But A Fragment
By: Can (lucyc_23455@yahoo.com)
Spoilers: Up through Terra Firma
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own them
Many thanks to gbbarb and Neuroscpr for reading
John Crichton looked back one last time before he climbed into his module. He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes, keeping the visions of his home planet in tact for his return to Moya. These would fill him with the hope he needed to continue with his mission.
Saying goodbye to his father and sister was the hardest thing he ever had to do, his heart empty, the love they shared left behind where it belonged, on Earth. He couldn't wear it on his sleeve; it would only be an invitation for any frelling enemy to pick at his brain. John had to shut it off for their sake. He couldn't lead any of his enemies back to them. This was something he had to fight on his own, keeping Earth far from it.
John smiled, thankful for the little time he had spent with them, grateful to his father for restoring the memories of the special day they had always shared, Christmas. He thought he had remembered but knew now he was wrong. He had forgotten it all, distorted by time. John would keep these close to him.
His hand shook slightly as he opened the box his sister had given him, staring at his dead mother's ring. "If only you had been here, mom..," he choked, the tears spilling again.
John let the tears fall, healing his heart, as he fired up the module and ascended into space not daring to look back. His home held happiness and sadness for him, neither of which he could deal with anymore. There were more important things for him to consider and that was preserving the Earth he knew. They weren't ready for the dangers of the universe. He would see to it that they never had to find out.
xxxxx
D'Argo, Aeryn and Chiana had gathered in command after storing the items from Earth. They watched as Sikozu's and Scorpius' pods rejoined Moya, waiting for John's return.
"The module has appeared on my scanners, Ka D'Argo," Pilot said, engaging the docking web. "We should travel back through the wormhole as soon as he is aboard."
"Agreed Pilot," D'Argo replied, impatient to leave this world. Things had changed on John's home planet and that was something the human had feared. He knew John had made the right decision and he would stand by him.
"D'Argo?" Chiana questioned in a low voice. "We are going to tell him aren't we?"
Aeryn snapped her head looking between D'Argo and Chiana. "Tell him what?" She asked concerned, seeing the solemn looks on their faces.
Aeryn watched the Nebari and the Luxan exchange glances, her heart sinking from the unknown. She was tired and hurt, never learning Crichton's answer to her question, the creature attacking his family before he could answer. Now she would never know. Squelching the panic that threatened, Aeryn took a deep breath. "Please.tell me."
D'Argo started slowly, noticing the pained expression on Aeryn's face. "It.it was while you and John were at the .house," D'Argo explained, sighing and dropping his head. The sadness of their death had affected him more than he thought. Continuing in a low voice, he raised his eyes to meet hers. "We.we found.DK and his wife.dead."
Aeryn gasped, her mouth open, not able to utter a word.
Chiana reached for Aeryn's shaking hand, taking it in her own, tightening her grasp to reassure her. "John doesn't know, but we have to tell him. It's only fair." Aeryn turned to Chiana and saw the tears streaming down her cheeks, feeling her own threaten.
"That's why we came to the.house." D'Argo labored over every word. If it was this hard to tell Aeryn, how was he going to tell John?
"We figured you were in trouble." Chiana finished the story for D'Argo, reading the pain in his face. None of them knew how John would react. His fear of changing events had come true.
Aeryn finally found her voice though weak as it was, still shaken by the news. "John will only blame himself. If we hadn't gone back there, this wouldn't have happened."
"There's nothing we can do to change that now, Aeryn," D'Argo stated, hoping it wouldn't impact the planet's intended course.
Aeryn nodded in agreement, wondering if the news would propel John deeper into Granny's drugs, 'to forget', as she put it. She would do everything in her power to prevent this. Aeryn needed to talk to D'Argo without Chiana present.
Turning to Chiana, she asked, "Will you meet John in the bay and help him unload the module? D'Argo and I have a few things to discuss." She glanced sharply at him for a microt then back to Chiana.
Chiana saw the look in Aeryn's eyes, deciding that being with John was the wisest choice. "Um. sure Aeryn," Chiana said backing out of the room, feeling the tension that was building. "I'll be back later."
D'Argo waited until Chiana left before looking at Aeryn. "What is it?" He had seen the look Aeryn had shot him only microts ago, waiting to hear the dren he was sure was coming.
Aeryn reached into her vest pocket and pulled out the laka. Circling it around in her fingers, her gaze fixed on it, she asked her question. "Did you know about this?" Aeryn raised her eyes and held the herb in front of him.
D'Argo looked away. He knew this wasn't going to be pleasant. "Yes."
The disgust showed on Aeryn's face. "You knew and did nothing about it?" She moved around the Luxan into his line of vision. "You say you are his friend? Well friends don't let this happen!" Aeryn shoved the root in his face, the anger filling her.
D'Argo's head snapped up, his words precise, his anger matching hers. "Don't Aeryn! Stop now before I say something I will regret!" The Luxan lowered his voice, the anger waning as his eyes bored into hers. "You don't know what he's had to deal with. So don't be so quick to judge!"
