Final Samsara.Nirvana
Do you know what it's like to have part of your soul ripped out and destroyed, so that you believe with all that's left of your heart that you will never ever be whole again? It hurts, but not in the way a broken bone does. It can never be fixed, or be put in a cast, or even be numbed for the short term by painkillers. It's a constant reminder of what's happened, a weight attached to your head, your shoulders, your heart and your soul. A dead weight that can never be shed, the only help that can be offered is finding a way to strengthen your soul. Build up the muscle and make the weight seem lighter than it is. My soul is still weak and raw from the hurt. The weight is still tugging consciously at my every move and thought, pulling my spirits down and pinning them to the floor. Slowly forcing them through the floor and further down. I've heard many people refer to having an 'all time low', for me each hour is lower than the last and just when you think it can't get any worse it does. Each second my heart cries for the memories I want to keep, but I can't stand to think about. My body begs for a release from the submission move I'm stuck in but the only way to get out is to submit and lose the fight and I'm not even allowed to do that.
"Daddy, Daddy did you see that?"
"Yes, hon." I reply without even looking up from my script.
"Liar, liar pants on fire. Anyway Can I?"
"Uh huh." I bit my lip as I tried to concentrate on what Morgan was saying while still reading.
"Nothing Daddy." I continued reading my script, subconsciously aware of Morgan pottering around the garden, disappearing into the house and running out again.
I had two pages of my script left when Jeff walked into the garden and burst out laughing. I looked up at him to see the joke and saw him try to gain control of his face.
"Hey bro, what's the joke?" I asked once again engrossed in my script.
"Do you have any idea what your munchkin is up to?"
"Why?" Jeff grabbed the script off me and pointed towards Morgan who'd dressed our dog up in one of my expensive shirts, she had another drying on the line after she'd washed it in a bucket of muddy water and was currently re designing the other Jeff style, with a pair of scissors.
"Oh." I cried out jumping up from my chair.
"No swearing." Jeff warned me. Morgan looked over at my sudden movement and smiled at me.
"Hon, what are you up to?"
"Playing houses, you said I could."
"With my shirts."
"You said I could." Jeff was now rolling around on the floor in hysterics, while making vain attempts at grabbing Morgan, who seeing him in such a good mood decided that she could get away with doing a swanton bomb on him (or in Morgan's case a forward roll, but Jeff had convinced her that it hurt and even pretended to cry, but Jeff being Jeff he never managed to treat it the same every time.) Eventually Jeff regained composure and looked up at me.
"Hey Matty I've got some advice for ya. When your kid asks you something listen to her, she's trouble!!"
The pain in my heart was so immense, it felt as if, if I moved it would suddenly shatter. Maybe if I allowed it to shatter it would get me out of this place, remove the pain. I moved, but my heart didn't break, it was already broken and the pain wasn't my heart at all, but the shards of my broken heart sticking into my lungs and pricking my skin.
"Daddy, Daddy it's Christmas, it's Christmas."
"Morgan baby, why do you say everything twice?"
"I don't, I don't." She giggled. "Daddy, Daddy can we go and se if Santa's been?"
"Ooh, I don't know, are you sure you've been a good girl?"
"Yup, Uncle Jeffy said I had."
"How does he know? I doubt he's been a good enough boy."
"He said that he was a very naughty boy and kept using your car when you were out and he still got presents."
"Oh did he? And what else has your Uncle Jeffy told you?"
"That if she doesn't get her Dad out of bed in two minutes than I'm gonna start eating the candy without her."
"How long have you been here?"
"I came in last night. Now get that big as.bum of yours out of bed."
"Ok, Ok I'm coming. Is Dad up?"
"Yeah he's making breakfast." I got out of bed and picked Morgan up. I carried her downstairs and held her on my knee as we waited for Dad to come in so we could open the presents. The minute I let go of her she leapt out of my arms, collided with Jeff in mid air, landed on his head and knocked him out.
"Oops!"
