Author: Swythangel
Email: swythangel@hotmail.com
Title: Götterdammerung (Twilight of the Gods)
Type: 19th part of the Series
Teaser: With their return to Weiß, Ken and Ran find old feelings resurfacing...
Rating: PG (just to be safe)
Spoilers: None but the usual.
Warnings: Strong Language, Shonen Ai leaning towards Yaoi
Keywords: Ken, Aya/Ran, Youji, Ran/AyaxKen, YoujixKen, angst, a lil fluff
Oi-ya another part out. ^^;
This is dedicated to Lilas-chan! Because she requested it to come out this Saturday night just in time for her to relax after her SATs. So here it is hot off MS Word and unbetaed. I hope you enjoy it, Lilas-chan.
To Bridget and Tschubi-chan too because its been a long time since I heard from both and I kinda miss em ^^
To everyone who ever liked this fic and pestered me to go on. I might not always respond to e-mails but all those e-mails are what prods me to keep going and I appreciate that. ^__^
To the ff.net people…please go to yahoogroups.com/group/swythchanfics and sub to the list. Ff.net almost always screws up in my login so I don't really get to post here that much.
Götterdämmerung (Twilight of the Gods)
1.1 Part 19
[Omi]
I watch as the slender point of the glinting steel breaks human flesh. A single ruby red drop wells up from the pierced skin as the syringe is removed from the pale surface and I suck in my breath, mesmerized by the sight, unwilling to look away. Hoping, ever hoping, for visible signs of healing. I imagine Astyanax penetrating the blood stream, coursing through each cell.
/Work./
The doctor puts aside the syringe on the bedside table and waits. Youji-kun is waiting right alongside him while I stand on the other side of the bed in the middle of the laboratory, looking down unto the unconscious Ran Fujimiya.
It is his third dose in three days. Life signs have stabilized but the crucial question remains: will he regain consciousness? If he does not then Astyanax is for naught.
/Work, damn you. You cannot NOT work./
It has been three days, three endless fucking days of hell. Strain and worry have taken their toll on the three of us and it shows. But at last in the hands of the doctor lies a possible cure…a manifestation of all our hopes…Astyanax.
My hands clench into fists, nails digging into the palms of my hands, forming half-moon indents into work-hardened skin.
The pain and tears of the past months, the enduring strength, the blood and sacrifice of Ken-kun's life is all there in Astyanax.
No, Ken-kun *is* Astyanax.
/This can't NOT WORK!/
My best friend is lying in the other room hooked to various bleeping machines, half-dead because he decided to gamble with his life in exchange for thousands of others.
It. Will. Work.
"Come back to us, 'niisan. Please!"
It comes out as a half-whisper, hoarse from crying and exhaustion. And I grip her shoulders tight in my hands for comfort, trying to impart silent strength to the trembling girl who is clutching Ran-kun's left hand in a death grip.
Aya-chan.
She looks as awful as the three of us. Her eyes are almost swollen shut from constant crying, cheeks blotched from the salty runnels and there were black bags under her eyes. She has neither eaten nor slept in the past three days since we told her.
Poor Aya-chan. Awakened to find years of her life lost, coping with it and finding balance…only to rush into this kind of situation.
I can't blame her for breaking down. Ran-kun has been her lifeline, the only constant bulwark of her existence.
Maybe I shouldn't have told her. Seeing her waste away like this tears at me, adding to the pain, adding to my guilt…
Because it was I who made the decision to tell her against Youji-kun's insistence that we shouldn't.
//
"No, Omi!"
Youji-kun is vehement in this, shaken out of his stupor and silent vigil at Ken-kun's bedside at my question.
"But she deserves to know…"
"No!"
"Youji-kun!"
"No."
"Let's have it your way then. We won't tell her that her brother is in a coma, infected by Trojan. But what will we tell her? She'll notice that Ran- kun has not come home for the night. You know how she worries."
"We tell her Ran has a mission to finish."
/What?/ I couldn't believe my ears and my eyes narrow to slits as I give Youji-kun the benefit of the doubt.
"And the next night?"
"That he still hasn't finished."
"What about the next night and the night after that?" I burst out with a thick trace of anger on my voice. I could not help it. "And if Ran-kun d…" I stumbled at the thought but continued. "If Ran-kun dies or worsens I suppose we tell Aya-chan that he decided to go on extended vacation?"