Aeryn stood rigid, her expression guarded. "So we're back to that again, D'Argo." She turned her back to him and leaned her elbows on the console, placing both hands on either side of her head. "It has to stop! Sooner or later all the excuses have to stop, or he'll be lost forever and you know that!" She spun around and faced him now, twirling the drug between her fingers. "Should I just offer this to John when we tell him about DK? Encourage him?"
The Luxan shifted uneasily on his feet, listening to the words spew from her tongue. "I didn't say that Aeryn.you know what I meant!" D'Argo felt deflated. He knew what Aeryn said was true, they were just excuses. It was time John moved on without it.
"Perhaps you can enlighten me then. Tell me what you mean," Aeryn replied, her anger under control, waiting for an answer.
D'Argo turned his eyes to the ceiling, unable to meet hers. He knew why John took the drug, but didn't feel he could tell her. They seemed to be getting along better now and he didn't want to do anything to ruin it. His explanation would only hurt her and cause her to retreat from him again.
The silence lingered, the lack of sound, deafening to her. "Don't bother! The old woman already told me," she spat at him, her eyes clouded, pushing past him and out of command.
"Frell!" D'Argo shouted, slamming his fist on the console. 'Why now?' He asked himself.
xxxxx
Chiana greeted John as he climbed down from his ship. "Hey old man! Good to see you again," she said, her voice giddy with happiness, flinging herself into John's arms. Looking up at him, she planted a kiss on his cheek. "Missed ya!"
John smiled, but Chiana could see the strain he had been under. It wasn't his usual carefree smile that she was used to seeing.
"I missed you too, Pip. It's good to be back on Moya," John replied, gently pulling away from her. His gaze rested on the interior of the ship, feeling the comfort he had sorely missed. John thought this ironic, since he had finally gone home, but felt alien in the one place he shouldn't have. He had never truly realized until now how much he had changed.
Chiana saw the sadness in his face; sure it was from having to leave his planet. "Don't worry John, you'll see them again." Her voice was filled with optimism, trying to give him hope.
This time John's smile was genuine. "Chiana, I'm fine, really. This is my home now." John grabbed her hand and pulled her with him towards the exit. "Where's the rest of the gang?"
Chiana's heart lifted seeing the gloom fall to the wayside, happiness filling his voice. She giggled as she answered him. "They're waiting for us in command. I'll tell D'Argo we're on our way." Chiana tapped her come to inform the Luxan as John pulled her down the corridor, the safety factor playing into his good mood.
xxxxx
Aeryn felt more like herself after splashing the water over her face and neck. It had been a tense and tiring trip for all of them, especially John. She knew he had withheld the secrets he so desperately had wanted to tell, but after gauging their reactions to the little he did divulge, he only told his dad a few important points. The most important was to monitor the wormhole or close it. It would only lead to hostile aliens entering Earth's atmosphere to either destroy them or to find him. The creature was the example John used to get his meaning across.
They all knew it had come looking for him. Jack had listened intently, promising John he would only repeat what they needed to know to protect Earth. This satisfied John, so he left it in his father's hands. He knew he had to trust someone, and his father had proven himself at the press conference. Aeryn heard her comm crackle, reaching over to the bed to pick it up. She was sure she knew what it was about, dreading what was to come. The voice came through before Aeryn could reattach it to her vest.
"Aeryn, John and Chiana are on their way to command. I think it would be best if you were here when we tell him the news," D'Argo said, hoping she would agree for John's sake. He knew they weren't on the best terms now, but he didn't think she would allow it to cloud her judgment.
Aeryn sighed heavily trying to find the strength she needed to help John through this. She didn't want him relying on drugs anymore. She wanted him to rely on her like the old days and this was the time to cause that change.
Fastening the comm to her vest she acknowledged him. "I'll be right there."
xxxxx
John walked into command with Chiana by his side, his mood still light. "Hey there D," he said slapping D'Argo on the shoulder. "It feels good to be back home." He slowly ran his hand over the console as if he treasured it. Pilot felt his light touch, pleased they were safe.
"Welcome Commander, Moya and I have missed you." When the crew left the Leviathan, Pilot feared they would never rejoin her. He was overwhelmed with happiness when all the ships returned to the hangar.
"Same here, Pilot, so let's get the frell out of here!" John stated, walking to the view screen, taking one last look at Earth before they returned through the wormhole.
"I'll miss you guys," John whispered to himself, his thoughts only for his father and Livvy. "Love ya." He turned away, wiping the wetness from his cheeks and walked back to the console. It was time for him to get Moya through the wormhole and take their chances on the other side of the universe.
Blocking out the family he was leaving, he took the controls and issued the command. "Now Pilot."
The Leviathan soared towards the spiraling tunnel that would take them back to the world they had survived in for four cycles, knowing the battle had just begun. The crew braced themselves for the torrent they would encounter passing through again, except John, he embraced it. With every painful twist and turn he at least knew he was alive. Sometimes he wondered, feeling only numb to everyone and everything around him. He had become distant even to himself.
