Miss You Love
By: rainjewel
Disclaimer: Anyone else think I own Slayers or silverchair? No? Good.
Author's Note: Yeah. I'm longwinded. This really isn't your average songfic. It's one of those, 'read it, then listen to the song and you'll get what I mean' fics. I just love the song.
Timeline: Post TRY
Pairings: Xelloss x Zelgadis, Filia + Xelloss
Rated: PG-13
Warnings: Dark, yaoi, and OOC, unfortunately.
::Denotes Song Lyrics::
—Denotes conversations between Zelas/Xelloss—
Denotes emphasis
Denotes spells/flashbacks/thoughts/shit that goes on in Xelloss' head
+ + +
# Two Years Later #
::I'm not, not sure
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love::
Xelloss floated through the dark forest, taking his time as he waited for nightfall. Instead of remaining on Wolf Pack Island he'd decided to roam the forests surrounding the town of Brynlaas. He bent over and picked up a shiny black beetle. It bit him first, then squirted blue, smelly ink over his gloves, causing Xelloss to smile. He squished the insect in a fist, but frowned as its exoskeleton resisted the pressure of his hand. It was stronger than he'd expected.
His eyes opened and he turned the bug to dust.
Xelloss sighed and floated up into a nearby tree, fingering his staff. The glittering blue stain on his gloves, the color of eyes best forgotten, drew his gaze and he decided to let the ink remain. He leaned back against the rough tree trunk, closed his eyes, and sighed again as the tree's bark poked him in various places. Everything was strong, everything resisted him.
Zelgadis…
Zelgadis had been strong, and not just due to his stone skin. His mind and his will were the strongest Xelloss had ever come up against. In the beginning, he had set out to make Zelgadis one more conquest—a beautiful creature that bled so much angst Xelloss almost swooned whenever he went near him. To think of what Zelgadis could do if he were ever truly broken…it had made him giddy at the thought.
And Xelloss had tried. He showed up at every inopportune moment. He'd arrive, unannounced and unclothed, in the small section of the lake where Zelgadis bathed after the others. Zelgadis would yell, blush, and then promptly leave the lake. It was fun, but Xelloss preferred to be a nightmare, teasing the chimera late at night, whispering to him of his monstrosity.
At every inn, he'd crouch there, pinning Zelgadis to the bed with the weight of his body, hands wrapped around the shaman's wrists. Blue eyes would burn his own, his usual cheery façade long abandoned.
"You're a monster," He'd whisper in the chimera's ears. "A twisted being that cannot ever be accepted. Children and adults alike tremble at your face. You'll never be loved, monster. No one can love something that repulses them. Even your princess sighs with relief every time your mask and hood go up."
Yeah, he'd been a right bastard.
Zelgadis had sat there, silently boring holes in his skull with sapphire hatred. To his credit, he never flinched, not once.
"Xelloss," he'd finally said, voice perfectly disdainful as always and full of anger, "If you are going to sit here and tell me things I all ready know, your life must be horridly dull. You're not going to feed of any of my sorrow tonight."
"Oh really?" Xelloss had said, teeth munching on one blue, pointy ear. "I suppose your anger alone would do, but there are ways of making you despair."
"If you're planning on using rape to break me, you've got another thing coming," Zelgadis had said, in a level voice that had made Xelloss pause.
"Oh?"
"Be logical, Mazoku. I dislike my body too much to really care what you do to it," Zelgadis had said.
Damn.
But Xelloss had had one last card to play.
"Zelgadis, you do know this is the only body you are ever going to possess." He had looked down on that blue gaze with a feral grin and trump card. "There isn't a cure for you, Zel. I have it on good authority."
Much to his surprise, Zelgadis had laughed in his face. His smirk had disappeared in an instant, faced with that throaty, tantalizing chuckling.
"Fool. I know that," Zelgadis had spat. "I knew that before you ever came into the picture."
"Oh really?" Xelloss had asked.
Zelgadis had smiled toothily, gaze triumphant. "It's just a front, you realize. Ever since Rezo's death I knew I would always be a chimera. Everyone with the exception of Gourry and Amelia know I don't take anything seriously in regards to a cure. It's just a handy habit to keep around."
And so it had begun. In that instant Xelloss had realized how much he didn't know Zelgadis Greywords. He was not the depressed, bland man he had labeled him as. There was always a sorrow that exuded from Zelgadis, but Xelloss hadn't understood it.
Three months later, Lina caught them…"somewhat occupied"…in the bushes. He didn't understand that either.
Zelgadis had become an obsession after Xelloss was dumbfounded by the enigma that was the chimera. However, this time his motivation and tactics weren't sadistically driven. He sought to know Zelgadis. In turn, the shaman responded beautifully. As Xelloss became more direct in his advances, more personal with his banter, Zelgadis became angrier, more emotional. When Xelloss stole a kiss, Zelgadis didn't storm away—he answered with a bite.
It started out as nothing more than a horrid power struggle coupled with physical desire. It was a way for Xelloss to gain understanding with this mysterious creature and a much needed outlet for the reserved Zelgadis. The conversations were poisonous, their moves calculated, and every touch a mix of pleasure and pain.
Somewhere along the line, they just couldn't keep their hearts out of it. Unhealthy as it was, they grew close, until the sex and violence was nothing more than a cover-up for their true emotions. They routinely covered each other's backs in battle, then denied everything. Once Zelgadis was seriously wounded in a fight—Xelloss carried him from the battlefield and healed him on "orders from his Mistress." Xelloss would be gone for days, making for a pale, irritable chimera. As they began to care for each other, Zelgadis lost his cool, growing insecure as Xelloss realized that he, a Mazoku, had actually grown to love something.
Lina, of course, pointed it out. Stumbling about in the bushes so long ago, she'd come across a rather messy scene—naked, bruised and bleeding bodies that would have sickened mere mortals…not Lina Inverse.
"YOU TWO ARE PATHETIC!" she had screamed, fiery hair on end. "I HAVE HAD IT! I am SICK of all the arguments, all the excuses, and ESPECIALLY you bleeding all over the place Zel—Amelia's almost hysterical and you KNOW who she'll come crying to. Now please STOP playing games, admit you're HEAD OVER HEELS for each other, and try to have a normal relationship.
"But Lina…you beat up Gourry on a regular basis," Xelloss had pointed out cheerily, sitting beside a bright red chimera.
