"Good morning all," Relena greeted them brightly as they all turned up for breakfast next morning. It was funny, even after all these years the boys still instinctively timed getting up in the morning to coincide with everyone else, so they all entered the dining room within seconds of each other. "I trust you liked your rooms," Relena carried on.
"Yes, it was lovely, thank you Miss Relena," Quatre said.
"Yes," Heero said softly as he sat down. "Thank you for the flowers."
All started at him for a moment. Heero looked almost content.
"Your welcome Heero!" Relena was positively beaming. "I asked the gardener to put flowers in all your rooms personally."
"How did you know about the lilies?" Heero asked in his still stony voice as he started in on his breakfast.
"I didn't," Relena said off-handedly as she requested some more orange juice from a servant. "I told the gardener to choose."
Heero paused. White lilies…just a coincidence?
Breakfast finished up and more guests started to arrive for the party that evening. Much to Relena's consternation (and Heero's relief) she had to go off to greet the arriving guests so they didn't see much of her for the rest of the morning.
That evening, Heero stood with a glass of champagne in his best suit and stared around the hall dully. He never enjoyed this sort of thing. Sure, he knew a lot of the people in there, but he never enjoyed talking. Wufei was off somewhere, drunkenly flirting far beyond what was normally characteristic of him and Trowa and Quatre were dancing slowly together on the dance floor. Even the jealousy Heero felt when he watched them was half-hearted. He just didn't have the heart to do anything any more.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeero!" Relena's voice called.
One thought entered Heero's mind: run. He downed the rest of his champagne and stumbled out some large, open French windows into the waning sunlight. The noise and heat of the party disappeared behind him in a gaudy mist of show and pomp. He escaped out into the cool air of the evening and felt as though he had got out of the inferno and into a world of snow and ice. It did not burn him, but chilled him slowly.
He ignored it and strolled out further into the gardens. Green bushes surrounded him and seemed to embrace him. As he ventured further the beauty unfurled around him. In the waning sunlight, the flowers were closing for the night, but all the arrangements and symmetry and the sheer mass of colour that screamed in the silence delved deep inside him to a place that had been shut up for years. It just reminded him of a distant feeling…a dream of a dream.
He stopped in a small garden, tall bushes curving around a stone fountain that gently sprayed forth its crystalline liquid silver with a soothing sound of trickling water. There were no bushes at the west end of the garden, leaving it open to the sunset. Heero sat on the edge of the fountain and watched the sun slowly sink away from him.
As he sat there, surrounded by the beauty that was slowly closing away for the dark night, the sun rolling away from him, taking with it warmth and light, he started to look in on himself in a way he had not done in so long. He did not understand why the sunset effected him so much, he just knew it did.
Just as the sun was almost completely gone, a gardener, pushing wearily at a wheelbarrow, came into sight. The stranger, not noticing Heero, stood for a moment, silhouetted against the setting sun and watched the day retreating in silence. He turned around and moved his barrow up to a bed close to Heero and unloaded two potted geraniums onto the grass by the bed. With professional keenness, he knelt and started digging in the clean soil to make space for them. However, his gaze kept flicking back to the sunset.
Heero shifted. The gardener realised he was not alone. He startled. "Dear God!" he exclaimed, spinning around on his knees and falling into a clumsy sitting position.. He took a few deep breaths before calming down. "Sorry, pal," he said. "Didn't see you there." He stood up and dusted his hands off. His face, what Heero could see of it, was pleasant, but there was something missing from the way he smiled. His sleeves were rolled up away from his grubby hands to reveal slim arms. Heero watched him lazily. His movements were so easy and free. Heero felt something stir…
"You here for the party, huh?" he asked in a friendly manner.
Heero did not reply.
Something caught the gardener's eye over Heero's shoulder.
"Well," the gardener said as he hoisted his barrow. "Here comes the boss. G'nite, sir." The man touched his peaked cap and wheeled his barrow away.