I had meant to be sarcastic but the tears that prickled on the edges of my vision ruined the effect I had been going for. I took a savage wipe at them. And opened my eyes to find Youji-kun standing in front of me, a hand on my shoulder.
His eyes are a brilliant green, glittering, and for the first time since Ken-kun fell, clear. They conveyed understanding and an apology…
"We will tell her." A gentle squeeze and Youji-kun returns to Ken's side.
//
And now I ask myself, watching the frailness of Aya-chan's bowed shoulders, if Youji-kun's way would not have been better, if subjecting her to this is too much torture for one single girl to bear.
/Is it too much for you, Aya-chan?/
As if she can feel the wait of my scrutiny, she looks up, with dark eyes full of pain and something else…something that I have seen countless times in my own…determination.
Aa, in her own way she has been through so much and that has made her strong. She will survive through this.
The question would have been better put to us. If Ran-kun or Ken-kun do not survive, would Youji and *I* survive through this?
Only silence greets my question.
[Youji]
Bleep!
The room is quiet, the only sounds shattering the stillness are the quiet bleeps of the machine. If anyone asks, I could tell them just how many seconds there are between each bleep.
5.2 seconds.
5.2 fucking seconds…a long interval…5.2 seconds of silent anguish, of hope, of anxiety. The bleeps are my lifeline. I cling to it tightly like a lover yet I hate it at the same time. Like the Sword of Damocles, dangling by the hairline, ready to fall on top of my head, its bleeps affirms my existence and yet at the same time reminds me of the danger.
Bleep!
A reminder of the current situation, a reminder that Ken is lying on a bed, near death, but not yet dead. Alive yet not alive. The bleeps are a cruel reminder of that. And that's why I hate them. I almost wish it to stop.
Bleep!
Yet… for the bleeps to stop would mean that Ken's heart had stopped beating…that he was dead.
Bleep!
No, he's not dead.
I squeeze his hand to assure myself, taking comfort in the warmth it still retains and the pliable skin. Surely, dead skin would not feel as soft as this, they should feel more like rubber latex than anything else.
Bleep!
What a morbid thought.
He looks dead though as he lies against the pillows. The vitality I have come to associate with him and his vivid brown eyes lies hidden by closed eyelids. Eyes that held its soul out for the world to see, as honest as it could possibly be, heart shining out with courage, happiness, kindness, love, pain, anger, irritation, the works. I love the myriad play of emotions in those eyes. Sometimes I think I could just sit and watch it all day.
Beautiful brown eyes.
Bleep!
Eyes I might never see opened again.
"Stupid, stupid Ken." I whisper.
Despair washes through me for the nth time this day and I am angered at how easily I am rendered so vulnerable, so useless.
So vulnerable that the condition of one single boy can affect me so much when I have seen countless deaths. So useless that I am allowing the youngest of us to take over the leadership of our group when its suppose to fall to me as the oldest.
Omi deserves better from me. Everyone deserves better. But I cannot give it.
Gomen, Omi.
[Omi]
A hand twitches on the clean white sheets and three sets of breaths exhale in palpable relief. When purple eyes slowly open to look blearily at us I cannot help myself as I break into a smile.
"NIISAAAAN!" Aya-chan is the first to dive in, hugging Ran-kun fiercely, as if she does not want to let go, ever.
"Ran. Thank God." Even Youji-kun's quiet exclamation is filled with relief. Tired but relieved. He had taken the time out from his vigil on Ken-kun's bedside when the doctor had told us of the development.
There is a God after all.
"Ran-kun…" I step back to allow Aya-chan the time with her brother that she needed as I look onto a scene I thought would never come to pass and a tear rolls down my face.
I allow myself to cry. It has been four days, four long days of non-stop research and helping the doctor, four days of pretending to be the strong one, holding myself together because if I didn't there would be no one else to be the strong one.
Four days of hell.
Or heaven. Take your pick.
It is said that the road to reward is fraught with peril, I read that somewhere in one of the reading assignments I had for school but never really internalized. I believed it then, lived it actually, and now it comes full circle once again.
All our efforts have finally paid off. This batch of Astyanax finally worked.