The Leviathan smoothed out as she exited the wormhole, flying gracefully in familiar territory again.
"Ah.home sweet home," John jokingly said. "As if there is such a place."
John turned as he saw Aeryn enter out of the corner of his eye. She joined him at the console rubbing her arm. "You could have at least warned me."
John hadn't realized Aeryn wasn't in command when he arrived. "Sorry about that, Aeryn. I just wanted to get the hell out of dodge.the sooner the better," John replied, flipping several switches on the console, returning complete control over to Pilot. "She's all yours, Pilot. Take us somewhere safe."
John stood erect, feeling the muscles in his shoulders and neck crack. He didn't realize he had been so tense, gently turning his head side to side to get the kinks out. He needed a hot shower and some sleep. John knew he was running out of steam.
Aeryn looked at his movements, puzzled. "Is everything all right, John?" She asked sincerely, finding herself turning slightly with him.
John stretched his arms over his head as he replied, "Yeah. just loosening up a bit." He checked the controls again and called to Pilot. "If you don't need me anymore, I'm gonna get cleaned up." John's mood had taken a turn, his voice mellow, the tiredness creeping in.
D'Argo and Chiana exchanged looks, aware they couldn't let John leave until he knew. D'Argo started towards John at the same time Aeryn placed her hand on his arm. "Wait, John. There is something you should know first." The anger Aeryn had felt earlier was gone. Her main concern was him and how he was going to take the news about his friends. Perhaps this wasn't the time to deal with two issues.
D'Argo decided to let Aeryn tell him as he stood next to her, hoping she felt his support. Chiana drew up beside John in case he needed her.
John saw the solemn faces, his own questioning, silent, waiting for Aeryn to explain. She inhaled deeply and continued. "D'Argo and Chiana have told me that on the night we were attacked in your family's home, it seems the creature.killed.DK and his wife before coming after us." Aeryn studied John's face, surprised at his lack of reaction. She shuddered fearing the drug was affecting his mind.
John backed up, feeling smothered by the parties around him. He rubbed his eyes as he commented. "I need some sleep. I'm going to my quarters." John started walking towards the exit when Aeryn called after him.
"You did hear me correctly, didn't you, John? Your best friend is.dead!" Aeryn felt chilled by the coldness she witnessed in him. He was already lost if this didn't affect him. John stopped, his back still to his crewmates. "I knew before I left.my dad told me." If they hadn't been listening so hard they might have missed his comment, his voice muffled like he was talking to himself. John picked up his stride and continued to his quarters, leaving his shipmates standing there stunned.
xxxxx
John entered his cell and lowered his weary body into the chair by the table. He gazed around his quarters welcoming the quiet that finally blessed him. He was tired of the prattle and most of all he wished they hadn't brought DK up.
It was painful enough when his father had told him, but now it was all crashing around him again, the echoes of all the voices ringing in his ears.
John leaned back in the chair, the exhaustion taking over. He finally shed the tears he wouldn't allow to come earlier, thinking about his friend, staring off as if in a trance. His anguish overwhelmed him; letting it out a relief.
No one had believed in him at first but DK. He was the one who kept pushing John along to make his dream real and now he was dead. Einstein had warned him about the possibilities and now something had changed, all because of him. He was the danger to his own planet, their thorn in the side.
Leaning his hand on the table he pushed his tired body to its feet, intent on a hot shower and sleep. Before he could make it to the closet, he heard a knock on the door, the intruder entering before he could say a word. He quickly wiped the tears away, not wanting anyone to see them. John had been mourning DK in his own way, in private. It wasn't for others to see.
John glanced towards the door, his eyes still red, staring as Aeryn approached. "Damn, can't I have a microt to myself?"
Aeryn stopped, hearing the reproach in his voice, watching him turn his back to her, his arms up wiping something from his face. She wasn't sure but she thought she might have caught him at a bad moment. "John.is everything alright?" Her voice was gentle, realizing now John had been crying, the slight sniffle penetrating her ears.
"Um.yeah Aeryn. I just wanted some.privacy," John replied, biting his upper lip, his hands on his hips, staring at the ceiling willing her to go away. There was too much he had to deal with, he didn't need her added to the immediate list. So far he had been able to hold her at bay and that was the way he wanted to keep it.
Aeryn understood the pain he was feeling but still the same she knew he had to face reality. "We need to talk," she said, wishing it was under better circumstances. Talk, talk. he was all talked out. He had no desire to talk to anyone, just get the job done and get out. That's all he wanted anymore. His life was too frelled for anything else.
The silence lingered too long for Aeryn. "John?"
John rubbed his eyes, wishing he could ignore her. He didn't want to breakdown again, the thoughts of his family and DK still fresh in his mind. He had allowed himself that moment to reminisce and now it was tearing him apart. He could have put himself back together if given the time, but Aeryn hadn't allowed it, unbeknownst to her.
