Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything Star Trek.
Feedback: Yes please read and review.
Written for the Astrogirl PADD contest.
Leola Root
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
Chakotay: Would you have a look to see if you have picked up my PADD.
It is one from Neelix and it is regarding future menus.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
I don't know how but, yes; I seem to have it do you need it now?
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
No, they never really need my attention; it's just that Neelix likes to keep me "in the link," as Tom would say.
I've been thinking about that recently actually. That a First Officer willing to deal with those type of requests, would lessen his Captain's workload thus enabling her to spend her time more productively.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
Kathryn do realise the amount of Leola root he uses is beyond reason.
What I don't have enough PADD's of mine own already, in fact now I look at them, I think I have more of yours, than I could ever of picked up by accident. You would not happen to know anything about that would you.
How would taking more baths be productive Kathryn?
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: MISSING PADD.
What makes you think I would have more baths? I do have other things I could be doing.
Really, Chakotay, you have some of my PADD's. However now you mention it my stack is slightly smaller than usual, and No I never noticed about the amount of Leola root being used either.
Nevertheless, it does go to prove my theory that you are the right person to look at the details, for instance the amount of Leola root used by a certain Talaxian chef. I suggest you have a word with him about it. In fact, I will inform Neelix that future menus go through you.
I overheard a conversation between Tom and Harry today, regarding a holodeck programme containing a Strip club. Do you know anything about it?
P.S. I thought you loved Leola root.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
What gave you that idea? I hate Leola root.
Kathryn how could you make me think of Neelix's Leola root while I'm off duty. You do realise that Star Fleet forbids torture by Leola root, and has done for many years now. Can I ask did you happen to have a reason for contacting me? A legitimate reason that is, other than just to let me know I the majority of your reports, and somehow I am now in charge of Neelix and Leola root. Yippee.
What's this about a strip club?
To: NEELIX
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Future menus.
Time: 20.45
Neelix I have given it some thought and although I have always taken an interest in the dietary requirements for the crew, I now consider that it is only fair that we allow Commander Chakotay to verify the menus. In fact, I happen to know he has a great interest in the wide and varied use of Leola root in cooking.
So please direct, future menus to Commander Chakotay.
Captain Janeway.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Sarcasm.
Why, Commander, sarcasm the lowest form of whit, and does not become you. Yippee. Really Chakotay, what are you thinking.
I am well aware of Star Fleet regulations regarding torture, but they do not include First officers and Leola root.
Chakotay are you really telling me, that you were not aware of a strip club.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Sarcasm I think not.
Kathryn, I am sure there must be somewhere in the deep recess of a regulation book, a rule regarding the protection of First Officers, from Captains who have a fixation with Leola root.
Sarcasm; I think you have taken it the wrong way. I will view the menus, but any time you want the job back do not hesitate to tell me.
I am not aware of anything to do with strip clubs, other than they have naked women.
Would you like me to talk to them both, it will just be a bit of harmless fun.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Strip clubs
Harmless, and fun, I wonder if B'Elanna will see it that way.
What do you mean, "Naked women" what else would they have?
P.S. Chakotay, I assure you there is no protection, Kathryn.
To: FIRST OFFICER.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Change of Responsibility
Time: 20.50
I have informed Neelix as to the change regarding the menus. In future, he will consult you.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY
Subject: Change of Responsibility
Yes, that's fine of course. Strangely enough, I was just considering various ways to cook Leola root, for the Captain.
Kathryn you would not tell B'Elanna. You know what she will do to him, don't you?
Some strip clubs have male strippers as well as females.
FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Leola Root
Tell me Chakotay is this normal off duty activity for you, thinking about Neelix and Leola root. Never ever, think of cooking it, in any of its variations for the Captain.
Commander, are you sure there are male strippers I didn't know that. Not that I am interested.
P.S. And I would not have thought you minded the demise of the helmsman.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Dinner
Well actually, Captain strangely enough, thoughts of Leola and Neelix, had never crossed my mind until I got a PADD regarding the high quantity in usage on board this ship. . There is a certain neighbour of mine, who rarely sits down to eat a meal, living only on caffeine, very high doses of caffeine of course. She is also renowned for her ability to incinerate even replicated meals for herself.
