When Albus Dumbledore Goes Insane -- Bren Eldrid Bera
Chapter One: There is no Chapter One
Summary: We all believe Headmaster Albus D. to be a little sane. Well, this is what happens when he truly goes insane. Features: a fist-fight between two Professors, a headmaster in the nude, and a whole bunch of other crazy things...
Pity me. This is my first Harry Potter fanfic so it is bound to either suck or be extremely mediocre. ~ Blah ~ equals thought, "Blah" equals characters speaking out loud.
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Albus Dumbledore wore a hat. He wore that hat everyday. He never took the hat off. It was his way.
Harry Potter had a scar. He obsessed about this scar everyday. He thought he was the King of Hogwarts. It was his way.
Severus Snape didn't bathe. He thought it inhumane to all the little germs. He didn't have many friends. It was his way.
How did all of these things fit together? Are they relevant to this story at all? Perhaps. Not.
Or maybe they are...
Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was slowly loosing his mind.
He quietly observed this as he clipped off the last of his sideburns. ~ What are they there for anyways? They don't bring in an income! They don't keep me company! They certainly won't hold the key to defeating Voldemort! ~
Setting the scissors down, he leaned back and observed his nude figure in the full-length mirror the school provided him. "That won't do!" He said with a frown and picked up the scissors once more.
Hair flew everywhere as the demented Headmaster cut off his beard. Still not satisfied, he cut off the rest of his hair on his head that was showing. He left the hair that was under his hat. Dumbledore hadn't taken the hat off since he was named Headmaster and didn't see any reason to start now!
Setting the scissors down once more he found that this time he was VERY happy with what he saw. Not a single hair was left visible on his head! "Sexy!" he hissed and gave a big grin.
On one heel, Dumbledore did a quick turn and did a little happy dance a man of his age should not do. It was filled with inappropriate, sexual gestures. In the middle of one such 'move', Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall happened to walk in.
"That Potter boy shouldn't be allowed to flaunt his 'I'm so betterness' attitude around-GOOD GODS!" Snape cried out in a very uncharacteristic manner. "What, by Merlin, are you doing?!?"
Dumbledore stopped. He HAD been doing a little pelvis thrusting. He blinked his eyes several times thinking about this. "I am king of Hogwarts! But now I am going to ride away on my little pony Dibbers!" Dumbledore started galloping around the room, yelling 'Yee haw!' 'Ride Dibbers ride!' and 'MOO!'
McGonagall and Snape simply stared at their delusional Headmaster.
"Shouldn't we do something?" McGonagall finally asked.
"Yes... We probably should." Snape said, still very distracted at the site of his nude Headmaster.
Collecting her wits about her McGonagall held up her wand and shouted, "Enaj Twatchi!" The Headmaster suddenly was frozen in place. McGonagall grimaced and ordered, "Go get him Snape. Put him in that chair."
Snape scowled at McGonagall. "Why do I have to?! I don't want to go near the old coot!"
"Do it Snape! Or else I am going to have to tell a certain Headmaster about a certain Professor's collection of nude photographs of that Headmaster!" Under these terms, the flabbergasted Snape quickly agreed to 'collect the old coot'.
But Snape really did have good reason not to want to touch Dumbledore. The pose he was in wasn't rather appealing. Dumbledore was 'riding' Dibbers certainly, but at the same time, seemed to be jacking off.
"Stupid wench can't do any dirty work..." Snape muttered as he wrapped his arms around the nude Headmaster and dragged his frozen figure over to the appointed chair. "This is soo disgusting!" Snape whined after he finished setting the Headmaster down.
"WHY Severus!" McGonagall mock exclaimed. "You seemed to be enjoying... that. You DID feel him up several times...!"
"Shut up!" Snape said.
But he didn't deny it.
Changing the subject, "What the Hel is going on with the Headmaster? I always thought him to be crazy but... this is going a little far!"
McGonagall pondered this. "The first thing we have to do is get some clothes on the old man."
"Yeah!" Snape said. "Let me do it!" He rushed over to Dumbledore's dresser and started going through his underwear drawer.
"Snape, you sick twisted bastard!" She took out her wand and performed a simple spell that dressed the Headmaster in his proper robes.
Snape looked up at the mention of his name. "Oh poo!" he said when he saw the Headmaster was already dressed. Snape shoved a few pairs of underwear into his robes then walked over to join McGonagall. "Now what?"
"Let's see if Dumbledore is still... under the weather." McGonagall undid the first spell and hoped for the best.
She found the worst. "I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint." Dumbledore broke off into a fit of laughter.
