Chapter 2: Wing of regret
"You're broken. Destroyed. I am afraid if I breathe in your direction, you might turn into dust and disappear. This is so very sad."
"I know."
"You know? How hard have you really tried to get away with it?"
"I tried with everything I had."
"No, Almasy, you never tried. You ran away like a coward, away from yourself and your old life. You covered yourself up in all the dirt of Gaia and waited for the whole world to walk on your back because you felt that you deserved it. But did you ask yourself what led you to this path? Did you try to improve? Never."
"I...I'm so sorry.."
"Being sorry is useless, Seifer."
Her hand on his shoulder made him jump from both surprise and pain, the broken part of his collarbone screeching against each other.
"And pain isn't the answer."
White sparks whizzed around him, their effect stronger than curaga. Not only did the broken bones in his body immediately healed, but he also found himself completely sober, his mind fresh as if he had just woken up from a long, restful sleep. For the first time in two years, Seifer felt young, and felt alive.
"You're an angel?" He finally asked finding his voice soft and rich, more like the old version of him, the one who stalked students in the Garden's hallways as the head of the disciplinary committee.
"Angel is a rather large concept, but it would be the nearest."
"Why have you come to me? Why now? I've been leading this life for so long."
"Your time has been given to you as a test, Seifer. And you failed. You used that time to turn yourself into a waste of the human kind. So it have been decided that your life was going to an end."
Seifer's breathing caught in his throat. Death. How many lonely nights have he spend all awake cradling a bottle, and wishing upon death to descend and get him? And why, why he didn't killed himself before? The answer hit him hard and tears quickly gathered in his emerald eyes, before falling down his cheeks like a spring fountain. He was afraid, so very afraid of dying. That's why he left all of his demons cover him and eat him until there was nothing left of the old Seifer but shreds and rags. He wanted to live, just didn't knew how. And now, he would never have the chance to find out.
"You..you're here to kill me?" He whispered, his voice shaky.
The angel shook her head. "No. Taking a human life is well under the powers that have been given to me. I am a messenger, and above all, a guardian."
"Guardian?"
"You have been blessed a last chance, Seifer. Your purpose in life has not yet been done. As a dead man, your soul will be processed and given my form. You would become a guardian angel like me, a servant of the heavenly deeds. We offer you to follow the path you have been granted the day you were born, and die a free soul."
"What will become of me?"
"whatever you will choose."
Seifer's tears were now running like a river full of melting snow. He could no longer hold the hard whimpers. He tried to get back on his feet and confront the apparition but only succeeded in stumbling down on all fours, at her feet. But he wouldn't mind pleading, not at all, if it meant staying alive.
"I don't want to die!"
"Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do against their will." Beth pointed a sharp nail at the ceiling. "You can prepare yourself to it. And understand. But above all, you must prepare yourself for the fate that have been laid upon your soul the very day your were created."
"Please." His voice was barely audible.
"As I told you, their will if way above yours. You have no choice, Seifer. You had the choice for two years and chose the wrongest path of all the wrongs."
"What was I supposed to do?"
"It is not my job to answer this. You probably know the answer anyway. As for now, I will leave you. Prepare yourself. Think. And for once, face yourself and the mistake you did."
Her long hand slid under the blonde's chin, cradling the rough skin in her palm and lifting his head to meet her smiling face.
"Will you?" She asked.
"."
"As you wish."
The long wings slowly slid back in their sheath, her skin losing the moony white glow. On a last gesture of goodbye, Beth moved back to the invisible world. Seifer heard the footsteps lead back to the door, then the slight squeaking of it being opened and closed. Her steps led her down the stairs where they drew the attention of a few men who were still sober enough to hear them. The front door opened on a wild sea wind, only to be delicately closed back. Smiling at her own prank on those poor unhealthy souls, Beth walked down the main street and to the pier, where she knew Seifer's victim waited for her to return with fresh news.
(~I~)
About fifteen minutes later, by the time she reached the harbor, the icy wind had already turned into a storm. The swollen sea was crashing back and forth, filled with the heavy rain coming from the low clouds. Beth could actually feel the coldness of the rain against her skin, but it wasn't at all uncomfortable to her. As for most angels, the world of human feelings was a closed chapter for her, and where any human would find himself frozen, she only felt a dim sting of something, almost a tickle.
