Gail and the Order of the Feenix
THE STORY THUS FAR...(as told in the award winning epic Gail, Lordess of the Ring, also found on fanfiction.net)
Gail had it all. Though nearing middle age, she had many things to keep her happy. She had her books and action figures. Sometimes she would pretend Legolas was real and kiss him. But most of all she liked to play The Sims with Lord of the Rings skins.
All in all, it was a happy life. Until one time, she got sucked into a portal and had to help the real life Legolas and Gimli cast Sauron's neo ring of power into the firey chasm from whence it came.
After succeeding, Gail was sucked into another portal, this time hoping it would be the portal that brought her...home.
* * *
A beautiful castle loomed overhead. Gail was surprised, because it was not her house. Three children stood in front of her of about fifteen years of age.
"Hello," said one of them(who had glasses and an England accent). My name is Harry. Harry Potter."
"Wow, you're famous!"
Harry rolled his eyes. "I know, I know, 'the boy who lived.'"
"No, I read all your books!" Harry looked baffled and a little bit frightened.
"Oh, well, I guess that's ok," said Harry. The red haired boy next to him frowned.
"Harry this, Harry that," he moaned.
"Don't mind those boys!" said the exasperated girl.
"You must be Ron and Hermione!"
"Yup. Let's head to the Gryffindor common room and see if we can't sort this out."
* * *
Harry and Ron walked ahead of Gail and Hermione.
"Mr. Harry, do you s'pose they'll ever tell stories about Harry Potter? Do you s'pose the kids will be like 'Da', I wanna hear about Mr. Harry and the Sorcerer's Stone."
Harry looked amused. "But I want to hear more about Ron the brave!"
"That's no reason to make fun, now." Ron looked dejected. Of course, both of them completely missed the irony that there were stories about them!
* * *
Hermione and Gail sat across from Harry and Ron in the Gryffindor common room.
"My name is Gail."
"Are you a muggle?" asked Ron.
Gail suddenly blushed. She wanted oh so bad to fit in with her favorite characters. "Uh...cough...no, heh heh, I just lost my wand."
And those kids, bless them in their innocence, believed her. Gail had never been allowed to tell the patients at the medical clinic she worked at that they weren't going to die.
Hermione looked up suddenly. "Wait a minute, I remember reading something in Hogwarts: A History. It said that a woman would appear at Hogwarts in a time of great need. You must be that woman!"
"But I'm a 38 year old medical assistant."
"That's ok. Even if you aren't the woman of prophecy you can still join my Order of the Feenix anyway," Hermione said cheerfully. Ron and Hermione rolled their eyes.
"Well that sounds like more fun that Weight Watchers," said Gail.
"It's the follow-up to my unsuccesful House Elf Liberation Front." Hermione handed Gail a pin that said "Order of the Feenix." She noticed Ron and Harry had them on their sweater, peeking out from beneath their robes.
"Well this does sound like an adventure. I don't have my, ahem, wand, but I do have this!" Gail pulled a pistol out of her purse.
"Is it loaded?" Hermione asked anxiously.
"Well, no, but we can use it to threaten people." To prove it wasn't loaded, she pulled the trigger.
BLAM!
Jimmy McBilly, a first year, and thankfully the only other person in the common room collapsed in a bloody heap.
Suddenly, Hagrid rushed into the common room.
"Wha' wa' theh' soun' 'arry?" he asked.
"It was an accident!" said Ron, making that wacky face he does when he's worried. Hagrid followed Ron's line of sight and saw the corpse.
Sweat visibly broke out on Hagrid's forehead.
"Now don't you worry! Yer buddy 'agrid'll take care o' this!" He put the boy in one of the pockets inside his shaggy coat, and ran out of the common room.
"Well thank goodness for Hagrid!" Harry and the rest of the gang let out a long sigh of relief.
"Alright! Let's go liberate some house elves!" Gail and the gang got up and headed for the door. Hermione stayed behind for a second to do a quick Bloodus Cleanupus spell.
"Well at least we know it's loaded now."
* * *
Hagrid packed the last of the dirt onto Jimmy McBilly's grave behind his hut. "'e 'ad promise, 'e did!" He unsuccessfully tried not to blubber. Professor McGonagall heard his weeping and came over.
"What's the matter, Hagrid?"
"Oh, nothin' a' all, Ms. McGonagall!" The professor seemed distracted. She wore a worried look on her face.
"Hagrid, a student of mine didn't show up to transfigurations today. Have you seen Jimmy McBilly?"
Hagrid started to panic. He looked around for a way out. "Uh...Dumbledore 'ad 'im shipped off to Romania."
"Oh."
