Author's Note: Whee... This is really old; I wrote it before Animazement 2002, if that gives you any idea. I had just watched Gravitation the whole way through before I wrote this fic, and for some reason, I feel like posting this on ff.net. ^^; Keep in mind that I hadn't quite grasped the whole depth of Yuki/Shuichi, or the situation with Yuki's sensei. (Um... I have the korean subtitled Gravitation, so the subtitles have horrible grammar and I basically had to translate it myself...) ...Please R/R. I enjoyed writing this – it barely brushes on Yuki or Shuichi, but more on their "relationship". *sniff* And just for the record, I am a diehard Ryuichi fan so this was an ... interesting ... turn for me. =^x^= --Autumn Raine--
Nothing's so loud, it's hearing when we lie
The truth is not kind, and you say neither am I.
And the air outside's so soft, it's saying everything
Everything...
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, feel it say...
Nothing's so cold, it's closing hard when all we need
Is to free the soul
If we would be that brave, I knowAnd the air outside's soft, confessing everything
Everything...
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, feel it say...
And it won't matter now, whatever happens will be
For the air speaks of all we'll never be
You won't trouble me.
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, feel it say...
It feels so cold...
Let it take me in, let it hold me close.
I can feel it say...Mm...
"I don't believe in fate, I believe in gravitation."
The words struck me hard, Yuki-sama... You don't know just how hard. I was tempted to flee right at that moment, run away from everyone telling me to leave you... From everything. From you, from Hiro, from Ryuichi. I wanted to turn and run and never return to your cold smile, to your empty embrace that was quite enough. But I stayed, and those words still haunt me because I believe I made the wrong decision. My subconscious is gnawing at me, trying its best to make me sick from all these problems. Everyone tells me you cheat on me, that you don't love me, that I should leave you. But yet... I stay, day after day, don't I? Am I ignorant for staying with you, Yuki? Am I stupid for loving someone who is incapable of loving anyone? I think I am. I just don't show you that side of me. The smart side of me. Because I guess, you're also incapable of seeing anything more than the naive, ignorant belittled side of Shuichi... Of me. But I do know that you know I am a person. A person that is very heavily in love with you, a person that worships every move you make, every breath you breathe. And you know that no matter what, I don't have the strength to walk away from you.
I watched your face change from your puppy-eyed begging to your "Yuki made me cry again" face. The one where your eyes droop and your mouth twitches and you begin to sniffle... The one I'm used to seeing after I tell you how I feel. It's not as if I didn't expect it, you know... I meant to make you cry, just as I always do. Yet, it amazes me how you never see it coming. How you always act so innocent and naive even though I'm sure you know what's about to come. Another verbal punch from Eiri, another round of tears for Shindou. I can't say I don't feel bad for it, you know. I gain a sense of power when I make others cry, and after a while I suppose it does take its toll on me. I just tend not to show it in front of you, because I fear that maybe, you would gain that power, that ego rush. If anyone ever held that over me, I believe I would perish. In my relationships, all the attention is wasted on me. It's not something I can prevent, not that I would want to, but you'll get used to it. If I decide to let you stick around that long. You see, I'm afraid of how close you're getting. I believe I'm falling in love with your naivety and your tears, and your cute way of sleeping half-naked in freezing cold weather. That's not something I want to happen, so I push you away. Yet, all the more I reject you, the more you want me. And I believe I'm beginning to love that about you as well.
You're so cold to me, Yuki... No matter how hard I try, you'll never smile at me, never kiss me warmly. Everything you do is cold... The way you smirk, the way you laugh, the way you tease me... Even your touch is cold against my skin. You push me away time and time again, but I just want you to be here for me, Yuki. I just want you to be what we should be. Lovers. I want you to be mine and mine alone, I want to be able to trust you. I want to be able to come home to you and be surprised with flowers, with hugs and kisses, with anything besides that cold smirk of yours. What happened in your past is over, I don't care about your sensei. Why are you incapable of showing any kind of love to me? Am I just another toy? If I am, then why have you kept me around for so long? Do you enjoy seeing me cry...? I'm beginning to think that you do, because... Because you haven't left me yet, and you know when you do, you'll lack all my tears. You'll lack my sadness and my pleading. I try to make you happy, I change everything about me just to please you. Yet... It seems like no matter what I do, I'll never measure up to what you want. You've said that it isn't that I'm male that bothers you... Then what is it? Why can't you love me? I have fans clawing at my feet for just a chance with me, and the one person that I really want, that I need, thinks I'm inferior and that I'm so imperfect... I need you, and you don't need me back. Why...?