"Jeffy," I gently brought him round and tried to get him to stay still for a minute but I had no chance, within seconds of coming round he was up and opening his first present. It was one to him from Morgan; he opened it up and found some Manic Panic hair dye, pink of course, and a T-shirt that said, "Who said Man can't fly? See the worlds only flying man, Cirque de Freak"
"Thanks monster it's great, but did ya really have to land on my head first?"
"Sawwy Jeffrey."
I climbed to my feet, wanting to do anything to get the pictures out of my head. The memories hurt, but not as much as the present. I looked at my surrounds, paying attention to them for the first time. I found I'd been in the cemetery and the pain hit me again. I had to get out of that place, to go somewhere where we hadn't been together, somewhere where the memories wouldn't be so fresh and there was no present, just the here and now. Me, blind to everyone else, blind to the world and the pain that it brought me. I found a little park a few blocks away and sat on a swing. I closed my eyes and the movement soothed my aching body as the anonymity soothed my heart and mind. I was no longer him, that man or even Matt Hardy now I was just another it, an invisible person until I wanted to be noticed again.
The sun began to set and the stars came out, I looked up towards them and for the first time since it had happened began to shed tears.
"Daddy, Daddy?"
"Yes, Morgan, Morgan?"
"Why are there stars?"
"There's starts coz.you know when people die, like your Gramma, well when they die they go to heaven and become a star so they can watch over the people they love and look after them."
"Is that why Jeffy doesn't get hurt when he's silly?"
"Maybe."
"What about when he's naughty?"
"Well I should think that Gramma tells him off and then forgives him."
"Can he hear her?"
"If he listens to his heart he can?"
"Jeff, don't." I warned as Jeff began to play drinking games.
"I can handle it."
"Oh yeah you can really handle it." I complained at Jeff as I manoeuvred him into the bathroom and helped him find the toilet. I sat with him for the rest of the night, making sure he didn't choke on his own sick or knock himself out I was still in there when Morgan woke up.
"Daddy, why are you sitting on the bathroom floor?"
"Jeffy was naughty last night and he's sick because of it." Morgan nodded her head understandingly and walked out.
"Matty, I don't feel to well."
"Wonder why?" I said dryly as I pulled him to his feet and helped him stumble into his bedroom. I pushed him onto the bed and left him to sleep off his hangover.
He didn't reappear until late afternoon, when he came downstairs and flopped onto the couch. Morgan moved over to sit next to him.
"Hey beautiful."
"Hey smelly."
"Sorry, I went a bit over the top last night."
"You were naughty."
"Was I indeed?"
"Yup, and you're gonna get told off."
"Well tell your Daddy to leave it out."
"Not just by him."
"Then tell my Daddy to as well."
"Sure but you're gonna get told off by you're Mommy as well."
"Oh am I indeed?"
"Yup, just listen to your heart."
"Ok true, but can you do me a favour, tell her to leave her it out as well."
"Daddy," Morgan turned to me, standing in the doorway as Jeff rolled his eyes at me being there. "How do I talk to Gramma?"
"Just say it babe, she's always listening."
"Ok, Gramma, leave Jeffy alone coz he didn't really mean it, he's just a bit stupid and got caweed away with IT. Oh but I think you really should, but I have to stick up for him coz he sticks up for me when my Daddy tells me off."
It's been a long time since I last spoke to my Mom, I used to talk to her all the time when I was younger, but I gradually stopped. I suppose everyone grows away from their Mom a bit and my relationship with my Mom was different anyway. I suppose they can go back to their Mom when they need help and so can I.
"Mom, I need you to look out for Morgan for me, because I don't really see what I can do from down here."
I heard no answer and began to doubt my beliefs, the insecurities I had after she died began to creep back in. Maybe we didn't deserve her, maybe she doesn't care enough to stay with us, I knew in my heart that these couldn't be true, but my head told me otherwise.
"Matty, I'd of thought by now you would have realised, your heart tells you the truth, your soul is pure but the world is cruel and has polluted your mind. Listen to your heart and the truth will out."
