Extinguished Flame By Sakata Ri Houjun
AN: This was a fic I wrote almost two years ago in under 10 minutes during a particularly boring lecture. I had, up until that point anyways, read nothing but fics depicting Tasuki dealing with Chichiri's death, so I decided to turn the tables around. Recently, someone close to me died and I've had to deal with the very feelings that I wrote about in this fic. Death leaves nothing but regrets behind and I wish I had told this person more often that I loved them dearly. So, in tribute to this person, I'm posting this old fic of mine in hopes that any who read it will go to those they love and tell them so everyday lest they are left with regrets.
Warning: Someone has died, incredibly sad.
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I knew it had to be true the moment I felt it. It had been the same sensation with the others, except I felt a part of my soul leave me. An emptiness. That's what was left.
I'm wandering around a bit, denying that it had happened. It couldn't be true. You're a man made of living fire, the very essence of Suzaku. An eternal flame of life. Such poetic words that come straight from my heart and yet they fail to describe your spirit, the vibrancy with which you embrace the world.
I had to see you.I need to clam my fears. I'm using my power to come to you. You remember how much I hate to do that, but I wanted to get to you faster. I keep imagining how surprised you'll be at my visit. Maybe you'll even guess at how I really feel about you.
I've arrived, but I can't go in. My heart's gripped in panic because...because I can't feel you. I remember the last time I saw you. It really wasn't that long ago, but not soon enough.
I'm afraid now. Afraid to go in just as I have been afraid to admit my feelings. I'm scared of the truth. I was meant to be a loner. Yet, I was able to share my journey with you. Not just throughout the four empires, but metaphorically you were able to make me feel as if I belonged.
When I told you that no one person is ever complete, that it's why no one can live alone, I meant it. Not just for me, but for you as well. You have your gang. Kouji and all the others would follow you loyally until the end. But I would willingly give up my life for you out of love if you asked.
It seems strange to roll that word in my head. Love... I've always loved you, but never realized it. I've spent so much of my life shouldering pain and guilt and hid it all behind a paper smile. I took on full responsibility of those around me with no selfish desire of my own. I never shunned this burden because everyone looked to me. I was expected to be strong.
You astounded me with your carefree attitude. Yet proved your loyalty and courage. The day you almost died protecting Miaka from Tamahome, I saw the true depth of you spirit. As I held your broken, bleeding form, I realized that I loved you. Ever since that day, it had been hard for me to hide how I felt. Each day presented an opportunity for me to confess, but I was never one to easily come to terms with my own heart.
I'm in the building now, being led to your chambers. I've been praying to Suzaku that it wasn't true, it all had to be some joke. Yet the others' faces...even Kouji... The fear is still within me.
An errant thought just came to me. The day that Nuriko had died, you tried to convince yourself that it wasn't true. Slowly, as reality sunk in, you couldn't hold back your sorrow. My heart broke to hear you cry on that day. I didn't want you to be that sad, yet all the others expected me to be strong. I had to deny my feelings, putting aside what I wanted, and be a pillar of strength. I didn't cry.
The door's opening. I will be strong. I've been here so many times before, do you remember? I can recall the sound of your voice...And your laughter. I can hear it echoing off the walls. Please don't let it be true...
There you are...Cold...Still...Dead.
It's as if the floor has opened beneath my feet and I'm falling into a bottomless void. Everything has gone silent. Suddenly, strong hand are under my arms and I can feel the floor again. Kouji is leading me to a chair, I can't feel anything anymore. I am completely numb. My eye is still on your...body.
I was certain, so certain, that you and I would grow old together. Visiting each other to remember our friends and relive our adventures. It's funny because I never could picture you as an old man. Imagine, your beautiful red hair turned white, holding on to your tessen with a bony hand, still cursing. If I live to be that old, would I hold onto my quirks as well?
If I live...
No, I will not entertain such thoughts. I threw myself into a river once because the loss of friends was too much for me to bear. I never told you that, did I? Now I never will. I'll also never get to tell you just how I feel about you either. This should hurt, shouldn't it? I feel so numb, I can't even cry.
Kouji is telling me how it happened, but I can't listen. It doesn't really matter how it happened. Any one of a thousand ways can kill a person. The end result is the same. You're gone. I can't stop staring at you.