::Congratulations, bishounen. We knew you would be able to do it.::
/Schwarz!/
::What is it with you people?:: Schuldich asks in an exasperated voice. :: 'Schwarz!':: He mimicked me. ::You all always say that in that particular tone, a very hostile tone I might add. Everytime. It gets old after awhile. You would think you'd become more creative. Tch!::
/You know Astyanax was going to work today./ I think flatly, it was a statement not a question.
::Of course. I told you mein herr Great Leader predicted it long before he succumbed.::
/You could have told us./ Anger flashes through me.
::For what bishounen? It wouldn't have helped you in the making of the drug anyway.::
/Have you ever heard of assurance, peace of mind?/
::I'll try to remember that the next time I'm trying to stick a dagger into your side Weiß kitten.:: An image of Schuldich saying 'this won't hurt' as he stabbed at Omi frittered into Omi's mind, sarcasm so evident it was almost tangible. ::In case you haven't noticed, this is only a ceasefire. We are not friends. We'll be knocking on your door in a few hours. Be good enough to get Astyanax ready. Or Nagikins will not like it and he'll knock your door down.::
I can't help the glare that comes to my eyes as the last bits of Schuldich's presence faded from his mind. The Schwarz telepath irritates the hell out of me. But a deal is a deal. They had delivered on the goods and now it is time to deliver on ours.
"Sumimasen, Dr. Kanzaki, minna." I clear my throat and interrupt the happiness around the bed with steely determination. "We will be needing a dose of Astyanax. Schwarz is coming to collect it."
"A…aa." The good doctor blinks at me in lieu of a nod.
Youji-kun shrugs. "I suppose they did help us. Besides, better to give it to them and have them off our backs."
"Schwarz?" A cracked, rusty voice interrupts us.
"Niisan, be careful!" Aya interrupts, helping Ran-kun sit up a bit without disturbing the various tubes attached to him.
"They are…alive?"
"To our great misfortune yes. They're like fucking flotsam, floating up when you least want them to." Youji-kun told Ran-kun.
"And you, you made a deal with them?" Purple eyes flared in accusation at us.
"Don't fucking start on anything Fearless Leader. We had our hands tied and *you* were struck down with that thrice damned virus. So. Don't." Youji-kun grounded out punctuating each word with a glare. "You. Even. Start."
Maybe Ran-kun could sense the air of desperation in the room or noticed how lines of worry travelled across all our features but whatever it was he did not push the issue. Instead, he looked around and finally said one word.
"Ken."
I am not surprised. In fact I am more surprised by the fact that he has only just noticed right now.
"Ken." His thoughts run through the purple eyes, panic overlaying over all of them. "Where's Ken?"
He knows.
I do not know how he knows because Youji-kun and I found out when the doctor gave us the folders and that was after Ran-kun slipped into a coma.
So how did he know?
"Where is KEN!?"
Ran-kun is transferring his gazes to everyone in the room. One by one, everyone finds something to do…Aya-chan fusses over his dextrose tubes, Dr. Kanzaki turns to measure the Astyanax dose to be given to Schwarz and I turn my eyes to my laptop…no one wants to tell him.
Only Youji-kun is left.
I expected him to mutter some excuse but he surprises me when he doesn't. Instead, he turns resolute jade green eyes to pin Ran-kun with a steady gaze. "Ken is in the other room. In the infirmary right beside this lab."
"Is he…" Ran-kun does not continue the thought but everyone knows what he is asking. Is Ken-kun all right.
But even before anyone could answer him a loud claxon sounds from next door and all of us turn to the doctor in question.
Dr. Kanzaki is not where he is, he is even now yanking savagely at the door and running to the next room. Form the top of his voice he shouts in his wake, "Omi! Youji! Wiz me! Ken iz going into zhock!"
Oh, Kami-sama! Fate can be so cruel to give us back Ran-kun and now try to take Ken-kun away from us.
[Ken]
It hurts…
I want to cry out with the agony but I am too tired. Too tired to give voice to the fierce jagged pain that rips through my body, too tired to even open my eyes, too tired, sometimes, to even breath…
/Let go./
Let go. The thought constantly fills my head. How easy it would be to stop struggling against this blackness and just let go, to float with the icy current and not try to swim against it.
Listen to me! Trojan must be getting to me for me to even think about letting go. When has Ken Hidaka given up so easily? I've always held on with tenacity to even the smallest task, occasional clumsiness and half- baked spontaniety might have hindered me but I still hung on.