Lina had left after a round of Fireballs.
Xelloss, high atop his tree, chuckled at the memories. A few days later, after a brief retreat to Wolf Pack Island to sort out his sanity, Xelloss returned to a neurotic Zelgadis. Before the gaping jaws of Gourry and Amelia (and the satisfied smirk of Lina) they had shared a kiss that didn't start or end with a bite or punch.
Xelloss' laughter faded through the forest. He supposed he had a few more hours before carrying out Zelas' demand…and there was nothing to do. All his friends were gone now. Gourry had sworn to kill him on sight after Zelgadis…Zel…and Amelia had attacked him with the grandfather of all Justice Speeches, the most horrid display of affection imaginable, and enough white magic to kill old Shabby himself. It wasn't strong enough, however, to keep him from smacking her over the head with his staff and transporting her back to Saillune. Lina, Zelgadis' best friend…Lina had disappeared.
"Xelloss! What are you doing in that tree!"
Xelloss closed his eyes tightly at the sound of that feminine, squeaky voice, and screwed in his usual smirk. This wasn't going to be pretty.
"Getting in touch with my inner sapling," he replied, phasing to the ground. He appeared before a pale woman dressed in a pink dress and white cloak, long blonde hair shining and blue eyes open and innocent as ever.
"Hello, Filia," he said politely. "What brings you here? Don't tell me you've come to kill me too. If so, I'm busy today…could we reschedule my demise for tomorrow?"
"I wanted to find you," Filia said, refined eyebrows flying upwards. Her face then grew…concerned? "I certainly don't want to kill you!"
Xelloss was amazed—she apparently didn't know. He figured that information had flown round the planet three times over. He felt an ulcer coming on…it was not going to be a good evening.
"Why did you want to find me?" he asked, rotating his staff lazily in one hand.
Her eyes grew wide, tearful. "I heard Zel…Zelgadis-san had…passed away. I came to give you my condolences…I wanted to see how you were doing."
Xelloss' amazement grew. His eyes popped open in shock, and his mouth set in a straight line. Filia fidgeted in front of him. She was being nice? Did she know how Zelgadis…how…
"It's been two years, Filia," he mumbled.
"Nothing to a Mazoku or Ryuzoku," Filia said. She looked away. "Still, I wish I had found you sooner."
Filia's insults always managed to crawl under his skin, but her sudden concern for him was even more annoying. One of the constants in his life was that she was good, he was evil, and they hated each other with a passion. Xelloss resumed his cheery disposition.
"Well, I try to stay away from people who I can't stand and vice versa," he said, sticking his nose in the air.
"Don't be rude, Xelloss," she said, flicking his nose with a finger. "I came to help you…I thought you would be…"
"Grieving?" Xelloss asked. He laughed, and it hurt. "But Filia, I am Mazoku."
"You loved him, Xelloss. I know you did," Filia said, eyes piercing. She looked into his face, which Xelloss made sure remained full of blissful neutrality
"Filia, don't you try and shove your lovey-dovey stuff on me. You are nothing but a filthy dragon who still doesn't understand the world," he said acidly. He checked the watch he didn't have. "Well I must be going…duty calls. Wish I could say it was nice to see you again."
"Namagomi," Filia whispered, eyes wet. "Sometimes I wished it was you who had died."
"Sorry to disappoint," Xelloss replied, stung, "But I was never one for suicide."
Filia's eyes grew wide as the meaning of his words hit with full force. Xelloss grinned cheekily and phased out.
+ + +
::Make room for the prey
Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but::
Xelloss paused outside a grotesque, vermilion-colored door. It led to the home of Mr. and Mrs. Adagol, a poor couple with a penchant for killing many of Brynlaas' nobles. A sadistic Robin Hooding that appealed to Xelloss, but the couple's little hobby was responsible for too many deaths of aristocrats that were easily bought by Zelas and her comrades. Or so that was the story. Most likely, it was a test for Xelloss. There wasn't anything serious going on in the land of Chaos, but he felt as if something was building—and it looked like everyone was wondering if he could still make the cut. Xelloss wasn't worried in the slightest—he knew he'd lost his edge.
—Zelas-sama, why are we doing this again?—
—I told you, I need Brynlaas' nobles for minions—
—Uh-huh. What's the real reason, Mistress?—
—Sore was himitsu desu—
Of course.
Xelloss sighed. Still, a job could be fun. Seduction was a gas. He rapped quickly on the door, then leaned against the doorframe. He hoped the wife answered the door. Women were so emotional.
"Xelloss!"
The Mazoku cursed. He turned around to find Filia, white robes shining against the slums of Brynlaas. Her blue eyes sparkled with tears. She rushed up to him, clutching his robes with gloved fists.
"Tell me you weren't serious!" she said, eyes searching his face once more. Silly dragon—Mazoku never let on. "You didn't kill Zelgadis!"
Behind him, the door swung open, Mrs. Adagol freezing in her step.
Xelloss growled, a low, terrifying sound. His plans spoiled and a weepy dragon at his side, he almost lost it right there.
"In the name of L-sama, Filia, you are more annoying than all the hells!" he spat.
Xelloss tore himself away from Filia's grip. He spun, robe flowing through the air. Thrusting an arm in Mrs. Adagol's direction he let loose and angry burst of energy that sent her flying until she hit the wall. The color of the blood-slicked paint her body left as it slid to the ground matched the door.
Filia screamed. A sound of thundering footsteps made Xelloss turn. Mr. Adagol, a purple-faced, burly man in his 40s, was barreling down the steps. In his hands was a large sword. Xelloss opened his eyes and raised his staff.
"Xelloss, no!" Filia ran forward. She crashed into him, wrapping her arms around his waist in an attempt to push him away from attacking. Mazoku strength met that of a dragon.
Xelloss didn't budge. His free arm pinned Filia where she stood, keeping her from interfering. Hopefully she wouldn't remember that stupid mace.
Adagol threw the sword. Xelloss countered it with another blast of energy. Amazingly enough the blade sliced through the attack, untouched as Adagol crumpled in its wake. Xelloss felt his eyes widen—a magic blade.
Without another thought, he turned around and pushed Filia to the ground, out of harm's way. He felt a hot flash of pain rip through his back and chest as the sword lodged in his body. He coughed once, then dropped down to his knees. Running his hands down his chest he felt the tip of the blade protruding from his ribs.