Once again, Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape found themselves staring at their head master.
"I don't think he is better..." Snape said, stating the blatantly obvious. McGonagall smacked him up side the head. "Owe! Hey, whatcha do that for?"
McGonagall glared her icy, 'I'm the Queen Bitch of the Castle So You Better Not Get In My Way' glare. "Stupid, sick twisted bastard..." she muttered.
Suddenly, the situation hit Snape. The headmaster was... off his rocker and the Sorting Ceremony for the new first years was in an hour. "HOLY SHIT!"
McGonagall turned on Snape and slapped his pale face. "You don't swear in Hogwarts! Nobody swears in Hogwarts! It is against the rules or something!" But it was true. You didn't swear in Hogwarts Nobody in Hogwarts swore. It was against the rules or something.
Snape, who now had at least a little color to his face apologized to the royally pissed off Minerva. "Sorry..." He then added in a mutter, "You stupid old wench."
"What was that?"
"Nothing..."
"That is what I thought." Then silence. They stood there for about five minutes looking at the Headmaster. He was grinning and had an EVAL look in his eye, like he wanted to hit someone over the head with a slab of frozen bacon.
"Well..." McGonagall said, breaking the silence. "It doesn't look like Dumbledore is going to get... better anytime soon. I hate to say this, but it looks like we will have to resort to plan Froggy Buttocks Liquor..."
"What is Froggy Butt-OWE! Why did you blasted hit me again?"
"Do you not pay attention at any of the staff meetings? Did you not READ the HANDBOOK? ARGH! I'm dealing with a nincompoop! "
"WHAT THE fuck IS FROGGY BUTTOCKS LIQUOR BESIDES REALLY gay?!?" Snape shouted at McGonagall, patience worn down to a thread.
McGonagall put her fists up and yelled, "That's it! Right here, right now you sick Slytherin Bastard!"
"Oh! So now we are going to get our Houses into it! Well BRING IT ON you prissy Gryfindor Bitch!" Snape brought his fists up and took a mad swing at McGonagall. He missed by at least half a foot.
McGonagall, seeing an opening, took a chance. With a right, a left, and another left, McGonagall broke through Snape's defense and pounded his exterior. Fists flew, well-aimed kicks met their target, and even the occasional 'elbowing', McGonagall threw at the snake Snape in a mad fury.
In that haze, she barely heard the satisfying 'crunch' that meant a bone had broken. Checking herself, she found it wasn't one of hers. McGonagall heard whimpering and saw Snape cowering on the floor in a fetal position.
"Boo ya!" McGonagall shouted. "That is why you don't mess with Gryfindors! They'll go old school on your pale Slytherin asses!" She gave one more kick to Snape before wiping off the sweat that had collect on her forehead. "Gave me quite a work out old boy!"
Snape's whimpering grew louder.
"Come, come," McGonagall said. "I didn't hurt you that badly!" Looking down, she saw how false her statement was. Snape's face had been mutilated to a bloody mess. His left arm was in an unnatural position and his clothes were ripped and worn. McGonagall looked around uncomfortably, not sure what to do.
Suddenly on the defensive, she said, "Well what kind of a EVAL Professor are you if a seventy something witch could beat you up?" McGonagall nodded as if she had proven some sort of point. But still feeling guilty, she took out her wand and did a little restoring spell.
Snape's whimpers stopped and he got up off the floor.
"Here," McGonagall said and started at him. "Let me help you-"
"-DON'T! Touch. Me." Snape said and quickly backed away. Trying to regain his cool, uncaring demeanor, he gathered his robes about him and turned to leave.
"Wait!" McGonagall cried. "What about Froggy Buttocks Liquor?"
An icy glare from Snape stopped any such plan from formulating. He exited the room and left McGonagall to deal with Dumbledore.
"Esh... Touchy!" Sighing, McGonagall turned to the crazed Headmaster. He was very fascinated by the hemming on his new robes. He was slowly unraveling the left sleeve thread by thread. "Don't do that!" She swatted his fingers away from the cuff.
Dumbledore shrank back and shouted, "You a mean old troll!" McGonagall sighed once more and tried to think of what to do. Dumbledore obviously wasn't of a sane mind, but the Sorting Ceremony was only forty-five minutes. She still had to go collect the first years.
~ Damn you Snape! ~
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Rated: PG-13, Disclaimer: HP Not Mine. JHQ (Jack Handy Quote) Not Mine. Friggen story wouldn't even be mine if I hadn't wrote it... But because any author worth reading has an anime or HP story, I thought I'd try my hand! ;)
More crazy antics to come!