Philophobia (The fear of being in love)
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By: Anand Rao
What was I thinking when I made that deal?
Was I thinking when I made that deal?
We stood there, on the front steps, and watched a gleefully content Harriet be whisked away into an ambulance. Mac looked so sad and I was already planning on leaving to fly. . . I guess. . . I just wanted to give her hope; to make her happy.
Mac deserves to be happy. She's going to make such a wonderful mother one day, righting all the wrongs her parents inflicted on her.
At the time, it didn't occur to me that five years would pass by, and so quickly at that, and Mac or I would still be single. After all, at the time I made the deal, I wasn't in love her.
Attracted to her? Yes.
Loyal and caring as a friend? Absolutely.
I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. I'm not really sure when that changed. Somewhere along the course of her engagement to Brumby, I guess. Perfect timing, huh?
I've heard it said that it is human nature to want that which you cannot have. The thing is, I already had Mac. I just let her get away.
So, yes, I love her. I'm not sure that it matters, though. I loved Annie. I loved Jordan. I. . . loved Diane. Hell, in some strange way, I even loved Renee. Things never seemed to work out. Why would it go differently with Mac? I can't quantify love, so as much as I'd like to hope that I love Mac more than I loved any of the others, I can't say for certain. There's nothing in me that says that this will be the right time, that I'll fix myself, stop being selfish, and really give myself over to a relationship.
That's what scares me about the Deal. As the father of a child, especially Mac's child, I can't be selfish. I can't take the same risks with unwavering certainty. Maybe. . . I'll have to give up flying.
I get so stupid where flying is concerned. I'm even worse where Mac is concerned, and when you combine the two, well... It's just too pathetic to talk about. I was so willing to risk losing my flight status during Christmas. It was my choice to help that Marine cargo plane. The CAG could have followed through on his threat, but I wouldn't have changed my actions. I did the right thing. Why can't it be the same with Mac? I'm willing to lose my wings over Toys-4-Tots, but I'm not willing to give them up for the woman I love?
Where's the logic in that?
Maybe it isn't about flying. I can lose my wings, but I can't lose Mac.
I just can't.
The risk of deepening our relationship, of crossing all boundaries, would certainly be worth the reward. But it isn't worth the loss.
If things stayed at the status quo forever, I could be content. Mac wouldn't meet anyone, I wouldn't meet anyone, and I couldn't hurt her heart and push her away. I could live like that. I might even be happy.
But not Mac. She wants more, I know she does. She wants it from me, I know that too. I'm not blind. I can see the look of relief in her eyes when I come back safely from a flight or whatever crazy adventure I unthinkingly set out on. Bless her heart, she never confronts me about it. Like a coward, I let her live with her fears, but what else can I do? Offer her platitudes? Mac deserves better than that and she deserves better than me.
What am I going to do next year? I won't break my promise, but there is no way I can father a child with Mac if we're not in a relationship. I'm going to have to face my fear and take a chance. I have to trust Mac with my heart, and hope she trusts me with hers.
I have some time, though. Not a lot, but enough that I can procrastinate a bit.
What was I thinking when I made that deal?
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End
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By: Anand Rao
What was I thinking when I made that deal?
Was I thinking when I made that deal?
We stood there, on the front steps, and watched a gleefully content Harriet be whisked away into an ambulance. Mac looked so sad and I was already planning on leaving to fly. . . I guess. . . I just wanted to give her hope; to make her happy.
Mac deserves to be happy. She's going to make such a wonderful mother one day, righting all the wrongs her parents inflicted on her.
At the time, it didn't occur to me that five years would pass by, and so quickly at that, and Mac or I would still be single. After all, at the time I made the deal, I wasn't in love her.
Attracted to her? Yes.
Loyal and caring as a friend? Absolutely.
I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. I'm not really sure when that changed. Somewhere along the course of her engagement to Brumby, I guess. Perfect timing, huh?
I've heard it said that it is human nature to want that which you cannot have. The thing is, I already had Mac. I just let her get away.
So, yes, I love her. I'm not sure that it matters, though. I loved Annie. I loved Jordan. I. . . loved Diane. Hell, in some strange way, I even loved Renee. Things never seemed to work out. Why would it go differently with Mac? I can't quantify love, so as much as I'd like to hope that I love Mac more than I loved any of the others, I can't say for certain. There's nothing in me that says that this will be the right time, that I'll fix myself, stop being selfish, and really give myself over to a relationship.
That's what scares me about the Deal. As the father of a child, especially Mac's child, I can't be selfish. I can't take the same risks with unwavering certainty. Maybe. . . I'll have to give up flying.
I get so stupid where flying is concerned. I'm even worse where Mac is concerned, and when you combine the two, well... It's just too pathetic to talk about. I was so willing to risk losing my flight status during Christmas. It was my choice to help that Marine cargo plane. The CAG could have followed through on his threat, but I wouldn't have changed my actions. I did the right thing. Why can't it be the same with Mac? I'm willing to lose my wings over Toys-4-Tots, but I'm not willing to give them up for the woman I love?
Where's the logic in that?
Maybe it isn't about flying. I can lose my wings, but I can't lose Mac.
I just can't.
The risk of deepening our relationship, of crossing all boundaries, would certainly be worth the reward. But it isn't worth the loss.
If things stayed at the status quo forever, I could be content. Mac wouldn't meet anyone, I wouldn't meet anyone, and I couldn't hurt her heart and push her away. I could live like that. I might even be happy.
But not Mac. She wants more, I know she does. She wants it from me, I know that too. I'm not blind. I can see the look of relief in her eyes when I come back safely from a flight or whatever crazy adventure I unthinkingly set out on. Bless her heart, she never confronts me about it. Like a coward, I let her live with her fears, but what else can I do? Offer her platitudes? Mac deserves better than that and she deserves better than me.
What am I going to do next year? I won't break my promise, but there is no way I can father a child with Mac if we're not in a relationship. I'm going to have to face my fear and take a chance. I have to trust Mac with my heart, and hope she trusts me with hers.
I have some time, though. Not a lot, but enough that I can procrastinate a bit.
What was I thinking when I made that deal?
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End