* * *
Hermione led Ron, Harry, and Gail into the kitchens beneath Hogwarts.
"So this is where the house elves work?" Gail whispered.
"Yup, we're supposed to meet my contact down here."
"This is crazy mad, Hermione. Huh, who's that?" Ron pointed towards a tall shape appearing from the shadows.
"I'm ready to rescue my kin." Out of the shadows stepped a beautiful blonde elf.
"Legolas!" Gail almost screamed. They hugged and looked each other in the eye. "What are you doing here?"
"Hermione sent me a letter saying my cousins, the house elves, were being held captive here."
"Did Hermione tell you they like to serve the castle?" demanded Ron.
Legolas brooded.
"Hey, I got an idea, they won't have to serve the castle if there's no castle to serve!" Gail had a plan!
"I'm listening!" Hermione said excitedly.
"Has anybody seen Harry?" asked Ron, looking around.
* * *
Harry stared Draco square in the eye. They were hiding in a broom closet.
"What do you want, Draco?"
"I'm tired of this pretending to hate each other!" Draco almost started to cry. Harry's features softened.
"But Draco, that's the way it has to be." Harry reached into his cloak pocket and pulled out the nipple clamps.
Draco smiled.
* * *
Gail, Hermione, Ron, and Legolas ran pell mell out of the front door of Hogwarts. They had barely made it to the lake when the castle blew up.
"That was a great idea of overheating the boiler, Gail!"
Gail beamed... until...
BOOM!
Where the castle stood there was another explosion. This time bigger. Then another explosion. If it kept up...
Gail screamed, "We're going to die!"
Legolas took her hand and Hermione's. He looked each of them in the eye.
"Do not worry, I will take care of you." Suddenly, giant white feathery wings sprouted out of Legolas's back. As he flapped his wings his feet left the ground.
Angel-Legolas carried Gail and Hermione away, with Ron hanging from his feet.
"I don't understand why we blew up the castle, all the house elves died anyway!" Ron cried.
Gail and Hermione couldn't hear him over the beating of Legolas's wings. The flew for what seemed like days. Suddenly, Legolas's grip of Gail's hand weakened. She let go and plummeted to the earth.
Legolas attempted a dive, but it was too late. Suddenly, seconds before she hit the ground, a portal opened up beneath her, and she passed through. Where would it send her this time? Only Jesus knows.
LOOK FORWARD TO THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF GAIL!
THE STORY THUS FAR...(as told in the award winning epic Gail, Lordess of the Ring, also found on fanfiction.net)
Gail had it all. Though nearing middle age, she had many things to keep her happy. She had her books and action figures. Sometimes she would pretend Legolas was real and kiss him. But most of all she liked to play The Sims with Lord of the Rings skins.
All in all, it was a happy life. Until one time, she got sucked into a portal and had to help the real life Legolas and Gimli cast Sauron's neo ring of power into the firey chasm from whence it came.
After succeeding, Gail was sucked into another portal, this time hoping it would be the portal that brought her...home.
* * *
A beautiful castle loomed overhead. Gail was surprised, because it was not her house. Three children stood in front of her of about fifteen years of age.
"Hello," said one of them(who had glasses and an England accent). My name is Harry. Harry Potter."
"Wow, you're famous!"
Harry rolled his eyes. "I know, I know, 'the boy who lived.'"
"No, I read all your books!" Harry looked baffled and a little bit frightened.
"Oh, well, I guess that's ok," said Harry. The red haired boy next to him frowned.
"Harry this, Harry that," he moaned.
"Don't mind those boys!" said the exasperated girl.
"You must be Ron and Hermione!"
"Yup. Let's head to the Gryffindor common room and see if we can't sort this out."
* * *
Harry and Ron walked ahead of Gail and Hermione.
"Mr. Harry, do you s'pose they'll ever tell stories about Harry Potter? Do you s'pose the kids will be like 'Da', I wanna hear about Mr. Harry and the Sorcerer's Stone."
Harry looked amused. "But I want to hear more about Ron the brave!"
"That's no reason to make fun, now." Ron looked dejected. Of course, both of them completely missed the irony that there were stories about them!
* * *
Hermione and Gail sat across from Harry and Ron in the Gryffindor common room.
"My name is Gail."
"Are you a muggle?" asked Ron.
Gail suddenly blushed. She wanted oh so bad to fit in with her favorite characters. "Uh...cough...no, heh heh, I just lost my wand."
And those kids, bless them in their innocence, believed her. Gail had never been allowed to tell the patients at the medical clinic she worked at that they weren't going to die.
Hermione looked up suddenly. "Wait a minute, I remember reading something in Hogwarts: A History. It said that a woman would appear at Hogwarts in a time of great need. You must be that woman!"