Her voice came to me as a warm feeling filled the cavity where my heart had once been. I wiped the tears from my eyes and closed my eyes. I let my body relax and listened to my heart.
I got up and walked to the place I'd been avoiding most since I found myself in the cemetery, my house. I let myself in and went into Jeff's room. He was sleeping peacefully, but his eyes were red from tears. I pulled the duvet up around him and took the photo out of his hand. I moved to the shelves on his wall and took down a teddy I'd given him when he was younger. I placed it in his arms and he instinctively cuddled it. Happier I left his room and headed into Morgan's.
"Oh baby, I'm sorry. I never should've let this happen. I should have been more careful. You deserve a lot better than this. I'm sorry." I chocked out as my tears landed on her bed, "I didn't mean to die."
"Matt Hardy is killing his younger brother as his girlfriend watches on, powerless to stop him."
"I'm not sure if she's still his girlfriend, Paul. She slept with his brother."
"Yeah, but he encouraged her."
"Which is exactly why he's getting a beating."
""Matt's being so brutal. What?! He's put Jeff on that table and is climbing that 20-foot ladder. He's gonna swanton Jeff."
"That ladders wobbling, hell, the ladder fell over, Matt did all he could to avoid his brother, but it looks like he's really hurt himself."
"I'm going to see if he's all right."
Jeff was in obvious pain but still managed to crawl over to me. He moved my hair off my face with tears in his eyes and gasped at the damage to my head.
"Jeff." I managed to utter as blood filled my mouth.
"Don't talk Matt, you're gonna be fine."
"I love you Jeff, tell Morgan I love her so much and look after her for me. Tell her I'm."
"Sorry." I finished the sentence I'd tried to finish with my last breath and felt the weight on my heart begin to lighten.
My pain is caused by death, but isn't because I'm dead, it's because I'm not there. My daughter will grow up and look at the sky to tell my about her day. She'll marry and I won't be there to give her away, I won't be there to meet my Grandkids and I won't be there to hold her as she cries. I've caused her pain and that hangs from my heart as something I will never be able to forgive myself for.
Do you know what it's like to have part of your soul ripped out and destroyed, so that you believe with all that's left of your heart that you will never ever be whole again? It hurts, but not in the way a broken bone does. It can never be fixed, or be put in a cast, or even be numbed for the short term by painkillers. It's a constant reminder of what's happened, a weight attached to your head, your shoulders, your heart and your soul. A dead weight that can never be shed, the only help that can be offered is finding a way to strengthen your soul. Build up the muscle and make the weight seem lighter than it is. My soul is still weak and raw from the hurt. The weight is still tugging consciously at my every move and thought, pulling my spirits down and pinning them to the floor. Slowly forcing them through the floor and further down. I've heard many people refer to having an 'all time low', for me each hour is lower than the last and just when you think it can't get any worse it does. Each second my heart cries for the memories I want to keep, but I can't stand to think about. My body begs for a release from the submission move I'm stuck in but the only way to get out is to submit and lose the fight and I'm not even allowed to do that.
"Daddy, Daddy did you see that?"
"Yes, hon." I reply without even looking up from my script.
"Liar, liar pants on fire. Anyway Can I?"
"Uh huh." I bit my lip as I tried to concentrate on what Morgan was saying while still reading.
"Nothing Daddy." I continued reading my script, subconsciously aware of Morgan pottering around the garden, disappearing into the house and running out again.
I had two pages of my script left when Jeff walked into the garden and burst out laughing. I looked up at him to see the joke and saw him try to gain control of his face.
"Hey bro, what's the joke?" I asked once again engrossed in my script.
"Do you have any idea what your munchkin is up to?"
"Why?" Jeff grabbed the script off me and pointed towards Morgan who'd dressed our dog up in one of my expensive shirts, she had another drying on the line after she'd washed it in a bucket of muddy water and was currently re designing the other Jeff style, with a pair of scissors.
"Oh." I cried out jumping up from my chair.
"No swearing." Jeff warned me. Morgan looked over at my sudden movement and smiled at me.
