Disclaimer: Star Trek does not belong to me (EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode), Max Q., Boltini, or Sundance. We are not Ferengi. We make no profit from this.

A/N: This was written as an entry for the competition between the lounges creative writing contest. Pardon us if it doesn't make sense, or if you find any plot holes or inconsistencies; we didn't have a chance to edit it in its entirety before the deadline came. Also, I realize it doesn't have very much to do with Star Trek -- just take it as a peek into the non-Starfleet environment of Earth.


EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
It was a very boring day. The person known as Dying Ensign was wandering around the currently empty lounge, pondering anything interesting enough to pass the time. She wasn't even sure what or who she was waiting for. She just seemed to be existing at this point. With a sigh, Dying Ensign walked over to the window and stared outside. The silence in the lounge amplified a faint, rhythmic sound coming from somewhere outside. The expression on Dying Ensign's face changed from interest to amazement as an emu came trotting down the road. Blinking, she left the window and sat down in an overstuffed chair to ponder this latest interest in her currently mundane life.

Max Q.
As Max Q. found his way into the lounge, he idly wondered if command was truly the path that he was meant for. After all, he'd directed a play or two, and always semed to be one of the people that others turned to in a crisis, but... well, sometimes he liked just being one of the guys, not always the guy. It was a conundrum. He gave a friendly wave to Dying Ensign, wondering once again what her parents were thinking with that name, and went to order a raktajino. It was then that he saw the emu.

"Excuse me," he asked D.E., "but was that an emu? And if so - how did it get out of the zoo?"

boltini3000
The back door burst open and Boltini flew through it like a bat out of hell. He rolled across the floor, then fiercely pushed himself to his feet. He glanced quickly at Dying Ensign (who didn't look well) and Max Q. Before either could ask him a question Boltini rushed back to the back door and slammed it shut, throwing his whole body wieght against it.

Dying Ensign and Max Q approached slowly, but they both jumped back when a deafening thud was heard against the door. The whole lounge seemed to shake as more thuds followed. Boltini looked passed them out the front window and was surprised to see an emu staring back at him.

"Emu?" Boltini said.

"Yeah," Dying Ensign answered. Another thud was heard against the door.

Boltini jerked a thumb behind him, indicating the source of the thumping.

"Elephant."

Max Q.
To say Max Q. was surprised would have been an exercise in futility - and besides, this seemed like a good time for resistance.

"Computer," he said authoritatively, "reinforce Lower Decks lounge back door with level 9 forcefield."

"Enter command authorization," the computer replied petulantly.

Glancing at the Dying Ensign, who looked like she could use a good laugh, Max replied "authorization Groucho Marx, Epsilon."

Dying Ensign looked at him in wonder. "Groucho Marx?"

"Yes," smirked Max Q., "how that elephant got in his pajamas is still the ninth wonder of Old Earth. The more important question for us, though, is how to get that elephant back to the zoo, along with this cute emu... and finding out how they got out in the first place. Any suggestions, anyone?"

EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
Dying Ensign paused for a minute, trying to think of how in the quadrant one could make an emu and an elephant, both likely unreluctant, return to their zoo home. "Well," she began, "I suppose we could give them a mild sedative to keep them from charging off too fast. After that...perhaps we could lead them with ropes and reins." She grinned at Max Q. "More Old Earth. Whatever we use will need to be strong, though. If worse comes to worse we can stun the elephant and call someone to come take care of it."

The lounge shook again. Determination was firmly embedded into Dying Ensign's rather ill-looking face. "Let's get to work."

Cmdr_Sundance
Cmdr Sundance strolls in to the normally bustling lounge. But today, she finds only a determined looking, Dying Ensign, Max Q and Boltini.

"Where'd the emu come from", she says and grins at the thought of such a creature in the lounge. Max Q says, "You think that's funny, there's an elephant the size of the Enterprise outside this door". Boltini, still holding the door smirks at this remark.

Dying Ensign and Max Q relate their plan, along with various interjections from Boltini still holding the door. Cmdr Sundance agrees that the sedative must be a potent one. She reaches into the duffle on her shoulder and replies, "this ought to get our creatures in the right state of mind for the trip back to the zoo." Max Q looks inquisitively at the bottle presented by Cmdr Sundance. "This is a bottle of 21st century origin, looks familiar, what is it?"