I was considering asking her for dinner. I have just learnt though she has a weakness for Leola root a La Neelix.
Kathryn I never for a moment considered you would be interested in a male stripper.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Dinner accepted. Your place or mine.
WAS.....Is past tense Chakotay and you know, you do not seriously mean that.
However, may I take this opportunity Commander to remind you, the brig is empty? However, it may not remain that way if I am given Leola root at anytime. Understand, Chakotay.
Less of the renowned if you please. Only you know that my replicator and I do not always see eye to eye.
P.S. Chakotay why do you think I would not be interested in male strippers? I am a woman as well as a Captain.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY
Subject: Your place or mine
Obviously that was a slip of the finger Captain, I meant to say I AM asking her for dinner? My place.
Kathryn I had noticed that you are a woman. Would you like me to find out what night the male strippers are on?
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: Neelix (your partner in converting the masses to Leola root.)
Subject: Leola Root (a mouth watering dish)
Time: 20.55
Commander the Captain has just informed me you will be looking over my menus in future; I look forward to many happy hours with you trying out new dishes. I am surprised to find you are a fellow connoisseur of Leola Root; how ever have you managed to keep that a secret.
Leola root in my opinion is an underrated delicacy on board this vessel. For instance, some of the crewmembers refuse to eat it at all. Which as you know is a pointless exercise as I put Leola root in everything I cook.
Obviously now you are championing the cause, that will be in the past.
With you being a connoisseur and extolling the virtues of the Leola root I am sure we will soon have many converted and rallying to its cause, in no time at all.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Dinner
No Chakotay if I need any further information I will find out myself. Not that I would be seen frequenting a strip club, you understand.
I accept the dinner invitation. My PADD'S are finished now and I can be there in say 60 minutes, and Chakotay; hurry up I have not eaten today.
No, I repeat, No Leola root is required, thank you.
To: Neelix
From: Commander Chakotay.
Subject: Leola Root
Time: 20.57
Thank you Neelix, although I do not think my future work schedule will allow me much if any time to be practising menus.
In addition, I am not sure I would call myself a Connoisseur, and I was not aware you added Leola root to everything.
Please could you just forward me the menus?
Deviating form the subject a little. Neelix what do you know, of Strip clubs?
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY
Subject: Dinner
Time: 20.58
No wonder you have finished your PADD's I have most of them.
Kathryn, do I surmise from the fact, you are hungry, and that you have run out of replicator rations and that you're angling to use some of mine. Not I hasten to add that I mind, as you have pointed out the Brig is empty.
However, if I am in the brig I cannot cook dinner. I am considering cooking vegetable curry and rice, followed by Coffee Ice Cream. It could be ready in 30 minutes. Interested.
Oh, by the way I am sure you will be pleased to know, Neelix now thinks I am a connoisseur of Leola root. Kathryn any idea, as to why he would think that?
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Coffee Ice Cream (oh Chakotay you know I ADORE that)
Me? No, who would have told Neelix your interest in Leola root? You hate Leola root.
I will be there in 30 dinner sounds wonderful and yes, I am hungry. I will bring the wine. Chakotay where have you gotten the idea about the brig. Sometimes your imagination runs away with you, how can you provide me with a meal from the brig. I am surprised at you.
P.S. Opps I forgot, I can't bring the wine I am out of replicator rations, and my best friend will not loan me any.
P.P.S. Have you ever considered stripping Chakotay?
To: Tom Paris (It was nice knowing you.)
From: Neelix. (Champion of Leola root.)
Subject: Not to be mentioned in mixed company.
Time: 21.00
Tom, I have just being talking to Chakotay, did you know he is a connoisseur of Leola root? However, he asked me what I knew about Strip clubs? Just making you aware, he might be on your trail.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY. (If you are)
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY
Subject: Who are you and where is my Captain?
Kathryn that is you isn't it. Have I ever stripped, No Kathryn not in public or for financial gain, although for pleasure and if the stripping was by mutual consent with beautiful woman?
No this isn't real it must be a wind up. If this is you, Paris, one of your jokes I will tell B'Elanna about...... you know what.
Just remember Paris, I have your marital happiness, and your life in my hands, just one word from me to B'Elanna and your manhood is as they say history. BE WARNED, PARIS.