'The boss' (namely, Relena) sat down next to Heero on the fountain edge. "Hee-chan," she admonished. "What are you doing out here all by yourself?"
"Just thinking," Heero replied bluntly, still watching the gardener until he rounded a corner and disappeared. "Who was that?"
Relena looked at the place where the gardener had disappeared. "That's my head gardener," she turned back to Heero. "Heero," she said softly. "Why are you so quiet? Why won't you tell me what you're feeling? I could help you – "
"Is he good?"
"Nani?"
"Is he good…at gardening?"
"He's good," Relena replied, surprised and agitated about the change in subject. "The gardens
have never been so spectacular," she admitted grudgingly.
Heero nodded. He made no response to any of Relena's previous queries. He just sat and ignored her. Relena was not perturbed, but decided the silence was kind of romantic so she let it hang for a while.
To her surprise, it was Heero that broke the silence. "Relena, could I ask you a favour?"
Relena followed Heero's gaze. It was still watching to the spot where her gardener had disappeared. As she looked at the way he was gazing, it made her realise suddenly that she would never win him over now. Something twisted in her. She understood something that was beyond understanding, beyond life, beyond death, beyond love. "Yes, Heero," she said with the most sincerity she had ever felt. "Whatever you wish."
Heero did not look at her. "I would love some more white lilies."
Relena nodded. She knew that Heero would never be hers. Somehow, she knew now. Heero had never been hers but…if she could not make him happy herself, she would help him be happy with someone else. She kissed him once on the cheek and raised from the bench to leave. "Anything you wish, my love," she whispered before leaving him to watch the sunset alone.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was the next day. Heero turned around as he heard the door opening. In walked the young gardener with an arm full of pristine white lilies, as delicate as glass, as fine as crystal. He looked up and saw Heero standing by the window.
"Beg your pardon," he said. "I thought you'd be out. Boss says you want some more lilies."
"That is correct," said Heero, something indefinable in his voice and gaze.
"They're good this year," the gardener said as he laid the flowers upon the bedside table along with the others.
"Better," Heero said. He walked closer to the young man.
The gardener's face momentarily flattened at Heero's word. He backed off slightly as Heero approached. A grin once more plastered itself back over his face. "Well, if that's all you're wanting, sir, I'll just be toddling along – "
"No," said Heero. He grabbed the gardener's hand as he turned to leave. "I want to speak to you." His hand felt soft, like lily petals.
"I'm sorry sir," the young man said in a soft, doubtful voice. He did not meet Heero's eyes. "I have work to do."
"Duo…" Heero said. "Don't push me away, please. Please don't run away again."
"I'm sorry, sir," the young man said, turning away and half-heartedly trying to pull his wrist out of Heero's grip. "I'm not Duo. My name's Church, Max Church. You must have mistaken me for someone else."
"You are him," Heero said. For the first time in years, his brain was working properly. The pain was still burning as bright as it had been, but Heero had learned to control it. He never thought this moment would come. But it had and it seemed like he'd been preparing for it. He knew his feelings now and he knew exactly what to say. The boy wasn't property for him to keep. If he wanted to go then Heero would let him. But Heero knew, somehow, that the boy didn't want to go.
"Heero, please," the boy did not try to pull away. "You've hurt me enough already."
"You don't understand, Duo," Heero said. He turned the boy around to face him. He was still as beautiful as he remembered, but his eyes were downcast and the light that once sparkled there was gone. "I never wanted to hurt you, neither you or the part of you that died. Why can't you understand that you are the same person?"
"Because we're not, Heero," Duo shook his head. "I'm not even a person. I was never born, I didn't grow up…everything I thought was mine is stolen."
"No," Heero insisted. He lifted up a hand and took the boy's cap off. Cropped, silky hair fell to his neck and framed his face, curving around it delicately as two hands embrace a shell. It was as if Duo had tried to cut away everything he thought belonged to someone else. "Not stolen, not copied. Duo, all those things that you felt go up to make who you are. That makes them yours and no one else's. You are still an individual…you are still exactly the same person as you remember."