"But I'm a 38 year old medical assistant."
"That's ok. Even if you aren't the woman of prophecy you can still join my Order of the Feenix anyway," Hermione said cheerfully. Ron and Hermione rolled their eyes.
"Well that sounds like more fun that Weight Watchers," said Gail.
"It's the follow-up to my unsuccesful House Elf Liberation Front." Hermione handed Gail a pin that said "Order of the Feenix." She noticed Ron and Harry had them on their sweater, peeking out from beneath their robes.
"Well this does sound like an adventure. I don't have my, ahem, wand, but I do have this!" Gail pulled a pistol out of her purse.
"Is it loaded?" Hermione asked anxiously.
"Well, no, but we can use it to threaten people." To prove it wasn't loaded, she pulled the trigger.
BLAM!
Jimmy McBilly, a first year, and thankfully the only other person in the common room collapsed in a bloody heap.
Suddenly, Hagrid rushed into the common room.
"Wha' wa' theh' soun' 'arry?" he asked.
"It was an accident!" said Ron, making that wacky face he does when he's worried. Hagrid followed Ron's line of sight and saw the corpse.
Sweat visibly broke out on Hagrid's forehead.
"Now don't you worry! Yer buddy 'agrid'll take care o' this!" He put the boy in one of the pockets inside his shaggy coat, and ran out of the common room.
"Well thank goodness for Hagrid!" Harry and the rest of the gang let out a long sigh of relief.
"Alright! Let's go liberate some house elves!" Gail and the gang got up and headed for the door. Hermione stayed behind for a second to do a quick Bloodus Cleanupus spell.
"Well at least we know it's loaded now."
* * *
Hagrid packed the last of the dirt onto Jimmy McBilly's grave behind his hut. "'e 'ad promise, 'e did!" He unsuccessfully tried not to blubber. Professor McGonagall heard his weeping and came over.
"What's the matter, Hagrid?"
"Oh, nothin' a' all, Ms. McGonagall!" The professor seemed distracted. She wore a worried look on her face.
"Hagrid, a student of mine didn't show up to transfigurations today. Have you seen Jimmy McBilly?"
Hagrid started to panic. He looked around for a way out. "Uh...Dumbledore 'ad 'im shipped off to Romania."
"Oh."
* * *
Hermione led Ron, Harry, and Gail into the kitchens beneath Hogwarts.
"So this is where the house elves work?" Gail whispered.
"Yup, we're supposed to meet my contact down here."
"This is crazy mad, Hermione. Huh, who's that?" Ron pointed towards a tall shape appearing from the shadows.
"I'm ready to rescue my kin." Out of the shadows stepped a beautiful blonde elf.
"Legolas!" Gail almost screamed. They hugged and looked each other in the eye. "What are you doing here?"
"Hermione sent me a letter saying my cousins, the house elves, were being held captive here."
"Did Hermione tell you they like to serve the castle?" demanded Ron.
Legolas brooded.
"Hey, I got an idea, they won't have to serve the castle if there's no castle to serve!" Gail had a plan!
"I'm listening!" Hermione said excitedly.
"Has anybody seen Harry?" asked Ron, looking around.
* * *
Harry stared Draco square in the eye. They were hiding in a broom closet.
"What do you want, Draco?"
"I'm tired of this pretending to hate each other!" Draco almost started to cry. Harry's features softened.
"But Draco, that's the way it has to be." Harry reached into his cloak pocket and pulled out the nipple clamps.
Draco smiled.
* * *
Gail, Hermione, Ron, and Legolas ran pell mell out of the front door of Hogwarts. They had barely made it to the lake when the castle blew up.
"That was a great idea of overheating the boiler, Gail!"
Gail beamed... until...
BOOM!
Where the castle stood there was another explosion. This time bigger. Then another explosion. If it kept up...
Gail screamed, "We're going to die!"
Legolas took her hand and Hermione's. He looked each of them in the eye.
"Do not worry, I will take care of you." Suddenly, giant white feathery wings sprouted out of Legolas's back. As he flapped his wings his feet left the ground.
Angel-Legolas carried Gail and Hermione away, with Ron hanging from his feet.
"I don't understand why we blew up the castle, all the house elves died anyway!" Ron cried.
Gail and Hermione couldn't hear him over the beating of Legolas's wings. The flew for what seemed like days. Suddenly, Legolas's grip of Gail's hand weakened. She let go and plummeted to the earth.
Legolas attempted a dive, but it was too late. Suddenly, seconds before she hit the ground, a portal opened up beneath her, and she passed through. Where would it send her this time? Only Jesus knows.
LOOK FORWARD TO THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF GAIL!