The others arrived back after their mission. It had gone completely without hitch. They all entered through the front door and went to the living room, discussing the mission between them. They didn't notie the open laptop sitting on the desk.
"Duo!" Heero called. "We're back!"
They heard a door upstairs slam with unnecessary force. The footsteps on the stairs were like thunder. The four pilots exchanged glances before Duo entered the room.
His face was contorted by rage and pain, his eyes were blazing violet fury. They had never seen him so angry.
"You guys have got a hell of a lot of explaining to do," he growled. His fingers clutched the doorjamb so tight they were white. His teeth were clenched tight as if he were trying to keep soemthing from escaping.
"Duo, what's wrong?" Quatre asked.
"What the fuck did you think you were playing at!" Duo cried. There were tears in his eyes. "How long did you think you could go on before I found out!"
It was as if they'd all been flung into a vat of icy water. Dear God…He'd found out.
"Duo – "
"Don't you even think about talking to me, Heero Yuy!" Duo snarled.
"Duo, just calm down, let us explain," Trowa started.
"They fuck I will!" Duo cried again. "What were you trying to do, huh? See how long you could keep fooling me until I found out?"
"Duo, please – " Quatre started.
"Don't call me that!" the boy wailed. The tears fell down his face. "Don't you understand! I'm not Duo Maxwell! I'm a fucked up science experiment! I'm not – " His voice was choked off by sobs. None of them could move. All was falling apart in front of their eyes but they were frozen and so could not jump to catch the pieces.
No, no…the words kept repeating in Heero's head uselessly. He felt them hammering at the inside of his hgead as if he would go mad. This is not fair, this is not fair! He's mine! You can't take him away, not now!
"Please listen to us," Wufei said.
"No!" Duo cried. "I'll never listen to any of you ever again! You used me, you all used me!"
"Duo," Heero started again, coming forward. He couldn't bare this…he simply couldn't bare it.
"Keep away from me," Duo said, backing away. "How could you do that to me, Heero? How could you use me like this…"
"I didn't – "
"But you didn't use me! It's not me! I'm not me!" Duo howled. "All this I've felt, all this I've thought, it's not mine! I'm not me!" He wrapped his arms around himself and turned his back on them. "How could you all do this to me?"
"Duo, I love you!" Heero cried desperatly, not caring who heard. Those three words, they were so hard to utter, they had to be worth something! They had always eased everything in the past, they had to work now.
"Don't you dare say that to me!" Duo cried, swinging around, but his voice was tear-choked. They could all see it was tearing him apart. He knew he loved Heero, but he also knew that it wasn't his own feeling. "Get this into your head, Yuy! Duo's dead, I'm not Duo! I'm dead, he's dead! You're alone! But you used me!"
"No," Heero pleaded. "You don't understand."
"Too right I don't…" Duo calmed for a moment. "I'm leaving. Don't even try coming after me. I'm not coming back."
Duo turned and headed to the door, Heero sprinted after. "Duo, you promised you wouldn't leave me!"
"No, Heero," the boy said, not turning around to face him. "Duo promised he wouldn't leave you. Those were Duo's words, Duo's feelings. They're not mine…nothing is mine…"
And he left. He didn't come back.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The mood in the safe house was bitter for many days afterward. They waited out the rest of the month and beyond, but Duo didn't return. They didn't really expect him to. They were all very quiet. Their faith in their very selves had all been shaken to the core. They all knew, deep down inside, that it was not their fault. But the guilt and the hurt took a long time to abate.
Heero suffered badly. He had gone through months of turmoil trying to learn not to be affected by his emotions. Duo had turned up and ripped apart all of that. Heero trusted him and let himself be torn, letting his emotions once more be a part of him. But Duo had left him. Now those emotions he had spent years trying to control came on him in a constant rush that he could not understand how to control. Tears, anger, violent outbursts and then more tears. He could not understand why everything always went wrong for him.Slowly, he calmed. His emotions spent, what remained simply froze over. No one cared for him,s o why should he care for anyone else?
This realisation and new attitude of Heero's became unbearable for the others. He accepted no sympathy from anyone. He refused any offers of help, he even abandoned the concepts of politeness and simple consideration for others' feelings. He became downright sadistic. The others gave up trying to comfort him. They had their own wounds to lick.
So weeks melded into months. The peace talks were a success and peace came to the earth sphere. Life slid into a calm and soothing series of repetitions. It seemed rather an anticlimax.
The four pilots stuck together out of habit for a while after, not really feeling that they could belong anywhere anymore. But they soon drifted apart. Trowa and Quatre went together to L3, Wufei went back to his homeland in the orient and Heero…disappeared. He simply left without word to anyone. No one was very surprised and no one wasted concern on him. None of them any longer were on the best of terms with Heero any more. He treated them unfairly and any worry given about his welfare would be wasted.
And so he disappered and no one saw him or even heard from him for months. Quatre and Trowa stayed together, the happiest of them all since they had each other to help them get back to their lives. Wufei kept in touch with them to the extent so that they could always get hold of each other if it were needed.
Hurt faded and grudges eased away slowly. They no longer thought of Heero with bitterness. He was just a young man who had been hurt too many times. They occasionally caught sight of him or got some lead as to where he was and occasionally they met. But they never really talked.