And now I'm talking about letting go…
/Because you're tired…/
No. Not because I am tired, well partially maybe. But mostly because everything is finished. There is nothing that needs doing, at least by me. I've done my part, Astyanax is on the way, its all in the Doctor's hands now.
/The virus is still rampaging over the city./
Kritiker will take care of it.
/And what about the people you have left behind? Will you not spare a thought to what they will think? To what will happen when you let go?/
Am I that arrogant? To assume that I will have an effect in their lives at all?
/Baka! You indulge in foolish selfishness!/
So now it is selfish to want to rest after sacrificing one's self. Since when has my conscinece become the prating moralist?
/You know what I mean./
Alright, I do know. And just an hour ago…has it been an hour? A day? Two? A week? I cannot tell. It feels like eternity…I did not want to die at all. But now it's a whole new ball game. Here in the dark, with the agonizing pain surrounding me, and with only myself to talk to, its getting damn hard to think about other people.
How does one think about living when, at the back of my mind, there is a small voice promising light, blessed light and comfort, if I just go with the current? Surely it is much better to do so than to fight against endless darkness?
Even now I cringe at the thought of staying in this darkness. I hate it. I will lose myself in this darkness. Or go insane. I want the light…
/What about Youji and Omi? What about Ran?/
The names stab at me, sharper than any pain, yet refreshing at the same time, a momentary solace to my torment.
If I die, life would go on. Youji…Omi…They would mourn me, surely, for a dear friend lost. It may immobilize them for a time but they, like me, have gone through enough deaths to let it ruin their lives.
I purposely avoid mentioning the last and dearest name because I do not want to think about that right now. I hope that my conscience would not remember.
/And what about Ran?/
Damn. I am forced to turn my thoughts to him.
/Will you not even try to hold on to know if he is alive?/
Panic. Fear. But I cannot let them rule me. OF course he will live, Dr. Kanzaki will make sure of that. If not, all this would be in vain. He WILL live.
/You promised him that you would talk after the mission./
When I asked him his face had been as beautifully remote as a sculpture. Does that tell me anything about how he feels for me?
/If you die…/
Would he mourn me? Would he even be affected? Can I even hope that he will shed a tear in my memory if I go?
I do not know.
He has never given any indication that he even cares for me at all. Not after what I learned from Sakura all those years ago. What am I suppose to think?
Maybe he won't even think about me at all…
I smile, as much as it is considered a smile in this darkness. A bitter self-recriminating smile.
I had thought that this pain was the utmost I could take. It seems that I am once again mistaken. Because the thought that Ran would not even care if I die rips me apart further. More than the pain of this debilitating sickness.
Maybe if I had a little more strength left I would be able to accept that thought and continue on in the darkness but such as I am now, I cannot.
What is the point in living if I cannot even have that tiny hope that Ran cares for me?
I am tired.
Slowly, hesitantly I let go of my tenuous grasp on my life and reach out with trembling hands towards the promise of light, allowing the current to tug at me in the direction it wants me to go.
I am about to fully submit myself to it when, from out of the darkness, a voice reaches out to me. It sounds far away, muffled, almost imperceptible but I hear it.
It is like a shaft of light in the darkness and it gives me more joy, more hope than I can ever imagine. It strengthens me and I clutch it to myself tightly as I grasp at life once again.
I will never let go.
With all my strength and will I will hold on. Even when all that is spent I will hold on. Because from out of the darkness of my despair and pain came that which I will treasure for all time…
::I love you, you cannot die!!!::
I know not if it is hallucination, can I even hallucinate in this state? But somehow I know that it is his voice, his cry I hear. And somewhere in the waking world he is sitting by my side, holding my body to him.
Ran.
"Once again, when I least expect it, you rescue me from the darkness. I will hold on, love."
TBC Comments Onegai? ^__~ Nice and long ne? To make up for my long stay away from it ^^
I have decided on the ending. And its going to come at Part 21 I think or 22. But it'll stay there. I hope you guys can still hold on with me. I've enjoyed all your company in this fic.