His eyes raised to meet Heero's, amethyst pools misted with tears. "I've moved on now Heero," he said. "I've forgotten everything that never belonged to me. I'm Max Church now, I work for Miss Relena. I've never met you before and it's been nice talking with you, but I'd like to go now." He turned away again and pulled at his trapped wrist.
"Duo," Heero deliberately did not call him 'Max'. "Listen to me. Whether you want to believe it or not, you know that what I've said is true. It's just your morals that are getting in the way. You know I'm right, don't you? You know you're Duo! You know that's why I love you!"
The boy paused. "Please don't say that Heero," he said. "If you say it then I'm going to fall again and run to you even though I know it's wrong."
"Duo, don't you see!" Heero cried. He felt tears in his own eyes now. "It's not wrong! You are who you are, Duo! You died, but you were brought back! You're not a copy. You are exactly the same person, you have the same memories, the same characteristics, the same reactions to everything!" Heero sighed and pulled the boy close to him. He came, but didn't turn to face the Japanese boy. Heero wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his hair and just held him there. He couldn't believe it. He knew he was right. All the self-torture and self-doubt he had gone through vanished and he knew that something couldn't be this perfect and wrong. He knew Duo felt it too, but was too reluctant to accept it.
"Not a day has gone by when I haven't stopped loving you, Heero," he whispered. "But all the time I was terrified that the love I felt was something that wasn't mine."
"It is yours, Duo," Heero whispered. "I'm yours…forever."
Duo turned in Heero's arms to look at him. A rage of emotions battled in his eyes. "It's a sin that this should feel so strongly right. Your not mine Heero…you belong to Duo…"
"That's right," Heero said. "I belong to him, heart body and soul. I belong to you." Heero leant forward and brushed his lips tenderly against the other boy's. Tentatively, still giving him time to leave if he really wanted to. He didn't pull away. Heero felt his fire reaching out to try and coax Duo forward, back into the warmth, back where he knew he belonged.
Heero's kiss grew bolder and he pulled Duo close to him, wrapping his arms around his waist.
"Heero…" Duo murmured in between kisses. And he fell. He fell because he was supposed to fall. He wrapped his arms around Heero's neck and kissed him deeply, savoring the tastes and feelings he had missed. He missed them like he missed his hair because they had been a part of him. He understood. He loved Heero more than passion could allow. He knew that feeling that strong could not be fake, he knew it could not be created in a laboratory.
"You cut your hair," said Heero as he kissed Duo's jaw.
"I thought it was wrong to keep it," Duo said. "Though it felt right."
"If it felt right, it was right, Duo," Heero insisted, running his fingers through the short locks.
"I've missed it," Duo replied, kissing Heero below his ear.
"It's yours, Duo," Heero said. "Along with everything else. Grow it back."
Duo smiled against Heero's neck. "Ok," he said. "I want it back…it is mine."
It gave Heero hope to hear him say those words with such certainty. "Thank you for the lilies."
"Duo knew you liked them," he said reluctantly. Then, more bravely, "No, I knew you like them. I knew."
"Say it, Duo," Heero said as he nuzzled his neck.
"I'm Duo," he murmured.
"Stronger…"
"I'm Duo Maxwell," Duo said, realisation and sincerity crashing into him like sweet sea breakers at the ocean's edge. He laughed joyously. "I'm Duo Maxwell and I love Heero Yuy."
Heero smiled the first genuine smile he had smiled ever. He stroked Duo's hair, still silky though a lot was missing. He drank in the face that he realised he could not live without. He was only half a person without it. And it was now smiling, though happy tears danced in the violet eyes.
"You were always there to take away my doubts," Duo whispered, reaching far back, to memories that he now accepted as his own.
"And I'll be with you to take away any more," Heero replied. "I'm yours, Duo Maxwell. Forever."
