LIVING QUARTERS

It was with relief and chagrin when Hermione Apparated back to her own bedroom, in her own flat. A hectic day at Hogwarts, establishing an office of her own, making sure her teaching time table didn't clash with her studies or work, and seeing if maybe, just maybe there was a secret entrance that led straight to Snape's bedroom. No. The secret entrance led straight to Macgonagall's bathroom. Hermione reflected that her office had once belonged to Professor Vector. Nope, Hermione didn't need to think about that at all. Even not thinking about it made her shudder. Macgonagall had been most displeased when Hermione had appeared from behind a wall tapestry and caught her in mid-bubble bath.

"You might try the secret passageway from the Divination Tower," Minerva said shortly, trying to drape herself with flannels and rubber ducks.

"Sorry. Divination Tower, you say?"
"Behind the portrait of the Ugly Woman with the Gourd. Ask Madam Trelawney if you're not sure. I believe she knows the password."

The secret stairway wouldn't open. Hermione had to ask Sybil Trelawney. The older woman smirked, but Hermione wasn't sure if it was from amusement, or a giggle-fit from the suspiciously sweet smoke issuing from the fireplace.

"Of course, my dear. All you have to do is confide in the Ugly Woman. Tell her your deepest wishes, and the way shall be opened for you."

Hermione did so. She told the Ugly Woman about her desire to do well as a teacher, her need to top the Arithmancy classes at Elvenbows, her love of belly dancing and her wish to become Britain's top dancer. She spoke about wanting her parents to be more proud of her than they now were, how much she liked her new strong body, how she would like to one day master Elvish, and her lust for Severus Snape. The Ugly Woman was asleep by the time she got to "I know my parents love me, but they both did so well at university that I'll really have to go some to get them to take notice".

Hermione sighed. Yet another person she'd bored comatose. "I wish I could just go home."

The portrait swung forward, and the staircase led her to Hogsmeade. Hermione shrugged and Apparated home. No Snape bonkies tonight. Besides, she should speak to him first about Trelawney. Witches Who Love Wizards Who Eat Tofu said that opposites attract, but could Trelawney really appeal to Snape?

Hermione had Apparated with her back to her bed. A small noise made her turn around. Susan Bones lay in the bed, half-asleep.

"What the hell-?" Hermione said.

Susan sat up. "Carmel said it was okay if I moved in right away."

A lump stirred beside her in the bed, and Justin Fitch-Fletchley's head appeared.

"Hi, Hermione," he mumbled, before flopping down under the blankets again.

Hermione ground her teeth. She'd only been gone the weekend. She'd tried to impress upon Carmel that she would be only part-time at Hogwarts. Susan Bones and Justin F-F were in her bed. On her sheets. Justin was drooling on her pillow. At least Susan wasn't wearing her nightie. Damn. Justin was.

"Excuse me," she said, and stormed out of the room.

The usual acrobatics and competition diving were happening in Carmel's bedroom. Hermione pounded the door.

"Piss off, Susan, I've given you one bloke. You can't possibly know what to do with two!" Carmel bellowed.

"It's me, Hermione. Open up, or I'll blast this door down."
"Can't. It's spell-protected."

Hermione hefted her wand. The door was indeed spell-protected. That was why she caused the walls to crumble. The door stood steadfast, alone, supported by nothing. Hermione stomped over the rubble, got a leg up on the bed and trod on a bevy of boys. She stood, one leg either side of Carmel's lithe body.

"What the hell do you mean by giving my room to Susan Bones? I still live here. I told you that. I - oh, sorry Harry, but do stop moving. I want them out of my bed, and out of my room, now."

Carmel sighed, and shifted Blaise Zabini's right foot from behind her ear. "I just figured once you got to Hogwarts, you'd kinda stay there. You know, with Lover Boy."

"I have my own rooms. Lover Boy, I mean, Severus, has his rooms. He works there full-time. I am only part-time, for maybe only one semester, until Professor Vector comes back. Do I have to spell it out for you, Carmel? Ron, stop wriggling. I'll get off you when I'm good and ready."

"See," Carmel said to Ron. "I'm not the only one who says that. You owe me ten galleons." She stretched herself into a sitting position. Her face was close to Hermione's crotch. "You know, this isn't you at your most attractive, 'Mione. How about you Apparate out for a nice cup of tea, and I'll see what I can do?"

"Half an hour, Carmel, or I swear I'll use the Flaccidio hex on all of them." She pointed to Harry, Ron, Blaise, and an anonymous skinhead curled up and chained to the end of the bed.

"Okay, okay." Carmel shifted again. "Everybody up. Hermione's shitty."

The boys moaned, but once Hermione had hopped off the bed, they rolled to their feet. Suddenly, the room was full of naked young men. This was more of her friends than she'd ever wished to see. And since when did Ron sport a tattoo on his bum? And why on earth was it a Hufflepuff badger? Okay, definitely another thing not to contemplate late at night.

Hermione Apparated to Hogsmeade, where she knew the pub would be open till late, and wouldn't raise eyebrows at the occasional bad tempered wand-wave. She was into the second half of her shandy, and had turned an abandoned wine glass into a toucan and back again, when Snape joined her.

