Fear Life, Live for Death
When Will It Come For Me?
I'm still looking down at the floor, the words hurt me more than any hand he could lay on me. It wasn't his fault, I guess really it was mine wasn't it? For not telling him what was going on with me, and for not telling anyone what was going on with me. Just like before, I hadn't told anyone why I was acting differently, just simply kept it to myself. I almost died from doing that, almost killed myself. No that didn't happen though, my friends pulled me back to reality, and I got better. For awhile at least.This time it would be different though, my friends have abandoned me and there is no one to pull me back this time. I'm going to die, I know this but the question for me is when is it going to happen. When is death going to take me? I thought it would have been before, but that didn't happen. Will it be this time? Will I go through with it? I slowly start to get up, not even looking at Matt throughout the process. I can't look at him, I know what he would say, He would say he was sorry and that it wasn't my fault. But I knew differently, it was my fault. My entire life's problems were my fault and no one else can tell me otherwise. I walk across the room, trying to get out of the locker room. It seemed to take eternity to get there, but finally I make it to the door. Opening it slowly, I walk out of the room leaving a probably happy Matt. He got rid of me, and took on another to do the same with. I was nothing to him and he was everything to me. It didn't matter now though, I was nothing to anyone and I knew it would stay that way. I look around sadly as I walk down the hall. I pull the sleeve of my shirt up a little bit, looking at the many scars on my arm. Reality check I called them, everyone else said I had a problem for doing it. And everyone thought they knew what was best for me, when they tried to fix the problems they always just made things worse. I wish people would understand, get it through their heads, that they can't fix other peoples problems. Only make them better for a little while. Eventually the problems come right back and knock you on your ass harder than ever. I learned that a long time ago, and thats why I try not to take help from other people. I look up when I bump into a smiling Brad. Everyone else always just called him BB, but I on the other hand call him Spikey, ever since I met him. He always seemed to be happy, guess that must be a good feeling. "Oops Sorry Spikey, wasn't watching I guess." My voice sounded sad, I knew this without even thinking. I wasn't sure if he could tell, but I'm almost positive he would be able to tell. "S'ok Jess..hey whats wrong? Did something happen?" I actually thought about not even telling him, just shaking my head and keep on walking. But I didn't, he had always been nice to me and I always was nice to him. I always told him everything, well almost everything. "Yeah..Matt dumped me. Said he had been seeing some other person for awhile.." I looked down feeling kind of odd telling him that, but that quickly died when I felt him wrap his arms around me. He held me for a moment, before finally saying something. "Maybe it's for the better you know?" I didn't understand any word of that, but right now I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just simply nod. "Thanks Spikey, I-I gotta go get ready for my match. Maybe I'll see you around.." I pull away from him, almost not wanting to yet still pulling away and walking on down the hall. Maybe being a Diva has it's good points, great friends you can count on, but is that all my life is? Counting on others to console me..if thats the truth than what kind of a lie am I living?
When Will It Come For Me?
I'm still looking down at the floor, the words hurt me more than any hand he could lay on me. It wasn't his fault, I guess really it was mine wasn't it? For not telling him what was going on with me, and for not telling anyone what was going on with me. Just like before, I hadn't told anyone why I was acting differently, just simply kept it to myself. I almost died from doing that, almost killed myself. No that didn't happen though, my friends pulled me back to reality, and I got better. For awhile at least.This time it would be different though, my friends have abandoned me and there is no one to pull me back this time. I'm going to die, I know this but the question for me is when is it going to happen. When is death going to take me? I thought it would have been before, but that didn't happen. Will it be this time? Will I go through with it? I slowly start to get up, not even looking at Matt throughout the process. I can't look at him, I know what he would say, He would say he was sorry and that it wasn't my fault. But I knew differently, it was my fault. My entire life's problems were my fault and no one else can tell me otherwise. I walk across the room, trying to get out of the locker room. It seemed to take eternity to get there, but finally I make it to the door. Opening it slowly, I walk out of the room leaving a probably happy Matt. He got rid of me, and took on another to do the same with. I was nothing to him and he was everything to me. It didn't matter now though, I was nothing to anyone and I knew it would stay that way. I look around sadly as I walk down the hall. I pull the sleeve of my shirt up a little bit, looking at the many scars on my arm. Reality check I called them, everyone else said I had a problem for doing it. And everyone thought they knew what was best for me, when they tried to fix the problems they always just made things worse. I wish people would understand, get it through their heads, that they can't fix other peoples problems. Only make them better for a little while. Eventually the problems come right back and knock you on your ass harder than ever. I learned that a long time ago, and thats why I try not to take help from other people. I look up when I bump into a smiling Brad. Everyone else always just called him BB, but I on the other hand call him Spikey, ever since I met him. He always seemed to be happy, guess that must be a good feeling. "Oops Sorry Spikey, wasn't watching I guess." My voice sounded sad, I knew this without even thinking. I wasn't sure if he could tell, but I'm almost positive he would be able to tell. "S'ok Jess..hey whats wrong? Did something happen?" I actually thought about not even telling him, just shaking my head and keep on walking. But I didn't, he had always been nice to me and I always was nice to him. I always told him everything, well almost everything. "Yeah..Matt dumped me. Said he had been seeing some other person for awhile.." I looked down feeling kind of odd telling him that, but that quickly died when I felt him wrap his arms around me. He held me for a moment, before finally saying something. "Maybe it's for the better you know?" I didn't understand any word of that, but right now I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just simply nod. "Thanks Spikey, I-I gotta go get ready for my match. Maybe I'll see you around.." I pull away from him, almost not wanting to yet still pulling away and walking on down the hall. Maybe being a Diva has it's good points, great friends you can count on, but is that all my life is? Counting on others to console me..if thats the truth than what kind of a lie am I living?