That's why she wasn't at all surprised to find her friend down the pier, a meter or so above sea level, where a border of sharp rocks had been dumped to form a natural protection against erosion. She was sitting cradled between two rocks, her legs bent and encircled by her pale arms, and her pensive face resting on the top of her knees. Her long hair, blonde as honey, fell limply around her head and down her legs. When she was standing up, it reached her bottom. They were shorter the day her life ended, but she chose this appearance for her immortal form, explaining, with a faint blush, that her job as a SeeD always forced her to keep them shorter than she would have liked them to be. She wasn't at all disturbed by the constant splashing of water around her, even though she was barefoot and wearing only a long-sleeved, white cotton dress. In fact, none of their clothes were even wet. Beth carefully slid down the rocks and sat down beside the blonde, sighing.
"You're still trying to hide from people, aren't you? You know they can't see you if you don't want them to. Why do you keep running from them?"
The blonde sighed through perfect raspberry lips. "I don't know. I just can't stand to walk amongst humans. Not yet. I feel like they can all see me. Like they're staring at me. I guess I'm not accustomed yet. And I know some people could still see me. If someone."
"What, if someone still doesn't believe you're dead? Come on girl, it's been two years! If someone still believed you were alive, they had to be seriously fucked-up! Everyone saw your corpse in the coffin. You had national funerals, broadcasted everywhere. From Balamb to Deling to Centra and even in Shumi Village, they know you are no longer alive. So stop worrying Quistis."
"Yeah.I guess I should."
"You're still young. It will pass. After a few centuries, trust me, you'll be all right."
Quistis laughed along with Beth, knowing the hidden pain under her joke. Beth was one of the lowest-ranked angels around. She was born in a good family, had loving parents, a good home, several sisters and a brother who loved her and protected her. She could have found her way quickly. But she chose to selfishly drown herself in the few sorrows she had, refused to seek for help and eventually destroyed everyone who loved her. She had already served for eight centuries and had at least ten more to come, if she kept following the rules. And even if she regretted her actions as a human, Beth perfectly knew regrets were useless.
"You want to know how he is going?" Beth asked, serious again
"...Yes."
"Bad."
"How bad?"
"Very bad."
"Beth."
"What else do you want me to say? That he will get through it? No way. Their decision is not gonna change."
".I hoped. Will he do it?"
"I chose to let him swallow the idea of his own death for tonight. I didn't talk about it yet. But I will tomorrow, promise."
Quistis only drew her knees tighter against her chest, feeling a shudder that has nothing to do with coldness crept on her spine.
"How horrible.it must be to know your end is near.to know it."
"He's been slowly killing himself for the last 24 months or so. Quistis, stop feeling sorry for him. What he became, he wanted it."
"Can I."
"No, you're not coming with me tomorrow. I already worked my little immortal butt out just to get you allowed to come down to Balamb. Even Fanny couldn't come. So you do as I say."
"Yes of course."
Beth's hard eyes grew softer with a bit of remorse. As a living person, she used to be rough. And being dead didn't change anything to her temper.
"You know the rules, don't you? Please don't get yourself in trouble for him.nor anyone."
"yeah."
"Let's get back."
Both silently stood up mechanically straightening their clothes. Quistis' wings slowly unfolded from their sheath, their luminous green and red colors faded by the grayness around them. Beth waited until Quistis was midway in the air before forcing hers out and following the blonde's tracks.
(~I~)
For a good hour and a half after Beth's departure, Seifer stood naked on the same exact spot, in the same exact pose he had the moment she walked out the door. His now totally sober brain rapidly analyzing what little have been said, and only two words standing out of the mess: Death, coward. Death, coward. Death, coward. The words kept repeating inside his head, echoing endlessly against what his friends of then used to call 'His damn thick skull'
That reminded him of why, two years ago, he had chosen this path. What could be worst than having to think of himself, of the failure he had become the day of Quistis' last breath? Surely death couldn't be as bad. His cold body would return to Gaia. His liberated spirit would...would what? Suffer more? Suffer less? Just damn WHAT?
Coward. Yes that described him just fine. He always escaped and he would still, even with a damn reaper standing behind him. What else could he do, damnit? Accept? No, never. He had made a hell of his life in purpose, to make sure she would get her revenge on what he did to her. Righteous suffering.
And right now that suffering had to be mixed with his best friend, booze. Then he'd just throw a match to inflame the whole mess. That's how it felt right.
His decision made, Seifer slowly stood up to avoid the insane beating inside his skull. He grabbed the clothes from the night before, a pair of dark brown pants stained with things he chose not to think about, and a tight light gray sleeveless shirt that had seen way better days. He slid the black shoes on his feet without bothering to put socks before, then shoved the few gils he had in his front right pocket, along with the key of the room. He already knew he'd still have to rent it in order to have a place to crash after this night.
(~I~)
Yep ladies another short one! I just HAD to cut there, so hurt my muses, not me (will be posting the muses' name and addresses soon for your threatening pleasure * wink *
"You're broken. Destroyed. I am afraid if I breathe in your direction, you might turn into dust and disappear. This is so very sad."