"Yes.no.Aeryn there's nothing to talk about!" John shouted, turning to her, his blue eyes clouded with tears. "Two of my friends are dead and that is my fault! I knew the chance I was taking coming back to Earth! Yeah Aeryn, I blew it!" John ran his hands through his hair, the anger still commanding him. He couldn't stop himself, his whole being filled with hatred for fate sending him here in the first place, changing the direction of his life and his family's. "I'm not the golden boy. I make mistakes, but at least I admit them!"
Aeryn didn't know how to handle John's revelations. She didn't want to say anything that would inflame him, but she knew somehow she needed to do something to sooth the boiling waters. This was not a reaction she had expected from him, realizing now she had discounted D'Argo when she should have listened. John was fragile and she hadn't seen that.
Aeryn held up both her hands, her palms facing him. "Please John. I never said any of this was your fault. You are dealing with things that others have forced upon you. None of this is your doing." Her voice was gentle as she took one step forward waiting for his reaction.
John met her eyes, surprised by her words. He definitely felt less than perfect and here she was telling him it wasn't his fault. He desperately needed to hear that from someone, the guilt weighing heavily on him. DK and Laura's murder brought back all the deaths caused by his hand, the painful memories flashing vividly through his brain, the agony causing him to stagger back, gripping his head to make the pounding stop. Even though he knew deep down it was survival, it still didn't lessen the impact.
Aeryn paled and ran to John's side when she saw him lose his balance. She grabbed his arm and eased him into the chair. "What happened?" She asked bending over him.
John held his head in his hands waiting for the throbbing to stop. He shook his head, whispering, "It.it happens.sometimes. I don't know."
Aeryn bit her tongue, feeling she knew the source of his problem, but it wasn't the time to voice it. It was something she would approach later. "You should let Sikozu run a scan on you," Aeryn said, worried still the same.
John chuckled, lifting his head slightly. "What.and let Scorpius get a look at the inner workings of my brain? I think I'll pass," John stated, rubbing his temples as the pain eased. "Besides I'm fine, just tired that's all. This has definitely been a vacation to remember," John continued, getting to his feet despite Aeryn's protests.
"At least let me help you." Aeryn placed her hand on his arm, ready to guide him to the bed.
John twisted out of her grasp, her touch sending pulsations through him, ones that sent fear through his heart. "I told you I'm fine. but thank you," he stated, staring into her eyes, wanting the one thing he couldn't have. He looked away quickly, afraid of what he might do. The barrier he had built was rapidly erected again, shutting everyone and everything out.
Aeryn had seen the softening and for a microt she had hoped. His sudden mood change took her by surprise. "What the frell is wrong with you John? Talk to me!"
Aeryn's pleas were crushing him. He fought the feelings that threatened to break him, even though his soul demanded it. John only wanted to take her in his arms and love her, but he couldn't. He couldn't give into the emotions that would only endanger her.
He was like a cat with nine lives and his were running out. He should've been lying alongside the trail of bodies he had left in his wake. John was determined Aeryn wasn't going to be one of the fatalities, and if he should perish this time, at least it wouldn't be as painful for her as it was when his twin died. He would never forget the broken woman he had seen in the hangar the day they reunited with Talyn. It had totally taken the life out of him also. He would never let that happen to Aeryn again. As ironic as it seemed, the love he guarded from her, was for her. It was all he could give her.
John pulled himself back together enough to speak. barely. He dropped his head, fingering his lip and then laid his hand on the wall, using it for a brace to hold his body erect. Glancing over his shoulder and back, he finally found his voice. "Aeryn, I'm all talked out for now. How about later.after I've slept?"
Aeryn saw his slumped shoulders and heard the weakness in his voice. She nodded in assent, understanding, but wishing otherwise. She would wait and approach him later as much as that hurt. Aeryn wanted to get on with life and he was the only one she wanted to share it with. "Alright John.we'll continue this after you have slept. I know you must be tired." Aeryn turned to leave the room, but John's voice stopped her.
"Your question.the one you asked me at my dad's house. I.I.didn't want you to leave." John felt the tears wash over him, his jaw shaking at the same time he bit his lip trying to stop the flow. He couldn't let her know, keeping his back to her.
Aeryn smiled, the hope alive in her again. "I didn't want to," she said simply, turning and exiting his cell, her heart full from his words. She headed to command feeling he had finally given her a fragment to hold onto.
John heard the footsteps as she left his room. He slowly walked over to the door, feeling empty, palming it shut. He drew the curtain, wanting to be alone. John took two steps and felt his legs give out. He reached for the wall and backed himself against it, sliding to the floor, his body shaking from the sobs, the dam finally breaking. "I'm so sorry babe," he said wrapping his arms around himself, letting the tears fall freely. "I wish it could be different, but I can't let you get close to me again.ever."
He sat there rocking himself back and forth, his heart filled with Aeryn, but not able to show it. Their love for each other was the danger, the Peacekeepers and Scarrans waiting for the microt they could use it for their own end. The only way he knew to keep her safe was to still hold her at a distance, allowing himself the glimpses from the shadows that he had become accustomed to, his quarters the only safe zone for him.
John pulled himself tighter, the tears still streaming down his face. "If only, Aeryn. if only.."
