Part Five
*****And I don't need the fallout of all the past that's here between us.*****
None of this is good for either of us. How obvious is that? I don't need to be terrorized by all these thoughts and emotions, and you don't need to be hell-bent on murder-even if you do believe that it's righteous vengeance.
These memories and thoughts of all the things that could have happened are slowly breaking me down and tearing me apart. Every time a thought of you surfaces, I can feel something inside of me snap off and slowly and dissolve into my body as if it weren't of any importance to my being. Every time a memory of you slips through the barriers of my mind and begins its war on my emotions, I feel myself slowly succumbing to your intentions for me. I feel like I'm beginning to die.
You appear in my mind in so many ways-in the body that died fifty years ago, in the body that was molded from the earth, in the body of the girl I began falling in love with. You speak to me, you listen to me, you touch me, you try to kill me, you try to heal me, you try to connect with me like you once did. Sometimes, you even appear to me as a simple thing taken from the expanse of the universe-a color, a sound, a simple act of nature. I've seen you in the surface of a lake as rain distorts the water into ripples and waves. I've seen you in the grass that covers the place where Kaede told me you had fallen and died. I envision the rich green carpet strewn with garnets and rubies sparkling brilliantly in the afternoon sun-then watch as the jewels turn into thick blood, seeping into the earth.
It seems like lunacy is what forms these hallucinations and visions in my struggling mind, but in simple reality-it is you. Your memory is slowly destroying me, and here you are, trying your goddamn best to kill me with your own two hands. Why not allow the memories to do the job for you? Why soil your hands when the hands of your projections in my mind are already doing what you want to be done?
I know I seem like a fool to say such a thing, but the urge to bear all is heavy on me for some reason. I cannot keep all this shit inside of my head and soul much longer-its poisoning me. Its frightening me. There is nothing in this world I would desire more than to rid my head of you. I would even give up my quest for the Shikon jewel if it meant you would be gone from my consciousness. If I could be free of your memory, your torment, your haunting, your lust for vengeance-all of you-I would gladly give you whatever you wanted from me. If you swore to leave me be and go in peace to wherever you came back from.if you swore to relieve me of my guilt.then I would give you anything in return. If you asked for it, Kikyo, I would give you my life.
*****And I'm not holding on, And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here.*****
But I could never forgive myself for doing that, even if it did mean peace for the both of us in some form and manner. 'How could you give in to death when you've done nothing to deserve it?'-- That's what Kagome would say if she could hear my thoughts. 'You never give up! Why would you do it now?!'
Gods, I can hear her so clearly, almost as if she really were speaking to me. I suddenly realize that I do wish she could hear my thoughts. To see what is tormenting me on the inside, to see what effect she has on me, to see what I desire, what I dream of, what I wish could be over and done with.what I wish could begin. If she could see, then something could begin. Would she understand? Would she want to help me? Or would she think me foolish, incompetent, deranged-or just pitiful?
But what if she would be willing to help me; not just in finding the shards and completing the jewel, but in finding and completing myself? Could she simply scour my soul, searching out and picking up the pieces of my broken self just as she'd done with the Shikon shards? Or would it be more meticulous, more painful? Would I give in to her and let her do what needed to be done only by her hands? Or would I fight even though my better judgment knew the importance of her medicinal touch and soothing words? Would I let her take me over in order to heal me?
So many damn questions with absolutely no one but my own demented self to answer them. I feel like lashing out at something or screaming- anything to get rid of the frustration and the pain that I know is getting too heavy to cart around much longer. Something's got to go, and it's got to go soon.
I almost get the urge to kill, but my humanity keeps its death grip on my consciousness just long enough for me to hear something-something that slaps me in the face but calms me at the same time. Something that squeezes at my heart painfully and caresses my skin at the same time. Something that makes me glance down to the dark grass below my perch.
***I know it's out there. I know it's out there.***
Her voice. Her voice rising above the soothing clamor of the crickets and whispering of my tortured mind, calling my name.
"InuYasha?"
I can see her in the dense night air, her sillouhette moving through the darkness like a beacon calling me away from the rocks and towards the safety of the coast. Calling me back from the edge of madness. But I don't respond. I simply watch her, remaining perfectly still on the high branch of the oak tree. She is oblivious to my presence above her, but I know she knows I'm close by.
