"Jeff, I know I've never found it easy to express my love, I'm not like
you, I can't be so open with people, but I wish now that I could've walked
up to you and hugged you, or just pulled you in for a kiss because I felt
like it. I wish that I'd whispered all the things I've wanted to say in
your ear, just so you knew. But now I have to say it, they say we should
give you a shock, and I can't think of much else I could do, but say I love
you my Jeff, and I wish with all my heart that I could've said it in other
circumstances."
"Chloe, don't talk like that, you make it sound like he's dead, and he's not, he's going to be fine, just fine."
"Look at him Matt, he's lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by machines which do god knows what to keep him alive, I'm not even he's the one that's breathing and all you can say is he's gonna be fine. Look at his face and tell me that, look at that cut across his forehead and his black and swollen eyes and tell me that." Chloe burst into tears and held her head in her hands. "I need him Matty, I don't want him to leave me, we need him."
"I know hon, that's why he's not gonna leave us."
"He can't Matty, I'm pregnant."
"You're...pregnant? Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"How long have you known?"
"I found out for sure this morning. I was gonna tell Jeff at dinner tonight." Chloe fell into even deeper sobs as Matt wrapped his arms around her. They stayed like that until a nurse came in and told them that they would have to leave now. Neither was willing to leave the hospital so they went down to the café and found a table where their friends from the wwf were waiting eagerly for news.
"Nothing." Was all Matt would say as he slipped into the table and lay back on the chair. It was 6 hours since Jeff's accident, but there was still about 20 wrestlers hanging around the hospital, hoping for good news, hoping that Jeff would wake up and wonder what all the fuss is about, telling people that they should know better than think him seriously injured. Matt sat there in the chair with his brother's girlfriend crying onto his shoulder and fell into a shallow, jerky sleep.
As Matt slept, Jeff was battling inside his own head to wake up. He was emerging as though walking through a really foggy night towards a bright light. He reached the light and felt his thoughts become crystal clear, but he was still in darkness. He tried to roll over, hoping to find a light, but as he moved a pain in his side became horrific and he could do little other than let out a groan and lay back to catch his breath.
Suddenly he felt a presence looming over him.
"Mr Hardy, can you hear me? You're in the Memorial Hospital, you were involved in a car accident."
Jeff swallowed once or twice, trying to lubricate his dry throat and mouth. "Why's it so dark? Turn the light on." He heard a little gasp and some movement.
"I'm just getting the doctor for you." More footsteps and movement and then another presence leaning over him.
"Mr Hardy."
"Jeff."
"Ok Jeff, I'm doctor James. I'm just going to shine a torch into your eyes; I want to tell me what you see. Ok, what do you see now?"
"Erm. I can see some colours on my right."
"Ok, and now."
"Colours on my left."
"Ok, do you remember what happened?"
"I remember a truck, it just pulled out in front of me, I tried to swerve."
"Ok, that's good. Now where do you hurt?"
"My left side when I try to move and my head a little."
"How about your legs?"
"They just ache."
"Ok then. I'm just going to go and find your brother and girlfriend."
"Can you turn the light on before you go?"
"I'll see about that when I come back, I won't be long." There were footsteps and then only Jeff and the nurse left in the room.
"Nurse?"
"Yes,"
"Has my girlfriend seen me yet?"
"Yes, she was in until we had to give you some rest."
"Matt, the doctor's here." Matt was woken by Jay Reso, one of his and Jeff's best friends, talking to him and gently shaking his shoulders. He opened his eyes and saw a young male doctor waiting patiently for him and Chloe to wake up properly.
"What's happened, is he awake?" Matt asked desperately.
"Yes, and we've been able to get a better idea of his injuries."
"Is he going to be ok?" Matt asked while looking over to the other side of the café where the rest of the wwf were still waiting.
"Mr Hardy, Miss Lovesey, I'm afraid that Jeff is permanently blind in both eyes."
"Blind, he can't be?" Matt whispered to himself and Chloe cried softly.
"Apart from that, he is very lucky and has only a few cracked ribs. It's amazing he survived, never mind had so few injuries."
"Blind." Matt repeated to himself, trying to come to terms with it.
"As yet we have not informed your brother of his injuries."
"He doesn't know?"
"He thinks the light is turned off. We can tell him, or if you prefer you could."
"I want to." Matt stated, determinedly, as Chloe gave him a weak smile, to say she agreed.
"Ok, if you make your way up, in your own time." Matt nodded and the doctor left, heading back up to the room, as the wrestlers made their way back over.
"Is he awake?" Jay asked hopefully as Adam looked at Matt, as if trying to gage his reaction.
"He's awake, and they know the full extent of his injuries." They nodded eagerly. "He has a few crack ribs, and he's.blind." Their faces dropped as they all tried to come to terms that their brightly coloured, skittle and danger-loving friend was now blind.