"I know."
"You know? How hard have you really tried to get away with it?"
"I tried with everything I had."
"No, Almasy, you never tried. You ran away like a coward, away from yourself and your old life. You covered yourself up in all the dirt of Gaia and waited for the whole world to walk on your back because you felt that you deserved it. But did you ask yourself what led you to this path? Did you try to improve? Never."
"I...I'm so sorry.."
"Being sorry is useless, Seifer."
Her hand on his shoulder made him jump from both surprise and pain, the broken part of his collarbone screeching against each other.
"And pain isn't the answer."
White sparks whizzed around him, their effect stronger than curaga. Not only did the broken bones in his body immediately healed, but he also found himself completely sober, his mind fresh as if he had just woken up from a long, restful sleep. For the first time in two years, Seifer felt young, and felt alive.
"You're an angel?" He finally asked finding his voice soft and rich, more like the old version of him, the one who stalked students in the Garden's hallways as the head of the disciplinary committee.
"Angel is a rather large concept, but it would be the nearest."
"Why have you come to me? Why now? I've been leading this life for so long."
"Your time has been given to you as a test, Seifer. And you failed. You used that time to turn yourself into a waste of the human kind. So it have been decided that your life was going to an end."
Seifer's breathing caught in his throat. Death. How many lonely nights have he spend all awake cradling a bottle, and wishing upon death to descend and get him? And why, why he didn't killed himself before? The answer hit him hard and tears quickly gathered in his emerald eyes, before falling down his cheeks like a spring fountain. He was afraid, so very afraid of dying. That's why he left all of his demons cover him and eat him until there was nothing left of the old Seifer but shreds and rags. He wanted to live, just didn't knew how. And now, he would never have the chance to find out.
"You..you're here to kill me?" He whispered, his voice shaky.
The angel shook her head. "No. Taking a human life is well under the powers that have been given to me. I am a messenger, and above all, a guardian."
"Guardian?"
"You have been blessed a last chance, Seifer. Your purpose in life has not yet been done. As a dead man, your soul will be processed and given my form. You would become a guardian angel like me, a servant of the heavenly deeds. We offer you to follow the path you have been granted the day you were born, and die a free soul."
"What will become of me?"
"whatever you will choose."
Seifer's tears were now running like a river full of melting snow. He could no longer hold the hard whimpers. He tried to get back on his feet and confront the apparition but only succeeded in stumbling down on all fours, at her feet. But he wouldn't mind pleading, not at all, if it meant staying alive.
"I don't want to die!"
"Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do against their will." Beth pointed a sharp nail at the ceiling. "You can prepare yourself to it. And understand. But above all, you must prepare yourself for the fate that have been laid upon your soul the very day your were created."
"Please." His voice was barely audible.
"As I told you, their will if way above yours. You have no choice, Seifer. You had the choice for two years and chose the wrongest path of all the wrongs."
"What was I supposed to do?"
"It is not my job to answer this. You probably know the answer anyway. As for now, I will leave you. Prepare yourself. Think. And for once, face yourself and the mistake you did."
Her long hand slid under the blonde's chin, cradling the rough skin in her palm and lifting his head to meet her smiling face.
"Will you?" She asked.
"."
"As you wish."
The long wings slowly slid back in their sheath, her skin losing the moony white glow. On a last gesture of goodbye, Beth moved back to the invisible world. Seifer heard the footsteps lead back to the door, then the slight squeaking of it being opened and closed. Her steps led her down the stairs where they drew the attention of a few men who were still sober enough to hear them. The front door opened on a wild sea wind, only to be delicately closed back. Smiling at her own prank on those poor unhealthy souls, Beth walked down the main street and to the pier, where she knew Seifer's victim waited for her to return with fresh news.
(~I~)
About fifteen minutes later, by the time she reached the harbor, the icy wind had already turned into a storm. The swollen sea was crashing back and forth, filled with the heavy rain coming from the low clouds. Beth could actually feel the coldness of the rain against her skin, but it wasn't at all uncomfortable to her. As for most angels, the world of human feelings was a closed chapter for her, and where any human would find himself frozen, she only felt a dim sting of something, almost a tickle.