"InuYasha please." her airy voice calls out to me again, "You've been gone so long. Please come back to camp."
She's never asked me to do that before. She's always respected and understood my love of solitude. She knows that this is how I've survived so long-by keeping to myself. She knows that isolation comforts me. But does she know what runs rampant in my mind when I'm alone? Could she really know something so intimate about me? Could she feel my inner distress as I battled against my mind-and against you, Kikyo? Has she come to re-claim me from you, to rescue me?
I'm not angry with her for coming to search for me as I first was. I am thankful. The sound of her voice has brought me back into the land of reality and shown me what it has to offer me. Her. Her beauty. Her brilliance. Her unabashed spirit.
So this is how it will end. What can I say to you now, Kikyo, when the girl I love is so near to me? Can I ask your forgiveness one more time for never telling you what I felt for you? I suppose I can. There is no harm in that, is there? Can I ask your forgiveness for everything that preceeded and followed your death and my sleep? Naraku. Your unrighteous resurrection. Our battles-both physical and emotional. The things that were never said that should have been. The things that were never done that should have been. The life that was stolen from both of us.
But the past is the past. And the present is the present. And most important-the future is the future. But what can I say about yours? Only one thing comes to mind after this conversation that we had inside my head- I wish for nothing more that your peace of heart. Find peace, Kikyo. Return to the place you went when you died and be content there just as you were before you were brought back. Be free of your dirt and bone prison. Be free. You were a noble woman, good of heart and strong of mind. You deserve nothing more than your freedom.
And me. What of me? Kagome is still not giving up. She knows I can hear her, and she's determined to find me. As I look at her, I see her. And it dawns on me like the morning sun as the radiance of her face looks up into the tree and sees my amber eyes looking back at her. I can see her. Not you, Kikyo. Her. Her ink black hair blending into the night air around her, the pale illuminesence of her face, the loving concern burrowed deep into her gray eyes.
"InuYasha!" she gasps when she catches sight of me above her in the tree, my eyes locked on her like it was the first time I had ever seen her. Because in reality it is. After such a long time of looking at her and seeing your face looking back at me, the sight of Kagome's face is beyond dazzling. It is mesmerizing. It is riveting.
She stares at me strangely, as if I have lost my mind. If she only knew the hold my mind has on me. If she only knew the thoughts that have passed through my head.
So now I think I'll come down from my perch on the tree and join her and our companions at our camp. I think now is a good time to finally forget. Forget and begin again. I drop from the branch, my lithe body landing in front of her in a crouch, then straightening to my full height.
"You scared me," she says, her smoke-colored eyes glowing in the dimness, her voice breathy from fright.
"Sorry," I reply quietly, not even attempting to hold back the urge to grab her body and pull it close to me. I envelope her, alarming even myself with my brazeness. She tenses in my arms, startled by my unexpected action. But soon, I feel her relax, her hands slowly coming to rest on my shoulder blades, allowing her body to be molded to mine. And I relax as well, now that I am in her arms just as she's in mine.
I am so overwhelmed that I've finally seen her as herself for the first time. I keep her pressed close to me, not wanting to let her go now that I've finally discovered her. But I feel her begin to disentangle herself from me, moving away from me. But she slips her hand delicately into mine as she draws away from my embrace, telling me that she hasn't rejected me.
She's smiling at me like she's never known happiness before, and I am blown away by the honored feeling I get from that smile. I am the one who did that. I made her smile.
And as we walk out of the woods and back to the clearing where our small fire burns and our friends lounge together, the touch of her hand tells me that she's already begun to search me. I can feel her eagerness, her devotion, and her adoration. Her eyes are already scouring my shattered soul and finding the pieces that she will soon begin to put back together for me. And I can see her as she searches. I can see her as she begins to save me from my pain, my past, and myself.
Gods, I can see her. And nothing else could ever compare to the way she's looking back at me.
The End.
A/N: Yee-haw!! My second completed fan fic!! * jumps around happily * I thoroughly enjoyed writing this short POV fic, and I hope all of you enjoyed reading it. If you're interested, this fic did have a sort of predecessor called "Riverwide", a similar fic but from Kikyo's POV, that you might like to read. Thanks again for reading and reviewing my story!
