Disclaimer: Do I look like someone who owns Evangelion? No? Then why do I have to write this?
(Gets IP-traced, sued, and beaten the hell out of by a bunch of security people in black suits.)
Okay, okay, uncle. I don't own the subject in question, and I don't even want to. I only own this horrible, revolting, disgusting, OOC trashfic which is a parody to another fic posessing more or less the same qualities - "Tokyo 3 Annihillated", by Ultima Havoc.
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SHINJI VERSUS
Round one: Shinji versus The Penguin.
FIGHT!
-----
It was yet another bright summer day in the city that so many of us have grown to love and hate. Cicadas were merrily chirping, birds were merrily devouring the insects who were stupid enough to have their presence disclosed, and somewhere in the background a lone crop duster was merrily trying to collide with an office skyscraper, and yet the building graciously dodged every attack of the unfortunate kamikaze.
In other words, all was right with the world. And that means that one Japanese teenager, part-time student, part-time savior of the world, and full-fledged hentai baka, was pissed. And royally so.
Not only because one of his girlfirends ended up having to detonate herself to avoid his valiant attempts at making her succumb to his perverted desires.
Not only because another one of his girlfriends broke up with him and reduced his wardrobe, his year supply of gonzo-sized industrial strength condoms, his favorite "Roast in the Shell" action figure featuring Moosucko Kutthebullshit wearing a gun holster and little else, his PS9 and even the limited edition "New Game. Same Buhahamut." Phinal Phantasy Phorever LXIV poster to smoldering heap of ashes with her fiery tantrum.
Not only because a few days ago he got a proof that not only the church officials are gay, but angels themselves are as well.
Because there should be no excuse for waking up hungry and with a full bladder to see his guardian already gone, the fridge empty, and the toilet occupied - and occupied by no one else than a penguin.
Such violation of the most basic human rights was clearly against the United States Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and nearly every other written law other than Murphy's.
Such devious trickery could only trigger a single response in Shinji's tortured mind:
This Means War. WAR. War (Noun): Open conflict between rivaling factions resulting in numerous casualties and mass destruction.
As Shinji picked up the cell phone and dialed a number in the United States that only was known to a few people, such as the President of the United States and a nymphomaniac White House intern (part-time Israeli spy), a booming voice with a heavy Trademark Politically Correct Afro-American accent spoke:
"Wussup, man!"
"Greetings, Sir. I am Shinji Ikari, you should remember me from USA-Japan joint military operation Dusty Bottoms, when my Evangelion subdued Saddam's troopers. I would like to ask a favor of you..."
"Waht yuo saaaay?"
Upon hearing such response, Shinji understood that when speaking with United States Special Forces Colonel Homer O. J. Simpson, it would be best to throw the mannerisms aside and get strictly to the point.
"Ahem. Yo, soldier man! Me be Shin "Da Prick" Ikari. Me dad OWNS ya. Me has bad rastas on me butt and me needs best shit ya got. No tanks or bombz or nuthin', just good honest manly stuff dat looks good on me."
Within minutes, a loud banging was heard. Shinji opened the apartment's door, only to reveal a young female elf (Looking not even a day older than three hundred years) wearing a dragonscale miniskirt and chain armor top, accompanied by an unshaven muscular brute wearing a Pelvis Wrestley "Born to be King" T-Shirt who was hauling a large, camouflage-colored crate labeled "Top secret army junk. Don't open or we'll court martial your commie ass." up the stairs. Clutching a motorbike helmet with special slits for long pointy ears, the elf asked for delivery payment.
"Of course", replied Shinji in perfect Commonji. "You have earned 2,500 experience points, and, as a tip for quick delivery, your alignment rose by ten points."
As the elf and her unshaven companion left, grumbling something about "boring FedEx quests", "expansion packs" and "harpy ooze", Shinji hauled the box into the apartment and heroically tore the lid off with his bare hands, only to discover a barely alive Rei Ayanami with a loving look in her tearful eyes...
Sorry, wrong fic.
The crate was filled to the brim. A number of glistening handguns, a combat shotgun, a sniper rifle, a couple of his favorite Magnums, more firearms, a squidload of grenades, satchel charges, more firearms, a portable rocket launcher, a kevlar vest, kevlar underpants and kevlar sweatproof socks, a Geiger counter, a weird flask labeled with the number "13", ammo boxes, and more firearms.