"Forever?" Their very best friend Amy asked, in tears. She turned and hugged Adam when Matt nodded.
"He doesn't know. I need to go and tell him," Matt stated getting up, and leading Chloe through the group, as they all watched them walk away, their amazement clear on their faces.
"How can he not know?"
"Jeff?" Matt asked gently, trying not to make his brother jump, at his sudden entrance.
"Finally, someone half sane! Matty, can you turn the light on for me?" Jeff asked in an exasperated tone.
"Jeffy.the lights are on."
"Matt" He moaned. "I'm not in the mood for joking."
"Neither am I Jeff." Matt replied, his voice was wavering a little but still letting his honest tone come through.
"But, I can't see them."
"I know Jeffy."
"What's happened?" The panic in Jeff's voice shone through as he reached out for his brother's hands. Matt took both of Jeff's ands in one of his and stroked the underneath of his wrist with the other, just like their Mom used to do when they were young.
"It was the accident Jeff, you didn't have your visor down again!"
"But.how long will it stay like this?" Jeff sounded a lot younger than his 23 years; his voice was full of hope and honest belief that he would see again.
"Forever Jeffy.you're never going to see again." Matt's voice broke as he dissolved into tears at having to be so bluntly honest with his baby brother, but Jeff didn't see Matt's pain, he was too absorbed in his own feelings. He pulled his hands from Matt's grip and swung out, he caught Matt square on the jaw and swung again and again, until he just didn't have the energy anymore and the pain became too much. Matt just stood there and let his little brother hit him over and over again, knowing that Jeff would feel no better for having done it, but also knowing that if he didn't hit Matt, he would hit the next person who came near enough.
"Mr Hardy? Miss Lovesey?" The nurse addressed Matt and Chloe. "You need to leave now, he needs his rest."
"I'm not leaving him." They replied together.
"I'm afraid you have no choice." The nurse replied her voice as determined as theirs.
"Jeffy. I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" Matt kissed his brother on the forehead and headed towards the door.
"Jeff.I.love you." Chloe forced herself to say the words she was so afraid of, but Jeff just faced away from her.
Over the next two weeks Matt and Chloe went to see Jeff everyday, they watched his wounds heal and his anger rise. He barely spoke to them, only answering their direct questions and making no effort to start a conversation. He wouldn't even directly face them and although he couldn't see, he still averted his eyes, as though he couldn't bring himself to look at their faces. They watched this and tried in their separate ways to cope, Chloe turned to Matt, and Matt kept it all to himself.
Jeff wouldn't let any of their friends see him, they all sent presents and Jeff's room was full of skittles, but he still wouldn't change his mind. The doctors tried to give him counselling, but he wouldn't accept that either. He didn't want anyone's help, but struggled to cope with his feelings on his own. He knew he had no right to be angry with his brother or Chloe, but couldn't control his feelings towards them. Most of all, he was angry with himself, he knew he'd been stupid and couldn't even number the amount of times that he'd been told to put his visor down while on his bike, but he'd been too stubborn to listen and now it was too late. He knew that it was his own fault that he would never see his girlfriend's face again, or even be able to wrestle again. He wasn't even sure if he'd be able to live on his own anymore, never mind go out by himself. All the little things that signified freedom to him had been taken away and it was his entire fault. He loathed himself, he loathed his personality, but most of all he loathed his own eyes. Before the accident he'd been told so many times, by so many people that they were his best feature, that they, above everything else made him stand out, and now, he wasn't even sure they were the same colour.
"Nurse." Jeff broke from his thoughts and called out.
"Yes Jeff?" A nurse who Jeff guessed was young and female answered. She had a nice voice, which instantly made Jeff feel comfy with her.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"It might sound weird."
"Just try, I promise I won't laugh or anything."
"Do my eyes look weird?"
"Do they look like your blind, do you mean?"
"Erm, yeah. Do they look like normal eyes?"
"Well I'll describe them too you, and you can decided, now look towards me." Jeff did and she ummed and ahhed for a minute before continuing. "Your eyes are.a stunning, piercing green colour, a little more blood shot than natural, but that will go. But apart from that, they're beautiful."
"So you can't tell that I'm..I can't see?"
"No. Now it's my turn to ask a question. Have you said the b word yet?" Jeff felt her sit on the edge of his bed, and moved over to give her more room.
"The b word?" Jeff knew what she was saying, but was unwilling to participate in the conversation.
"You know what I mean, and you have to answer it, because I answered yours."
"No, I haven't."
"Why don't you try? I promise it'll help you feel better."
"How will saying it change anything, because that's what'll make things better, things being just how they were before." Jeff's voice rose a little as he spoke.
"Admitting it to yourself is the first step to recovery."
"Why do you say recovery? It's not like I can get better, I know that much."
"You can cope though Jeff, that's what recovery means at the moment, getting you to as near to what you were as possible."