Fin
Author's note: I just want to say a huge thank you to every single one of you who reviewed this story. I really enjoyed writing it and it makes me extremely happy to know that so many of you were kind enough to take the time to tell me what you thought of it. Thank you for all your support,.Jex xxxx
"Yes, it was lovely, thank you Miss Relena," Quatre said.
"Yes," Heero said softly as he sat down. "Thank you for the flowers."
All started at him for a moment. Heero looked almost content.
"Your welcome Heero!" Relena was positively beaming. "I asked the gardener to put flowers in all your rooms personally."
"How did you know about the lilies?" Heero asked in his still stony voice as he started in on his breakfast.
"I didn't," Relena said off-handedly as she requested some more orange juice from a servant. "I told the gardener to choose."
Heero paused. White lilies…just a coincidence?
Breakfast finished up and more guests started to arrive for the party that evening. Much to Relena's consternation (and Heero's relief) she had to go off to greet the arriving guests so they didn't see much of her for the rest of the morning.
That evening, Heero stood with a glass of champagne in his best suit and stared around the hall dully. He never enjoyed this sort of thing. Sure, he knew a lot of the people in there, but he never enjoyed talking. Wufei was off somewhere, drunkenly flirting far beyond what was normally characteristic of him and Trowa and Quatre were dancing slowly together on the dance floor. Even the jealousy Heero felt when he watched them was half-hearted. He just didn't have the heart to do anything any more.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeero!" Relena's voice called.
One thought entered Heero's mind: run. He downed the rest of his champagne and stumbled out some large, open French windows into the waning sunlight. The noise and heat of the party disappeared behind him in a gaudy mist of show and pomp. He escaped out into the cool air of the evening and felt as though he had got out of the inferno and into a world of snow and ice. It did not burn him, but chilled him slowly.
He ignored it and strolled out further into the gardens. Green bushes surrounded him and seemed to embrace him. As he ventured further the beauty unfurled around him. In the waning sunlight, the flowers were closing for the night, but all the arrangements and symmetry and the sheer mass of colour that screamed in the silence delved deep inside him to a place that had been shut up for years. It just reminded him of a distant feeling…a dream of a dream.
He stopped in a small garden, tall bushes curving around a stone fountain that gently sprayed forth its crystalline liquid silver with a soothing sound of trickling water. There were no bushes at the west end of the garden, leaving it open to the sunset. Heero sat on the edge of the fountain and watched the sun slowly sink away from him.
As he sat there, surrounded by the beauty that was slowly closing away for the dark night, the sun rolling away from him, taking with it warmth and light, he started to look in on himself in a way he had not done in so long. He did not understand why the sunset effected him so much, he just knew it did.
Just as the sun was almost completely gone, a gardener, pushing wearily at a wheelbarrow, came into sight. The stranger, not noticing Heero, stood for a moment, silhouetted against the setting sun and watched the day retreating in silence. He turned around and moved his barrow up to a bed close to Heero and unloaded two potted geraniums onto the grass by the bed. With professional keenness, he knelt and started digging in the clean soil to make space for them. However, his gaze kept flicking back to the sunset.
Heero shifted. The gardener realised he was not alone. He startled. "Dear God!" he exclaimed, spinning around on his knees and falling into a clumsy sitting position.. He took a few deep breaths before calming down. "Sorry, pal," he said. "Didn't see you there." He stood up and dusted his hands off. His face, what Heero could see of it, was pleasant, but there was something missing from the way he smiled. His sleeves were rolled up away from his grubby hands to reveal slim arms. Heero watched him lazily. His movements were so easy and free. Heero felt something stir…
"You here for the party, huh?" he asked in a friendly manner.
Heero did not reply.
Something caught the gardener's eye over Heero's shoulder.
"Well," the gardener said as he hoisted his barrow. "Here comes the boss. G'nite, sir." The man touched his peaked cap and wheeled his barrow away.
'The boss' (namely, Relena) sat down next to Heero on the fountain edge. "Hee-chan," she admonished. "What are you doing out here all by yourself?"