"Hon, what are you up to?"
"Playing houses, you said I could."
"With my shirts."
"You said I could." Jeff was now rolling around on the floor in hysterics, while making vain attempts at grabbing Morgan, who seeing him in such a good mood decided that she could get away with doing a swanton bomb on him (or in Morgan's case a forward roll, but Jeff had convinced her that it hurt and even pretended to cry, but Jeff being Jeff he never managed to treat it the same every time.) Eventually Jeff regained composure and looked up at me.
"Hey Matty I've got some advice for ya. When your kid asks you something listen to her, she's trouble!!"
The pain in my heart was so immense, it felt as if, if I moved it would suddenly shatter. Maybe if I allowed it to shatter it would get me out of this place, remove the pain. I moved, but my heart didn't break, it was already broken and the pain wasn't my heart at all, but the shards of my broken heart sticking into my lungs and pricking my skin.
"Daddy, Daddy it's Christmas, it's Christmas."
"Morgan baby, why do you say everything twice?"
"I don't, I don't." She giggled. "Daddy, Daddy can we go and se if Santa's been?"
"Ooh, I don't know, are you sure you've been a good girl?"
"Yup, Uncle Jeffy said I had."
"How does he know? I doubt he's been a good enough boy."
"He said that he was a very naughty boy and kept using your car when you were out and he still got presents."
"Oh did he? And what else has your Uncle Jeffy told you?"
"That if she doesn't get her Dad out of bed in two minutes than I'm gonna start eating the candy without her."
"How long have you been here?"
"I came in last night. Now get that big as.bum of yours out of bed."
"Ok, Ok I'm coming. Is Dad up?"
"Yeah he's making breakfast." I got out of bed and picked Morgan up. I carried her downstairs and held her on my knee as we waited for Dad to come in so we could open the presents. The minute I let go of her she leapt out of my arms, collided with Jeff in mid air, landed on his head and knocked him out.
"Oops!"
"Jeffy," I gently brought him round and tried to get him to stay still for a minute but I had no chance, within seconds of coming round he was up and opening his first present. It was one to him from Morgan; he opened it up and found some Manic Panic hair dye, pink of course, and a T-shirt that said, "Who said Man can't fly? See the worlds only flying man, Cirque de Freak"
"Thanks monster it's great, but did ya really have to land on my head first?"
"Sawwy Jeffrey."
I climbed to my feet, wanting to do anything to get the pictures out of my head. The memories hurt, but not as much as the present. I looked at my surrounds, paying attention to them for the first time. I found I'd been in the cemetery and the pain hit me again. I had to get out of that place, to go somewhere where we hadn't been together, somewhere where the memories wouldn't be so fresh and there was no present, just the here and now. Me, blind to everyone else, blind to the world and the pain that it brought me. I found a little park a few blocks away and sat on a swing. I closed my eyes and the movement soothed my aching body as the anonymity soothed my heart and mind. I was no longer him, that man or even Matt Hardy now I was just another it, an invisible person until I wanted to be noticed again.
The sun began to set and the stars came out, I looked up towards them and for the first time since it had happened began to shed tears.
"Daddy, Daddy?"
"Yes, Morgan, Morgan?"
"Why are there stars?"
"There's starts coz.you know when people die, like your Gramma, well when they die they go to heaven and become a star so they can watch over the people they love and look after them."
"Is that why Jeffy doesn't get hurt when he's silly?"
"Maybe."
"What about when he's naughty?"
"Well I should think that Gramma tells him off and then forgives him."
"Can he hear her?"
"If he listens to his heart he can?"
"Jeff, don't." I warned as Jeff began to play drinking games.
"I can handle it."
"Oh yeah you can really handle it." I complained at Jeff as I manoeuvred him into the bathroom and helped him find the toilet. I sat with him for the rest of the night, making sure he didn't choke on his own sick or knock himself out I was still in there when Morgan woke up.
"Daddy, why are you sitting on the bathroom floor?"
"Jeffy was naughty last night and he's sick because of it." Morgan nodded her head understandingly and walked out.
