Chapter Sixteen: Carry You
Hiead dozed; the fingers of an old dream brushed the edges of his sleep.
Sea spray dashed against a high bluff, overlooking the C?ur des Ètoiles Ocean. Light peeked through clouds, vanishing as the wind picked up. A chilly drizzle fell, dampening Hiead's hair, and settling onto his dark green shirt and black jeans.
Wildflowers and grass covered the rocky height; Hiead breathed in the fragrance, eyes on a distant point. What now, Gner? How long will you scan the horizon? How long can you wait for a word that you may never hear again? For a voice that only graces your sleep? He lowered his gaze to the ground, studying the colors at his feet. The darkened sky, and the rain, had given the grasses, poppies, and heathers a jeweled, sharp beauty. He plucked a dark red poppy, which glowed, casting a mystic light across his hand. To reiterate, dear fool: how long will you wait?
He silenced the thought, and spoke: "As long as it takes to number the stars."
Ah, lovey, is that really how you want to spend your days? Even he pledged a vow to another, when he thought you dead.
"But I was dead. Not in the pushing-up-daisies sense of the word, but dead all the same, as far as that mattered." Hiead's voice rose and cracked.
You might have done better to stay dead---no memories, no ties, no lingering reminders of how many wounds you inflicted, and not just on him. Did you really, really think you could just waltz back in, kiss everything better, and ride off with him into the sunset? What a self-centered, manipulative, heartless piece of work you are!
"I never meant to make him cry---" Hiead's voice rasped, as he scanned the horizon. Icy rain needled him, the cold piercing flesh and bone. "I said I'd change, I swore I'd be there."
You put him in harm's way. You and your fucking pride---he nearly died saving your sorry ass.
Hiead moved forward, hair and skin drenched. He crouched at the bluff's edge, looking down at the rocks jutting up from the water. Hey, there's an idea for you. Maybe you can atone for all the wrong you've done? He shook his head, trying to derail the thought train, which roared over the sound of the tide. You cancel all your karmic debt in one fell swoop: no more pain, no more tears in the eyes of those around you, nothing but water to clean the filth from your bones. And maybe you'll get a fresh start.
"No," Hiead murmured, half pleading. "He will find me. He will."
The water hissed, splashing against the rocks.
Will he? Will he want to find you? By now he's probably gotten on with his life. My dearly deluded---you're wasting time here. End this drama, now. Let go.
Hiead stared at the roiling, grey-green tide. "Let go," he whispered.
Yes, lovey. Let go. Let the wave take you.
He crept closer to the edge.
Steel yourself, boy; let nothing deter you now. Hiead drew in a breath, leaning forward. Another voice snapped through his mind.
{Hiead! Where are you?}
{Zero? No, that's an echo from some other world.}
{I'm not some freaking echo, dude. Care to look past the rocks?}
Hiead scanned the distance: a small figure, wearing a grey anorak over a blue flannel shirt and indigo jeans, ran up, seeking out a path to the bluff. Dark hair stuck to the face and neck, in spikes.
Before he could take another step, he felt a strong arm reach out, catching him.
"Hiead," Zero said, "what are you doing?"
The silver-haired man looked down. Should have jumped, while you had the chance. Zero turned him around, tipping his face up. Blue eyes stared into red, bewilderment and sadness glassing them over.
"I will ask you again, Hiead---what are you doing?"
"Leave me alone, Zero Enna," he said, in a hollow voice. "I have a debt to pay."
"Where do you get off telling me that?"
"I do not want you to wear my pain any longer. Go." He paused. "You need someone who doesn't break your heart. Someone to carry you in every way."
"Hiead," Zero replied, "Who said I was wearing your pain? And how did you come to that conclusion?"
"Just go, already! Let me do what I have to do!" {Don't look at me; I want you to remember me as I was.}
Zero wrapped his arms around Hiead. "Koishii," he whispered. {I'm not going. And I will not leave you to your own devices. We promised each other: through joy, through grief, all our lives.}
"No more," Hiead said. "No more." {Let me go! I can't live this way.}
Zero's voice hardened. "You can't live this way? Tell me, who gave you the powers of judge, jury and executioner where your life's concerned?"
Hiead paused, trying to remember how to breathe. His face was impassive; as for his heart, he felt it, thrashing against his ribcage, a broken- winged bird fighting its prison.
"Did it ever occur to you that I might actually give a damn whether you live or die?" Zero's voice wavered a little. "If I let you do this, I would never forgive myself."
Hiead's eyes widened. {Rei.}
Zero loosened his embrace, dropping to one knee. His hands clasped Hiead's; he fixed his gaze on the man in front of him. Tears welled up, darkening the blue eyes. {Please, koishii---stay with me. What you were--- that died ages ago.}
{Then why do I bring pain to those around me? My mother died. My aunt and uncle died. Ikhny killed herself. And I nearly killed you. You shouldn't be here.}
"No. I want to be here. I want to be with you."