I have work already so I'm not making any promises anymore. Next part comes when it comes. Hopefully by April. And I promise no more April Fool's Day joke involving Gott ^o^ If anyone remembers that particular joke on wkff that is. hehe
Email: swythangel@hotmail.com
Title: Götterdammerung (Twilight of the Gods)
Type: 19th part of the Series
Teaser: With their return to Weiß, Ken and Ran find old feelings resurfacing...
Rating: PG (just to be safe)
Spoilers: None but the usual.
Warnings: Strong Language, Shonen Ai leaning towards Yaoi
Keywords: Ken, Aya/Ran, Youji, Ran/AyaxKen, YoujixKen, angst, a lil fluff
Oi-ya another part out. ^^;
This is dedicated to Lilas-chan! Because she requested it to come out this Saturday night just in time for her to relax after her SATs. So here it is hot off MS Word and unbetaed. I hope you enjoy it, Lilas-chan.
To Bridget and Tschubi-chan too because its been a long time since I heard from both and I kinda miss em ^^
To everyone who ever liked this fic and pestered me to go on. I might not always respond to e-mails but all those e-mails are what prods me to keep going and I appreciate that. ^__^
To the ff.net people…please go to yahoogroups.com/group/swythchanfics and sub to the list. Ff.net almost always screws up in my login so I don't really get to post here that much.
Götterdämmerung (Twilight of the Gods)
1.1 Part 19
[Omi]
I watch as the slender point of the glinting steel breaks human flesh. A single ruby red drop wells up from the pierced skin as the syringe is removed from the pale surface and I suck in my breath, mesmerized by the sight, unwilling to look away. Hoping, ever hoping, for visible signs of healing. I imagine Astyanax penetrating the blood stream, coursing through each cell.
/Work./
The doctor puts aside the syringe on the bedside table and waits. Youji-kun is waiting right alongside him while I stand on the other side of the bed in the middle of the laboratory, looking down unto the unconscious Ran Fujimiya.
It is his third dose in three days. Life signs have stabilized but the crucial question remains: will he regain consciousness? If he does not then Astyanax is for naught.
/Work, damn you. You cannot NOT work./
It has been three days, three endless fucking days of hell. Strain and worry have taken their toll on the three of us and it shows. But at last in the hands of the doctor lies a possible cure…a manifestation of all our hopes…Astyanax.
My hands clench into fists, nails digging into the palms of my hands, forming half-moon indents into work-hardened skin.
The pain and tears of the past months, the enduring strength, the blood and sacrifice of Ken-kun's life is all there in Astyanax.
No, Ken-kun *is* Astyanax.
/This can't NOT WORK!/
My best friend is lying in the other room hooked to various bleeping machines, half-dead because he decided to gamble with his life in exchange for thousands of others.
It. Will. Work.
"Come back to us, 'niisan. Please!"
It comes out as a half-whisper, hoarse from crying and exhaustion. And I grip her shoulders tight in my hands for comfort, trying to impart silent strength to the trembling girl who is clutching Ran-kun's left hand in a death grip.
Aya-chan.
She looks as awful as the three of us. Her eyes are almost swollen shut from constant crying, cheeks blotched from the salty runnels and there were black bags under her eyes. She has neither eaten nor slept in the past three days since we told her.
Poor Aya-chan. Awakened to find years of her life lost, coping with it and finding balance…only to rush into this kind of situation.
I can't blame her for breaking down. Ran-kun has been her lifeline, the only constant bulwark of her existence.
Maybe I shouldn't have told her. Seeing her waste away like this tears at me, adding to the pain, adding to my guilt…
Because it was I who made the decision to tell her against Youji-kun's insistence that we shouldn't.
//
"No, Omi!"
Youji-kun is vehement in this, shaken out of his stupor and silent vigil at Ken-kun's bedside at my question.
"But she deserves to know…"
"No!"
"Youji-kun!"
"No."
"Let's have it your way then. We won't tell her that her brother is in a coma, infected by Trojan. But what will we tell her? She'll notice that Ran- kun has not come home for the night. You know how she worries."
"We tell her Ran has a mission to finish."
/What?/ I couldn't believe my ears and my eyes narrow to slits as I give Youji-kun the benefit of the doubt.
"And the next night?"
"That he still hasn't finished."
"What about the next night and the night after that?" I burst out with a thick trace of anger on my voice. I could not help it. "And if Ran-kun d…" I stumbled at the thought but continued. "If Ran-kun dies or worsens I suppose we tell Aya-chan that he decided to go on extended vacation?"