"Matty, I don't feel to well."
"Wonder why?" I said dryly as I pulled him to his feet and helped him stumble into his bedroom. I pushed him onto the bed and left him to sleep off his hangover.
He didn't reappear until late afternoon, when he came downstairs and flopped onto the couch. Morgan moved over to sit next to him.
"Hey beautiful."
"Hey smelly."
"Sorry, I went a bit over the top last night."
"You were naughty."
"Was I indeed?"
"Yup, and you're gonna get told off."
"Well tell your Daddy to leave it out."
"Not just by him."
"Then tell my Daddy to as well."
"Sure but you're gonna get told off by you're Mommy as well."
"Oh am I indeed?"
"Yup, just listen to your heart."
"Ok true, but can you do me a favour, tell her to leave her it out as well."
"Daddy," Morgan turned to me, standing in the doorway as Jeff rolled his eyes at me being there. "How do I talk to Gramma?"
"Just say it babe, she's always listening."
"Ok, Gramma, leave Jeffy alone coz he didn't really mean it, he's just a bit stupid and got caweed away with IT. Oh but I think you really should, but I have to stick up for him coz he sticks up for me when my Daddy tells me off."
It's been a long time since I last spoke to my Mom, I used to talk to her all the time when I was younger, but I gradually stopped. I suppose everyone grows away from their Mom a bit and my relationship with my Mom was different anyway. I suppose they can go back to their Mom when they need help and so can I.
"Mom, I need you to look out for Morgan for me, because I don't really see what I can do from down here."
I heard no answer and began to doubt my beliefs, the insecurities I had after she died began to creep back in. Maybe we didn't deserve her, maybe she doesn't care enough to stay with us, I knew in my heart that these couldn't be true, but my head told me otherwise.
"Matty, I'd of thought by now you would have realised, your heart tells you the truth, your soul is pure but the world is cruel and has polluted your mind. Listen to your heart and the truth will out."
Her voice came to me as a warm feeling filled the cavity where my heart had once been. I wiped the tears from my eyes and closed my eyes. I let my body relax and listened to my heart.
I got up and walked to the place I'd been avoiding most since I found myself in the cemetery, my house. I let myself in and went into Jeff's room. He was sleeping peacefully, but his eyes were red from tears. I pulled the duvet up around him and took the photo out of his hand. I moved to the shelves on his wall and took down a teddy I'd given him when he was younger. I placed it in his arms and he instinctively cuddled it. Happier I left his room and headed into Morgan's.
"Oh baby, I'm sorry. I never should've let this happen. I should have been more careful. You deserve a lot better than this. I'm sorry." I chocked out as my tears landed on her bed, "I didn't mean to die."
"Matt Hardy is killing his younger brother as his girlfriend watches on, powerless to stop him."
"I'm not sure if she's still his girlfriend, Paul. She slept with his brother."
"Yeah, but he encouraged her."
"Which is exactly why he's getting a beating."
""Matt's being so brutal. What?! He's put Jeff on that table and is climbing that 20-foot ladder. He's gonna swanton Jeff."
"That ladders wobbling, hell, the ladder fell over, Matt did all he could to avoid his brother, but it looks like he's really hurt himself."
"I'm going to see if he's all right."
Jeff was in obvious pain but still managed to crawl over to me. He moved my hair off my face with tears in his eyes and gasped at the damage to my head.
"Jeff." I managed to utter as blood filled my mouth.
"Don't talk Matt, you're gonna be fine."
"I love you Jeff, tell Morgan I love her so much and look after her for me. Tell her I'm."
"Sorry." I finished the sentence I'd tried to finish with my last breath and felt the weight on my heart begin to lighten.
My pain is caused by death, but isn't because I'm dead, it's because I'm not there. My daughter will grow up and look at the sky to tell my about her day. She'll marry and I won't be there to give her away, I won't be there to meet my Grandkids and I won't be there to hold her as she cries. I've caused her pain and that hangs from my heart as something I will never be able to forgive myself for.