"Fine, tell me how I can wrestle, tell me how I can do motocross, or live on my own, or watch my favourite movie, or write, or draw?"
"Plenty of blind people live on their own. Blind people are judo champions; blind people can write and draw. You can do all that Jeff, but you just need to admit to yourself that you need to start learning how to do things again."
"I'm blind, is that what you want me to say, will you go away now, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind." Jeff burst into tears as Matt watched from the doorway. He saw as the tears ran down his brother's face and watched as the next formed in his green eyes. 'They can't not see, they just can't, how's he supposed to see his kid, or play ball with it as it grows up? And how is Chloe supposed to tell him that she's pregnant with a child he can never look at.' Matt turned away from the door and leant with his back against the wall. He slid to the floor and sat there with his head in his hands, not crying, he hadn't cried since before he'd learnt about Jeff's blindness, it was weird, Jeff was the one who couldn't see, but Matt couldn't cry. It would be like admitting defeat, saying he couldn't cope and that was something he wouldn't do.
As Matt sat on the floor, Jeff's Doctor walked up the corridor. He stopped as he saw Matt, before continuing and stopping in front of Matt.
"Matt?" Matt looked up at his name being called, and attempted a smile, before beginning to get to his feet, but Doctor James signalled for him to stop and slid down to the floor next to Matt.
"If I ask you a question, will you answer honestly?" Matt nodded and the Doctor continued. "How are you coping?"
"I'm ok."
"Really? When was the last time you sat down and ate a proper meal, or had more than a couple of hours sleep."
"A while." Matt admitted.
"You know that Jeff will be able to go home soon, when he's learnt how to cope a bit more?" Matt nodded. "And I guess that you're going to want to look after him." Again, Matt nodded. "He's gonna need you to be strong, and well. You need to look after yourself before you can even consider looking after him. I'm guessing that in your family you don't like to rely on others too much." Matt looked up in shock that the doctor knew so much. Doctor James laughed. "Hey, I don't know anything you or Jeff hasn't told me, it's just one of those things that you both do, and I guessed the rest. But anyway you just need to know that there's no shame in asking for help. Jeff is going to have to learn that whether he wants to or not, and all I'm saying is, that it would do no harm if you led he way."
"You're offering me some help?" Matt queried.
"Nothing serious, just some sleeping pills, for a few weeks, and some counselling would probably help, if you're willing to accept it." Matt nodded, knowing that the doctor was right, that he had to accept the help and hope that Jeff would follow his example. "I think it would help."
"Thanks." Matt said as he vigorously shook his head to try to clear it a little. "I'm gonna go see Jeff now." Matt got to his feet and walked into his brother's room.
"Jeffy?" Matt's eyes widened as Jeff turned to look towards him. Jeff's eyes looked as if they were looking straight into his, he knew they couldn't be, but Jeff really looked as if he was staring straight into Matt's soul.
"Hey Matty." Jeff replied quietly with a please just don't bring it up tone in his voice. Matt walked over to his brother's bed as Jeff followed every sound of his movement, and sat in the chair next to it. "How's Chloe?"
"She's ok."
"I've made her feel really bad haven't I?"
"She knows you don't really mean it."
"I don't Matt, I'm just angry with everything else. Will you tell her for me?"
"You should tell her yourself."
"I don't think I can. I might explode on her."
"You wouldn't."
"I wouldn't have before, but I wouldn't have hit you before either."
"Maybe you need some help." Matt spoke carefully, trying to make it clear to Jeff that he was just telling the truth and trying not to offend him in anyway.
"I don't need a damn shrink!" Jeff's voice became louder as he exclaimed in anger.
"Not a shrink, just some counselling."
"I don't need any damn thing."
"No, you need it, you're just too damn stubborn to admit that you need some help. I've manage to put my pride behind me and admit I need help, why can't you?"
"What the hell do you mean, you've asked for help? Why the hell do you need it?"
"This is tough on all of us you know Jeff. Chloe's a mess, I haven't slept, worked or eaten properly since the accident, and you're just sitting here giving up and getting angry. I'm getting help Jeff, but you need it too."
"So you're saying that I wrecked everyone's life?"
"You know I'm not, it wouldn't have been your fault if you had, I'm just saying that if you can't do it for yourself, do it for everyone you love."
"Why should I? If I leave it long enough then Chloe'll move on and meet someone who can treat her better. You'll get over it and go back to your life, and then I won't have wrecked anyone's life."
"Is that really what you think? You think that just because you're a stubborn git we're going to leave you to rot in a sick bed. I would never give up on you, and I know Chloe loves you with all her heart. Most girls would've ran a mile with they way you've been treating her, but Chloe still comes in everyday and sits here and lets you ignore her, just so you know that she loves you enough to let you put her through that. She doesn't care that you're blind, she's just happy that you're alive. Now all she wants is the Jeff that she loves back. You're not the same guy she fell for; she loved the honest and kind Jeff, not the bitter and twisted version, but she loves you enough to put up with it. If that isn't enough then I'll tell you how I feel, or Amy, or Jay, Adam and everyone else in the wwf. Shannon, Shane. I could be here for weeks giving you reasons, but you're just too damn stubborn." Matt got to his feet. "Just think about it Jeff. I'm going." He walked out of the room and went down to the café.