Sundance says with a smile, "Tequila"

boltini3000
"Tequila? Great! I'll take a shot," Boltini said. He stepped away from the door and reached for the bottle, but Cmdr_Sundance slapped him away before he could get any.

"Weren't you listening to the plan Boltini?" Max Q said.

"Um, plan? Yes, we're gonna get drunk and hope the animals go away right? I couldn't really hear what was going on with that pounding behind my head," Boltini answered. "I'm getting the impresion that I should have stepped away from that door. Everything is ringing and now I'm seeing two emus."

Boltini shook his head and looked again. He blinked a couple times and everyone turned to look out the window with him.

"Damn, two emus," Boltini said. "Maybe I do need a drink."

Boltini reached for the bottle again, but Dying Ensign slapped him in the back of his head without even taking her eyes of the new emu.

EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
"Yes, there are two emus out there now, which is very unfortunate. No, you do not need a drink," Dying Ensign growled at Boltini. She then looked to Cmdr. Sundance. Her expression of determination was replaced by a look of horror as she realized what the tequila was intended for. "You want to WHAT?! Look, I said a mild sedative. The animal won't be hyper, and we can control it. You don't know what alcohol will do!" she ranted.

"Well, what else can we do?" Cmdr. Sundance replied with more than a hint of annoyance.

"Find a sedative." With that last comment, she opened the door that led into the rest of the building and set off at a run down the hall.

She returned five minutes later, rather out of breath. "Got it. Had to steal it -- knew I couldn't talk anyone into giving it freely -- and yes, this is sedative, I checked. Now, who's gonna give it to the elephant?"

Cmdr. Sundance, Dying Ensign, and Boltini looked at Max Q., who began shaking his head vigorously. "Noooo. Not me. I'm not doing it! Let Dying Ensign do it -- she's already dying, what could an elephant do?" He continued to rant in this fashion for a while, but Dying Ensign merely shoved the sedative into Max Q's hand.

Max Q.
Max Q. looked at the hypospray, wondering how he always ended up in these situations. "Stick your tounge on the frozen pole, Max. Wash the car in the snow, Max. Give the sedative to the elephant, Max." Desperate times calling for desperate measures, Max decided to take the elephant by the tusks... or whatever that old saying was.

"Cmdr. Sundance, let me see that bottle please?" As Cmdr. Sundance reluctantly released her prize, Max took a moment to peruse the vintage - El Tesoro, 100% Blue Agave. Truly a waste for what he had in mind... sauntering over to the bar, he pulled a set of shot glasses down, and passed them around.

"After all," he said, pouring carefully for each of his newfound friends, "we need to stay loose for the task at hand." A little salt, a little lime, and the ritual is complete. And as the four of them all gave each other that tequila face, he realized it was time to quit stalling.

"OK, stand back... this could get hairy. Computer, release the forcefield on the Lower Decks Lounge back door, authorization Buffett, Jalisco."

As the elephant broke the door down, Max dove into action, jumping weaving, bobbing, ducking... and then laughing, as the elephant got stuck in the doorway. "Gee," he thought to himself, I thought this was gonna be a problem..." Handily applying the hypospray to the elephants hide (PLEASE don't ask where, just accept that it got done!), he sedated the beast into a deep, drowsy sleep.

After adjusting his shirt (why can't those damn things stay PUT), Max Q. jauntily tossed the hypospray to Boltini. "Bolly, good buddy, you get to chase down the emus!"

EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
Dying Ensign looked at Max and smiled. "Well done." She then looked at Boltini. "Emus can run -- I mean, so can elephants, but emus can really run. You'll have to be careful not to spook them."

"What do you suggest, a personal cloaking device?" Boltini replied a bit sarcastically. Everyone laughed.

"No, I just mean be careful. No sudden movements, don't make too much noise but don't sneak up on them, et cetera. And then...we get to lead these things back to the zoo. Anyone come up with a better idea than ropes?"

boltini3000
"Can I have another shot first?" Boltini asked.

"No."

"Dangit," Boltini's shoulder's drooped as he made his way to the front door. The emus stood casually watching him through the window as he slumped along. He finally reached the door and it slid open before him.

He stepped out into the fresh air and turned to the emus. The noon day sun was beating down on them all and the emus moved slowly out to the center of the street, standing side by side and watching Boltini's every move. A tingle of fear shot up his spine as his eyes met their's. He clipped the hypospray to his belt and walked slowly out into the center of the street.