"Xelloss!" Filia picked herself up off the ground. She knelt beside him. "Oh L-sama! Xelloss, you namagomi! Why didn't you just phase out! Hold on…stupid Mazoku!"
Xelloss chuckled. The sword ground against his bones marvelously. Reaching behind him, he bragged the handle of the blade and drew it out of his body. The pain was welcome.
He tossed the sword aside. "Filia…you're still nothing more than a silly Ryuzoku. You almost ruined my plans and got yourself killed. Now do us both a favor and go back to whatever shrine you came from."
Filia stared at his bloodless chest. "Got…myself killed?"
Xelloss stood up, dusting off his cloak.
"You realize that if I would have phased out that sword would have killed you. Although magic swords pierce dragon hide, it would require an astral blade, and a pretty heady one, for a Mazoku. You're lucky that man was an idiot," he said.
"So that's only a magic sword?" Filia asked She stood up, dusting her pink skirt.
"Apparently so, or I'd be dead, you as well," he said.
Filia's hands balled into fists. "Apparently? What! Don't tell me you didn't know when that blade hit you!"
Xelloss' eyes narrowed and he felt his face flush.
"Sore…sore wa himitsu desu."
Flustered, he turned to leave. Forget this messy job and meddlesome, annoying dragons.
—Xelloss—
He paused, mid-step.
—Mistress?—
—Xelloss, don't forget the children—
—What?—
—Upstairs—
—But why, Zelas-sama?—
—Sore wa himitsu desu. Upstairs, Xelloss—
—Yes, Zelas-sama—
Xelloss grimaced. Without another word to that damn Ryuzoku, he phased to the upstairs bedrooms. There, sleeping in the same bed, were two brown-haired boys. Their eyes were closed, but their full, little mouths were wide-open, snoring away.
For the first time in years, Xelloss felt guilt clinging to him like smoke. He reached out with both hands, resting one on each boy's chest, he whispered words he'd only used once before.
"No pain."
Tremors shook the little bodies as they lay asleep. When Xelloss pulled his hands away, all that was left to give him away were the twin streaks of blood trickling from the corners of the boys' mouths.
The guilt grew stronger, thicker. Xelloss reeled a moment, then phased out. He hovered a moment on the Astral Plane, chiding himself. He was a top-notch Mazoku, for crying out loud!
He reappeared beside the boys' bed. Across from him, stroking one of the boys' hair, was Filia.
"Xelloss…Xelloss why?" she asked, tears pouring down her face. his cheerful smirk that used to be so much a part of his personality dissipated without a fight.
"Sore wa…" he paused. "…I don't know, Filia. I am not always told the motivations behind my mistress' wishes."
Filia was looking upon him with so much pity it hurt to feel it. no anger anymore, no disgust, no hate…Filia felt pity for him, pity and something else.
She stood up and walked around to the other side of the bed. Xelloss watched her warily. She crossed her arms against her stomach.
"Did you know when she made you kill Zelgadis-san?" Filia whispered.
Xelloss said nothing. Zelas had told him a lie, that he knew. It was the only time she had done so. If she kept things secret, she told him it was a secret and he went along. That time, she had told him a bald-faced lie and expected him not to catch it.
Filia reached forward, cupping his cheek with her hand. Stunned, Xelloss remained motionless. No on had touched him since Zel…
"I'm sorry Xelloss, I really am," she whispered. Her cheeks were stained pink and his stomach began to churn from her barrage of emotions. "I feel for you Xelloss…you are a creature without a will. You are always working for others."
Xelloss winced. How wrong and yet how right she was.
Her fingers were hot on his cheek. He surprised himself as he placed his hand over them. He stared at her a moment, watching her blush beneath her drying tears. Impulsively, terribly, he leaned down, catching her waist with his other arm, staff in hand. He watched as her eyes closed, felt how she didn't resist him, then his own eyes slid shut, and he kissed her gently on the lips.
Filia's gripped his cloak with trembling fingers, leaning against him. He wondered if anyone had ever kissed her before. It didn't feel like it. Zelgadis had never been kissed either.
He pulled away at the thought. Filia looked at him with wide, frightened eyes.
Xelloss just smiled and phased out of her arms.
For the second time that day, guilt poisoned his skin.
+ + +
::I'm not, not sure
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
Like the one that just passed
In the crowds of all the people::
White daisies still grew here. Xelloss marveled at it. It would seem right that they would wither and die. But unlike him, they rose again after Zelgadis…
Xelloss stretched out on the spot where Zelgadis had sat two years ago. He spread his legs and arms wide, feeling the grass crinkle beneath him. Bored, with nothing to do and loathing the chambers of his mistress, Xelloss decided to indulge in a little sleep.
It wasn't slumber he craved—Mazoku don't sleep. It was the dreams. Memories, really, for memories are as close to dreams as Mazoku can get. Those who don't feel the need for sleep cannot have the benefit of actual dreams
Still, Xelloss closed his eyes and let the moments come.
Another band of bandits, another empty stomach. Zelgadis and Xelloss sat, watching through the hazy smoke of the inn as Lina, Gourry, and Amelia scarfed 12 platters of fried chicken. Apiece…and it was only the first course.
Zelgadis gently ran a finger around the rim of his coffee cup. He arched an eyebrow at his comrades.
"They're disgusting, aren't they?" he said in a chastising tone, but Xelloss caught the amused gleam in his lover's eyes.
"Oh yes. Quite horrifying," Xelloss replied, looking at Zelgadis over his own 8 platters of ribs. Of course, they hadn't been there moments ago."
Zelgadis rolled his eyes. "Fruitcake. I'm going to bed."
Lina chucked a chicken leg at Zelgadis' head as he climbed the stairs. It stuck in the wire strands. Zelgadis turned around with an annoyed scowl.
"Yo Zel! You can't be leaving just yet!" she called out between bites. "You haven't even eaten! You're going to waste away until you're only a pebble!"
Zelgadis threw the chicken leg back to the sorceress. She caught it with a dazzling smile.
"Lina, I promise I'll eat a large breakfast," he said, grinning. "Now goodnight."
Amelia looked crushed. Xelloss smiled.