That's why she wasn't at all surprised to find her friend down the pier, a meter or so above sea level, where a border of sharp rocks had been dumped to form a natural protection against erosion. She was sitting cradled between two rocks, her legs bent and encircled by her pale arms, and her pensive face resting on the top of her knees. Her long hair, blonde as honey, fell limply around her head and down her legs. When she was standing up, it reached her bottom. They were shorter the day her life ended, but she chose this appearance for her immortal form, explaining, with a faint blush, that her job as a SeeD always forced her to keep them shorter than she would have liked them to be. She wasn't at all disturbed by the constant splashing of water around her, even though she was barefoot and wearing only a long-sleeved, white cotton dress. In fact, none of their clothes were even wet. Beth carefully slid down the rocks and sat down beside the blonde, sighing.
"You're still trying to hide from people, aren't you? You know they can't see you if you don't want them to. Why do you keep running from them?"
The blonde sighed through perfect raspberry lips. "I don't know. I just can't stand to walk amongst humans. Not yet. I feel like they can all see me. Like they're staring at me. I guess I'm not accustomed yet. And I know some people could still see me. If someone."
"What, if someone still doesn't believe you're dead? Come on girl, it's been two years! If someone still believed you were alive, they had to be seriously fucked-up! Everyone saw your corpse in the coffin. You had national funerals, broadcasted everywhere. From Balamb to Deling to Centra and even in Shumi Village, they know you are no longer alive. So stop worrying Quistis."
"Yeah.I guess I should."
"You're still young. It will pass. After a few centuries, trust me, you'll be all right."
Quistis laughed along with Beth, knowing the hidden pain under her joke. Beth was one of the lowest-ranked angels around. She was born in a good family, had loving parents, a good home, several sisters and a brother who loved her and protected her. She could have found her way quickly. But she chose to selfishly drown herself in the few sorrows she had, refused to seek for help and eventually destroyed everyone who loved her. She had already served for eight centuries and had at least ten more to come, if she kept following the rules. And even if she regretted her actions as a human, Beth perfectly knew regrets were useless.
"You want to know how he is going?" Beth asked, serious again
"...Yes."
"Bad."
"How bad?"
"Very bad."
"Beth."
"What else do you want me to say? That he will get through it? No way. Their decision is not gonna change."
".I hoped. Will he do it?"
"I chose to let him swallow the idea of his own death for tonight. I didn't talk about it yet. But I will tomorrow, promise."
Quistis only drew her knees tighter against her chest, feeling a shudder that has nothing to do with coldness crept on her spine.
"How horrible.it must be to know your end is near.to know it."
"He's been slowly killing himself for the last 24 months or so. Quistis, stop feeling sorry for him. What he became, he wanted it."
"Can I."
"No, you're not coming with me tomorrow. I already worked my little immortal butt out just to get you allowed to come down to Balamb. Even Fanny couldn't come. So you do as I say."
"Yes of course."
Beth's hard eyes grew softer with a bit of remorse. As a living person, she used to be rough. And being dead didn't change anything to her temper.
"You know the rules, don't you? Please don't get yourself in trouble for him.nor anyone."
"yeah."
"Let's get back."
Both silently stood up mechanically straightening their clothes. Quistis' wings slowly unfolded from their sheath, their luminous green and red colors faded by the grayness around them. Beth waited until Quistis was midway in the air before forcing hers out and following the blonde's tracks.
(~I~)
For a good hour and a half after Beth's departure, Seifer stood naked on the same exact spot, in the same exact pose he had the moment she walked out the door. His now totally sober brain rapidly analyzing what little have been said, and only two words standing out of the mess: Death, coward. Death, coward. Death, coward. The words kept repeating inside his head, echoing endlessly against what his friends of then used to call 'His damn thick skull'
That reminded him of why, two years ago, he had chosen this path. What could be worst than having to think of himself, of the failure he had become the day of Quistis' last breath? Surely death couldn't be as bad. His cold body would return to Gaia. His liberated spirit would...would what? Suffer more? Suffer less? Just damn WHAT?
Coward. Yes that described him just fine. He always escaped and he would still, even with a damn reaper standing behind him. What else could he do, damnit? Accept? No, never. He had made a hell of his life in purpose, to make sure she would get her revenge on what he did to her. Righteous suffering.
And right now that suffering had to be mixed with his best friend, booze. Then he'd just throw a match to inflame the whole mess. That's how it felt right.
His decision made, Seifer slowly stood up to avoid the insane beating inside his skull. He grabbed the clothes from the night before, a pair of dark brown pants stained with things he chose not to think about, and a tight light gray sleeveless shirt that had seen way better days. He slid the black shoes on his feet without bothering to put socks before, then shoved the few gils he had in his front right pocket, along with the key of the room. He already knew he'd still have to rent it in order to have a place to crash after this night.
(~I~)
Yep ladies another short one! I just HAD to cut there, so hurt my muses, not me (will be posting the muses' name and addresses soon for your threatening pleasure * wink *