"Just thinking," Heero replied bluntly, still watching the gardener until he rounded a corner and disappeared. "Who was that?"
Relena looked at the place where the gardener had disappeared. "That's my head gardener," she turned back to Heero. "Heero," she said softly. "Why are you so quiet? Why won't you tell me what you're feeling? I could help you – "
"Is he good?"
"Nani?"
"Is he good…at gardening?"
"He's good," Relena replied, surprised and agitated about the change in subject. "The gardens
have never been so spectacular," she admitted grudgingly.
Heero nodded. He made no response to any of Relena's previous queries. He just sat and ignored her. Relena was not perturbed, but decided the silence was kind of romantic so she let it hang for a while.
To her surprise, it was Heero that broke the silence. "Relena, could I ask you a favour?"
Relena followed Heero's gaze. It was still watching to the spot where her gardener had disappeared. As she looked at the way he was gazing, it made her realise suddenly that she would never win him over now. Something twisted in her. She understood something that was beyond understanding, beyond life, beyond death, beyond love. "Yes, Heero," she said with the most sincerity she had ever felt. "Whatever you wish."
Heero did not look at her. "I would love some more white lilies."
Relena nodded. She knew that Heero would never be hers. Somehow, she knew now. Heero had never been hers but…if she could not make him happy herself, she would help him be happy with someone else. She kissed him once on the cheek and raised from the bench to leave. "Anything you wish, my love," she whispered before leaving him to watch the sunset alone.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was the next day. Heero turned around as he heard the door opening. In walked the young gardener with an arm full of pristine white lilies, as delicate as glass, as fine as crystal. He looked up and saw Heero standing by the window.
"Beg your pardon," he said. "I thought you'd be out. Boss says you want some more lilies."
"That is correct," said Heero, something indefinable in his voice and gaze.
"They're good this year," the gardener said as he laid the flowers upon the bedside table along with the others.
"Better," Heero said. He walked closer to the young man.
The gardener's face momentarily flattened at Heero's word. He backed off slightly as Heero approached. A grin once more plastered itself back over his face. "Well, if that's all you're wanting, sir, I'll just be toddling along – "
"No," said Heero. He grabbed the gardener's hand as he turned to leave. "I want to speak to you." His hand felt soft, like lily petals.
"I'm sorry sir," the young man said in a soft, doubtful voice. He did not meet Heero's eyes. "I have work to do."
"Duo…" Heero said. "Don't push me away, please. Please don't run away again."
"I'm sorry, sir," the young man said, turning away and half-heartedly trying to pull his wrist out of Heero's grip. "I'm not Duo. My name's Church, Max Church. You must have mistaken me for someone else."
"You are him," Heero said. For the first time in years, his brain was working properly. The pain was still burning as bright as it had been, but Heero had learned to control it. He never thought this moment would come. But it had and it seemed like he'd been preparing for it. He knew his feelings now and he knew exactly what to say. The boy wasn't property for him to keep. If he wanted to go then Heero would let him. But Heero knew, somehow, that the boy didn't want to go.
"Heero, please," the boy did not try to pull away. "You've hurt me enough already."
"You don't understand, Duo," Heero said. He turned the boy around to face him. He was still as beautiful as he remembered, but his eyes were downcast and the light that once sparkled there was gone. "I never wanted to hurt you, neither you or the part of you that died. Why can't you understand that you are the same person?"
"Because we're not, Heero," Duo shook his head. "I'm not even a person. I was never born, I didn't grow up…everything I thought was mine is stolen."
"No," Heero insisted. He lifted up a hand and took the boy's cap off. Cropped, silky hair fell to his neck and framed his face, curving around it delicately as two hands embrace a shell. It was as if Duo had tried to cut away everything he thought belonged to someone else. "Not stolen, not copied. Duo, all those things that you felt go up to make who you are. That makes them yours and no one else's. You are still an individual…you are still exactly the same person as you remember."