15 minutes later and Matt was in a bar, having decided that he needed something stronger than a coffee. He sat at the bar, nursing a Jack Daniels and Coke, not drinking it particularly, just staring into it's depths, he downed it in one and placed it in front of himself again and stared into the base of the empty glass. The barman walked over to Matt, and removed the glass, refilling it and handing it back.
"You're that wrestler aren't you?"
"What if?"
"You used to be on the telly. You haven't been on in a while though, get sacked?"
"Nope."
"So you're injured then? How long are you out for?"
"I'm not injured."
"A drink problem, drugs?"
"No." Matt was still staring into the newly refilled glass, not particularly bothered by the barman's company or questioning, he couldn't care less about anything at that time.
"You're that one with the weird brother aren't you? The Hardyz?"
"Yup."
"Matt or Jeff?"
"Matt."
"That brother of yours hasn't been on either. Didn't something happen to him? An accident?"
"Yup."
"Was he hurt bad?"
"Yup."
"That why you're not working?"
"Yup."
"How long's he out for then?"
"Forever."
"Hurt really bad then?"
"Yup." Matt picked up the drink and downed it in one. The barman went to refill it, but Matt covered the top. "Vodka." The barman shrugged and served Matt a shot of Vodka. "No, more." The barman shrugged again and gave Matt a double shot, which he downed in one. "Again." The Barman looked a little more reluctant this time, but served it anyway. Matt sat and stared at this one, while the barman went to serve another customer.
"So, how's your brother coping then?"
"He's not."
"What about his girlfriend? She's pregnant isn't she?" Matt looked up at the Barman. "It was in the paper, it's all over the net apparently." He showed Matt the paper, it was a cheap gossipy one, but had an entire page on the story. They weren't too sure on Jeff's injuries and had made up a lot of nonsense, but it had it plain and simple, along with a picture of Chloe with the subtitle. 'Jeff Hardy's pregnant girlfriend.' There was even a picture of Matt with the bruises Jeff had given him when he'd told him about his injuries. Matt angrily threw the paper on the floor and got some more vodka off the barman, until Matt was completely out of it and the barman wouldn't serve him anymore.
"Ok, boy. Where do you keep your money?" The barman asked, going through Matt's pockets. He found a few dollars, but not enough to pay for the amount Matt had drunk. He emptied the next pocket, his cell came out and a note Shannon Moore had left on Matt's front door. The barman looked at these and the found Shannon's number on Matt's phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Shannon Moore?"
"Yup, who is this?"
"I'm the barman at the Orange House. Matt Hardy's here, a bit drunk and hasn't paid."
"You need me to come down?"
"It's you or the police."
"I'll be there in about 15 minutes." Shannon hung up and the barman put Matt's phone back in his pocket.
"You've got a good friend there boy."
Shannon arrived in about 10 mins and immediately walked over to where Matt was sitting, supported by the bar.
"Ok, so how much does he owe?" He paid the bill and half carried, half dragged Matt out to his car. "Let's get you home then."
"No, I need to see Jeff"
"Not like this you don't."
"Let him see, let him know."
"You really think that's wise?"
"Yup."
"Ok, but don't blame me for listening to you when you're drunk."
Fifteen minutes later and Shannon was desperately trying to sneak the drunk Matt through the hospital to his brother's room, but Matt was obeying the laws of drunkenness, which state that the more a drunk person tries to be quiet, the louder they become. Eventually they arrived, with Matt leaning heavily on Shannon to stay upright.
"Ok, wait here quietly." Shannon leant Matt against a wall and sneaked into Jeff's room. He hadn't seen Jeff since the accident and was relieved that there was nothing obviously different about Jeff. Gently he called his name and shook his shoulder. Jeff groaned groggily and opened his eyes. Shannon, found himself staring and looked away so Jeff wouldn't realise.
"Shan?" Jeff asked, still half asleep. "What the hell are you doing here? I asked you not to come."
"Matt asked me to bring him, he's outside."
"What? Why?" Jeff began to wake up a little.
"He's drunk, but he wanted to come and see you."
"Just tell him to be quick." Shannon went outside and guided Matt in and to the chair, by Jeff's bed.
"Hi Juju.jeffreeey. Little bru...ver."
"What the hell's going on Matt? You never drink."
"I dwank, Jeffy, I started and then I couldn't stop. I just needed.everything.to go.away."
"What Matt? What did you need to go away?"
"Everything Jeff, I wanted to.go see Mom."
"No, that's not what you mean Matt, what did you want?"
