave off for anything but.
Smile wide, he looked at them all and said in a big voice-just as Duo had taught him the night before, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" And then in a rare display that was thankfully becoming more commonplace, he giggled. Turning to Duo his smile only widened. "Did I do it right?"
So innocent and so packed with hidden meanings, Duo could do nothing more than turn away and hide his face in Heero's shoulder. Shingam seemed perplexed for a moment as Heero warred within himself as to reassure his lover or his son; but Shingam made the decision for him, he turned his attention to the couch.
"Good morning, Killa. It's Christmas! Do you remember what Duo said? He said presents that are only for fun, like our rocking horse and mirror Quatre gave us, for fun and not for training. Then there's gonna be a big breakfast, remember some of the things Duo said we were going to get to eat? You were really excited about those things Trowa was going to make, remember, craps-no-crapes! And then there's going to be even more food at dinner, and Duo said we could even play with our toys and that he'd teach us how to sing some more Christmas songs!" He was a boy on Christmas, his very first one.
Heero had to spoil it for his own good.
"Shingam?" At his name the boy turned his excitement on Heero, the sadness of the previous night gone with the dawning of a new day.
"Heero, Killa and I are still going to get to go to you and Duo's apartment to get our socks right?" He turned to gift Quatre and Trowa with an explanation. "Duo said that Santa Clause gives you candy in your socks if you hang them over a fireplace, so we did at Duo and Heero's. Killa likes candy, and I like the red and white ones, Duo said their candy canes, and they kind of look like canes, so it makes sense." He was literally bouncing now, the balls of his feet sending him up and down in his anticipation. Heero had to try again.
"Shingam, there's something we need to talk about." It wasn't that Heero's voice was cold, though it was, and it wasn't that his demeanor was ridged, but it was too, no it was a combination of those things, and then absolute fear; fear that he'd lose his son before he'd ever had him. Duo must have heard the desperation in his lover's voice; Heero was so new to emotions that he was speaking to Shingam as he used to the other pilots, like a soldier. With a touch on his arm, Duo silenced his partner as he took a deep breath and prepared to gamble his family's happy future on one flimsy explanation.
"Shingam, last night, after you and Killa went to bed, Marieminna's mom called us-me, Heero, Quatre and Trowa-into her office to tell us that all the information from the place you used to live at had been decoded and analyzed. Well, there were a lot of interesting things we learned last night, lots of things, but the great thing is we learned who you and Killa's parents are." Duo paused to steel himself for the next part, but Shingam seemed uninterested.
"Real parents, or new parents, because Killa and I are going to be adopted by Quatre and Trowa. Trowa told us yesterday." There was a flicker of excitement in Shingam, but with it died a hope in Duo that was made physical by the half sob he tried to conceal. Shingam must not have noticed. "Isn't that right, Quatre? Killa and I are going to live with you and Trowa for ever and ever!" His smile widened, as Quatre's heart plummeted. He didn't know what to do and so he looked to Heero for help. He should have looked at a deer in a pair of headlights. The strong pilot of Wing and later Wing Zero, the deadliest piece of machinery ever created was pale and nearly lifeless as he listened to his son excitedly exclaim he was going to be happy living away from him. It broke Quatre's heart, and as he knew what he had to do, and he resigned himself to again explaining things to a hopeful child.
"That is what Trowa said, Shingam." He didn't even have to say 'but' it was in his voice, and Shingam heard it, loud and clear as if he'd shouted it from the highest mountain and cheered at being rid of a boy he'd only just professed to wanting. He felt the panic rise up in Shingam along with his own. "Shingam-"
"You don't want us now, do you? You're going to be just like Duo and Heero! They want kids so their going to get some, kids that aren't they're own! They don't want they're own kids, their own son, and now you don't want us either!" Tears threatened his eyes, and with a blink they cascaded down his flushed cheeks once rosy with happiness, now colored in angry, bitter, jealousy at the lucky children to take their places.
"NO! Shingam it isn't anything like that!" Across from him he heard Duo moan in agony, and Heero tried desperately to breath. He'd already told them he believed Shingam knew they were his fathers, hearing the bitterness in a boy so young fearing replacement was heart wrenching. But he should have known that Duo would never have allowed a child to feel as unwanted as he once had.
Quatre never saw Death move, but in an instant, his best friend had Shingam securely bound in his arms, holding the struggling child tightly. Surprised like the rest, Quatre could only watch as Duo exorcised the demons of his past by opening up his future.
"Shingam, stop for just a minute. Quatre said that you might already know that Heero and I are you're real parents and now I know that's true. You've known all this time, why didn't you tell us when you got here, when Killa called out to Quatre?"
The boy continued to struggle. "We didn't know you. Mother said we could trust Quatre, but we didn't know you! Quatre said he'd take care of us, he said he'd always take care of us! He said we were going to be his family! Killa's his daughter, and now he doesn't want her, doesn't want us! We were supposed to be able to trust him! Now he's betrayed us! I'm glad I didn't tell you, I'm glad! Mother said we could trust Quatre and look, she didn't say anything about you!" The implications were clear, Duo and Heero would betray them if Quatre did. Quatre simply wanted to die at the heartache he felt from Shingam. He tried to reach out, tried to go to the little boy, but in a twist he never would have expected, the tiny hand of one Killashandra broke from its stillness and touched his arm, 'Wait' it said; he didn't move.