Hiead stared at the sea, before returning his gaze to the man kneeling in front of him. He bent down, lifting Zero to his feet.
"I don't want to lose you."
Zero kissed his hands. "Enough." He gathered the silver-haired man in his arms, and whispered, "Let me shelter you." He picked up Hiead, carrying him away from the bluff, cold rain and wind mingling with tears.
Hiead woke to the sound of singing: "When the water's too high, when the water's too high, I will carry you, I will carry you. When the flame is too hot, when the flame is too hot, I will carry you, I will carry you."
Zero smiled, cupping Hiead's face. "I will carry you; I will carry you. When the water's too high, I will carry you."
{Rei---is that you?}
{Breathe, koishii. Take your rest.}
"When the night is too black, when the night is too black, I will carry you, I will carry you. When the water's too high, when the water's too high, I will carry you, I will carry you. I will carry you; I will carry you. When the water's too high, I will carry you."
Zero's voice dropped to a whisper. "When you wake, I will be here. And so will you."
Hiead drifted back to sleep, lulled by a heartbeat and calm, rhythmic breathing.
Author's Notes
Hello everyone! How are you? Thank you so, so much for your patience. And for reading on. Nozomi-san: I totally understand about the lemoning out. It happens. Thanks for the kudos---and your doujinshi is beautiful. Arigatou, merci, muito obrigado, gracias---thank you, for lack of a better word. (And as I have said so many times, dear readers, please do check out HZML at groups.yahoo.com.) Cloa: thank you, as always, for the feedback. KLMeri: thank you! Good to see you again! If there is anyone here that I have left off, please accept my thanks and my apologies. For some reason or other, the fanfiction portion of ff.net is not popping up. Anyway, thank you all.
Language and Geography: in post-GOA Zion, the ocean that borders the Outlands is called "Heart of the Stars," or C?ur des Ètoiles. Where Hiead is, in his nightmare, is a sort of wilderness area to the north of his home in Luritja Cove.
Music notes: the chapter's title comes from the Sam Phillips song, "I Will Carry You," which Zero sings to Hiead, as a way of calming him back to sleep. (A rare occurrence, but one that can happen, all the same.)
Coming up: Clay seems to be having his share of night terrors. He and Saki talk, and reach a conclusion. What will Erts and Kizna do, following their night of passion? And what about Roose and Yamagi? What are they discussing as they make the early morning rounds? Stay tuned.
Your feedback, whatever the stripe, is always welcome. Thank you all.
Antoinette (poetisa)
Hiead dozed; the fingers of an old dream brushed the edges of his sleep.
Sea spray dashed against a high bluff, overlooking the C?ur des Ètoiles Ocean. Light peeked through clouds, vanishing as the wind picked up. A chilly drizzle fell, dampening Hiead's hair, and settling onto his dark green shirt and black jeans.
Wildflowers and grass covered the rocky height; Hiead breathed in the fragrance, eyes on a distant point. What now, Gner? How long will you scan the horizon? How long can you wait for a word that you may never hear again? For a voice that only graces your sleep? He lowered his gaze to the ground, studying the colors at his feet. The darkened sky, and the rain, had given the grasses, poppies, and heathers a jeweled, sharp beauty. He plucked a dark red poppy, which glowed, casting a mystic light across his hand. To reiterate, dear fool: how long will you wait?
He silenced the thought, and spoke: "As long as it takes to number the stars."
Ah, lovey, is that really how you want to spend your days? Even he pledged a vow to another, when he thought you dead.
"But I was dead. Not in the pushing-up-daisies sense of the word, but dead all the same, as far as that mattered." Hiead's voice rose and cracked.
You might have done better to stay dead---no memories, no ties, no lingering reminders of how many wounds you inflicted, and not just on him. Did you really, really think you could just waltz back in, kiss everything better, and ride off with him into the sunset? What a self-centered, manipulative, heartless piece of work you are!
"I never meant to make him cry---" Hiead's voice rasped, as he scanned the horizon. Icy rain needled him, the cold piercing flesh and bone. "I said I'd change, I swore I'd be there."
You put him in harm's way. You and your fucking pride---he nearly died saving your sorry ass.
Hiead moved forward, hair and skin drenched. He crouched at the bluff's edge, looking down at the rocks jutting up from the water. Hey, there's an idea for you. Maybe you can atone for all the wrong you've done? He shook his head, trying to derail the thought train, which roared over the sound of the tide. You cancel all your karmic debt in one fell swoop: no more pain, no more tears in the eyes of those around you, nothing but water to clean the filth from your bones. And maybe you'll get a fresh start.
"No," Hiead murmured, half pleading. "He will find me. He will."
The water hissed, splashing against the rocks.
Will he? Will he want to find you? By now he's probably gotten on with his life. My dearly deluded---you're wasting time here. End this drama, now. Let go.
Hiead stared at the roiling, grey-green tide. "Let go," he whispered.
Yes, lovey. Let go. Let the wave take you.