Kathryn if this is really you; we can talk mutual stripping when you get here.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Gossip.Tell me more.
Of course, it is I.
But tell me more about the......you know what. Oh, I'd love to get the dirt on Paris, Chakotay, is it anything to do with the strip club?
What did he do...OH COME ON SPILL THE BEANS? I am your best friend and neighbour, not to mention your Captain. I am ordering you to tell me. Please.
I am bored and out of PADD's. Hurry up with dinner.
P.S. I think stripping could be a very positive message about a person's intention. Don't you?
To: Harry Kim.
From: Tom Paris.
Subject: Whom did you tell?
Time: 21.04
Harry, Neelix tells me Chakotay knows about the strip club. Whom have you been telling?
How did he find out?
If he tells the Captain, we could be in the brig, before you put away your clarinet.
P.S. I think Neelix has been at the cooking sherry again, he thinks Chakotay is a Connoisseur of Leola root, strange I've never seen him eat it have you?
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: I cannot tell
Kathryn you would not be bored if you have kept your own PADD's instead of palming them off on unsuspecting First Officers.
I am sorry I can tell you nothing, Tom swore me to secrecy, nothing I repeat nothing could get me to tell. No, it's nothing to do with strip clubs, although.No I really cannot tell.
Yes, Kathryn being naked with a person would be a very strong message. I think we should discuss this further. Soon, please.
To: Tom Paris
From: Harry Kim.
Subject: Leola Root.
Time: 21.08
Tom have you lost the plot. Chakotay knows and you're waffling about Leola root? Some days I despair of you.
No, I have not mentioned the strip club to anyone. Who else have you told; obviously, you have informed Neelix or he wouldn't have known to warn you would he?
Hey, whoa back up there, what do you mean the brig? I know nothing and have done nothing.
Tom, never mind about Chakotay. What about B'Elanna, I think, you would be safer in the brig.
Just keep me out of it, I told you it was a stupid idea. I want to live.
To: Harry Kim.
From: Tom Paris.
Subject: Friendship?
Time: 21.14
Hey friend, long time friend, old buddy, best pal.
How about telling B'Elanna, it was your idea. She is after all your friend. In addition, she has given you a nickname, "Starfleet." Remember. Old friend.
I value my limbs and organs highly, and you know she would not harm a hair on your head. Granted she may shout but.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Too much time wasted.
Chakotay I think we have wasted enough time. I love you, Kathryn.
To: Tom Paris
From: Harry Kim.
Subject: Head
Time: 21.20
Hey, it is not my head I am worried about, I have seen her knee in action remember. I want to be able to father children.
Never mind nicknames she has one for you too. So how does that guarantee my safety exactly, prey tell.
Anyhow, she would never believe it was my idea, she knows you lead me astray. We do not even know if Chakotay has even told B'Elanna.
If he had, wouldn't you be dead by now.
However, you do not want to upset him in case he has not told her yet.
Doesn't he already hold your life in his hands regarding, the incident ....you know what?
My advice, should you choose to take it get rid of the evidence. Go now and erase the holo-programmes. Fast, while you still can.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Male strippers (who do you have in mind)
I love you too Kathryn,
P.S. Dinner will be in 5 minutes.
To: COMMANDER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Whom do I have in mind? Guess
Hear that knocking.
Open the door it's me.
To: Harry Kim.
From: Tom Paris.
Subject: Friendship?
Time: 21.25
Oh my God. I forgot THE INCIDENT. If Chakotay talks I am a dead man.
Your right, I am going to erase the programme before she finds out. B'Elanna will rip my heart out and make me eat it, if she finds out.
From: Tuvok Commander of security
To: Captain Janeway C.c. Commander Chakotay
Subject: Lieutenant Paris,
Time: 21.30
I would like to bring to your attention the behaviour of Lieutenant Paris. He has been monitored just erasing a holodeck programme, of a strip club.
To: Tom Paris (man I love)
From: B'Elanna. Light of your life.
Subject: Dinner.
Time: 21.30
Hey, flyboy I cannot make dinner tonight. Sorry.
Guess what? No, you will never guess I'll tell you.
Some one has added a strip club to the holodeck; I am going to add a male stripper option, and the girls and I are going tonight.
Before Tuvok, or some spoilsport, with a death wish finds it and erases it.