As he was Earth's Achilles heel; she was his.
Many thanks to gbbarb and Neuroscpr for reading
John Crichton looked back one last time before he climbed into his module. He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes, keeping the visions of his home planet in tact for his return to Moya. These would fill him with the hope he needed to continue with his mission.
Saying goodbye to his father and sister was the hardest thing he ever had to do, his heart empty, the love they shared left behind where it belonged, on Earth. He couldn't wear it on his sleeve; it would only be an invitation for any frelling enemy to pick at his brain. John had to shut it off for their sake. He couldn't lead any of his enemies back to them. This was something he had to fight on his own, keeping Earth far from it.
John smiled, thankful for the little time he had spent with them, grateful to his father for restoring the memories of the special day they had always shared, Christmas. He thought he had remembered but knew now he was wrong. He had forgotten it all, distorted by time. John would keep these close to him.
His hand shook slightly as he opened the box his sister had given him, staring at his dead mother's ring. "If only you had been here, mom..," he choked, the tears spilling again.
John let the tears fall, healing his heart, as he fired up the module and ascended into space not daring to look back. His home held happiness and sadness for him, neither of which he could deal with anymore. There were more important things for him to consider and that was preserving the Earth he knew. They weren't ready for the dangers of the universe. He would see to it that they never had to find out.
xxxxx
D'Argo, Aeryn and Chiana had gathered in command after storing the items from Earth. They watched as Sikozu's and Scorpius' pods rejoined Moya, waiting for John's return.
"The module has appeared on my scanners, Ka D'Argo," Pilot said, engaging the docking web. "We should travel back through the wormhole as soon as he is aboard."
"Agreed Pilot," D'Argo replied, impatient to leave this world. Things had changed on John's home planet and that was something the human had feared. He knew John had made the right decision and he would stand by him.
"D'Argo?" Chiana questioned in a low voice. "We are going to tell him aren't we?"
Aeryn snapped her head looking between D'Argo and Chiana. "Tell him what?" She asked concerned, seeing the solemn looks on their faces.
Aeryn watched the Nebari and the Luxan exchange glances, her heart sinking from the unknown. She was tired and hurt, never learning Crichton's answer to her question, the creature attacking his family before he could answer. Now she would never know. Squelching the panic that threatened, Aeryn took a deep breath. "Please.tell me."
D'Argo started slowly, noticing the pained expression on Aeryn's face. "It.it was while you and John were at the .house," D'Argo explained, sighing and dropping his head. The sadness of their death had affected him more than he thought. Continuing in a low voice, he raised his eyes to meet hers. "We.we found.DK and his wife.dead."
Aeryn gasped, her mouth open, not able to utter a word.
Chiana reached for Aeryn's shaking hand, taking it in her own, tightening her grasp to reassure her. "John doesn't know, but we have to tell him. It's only fair." Aeryn turned to Chiana and saw the tears streaming down her cheeks, feeling her own threaten.
"That's why we came to the.house." D'Argo labored over every word. If it was this hard to tell Aeryn, how was he going to tell John?
"We figured you were in trouble." Chiana finished the story for D'Argo, reading the pain in his face. None of them knew how John would react. His fear of changing events had come true.
Aeryn finally found her voice though weak as it was, still shaken by the news. "John will only blame himself. If we hadn't gone back there, this wouldn't have happened."
"There's nothing we can do to change that now, Aeryn," D'Argo stated, hoping it wouldn't impact the planet's intended course.
Aeryn nodded in agreement, wondering if the news would propel John deeper into Granny's drugs, 'to forget', as she put it. She would do everything in her power to prevent this. Aeryn needed to talk to D'Argo without Chiana present.
Turning to Chiana, she asked, "Will you meet John in the bay and help him unload the module? D'Argo and I have a few things to discuss." She glanced sharply at him for a microt then back to Chiana.
Chiana saw the look in Aeryn's eyes, deciding that being with John was the wisest choice. "Um. sure Aeryn," Chiana said backing out of the room, feeling the tension that was building. "I'll be back later."
D'Argo waited until Chiana left before looking at Aeryn. "What is it?" He had seen the look Aeryn had shot him only microts ago, waiting to hear the dren he was sure was coming.
Aeryn reached into her vest pocket and pulled out the laka. Circling it around in her fingers, her gaze fixed on it, she asked her question. "Did you know about this?" Aeryn raised her eyes and held the herb in front of him.
D'Argo looked away. He knew this wasn't going to be pleasant. "Yes."
The disgust showed on Aeryn's face. "You knew and did nothing about it?" She moved around the Luxan into his line of vision. "You say you are his friend? Well friends don't let this happen!" Aeryn shoved the root in his face, the anger filling her.
D'Argo's head snapped up, his words precise, his anger matching hers. "Don't Aeryn! Stop now before I say something I will regret!" The Luxan lowered his voice, the anger waning as his eyes bored into hers. "You don't know what he's had to deal with. So don't be so quick to judge!"