Up and down the street he watched as faces disappeared behind windows in different lounges. He turned his head and saw some random admiral scurry behind a door and slam it shut, then peer out with other admirals through the curtains of their lounge.

"Cowards," Boltini muttered beneath his breath. He turned and faced the emus again, a bead of sweat hung on his forehead and dripped down in front of his eyes. He moved slowly to wipe it from his face, never taking his eyes of the emus.

Somewhere a clock began to chime the noon hour. A small breeze came up and a tumbleweed blew scross the road between them. Boltini squinted and his hand went to rest just above where the hypospray hung.

He slowly pulled the hypospray out and held it in front of him. He took a step forward cautiously then paused to see what the emus would do. They did not move. he took another step. And another, slowly closing the distance between them. The emus did not move, and did not pull their gaze away from him.

Boltini's eyes flashed to the window where his comrades stood watching. This proved to be his undoing, for what he saw was his comrades all enjoying another shot of tequila.

"Hey!" he yelled and turned towards them. That is when the emus charged. He never saw them coming.

When the first emu reached him, it pecked straight for the hypospray sending it flying out of his hand. He watched as it landed in the gutter 20 feet away. The second emu pecked him in the head, sending him sprawling to the street. His hands shot up around his head as he tried to ward off the emus' attack.

"Help me!" Boltini shreiked. "I'm to wonderful to die!"

Max Q.
As Boltini left the lounge, Dying Ensign looked after him with a tear in her eye.

"D.E.?" Cmdr. Sundance asked, "what's wrong?"

"He doesn't know."

"Doesn't know what?"

"About the emus."

"What about the emus?"

Dying Ensign turned to face her two comrades. "Emus are related to ostriches - and they are some of the meanest, vilest, most deadly avian species in all of the Known Worlds. I was going to tell him, but he had already left..."

Max Q. looked outside, at the people leaving the dusty street, noting that the Admirals seemed to be running odds on Boltini's survival, and those odds looked kind of long. Meanwhile, Dying Ensign had picked up the bottle of tequila, and poured three more shots.

"A shot to remember Boltini by," quoth the Dying Ensign, "hoping he doesn't leave us to die!"

As the lounge somberly muttered "to Boltini," they heard a shout from outside.

"Did you hear something," Cmdr. Sundance asked.

"Yeah," said Max Q., looking longingly into his shot glass. "But my daddy taught me that hay is for horses. Whatever the heck a horse is."

Dying Ensign looked outside, and gasped, "Botini's in trouble!"

"I'll say," replied Cmdr. Sundance, "Admiral T'Bonz is giving 5 to 2 against his surviving."

"No," D.E. responded, "I mean, he's in trouble right now!"

EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
She raced to the door that Boltini had gone through (and that had not been smashed by the elephant) and threw it open, expecting to hear footfalls behind her. Only silence, combined with the occasional scream from Boltini, was heard. Dying Ensign whirled around and fixed Max and Sundance with a very evil glare. "Well, aren't you gonna come help me?"

Max stared at her. "Are you CRAZY? You tell us what emus are like and then expect us to rush out to save that guy? No way, Jose." He then paused for a minute, and wandered back over to the tequila. Sundance just stood there.

Dying Ensign considered pounding Max into the lounge floor, but decided against it. She settled for letting loose a few expletives and grabbing an exotic plant that sported long, leafy vines before rushing out the door.

"And then there were two," Sundance murmured. "Poor D.E."

"Yeah, poor D.E.," Max chimed in before downing another shot of tequila.

Cmdr_Sundance
Sundance and Max Q race to the door, and watch D.E. head out to Boltini and the emu's. Max Q says "What's she think she's doing? I'm going for mor Tequila", as he heads over toward the bar. Sundance stays at the door watching the scene outside. D.E slowly walks up to Boltini...flashes a thumbs up back to the door of the lounge. "He's alive, Boltini's alive" says Sundance joyously, as Max Q waves her off for yet another shot of tequila.

Boltini comes through the door, out of breath and bleeding. Sundance heads to her bag, to see what's she's got to help Boltini, not much except an extra uniform, and technical manual (Sundance hates those little view screen thingy's). As Boltini is recovering, and Max Q, well getting slightly, more than slightly, ok ok....really really drunk, Sundance heads back over to the door to survey the situation.

