Fear Life, Live for Death
I think, Therefore I live? Or should it be I think Therefore I die?
How do you know when you think to much? When you get a headache is what I always use to say, and trust me it didn't take long for that to happen. I've found out, as my life starts to get worse, that you know your thinking to much when you figure out questions that you've always wanted answered. But when you figure those questions out, and the answers aren't what you expected than you wish you would have never thought to begin with and stopped when the headache started to come. A week has passed since Matt broke up with me, and whats wrong with me? I'm still trying to figure out why I'm having dreams that seem to be completely real. Some good, some horrible memories of him. What is my body trying to tell me? Is my mind saying that life isn't worth it? Than why am I having dreams about Matt, and not other things. Maybe because thats my only problem, but thats not true, I have so many more problems than that. Some of them people know about, and some of them no one knows about. I sat in my locker room, not actually mine but BB's locker room. I stand up, he wasn't here probably off being happy with someone. Sure wish I could be like that. I walked into the bathroom slowly, pulling up the sleeve of my shirt. I look down at what could be the history of my life. Each scar showing one some kind of problem I faced. I run my fingers slowly over them, and close my eyes. Someone once asked me why I would do that to myself, why would I inflict so much pain to myself. I knew why I did it, a lot of peoples excuses is they don't know why, but I did know why. Life spins out of control sometimes, way to out of control to save it by yourself so you look to your friends. I looked to myself, and finally found a way to pull myself back in line without any one's help. Cutting myself was just a lesson that taught me to stay in line, and stick to one thing. If I didn't than my life would spin out of control again, and than I would just end up cutting myself again. How many people do I tell this to, not many at all. I keep a lot to myself, it just seems to limit the amount of things the fuck up my life. I look down at my arm again, this time with more of a purpose. There was a razor blade in the bag I brought into the bathroom with me. I looked at it, and began to cut my arm, slowly right above my wrist. The blood starts to come from the wound before I even finish cutting the width of my arm. I let the blade drop and watch as the blood comes from the wound faster now. It runs down my arm and drops into the floor, not nearly enough to puddle. I jump a little when I hear BB call my name, not sure if I was in the locker room or not. "I'm in the Bathroom I'll be out in a minute!" I clean up my wrist and bandage up the cut quickly pulling down my sleeve to hide the cut. I throw the razor blade away and grab my bag, I walk back into the main part of the locker room, where BB is, "Hey sorry..I was putting my contacts in." I point to my eyes quickly, showing him my eyes, which clearly had contacts on them because of their unusual color, Red. He nods a little, "Oh thats ok I just wanted to see if you were in here or not.." He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but stopped in the middle of what he was saying when he saw that I looked like I was going to say something. I stutter a little, I wanted to tell him everything but I didn't. "Jessi? You gonna say something?" I quickly shake my head before I change my mind. "Come on whats been up with you lately? First you shut yourself out from everyone but a few people now you won't even talk to me? Something been going on?" I close my eyes for a moment, why the hell did he have to be so damn smart. There was something terrible wrong with my but I couldn't just tell him. "No of course not. I'm ok..Like I said The whole thing with Matt is still bugging me..it's only been a week you know." A week, yeah thats what it was to everyone else, but to me it was like he had just told me the night before. Each night I dream about him, the dream never the same. I sigh, when BB puts his arms around me again, I lay my head on his shoulder and relax. He makes me feel like I felt when I was with Matt. But like Matt and every other guy that ever made me feel that way, they always hurt me. In some way weather it be physical or emotional they hurt me. Some famous Greek dude once said I think therefore I live. But all living things go through that same thing. They're born, they grown than they die. So what do you think the real saying should be, I think therefore I live, or I think Therefore I grow. I always think, but I'm constantly thinking weather I should live or die. Maybe the saying really should be I think therefore I die.
I think, Therefore I live? Or should it be I think Therefore I die?
How do you know when you think to much? When you get a headache is what I always use to say, and trust me it didn't take long for that to happen. I've found out, as my life starts to get worse, that you know your thinking to much when you figure out questions that you've always wanted answered. But when you figure those questions out, and the answers aren't what you expected than you wish you would have never thought to begin with and stopped when the headache started to come. A week has passed since Matt broke up with me, and whats wrong with me? I'm still trying to figure out why I'm having dreams that seem to be completely real. Some good, some horrible memories of him. What is my body trying to tell me? Is my mind saying that life isn't worth it? Than why am I having dreams about Matt, and not other things. Maybe because thats my only problem, but thats not true, I have so many more problems than that. Some of them people know about, and some of them no one knows about. I sat in my locker room, not actually mine but BB's locker room. I stand up, he wasn't here probably off being happy with someone. Sure wish I could be like that. I walked into the bathroom slowly, pulling up the sleeve of my shirt. I look down at what could be the history of my life. Each scar showing one some kind of problem I faced. I run my fingers slowly over them, and close my eyes. Someone once asked me why I would do that to myself, why would I inflict so much pain to myself. I knew why I did it, a lot of peoples excuses is they don't know why, but I did know why. Life spins out of control sometimes, way to out of control to save it by yourself so you look to your friends. I looked to myself, and finally found a way to pull myself back in line without any one's help. Cutting myself was just a lesson that taught me to stay in line, and stick to one thing. If I didn't than my life would spin out of control again, and than I would just end up cutting myself again. How many people do I tell this to, not many at all. I keep a lot to myself, it just seems to limit the amount of things the fuck up my life. I look down at my arm again, this time with more of a purpose. There was a razor blade in the bag I brought into the bathroom with me. I looked at it, and began to cut my arm, slowly right above my wrist. The blood starts to come from the wound before I even finish cutting the width of my arm. I let the blade drop and watch as the blood comes from the wound faster now. It runs down my arm and drops into the floor, not nearly enough to puddle. I jump a little when I hear BB call my name, not sure if I was in the locker room or not. "I'm in the Bathroom I'll be out in a minute!" I clean up my wrist and bandage up the cut quickly pulling down my sleeve to hide the cut. I throw the razor blade away and grab my bag, I walk back into the main part of the locker room, where BB is, "Hey sorry..I was putting my contacts in." I point to my eyes quickly, showing him my eyes, which clearly had contacts on them because of their unusual color, Red. He nods a little, "Oh thats ok I just wanted to see if you were in here or not.." He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but stopped in the middle of what he was saying when he saw that I looked like I was going to say something. I stutter a little, I wanted to tell him everything but I didn't. "Jessi? You gonna say something?" I quickly shake my head before I change my mind. "Come on whats been up with you lately? First you shut yourself out from everyone but a few people now you won't even talk to me? Something been going on?" I close my eyes for a moment, why the hell did he have to be so damn smart. There was something terrible wrong with my but I couldn't just tell him. "No of course not. I'm ok..Like I said The whole thing with Matt is still bugging me..it's only been a week you know." A week, yeah thats what it was to everyone else, but to me it was like he had just told me the night before. Each night I dream about him, the dream never the same. I sigh, when BB puts his arms around me again, I lay my head on his shoulder and relax. He makes me feel like I felt when I was with Matt. But like Matt and every other guy that ever made me feel that way, they always hurt me. In some way weather it be physical or emotional they hurt me. Some famous Greek dude once said I think therefore I live. But all living things go through that same thing. They're born, they grown than they die. So what do you think the real saying should be, I think therefore I live, or I think Therefore I grow. I always think, but I'm constantly thinking weather I should live or die. Maybe the saying really should be I think therefore I die.