He heard the click of Zelgadis' door and then the sound of the lock sliding into place. He counted back from 961 in his head, then took his leave.
"Night Lina! I'm off to murder thousands of innocent citizens, drink their blood, and then string necklaces of their bones and teeth!" he called out cheerily.
"Xelloss-san!" Amelia was pale as a ghost.
Lina shot him a look, then patted the princess' hand. "What he really means is that he's about to go and screw Zel so raw he probably won't be able to walk tomorrow."
Amelia passed out. Xelloss' usual smirk turned into a face-splitting grin.
"Lina, you're an angel," he said. He kissed her on the cheek, earning a glare from Gourry and a Fireball from the sorceress. Still, she flashed him a victory sign as he left.
Zelgadis grinned as he phased into the room, still smoking. He slipped his arms around Xelloss as he chuckled.
"Ah, burnt fruitcake, my favorite," he whispered, kissing Xelloss' neck.
"You're dressed," Xelloss observed. Damn.
Zelgadis shrugged. "I don't think we'll be staying the night here."
"Oh?"
"Look out the window," Zelgadis said. Xelloss did.
Five arrows immediately slammed into his chest. Xelloss smiled at the pain and then withdrew from the window. Zelgadis stood at the door, sword unsheathed.
"I take it we didn't get all the bandits," Xelloss said dryly. He ripped the arrows out of his chest. He looked at the tips, then sent Zelgadis a look. "Zel, these have been tampered with."
Zelgadis held up a sleeve of his tunic. A neat hole was ripped in the cuff and a tiny scab was apparent on his blue skin.
"Noticed that when it went through my wrist." Zelgadis said.
Xelloss floated over to him with a less-than-amused expression.
"You should be more careful," he admonished.
Zelgadis met his eyes with a mischievous smile. "Says he who just received 5 arrows to the chest. I thought a Mazoku would have been much quicker than that."
"I would have sensed it if they were threatening. I don't have time to avoid meaningless attacks." Xelloss said. "If I dodged everything that came my way, I wouldn't be able to get away from the big stuff."
"Hm. Well I better go warn Lina," Zelgadis said.
Xelloss caught his wrist as he reached for the doorknob. "I mean it, Zelgadis. They're smart if they knew to curse the blades. Be careful."
Zelgadis tilted his head up and kissed him.
"I'm always careful. Though with you here," Zelgadis said, mumbling the words against Xelloss' lips, "I usually don't worry too much."
Xelloss kissed him, not being able to tell him that he should worry.
Xelloss woke to the feel of a cool hand on his arm. His eyes snapped open with a malicious glare. Blonde hair met his gaze. He groaned.
Filia shrank from his eyes.
"Xelloss…are you all right?"
Why was she here? Didn't she understand? How the hell did she keep finding him?
He turned his back on her, rolling away from her wide, concerned eyes.
"Stay out of this, little dragon," he hissed. Just stay away.
+ + +
::Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love::
Once upon a time, he had been cold, calculating, and close to omnipotent in this damn world. He was soft-spoken, catty, and could play both sides of any fight. He always had a witty remark, and never let the world go unobserved.
"FIRE BALL!"
Xelloss slammed into a tree, then slid to the ground. He felt the trademark dizzying heat that was part and parcel to Fire spells. The pain made him spin.
Where had those days gone?
"Lina-san! Stop!" Filia screamed
Damn dragon. She wasn't supposed to like him. He was supposed to annoy her, fluster her to the point of tears. His presence used to put her on the edge, not make her concerned and almost affectionate.
Xelloss rose to his feet. He felt no need to hide his eyes or mask his thoughts with a grin. Lina had always known him for what he was and although she had gotten far too comfortable with him than she ever should have, he'd appreciated it. She had simply taken in the information that he was a Mazoku, remained his friend, and never forgot just what he was. Lina always accepted a person as a whole being, never mind their shortcomings.
Now, the fiery sorceress who charmed even God herself was staring him down. No Amelia with her feel good charms, no Gourry with that nasty Sword of Light, or even Sylphiel with her ridiculous penchant for White Magic—just Lina Inverse.
And that was definitely all it would take if he let it.
"Get back on the dirt where you belong, Xelloss," Lina screamed. "ELMEKIA LANCE!"
Astral pain, the only kind that ever registered as it was meant to, rippled through him in waves. He fought off the impending unconsciousness that the blast delivered, clutching his staff desperately to remain upright, agony crippling him. That one hurt.
Filia screamed, of course. Ah, the joys of having both a stalker ex-priestess dragon and blazing mad, slightly insane, extremely powerful sorceress. Gee L-sama, you shouldn't have. Of course, Lina would have resurfaced sooner or later. There was a time when probably, if it hadn't been for him, Zelgadis and the ruby-eyed girl would have become more than best of friends.
He raised a hand towards Filia. "Sleeping."
The annoying screams stopped as the Ryuzoku crumpled to the ground.
"Source of all souls which dwell in eternal and infinite. Everlasting flame of blue, let the power hidden in my soul be called forth from the Infinite…"
Xelloss looked at Lina in disbelief. Despite the glowing of the Demon's Blood talismans that he himself had given her, the fact that he knew she was capable of casting any spell she fancied, he was shocked. Zelgadis and Amelia were the only ones that ever cast this spell—Lina didn't use Spirit Shamanism, only Fire. Xelloss closed his eyes…for a moment he could almost hear Zelgadis' voice.
"RA-TILT!"
Xelloss felt it coming. He neither phased out to safety nor braced himself. Instead he felt the pain twist through his Astral being. He screamed, dropping to his knees. A sickening taste rose in his throat, and he choked as a black blood flew threw his teeth and lips, staining the ground.
His eyes widened. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd been hurt enough to bleed. Losing part of his visage here on the actual planet was due to a blow to his Astral self and therefore easy to fix. Blood meant the attack was still there, its damage multiplying as it ripped through his spirit like cancer.
"Xelloss, you bastard," Lina hissed as he looked to her from his kneeling position. "You won't even FIGHT me. So help me, Mazoku, I'll kill you in cold blood. I didn't spend all that time perfecting Shamanism to have you give up."
Her face was full of fury, but her spark was gone. Xelloss seemed to have killed that too when he…
"Lina-san," he whispered, tongue working oddly through the thick blood that coated it, "Is that why you waited?"