Aeryn stood rigid, her expression guarded. "So we're back to that again, D'Argo." She turned her back to him and leaned her elbows on the console, placing both hands on either side of her head. "It has to stop! Sooner or later all the excuses have to stop, or he'll be lost forever and you know that!" She spun around and faced him now, twirling the drug between her fingers. "Should I just offer this to John when we tell him about DK? Encourage him?"
The Luxan shifted uneasily on his feet, listening to the words spew from her tongue. "I didn't say that Aeryn.you know what I meant!" D'Argo felt deflated. He knew what Aeryn said was true, they were just excuses. It was time John moved on without it.
"Perhaps you can enlighten me then. Tell me what you mean," Aeryn replied, her anger under control, waiting for an answer.
D'Argo turned his eyes to the ceiling, unable to meet hers. He knew why John took the drug, but didn't feel he could tell her. They seemed to be getting along better now and he didn't want to do anything to ruin it. His explanation would only hurt her and cause her to retreat from him again.
The silence lingered, the lack of sound, deafening to her. "Don't bother! The old woman already told me," she spat at him, her eyes clouded, pushing past him and out of command.
"Frell!" D'Argo shouted, slamming his fist on the console. 'Why now?' He asked himself.
xxxxx
Chiana greeted John as he climbed down from his ship. "Hey old man! Good to see you again," she said, her voice giddy with happiness, flinging herself into John's arms. Looking up at him, she planted a kiss on his cheek. "Missed ya!"
John smiled, but Chiana could see the strain he had been under. It wasn't his usual carefree smile that she was used to seeing.
"I missed you too, Pip. It's good to be back on Moya," John replied, gently pulling away from her. His gaze rested on the interior of the ship, feeling the comfort he had sorely missed. John thought this ironic, since he had finally gone home, but felt alien in the one place he shouldn't have. He had never truly realized until now how much he had changed.
Chiana saw the sadness in his face; sure it was from having to leave his planet. "Don't worry John, you'll see them again." Her voice was filled with optimism, trying to give him hope.
This time John's smile was genuine. "Chiana, I'm fine, really. This is my home now." John grabbed her hand and pulled her with him towards the exit. "Where's the rest of the gang?"
Chiana's heart lifted seeing the gloom fall to the wayside, happiness filling his voice. She giggled as she answered him. "They're waiting for us in command. I'll tell D'Argo we're on our way." Chiana tapped her come to inform the Luxan as John pulled her down the corridor, the safety factor playing into his good mood.
xxxxx
Aeryn felt more like herself after splashing the water over her face and neck. It had been a tense and tiring trip for all of them, especially John. She knew he had withheld the secrets he so desperately had wanted to tell, but after gauging their reactions to the little he did divulge, he only told his dad a few important points. The most important was to monitor the wormhole or close it. It would only lead to hostile aliens entering Earth's atmosphere to either destroy them or to find him. The creature was the example John used to get his meaning across.
They all knew it had come looking for him. Jack had listened intently, promising John he would only repeat what they needed to know to protect Earth. This satisfied John, so he left it in his father's hands. He knew he had to trust someone, and his father had proven himself at the press conference. Aeryn heard her comm crackle, reaching over to the bed to pick it up. She was sure she knew what it was about, dreading what was to come. The voice came through before Aeryn could reattach it to her vest.
"Aeryn, John and Chiana are on their way to command. I think it would be best if you were here when we tell him the news," D'Argo said, hoping she would agree for John's sake. He knew they weren't on the best terms now, but he didn't think she would allow it to cloud her judgment.
Aeryn sighed heavily trying to find the strength she needed to help John through this. She didn't want him relying on drugs anymore. She wanted him to rely on her like the old days and this was the time to cause that change.
Fastening the comm to her vest she acknowledged him. "I'll be right there."
xxxxx
John walked into command with Chiana by his side, his mood still light. "Hey there D," he said slapping D'Argo on the shoulder. "It feels good to be back home." He slowly ran his hand over the console as if he treasured it. Pilot felt his light touch, pleased they were safe.
"Welcome Commander, Moya and I have missed you." When the crew left the Leviathan, Pilot feared they would never rejoin her. He was overwhelmed with happiness when all the ships returned to the hangar.
"Same here, Pilot, so let's get the frell out of here!" John stated, walking to the view screen, taking one last look at Earth before they returned through the wormhole.
"I'll miss you guys," John whispered to himself, his thoughts only for his father and Livvy. "Love ya." He turned away, wiping the wetness from his cheeks and walked back to the console. It was time for him to get Moya through the wormhole and take their chances on the other side of the universe.
Blocking out the family he was leaving, he took the controls and issued the command. "Now Pilot."
The Leviathan soared towards the spiraling tunnel that would take them back to the world they had survived in for four cycles, knowing the battle had just begun. The crew braced themselves for the torrent they would encounter passing through again, except John, he embraced it. With every painful twist and turn he at least knew he was alive. Sometimes he wondered, feeling only numb to everyone and everything around him. He had become distant even to himself.
The Leviathan smoothed out as she exited the wormhole, flying gracefully in familiar territory again.