But they all returned to lives of relative normalcy.
The months eased into years…
"Duo!" Heero called. "We're back!"
They heard a door upstairs slam with unnecessary force. The footsteps on the stairs were like thunder. The four pilots exchanged glances before Duo entered the room.
His face was contorted by rage and pain, his eyes were blazing violet fury. They had never seen him so angry.
"You guys have got a hell of a lot of explaining to do," he growled. His fingers clutched the doorjamb so tight they were white. His teeth were clenched tight as if he were trying to keep soemthing from escaping.
"Duo, what's wrong?" Quatre asked.
"What the fuck did you think you were playing at!" Duo cried. There were tears in his eyes. "How long did you think you could go on before I found out!"
It was as if they'd all been flung into a vat of icy water. Dear God…He'd found out.
"Duo – "
"Don't you even think about talking to me, Heero Yuy!" Duo snarled.
"Duo, just calm down, let us explain," Trowa started.
"They fuck I will!" Duo cried again. "What were you trying to do, huh? See how long you could keep fooling me until I found out?"
"Duo, please – " Quatre started.
"Don't call me that!" the boy wailed. The tears fell down his face. "Don't you understand! I'm not Duo Maxwell! I'm a fucked up science experiment! I'm not – " His voice was choked off by sobs. None of them could move. All was falling apart in front of their eyes but they were frozen and so could not jump to catch the pieces.
No, no…the words kept repeating in Heero's head uselessly. He felt them hammering at the inside of his hgead as if he would go mad. This is not fair, this is not fair! He's mine! You can't take him away, not now!
"Please listen to us," Wufei said.
"No!" Duo cried. "I'll never listen to any of you ever again! You used me, you all used me!"
"Duo," Heero started again, coming forward. He couldn't bare this…he simply couldn't bare it.
"Keep away from me," Duo said, backing away. "How could you do that to me, Heero? How could you use me like this…"
"I didn't – "
"But you didn't use me! It's not me! I'm not me!" Duo howled. "All this I've felt, all this I've thought, it's not mine! I'm not me!" He wrapped his arms around himself and turned his back on them. "How could you all do this to me?"
"Duo, I love you!" Heero cried desperatly, not caring who heard. Those three words, they were so hard to utter, they had to be worth something! They had always eased everything in the past, they had to work now.
"Don't you dare say that to me!" Duo cried, swinging around, but his voice was tear-choked. They could all see it was tearing him apart. He knew he loved Heero, but he also knew that it wasn't his own feeling. "Get this into your head, Yuy! Duo's dead, I'm not Duo! I'm dead, he's dead! You're alone! But you used me!"
"No," Heero pleaded. "You don't understand."
"Too right I don't…" Duo calmed for a moment. "I'm leaving. Don't even try coming after me. I'm not coming back."
Duo turned and headed to the door, Heero sprinted after. "Duo, you promised you wouldn't leave me!"
"No, Heero," the boy said, not turning around to face him. "Duo promised he wouldn't leave you. Those were Duo's words, Duo's feelings. They're not mine…nothing is mine…"
And he left. He didn't come back.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The mood in the safe house was bitter for many days afterward. They waited out the rest of the month and beyond, but Duo didn't return. They didn't really expect him to. They were all very quiet. Their faith in their very selves had all been shaken to the core. They all knew, deep down inside, that it was not their fault. But the guilt and the hurt took a long time to abate.
Heero suffered badly. He had gone through months of turmoil trying to learn not to be affected by his emotions. Duo had turned up and ripped apart all of that. Heero trusted him and let himself be torn, letting his emotions once more be a part of him. But Duo had left him. Now those emotions he had spent years trying to control came on him in a constant rush that he could not understand how to control. Tears, anger, violent outbursts and then more tears. He could not understand why everything always went wrong for him.Slowly, he calmed. His emotions spent, what remained simply froze over. No one cared for him,s o why should he care for anyone else?
This realisation and new attitude of Heero's became unbearable for the others. He accepted no sympathy from anyone. He refused any offers of help, he even abandoned the concepts of politeness and simple consideration for others' feelings. He became downright sadistic. The others gave up trying to comfort him. They had their own wounds to lick.
So weeks melded into months. The peace talks were a success and peace came to the earth sphere. Life slid into a calm and soothing series of repetitions. It seemed rather an anticlimax.
The four pilots stuck together out of habit for a while after, not really feeling that they could belong anywhere anymore. But they soon drifted apart. Trowa and Quatre went together to L3, Wufei went back to his homeland in the orient and Heero…disappeared. He simply left without word to anyone. No one was very surprised and no one wasted concern on him. None of them any longer were on the best of terms with Heero any more. He treated them unfairly and any worry given about his welfare would be wasted.
And so he disappered and no one saw him or even heard from him for months. Quatre and Trowa stayed together, the happiest of them all since they had each other to help them get back to their lives. Wufei kept in touch with them to the extent so that they could always get hold of each other if it were needed.
Hurt faded and grudges eased away slowly. They no longer thought of Heero with bitterness. He was just a young man who had been hurt too many times. They occasionally caught sight of him or got some lead as to where he was and occasionally they met. But they never really talked.
But they all returned to lives of relative normalcy.
The months eased into years…