"Hello," he said, nuzzling into the back of her neck.

"Get off, I'm having a bad day."

"Mmm." He took a seat opposite her and started on his whisky. "The Ugly Woman with the Gourd mentioned you'd been by." He sighed. "I suppose you've been talking to Sybil. Look, it was a long time ago, and she'd foretold I was to die that year. How was I to know she does that to everyone? So I thought, one last shag before dying. I-"

"You believed something Sybil Trelawney predicted?"

"I didn't know her very well back then. Aren't you cross that Sybil and I-?"
"What you did on your own time is your affair, literally. Don't ask me about my past, and I won't ask about yours." Hermione did not want to have this conversation.

"What about your past? Why? What happened? Who?"

"Shut up, Severus." She kissed him to make sure he shut up.

He tried to talk against her mouth. He was not good at shutting up. She guessed that when he was a boy, and his father told him to shut up, he kept talking for three days, thus using up his quota of words for the next seventy years. She kissed him harder.

"Well, if that's what you're after, my rooms are a short distance away by secret tunnel…"

"Shut up. Just shut up. It's not what I'm after. Well, it is, but not right now. I went home and found Susan Bones and Justin Fitch-Fletchley in my bed."

"And this is….bad? Right?"

"Of course it's bad. Carmel moved them in as soon as she thought I'd left."

"And have you left?"

"No. I'm only part-time at Hogwarts. You know that. I still have my studies."
"There is one way to become a full-time resident of Hogwarts."
"What? Repeat my NEWTS? How can I improve on 700%"

"You could come live with me."

There, it was out in the open, hanging there like a dust mote on the eye. Hermione blinked.

"Pardon?"
Snape took a long swig of whisky. "I'm not saying it again."

The silence was heavy between them. Snape looked at the tabletop, thankful that it couldn't speak. Was it this particular tabletop that had provided a handy surface the night he and Rosmerta….? Probably best not to mention that.

Hermione slurped down her shandy. The tabletop looked well-worn, old. There were finger marks along one edge. Obviously a drinker trying to hold on to reality. It didn't explain the imprinted footprints though. One more thing to add to her 'don't think about it too much or you'll lay awake, and then the madness starts' list.

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that," she finally managed.

"I see." His voice was low as he reined in his disappointment.

"But we could try it for a weekend, see how we go. Maybe build up to the real deal."

"That would be nice."

They sealed the agreement with a kiss. In a corner, someone made gagging noises.

Hermione's room was blessedly clear when she returned. Clean sheets, bed nicely turned down. Snape cocked his head.

"I don't see anyone," he said. "Are you sure you're not hallucinating?"

"I'll leave that to Trelawney. No, Carmel must've finally done as she was told." A look of profound relief swept Hermione's face. "Now maybe she'll listen to reason about all those men."

The noises started in the next room. It sounded like a street parade. There was cheering, and the mixed voices of Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Carmel Chong, a skinhead with a deep baritone who was apparently called Rastus Watermelon, Blaise Zabini, Susan Bones, and Justin F-F. Someone was playing the ukelele. Susan Bones was whining about there being no room under the bed. The plinky-plinky tones of Ottmer Leibert started from the stereo.

"I knew it wouldn't be so simple," Hermione said, shaking her head. She glanced at Snape. "You once said you can be noisy in bed."

"Yes."

"Do it."

"I have a better idea." Snape spelled a protective spell around Hermione's belongings, and then spelled the entire Hogwarts owlery into the room. He scattered about stimulant-laced mice. The owls swooped, beaks clacking and within minutes, they were hooting, flapping and seeing who could do the most noxious owl-fart. Snape opened the door to the room and some of the owls ventured out into the main living area, and from there past the non-existent walls into Carmel's room.

Snape and Hermione went back to Hogwarts. His rooms were clean, neat, empty of people, and mercifully there were no owl-fart competitions.

Snape proved that he could indeed make noise. So did Hermione. At 5am, someone hammered on their door. Snape rose, shook the violet petals off himself and answered the door.

"Shut up!" screamed Trelawney. She was wearing a black ovesized Weird Sisters tshirt, and fluffy slippers. "The whole Divination Tower is rocking. You know how the Tower conducts any sort of emanations. Just stop it! Shut up! For the love of Merlin, just stop!"

"Sybil-" He was using his 'You Have A Very Dangerous Potion In Your Hand, Longbottom, So I'm Doing My Best Not to Startle You' voice.

"Do you have to shag in that particular rhythm? Does everyone have to know what you're doing? The Divination Tower is doing the lambada. I haven't slept all night. Just go to sleep. Now!" She flounced away down the corridor.

Hermione suggested that some sleep would be good. How embarrassing to be thought of as another Carmel Chong. Then again, Trelawney once bonked Snape. Could it be jealousy? To hell with it. She grabbed Snape by his hair. Sleep could wait. She'd just mastered the saaidi rhythm in her dancing. Time to see if they could make the Divination Tower perform a pelvic tilt.

***** *****