"Ah.home sweet home," John jokingly said. "As if there is such a place."
John turned as he saw Aeryn enter out of the corner of his eye. She joined him at the console rubbing her arm. "You could have at least warned me."
John hadn't realized Aeryn wasn't in command when he arrived. "Sorry about that, Aeryn. I just wanted to get the hell out of dodge.the sooner the better," John replied, flipping several switches on the console, returning complete control over to Pilot. "She's all yours, Pilot. Take us somewhere safe."
John stood erect, feeling the muscles in his shoulders and neck crack. He didn't realize he had been so tense, gently turning his head side to side to get the kinks out. He needed a hot shower and some sleep. John knew he was running out of steam.
Aeryn looked at his movements, puzzled. "Is everything all right, John?" She asked sincerely, finding herself turning slightly with him.
John stretched his arms over his head as he replied, "Yeah. just loosening up a bit." He checked the controls again and called to Pilot. "If you don't need me anymore, I'm gonna get cleaned up." John's mood had taken a turn, his voice mellow, the tiredness creeping in.
D'Argo and Chiana exchanged looks, aware they couldn't let John leave until he knew. D'Argo started towards John at the same time Aeryn placed her hand on his arm. "Wait, John. There is something you should know first." The anger Aeryn had felt earlier was gone. Her main concern was him and how he was going to take the news about his friends. Perhaps this wasn't the time to deal with two issues.
D'Argo decided to let Aeryn tell him as he stood next to her, hoping she felt his support. Chiana drew up beside John in case he needed her.
John saw the solemn faces, his own questioning, silent, waiting for Aeryn to explain. She inhaled deeply and continued. "D'Argo and Chiana have told me that on the night we were attacked in your family's home, it seems the creature.killed.DK and his wife before coming after us." Aeryn studied John's face, surprised at his lack of reaction. She shuddered fearing the drug was affecting his mind.
John backed up, feeling smothered by the parties around him. He rubbed his eyes as he commented. "I need some sleep. I'm going to my quarters." John started walking towards the exit when Aeryn called after him.
"You did hear me correctly, didn't you, John? Your best friend is.dead!" Aeryn felt chilled by the coldness she witnessed in him. He was already lost if this didn't affect him. John stopped, his back still to his crewmates. "I knew before I left.my dad told me." If they hadn't been listening so hard they might have missed his comment, his voice muffled like he was talking to himself. John picked up his stride and continued to his quarters, leaving his shipmates standing there stunned.
xxxxx
John entered his cell and lowered his weary body into the chair by the table. He gazed around his quarters welcoming the quiet that finally blessed him. He was tired of the prattle and most of all he wished they hadn't brought DK up.
It was painful enough when his father had told him, but now it was all crashing around him again, the echoes of all the voices ringing in his ears.
John leaned back in the chair, the exhaustion taking over. He finally shed the tears he wouldn't allow to come earlier, thinking about his friend, staring off as if in a trance. His anguish overwhelmed him; letting it out a relief.
No one had believed in him at first but DK. He was the one who kept pushing John along to make his dream real and now he was dead. Einstein had warned him about the possibilities and now something had changed, all because of him. He was the danger to his own planet, their thorn in the side.
Leaning his hand on the table he pushed his tired body to its feet, intent on a hot shower and sleep. Before he could make it to the closet, he heard a knock on the door, the intruder entering before he could say a word. He quickly wiped the tears away, not wanting anyone to see them. John had been mourning DK in his own way, in private. It wasn't for others to see.
John glanced towards the door, his eyes still red, staring as Aeryn approached. "Damn, can't I have a microt to myself?"
Aeryn stopped, hearing the reproach in his voice, watching him turn his back to her, his arms up wiping something from his face. She wasn't sure but she thought she might have caught him at a bad moment. "John.is everything alright?" Her voice was gentle, realizing now John had been crying, the slight sniffle penetrating her ears.
"Um.yeah Aeryn. I just wanted some.privacy," John replied, biting his upper lip, his hands on his hips, staring at the ceiling willing her to go away. There was too much he had to deal with, he didn't need her added to the immediate list. So far he had been able to hold her at bay and that was the way he wanted to keep it.
Aeryn understood the pain he was feeling but still the same she knew he had to face reality. "We need to talk," she said, wishing it was under better circumstances. Talk, talk. he was all talked out. He had no desire to talk to anyone, just get the job done and get out. That's all he wanted anymore. His life was too frelled for anything else.
The silence lingered too long for Aeryn. "John?"
John rubbed his eyes, wishing he could ignore her. He didn't want to breakdown again, the thoughts of his family and DK still fresh in his mind. He had allowed himself that moment to reminisce and now it was tearing him apart. He could have put himself back together if given the time, but Aeryn hadn't allowed it, unbeknownst to her.
"Yes.no.Aeryn there's nothing to talk about!" John shouted, turning to her, his blue eyes clouded with tears. "Two of my friends are dead and that is my fault! I knew the chance I was taking coming back to Earth! Yeah Aeryn, I blew it!" John ran his hands through his hair, the anger still commanding him. He couldn't stop himself, his whole being filled with hatred for fate sending him here in the first place, changing the direction of his life and his family's. "I'm not the golden boy. I make mistakes, but at least I admit them!"