Kouji's voice has become a hollow echo. His words no longer make sense. Nothing does anymore. It's as if I truly am alone in the world. I have to be strong, though. I'm supposed to be strong.
I stand up. Kouji, the room...they no longer exist now. It's just you and me. Even though it's just your body, an empty shell, it's still you.
You mentioned before that you hated my mask. I only wore it to hide my face from you. Not because of the scar, I overcame that part of my life, but because I didn't want you to see my true feelings. It bothered you, I know, but I was scared. Now, I'll take it off for you. I'll let you see everything. It may be too late, but I want you to know.
Funny, but it looks as if you're asleep. I can feel my mouth pulling at the corners into a smile. A part of me is certain that if I kiss you, you might wake up.
It had always been a dream of mine to be with you, both body and spirit. I always imagined how it would be to feel your lips against mine. Perhaps you'd be shocked if you knew half the things I imagined.
Your skin, it's so cold and unyielding. You don't even smell like you used to. I pull away and close my eye. I can't cry.
I never felt this way when Kouran and Hikou had died. Perhaps it was because I never saw their bodies or maybe I was too young to fully understand the implications of losing someone you love. I finally get to tell you how I feel, but you can't hear me, can you?
I feel a hand on my shoulder and I glance behind me. Kouji has been watching me, he looks pained. Slowly the rest of the room comes back into focus. I feel something wet on my hand. I look at the drop of water. A tear? I have been crying the whole time and never realized it.
Suddenly, a stabbing pain shoots through my chest, squeezing my heart. I can't breathe. I sink to my knees. Oh, Suzaku, it hurts so much. I double over and let out a great, gasping sob. Something inside me has broken and everything is coming out at once. I can't stop it.
Kouji squeezes my shoulder and I cry harder. You are dead and a part of me is gone with you. You were made of fire, a flame that burned into my soul. You alone made me realize that I could love again despite what happened to me. Now, there's only a darkness, your flame is gone and will never burn again.
I know I will never love anyone as passionately as I love you. I can't stand knowing that I never got to tell you this. We'll never be together again in this life. Without you, I'll be hollow and incomplete. How can I expect to survive this?
I can't breathe, I'm crying so hard. Kouji can only watch me, speechless. He's known you longer than I have, but he's not crying. Why can't I be strong now? You're dead and I can't change it. It hurts too much. I can't stand it.
If I only had your courage and strength. If only I could at least stand and be brave. But I'm not you.
Kouji's helping me to my feet and leading me away from you. I don't want to go, but I haven't the strength to fight him. I'm being separated from you. And I can't stop crying.
The door is closed and I can't see you anymore. Kouji is taking me into another room. When he lets me go, I fall to the floor in a heap. I'm still sobbing and shaking. Why can't I stop?
Kouji just stands there, watching me. I know I must look pathetic, but I don't care. Now, I can hear him...crying. Through my tears, I look up at him. I've never seen Kouji cry before.
He sinks to his knees, hands covering his face. Instinctively, I move to him and wrap my arms around his shaking body. My own sobs have stopped now even though the tears continue to fall. Kouji clings to me. I feel my strength return. This is why the others looked to me. All this time, Kouji had been trying to hide his pain, but all his tears weren't shed yet. He must have lost it seeing me like I was. I guess it's perfectly normal to want to deny the pain, but no one is immune.
When I was young, I had cried when Kouran and Hikou died and tried to kill myself because of the shame and lonliness that was left. Now I am alone again and ashamed that I never told you how I felt. But I'm stronger than I was back then. You would have wanted me to continue to live. When it is my turn to die, I will be with you and then confess my love.
It still hurts, but I will cope. All of your gang is gathered silently around your grave. They listen with hope in their hearts as I offer prayers to Suzaku for you to be at peace. Because I love you with all my heart, I too can feel hope because we will meet again.
Kouji hands me your tessen as I prepare to leave. I will take it to Mount Taikyoku for Taiitsukun to place with all the other relics our friends left behind. When I die, my shakujo and everything else will be placed alongside yours even though there is no one left to collect them. However, I am still alive. I will continue to wander and simply exist. It will be hard, but I know I'll survive.
Ugoki dasu uchuu to ima ikite yuki no da.