So see you later, and Tom get plenty of rest. Just think how seeing, all that naked male flesh (even if it is holographic) could turn a girl on.
Have to go before some idiot erases it. If they do, I will hunt them down and rip their hearts out.
To: Harry Kim.
From: Tom Paris. (Running scared and in hiding)
Subject: Sanctuary. Please.
Time: 23.45
Harry, I am hiding in the mess hall Help! Get me help. B'Elanna, Sam, the Delaney twins and half the female population of Voyager are trying to kill me. There hunting me down.
How did I know they wanted to see naked men?
Harry..Harry. hurry I have been spotted..........HELP..
To: Commander Tuvok. Security Chief.
From: Neelix
Subject: HELP NOW
Time: 23.46
Commander, Help, Lieutenant Paris and I are under siege in the mess hall.
To: B'Elanna Torres
From: Sam Wildman
Subject: Prey
Time: 23.47
Paris has been, cornered in the mess hall. Bring reinforcements. He is being aided by Neelix.
To: The Doctor,
From: Harry Kim.
Subject: Mercy Dash.
Time: 23.50
Doc, please meet me in the mess hall I think you may be needed. Hurry, a life is at stake.
To: Commander Tuvok
From: Security Detail (ASSIGNED TO DISTURBANCE IN MESSHALL)
Subject: Assistance Required.
Time: 23.51
Commander we need assistance, as many as you can spare. There are at least 25 females crewmembers, attempting to remove Lieutenant Paris's clothing demanding he replace the strippers?
Your assistance is required. Immediately. They now have Mr Neelix as well.
Help.
To: Bridge Command Crew
From: Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay
Subject: Quiet Night
Time: 07.30
Just to let you know due to the uneventful evening last night, the Commander and I will be taking the night off again tonight. We will be sailing on Lake George.
Please let's make it as quiet as last night.
To: Captain Janeway
From: The E.M.H.
Subject: Unfit for duty
Time: 07.45
Captain, Lieutenant Paris, is not fit for duty today. He is suffering from Shock.
THE END
Feedback: Yes please read and review.
Written for the Astrogirl PADD contest.
Leola Root
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
Chakotay: Would you have a look to see if you have picked up my PADD.
It is one from Neelix and it is regarding future menus.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
I don't know how but, yes; I seem to have it do you need it now?
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
No, they never really need my attention; it's just that Neelix likes to keep me "in the link," as Tom would say.
I've been thinking about that recently actually. That a First Officer willing to deal with those type of requests, would lessen his Captain's workload thus enabling her to spend her time more productively.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
Kathryn do realise the amount of Leola root he uses is beyond reason.
What I don't have enough PADD's of mine own already, in fact now I look at them, I think I have more of yours, than I could ever of picked up by accident. You would not happen to know anything about that would you.
How would taking more baths be productive Kathryn?
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: MISSING PADD.
What makes you think I would have more baths? I do have other things I could be doing.
Really, Chakotay, you have some of my PADD's. However now you mention it my stack is slightly smaller than usual, and No I never noticed about the amount of Leola root being used either.
Nevertheless, it does go to prove my theory that you are the right person to look at the details, for instance the amount of Leola root used by a certain Talaxian chef. I suggest you have a word with him about it. In fact, I will inform Neelix that future menus go through you.
I overheard a conversation between Tom and Harry today, regarding a holodeck programme containing a Strip club. Do you know anything about it?
P.S. I thought you loved Leola root.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Missing PADD.
What gave you that idea? I hate Leola root.
Kathryn how could you make me think of Neelix's Leola root while I'm off duty. You do realise that Star Fleet forbids torture by Leola root, and has done for many years now. Can I ask did you happen to have a reason for contacting me? A legitimate reason that is, other than just to let me know I the majority of your reports, and somehow I am now in charge of Neelix and Leola root. Yippee.
What's this about a strip club?
To: NEELIX
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Future menus.
Time: 20.45
Neelix I have given it some thought and although I have always taken an interest in the dietary requirements for the crew, I now consider that it is only fair that we allow Commander Chakotay to verify the menus. In fact, I happen to know he has a great interest in the wide and varied use of Leola root in cooking.
So please direct, future menus to Commander Chakotay.
Captain Janeway.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Sarcasm.