"To.die. I don't like it here Jeff, I wanna go see Mom."
"Shannon." Jeff called and Shannon walked back into the room. "He needs to go to bed, but don't leave him on his own. Promise?"
"Sure, I'll take him to mine."
"Daniel." Jeff was now on first name terms with his doctor. "Could I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"It's about Matt."
"Go on."
"He came to see me last night. He was really drunk."
"I'm not surprised to be honest Jeff. Things are tough on him too you know."
"He kept saying he wanted to die."
"Was he serious?" Doctor Daniel James looked up, his face full of concern.
"He was drunk?"
"Come on Jeff, he's your brother, you know if he meant it or not."
"He meant it then., I just don't know if he means it this morning.."
"Where is he now?" Daniel asked urgently.
"Our friend Shannon took him home. He'd already had to pick him up from a bar."
"Shannon stayed with him?"
"I made sure."
"Ok, well I'll see what I can do for Matt, but only if you promise me something."
"What?"
"I want you to promise to help Matt, by looking after yourself. I want you to agree to counselling and I want you to get out of that damn bed and started learning how to live again. Deal?" Jeff looked at Daniel, his eyes full of obvious fear. "I know it's a scary prospect, but you need to Jeff, it'll take a lot of Matt's mind."
"It'll help him?"
"Immensely."
"I don't think I can."
"It's not really a choice Jeff, you have to, for yourself, your brother and your girlfriend."
"What if something happens?"
"It won't. Just get out of that bed, stand up for yourself and stop having everyone look after you, I know you hate that. I can tell."
"I can't do it for myself though can I!"
"Your just too scared to try. Now get out of that damn bed and prove it to yourself." Jeff slowly reached down and untangled himself from the blankets. Gingerly he moved each leg and placed it over the side of the bed. Neither foot touched the floor. "Ok you're about 4 inches off the floor, it's a high bed." Holding tightly onto the side of the bed Jeff slid himself off the bed so his feet both touched the floor. He gradually straightened himself up and stood holding onto the bed for support. "Good, now just open your eyes." Jeff did as he was told and wondered why he'd closed them in the first place.
"I feel wonky."
"You will for a while. Sight is an important part of balance. Your body needs to learn not to rely on it. Do you feel ready to let go?" Jeff nodded and let go; he wobbled for a second, but stayed upright.
Chloe stood in the doorway, watching her boyfriend in amazement. She'd heard the entire conversation, but decided to stay outside and watch. She decided that now would be a good time to go and see Jeff and walked into the room, making sure Jeff would hear her footsteps and not jump. She walked up to her boyfriend and stood in front of him, her face just a foot away from her boyfriend's and took both of his hands in hers. Gently she led him forward, step-by-step he followed until she stopped him, and moved his hands to touch his surroundings. His fingers explored something cold, and flat.
"Look out of the window Jeffy. Look out and tell me what you see."
"I can't see anything."
"Yes you can Jeffy. Use your mind and memory and tell me what you see."
"I see. a field, with trees around the edge. They're just beginning to go red with the fall. There's Cameron past the field, and it looks like a cold crisp day"
"Now I'll tell you what I see. I see the bricks of the building opposite... Now tell me who's luckiest. Tell me who gets the best view." Jeff turned his body to the direction of her voice and reached his hands up to find her face. His fingers gently massaged over her closed eyes and down her cheeks.
"Don't ever stay with me, unless you can say you love me and really mean it, Chloe. I love you so much; I couldn't stand to think of you, being stuck with some invalid for the rest of your life. Just because you pity them." He whispered to her.
"I love you so much Jeff Hardy. I want to spend the rest of forever with you. And I don't pity you, not one bit. You have so much I'm jealous of you, you can see the world just as you want to, you'll never have to see anything bad again. You can be blissfully innocent of the world, I envy you that, more than anything you can imagine." He leant forward and kissed him on the nose, and then on the mouth. He deepened the kiss and wrapped his arms around her waist. After a while they both pulled back.
"I'm tired Clo." Jeff spoke gently. Chloe gently led him back to the bed and helped him into it. She then began to say goodbye, but Jeff stopped her.
"Stay with me." She silently nodded and climbed up onto the bed next to him, lying next to him, she gently played with his hair a he fell asleep, and then, when she knew he was in a deep slumber, left him and went to Matt.
"Matt? You home?" Chloe called out as she walked through Matt's house. Deciding he wasn't inside, she headed into the kitchen and out into the yard. There she spotted him, lying on the trampoline that the brothers learnt to wrestle on. She silently climbed up and sat opposite where Matt was lying. She knew he knew that she was there, but he didn't react to the slight ripples her walking motion had sent across the trampoline to him. He still lay there with his eyes closed.
"Is this all that Jeff will ever see again? Just flickering colours where light is and nothing else. No shapes or faces."