"What the Sam Dixon is she doing?", Sundance asks, describing the scene outside. "D.E. has the emu's contained, she's lured the birds away from Boltini to allow him to return to the lounge, and now she has them thinking...I don't believe I'm seeing this, she has them thinking she's one of them. Look!! They're cooing and rubbing up against the plant. Wow way to go D. E." Max Q staggers over and says "Well, looks like somebody's gotta go get that hypospray and sedate those suckers, before they realize D.E's not Casonova", he then looks around. Sundance turns and realizes that both Boltini and Max Q are staring at her..."Maybe I'd better have another shot, first" She says.

boltini3000
"No way!" Boltini yelled. he jumped up and swiped the bottle from Max then threw it into a corner, smashing it into a thousand pieces. "No mas tequila."

"Hey, that was my tequila," Sundance said as Max walked over to the corner and began whimpering over the smashed bottle.

"You have a job to do Sundance," Boltini commaned forcefully. "Get out there and help D.E. while I try to..."

Boltini was cut off by the trunk of the elephant wrapping around his leg and pulling him off his feet. Sundance ran to help him as he was dragged across the floor but he waved her off.

"Go help D.E! I can handle this, after all this stupid elephant did chase me all the way here, I can deal with it. And apparently this sedative is not working too well," Boltini yelled. Sundance nodded and hurried out the front door.

Boltini twisted himself around looking for anything that might help him. Max was still in the corner sobbing over the tequila, the only other thing in reach was one of many overstuffed chairs. But wait! Sitting in the chair was a coconut cream pie, probably left over from one of the many food fights that were constantly breaking out in the lounge.

Boltini strained to reach it and got his fingers into it. He manuvered it so that it sat in his hand, ready to be thrown.

"Max, get out of here!" Boltini yelled.

He turned his head and found himself face to face with the angry elephant. It pushed itself up, ripping through the doorway and most of the wall as it did. Boltini launched the pie and watched as it soared through the air and splattered on the elephant's face.

The elephant released him at once and Boltini scrambled to his feet. It's trunk swung around and wiped the pie from it's face. Boltini gulped and turned to run again, he sprinted out the door but heard the elephant come crashing through the front wall of the lounge, right behind him. Suddenly an idea occured to him.

"I'll take care of the elephant!" he yelled as he ran passed Sundance. "You guys worry about those emus."

Boltini took off cown the street, the elephant in close pursuit.

EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
Sundance watched Boltini run down the street with awe. "That guy's got guts." Odd noises coming from behind her made her look at D.E. to see how she fared.

The emus were standing still, and D.E. smiled. "They're fine now. I think we can lead them to the zoo with this." D.E. was still holding the potted plant. "They seem to like it. Hey, why don't you go back into the lounge and get another one of these plants -- just in case. Oh, and bring Max along too. Tell him that if he follows you he'll get more tequila."

"If worse comes to worse, I can do like you did and make him think my plant's a tequila bottle," Sundance commented before retrieving the plant and the very drunk Max.

Max Q.
"I can't believe he smashed the bottle," Max Q. thought angrily. "Does he know what one of those is worth?! I'll show him!"

As Sundance and D.E. walked back into the Lounge, the first thing they noticed was the wondeful bouquet of good tequila done wrong. The next thing they noticed was the decided lack of Max Q.

"Where could he have gone," asked Dying Ensign. "How long did you leave him here alone??"

"Just long enough to go check with you," Cmdr. Sundance replied. "It couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes!"

Meanwhile, Max Q. had just about caught up with the elephant, and the object of his rage, Boltini. Luckily, the elephant was taking his time, or Boltini may have found himself smushed into a meat-patty. Which would have suited Max just fine in his present state.

"Hey, Bolly!" Max shouted. "We need to talk!"

"Can it wait," Boltini replied, while dancing between the elephant's feet. "I'm a little busy right now!"

"NO, this can't wait, you just broke a vintage bottle of tequila! You can't replicate that stuff. Even the Admirals don't have that kind of clearance!"

Boltini stopped long enough to look Max in the eye. "Max," he asked, slowly, "where are Dying Ensign and Cmdr. Sundance?"

Max suddenly looked very sober. "Umm.. I left them with the emus."

"The emus."

"Yes, the emus. Both of them. They looked like they had it under control, and I figured that you might need some help with... where's the elephant?"

As they both looked around, they realized that they had somehow lost the elephant.

"This is kinda strange," Boltini muttered.

"Strange? STRANGE?! This is more than strange, how do you lose an elephant that masses two or three thousand kilos? And how the heck are we gonna find him again?!?!!" Max Q. saw a movement out of the corner of his eye. "What's this, a needle?"

