Surrogate Jewels - Chapter Eleven
Maedhros




I told him! I told that fool more than once, and in several different ways, all with varying angles of momentousness and subtlety... But did he listen to me? No! Though have I ever been wrong in the past? No! Did I have any reason to purposefully mislead him? No!

Maglor, you poor fool... I love you more than my own life. Can you not see why this kills me? The way you are so conveniently blind, the way you are so ignorantly optimistic, the way you are so unbelievably shocked. Shocked that I'm exasperated with you now. And well of course I am! How could I not be? You've hurt me, Maglor! And I think I will never be strong enough to tell you so. I would not accept your apology any more than I could bear your pity.

As Maglor speaks, I must make a conscious effort to keep quiet, and remain stable. I want to shake him, but I know that would not help. The damage is already done, between my brother and I, and to the Peredhil. Their health has deteriorated and their depression has deepened, as my brother 'confides' in me now. As if this is news to me!

Spite it all. In his voice and on his face I see that Maglor is genuinely concerned for the children of whom he speaks... Well, everyone is concerned, certainly. Earendil's sons are diminishing. It is as if they were apparitions from the start, never really here at all... and now before our very eyes, they are fading away. And Maglor has just assumed, I suppose, that he is the only one who has noticed.

I cannot help but wonder, as Maglor goes on with his speech, what exactly he thought I was talking about all those times I spoke with him on this same subject. Did he allow himself to imagine that just because I left him in peace with his delusions of normalcy that he was actually right? It must be so. I decide, once he finally stops talking long enough to breathe, that I will not bring up the past in this case. It would not do my brother, or I, or the Peredhil, any good. All that matters now is that Maglor is finally seeing things as they truly are...

Although, eventually I cannot help but become rankled in addition to insulted, and without granting myself leave I begin adding in little comments that I know for a fact will infuriate my brother. I feign small gasps of surprise, and add short exclamations such as, 'Oh you suppose?' or 'You don't say...'
Ah yes. I know form centuries of experience that in short time Maglor will become just as aggravated as I. Perhaps later I might feel badly for intentionally trying to wound my brother as he has unintentionally wounded me... But for now, I am enjoying the budding blush burning his cheeks as I mock him so openly.

Maglor finishes at last, with; "I fear that they are irreversibly afflicted; by Sirion's destruction, by their parents' absence... And Maedhros, I just know not what to do anymore..."

I put my hand to my chest, as if about to swoon. "But I thought they loved you now?" I ask as unbelievingly as I can manage.

Obviously making an attempt to ignore my provocation, Maglor responds; "I, too, thought they did, in their own fashion. But now... now..."

I cannot help but laugh out loud. Maglor, Maglor... will he never learn? Surrender is not defeat. Submission is not approval. Tolerance is not love!

My brother releases a scowl he has probably been building up inside of himself since I first began to pester him, and at his grimace I have to laugh even more. I wonder how sweet Maglor will deal with the overwhelming urge to break something, for a change... I know for a fact that fair Maedhros handled it not so easily at all.

Before my brother or I can add to each others' infuriation, a servant enters the chamber, carrying Earendil's sons. Excellent: bait. "Ah!" I cry cheerfully, "And here are the little darlings now!" I go immediately to the nursemaid and remove the Peredhil from her somewhat reluctant arms. "My," I remark in forced awe, "but how little they have grown!" I glance at Maglor, now storming towards me, to make sure he is paying attention. I am met with the most vindictive glower I have ever received from any of my own blood, so naturally I continue, with a voice dipped in the bitterest of honeys; "Whatever haven't you been feeding them?" I chirp. Maglor's ears are now completely crimson, and again I laugh, putting down the children as I regain composure.

Very much to my utter surprise, as soon as the Peredhil are out of my grasp and I am only half-way standing straight, I am met with the most violent back-handed slap I have ever received from anyone. Even through the stinging pain of his hand, I am loathe to believe, to accept, that it was actually Maglor who hit me. But as I stare back into his eyes, his satisfied and remorseless eyes, I know it is so.

"Never..." Maglor snarls at me, hesitating only to grate his teeth, "never again disrespect them with your bitter sarcasm or petty insults."

Oh, foolish brother indeed, to hurt me repeatedly, then continuously tempt me so to hurt him back! Does he not know that I can be ruthless too? Does he think I will not defend myself?

"Or what?" I bark, closing in one stride the short distance between us. I take control of Maglor's head by his hair, and force him to look down at the Peredhil, now huddled together and watching my brother and I apprehensively. "They are not your sons, Maglor," I sneer. "They are not even your friends." I hate the sound of my own angry voice, and I hate that I might be hurting my brother with my own hand, and I hate that it has come to this... but he must know! Once and for all he must understand how he has wronged me, how he has fooled himself, and how he has forsaken us! For them!

I twist Maglor's hair until he faces me again. "But I am your brother...! Your only last living brother!" I pull him into my arms, embracing him as tightly as I ever have. "I am your brother of flesh and blood, and I do love you unconditionally." I let him go, and take a step back, steeling myself for what I must still say. "Yet you would strike me, who loves you and expresses as much in proclamation and deed? You would strike me who is your brother and honors you devoutly, because of them? You would strike me and quarrel with me over two unruly prisoners or war?"

Maglor is silent for several long minutes. If the turmoil in his eyes is any indication, I wager he has just realized exactly what it is he has done.

"I... forgive me. I was so angry, but... it was wrong to strike you. Please, forgive me," he says at last, a quiver in his beautiful voice, and hesitation in his words, as if they do not do his meaning justice.

Forgive him? Ah yes. I can forgive him. I shall forgive him. I do. Me. But not them. Never them. "Aye, brother mine. I forgive you." I feel a burning behind my eyes, and my lips curl in grief more than a smile. "But they...?"I point down at the children, at Maglor's children who will never be mine and who will never be ours. "They never will. I wish you could see that."

That is all I can say, all I can endure... So I leave. I always leave. But retreat is not defeat, either, and I will be back. This is far from over.


***continued***