Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha nor it's characters, and I surely don't
own "Here is Gone" by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Warning: A few bits of profanity here and there..
Part Four
*****I have no solution to the sound of this pollution in me.*****
To be completely honest, I have no idea in hell how to make things right again. I don't know what to do. However, I do have a vague idea. Find a way to appease you without getting myself killed in the process- that's about as blunt as I can put it. But is that even possible? You said yourself that you died hating me, and that your soul could never move from the spot. Does that mean that even if you believed the truth about what Naraku did to us.that even then, you would still long to see me dead? Even after forgiving me for what I never did? Even after returning to the Afterlife? Even after all that.you would still want to see me dead and with you?
The thought scares the shit out of me.
No. That can't be true. You can't hate me that much. No. If only I can show you the truth and tell you what really happened, then you would forget about your revenge. You would die again and return to the land of the dead in peace like you deserve. Gods.if only. If only it was that easy for us.
But even if we did settle the things between us and both go our separate ways at last-my damn guilt would still be there. I know it. Even now, when all hope for peace between us seems unbelievable, I know that I would still have guilt even if you went away in peace. I would keep the guilt for one reason only. My memories of you.
No matter how many years pass, I know that I will still love you. I know that I'll see your face in my mind's eye every day that I wake up, and I know that I'll feel that pressure on my heart that I felt when we were both alive together. I know that I'll never forget you and who you were to me.
And on top of all that-I realize that I'm falling in love with the girl that suddenly appeared in front of me one day, and woke me up from the fifty year sleep you put me in. How goddamn ironic is that?
She's in my every thought. Every time I dare to take a glance at her, I feel like I'm being crushed from the inside out. But, in a strange way, I like the feeling. It's overwhelming, not bordering on painful-- not like the feeling you gave me. She takes over everything in me-my senses, my mind, my heart, my soul. But you-you only made me feel elated for a single moment, a small fraction of time. Then you would send me plummeting to the ground again with one simple blink of your eyes or gesture of your hands. Even now, I have no idea what caused that. I'm sure it wasn't your intentions to do that to me. I think it was me-my own subconscious telling me that you were not the one.
Even so, I will always remember that you were the first person after my mother died to make me feel like a human being. After she died, my world went black. Everything seemed to either shrivel up and burrow into the ground or tower above me and try it's goddamn hardest to kill me. Everything and everyone made me feel useless, hated-made me feel no less than a freak of nature that should have never taken a first breath. But then I saw you one day, and you seemed to tear a hole in my black curtain and let the sun shine in for a brief moment. A moment that saved my life from the darkness that was consuming it. You loved me. And you made me feel like I had a place in the world.
But Kagome. She never even bothered tearing a hole to let the light get a peek at me. She flung the damn curtains wide open and blinded the hell out of me. And she just stood there, proud of herself, bathed in the light that I hadn't seen for fifty years, and made me begin to fall in love with her.
You never did that. You never will.
And that's exactly why the guilt bears down on me and crushes the life out of me-because sometimes I find myself looking at her.and see you instead. And that scares me more than anything I'll ever come against in this world.
*****And I was not the answer, so forget you ever though it was me.*****
Every time I find myself thinking of you, only one thing is ever really heavy on my mind. The past. The past and the things that are in it. The key to finding peace is forgetting everything that caused the pain. Or so everyone says. And in our case, I guess it's forgetting everything that happened half a century ago. Forgetting the time that we spent together, the things that we said to each other, the evils that were done to both of us. And most of all-what we almost were together. Forget that we were ever in love. Forget that both of our lives almost changed drastically for the better or the worse. Forget it all.
Even forget everything that could have happened in our future. The future, perhaps, is the most dangerous thing that either of us could ever dare to remember. Things that almost were and could have been. It seems like a ridiculous oxymoron to say such a thing, but I know that it's true. I know that trying to piece together what could have been will be my downfall. I know this because I know its something I desire so desperately to do.
I believe that if we could only think of the things we could have done together, the places we could have gone, the people we could have known- then we could begin to heal. By allowing things that will never happen to surface in out minds, we can somehow get past them. We can escape them.
But how foolish is that? Lingering on things that will never come to pass. Trying to live on what we see in the future.
Once again, I find myself terrified. I feel helpless. I feel like I'm losing my mind. How in hell do I think these damn things up? Remembering the future to forget the past? Those are the thoughts of a lunatic!
Maybe if you were able to see what the simple thought of you does to me, you'd understand. You slowly make me go insane-I guess that's the blunt way to say it. Here I am, trying my goddamn hardest to make sense of the things that are destroying me.and I end up realizing that I'm going crazy. How fun.
A/N: Thanks to everyone for the great (and non-bias) reviews!! Kudos to you all for being open to a Kikyo/InuYasha pairing (well, not really, but pretty close). A few more chapters to go after this one!!
To lynxlady: I was really moved by your review. I get chill bumps when people point out exactly what got to them while they were reading my fic. Thank you so much for telling me that!!! ^_^
Love and peace to everyone!!!