Duo continued. "Hey, that's fair. Heero and I haven't exactly been there for you since you got here or even before. But we didn't know, we didn't know that you were our son. You want to hear a secret? Something no one else knows? I got adopted once. Yeah, back at the orphanage I was telling you about, I got adopted once. See you're supposed to get adopted and then live happily ever after with your new family. But guess what? I was with my new family for only three months before they took me back to the orphanage. They told Father Maxwell that I was too big a burden, and you know what happened? They dropped me off and took Deeken Heney with them instead. They didn't want me, they wanted someone else. Father Maxwell was so mad at them, and felt so sorry for me, that after that I didn't have to live with the other children anymore. Nope, I didn't want to be adopted after that, so he let me stay with him and Sister Helen. But I always felt like something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough, that there would always be someone else, some other kid better than me, that parents would want more than me. I swore that when I had kids of my own, I'd never let them feel that way, that I didn't want them, or worse, that I wanted some other kid besides them. I promised I'd never use phrases like, 'Why can't you be more like so-and-so.'
"And now look. You're my son, my only son, my miracle son, the son I never ever thought I'd be lucky enough to have. I thought that I'd fall in love with Heero and someday we'd have to adopt a bunch of kids because we couldn't have any of our own, and now look. Here you are. Our son. Perfect in every way, and everything I ever thought I'd want in a son of mine. You're strong and brave, your kind and loving, loyal and honest. I never ever thought I'd be so luck to have a child of my own, and yet here's my miracle boy, my son Shingam. My son, Shingam."
By now Shingam had stopped struggling and stood transfixed as Duo continued, listening, hopeful to every word Duo said.
"So you listen to me, you listen to you're Daddy. All the kids in the world, all the kids on all the colonies, or on the Earth, couldn't amount to dirt next to you. You're my son, my flesh and blood, and in all my life, in my entire life, through everything that I've been through, in every single one of my prayers, I asked for a son. All my prayers to God and all my secret whispers to Shinigami, I hoped I'd have a son one day, and now look, I got a son, and he's all I ever could have hoped for.
"And now before you get to thinking this is all one sided, I think you should know a few things about your Dad. I keep forgetting what dad is in Japanese, so we'll stick with dad until Heero pulls on my braid, ok?" Dumbly and obviously in shock, Shingam nodded. "Well, Heero's a lot like me, see? He's never had a family either, just raised by this horrible guy that treated him like a grown man before he was out of diapers. And you want to know what Heero's secret wish is, what it's always been since he was little more than your age? He's wanted a family, a real family with a.husband, and kids of his own, especially kids. Heero-your dad-thought that he got pretty damn lucky when he got me-which he did-but he thought it was too good to be true that we could raise some children together. I kid you not, soldier boy actually wanted to raise a bunch of kids just like me, imagine my surprise. Anyway, the point is, neither of us ever thought we'd have our own children, we thought the best we'd ever be able to get was someone else's children. Now don't get me wrong, we'd love any child, but to know that you're our son, our real son.Shingam, do you know how proud of you your dad and I are? How proud we are to call you our son? You've been through so much, protected Killashandra so well, we're the proudest parents on the block! We're going to take care of you now, like Quatre and Trowa did, only it'll be different because you're our son. No one's ever going to hurt you again, Shingam, ever, you don't have to be afraid, because you dad and I will defend you to the death, we'd do anything for you, anything!
"Now, to be fair you're probably going crazy trying to figure out if you can trust me, so let's settle this. We learned about your connection with Killashandra last night, so why don't you use it. Have Killashandra go into my mind so that she can tell you that I'm telling you the truth. I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie; I'll never lie to you Shingam, but you ask Killashandra, I don't mind if you need to be sure."
"And me as well."
Suddenly Heero was beside Duo, one arm about his lover's waist, the other brushing the unruly hair from Shingam's face. "You are my son, Shingam, no matter what, you are my son, and I love you. Love you more than anything in the universe, you and Duo are the family I always wanted, but never thought I deserved; I'm glad I was wrong. But you have to accept us. We'll understand if you can't call us Dad or Daddy, that might be asking too much. But if you can, give us a chance to prove to you that we love you, because we do love you, Shingam, more than anything we've ever known in our lives." Duo nodded and smiled, just as Heero leaned down and kissed the child's bang covered forehead.
There was such clear and unadulterated surprise on Shingam's face. One little boy who'd had nothing but himself and a little girl, now had two fathers and two almost fathers-uncles?
Turning to look away, Shingam locked eyes with Quatre, a desperate look there, one that Quatre couldn't read, but Killashandra could. Shingam's eyes swung away from his at some mental prompt by Killa and together they held a silent conversation as Duo and Heero held their breaths and Quatre and Trowa tried their hardest to hold onto the peace they'd found so far this morning.
Finally, Shingam nodded and turned back to Duo, a shy expression on his face, causing the boy to duck his head at Duo's intense eyes. "You-you really want me to be your son?"
Duo choked on the response so Heero answered for them both.
"More than anything in the universe."
"You want me more-more than some other kid?"
Duo found his voice then. "A hundred times more than some other kid-a thousand!"
And then it was settled. It was so easy, as Shingam smiled brightly and moved in closer to sit on Duo's kneeling lap and smiled at Heero. "Is what you said true?" He asked Duo.
"Which thing?" His best friend asked sharing a smile with Heero before tucking his son under his chin.
"That families celebrate Christmas together in the morning and then eat together?"
Duo's voice broke as he answered, "Yes-it's true."
"Good. Then I'll celebrate with you and Heero since you're my family, and Killa can celebrate with Quatre and Trowa since they're her family, and we can all celebrate together since Killa and I are family. Right?"
Heero's tone was strong with pride as he ruffled his son's hair. "Right."
'Tis the season to be with family, even new ones.