"I waited long enough to think clearly," she spat. "And I've never been more rational. I should have never let you into the group. I should have killed you on the spot. I let Zelgadis love you, I let myself care about you despite your nature, and ever the fool, look where it has gotten us."
"We were all fools," Xelloss said. He stood shakily. "We both knew."
Lina glared, and her hands clasped. "Then call me a fool twice over for never stopping you. I said I should have killed you on the spot. I may be late, but I never leave a job unfinished."
The talismans glowed. Xelloss saw her lips begin to move.
"Lord of the Darkness and Four Worlds, I beseech thy fragments; by all of the power thou possesseth, grant the heavens' wrath to my hand…"
He could run. He didn't have to die here. And yet he knew that he wasn't about to take a step. He just simply stared at her body, bent with the power of L-sama herself, the fiery hair, ruby eyes hidden behind closed eyelids…she was beautiful, powerful, and could have the world at her fingertips.
"...Unleash the sword of dark, freezing nothingness…"
Xelloss closed his eyes, wondering how much a Ragna Blade hurt. Wondered if it would kill him. He thought of how he wished there was a way to escape the resurrected Phibrizzo and his Hells—Zelgadis was certainly nowhere to be found there.
"…By our power, our combined might…"
—Xelloss! You must fight back!—
Oh if only you know how much I hate you Mistress.
—Xelloss, stop her or I will! I'll kill her, Xelloss—
Bitch.
His eyes opened into amethyst slits, feline and full of hatred. He phased out, suddenly stronger, undoubtedly aided by his Mistress. He was her general, her priest, and although she was easily the best of the bunch to serve, he loathed her more than his own, horrid life.
"…Let us walk as one along the path of destruction…"
Gloved hands covered Lina's wrists from behind like twin vises. The energy crackled and almost spun out of control as her incantation paused, yet he pushed it back down with the power granted to him.
"RAGN—"
A well-placed knee to Lina's back knocked the wind from her lungs, cutting off the spell. He used his will power and energy to control the magic, letting the energy fizzle and dissipate in their combined hands.
The moment it was gone, he dropped Lina's wrists and picked up his staff in one fluid motion. As he did so, he felt the buffer of protection Zelas had provided fall, leaving him woozy and shaky on his feet. He wiped away the blood that spilled down his chin. His Mistress was pissed, and he wasn't going to be fixed.
Lina whirled on him. Tears spilled from her eyes, shocking him immensely. She brought a hand to her mouth, stifling her sobs, then dropped to the ground as she cried. Lina Inverse, the Enemy of All Living Things, never cried, never despaired…and never dropped out of a fight.
Xelloss crouched before her. "I can't die right now, Lina-san, and I couldn't see you die either."
"Fuck you Xelloss," Lina replied, wiping her face. "Just fuck you, you bastard."
Xelloss sat down in front of her, controlling his pain-induced shaking through mere will power. He reached out to move a piece of flame-red hair that had stuck to her wet cheek. She slapped his hand so hard the pain didn't feel good. All the despair, all the pain, and all the anger did nothing to feed him. He was too weak to even help himself.
"How could you do that to him!" Lina suddenly shrieked, looking to him. "He loved you, you asshole. How could you do such a thing, Mazoku or not?
Xelloss hid behind his old argument and truth. "I'm Mazoku."
"Don't play around with me Xelloss. It never works. I know some of your secrets. You loved him. You don't get sick off of all those happy emotions and pretty things. You have the benefit of the flip-side of good—evil. Love goes hand in hand with hate," Lina spat. She wrapped her arms around her knees, staring at him. "You're not the emotional black hole you pretend to be. I want to know how you could go against your heart in the end."
Xelloss wasn't surprised, just hurt that she said the truth out loud. Information used to be his weapon.
"I don't know, Lina-san. I don't know," he whispered. He wiped more blood off his chin. "It would be like you picking between Gourry and the world. You choose existence or love."
"That wasn't your choice," she said, gripping his cloak and leaning forward. Ruby eyes glinted with malice. "You protect nothing but Chaos. It's hard to truly threaten that. What really was your choice, Xelloss? Or did you even need one?"
"He was going to die, by my hands or not," Xelloss said, voice pinched with emotion. The sorrow weakened him. "I had to choose for him—a fate worse than death or a death at my hands."
"Fate is not a set thing, Xelloss!" Lina cried, close enough to kiss now. Tears began to course down her cheeks again. "We could have fought it! We've done it before!"
Xelloss shook his head, disillusioned and weary. "You've always been too powerful, too gifted to understand. There are some things, some things that just cannot be changed. He would have grown to challenge L-sama, among other things. You can fight God, Lina, that much is true…but you cannot win."
"I am the daughter of L-Sama!" Lina screamed. She searched his eyes desperately, unbelieving. He looked down on her with sadness. "My will is hers!"
His gaze sharpened in irritation. "Her will is none other than her own. Never forget that."
Lina stilled, but he could see the sobs she barely held back.
"But you loved him," she whispered. Xelloss touched her chin.
"In the end Lina," He said, voice low, "I am still Mazoku, love or not."
He held her, stroking her beautiful hair as she sobbed into his neck. Time and his pain were nothing to him now. All that mattered was healing Lina's soul. He'd never cared before…but he'd also never hurt her like this before.
+ + +
::I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back
It's just a fad
Part of the…teen…teenage angst brigade and::
"Please Xelloss, please wake up!"
The pain was unlike anything he'd ever felt before. Pinned between this world and the Astral Plane, all he could do was lie there, letting the torture roll down and through his body, catching up his moans. He had never been weaker in his life. He had never been in so much pain—true pain for him, that is.
"Xelloss, please, don't die on me!"
"Okay," he murmured to the voice. L-sama, where did Lina get all that power. Oh yeah, that's right—L-sama. Along with his very own talismans. Stupid, stupid he was.
He couldn't see anything. It was kind of making him a little uncomfortable, that black velvet that dripped with bitter pain.
"Keep talking Xelloss. Please wake up!"
"I can't see," he whispered, protesting. He clutched his chest immediately following his words. More blood gushed from his mouth.
"Xelloss! Open your eyes!" trilled the voice.
Logic sang through his body. His eyes rolled open at the command and he was too weak to control them. He watched as various trees passed beside him, marveling as to how it was happening when he couldn't levitate, before realizing that he was being carried. Piggy-backing, actually, on one golden dragon.