Why, Commander, sarcasm the lowest form of whit, and does not become you. Yippee. Really Chakotay, what are you thinking.
I am well aware of Star Fleet regulations regarding torture, but they do not include First officers and Leola root.
Chakotay are you really telling me, that you were not aware of a strip club.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Sarcasm I think not.
Kathryn, I am sure there must be somewhere in the deep recess of a regulation book, a rule regarding the protection of First Officers, from Captains who have a fixation with Leola root.
Sarcasm; I think you have taken it the wrong way. I will view the menus, but any time you want the job back do not hesitate to tell me.
I am not aware of anything to do with strip clubs, other than they have naked women.
Would you like me to talk to them both, it will just be a bit of harmless fun.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Strip clubs
Harmless, and fun, I wonder if B'Elanna will see it that way.
What do you mean, "Naked women" what else would they have?
P.S. Chakotay, I assure you there is no protection, Kathryn.
To: FIRST OFFICER.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Change of Responsibility
Time: 20.50
I have informed Neelix as to the change regarding the menus. In future, he will consult you.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY
Subject: Change of Responsibility
Yes, that's fine of course. Strangely enough, I was just considering various ways to cook Leola root, for the Captain.
Kathryn you would not tell B'Elanna. You know what she will do to him, don't you?
Some strip clubs have male strippers as well as females.
FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Leola Root
Tell me Chakotay is this normal off duty activity for you, thinking about Neelix and Leola root. Never ever, think of cooking it, in any of its variations for the Captain.
Commander, are you sure there are male strippers I didn't know that. Not that I am interested.
P.S. And I would not have thought you minded the demise of the helmsman.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Dinner
Well actually, Captain strangely enough, thoughts of Leola and Neelix, had never crossed my mind until I got a PADD regarding the high quantity in usage on board this ship. . There is a certain neighbour of mine, who rarely sits down to eat a meal, living only on caffeine, very high doses of caffeine of course. She is also renowned for her ability to incinerate even replicated meals for herself.
I was considering asking her for dinner. I have just learnt though she has a weakness for Leola root a La Neelix.
Kathryn I never for a moment considered you would be interested in a male stripper.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Dinner accepted. Your place or mine.
WAS.....Is past tense Chakotay and you know, you do not seriously mean that.
However, may I take this opportunity Commander to remind you, the brig is empty? However, it may not remain that way if I am given Leola root at anytime. Understand, Chakotay.
Less of the renowned if you please. Only you know that my replicator and I do not always see eye to eye.
P.S. Chakotay why do you think I would not be interested in male strippers? I am a woman as well as a Captain.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY
Subject: Your place or mine
Obviously that was a slip of the finger Captain, I meant to say I AM asking her for dinner? My place.
Kathryn I had noticed that you are a woman. Would you like me to find out what night the male strippers are on?
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: Neelix (your partner in converting the masses to Leola root.)
Subject: Leola Root (a mouth watering dish)
Time: 20.55
Commander the Captain has just informed me you will be looking over my menus in future; I look forward to many happy hours with you trying out new dishes. I am surprised to find you are a fellow connoisseur of Leola Root; how ever have you managed to keep that a secret.
Leola root in my opinion is an underrated delicacy on board this vessel. For instance, some of the crewmembers refuse to eat it at all. Which as you know is a pointless exercise as I put Leola root in everything I cook.
Obviously now you are championing the cause, that will be in the past.
With you being a connoisseur and extolling the virtues of the Leola root I am sure we will soon have many converted and rallying to its cause, in no time at all.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Dinner
No Chakotay if I need any further information I will find out myself. Not that I would be seen frequenting a strip club, you understand.
I accept the dinner invitation. My PADD'S are finished now and I can be there in say 60 minutes, and Chakotay; hurry up I have not eaten today.
No, I repeat, No Leola root is required, thank you.
To: Neelix
From: Commander Chakotay.
Subject: Leola Root
Time: 20.57
Thank you Neelix, although I do not think my future work schedule will allow me much if any time to be practising menus.
In addition, I am not sure I would call myself a Connoisseur, and I was not aware you added Leola root to everything.
Please could you just forward me the menus?
Deviating form the subject a little. Neelix what do you know, of Strip clubs?