So long, Iseult
*****And I don't need the fallout of all the past that's here between us.*****
None of this is good for either of us. How obvious is that? I don't need to be terrorized by all these thoughts and emotions, and you don't need to be hell-bent on murder-even if you do believe that it's righteous vengeance.
These memories and thoughts of all the things that could have happened are slowly breaking me down and tearing me apart. Every time a thought of you surfaces, I can feel something inside of me snap off and slowly and dissolve into my body as if it weren't of any importance to my being. Every time a memory of you slips through the barriers of my mind and begins its war on my emotions, I feel myself slowly succumbing to your intentions for me. I feel like I'm beginning to die.
You appear in my mind in so many ways-in the body that died fifty years ago, in the body that was molded from the earth, in the body of the girl I began falling in love with. You speak to me, you listen to me, you touch me, you try to kill me, you try to heal me, you try to connect with me like you once did. Sometimes, you even appear to me as a simple thing taken from the expanse of the universe-a color, a sound, a simple act of nature. I've seen you in the surface of a lake as rain distorts the water into ripples and waves. I've seen you in the grass that covers the place where Kaede told me you had fallen and died. I envision the rich green carpet strewn with garnets and rubies sparkling brilliantly in the afternoon sun-then watch as the jewels turn into thick blood, seeping into the earth.
It seems like lunacy is what forms these hallucinations and visions in my struggling mind, but in simple reality-it is you. Your memory is slowly destroying me, and here you are, trying your goddamn best to kill me with your own two hands. Why not allow the memories to do the job for you? Why soil your hands when the hands of your projections in my mind are already doing what you want to be done?
I know I seem like a fool to say such a thing, but the urge to bear all is heavy on me for some reason. I cannot keep all this shit inside of my head and soul much longer-its poisoning me. Its frightening me. There is nothing in this world I would desire more than to rid my head of you. I would even give up my quest for the Shikon jewel if it meant you would be gone from my consciousness. If I could be free of your memory, your torment, your haunting, your lust for vengeance-all of you-I would gladly give you whatever you wanted from me. If you swore to leave me be and go in peace to wherever you came back from.if you swore to relieve me of my guilt.then I would give you anything in return. If you asked for it, Kikyo, I would give you my life.
*****And I'm not holding on, And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here.*****
But I could never forgive myself for doing that, even if it did mean peace for the both of us in some form and manner. 'How could you give in to death when you've done nothing to deserve it?'-- That's what Kagome would say if she could hear my thoughts. 'You never give up! Why would you do it now?!'
Gods, I can hear her so clearly, almost as if she really were speaking to me. I suddenly realize that I do wish she could hear my thoughts. To see what is tormenting me on the inside, to see what effect she has on me, to see what I desire, what I dream of, what I wish could be over and done with.what I wish could begin. If she could see, then something could begin. Would she understand? Would she want to help me? Or would she think me foolish, incompetent, deranged-or just pitiful?
But what if she would be willing to help me; not just in finding the shards and completing the jewel, but in finding and completing myself? Could she simply scour my soul, searching out and picking up the pieces of my broken self just as she'd done with the Shikon shards? Or would it be more meticulous, more painful? Would I give in to her and let her do what needed to be done only by her hands? Or would I fight even though my better judgment knew the importance of her medicinal touch and soothing words? Would I let her take me over in order to heal me?
So many damn questions with absolutely no one but my own demented self to answer them. I feel like lashing out at something or screaming- anything to get rid of the frustration and the pain that I know is getting too heavy to cart around much longer. Something's got to go, and it's got to go soon.
I almost get the urge to kill, but my humanity keeps its death grip on my consciousness just long enough for me to hear something-something that slaps me in the face but calms me at the same time. Something that squeezes at my heart painfully and caresses my skin at the same time. Something that makes me glance down to the dark grass below my perch.
***I know it's out there. I know it's out there.***
Her voice. Her voice rising above the soothing clamor of the crickets and whispering of my tortured mind, calling my name.
"InuYasha?"
I can see her in the dense night air, her sillouhette moving through the darkness like a beacon calling me away from the rocks and towards the safety of the coast. Calling me back from the edge of madness. But I don't respond. I simply watch her, remaining perfectly still on the high branch of the oak tree. She is oblivious to my presence above her, but I know she knows I'm close by.