I had meant to be sarcastic but the tears that prickled on the edges of my vision ruined the effect I had been going for. I took a savage wipe at them. And opened my eyes to find Youji-kun standing in front of me, a hand on my shoulder.
His eyes are a brilliant green, glittering, and for the first time since Ken-kun fell, clear. They conveyed understanding and an apology…
"We will tell her." A gentle squeeze and Youji-kun returns to Ken's side.
//
And now I ask myself, watching the frailness of Aya-chan's bowed shoulders, if Youji-kun's way would not have been better, if subjecting her to this is too much torture for one single girl to bear.
/Is it too much for you, Aya-chan?/
As if she can feel the wait of my scrutiny, she looks up, with dark eyes full of pain and something else…something that I have seen countless times in my own…determination.
Aa, in her own way she has been through so much and that has made her strong. She will survive through this.
The question would have been better put to us. If Ran-kun or Ken-kun do not survive, would Youji and *I* survive through this?
Only silence greets my question.
[Youji]
Bleep!
The room is quiet, the only sounds shattering the stillness are the quiet bleeps of the machine. If anyone asks, I could tell them just how many seconds there are between each bleep.
5.2 seconds.
5.2 fucking seconds…a long interval…5.2 seconds of silent anguish, of hope, of anxiety. The bleeps are my lifeline. I cling to it tightly like a lover yet I hate it at the same time. Like the Sword of Damocles, dangling by the hairline, ready to fall on top of my head, its bleeps affirms my existence and yet at the same time reminds me of the danger.
Bleep!
A reminder of the current situation, a reminder that Ken is lying on a bed, near death, but not yet dead. Alive yet not alive. The bleeps are a cruel reminder of that. And that's why I hate them. I almost wish it to stop.
Bleep!
Yet… for the bleeps to stop would mean that Ken's heart had stopped beating…that he was dead.
Bleep!
No, he's not dead.
I squeeze his hand to assure myself, taking comfort in the warmth it still retains and the pliable skin. Surely, dead skin would not feel as soft as this, they should feel more like rubber latex than anything else.
Bleep!
What a morbid thought.
He looks dead though as he lies against the pillows. The vitality I have come to associate with him and his vivid brown eyes lies hidden by closed eyelids. Eyes that held its soul out for the world to see, as honest as it could possibly be, heart shining out with courage, happiness, kindness, love, pain, anger, irritation, the works. I love the myriad play of emotions in those eyes. Sometimes I think I could just sit and watch it all day.
Beautiful brown eyes.
Bleep!
Eyes I might never see opened again.
"Stupid, stupid Ken." I whisper.
Despair washes through me for the nth time this day and I am angered at how easily I am rendered so vulnerable, so useless.
So vulnerable that the condition of one single boy can affect me so much when I have seen countless deaths. So useless that I am allowing the youngest of us to take over the leadership of our group when its suppose to fall to me as the oldest.
Omi deserves better from me. Everyone deserves better. But I cannot give it.
Gomen, Omi.
[Omi]
A hand twitches on the clean white sheets and three sets of breaths exhale in palpable relief. When purple eyes slowly open to look blearily at us I cannot help myself as I break into a smile.
"NIISAAAAN!" Aya-chan is the first to dive in, hugging Ran-kun fiercely, as if she does not want to let go, ever.
"Ran. Thank God." Even Youji-kun's quiet exclamation is filled with relief. Tired but relieved. He had taken the time out from his vigil on Ken-kun's bedside when the doctor had told us of the development.
There is a God after all.
"Ran-kun…" I step back to allow Aya-chan the time with her brother that she needed as I look onto a scene I thought would never come to pass and a tear rolls down my face.
I allow myself to cry. It has been four days, four long days of non-stop research and helping the doctor, four days of pretending to be the strong one, holding myself together because if I didn't there would be no one else to be the strong one.
Four days of hell.
Or heaven. Take your pick.
It is said that the road to reward is fraught with peril, I read that somewhere in one of the reading assignments I had for school but never really internalized. I believed it then, lived it actually, and now it comes full circle once again.
All our efforts have finally paid off. This batch of Astyanax finally worked.