"Filia?" he mumbled.
"We're almost there Xelloss. Thank Ceiphed you Mazoku aren't that heavy," she said. "Or at least that Ryuzoku are very strong."
Xelloss lost all ability to feel his true spirit, slamming into his worldly personage with a jarring pain. He cried out, a light moan, and rested his head on Filia's shoulder. He squeezed his eyes tight against his headache.
The next thing he was aware of was being laid down on his back, crashing into soft sheets and pillows. The absurdity of it almost made him laugh. Oh, but he was now such a broken thing.
Shaky hands were trying to undo the clasp of his cloak.
"Here," he said, and immediately the garment disappeared. So, shockingly enough, did his staff. It was amazing—he could send things Astral side, but not himself. Somewhere, Zelas-sama was punishing him.
Filia gasped. He opened his eyes carefully. The room was blissfully dark and gloomy. His eyes hurt. He smiled slightly at her.
"My clothes are merely a part of this projection," he whispered. Filia nodded, then raised a damp cloth to clean his face.
"Xelloss, I'm so sorry I can't help you," she said softly. "My magic would only kill you."
Xelloss' pain was magnified by the kindness he couldn't understand.
"Why?" he asked, closing his eyes. "Why do you care so much? You should be throwing me insults, reveling in the fact that I've been brought to my knees. L-sama, you're supposed to hate namagomi like me!"
Filia ran the back of her hand down his cheek. "When I realized that you were in love with Zelgadis-san was when my convictions about the world began to crack. How could you, the Mazoku who had destroyed so many of my kind before, suddenly be in love with a pained boy who apparently needed you so much?"
Xelloss' face contorted in pain. "Filia…"
"Xelloss, Mazoku aren't supposed to love, and dragons aren't supposed to hate. You and I do both—we're one in the same," Filia whispered, sponging his face. "How can I not care? I've met worse people than you, namagomi. It just took me so long to realize it."
"You've changed," he whispered, amethyst eyes flashing as he peered at her.
"Everyone has, Xelloss. Most of us have grown very differently. We're no longer the same people we were at the end of Darkstar's destruction," she replied.
Xelloss wanted to say something—she was staring at him in the most peculiar way and he couldn't figure out her emotions. Suddenly a wave of pain crashed into him, causing him to moan. He clutched the bed sheets, twisting them with his hands.
So this is how humans deal with injury. Zelas-sama, you always pick the most perfect of punishments.
Filia's eyes grew wide. She brushed his hair away from his eyes, causing Xelloss to blink, shocking him out from under his pain. She smiled, blushing.
"No one has ever touched me since Zel…" he whispered, and he didn't know why.
A tear ran down Filia's cheek. She cupped his face. "I'm sorry Xelloss."
He reached out and cradled the back of her neck in one hand. The pain was immense, but it was slowly dissipating. Filia looked nervous, but didn't resist.
"Silly, silly little dragon," he said softly.
"Xelloss, this isn't—"
Proper? No, it's not. I don't love you. I just remember holding him. I want to hold him again.
"Please Filia," he whispered, so low even her dragon ears almost didn't catch it. It was the first and last thing he'd ever ask her in this lifetime.
Gently Filia acquiesced to him. She rearranged herself on the bed, lying down beside him. She sighed as his arms went around her, Xelloss clutching her against his chest. It was painful, but the simple physical demonstration of control, along with the bittersweet memories it brought was the most healing thing he could think of at the time.
He felt Filia begin to drop off to sleep. "Xelloss," she mumbled into his throat. "Xelloss, I can't seem to stop myself from loving you."
He didn't answer, just counted her breaths until she was asleep, thinking of another time when this skin was made of stone. Silly, silly little dragon.
+ + +
:: I'm not, not sure
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
Like the one that just passed
In the crowds of all the people ::
Xelloss hovered high in the sky, absently breathing the cold air he didn't need. It froze his body, making each breath hurt like sandpaper. It was as if he had just run an extremely hard race in the middle of an arctic wasteland. He craved the sharpness it gave to his thoughts.
It had been a month since that last battle with Lina. Two weeks he spent with Filia, quiet and healing, letting her kisses fall on his brow. He resisted kissing her himself—no need to hurt her anymore. He made a conscious effort to not let himself lead her in a dance she would fall from.
He'd gotten the orders a day ago.
Xelloss stared down at the blurry city below him, blessed with white magic and peace, a result of a never-ending quest for justice.
Orders to destroy Saillune.
Amelia's face flashed in his mind's eye. As much damage as her justice-loving, romantic heart could cause, there was no denying the fact that he considered her a friend. Her hate towards him in the beginning was enough to satiate his soul for eons—and then she had accepted him and cared for him like any other. All she lacked was the wariness, the experienced mind of a sorceress such as Lina to keep her from becoming vulnerable.
Also, she had always been enamored with Zelgadis, and the shaman had been secretly delighted to fulfill the role of an older brother for the princess…even if it upset him that he couldn't love her quite the same way as she. A competitor in Xelloss' mind, but Zelgadis had never been swayed by her large blue eyes and innocence.
Xelloss relaxed his smirking features. If he could kill his lover, he should easily be able to kill a princess who dealt with white magic. Just point the staff in Saillune's direction, and the mission would be accomplished.
Zelgadis would want her alive. He would protect her from Xelloss if he were still alive himself. Xelloss felt his eyes harden with pain. Zel…Zel I wish you were here.
He pictured the silvery lavender locks, the sapphire eyes, tapered ears, mouth set in a small line to mask any trace of vulnerability…all the little bits of Zelgadis that burned him when he saw the chimera in his memories. He closed his eyes, smelling the earthy scent of Zelgadis once again, almost feeling the strong stone arms wrapped around his body as he hovered in the cool air.
Ensconced within the phantom embrace of his love, Xelloss felt the most peaceful clarity. A sudden answer arrived, and all the pain he felt disappeared. His inner calm, the self-assurance that he used to exude resurfaced. It was like slipping into an old, much loved coat. Xelloss realized what he needed to do—what he'd been blind from seeing, realizing how overdue the solution was.
"Zel," he whispered, eyes open, staring contentedly at the city below, "I will love you forever."