"No thanks, I'm not a munchkin", thought Shinji, tossing a suit of T-51b Powered Armor aside to reveal a particularly nasty contraption, a rusty Soviet chainsaw.
As Shinji began changing into combat uniform and carefully disguising his face with paint (to be able to pass for an avid soccer fan), the theme music from The Terminator 2 was playing on the background, apparently coming from nowhere. However, the music quickly changed into something much more appropriate and classical when Shinji fired a warning shot from an AK-74 into the ceiling. As the scream of some unlucky peep upstairs subsided, a transparent counter (Laconically labeled "Frags") in the corner of Shinji's field of vision, to the right of the health and ammo count, changed from zero to one.
Fully armed and armored, using heaps of beer cans for camouflage, Shinji silently (or so he thought) crawled towards the still-occupied restroom, where a sentient bird shook with primal fear, pondering if its best bet would be to take the toilet bowl hostage or just hope that its feathers blended well with the "Ball Street Journal" it was reading. Shinji possessed an assortment of firearms and explosives, while Pun-Pun, er, Pen-Pen, only had a roll of toilet paper as his last defense.
However, with both of them understanding the uselessness of wholesale distribution of both ammo and toilet paper, they both have simultaneously reached a conclusion to fight hand-to-flipper. After a few rounds of Muay Thai Kickboxing with the stoic penguin, Shinji decided to bring an end to the farce.
The music played in the background quickly switched from "Use the Corpse, Puke" by a BDSM (British Deadly Satanist Metal) band appropriately named Dead Goner's Killed Body, to "The Flight of The Valkyries", this time without having to be reminded. And as Shinji mersilessly decapitated the bird with a commando knife, devoured it whole in a fashion that could make Evangelion Unit 01 proud of its dinner manners, and finally relieved his bladder, a scream of victory was heard from the Katsuragi apartment.
Something very much akin to "There can be only one!".
-----
Coming soon:
SHINJI VERSUS
Round two: Shinji versus The Wall.
(Gets IP-traced, sued, and beaten the hell out of by a bunch of security people in black suits.)
Okay, okay, uncle. I don't own the subject in question, and I don't even want to. I only own this horrible, revolting, disgusting, OOC trashfic which is a parody to another fic posessing more or less the same qualities - "Tokyo 3 Annihillated", by Ultima Havoc.
-----
SHINJI VERSUS
Round one: Shinji versus The Penguin.
FIGHT!
-----
It was yet another bright summer day in the city that so many of us have grown to love and hate. Cicadas were merrily chirping, birds were merrily devouring the insects who were stupid enough to have their presence disclosed, and somewhere in the background a lone crop duster was merrily trying to collide with an office skyscraper, and yet the building graciously dodged every attack of the unfortunate kamikaze.
In other words, all was right with the world. And that means that one Japanese teenager, part-time student, part-time savior of the world, and full-fledged hentai baka, was pissed. And royally so.
Not only because one of his girlfirends ended up having to detonate herself to avoid his valiant attempts at making her succumb to his perverted desires.
Not only because another one of his girlfriends broke up with him and reduced his wardrobe, his year supply of gonzo-sized industrial strength condoms, his favorite "Roast in the Shell" action figure featuring Moosucko Kutthebullshit wearing a gun holster and little else, his PS9 and even the limited edition "New Game. Same Buhahamut." Phinal Phantasy Phorever LXIV poster to smoldering heap of ashes with her fiery tantrum.
Not only because a few days ago he got a proof that not only the church officials are gay, but angels themselves are as well.
Because there should be no excuse for waking up hungry and with a full bladder to see his guardian already gone, the fridge empty, and the toilet occupied - and occupied by no one else than a penguin.
Such violation of the most basic human rights was clearly against the United States Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and nearly every other written law other than Murphy's.
Such devious trickery could only trigger a single response in Shinji's tortured mind:
This Means War. WAR. War (Noun): Open conflict between rivaling factions resulting in numerous casualties and mass destruction.