Aeryn didn't know how to handle John's revelations. She didn't want to say anything that would inflame him, but she knew somehow she needed to do something to sooth the boiling waters. This was not a reaction she had expected from him, realizing now she had discounted D'Argo when she should have listened. John was fragile and she hadn't seen that.
Aeryn held up both her hands, her palms facing him. "Please John. I never said any of this was your fault. You are dealing with things that others have forced upon you. None of this is your doing." Her voice was gentle as she took one step forward waiting for his reaction.
John met her eyes, surprised by her words. He definitely felt less than perfect and here she was telling him it wasn't his fault. He desperately needed to hear that from someone, the guilt weighing heavily on him. DK and Laura's murder brought back all the deaths caused by his hand, the painful memories flashing vividly through his brain, the agony causing him to stagger back, gripping his head to make the pounding stop. Even though he knew deep down it was survival, it still didn't lessen the impact.
Aeryn paled and ran to John's side when she saw him lose his balance. She grabbed his arm and eased him into the chair. "What happened?" She asked bending over him.
John held his head in his hands waiting for the throbbing to stop. He shook his head, whispering, "It.it happens.sometimes. I don't know."
Aeryn bit her tongue, feeling she knew the source of his problem, but it wasn't the time to voice it. It was something she would approach later. "You should let Sikozu run a scan on you," Aeryn said, worried still the same.
John chuckled, lifting his head slightly. "What.and let Scorpius get a look at the inner workings of my brain? I think I'll pass," John stated, rubbing his temples as the pain eased. "Besides I'm fine, just tired that's all. This has definitely been a vacation to remember," John continued, getting to his feet despite Aeryn's protests.
"At least let me help you." Aeryn placed her hand on his arm, ready to guide him to the bed.
John twisted out of her grasp, her touch sending pulsations through him, ones that sent fear through his heart. "I told you I'm fine. but thank you," he stated, staring into her eyes, wanting the one thing he couldn't have. He looked away quickly, afraid of what he might do. The barrier he had built was rapidly erected again, shutting everyone and everything out.
Aeryn had seen the softening and for a microt she had hoped. His sudden mood change took her by surprise. "What the frell is wrong with you John? Talk to me!"
Aeryn's pleas were crushing him. He fought the feelings that threatened to break him, even though his soul demanded it. John only wanted to take her in his arms and love her, but he couldn't. He couldn't give into the emotions that would only endanger her.
He was like a cat with nine lives and his were running out. He should've been lying alongside the trail of bodies he had left in his wake. John was determined Aeryn wasn't going to be one of the fatalities, and if he should perish this time, at least it wouldn't be as painful for her as it was when his twin died. He would never forget the broken woman he had seen in the hangar the day they reunited with Talyn. It had totally taken the life out of him also. He would never let that happen to Aeryn again. As ironic as it seemed, the love he guarded from her, was for her. It was all he could give her.
John pulled himself back together enough to speak. barely. He dropped his head, fingering his lip and then laid his hand on the wall, using it for a brace to hold his body erect. Glancing over his shoulder and back, he finally found his voice. "Aeryn, I'm all talked out for now. How about later.after I've slept?"
Aeryn saw his slumped shoulders and heard the weakness in his voice. She nodded in assent, understanding, but wishing otherwise. She would wait and approach him later as much as that hurt. Aeryn wanted to get on with life and he was the only one she wanted to share it with. "Alright John.we'll continue this after you have slept. I know you must be tired." Aeryn turned to leave the room, but John's voice stopped her.
"Your question.the one you asked me at my dad's house. I.I.didn't want you to leave." John felt the tears wash over him, his jaw shaking at the same time he bit his lip trying to stop the flow. He couldn't let her know, keeping his back to her.
Aeryn smiled, the hope alive in her again. "I didn't want to," she said simply, turning and exiting his cell, her heart full from his words. She headed to command feeling he had finally given her a fragment to hold onto.
John heard the footsteps as she left his room. He slowly walked over to the door, feeling empty, palming it shut. He drew the curtain, wanting to be alone. John took two steps and felt his legs give out. He reached for the wall and backed himself against it, sliding to the floor, his body shaking from the sobs, the dam finally breaking. "I'm so sorry babe," he said wrapping his arms around himself, letting the tears fall freely. "I wish it could be different, but I can't let you get close to me again.ever."
He sat there rocking himself back and forth, his heart filled with Aeryn, but not able to show it. Their love for each other was the danger, the Peacekeepers and Scarrans waiting for the microt they could use it for their own end. The only way he knew to keep her safe was to still hold her at a distance, allowing himself the glimpses from the shadows that he had become accustomed to, his quarters the only safe zone for him.
John pulled himself tighter, the tears still streaming down his face. "If only, Aeryn. if only.."
As he was Earth's Achilles heel; she was his.