He phased out of the clouds, arriving outside the gate of the Saillune palace. A startled guard looked at his sudden arrival in awe and fear. Xelloss smiled cheerily at him, eyes closed.
"Good day," he said. "Odd weather we're having. Hasn't rained priests in ages."
The guard's jaw dropped. Xelloss giggled, and he phased out and into the actual building. L-sama, he hadn't felt this free in years. Floating beside a suit of armor in a dark corner, he held his staff horizontal before him, and whispered a summoning spell.
A dark, deep gray dagger appeared before him. It was a short, sharp blade that he had never used, only confiscated due to the danger it presented to him. Whispering another set of words, his staff dissolved in his fingertips. He'd never been without it, but in truth he never needed it, despite the amount of power it possessed. He was just paranoid of someone stealing it from him—other Mazoku that is. He'd be dead in minutes if they ever got a hold of it.
Xelloss calmly grabbed a hold of the dagger. The cool steel stung his hand, burning like the sun. He derived no pleasure from it—this was a weapon designed specifically for the destruction of his kind. With a Ra-Tilt and this blade…it could all end. It disabled him from being able to phase, so he floated quickly down the halls checking through the rooms.
Amelia wil Tesla Saillune was going to have her day. Justice would prevail. Xelloss felt giddy. He wondered if it was normal to feel so happy about his own death. He supposed it came from the fact that the Saillune princess would have quite a dilemma on her hands—death, which she hated, Xelloss, whom she also hated, and justice, which she loved. She was going to kill him, creating hypocrisy yet pleasing everyone.
—Xelloss—
Xelloss shook off a chill as he ignored his mistress. He found Amelia quickly in her room. She was staring out through the window. He came up behind her quickly, silently. She was older, quieter, and as sickeningly good as ever.
"Amelia," he said softly. She spun around quickly, startled. He placed a hand over her mouth to smother her shrill scream, smiling as suavely as always.
"Xelloss-san!" she said softly as he drew his hand back.
—Xelloss—
Haven't you figured it out, Zelas?
"I've come to fulfill your wish, Amelia," he said. He ran his fingers through the hair that framed her face. Her blue eyes grew wide. "I've come to be killed."
Amelia stared. "Xelloss-san…"
A sharp pain begin to spread through his body.
"Oh, it seems I'm too late," he said, feeling the summoning working on his being as he fought it. "Goodbye Amelia. You'll always be too good."
With a painful yank, he was thrown through the Astral Plane and back to the world as he crashed before the throne of the Beastmaster. Smoke curled around his head as he straightened up before his mistress, placing the dagger beneath his cloak. She was in her human form, pale tresses and mind-boggling body on full display beneath a sheer, skintight red dress.
"Xelloss," she said with a feral snarl, taking the cigarette from her ruby lips, "I have had it with you. I've put up with a major lack of service for a while and I'm sick and tired of it. What the fuck is going on!"
Xelloss smiled devilishly.
"Why did I have to kill Zelgadis?" he asked, voice soft and dangerous. No "Mistress." No "Zelas-sama." Hell no.
Zelas put out her cigarette in exasperation. "Please don't tell me you're still pining over some mortal."
"Sore wa himitsu desu," he said, lifting an eyebrow.
"You little bastard," Zelas spat. She lit another cigarette and took another puff. "You want to know why? Fine. Because in the end, Xelloss, in the end he would have either killed you, or you would have gone soft. You could not have remained on the same side forever."
"Then why not wait?" Xelloss whispered.
"Because either way, it's better for me to have a dead chimera. You are good at what you do. The more time spent with him the worse you got," Zelas said. She smiled, toothy grin terrifying to most. "Happy?"
"Yes. A brilliant plan," he said with mock obedience. He bowed before her, then straightened. His eyes opened fully, amethyst hells within. "However, Zelas, you should have thought it through a bit more thoroughly."
Zelas glared at him. "What?"
Xelloss grinned maniacally, then brought the gray dagger out. With a quick flick of his wrist, he sliced deeply into his stomach. Agony rippled through him as his Astral frame began to tear. It made him fall on one knee. Blood spilled out all over, black and thick. Gasping, he sliced one wrist, biting back a scream. It was unlike anything he had ever felt before. The dim light of Zelas' chambers flickered as his power spilled along with his blood.
He collapsed on his side, barely propped up by the arm that held the dagger.
Panting, he looked to Zelas. Her face was white, her eyes wide and empathetic.
"What, concerned?" He growled. This time he wasn't surprised when black liquid dripped from his lips. "Don't mock me."
Zelas' voice was quiet, unbelieving and hurt. "You were always such a wonderful servant."
"Too good," he whispered. Shivers began to wrack his body.
Zelas' eyes became those of a wolf, yellow with black, slit pupils. Her stance became aggressive, angered. Any other time it would have terrified him. Now it was just a welcome sight of the woman who had, in truth, been a better master than most.
"I will just resurrect you, Xelloss," Zelas whispered. "This will have been for nothing."
Xelloss glared, poison in his eyes, then just laughed out loud. "As if you could reverse the power of this blade. This is L-sama's very own dagger, and its sole purpose is for killing Mazoku. You are powerless. Besides," he paused, smirking through pain. "It wouldn't be me, Zelas. It would never be me."
Zelas held his gaze with cold eyes as he slit his own throat.
+ + +
::Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love::
"Xelloss, Xelloss, Xelloss…what am I going to do with you?"
The pain and darkness subsided as Xelloss came to. Now he wasn't stupid—he knew he was dead. There was no way to survive that blade. Still…being dead he was kind of surprised by conversation. Usually the dead are pretty quiet.
"Come on, little Mazoku. Open those damned pretty eyes of yours."
That voice…unrecognizable, but Xelloss sure as hell knew he was talking to someone of importance. Confused, his eyes slid open lazily. Around him was nothing but a beige atmosphere, dull and easy to look at. He sat up, bewildered by his sudden lack of suffering.
No blood on his clothes. Why the heck was he in this visage? He knew he wasn't planet-side.
"Xelloss."
He twisted around to see who was behind him. There stood a tall woman, as shapely and even more gorgeous than Zelas. Her hair was golden, waves of it cascading to the floor. Her eye color matched the flowing locks, yet her skin was a dark tan. She was wearing a striking white dress, loose and resembling that of a toga more than anything else.