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY
Subject: Dinner
Time: 20.58
No wonder you have finished your PADD's I have most of them.
Kathryn, do I surmise from the fact, you are hungry, and that you have run out of replicator rations and that you're angling to use some of mine. Not I hasten to add that I mind, as you have pointed out the Brig is empty.
However, if I am in the brig I cannot cook dinner. I am considering cooking vegetable curry and rice, followed by Coffee Ice Cream. It could be ready in 30 minutes. Interested.
Oh, by the way I am sure you will be pleased to know, Neelix now thinks I am a connoisseur of Leola root. Kathryn any idea, as to why he would think that?
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Coffee Ice Cream (oh Chakotay you know I ADORE that)
Me? No, who would have told Neelix your interest in Leola root? You hate Leola root.
I will be there in 30 dinner sounds wonderful and yes, I am hungry. I will bring the wine. Chakotay where have you gotten the idea about the brig. Sometimes your imagination runs away with you, how can you provide me with a meal from the brig. I am surprised at you.
P.S. Opps I forgot, I can't bring the wine I am out of replicator rations, and my best friend will not loan me any.
P.P.S. Have you ever considered stripping Chakotay?
To: Tom Paris (It was nice knowing you.)
From: Neelix. (Champion of Leola root.)
Subject: Not to be mentioned in mixed company.
Time: 21.00
Tom, I have just being talking to Chakotay, did you know he is a connoisseur of Leola root? However, he asked me what I knew about Strip clubs? Just making you aware, he might be on your trail.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY. (If you are)
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY
Subject: Who are you and where is my Captain?
Kathryn that is you isn't it. Have I ever stripped, No Kathryn not in public or for financial gain, although for pleasure and if the stripping was by mutual consent with beautiful woman?
No this isn't real it must be a wind up. If this is you, Paris, one of your jokes I will tell B'Elanna about...... you know what.
Just remember Paris, I have your marital happiness, and your life in my hands, just one word from me to B'Elanna and your manhood is as they say history. BE WARNED, PARIS.
Kathryn if this is really you; we can talk mutual stripping when you get here.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Gossip.Tell me more.
Of course, it is I.
But tell me more about the......you know what. Oh, I'd love to get the dirt on Paris, Chakotay, is it anything to do with the strip club?
What did he do...OH COME ON SPILL THE BEANS? I am your best friend and neighbour, not to mention your Captain. I am ordering you to tell me. Please.
I am bored and out of PADD's. Hurry up with dinner.
P.S. I think stripping could be a very positive message about a person's intention. Don't you?
To: Harry Kim.
From: Tom Paris.
Subject: Whom did you tell?
Time: 21.04
Harry, Neelix tells me Chakotay knows about the strip club. Whom have you been telling?
How did he find out?
If he tells the Captain, we could be in the brig, before you put away your clarinet.
P.S. I think Neelix has been at the cooking sherry again, he thinks Chakotay is a Connoisseur of Leola root, strange I've never seen him eat it have you?
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: I cannot tell
Kathryn you would not be bored if you have kept your own PADD's instead of palming them off on unsuspecting First Officers.
I am sorry I can tell you nothing, Tom swore me to secrecy, nothing I repeat nothing could get me to tell. No, it's nothing to do with strip clubs, although.No I really cannot tell.
Yes, Kathryn being naked with a person would be a very strong message. I think we should discuss this further. Soon, please.
To: Tom Paris
From: Harry Kim.
Subject: Leola Root.
Time: 21.08
Tom have you lost the plot. Chakotay knows and you're waffling about Leola root? Some days I despair of you.
No, I have not mentioned the strip club to anyone. Who else have you told; obviously, you have informed Neelix or he wouldn't have known to warn you would he?
Hey, whoa back up there, what do you mean the brig? I know nothing and have done nothing.
Tom, never mind about Chakotay. What about B'Elanna, I think, you would be safer in the brig.
Just keep me out of it, I told you it was a stupid idea. I want to live.
To: Harry Kim.
From: Tom Paris.
Subject: Friendship?
Time: 21.14
Hey friend, long time friend, old buddy, best pal.
How about telling B'Elanna, it was your idea. She is after all your friend. In addition, she has given you a nickname, "Starfleet." Remember. Old friend.