As Max picked up the needle, he heard a voice crying not to touch it. But by then, it was too late - he'd picked it up and flipped it over.

Suddenly, a camel appeared to fall out of the eye of the needle. While Max Q. and Boltini were staring in awe, they both missed the fact that the elephant came out right behind the camel. And he looked mad.

boltini3000
As Boltini watched the camel he felt a tapping on his shoulder. He turned and saw that it wasn't a hand, but a trunk. He slowly turned and looked at the elephant. He swallowed slowly and started tapping Max Q.

"Mu, Mu, Mu, Mu, Max," Boltini stammered.

Max turned around and looked at the elephant (which appeared to be pink). Max started to faint but Boltini grabbed him and held him up. They slowly started to back away from the elephant and tripped over the camel which had settled down.

Boltini suddenly had an idea and helped Max to slowly get on the camel. Neither of them ever took their eyes away from the elephant. Boltini climbed on in front of Max and urged the camel to get up. Boltini ripped the sleeve of his uniform and wrapped it around the camel as a rudimentary way of steering.

"Max, slap the camel," Boltini said. Max reached back and slapped the camel and they were sudden;y off at a brisk pace. The elephant wasted no time in turning to chase them.

They rode down the street and found themselves heading into a busy section of town.

"Max, do you know where the zoo is?" Boltini asked.

"You don't know where the zoo is?!" Max shouted in his ear. "We're dead!"

"No, we're not we just need directions," Boltini said. He steered the camel around a corner and saw two admirals talking, one he recognized as Admiral Kass.

As they got closer Boltini caught a portion of what Kass was saying to the other admiral.

"Was it a European swallow or an African swallow?" she asked as Boltini brought the camel to a halt.

"Pardon me but do you have any Grey Poupon?" Max asked and laughed drunkenly.

"Shut up Max," Boltini said. "Admiral Kass, do you happen to know the way to the zoo?"

The two admirals both pointed down the street towards a large park and looked very confused at the camel.

"Why do you ask?" Kass asked.

"Being chased by an elephant," Max answered.

"Was it an Afriacan or Indian elephant?" the other admiral asked.

Boltini let out a small laugh, "heh, funny." He kicked at the camel and they took off again just as the enraged elephant came around the corner.

EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
Meanwhile, back at the lounge...

"We can't linger here," D.E. said worriedly. "We need to get these emus back to the zoo before they realize that the plant's not another emu. There's nothing we can do about Max right now."

"True..." Sundance replied, following D.E. out of the lounge.

"Hey, I wonder if we could ride these things? You know, I'll bet if we dangled some of this plant in front of them they'd follow it, and we could steer them by moving the plant...do you see any long sticks anywhere?" D.E. began looking around.

Sundance spotted a pair of long pieces of wood, left over from an elephant-smashed table. "Found some." The two women tied several pieces of the plant to the wood and tested D.E.'s theory. Although it wasn't perfect, the emus would follow the plant vines.

"Now, to try to ride them..." Sundance and D.E. muttered simultaneously. D.E. pointed to a nearby tree. "You lead one of the emus over here, and I'll climb the tree and get on the emu's back."

Sundance looked skeptical, but did as D.E. had instructed. "Brave soul," she muttered.

D.E. had climbed the tree without too much difficulty. When her steed arrived, she hung from the tree with one hand, let go -- and gently dropped on to the emu's back. They tried to repeat the same process with Sundance, but she could not gather the courage to hang from a tree and fall on to a vicious bird's back, no matter how "tame" the vicious bird. She settled for walking backwards, holding the stick out in front of her. D.E., with her own stick, held it out in front of the emu's face and said, "Let's go."

Max Q.
"Hey, Boltini," shouted Max Q., over the trumpeting of the rapidly gaining elephant, "where is this zoo, again?"

"It's in the park," Boltini replied, "we'll just get our camel friend to take the next left and.... left... LEFT!"

The camel, having a mind entirely of it's own (like this story), took a turn for the worse - to the right. And realizing that he was being chased by an elephant, sped up.

"Whoa! Slow Down! HEY STOP!" None of htese commands, of course, had any effect on the camel, who continued merrrily along, looking back occasionally to make sure that the elephant wasn't gaining. Suddenly, a wizened old man appeared in the middle of the road, waving his hand and muttering softly.