"And who are you?" he asked, rising to his feet. His eyes never left the striking woman, though he wondered why. It's not as if she could harm him if he was truly dead.
"You're taller than I thought," she remarked, staring into his eyes without emotion. She grinned, and Xelloss knew she was dangerous. "Well, little Mazoku, I all ready know your name, so here's mine. I am the Dark Golden Lord…also known as the Lord of Nightmares."
Xelloss stared. For the first time, he didn't know what to do.
"You can call me L-sama, for short," she said. Xelloss blinked as he processed the information.
"Okie dokie," he said. Xelloss quickly regained control of himself. He dipped down, bowing low, then rising above L-sama. He shook his head as he looked around. She was staring at him expectantly. He made a note to choose his words carefully. "Where are we, L-sama?"
"Well as you know, I control this world along with many others, and on many different planes," L-sama said. She sat on golden chair that popped out of no where. Xelloss nodded. "This is the Dead Zone. Everyone paces through here on their way to Heaven or to your good friend Phibrizzo's Hells. Usually I don't have to pay too much attention as to who goes where. However, annoying little individuals such as yourself get all mixed up and then make me see to it personally that you go to the correct place. Mazoku…usually do not die, Xelloss. They are destroyed, sold, punished—none ever wish to die. You however, are a special case."
Xelloss smirked. "I'll never be looked upon as someone in the mainstream."
L-sama's look was amused, yet cold at the same time. "I have granted you a death, Xelloss, because you are the biggest nut I've ever met. That was the easy part. Now I have to put you someplace."
Xelloss' eyes widened. Mazoku are the race of Evil. Not exactly material for the joyful bliss of the Heaven reserved for mortals. He was shocked there was even a choice. However, the shock didn't last long, and he began to play the game.
"Well L-sama, let me see if I can be of some service to you. Is there anything I can do to make your existence easier? Knowing that you are all-powerful and all, it's hard to think of something I could give you that would be of worth, but I would love to try for a god as beautiful and marvelous as yourself," he said, voice lilting and eyes sultry.
"Flattery will get you everywhere with anyone else, Xelloss, but not with me," L-sama said. "I lack nothing. Don't be redundant. Besides, you're dead."
Xelloss eyes burned. "I can't make a case for good behavior, and you know it. But I can say that if you send me to Little Phibby's Sandbox, you are defeating the purpose of your gift to me. Death with Phibrizzo is simply another form of slavery."
"So why grant the wishes of someone who is evil? Besides, why would you want to get into Heaven? I thought Mazoku didn't like all that joy when I created you," L-sama grinned.
"I had my fill of joylessness when Zelgadis was taken away from me," Xelloss said flatly.
L-sama pointed. "Your hands sent him to me."
"Sent him, because I had been told he would rise up against you," Xelloss argued. L-sama's eyes flickered. She reached out and caressed a handful of his silky, violet hair.
"You did it for him," L-sama said. "I know that. You loved him so much, didn't you? Rather the tragic figure."
Xelloss pulled out from her touch. "Well, I didn't choose my path without assistance."
"No one ever does," L-sama whispered. Her golden eyes glittered. "You blame me for this, don't you?"
"Usually complaints about the system go to the higher-ups. One of those drawbacks of power—the responsibility," Xelloss replied bitingly. "Sucks, doesn't it?"
"You're a cheeky thing, aren't you?" L-sama murmured, but she didn't seem upset. She smiled, seductively.
Xelloss took a step back. "Look, I can't and will not give you speech. You know all."
L-sama nodded. She came close, chest brushing his and face near. Xelloss wasn't intimidated—what could she do to a dead person? He kept his eyes opened.
"Tell me, Xelloss," she asked, golden eyes piercing, "Where do you think you belong?"
"Wherever Zel would want me. I owe him at least that much," Xelloss said.
L-sama eyebrows shot up. "Well I'm amazed…an unselfish Mazoku."
Xelloss couldn't manage a grin. "I…surprised God."
"You're never anything but a surprise."
That voice. Xelloss' eyes widened, and his heart began to pump. L-sama smiled from ear to ear, and her figure began to fade rapidly, in a manner much like that of which he used to do. He suddenly realized that this visage, this body, was his only form left.
"I've always rather liked you, Xelloss Metallium. You and your chimera never fail to entertain," she said, body gone. Xelloss dared not turn around. "I grant to you a Heaven."
There were warm, strong arms around him. Xelloss' breathing hitched.
"My, my. Where have all those manners and double-edged remarks gone?" whispered the voice. Xelloss closed his eyes gently. He may have always been the self-titled "Trickster Priest," but he knew L-sama would love to fool him. Though, he supposed, the bigger joke had been his life.
It sounded exactly like him…it felt so much like him.
Xelloss turned around slowly, eyes opening. He looked down into a sea of sapphire that had been gone for too long, yet never forgotten. They glittered against the stone that was their setting, yet could not take away from the small smile of the face.
Zelgadis looked euphoric, yet reserved. His self-control shone through as always.
Xelloss took in his blue skin. "Zel—Zelgadis."
"Welcome home, Fruitcake," Zelgadis said. He hugged Xelloss close, body fitting perfectly against his as it always had. "I've missed you."
Xelloss buried his head in that familiar steely hair. He could hold him forever.
+ + +
::I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back::
Filia stared at the corner in her bedroom. She had discovered it cleaning this morning. Val had been painting the walls yet again, and amidst the soap and bubbles it had appeared.
The wood still had that slight twist to it, but was nonetheless a gorgeous, deep mahogany. There was a slight worn spot where He had usually clutched it, which surprised her. A being with no body still left an impression
How large an impression…tears sprang in her eyes.
What gave it away was the circular jewel that crowned it. It used to glow with the same fire that could be found in Lina-san's eyes. Now it was dark, the red flame extinguished.
Filia's felt the tears begin coursing down her cheeks.
Xelloss, she knew, was dead. The absence of that glow in his staff was enough to tell her that. The staff itself let her know he had caused his own demise. There was no other way he would have been able to control where it went.
What was worse, Filia knew why.
Gently, she reached out took the staff in one hand, half expecting it to burn her. On the contrary, it was as cool as a corpse.
Filia slid down to the ground, back to the wall. Lying the staff across her lap, she cried for all things lost. And for some things gained.
"I hope he was worth it," she whispered, closing her eyes. "I truly do."
+ + +