He crept closer to the edge.
Steel yourself, boy; let nothing deter you now. Hiead drew in a breath, leaning forward. Another voice snapped through his mind.
{Hiead! Where are you?}
{Zero? No, that's an echo from some other world.}
{I'm not some freaking echo, dude. Care to look past the rocks?}
Hiead scanned the distance: a small figure, wearing a grey anorak over a blue flannel shirt and indigo jeans, ran up, seeking out a path to the bluff. Dark hair stuck to the face and neck, in spikes.
Before he could take another step, he felt a strong arm reach out, catching him.
"Hiead," Zero said, "what are you doing?"
The silver-haired man looked down. Should have jumped, while you had the chance. Zero turned him around, tipping his face up. Blue eyes stared into red, bewilderment and sadness glassing them over.
"I will ask you again, Hiead---what are you doing?"
"Leave me alone, Zero Enna," he said, in a hollow voice. "I have a debt to pay."
"Where do you get off telling me that?"
"I do not want you to wear my pain any longer. Go." He paused. "You need someone who doesn't break your heart. Someone to carry you in every way."
"Hiead," Zero replied, "Who said I was wearing your pain? And how did you come to that conclusion?"
"Just go, already! Let me do what I have to do!" {Don't look at me; I want you to remember me as I was.}
Zero wrapped his arms around Hiead. "Koishii," he whispered. {I'm not going. And I will not leave you to your own devices. We promised each other: through joy, through grief, all our lives.}
"No more," Hiead said. "No more." {Let me go! I can't live this way.}
Zero's voice hardened. "You can't live this way? Tell me, who gave you the powers of judge, jury and executioner where your life's concerned?"
Hiead paused, trying to remember how to breathe. His face was impassive; as for his heart, he felt it, thrashing against his ribcage, a broken- winged bird fighting its prison.
"Did it ever occur to you that I might actually give a damn whether you live or die?" Zero's voice wavered a little. "If I let you do this, I would never forgive myself."
Hiead's eyes widened. {Rei.}
Zero loosened his embrace, dropping to one knee. His hands clasped Hiead's; he fixed his gaze on the man in front of him. Tears welled up, darkening the blue eyes. {Please, koishii---stay with me. What you were--- that died ages ago.}
{Then why do I bring pain to those around me? My mother died. My aunt and uncle died. Ikhny killed herself. And I nearly killed you. You shouldn't be here.}
"No. I want to be here. I want to be with you."
Hiead stared at the sea, before returning his gaze to the man kneeling in front of him. He bent down, lifting Zero to his feet.
"I don't want to lose you."
Zero kissed his hands. "Enough." He gathered the silver-haired man in his arms, and whispered, "Let me shelter you." He picked up Hiead, carrying him away from the bluff, cold rain and wind mingling with tears.
Hiead woke to the sound of singing: "When the water's too high, when the water's too high, I will carry you, I will carry you. When the flame is too hot, when the flame is too hot, I will carry you, I will carry you."
Zero smiled, cupping Hiead's face. "I will carry you; I will carry you. When the water's too high, I will carry you."
{Rei---is that you?}
{Breathe, koishii. Take your rest.}
"When the night is too black, when the night is too black, I will carry you, I will carry you. When the water's too high, when the water's too high, I will carry you, I will carry you. I will carry you; I will carry you. When the water's too high, I will carry you."
Zero's voice dropped to a whisper. "When you wake, I will be here. And so will you."
Hiead drifted back to sleep, lulled by a heartbeat and calm, rhythmic breathing.
Author's Notes
Hello everyone! How are you? Thank you so, so much for your patience. And for reading on. Nozomi-san: I totally understand about the lemoning out. It happens. Thanks for the kudos---and your doujinshi is beautiful. Arigatou, merci, muito obrigado, gracias---thank you, for lack of a better word. (And as I have said so many times, dear readers, please do check out HZML at groups.yahoo.com.) Cloa: thank you, as always, for the feedback. KLMeri: thank you! Good to see you again! If there is anyone here that I have left off, please accept my thanks and my apologies. For some reason or other, the fanfiction portion of ff.net is not popping up. Anyway, thank you all.
Language and Geography: in post-GOA Zion, the ocean that borders the Outlands is called "Heart of the Stars," or C?ur des Ètoiles. Where Hiead is, in his nightmare, is a sort of wilderness area to the north of his home in Luritja Cove.
Music notes: the chapter's title comes from the Sam Phillips song, "I Will Carry You," which Zero sings to Hiead, as a way of calming him back to sleep. (A rare occurrence, but one that can happen, all the same.)
Coming up: Clay seems to be having his share of night terrors. He and Saki talk, and reach a conclusion. What will Erts and Kizna do, following their night of passion? And what about Roose and Yamagi? What are they discussing as they make the early morning rounds? Stay tuned.
Your feedback, whatever the stripe, is always welcome. Thank you all.
Antoinette (poetisa)