::Congratulations, bishounen. We knew you would be able to do it.::
/Schwarz!/
::What is it with you people?:: Schuldich asks in an exasperated voice. :: 'Schwarz!':: He mimicked me. ::You all always say that in that particular tone, a very hostile tone I might add. Everytime. It gets old after awhile. You would think you'd become more creative. Tch!::
/You know Astyanax was going to work today./ I think flatly, it was a statement not a question.
::Of course. I told you mein herr Great Leader predicted it long before he succumbed.::
/You could have told us./ Anger flashes through me.
::For what bishounen? It wouldn't have helped you in the making of the drug anyway.::
/Have you ever heard of assurance, peace of mind?/
::I'll try to remember that the next time I'm trying to stick a dagger into your side Weiß kitten.:: An image of Schuldich saying 'this won't hurt' as he stabbed at Omi frittered into Omi's mind, sarcasm so evident it was almost tangible. ::In case you haven't noticed, this is only a ceasefire. We are not friends. We'll be knocking on your door in a few hours. Be good enough to get Astyanax ready. Or Nagikins will not like it and he'll knock your door down.::
I can't help the glare that comes to my eyes as the last bits of Schuldich's presence faded from his mind. The Schwarz telepath irritates the hell out of me. But a deal is a deal. They had delivered on the goods and now it is time to deliver on ours.
"Sumimasen, Dr. Kanzaki, minna." I clear my throat and interrupt the happiness around the bed with steely determination. "We will be needing a dose of Astyanax. Schwarz is coming to collect it."
"A…aa." The good doctor blinks at me in lieu of a nod.
Youji-kun shrugs. "I suppose they did help us. Besides, better to give it to them and have them off our backs."
"Schwarz?" A cracked, rusty voice interrupts us.
"Niisan, be careful!" Aya interrupts, helping Ran-kun sit up a bit without disturbing the various tubes attached to him.
"They are…alive?"
"To our great misfortune yes. They're like fucking flotsam, floating up when you least want them to." Youji-kun told Ran-kun.
"And you, you made a deal with them?" Purple eyes flared in accusation at us.
"Don't fucking start on anything Fearless Leader. We had our hands tied and *you* were struck down with that thrice damned virus. So. Don't." Youji-kun grounded out punctuating each word with a glare. "You. Even. Start."
Maybe Ran-kun could sense the air of desperation in the room or noticed how lines of worry travelled across all our features but whatever it was he did not push the issue. Instead, he looked around and finally said one word.
"Ken."
I am not surprised. In fact I am more surprised by the fact that he has only just noticed right now.
"Ken." His thoughts run through the purple eyes, panic overlaying over all of them. "Where's Ken?"
He knows.
I do not know how he knows because Youji-kun and I found out when the doctor gave us the folders and that was after Ran-kun slipped into a coma.
So how did he know?
"Where is KEN!?"
Ran-kun is transferring his gazes to everyone in the room. One by one, everyone finds something to do…Aya-chan fusses over his dextrose tubes, Dr. Kanzaki turns to measure the Astyanax dose to be given to Schwarz and I turn my eyes to my laptop…no one wants to tell him.
Only Youji-kun is left.
I expected him to mutter some excuse but he surprises me when he doesn't. Instead, he turns resolute jade green eyes to pin Ran-kun with a steady gaze. "Ken is in the other room. In the infirmary right beside this lab."
"Is he…" Ran-kun does not continue the thought but everyone knows what he is asking. Is Ken-kun all right.
But even before anyone could answer him a loud claxon sounds from next door and all of us turn to the doctor in question.
Dr. Kanzaki is not where he is, he is even now yanking savagely at the door and running to the next room. Form the top of his voice he shouts in his wake, "Omi! Youji! Wiz me! Ken iz going into zhock!"
Oh, Kami-sama! Fate can be so cruel to give us back Ran-kun and now try to take Ken-kun away from us.
[Ken]
It hurts…
I want to cry out with the agony but I am too tired. Too tired to give voice to the fierce jagged pain that rips through my body, too tired to even open my eyes, too tired, sometimes, to even breath…
/Let go./
Let go. The thought constantly fills my head. How easy it would be to stop struggling against this blackness and just let go, to float with the icy current and not try to swim against it.
Listen to me! Trojan must be getting to me for me to even think about letting go. When has Ken Hidaka given up so easily? I've always held on with tenacity to even the smallest task, occasional clumsiness and half- baked spontaniety might have hindered me but I still hung on.
