The Nine Go Shopping – Episode II
Chapter 3
"I think we are lost," Nine remarks. It has been nearly three hours since the incident with the
mob, and the Nine have searched their way through a Gap, a Mervyns and a JCPenny ("This
place looks oddly familiar," says Six) without finding the rogue jeweler.
Says Three, "We have been here too long! I think we should go back! That stupid jeweler isn't
here anyway!"
"Oh, you think we should go back, do you?" Eight sneers. "And why, pray tell?"
"Because, uh, um, because - " Three blunders, trying desperately to think of a good reason other
than fatigue, which Eight would surely ridicule him for. "Because I am hungry, that's why!"
Needless to say, he is ridiculed anyway. "You idiot! Wraiths are never hungry! You know that
we are neither alive nor dead! We do not need to stop and eat!" Eight's tirade is cut short,
however, by the remarks of the other eight wraiths.
"You know, it would be nice to eat again."
"I for one can agree with that."
"Hey everybody, there's a food court right over there!"
Eight is furious. "Stupid Gondorians! Your grandfathers were dwarves, all of them dwarves!"
But the rebellion continues.
"Oh, shut the old pie-hole, Eight, you know there's nothing wrong with a little malt beer and red
meat off the bone now and then."
"Of course not! Let's go eat."
"Dwarves, all dwarves," Eight grumbles, after which he mutters a long string of incoherent
curses under his breath. He follows his companions reluctantly.
They approach the food court and go up to a counter.
"Hi, welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?" says the part-time employed kid at the
counter, without looking up from his issue of The National Enquirer (this issue's headline was
"Shocking Scientific Discovery – Salt Contains Poison Chlorine and Explosive Sodium! What
the EPA was doing Behind Your Back!").
"Order?" Two inquires bemusedly.
"Uh, yeah, duh, order," says the kid, still without looking up from his magazine. "What do you
want to eat?"
"Well, then, let's see. We will take a few moments to decide," says Four, and all except Eight
huddle around trying to come to a unanimous decision.
Finally, they turn around again – "Roast beef and ales all around!" shouts Five.
"Uh, excuse me, like, ale, and like, roast beef, are not, you know, like served here. This is like,
McDonald's, you know."
"Any recommendations?" Six moans hungrily, even though he can't really be hungry.
"Uh, yeah, like, I would totally, like, get the Fish Filet, you know, dude. And then, like, Coke,
you know, on the side," says the kid, who still hasn't looked up.
"OK, nine – I mean eight of that, please," says Six.
"Right, dude, it's like, coming right up, like, yeah."
The Nine go and grab a table. They start talking about the Ring and if their mission will
succeed. Their dialogue is too dull to be included – trust me, you'd be bored, and then how
would I get good reviews?
Anyway, in several minutes, the kid at the counter calls them over to say that their Fish Filets are
ready and that that will be fifteen seventy-three, please.
"Fifteen seventy-three what, might I ask?" Six inquires.
"Uh, like dollars, dude. Like, hand over the dough, you know, like, yeah." He still has not
looked up.
"We," One says in an imperious voice, "are not handing anything over. You will give us the fish
whadyacallits right now, just as we ordered them."
"Uh, like, sir, you're like supposed to pay for your, like, you know, like, stupendous, like, food,"
the kid says without looking up.
"Pay?" Two asks incredulously. "You never said we had to pay."
"Uh, like, sorry, dude, pay, like, up."
The dwarvish eight of the Nine become angry. They draw their swords.
Then the kid looks up.
"Give us those Fish Filets. NOW!" One cries.
"Uh, aack! Go away! Like, take your Fish Filets, I didn't do nothin!' Just go away people, you
are like scaring me!" The kid screams as he shoves their sandwiches and drinks at them.
"That's better," says One. They all take their portions and walk to their table.
* * *
Next time, the Nine have their first encounter with fast food, and find the evil jeweler dude!
Review, review, review!
