The Merry Adventures of Merry Brandybuck
By: The Three Nazgulas
"Oh my god!!!!!!!! " screamed Legolas as he looked in his mirror. "I'm gorgeous!" The Fellowship should have been used to this seeing how it was his everyday ritual. He would look in his mirror, tell himself how beautiful he was, then grab a handful of pipe weed and rub it in his hair while chanting in a queer language, which he claims, was Elvish (I doubt it though). He said the pipe weed gave his hair that sleek, shiny look and that it made his hair grow faster. I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but I think we should just give him the benefit of the doubt.
Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, Legolas' everyday ritual. Our lovely Elf comrade has numerous issues to work out. He has this queer thing with stripping the hairs off of deer, and then gluing them (with pipe weed) on Aragorn's ass when he's asleep. He also thinks it's funny when he ties one of us hobbits, myself, Frodo, Pippin, or Sam, to the deer WHILE he's plucking out the hairs. This one time, at archery camp, my teacher told me never to allow myself to be strapped to any animal that was being waxed. Well. close enough. The point is, Legolas has clearly overreacted. But it's only been 3 days since we departed from Rivendell, and I'm, already regretting it. It's not that I don't care about Frodo, but I am really getting sick and tired of the lack of food, Legolas swooning over himself, and Pippin keeps pissing his pants (I am always the one who gives up the extra pair).
Let's start over with today, this morning I woke up. This is always the best part of my day because I get to cuddle with Pippin until he wakes up and I have to pretend I'm asleep so he doesn't think I'm queer or something. Anyway, today he looked so cute and I woke up early, so I got to cuddle extra long. He woke up quite suddenly though when I started drooling on his face. He was still half asleep so I told him it was raining. We got dressed and he helped me button my shirt because I told him I forgot how. Score! We went out to the fire to eat; thank you Gimli for your "cram" which is just cleverly disguised shit. We joyfully witnessed Legolas' morning ritual and set out. Some of our new companions seem a bit shady to me. Like that Boromir for example, I caught him asking Aragorn to teach him how to wrassle, which is perfectly fine, but when he was turned politely down he asked Legolas. Legolas stared strangely at Boromir's hair and started laughing in a high-pitched giggle.
After all these wonderful educational activities were completed, Gandalf made us walk on. I don't want to listen to Gandalf anymore, he smells like rotten puss, but we follow along anyway.
So after a long, long walk we finally rested on a rocky hill. It had lots of rocks. Big ones. We started a fire and Legolas was trying to cook a meal for us. In the mean time Boromir was attempting to teach us how to use the sword, what happens when he tries to educate us? He stabs Pippin, that's what! So Pippin and I charged after him, flinging us on top of him. and he laughs! He seems to be enjoying himself, but I have no idea why.
"Crebain from Dunland!" Legolas shouted. I don't know why I ran with the rest of the fellowship, because I had no idea what the hell Klebine from Dumbland were. We had to hide from the evil birdies, but I didn't see the evilness in them. I myself wanted to get to know them better. Suddenly, it started to rain white stuff. It wasn't milk, it wasn't elf cum, it was ........ "BIRD SHIT!!!!!!!!" Gandalf shouted, still smelling like rotten puss.
I found a lovely little twig, off of a faggot, and dipped it into one of the white pools. "Hey Pansy," I asked Legolas. "How many licks does it take to get the center of a poop-clustered twig?"
"I dunno. Let me find out!" The Elf grabbed the twig and put it in his mouth, which by the way was already foaming. The rest of the scene was somewhat vile, so I'll let you imagine the rest.
CHAPTER DUNG.
By: The Three Nazgulas
"Oh my god!!!!!!!! " screamed Legolas as he looked in his mirror. "I'm gorgeous!" The Fellowship should have been used to this seeing how it was his everyday ritual. He would look in his mirror, tell himself how beautiful he was, then grab a handful of pipe weed and rub it in his hair while chanting in a queer language, which he claims, was Elvish (I doubt it though). He said the pipe weed gave his hair that sleek, shiny look and that it made his hair grow faster. I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but I think we should just give him the benefit of the doubt.
Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, Legolas' everyday ritual. Our lovely Elf comrade has numerous issues to work out. He has this queer thing with stripping the hairs off of deer, and then gluing them (with pipe weed) on Aragorn's ass when he's asleep. He also thinks it's funny when he ties one of us hobbits, myself, Frodo, Pippin, or Sam, to the deer WHILE he's plucking out the hairs. This one time, at archery camp, my teacher told me never to allow myself to be strapped to any animal that was being waxed. Well. close enough. The point is, Legolas has clearly overreacted. But it's only been 3 days since we departed from Rivendell, and I'm, already regretting it. It's not that I don't care about Frodo, but I am really getting sick and tired of the lack of food, Legolas swooning over himself, and Pippin keeps pissing his pants (I am always the one who gives up the extra pair).
Let's start over with today, this morning I woke up. This is always the best part of my day because I get to cuddle with Pippin until he wakes up and I have to pretend I'm asleep so he doesn't think I'm queer or something. Anyway, today he looked so cute and I woke up early, so I got to cuddle extra long. He woke up quite suddenly though when I started drooling on his face. He was still half asleep so I told him it was raining. We got dressed and he helped me button my shirt because I told him I forgot how. Score! We went out to the fire to eat; thank you Gimli for your "cram" which is just cleverly disguised shit. We joyfully witnessed Legolas' morning ritual and set out. Some of our new companions seem a bit shady to me. Like that Boromir for example, I caught him asking Aragorn to teach him how to wrassle, which is perfectly fine, but when he was turned politely down he asked Legolas. Legolas stared strangely at Boromir's hair and started laughing in a high-pitched giggle.
After all these wonderful educational activities were completed, Gandalf made us walk on. I don't want to listen to Gandalf anymore, he smells like rotten puss, but we follow along anyway.
So after a long, long walk we finally rested on a rocky hill. It had lots of rocks. Big ones. We started a fire and Legolas was trying to cook a meal for us. In the mean time Boromir was attempting to teach us how to use the sword, what happens when he tries to educate us? He stabs Pippin, that's what! So Pippin and I charged after him, flinging us on top of him. and he laughs! He seems to be enjoying himself, but I have no idea why.
"Crebain from Dunland!" Legolas shouted. I don't know why I ran with the rest of the fellowship, because I had no idea what the hell Klebine from Dumbland were. We had to hide from the evil birdies, but I didn't see the evilness in them. I myself wanted to get to know them better. Suddenly, it started to rain white stuff. It wasn't milk, it wasn't elf cum, it was ........ "BIRD SHIT!!!!!!!!" Gandalf shouted, still smelling like rotten puss.
I found a lovely little twig, off of a faggot, and dipped it into one of the white pools. "Hey Pansy," I asked Legolas. "How many licks does it take to get the center of a poop-clustered twig?"
"I dunno. Let me find out!" The Elf grabbed the twig and put it in his mouth, which by the way was already foaming. The rest of the scene was somewhat vile, so I'll let you imagine the rest.
CHAPTER DUNG.