His eyes raised to meet Heero's, amethyst pools misted with tears. "I've moved on now Heero," he said. "I've forgotten everything that never belonged to me. I'm Max Church now, I work for Miss Relena. I've never met you before and it's been nice talking with you, but I'd like to go now." He turned away again and pulled at his trapped wrist.
"Duo," Heero deliberately did not call him 'Max'. "Listen to me. Whether you want to believe it or not, you know that what I've said is true. It's just your morals that are getting in the way. You know I'm right, don't you? You know you're Duo! You know that's why I love you!"
The boy paused. "Please don't say that Heero," he said. "If you say it then I'm going to fall again and run to you even though I know it's wrong."
"Duo, don't you see!" Heero cried. He felt tears in his own eyes now. "It's not wrong! You are who you are, Duo! You died, but you were brought back! You're not a copy. You are exactly the same person, you have the same memories, the same characteristics, the same reactions to everything!" Heero sighed and pulled the boy close to him. He came, but didn't turn to face the Japanese boy. Heero wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his hair and just held him there. He couldn't believe it. He knew he was right. All the self-torture and self-doubt he had gone through vanished and he knew that something couldn't be this perfect and wrong. He knew Duo felt it too, but was too reluctant to accept it.
"Not a day has gone by when I haven't stopped loving you, Heero," he whispered. "But all the time I was terrified that the love I felt was something that wasn't mine."
"It is yours, Duo," Heero whispered. "I'm yours…forever."
Duo turned in Heero's arms to look at him. A rage of emotions battled in his eyes. "It's a sin that this should feel so strongly right. Your not mine Heero…you belong to Duo…"
"That's right," Heero said. "I belong to him, heart body and soul. I belong to you." Heero leant forward and brushed his lips tenderly against the other boy's. Tentatively, still giving him time to leave if he really wanted to. He didn't pull away. Heero felt his fire reaching out to try and coax Duo forward, back into the warmth, back where he knew he belonged.
Heero's kiss grew bolder and he pulled Duo close to him, wrapping his arms around his waist.
"Heero…" Duo murmured in between kisses. And he fell. He fell because he was supposed to fall. He wrapped his arms around Heero's neck and kissed him deeply, savoring the tastes and feelings he had missed. He missed them like he missed his hair because they had been a part of him. He understood. He loved Heero more than passion could allow. He knew that feeling that strong could not be fake, he knew it could not be created in a laboratory.
"You cut your hair," said Heero as he kissed Duo's jaw.
"I thought it was wrong to keep it," Duo said. "Though it felt right."
"If it felt right, it was right, Duo," Heero insisted, running his fingers through the short locks.
"I've missed it," Duo replied, kissing Heero below his ear.
"It's yours, Duo," Heero said. "Along with everything else. Grow it back."
Duo smiled against Heero's neck. "Ok," he said. "I want it back…it is mine."
It gave Heero hope to hear him say those words with such certainty. "Thank you for the lilies."
"Duo knew you liked them," he said reluctantly. Then, more bravely, "No, I knew you like them. I knew."
"Say it, Duo," Heero said as he nuzzled his neck.
"I'm Duo," he murmured.
"Stronger…"
"I'm Duo Maxwell," Duo said, realisation and sincerity crashing into him like sweet sea breakers at the ocean's edge. He laughed joyously. "I'm Duo Maxwell and I love Heero Yuy."
Heero smiled the first genuine smile he had smiled ever. He stroked Duo's hair, still silky though a lot was missing. He drank in the face that he realised he could not live without. He was only half a person without it. And it was now smiling, though happy tears danced in the violet eyes.
"You were always there to take away my doubts," Duo whispered, reaching far back, to memories that he now accepted as his own.
"And I'll be with you to take away any more," Heero replied. "I'm yours, Duo Maxwell. Forever."
Fin
Author's note: I just want to say a huge thank you to every single one of you who reviewed this story. I really enjoyed writing it and it makes me extremely happy to know that so many of you were kind enough to take the time to tell me what you thought of it. Thank you for all your support,.Jex xxxx