Fear Life, Live for Death
Was I Wrong?
It's been a couple days since BB gave me the little puppy, it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. I'm begining to wish he wouldn't have given me the little guy though. It's cute, but I'm begining to think he gave it to me for nothing. I haven't seen him in almost three days, ever since my Birthday actually. I'm sitting here, completly considering death right about now.The puppy would forget me eventually, he's only known me for a few days. And everyone else, well they already seem to have forgotten me. It bothers me, but thats just the way life is I guess. I've had enough of this shit, people don't care enough to even talk to me than fuck them. Fuck all of them. I don't give a damn about any of them, just like they don't give a damn about me. I can't believe that I actually set myself up to love someone else, how could I be that stupid as to do that again, I'm an idiot. I carry the puppy to my car, and set him in, before I get in myself. I'm completly lost in though as I do this, debating with myself as to wether I should end it all tonight or not. No one would miss me right? I mean thats why they don't give a damn now right? I park my car in the parking lot of the arena, and click my tongue a few times to get the puppy to follow me. I walk slowly, partly because I'm still lost in thought, but more so to make it easier for the puppy to follow me. I head into a locker room, not knowing that it was BB's locker room I went into. To bad he wasn't early that night like me, could have saved me before I made a mistake. I look down, and half smile at the little puppy, he was chasing his tail in a circle. "Don't do that you'll get dizzy." It stopped and looked at me questionly, it sits down and scratched behind its little head.
I got up and looked through my bag for something, ignoring little whining noises coming from the puppy. I sat back down looked down at the floor once again, than looked at my arm. It had numerous cuts that hadn't healed yet, and scars that were to big in number to count. I ran the razor blade in my hand over my arm lightly, never putting enough pressure on it to actually cut into my skin. Put all that changed when I finally cut into my arm, for the first time in awhile I cut deep enough to have myself die from the bleeding. I cried out a little, whimpering in pain as I watched the blood almost pour from the wound. It ran down her hand, and than into the floor. I watched it almost facinated with the fact that a cut that small could produce that much blood. Was this a mistake?..should I go get help, tell everyone that I had been cutting myself, that I tried to commit suicide. No I couldn't do that, Life would be worse in that case. They would send me away, tell me I was crazy and there was something wrong with me. They would lock me up until they thought I was better, when in reality once you do this to yourself you never get better. The feeling sticks with you all the time, it never leaves you. It just takes the right things to make the feeling come back enough to actually start cutting yourself again. If those stupid people in those places understood that they would keep you locked up forever. Maybe it's better they don't understand that. I almost colapse now, I've lost a lot of blood and I know it. It's going to end today, everythings going to go black soon. My eyes half close, but I can hear the puppy scratching at the door. After a few moments I can hear the door open. The door open?! Who could be coming in here..must be someone wanting to let the puppy out. But that'll mess everything up. I want to die now, and now someone's going to save me before I can die. Why? The blood is to much, and I'm barely awake, maybe they'll think I won't make it. I can feel someone pick me up, and lay me in their lap, but than I hear something thats unexpected, BB's voice? Was it really him? "Jessi wake up, Please god wake up. Don't leave me..Don't leave me. I love you..Jessi I..I love you.." Did I hear him right? Was I wrong about him..? I think I may have made the biggest mistake of my life now. Someone loves me and I can't tell them how I feel..I can't tell him I love him too. "I..I love..you..too.." I weakly manage to say, thank god I was able to tell him. God don't let me die now..please don't let this be the end. What was I thinking when I did this? I was wrong in some many things..Wrong about wanting to die, and wrong about BB not caring.
Was I Wrong?
It's been a couple days since BB gave me the little puppy, it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. I'm begining to wish he wouldn't have given me the little guy though. It's cute, but I'm begining to think he gave it to me for nothing. I haven't seen him in almost three days, ever since my Birthday actually. I'm sitting here, completly considering death right about now.The puppy would forget me eventually, he's only known me for a few days. And everyone else, well they already seem to have forgotten me. It bothers me, but thats just the way life is I guess. I've had enough of this shit, people don't care enough to even talk to me than fuck them. Fuck all of them. I don't give a damn about any of them, just like they don't give a damn about me. I can't believe that I actually set myself up to love someone else, how could I be that stupid as to do that again, I'm an idiot. I carry the puppy to my car, and set him in, before I get in myself. I'm completly lost in though as I do this, debating with myself as to wether I should end it all tonight or not. No one would miss me right? I mean thats why they don't give a damn now right? I park my car in the parking lot of the arena, and click my tongue a few times to get the puppy to follow me. I walk slowly, partly because I'm still lost in thought, but more so to make it easier for the puppy to follow me. I head into a locker room, not knowing that it was BB's locker room I went into. To bad he wasn't early that night like me, could have saved me before I made a mistake. I look down, and half smile at the little puppy, he was chasing his tail in a circle. "Don't do that you'll get dizzy." It stopped and looked at me questionly, it sits down and scratched behind its little head.
I got up and looked through my bag for something, ignoring little whining noises coming from the puppy. I sat back down looked down at the floor once again, than looked at my arm. It had numerous cuts that hadn't healed yet, and scars that were to big in number to count. I ran the razor blade in my hand over my arm lightly, never putting enough pressure on it to actually cut into my skin. Put all that changed when I finally cut into my arm, for the first time in awhile I cut deep enough to have myself die from the bleeding. I cried out a little, whimpering in pain as I watched the blood almost pour from the wound. It ran down her hand, and than into the floor. I watched it almost facinated with the fact that a cut that small could produce that much blood. Was this a mistake?..should I go get help, tell everyone that I had been cutting myself, that I tried to commit suicide. No I couldn't do that, Life would be worse in that case. They would send me away, tell me I was crazy and there was something wrong with me. They would lock me up until they thought I was better, when in reality once you do this to yourself you never get better. The feeling sticks with you all the time, it never leaves you. It just takes the right things to make the feeling come back enough to actually start cutting yourself again. If those stupid people in those places understood that they would keep you locked up forever. Maybe it's better they don't understand that. I almost colapse now, I've lost a lot of blood and I know it. It's going to end today, everythings going to go black soon. My eyes half close, but I can hear the puppy scratching at the door. After a few moments I can hear the door open. The door open?! Who could be coming in here..must be someone wanting to let the puppy out. But that'll mess everything up. I want to die now, and now someone's going to save me before I can die. Why? The blood is to much, and I'm barely awake, maybe they'll think I won't make it. I can feel someone pick me up, and lay me in their lap, but than I hear something thats unexpected, BB's voice? Was it really him? "Jessi wake up, Please god wake up. Don't leave me..Don't leave me. I love you..Jessi I..I love you.." Did I hear him right? Was I wrong about him..? I think I may have made the biggest mistake of my life now. Someone loves me and I can't tell them how I feel..I can't tell him I love him too. "I..I love..you..too.." I weakly manage to say, thank god I was able to tell him. God don't let me die now..please don't let this be the end. What was I thinking when I did this? I was wrong in some many things..Wrong about wanting to die, and wrong about BB not caring.