Tortured Mind
A Rurouni Kenshin Story
I can feel it. It never leaves me. It is a part of my past that will forever haunt me. No matter what I do it will always be there, waiting to break free. I have tried for so long to keep it inside of me, not letting it out, so that I may never know the pain of it again. I have a new life, with my wife and son, but it still does not leave.
As the days continue it stays, and I fear that I will never be free of it. Maybe I can never leave that part of me behind, as payment for the lives I took in my youth. My wife, Kaoru, tells me that all it is, is a matter of not thinking about it. But it can't be that simple. For ten years I tried to not think about it, and then, in one fight it came back, taking control of me. At the last second I was pulled back but it was difficult, and it proved to me that it was still with me.
My friends tell me that I am free of it, but they do not understand. I am not free of it, and I feel as if I am simply preventing the inevitable, allowing myself to have a few fleeting moments where I can think that I am simply another man. But it's still there, waiting for its chance to resurface and take control again.
As I am thinking this my wife is tending to our child. He looks very much like me, and I can't stop the thoughts that he might grow up like me. I promise myself that for as long as I can, I will protect my son from that part of life. He will be raised learning the ways of the sword that protects, and not of the sword that kills.
I love my family more than anything, but I know that if I cannot control it, I will leave them, to protect them from the terror that comes with it. I will not be able to control it if it resurfaces again, and I know this, which is why I have been avoiding any confrontations for over a year now. But it is inevitable, I will have another fight, and it will take control of me, and I will kill.
Each time I swing my sword I can feel it, almost like it was banging against a door, and each time I swing, it gets closer and closer to forcing that door open. I am not sure how many swings it takes, but each time I can feel it grip me, I can feel the bloodlust fill me and my swings become more viscous, more sharp and controlled. A part of me wants it to come out, wants me to destroy that which is in my way. But I cannot let it out.
My wife has noticed my concerned gaze and smiled at me. Her smile is brilliant, and it would make anyone feel weak. As I stare at her loving face, I have come to a conclusion.
For as long as I can, I will fight against the madness of the hitokiri. And I will never allow the bloodlust to overwhelm me again.
But I know that I cannot control it forever. With each swing of my sword I can feel it, building within me. Every time my sword whistles through the air the name is uttered. The name that I desperately want to leave behind but cannot. Every time my sword connects with something I can feel it grip me, and I fight it, but the name is still uttered, and I will always hear it, and I can't fight it. It is overwhelming me, and I am losing control. The name is uttered once more.
Battousai.
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Author's Notes: This was just kicking around in my head. Review it if you feel like it.
A Rurouni Kenshin Story
I can feel it. It never leaves me. It is a part of my past that will forever haunt me. No matter what I do it will always be there, waiting to break free. I have tried for so long to keep it inside of me, not letting it out, so that I may never know the pain of it again. I have a new life, with my wife and son, but it still does not leave.
As the days continue it stays, and I fear that I will never be free of it. Maybe I can never leave that part of me behind, as payment for the lives I took in my youth. My wife, Kaoru, tells me that all it is, is a matter of not thinking about it. But it can't be that simple. For ten years I tried to not think about it, and then, in one fight it came back, taking control of me. At the last second I was pulled back but it was difficult, and it proved to me that it was still with me.
My friends tell me that I am free of it, but they do not understand. I am not free of it, and I feel as if I am simply preventing the inevitable, allowing myself to have a few fleeting moments where I can think that I am simply another man. But it's still there, waiting for its chance to resurface and take control again.
As I am thinking this my wife is tending to our child. He looks very much like me, and I can't stop the thoughts that he might grow up like me. I promise myself that for as long as I can, I will protect my son from that part of life. He will be raised learning the ways of the sword that protects, and not of the sword that kills.
I love my family more than anything, but I know that if I cannot control it, I will leave them, to protect them from the terror that comes with it. I will not be able to control it if it resurfaces again, and I know this, which is why I have been avoiding any confrontations for over a year now. But it is inevitable, I will have another fight, and it will take control of me, and I will kill.
Each time I swing my sword I can feel it, almost like it was banging against a door, and each time I swing, it gets closer and closer to forcing that door open. I am not sure how many swings it takes, but each time I can feel it grip me, I can feel the bloodlust fill me and my swings become more viscous, more sharp and controlled. A part of me wants it to come out, wants me to destroy that which is in my way. But I cannot let it out.
My wife has noticed my concerned gaze and smiled at me. Her smile is brilliant, and it would make anyone feel weak. As I stare at her loving face, I have come to a conclusion.
For as long as I can, I will fight against the madness of the hitokiri. And I will never allow the bloodlust to overwhelm me again.
But I know that I cannot control it forever. With each swing of my sword I can feel it, building within me. Every time my sword whistles through the air the name is uttered. The name that I desperately want to leave behind but cannot. Every time my sword connects with something I can feel it grip me, and I fight it, but the name is still uttered, and I will always hear it, and I can't fight it. It is overwhelming me, and I am losing control. The name is uttered once more.
Battousai.
===============
Author's Notes: This was just kicking around in my head. Review it if you feel like it.