As Shinji picked up the cell phone and dialed a number in the United States that only was known to a few people, such as the President of the United States and a nymphomaniac White House intern (part-time Israeli spy), a booming voice with a heavy Trademark Politically Correct Afro-American accent spoke:
"Wussup, man!"
"Greetings, Sir. I am Shinji Ikari, you should remember me from USA-Japan joint military operation Dusty Bottoms, when my Evangelion subdued Saddam's troopers. I would like to ask a favor of you..."
"Waht yuo saaaay?"
Upon hearing such response, Shinji understood that when speaking with United States Special Forces Colonel Homer O. J. Simpson, it would be best to throw the mannerisms aside and get strictly to the point.
"Ahem. Yo, soldier man! Me be Shin "Da Prick" Ikari. Me dad OWNS ya. Me has bad rastas on me butt and me needs best shit ya got. No tanks or bombz or nuthin', just good honest manly stuff dat looks good on me."
Within minutes, a loud banging was heard. Shinji opened the apartment's door, only to reveal a young female elf (Looking not even a day older than three hundred years) wearing a dragonscale miniskirt and chain armor top, accompanied by an unshaven muscular brute wearing a Pelvis Wrestley "Born to be King" T-Shirt who was hauling a large, camouflage-colored crate labeled "Top secret army junk. Don't open or we'll court martial your commie ass." up the stairs. Clutching a motorbike helmet with special slits for long pointy ears, the elf asked for delivery payment.
"Of course", replied Shinji in perfect Commonji. "You have earned 2,500 experience points, and, as a tip for quick delivery, your alignment rose by ten points."
As the elf and her unshaven companion left, grumbling something about "boring FedEx quests", "expansion packs" and "harpy ooze", Shinji hauled the box into the apartment and heroically tore the lid off with his bare hands, only to discover a barely alive Rei Ayanami with a loving look in her tearful eyes...
Sorry, wrong fic.
The crate was filled to the brim. A number of glistening handguns, a combat shotgun, a sniper rifle, a couple of his favorite Magnums, more firearms, a squidload of grenades, satchel charges, more firearms, a portable rocket launcher, a kevlar vest, kevlar underpants and kevlar sweatproof socks, a Geiger counter, a weird flask labeled with the number "13", ammo boxes, and more firearms.
"No thanks, I'm not a munchkin", thought Shinji, tossing a suit of T-51b Powered Armor aside to reveal a particularly nasty contraption, a rusty Soviet chainsaw.
As Shinji began changing into combat uniform and carefully disguising his face with paint (to be able to pass for an avid soccer fan), the theme music from The Terminator 2 was playing on the background, apparently coming from nowhere. However, the music quickly changed into something much more appropriate and classical when Shinji fired a warning shot from an AK-74 into the ceiling. As the scream of some unlucky peep upstairs subsided, a transparent counter (Laconically labeled "Frags") in the corner of Shinji's field of vision, to the right of the health and ammo count, changed from zero to one.
Fully armed and armored, using heaps of beer cans for camouflage, Shinji silently (or so he thought) crawled towards the still-occupied restroom, where a sentient bird shook with primal fear, pondering if its best bet would be to take the toilet bowl hostage or just hope that its feathers blended well with the "Ball Street Journal" it was reading. Shinji possessed an assortment of firearms and explosives, while Pun-Pun, er, Pen-Pen, only had a roll of toilet paper as his last defense.
However, with both of them understanding the uselessness of wholesale distribution of both ammo and toilet paper, they both have simultaneously reached a conclusion to fight hand-to-flipper. After a few rounds of Muay Thai Kickboxing with the stoic penguin, Shinji decided to bring an end to the farce.
The music played in the background quickly switched from "Use the Corpse, Puke" by a BDSM (British Deadly Satanist Metal) band appropriately named Dead Goner's Killed Body, to "The Flight of The Valkyries", this time without having to be reminded. And as Shinji mersilessly decapitated the bird with a commando knife, devoured it whole in a fashion that could make Evangelion Unit 01 proud of its dinner manners, and finally relieved his bladder, a scream of victory was heard from the Katsuragi apartment.
Something very much akin to "There can be only one!".
-----
Coming soon:
SHINJI VERSUS
Round two: Shinji versus The Wall.