And now I'm talking about letting go…
/Because you're tired…/
No. Not because I am tired, well partially maybe. But mostly because everything is finished. There is nothing that needs doing, at least by me. I've done my part, Astyanax is on the way, its all in the Doctor's hands now.
/The virus is still rampaging over the city./
Kritiker will take care of it.
/And what about the people you have left behind? Will you not spare a thought to what they will think? To what will happen when you let go?/
Am I that arrogant? To assume that I will have an effect in their lives at all?
/Baka! You indulge in foolish selfishness!/
So now it is selfish to want to rest after sacrificing one's self. Since when has my conscinece become the prating moralist?
/You know what I mean./
Alright, I do know. And just an hour ago…has it been an hour? A day? Two? A week? I cannot tell. It feels like eternity…I did not want to die at all. But now it's a whole new ball game. Here in the dark, with the agonizing pain surrounding me, and with only myself to talk to, its getting damn hard to think about other people.
How does one think about living when, at the back of my mind, there is a small voice promising light, blessed light and comfort, if I just go with the current? Surely it is much better to do so than to fight against endless darkness?
Even now I cringe at the thought of staying in this darkness. I hate it. I will lose myself in this darkness. Or go insane. I want the light…
/What about Youji and Omi? What about Ran?/
The names stab at me, sharper than any pain, yet refreshing at the same time, a momentary solace to my torment.
If I die, life would go on. Youji…Omi…They would mourn me, surely, for a dear friend lost. It may immobilize them for a time but they, like me, have gone through enough deaths to let it ruin their lives.
I purposely avoid mentioning the last and dearest name because I do not want to think about that right now. I hope that my conscience would not remember.
/And what about Ran?/
Damn. I am forced to turn my thoughts to him.
/Will you not even try to hold on to know if he is alive?/
Panic. Fear. But I cannot let them rule me. OF course he will live, Dr. Kanzaki will make sure of that. If not, all this would be in vain. He WILL live.
/You promised him that you would talk after the mission./
When I asked him his face had been as beautifully remote as a sculpture. Does that tell me anything about how he feels for me?
/If you die…/
Would he mourn me? Would he even be affected? Can I even hope that he will shed a tear in my memory if I go?
I do not know.
He has never given any indication that he even cares for me at all. Not after what I learned from Sakura all those years ago. What am I suppose to think?
Maybe he won't even think about me at all…
I smile, as much as it is considered a smile in this darkness. A bitter self-recriminating smile.
I had thought that this pain was the utmost I could take. It seems that I am once again mistaken. Because the thought that Ran would not even care if I die rips me apart further. More than the pain of this debilitating sickness.
Maybe if I had a little more strength left I would be able to accept that thought and continue on in the darkness but such as I am now, I cannot.
What is the point in living if I cannot even have that tiny hope that Ran cares for me?
I am tired.
Slowly, hesitantly I let go of my tenuous grasp on my life and reach out with trembling hands towards the promise of light, allowing the current to tug at me in the direction it wants me to go.
I am about to fully submit myself to it when, from out of the darkness, a voice reaches out to me. It sounds far away, muffled, almost imperceptible but I hear it.
It is like a shaft of light in the darkness and it gives me more joy, more hope than I can ever imagine. It strengthens me and I clutch it to myself tightly as I grasp at life once again.
I will never let go.
With all my strength and will I will hold on. Even when all that is spent I will hold on. Because from out of the darkness of my despair and pain came that which I will treasure for all time…
::I love you, you cannot die!!!::
I know not if it is hallucination, can I even hallucinate in this state? But somehow I know that it is his voice, his cry I hear. And somewhere in the waking world he is sitting by my side, holding my body to him.
Ran.
"Once again, when I least expect it, you rescue me from the darkness. I will hold on, love."
TBC Comments Onegai? ^__~ Nice and long ne? To make up for my long stay away from it ^^
I have decided on the ending. And its going to come at Part 21 I think or 22. But it'll stay there. I hope you guys can still hold on with me. I've enjoyed all your company in this fic.
I have work already so I'm not making any promises anymore. Next part comes when it comes. Hopefully by April. And I promise no more April Fool's Day joke involving Gott ^o^ If anyone remembers that particular joke on wkff that is. hehe