"He sees faces, he sees everything, just in his mind, he doesn't see what's there anymore. He sees what he wants to see. He sees the best of the world, all from his own perspective." Matt seemed content with the answer. The frown lines on his forehead gently ironed away, but his eyes remained closed.
"We have so many memories of this place, we grew up here, we learnt our trade here. We learnt our limits and we learned to break them. We found our dream and we worked to achieve it. I always thought that the past was important, but it's gone hasn't it. We're stuck in the present and as much as we hate it, we can't go back and change things."
"What would you change though Matty?"
"I'd keep my mother alive and I'd get Jeffy his sight back."
"But could you though? Could you stop cancer, or even stop Jeff? You told him enough times to wear his visor, but he didn't listen, maybe it was fate, maybe there's no such thing a fate, either way it happened, and maybe only Jeff could've stopped it, maybe no one could." Matt lay silently as he tried to make sense of Chloe's words. He knew she was probably being sensible, but they were words he didn't really want to comprehend. They meant that whatever he'd done, Jeff would've gone blind anyway. It was written from the moment he was born, in indelible ink.
"I just wish that there was something I could do to make him feel better, to make him get better."
"You are though Matt, and you don't even realise it. He got up today, he walked across the room, because of what you told him last night."
"Last Night.oh hell, I really said that didn't I?"
"I guess so. But whatever it was, it worked."
"Have you told him yet?" Matt changed the subject, before she could ask what he'd said.
"Not yet, I don't know how."
"You have to soon."
"I know; I'm just scared how he'll react."
"So am I hon."
"Jeffro Hardy. What've you been up to then?" Matt asked as he walked into the room, and found his brother looking out of the window.
"What do you see Matt?"
"Out the window?" Jeff nodded. "The lawn, the road, some trees." Jeff began to laugh. "Ok, so what's the joke?"
"Chloe. She told me that she could only see the building opposite."
"It's mainly that, I just wanted you to think that there was something decent for you to imagine seeing."
"I'm gonna have to watch you two like a hawk, I can tell."
"We'll have to sort out our argument then!" The brothers hugged, in welcome.
"What are you up to today?" Jeff asked his brother carefully, letting him know that he was avoiding the main problem.
"I thought I would take you on a day trip."
"Lucky me!" Jeff laughed, faking a child's voice. "Where are we going?"
"It's a surprise." He took Jeff's arm carefully and gently led him out of the hospital and to the car. Trying not to lead him too much. He let Jeff open the door, and watched carefully as his brother slid into the seat and fastened his seat belt.
Matt drove carefully, but it was hardly anything more than his usual safety conscious style. He'd always contradicted Jeff's carefree, fast style, probably because he'd seen Jeff's car after he'd crashed before, and the rise in his insurance. As he drove, he kept looking over to check on his brother, who was looking straight ahead, his head moving to the music, from the car stereo. Jeff sensed his brother's stare.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You're staring at me."
"Ok. Erm.what does it feel like?"
"Being blind, or being in the car?"
"Being in the car."
"Weird I suppose, but only a little, sorta like when you're in a car with you're eyes closed, wondering where you are without opening your eyes, directions are confusing."
"I suppose you wanna know where we're headed."
"Yup."
"The arena."
"Why?" Jeff's voice was edged with caution.
"Because I have to go back to work, and you need to start meeting people again." Jeff remained silent. "I didn't mean to betray you Jeff, but I didn't think you'd come if I asked." Jeff took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"It's scary Matt. I can't see people's faces; I don't know how they react before I speak. I'll stick my foot in it, or make them feel uncomfy."
"Maybe Jeff, but where's the promise that you wouldn't have done that before. People were intimidated and made uncomfy, just by your comfort with who you are. That shouldn't change Jeff, you should still be comfy with who you are, and they can like it or lump it." They spent the next few minutes in thought; until Matt interrupted with his announcement that he'd just turned into the arena and was going to park up.
"Are there many fans?" Jeff asked as a new fear appeared in his mind.
"About 10."
"At the entrance?"
"Yeah, but I can phone Vince to get security out if you want."
"Nope lets do this." Jeff opened the car door and got out before he could change his mind. Matt got out, picked up his bag, locked the car and walked round so that Jeff could hold his arm. Jeff took it lightly and Matt began walking. As they approached the arena the fans spotted them and began to shout, attracting more fans. Jeff held onto Matt's arm a little tighter, but his pace didn't falter.
"You gonna sign autographs?"
"You ok if I do?" Matt replied.
"Sure, just stay near me." They stopped as they reached the fans. Matt was immediately pestered for some autographs, but all but one of the fans shied away from Jeff.
"Jeff?" He heard a youngish girl address him. He looked in her direction and smiled. "Can I have my photo with you? If you don't mind." Her voice wavered, as though she was unsure if she was being rude, or asking too much.
"Sure hon. Who's gonna take it?"
"My sister." Jeff looked up from the little girl as the sister said 'hi'.