~ Anoriel
Chapter 3
"I think we are lost," Nine remarks. It has been nearly three hours since the incident with the
mob, and the Nine have searched their way through a Gap, a Mervyns and a JCPenny ("This
place looks oddly familiar," says Six) without finding the rogue jeweler.
Says Three, "We have been here too long! I think we should go back! That stupid jeweler isn't
here anyway!"
"Oh, you think we should go back, do you?" Eight sneers. "And why, pray tell?"
"Because, uh, um, because - " Three blunders, trying desperately to think of a good reason other
than fatigue, which Eight would surely ridicule him for. "Because I am hungry, that's why!"
Needless to say, he is ridiculed anyway. "You idiot! Wraiths are never hungry! You know that
we are neither alive nor dead! We do not need to stop and eat!" Eight's tirade is cut short,
however, by the remarks of the other eight wraiths.
"You know, it would be nice to eat again."
"I for one can agree with that."
"Hey everybody, there's a food court right over there!"
Eight is furious. "Stupid Gondorians! Your grandfathers were dwarves, all of them dwarves!"
But the rebellion continues.
"Oh, shut the old pie-hole, Eight, you know there's nothing wrong with a little malt beer and red
meat off the bone now and then."
"Of course not! Let's go eat."
"Dwarves, all dwarves," Eight grumbles, after which he mutters a long string of incoherent
curses under his breath. He follows his companions reluctantly.
They approach the food court and go up to a counter.
"Hi, welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?" says the part-time employed kid at the
counter, without looking up from his issue of The National Enquirer (this issue's headline was
"Shocking Scientific Discovery – Salt Contains Poison Chlorine and Explosive Sodium! What
the EPA was doing Behind Your Back!").
"Order?" Two inquires bemusedly.
"Uh, yeah, duh, order," says the kid, still without looking up from his magazine. "What do you
want to eat?"
"Well, then, let's see. We will take a few moments to decide," says Four, and all except Eight
huddle around trying to come to a unanimous decision.
Finally, they turn around again – "Roast beef and ales all around!" shouts Five.
"Uh, excuse me, like, ale, and like, roast beef, are not, you know, like served here. This is like,
McDonald's, you know."
"Any recommendations?" Six moans hungrily, even though he can't really be hungry.
"Uh, yeah, like, I would totally, like, get the Fish Filet, you know, dude. And then, like, Coke,
you know, on the side," says the kid, who still hasn't looked up.
"OK, nine – I mean eight of that, please," says Six.
"Right, dude, it's like, coming right up, like, yeah."
The Nine go and grab a table. They start talking about the Ring and if their mission will
succeed. Their dialogue is too dull to be included – trust me, you'd be bored, and then how
would I get good reviews?
Anyway, in several minutes, the kid at the counter calls them over to say that their Fish Filets are
ready and that that will be fifteen seventy-three, please.
"Fifteen seventy-three what, might I ask?" Six inquires.
"Uh, like dollars, dude. Like, hand over the dough, you know, like, yeah." He still has not
looked up.
"We," One says in an imperious voice, "are not handing anything over. You will give us the fish
whadyacallits right now, just as we ordered them."
"Uh, like, sir, you're like supposed to pay for your, like, you know, like, stupendous, like, food,"
the kid says without looking up.
"Pay?" Two asks incredulously. "You never said we had to pay."
"Uh, like, sorry, dude, pay, like, up."
The dwarvish eight of the Nine become angry. They draw their swords.
Then the kid looks up.
"Give us those Fish Filets. NOW!" One cries.
"Uh, aack! Go away! Like, take your Fish Filets, I didn't do nothin!' Just go away people, you
are like scaring me!" The kid screams as he shoves their sandwiches and drinks at them.
"That's better," says One. They all take their portions and walk to their table.
* * *
Next time, the Nine have their first encounter with fast food, and find the evil jeweler dude!
Review, review, review!
~ Anoriel