Warning: A few bits of profanity here and there..
Part Four
*****I have no solution to the sound of this pollution in me.*****
To be completely honest, I have no idea in hell how to make things right again. I don't know what to do. However, I do have a vague idea. Find a way to appease you without getting myself killed in the process- that's about as blunt as I can put it. But is that even possible? You said yourself that you died hating me, and that your soul could never move from the spot. Does that mean that even if you believed the truth about what Naraku did to us.that even then, you would still long to see me dead? Even after forgiving me for what I never did? Even after returning to the Afterlife? Even after all that.you would still want to see me dead and with you?
The thought scares the shit out of me.
No. That can't be true. You can't hate me that much. No. If only I can show you the truth and tell you what really happened, then you would forget about your revenge. You would die again and return to the land of the dead in peace like you deserve. Gods.if only. If only it was that easy for us.
But even if we did settle the things between us and both go our separate ways at last-my damn guilt would still be there. I know it. Even now, when all hope for peace between us seems unbelievable, I know that I would still have guilt even if you went away in peace. I would keep the guilt for one reason only. My memories of you.
No matter how many years pass, I know that I will still love you. I know that I'll see your face in my mind's eye every day that I wake up, and I know that I'll feel that pressure on my heart that I felt when we were both alive together. I know that I'll never forget you and who you were to me.
And on top of all that-I realize that I'm falling in love with the girl that suddenly appeared in front of me one day, and woke me up from the fifty year sleep you put me in. How goddamn ironic is that?
She's in my every thought. Every time I dare to take a glance at her, I feel like I'm being crushed from the inside out. But, in a strange way, I like the feeling. It's overwhelming, not bordering on painful-- not like the feeling you gave me. She takes over everything in me-my senses, my mind, my heart, my soul. But you-you only made me feel elated for a single moment, a small fraction of time. Then you would send me plummeting to the ground again with one simple blink of your eyes or gesture of your hands. Even now, I have no idea what caused that. I'm sure it wasn't your intentions to do that to me. I think it was me-my own subconscious telling me that you were not the one.
Even so, I will always remember that you were the first person after my mother died to make me feel like a human being. After she died, my world went black. Everything seemed to either shrivel up and burrow into the ground or tower above me and try it's goddamn hardest to kill me. Everything and everyone made me feel useless, hated-made me feel no less than a freak of nature that should have never taken a first breath. But then I saw you one day, and you seemed to tear a hole in my black curtain and let the sun shine in for a brief moment. A moment that saved my life from the darkness that was consuming it. You loved me. And you made me feel like I had a place in the world.
But Kagome. She never even bothered tearing a hole to let the light get a peek at me. She flung the damn curtains wide open and blinded the hell out of me. And she just stood there, proud of herself, bathed in the light that I hadn't seen for fifty years, and made me begin to fall in love with her.
You never did that. You never will.
And that's exactly why the guilt bears down on me and crushes the life out of me-because sometimes I find myself looking at her.and see you instead. And that scares me more than anything I'll ever come against in this world.
*****And I was not the answer, so forget you ever though it was me.*****
Every time I find myself thinking of you, only one thing is ever really heavy on my mind. The past. The past and the things that are in it. The key to finding peace is forgetting everything that caused the pain. Or so everyone says. And in our case, I guess it's forgetting everything that happened half a century ago. Forgetting the time that we spent together, the things that we said to each other, the evils that were done to both of us. And most of all-what we almost were together. Forget that we were ever in love. Forget that both of our lives almost changed drastically for the better or the worse. Forget it all.
Even forget everything that could have happened in our future. The future, perhaps, is the most dangerous thing that either of us could ever dare to remember. Things that almost were and could have been. It seems like a ridiculous oxymoron to say such a thing, but I know that it's true. I know that trying to piece together what could have been will be my downfall. I know this because I know its something I desire so desperately to do.
I believe that if we could only think of the things we could have done together, the places we could have gone, the people we could have known- then we could begin to heal. By allowing things that will never happen to surface in out minds, we can somehow get past them. We can escape them.
But how foolish is that? Lingering on things that will never come to pass. Trying to live on what we see in the future.
Once again, I find myself terrified. I feel helpless. I feel like I'm losing my mind. How in hell do I think these damn things up? Remembering the future to forget the past? Those are the thoughts of a lunatic!
Maybe if you were able to see what the simple thought of you does to me, you'd understand. You slowly make me go insane-I guess that's the blunt way to say it. Here I am, trying my goddamn hardest to make sense of the things that are destroying me.and I end up realizing that I'm going crazy. How fun.
A/N: Thanks to everyone for the great (and non-bias) reviews!! Kudos to you all for being open to a Kikyo/InuYasha pairing (well, not really, but pretty close). A few more chapters to go after this one!!
To lynxlady: I was really moved by your review. I get chill bumps when people point out exactly what got to them while they were reading my fic. Thank you so much for telling me that!!! ^_^
Love and peace to everyone!!!