Suddenly, for no good reason, the camel stopped, throwing Boltini and Max Q. off o fhis back into the midle of the road. As they lay there, stunned, they suddenly realized that a single elephant makes a lot of noise as it's barreling down on you, and you're lying on the ground in front of it.

As they screamed in fear, the old man came forward and spoke to the elephant. Max Q. said a quick prayer for the old coot, certain that he was about to become jelly, but the elephant stopped, looked at the old man, and blew a long sad note out of his trunk. Boltini thought it sounded a bit like that trumpet solo at the beginning of Bob Seger's "Turn The Page."

The old man spoke in a most melodious voice "excuse me, but which one of you is the elephant actually chasing?"

The camel spat at Boltini in reply. Boltini was shocked, probably by the spit running down his face. Max Q. was shocked, realizing that the camel had understood the question.

"Sir - did the camel just understand your question?"

The old man smiled and said to Boltini, "are you romantically attached to the Payday bar in your left pocket? If not, I believe that yon pachyderm would like to eat it."

Boltini reached into his pocket, and handed the old man the Payday bar. The old man thanked him, unwrapped the bar, and handed it to the elephant, who sat down and started eating, happily.

"Sir," Max Q. said, trying to hide his amusement at Boltini wiping camel spit off of his face, "who are you, and what do you do?"

"I'm a Doctor, and I talk to the animals. As for what I do - well, I do as little as possible."

Our two adventurers looked at each other in wonderment. Just about then, Cmdr. Sundance and The Dying Ensign came up behind them.

"Is Dying Ensign riding an emu?"

"What is that stuff on Boltini's face," tought Cmdr. Sundance.

The Dr. Looked at them all, amusement twinkilng in his eyes. "This is quite a menagerie you have acquired. Where are you headed with it?"

Max Q. looked around. "We were headed to the zoo, but we seem to have gotten lost, what with the elephant chasing us and all..."

"Really? I can fix that." The Dr. spoke to the elephant, the camel, and both of the emus (who it turned out, were named James and Janice, and were nice emus), and then turned to the adventurers. "They will cooperate in going back to the zoo. It seems that someone with a rather high clearance level lowered the perimeter defenses in order to ascertain the identity of a particular swallow."

Max Q. and Boltini looked at each other. "Admiral Kass?"

EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
"You're kidding. All this because some admiral wanted to know if the swallow in question was European or African?" D.E. ranted. "Well, maybe with the help of the good Doctor here we can finally achieve our goal of getting these animals to the zoo." The others nodded agreement.

The doctor muttered a few more words, and the camel knelt to allow Max and Boltini to get back on. The emu next to Sundance (Janice) offered to let the commander ride to the zoo on her back, but Sundance politely declined with a "Thanks, I'll walk." No sooner had she said this than the elephant, who had been listening to the conversation between Sundance and Janice, lifted Sundance on to his back with his trunk. The Doctor appeared atop the elephant as well, and the motley group of life forms (not including the plants the emus had fallen in love with; they had been replanted under a tree) set off toward the zoo.

boltini3000
As they rode along Boltini started singing,
"If we could talk to the animals, learn their languages
Think of all the things we could discuss
If we could walk with the animals, talk with the animals,
Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals,
And they could squeak and squawk and speak and talk to us."

"Come on everybody join in!" Boltini yelled cheerfully.

"Boltini, what the heck are you talking about?" Max said.

Boltini looked sheepish as he answered, "Talk to the animals, Dr. Dolittle."

They all turned to look at him.

"You know, Dr Dolittle, talks to the animals," Boltini said.

"That guy's a hack," the Doctor said.

"Sorry," Boltini answered dejectedly. "I wish I had some tequila."

EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
"Yes, we know," D.E. muttered under her breath. However, she did begin to sing: "But the cat came back/The very next day/The cat came back/Hm hm hm hm hm hm hm/But the cat came back/The very next day/It just wouldn't stay away..."

The elephant, who was in the lead, stopped suddenly. D.E.'s emu (James) and the camel rammed into the elephant's back legs, nearly knocking the drunken Max to the ground.

"What happened?" Boltini, mysteriously sober, inquired. The two people atop the elephant offered no insight.

D.E. shrugged and (after much persuasion) got James to trot around the elephant so the cause of the pause could be ascertained.

"Maybe it's a mouse," Max said loudly. D.E. heard this, and giggled, but her laughter was quickly stifled.

Admiral Kass was standing in the middle of the road, right in front of the elephant. She had a stunned expression on her face, and D.E. was just in time to see her faint.