I value my limbs and organs highly, and you know she would not harm a hair on your head. Granted she may shout but.
To: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Too much time wasted.
Chakotay I think we have wasted enough time. I love you, Kathryn.
To: Tom Paris
From: Harry Kim.
Subject: Head
Time: 21.20
Hey, it is not my head I am worried about, I have seen her knee in action remember. I want to be able to father children.
Never mind nicknames she has one for you too. So how does that guarantee my safety exactly, prey tell.
Anyhow, she would never believe it was my idea, she knows you lead me astray. We do not even know if Chakotay has even told B'Elanna.
If he had, wouldn't you be dead by now.
However, you do not want to upset him in case he has not told her yet.
Doesn't he already hold your life in his hands regarding, the incident ....you know what?
My advice, should you choose to take it get rid of the evidence. Go now and erase the holo-programmes. Fast, while you still can.
To: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
From: FIRST OFFICER CHAKOTAY.
Subject: Male strippers (who do you have in mind)
I love you too Kathryn,
P.S. Dinner will be in 5 minutes.
To: COMMANDER CHAKOTAY.
From: CAPTAIN JANEWAY.
Subject: Whom do I have in mind? Guess
Hear that knocking.
Open the door it's me.
To: Harry Kim.
From: Tom Paris.
Subject: Friendship?
Time: 21.25
Oh my God. I forgot THE INCIDENT. If Chakotay talks I am a dead man.
Your right, I am going to erase the programme before she finds out. B'Elanna will rip my heart out and make me eat it, if she finds out.
From: Tuvok Commander of security
To: Captain Janeway C.c. Commander Chakotay
Subject: Lieutenant Paris,
Time: 21.30
I would like to bring to your attention the behaviour of Lieutenant Paris. He has been monitored just erasing a holodeck programme, of a strip club.
To: Tom Paris (man I love)
From: B'Elanna. Light of your life.
Subject: Dinner.
Time: 21.30
Hey, flyboy I cannot make dinner tonight. Sorry.
Guess what? No, you will never guess I'll tell you.
Some one has added a strip club to the holodeck; I am going to add a male stripper option, and the girls and I are going tonight.
Before Tuvok, or some spoilsport, with a death wish finds it and erases it.
So see you later, and Tom get plenty of rest. Just think how seeing, all that naked male flesh (even if it is holographic) could turn a girl on.
Have to go before some idiot erases it. If they do, I will hunt them down and rip their hearts out.
To: Harry Kim.
From: Tom Paris. (Running scared and in hiding)
Subject: Sanctuary. Please.
Time: 23.45
Harry, I am hiding in the mess hall Help! Get me help. B'Elanna, Sam, the Delaney twins and half the female population of Voyager are trying to kill me. There hunting me down.
How did I know they wanted to see naked men?
Harry..Harry. hurry I have been spotted..........HELP..
To: Commander Tuvok. Security Chief.
From: Neelix
Subject: HELP NOW
Time: 23.46
Commander, Help, Lieutenant Paris and I are under siege in the mess hall.
To: B'Elanna Torres
From: Sam Wildman
Subject: Prey
Time: 23.47
Paris has been, cornered in the mess hall. Bring reinforcements. He is being aided by Neelix.
To: The Doctor,
From: Harry Kim.
Subject: Mercy Dash.
Time: 23.50
Doc, please meet me in the mess hall I think you may be needed. Hurry, a life is at stake.
To: Commander Tuvok
From: Security Detail (ASSIGNED TO DISTURBANCE IN MESSHALL)
Subject: Assistance Required.
Time: 23.51
Commander we need assistance, as many as you can spare. There are at least 25 females crewmembers, attempting to remove Lieutenant Paris's clothing demanding he replace the strippers?
Your assistance is required. Immediately. They now have Mr Neelix as well.
Help.
To: Bridge Command Crew
From: Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay
Subject: Quiet Night
Time: 07.30
Just to let you know due to the uneventful evening last night, the Commander and I will be taking the night off again tonight. We will be sailing on Lake George.
Please let's make it as quiet as last night.
To: Captain Janeway
From: The E.M.H.
Subject: Unfit for duty
Time: 07.45
Captain, Lieutenant Paris, is not fit for duty today. He is suffering from Shock.
THE END