"Ok, are you ready?" Jeff pulled the guns and posed, as Matt watched on, impressed by his brother's courage. Soon all the fans were flocking around Jeff as well as Matt, no longer scared of him. After posing loads more times, the brothers excused themselves and Matt led Jeff inside.
Once through the doors Jeff let go of Matt's arm and found a wall to sink down against.
"You're doing good bro, you're doing well." Matt tried to reassure his brother.
"I'm not sure I can do it Matty, it's too hard."
"You can do it Jeff. You have to, because I'm not gonna let you become a recluse, and you couldn't even if you wanted to, it's just not in your nature."
"I just wanna be me Matt, not some blind person, or a person who needs help and pity. Just me." Matt squatted down in front of his brother, and pulled Jeff's hands away so he could look at his brother's face.
"I don't pity you Jeff, you don't need my help and you are most definitely still yourself. You remember when Chloe had that bath with you at the hospital, you know how she washed your hair?" Jeff nodded. "Well, I'm probably not supposed to tell you this, but she dyed your hair, it's green and blue Jeff. You're definitely still you. Nothing could ever change that." Jeff laughed and ran his hands through his hair.
"I already knew Matty, I could tell from the smell, I just let her think she'd got away with it, and hoped to god it wasn't pink."
"She couldn't find pink dye!" Jeff shook his head in dismay. "You coming then?" Jeff nodded and pushed himself up from the floor.
"Let's get to hell."
Once outside the general room, Jeff's courage began to fail him again. He could hear the voices filtering through the door and felt his heart sink, not knowing what to expect, or how they would react. He hadn't seen any of them since the accident and he knew they. he didn't know what they would do. Taking a deep breath he pushed the door open and waited for a reaction, as Matt waited patiently behind him so he could do what he had to do.
"Jeff!" Amy cried out, the first to spot him. He gave a feeble smile and heard her run towards him. She stopped just in front of him and his heart sank. Normally she would've ran straight up and given him a hug, but she didn't, she just stood. Slowly, he opened his arms out in front of him; he sighed as he felt her step forward and move into his arms. He smelt her hair, and felt her tears run down his shoulder. "God, I've missed you so much. Please don't ever reject me like that again." She whispered into his shoulder.
"I didn't reject you Amy, I just rejected myself, and I couldn't cope with anyone else." He whispered back. Amy nodded and stepped back from their embrace. Slowly, coming one by one, each of the wrestlers spoke to Jeff, some just saying; 'hi' and how they were glad that he was ok. Others said more, they filled him in on their news. After all that things settled down. The wrestlers sat around the room, a CD player going in the background. Jeff sat on the floor, with Amy, Matt, Adam and Jay.
"Are you excited then Jeff?" Adam suddenly asked to break the silence.
"Erm...what about?" Jeff's blindness hid Matt's sudden wild gestures.
"About Chloe being preg.pretty?" Jeff's face screwed up with confusement and anger.
"Adam. Tell me what you were going to say." Jeff demanded.
"It was nothing, really."
"Matt, I want to go. NOW." Jeff shouted as he rose to his feet. Silently Matt climbed up from the floor and led his brother out of the door. In the corridor he stopped and closed the door behind them. "She's Pregnant?" Jeff burst out. "Why the hell didn't you tell me? You told other people but left me in the dark, or was I just the blind boy, unable to see that his girlfriend is pregnant so no one bothers to tell him?"
"It wasn't like that Jeff, we wanted to tell you, we did, we just didn't know how to tell you, we didn't know how you'd react?"
"How long have you known?" Jeff's voice was suddenly quiet.
"The day of the accident, Chloe found out for sure then, she was gonna tell you when you went out for a meal that night."
"God, I'm such a fuck up." Jeff shouted, angry with himself. "Not only do I wreck my own life, I have the grace to do it with bad timing, and affecting not just my friends, my family and my girlfriend, but my unborn kid as well." Jeff's looked up towards the ceiling. "I can't believe you didn't tell me."
"How could we Jeff? You know what you were like, how were we supposed to tell you when you had such a negative attitude towards everything?"
"This is why it's affected you so much isn't it. It wasn't just the accident and my behaviour; you never could keep stuff to yourself. It was what was weighing you down, wasn't I?"
"I wanted you to know so much Jeff, I could imagine how happy you would've been, but I just felt things had changed."
"You think that I'm not capable of being a Dad don't you?" Jeff's face showed his anger towards his brother.
"Jeff you'll make a brilliant Dad, I just wasn't sure if you could cope so soon after the accident, you're still young Jeffy."
"You think I'll fuck up even worse than you did, just because I'm blind! Well I'll tell you this Matt Hardy, I'm not you and blind or not, I will not make your mistakes." Jeff suddenly realised that he'd taken things too far. All his anger, shock and confusion sunk out of his body as he realised what he'd said to his brother.