"InuYasha please." her airy voice calls out to me again, "You've been gone so long. Please come back to camp."
She's never asked me to do that before. She's always respected and understood my love of solitude. She knows that this is how I've survived so long-by keeping to myself. She knows that isolation comforts me. But does she know what runs rampant in my mind when I'm alone? Could she really know something so intimate about me? Could she feel my inner distress as I battled against my mind-and against you, Kikyo? Has she come to re-claim me from you, to rescue me?
I'm not angry with her for coming to search for me as I first was. I am thankful. The sound of her voice has brought me back into the land of reality and shown me what it has to offer me. Her. Her beauty. Her brilliance. Her unabashed spirit.
So this is how it will end. What can I say to you now, Kikyo, when the girl I love is so near to me? Can I ask your forgiveness one more time for never telling you what I felt for you? I suppose I can. There is no harm in that, is there? Can I ask your forgiveness for everything that preceeded and followed your death and my sleep? Naraku. Your unrighteous resurrection. Our battles-both physical and emotional. The things that were never said that should have been. The things that were never done that should have been. The life that was stolen from both of us.
But the past is the past. And the present is the present. And most important-the future is the future. But what can I say about yours? Only one thing comes to mind after this conversation that we had inside my head- I wish for nothing more that your peace of heart. Find peace, Kikyo. Return to the place you went when you died and be content there just as you were before you were brought back. Be free of your dirt and bone prison. Be free. You were a noble woman, good of heart and strong of mind. You deserve nothing more than your freedom.
And me. What of me? Kagome is still not giving up. She knows I can hear her, and she's determined to find me. As I look at her, I see her. And it dawns on me like the morning sun as the radiance of her face looks up into the tree and sees my amber eyes looking back at her. I can see her. Not you, Kikyo. Her. Her ink black hair blending into the night air around her, the pale illuminesence of her face, the loving concern burrowed deep into her gray eyes.
"InuYasha!" she gasps when she catches sight of me above her in the tree, my eyes locked on her like it was the first time I had ever seen her. Because in reality it is. After such a long time of looking at her and seeing your face looking back at me, the sight of Kagome's face is beyond dazzling. It is mesmerizing. It is riveting.
She stares at me strangely, as if I have lost my mind. If she only knew the hold my mind has on me. If she only knew the thoughts that have passed through my head.
So now I think I'll come down from my perch on the tree and join her and our companions at our camp. I think now is a good time to finally forget. Forget and begin again. I drop from the branch, my lithe body landing in front of her in a crouch, then straightening to my full height.
"You scared me," she says, her smoke-colored eyes glowing in the dimness, her voice breathy from fright.
"Sorry," I reply quietly, not even attempting to hold back the urge to grab her body and pull it close to me. I envelope her, alarming even myself with my brazeness. She tenses in my arms, startled by my unexpected action. But soon, I feel her relax, her hands slowly coming to rest on my shoulder blades, allowing her body to be molded to mine. And I relax as well, now that I am in her arms just as she's in mine.
I am so overwhelmed that I've finally seen her as herself for the first time. I keep her pressed close to me, not wanting to let her go now that I've finally discovered her. But I feel her begin to disentangle herself from me, moving away from me. But she slips her hand delicately into mine as she draws away from my embrace, telling me that she hasn't rejected me.
She's smiling at me like she's never known happiness before, and I am blown away by the honored feeling I get from that smile. I am the one who did that. I made her smile.
And as we walk out of the woods and back to the clearing where our small fire burns and our friends lounge together, the touch of her hand tells me that she's already begun to search me. I can feel her eagerness, her devotion, and her adoration. Her eyes are already scouring my shattered soul and finding the pieces that she will soon begin to put back together for me. And I can see her as she searches. I can see her as she begins to save me from my pain, my past, and myself.
Gods, I can see her. And nothing else could ever compare to the way she's looking back at me.
The End.
A/N: Yee-haw!! My second completed fan fic!! * jumps around happily * I thoroughly enjoyed writing this short POV fic, and I hope all of you enjoyed reading it. If you're interested, this fic did have a sort of predecessor called "Riverwide", a similar fic but from Kikyo's POV, that you might like to read. Thanks again for reading and reviewing my story!
So long, Iseult