Max Q.
"It's not a mouse, it's a Kass!" Max Q. said, in a singsong.

"What are we going to do with her," asked Boltini.

"Put her up here with me, we're gonna need an Admiral to bring the forcefields back up after we get to the zoo, right?" As the group looked at him, surprised, Max responded, "What? Look, if you need to be an admiral to bring the forcefields down, doesn't it make sense that you would have to be one to bring them back up?"

They all looked at each other. "How drunk are you, anyway," Cmdr. Sundance asked.

Max Q. looked at them all, incredulously. "Drunk? What makes you think I'm drunk? Six shots of tequila is just the start of a beautiful relationship! Now, Dr. if you would.."

The Dr. smiled, and spoke to the elephant, who trumpeting once again, lifted Admiral Kass and deposited her gently onto his back.

As they caravn moved along, Boltini smiled, knowing that the best part was coming up. "Hey Max? Where exactly are we going, anyway?"

"Well," Max replied, "it's gonna be dark in about five hours, and we still haven't seen the gates of this zoo. However I'm pretty sure that we'll have to cross Alps St. on this elephant before we get to the gates of... what's the name of this zoo, anyway?"

The Dr. looked up at him. "The Carthaginian Corral - Home of the Happy Menagerie."

Boltini and Max just looked at each other. What else could they do?

boltini3000
And so with three and a half hours left (give or take) they arrived at the zoo.

"That took way too long," Boltini said.

"Well it wouldn't have taken as long to get across Alps St if you hadn't been telling all those 'why did the elephant cross the roads?' jokes," D.E. said.

"Yeah, you're probably right," Boltini answered.

"Ok guys, let's get these animals to their proper cages," D.E. ordered. As they passed through the zoo gates, they couldn't believe their eyes.

Animals were running loose everywhere. Two monkeys carrying drink trays swung down from the gates as Boltini and Max rode through. Boltini and Max each accepted drinks from the monkeys in little coconuts with umbrellas.

"Ooh, monkey butlers, I like this place," Boltini said before taking a sip of his drink. He immediately spit it out, soaking Max. "Yuck! Monkey spit!"

"Monkey spit if you're lucky," Sundance called back with a laugh.

boltini3000
"What happened next daddy?" the little boy asked.

"Well, our mighty crew of lower deckers returned each of the animals to its proper cage," the boy's daddy responded. "It would have gone faster if Max had known the difference between an emu and an ostrich, but things all got sorted out in the end. After the animals had been restored and the Doctor had bid them farewell, they made their way to the zoo control facility.

"There they used Admiral Kass's thumbprint to reactivate the zoo's fences. Everyone was relieved to have the job done, but they all agreed it was an awful thing to have cloned the dinosaurs in the first place."

"What the heck are you talking about daddy?"

"Um, sorry. So anyway, do you want to know what the big surprise at the end of the story was? You do? Well, in the end they discovered a massive transporter system at the zoo control center. It turned out that all the animals had transporter tags on them. If the adventurers had just come to the zoo and pushed the recall button, none of this would ever have happened." Daddy closed the book and set it down on the nightstand.

"Do you know what the moral of the story is Billy?" Daddy asked.

"Always look for the simplest solution?" the little boy replied.

"Nope, it's tequila and emus don't mix."

"That's kind of a stupid ending daddy," the little boy said.

"Yes it is Billy, yes it is."

Max Q.
"Daddy?"

"Junior, I put you to bed two hours ago, and you've already had your glass of water. Why are you up?"

Billy looked up at Daddy with those big brown eyes, and said "what about the theory that Amdiral Kass let all of the animals go as a diversion so that she could steal all of the tequila out of the Lower Decks Lounge and put all of the adventurers on a strict diet of Starfleet Disaster Rations and Ferengi Tube Grubs?"

Boltin - I mean, Daddy looked at Billy in fear - "who told you about that? That information is solidly locked up in..."

"April Fool's, Daddy," said Billy, as he skipped off to bed, a triumphant smile on his face.

"I told you not to tell him that story," said the missus. "He looked it up on ConspiracyWeb a week ago, and he's been waiting to surprise you with it ever since."

"ConspiracyWeb? Who in blazes would have posted that kind of information there?"

EnsignWhoDiesEveryEpisode
"Who knows," she replied lightly. "The name on it said 'EmuRide'. Probably some freak..."

THE END...