"I was 19 Jeff. I didn't know what to do. She was only 19 too, we couldn't look after a kid, but we didn't even get a chance. I loved her with all my heart, and I loved our little girl too, but I couldn't look after them. I couldn't reach them; it was too hot and suffocating. I tried, I really tried." Jeff knew this speech well; he'd heard it every time the fire came up. Matt always got stuck inside his own head, remembering his little girl, Ava May, and his fiancé and the fire that killed them both. Jeff stepped forward and embraced his brother.
"I didn't mean that Matty, you didn't make any mistakes. You were a great Dad."
"Just not good enough."
"Good enough." Matt returned his brothers embrace and felt the fear slip away in his safe arms.
"Could I borrow your phone?" Jeff asked when they released each other.
"Sure, who do you want to call?"
"Chloe." Matt found the number on his phone and handed it to Jeff.
"It's already ringing." Jeff nodded and held the phone to his ear.
"Matt are you ok? Is they day out ok?" Chloe answered the phone worriedly.
"Hi Mom." Jeff spoke the two simple words.
"You know?" Her voice portrayed her shock.
"Adam let it slip."
"I wanted to tell you Jeff, I really did."
"I just wish you had. Maybe then I would've had something more to get better for."
"You're not better yet Jeff. Finish it for the sprog."
"I promise."
July 5th 2001, the due date.
"Well done Jeff, you've done it. You've adapted perfectly, and really impressed us all. You've got a job, you live just like you used to, so get the hell outta my hospital!" Doctor James joked as he and Jeff said goodbye, hopefully for the last official time.
"Yup, now I just gotta get the sprog born."
"Phone me when you do."
"Yup, I'm gonna phone the world."
"You got time off work then?"
"Yeah, they've got a replacement events co-ordinator."
"Boy, are you proud of that label!" Daniel laughed.
"Hey, I have the power to get Matt sacked, why wouldn't I be loving it." The two men hugged before Liger led his owner out of the hospital and into the waiting taxi. "Home, here I come and I'm on my own." Jeff said to himself in celebration as they pulled out of the car park. "I'm back in the game!"
July 11th 2001
"Jeff, it hurts, it.argh."
"Push hon, and we'll finally get this baby out." Chloe grimaced at her boyfriend as she pushed her hardest. Jeff held her hand and smiled, aware that she was pulling a face at him, but also aware of the baby, on it's way into the world.
"One more push." The midwife interrupted his thoughts and Chloe's grip on his hand tightened and then went limp as a high-pitched scream erupted from the room.
"Be quiet Matt, I wanna hear the baby!" Jeff laughed as his brother walked over and punched him.
"Oi, behave yourselves you two, there's a baby in the room."
"Congratulations, you have a new little daughter." The midwife said as she handed Jeff and bundle of blankets.
"Sure there's one in here?" He laughed as he gently felt in between the blankets and counted the fingers and toes, before kissing his daughter on the forehead and handing her to Chloe. "Welcome to the world Mollie Ava Hardy."
"Chloe, don't talk like that, you make it sound like he's dead, and he's not, he's going to be fine, just fine."
"Look at him Matt, he's lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by machines which do god knows what to keep him alive, I'm not even he's the one that's breathing and all you can say is he's gonna be fine. Look at his face and tell me that, look at that cut across his forehead and his black and swollen eyes and tell me that." Chloe burst into tears and held her head in her hands. "I need him Matty, I don't want him to leave me, we need him."
"I know hon, that's why he's not gonna leave us."
"He can't Matty, I'm pregnant."
"You're...pregnant? Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"How long have you known?"
"I found out for sure this morning. I was gonna tell Jeff at dinner tonight." Chloe fell into even deeper sobs as Matt wrapped his arms around her. They stayed like that until a nurse came in and told them that they would have to leave now. Neither was willing to leave the hospital so they went down to the café and found a table where their friends from the wwf were waiting eagerly for news.
"Nothing." Was all Matt would say as he slipped into the table and lay back on the chair. It was 6 hours since Jeff's accident, but there was still about 20 wrestlers hanging around the hospital, hoping for good news, hoping that Jeff would wake up and wonder what all the fuss is about, telling people that they should know better than think him seriously injured. Matt sat there in the chair with his brother's girlfriend crying onto his shoulder and fell into a shallow, jerky sleep.
As Matt slept, Jeff was battling inside his own head to wake up. He was emerging as though walking through a really foggy night towards a bright light. He reached the light and felt his thoughts become crystal clear, but he was still in darkness. He tried to roll over, hoping to find a light, but as he moved a pain in his side became horrific and he could do little other than let out a groan and lay back to catch his breath.
Suddenly he felt a presence looming over him.
"Mr Hardy, can you hear me? You're in the Memorial Hospital, you were involved in a car accident."
Jeff swallowed once or twice, trying to lubricate his dry throat and mouth. "Why's it so dark? Turn the light on." He heard a little gasp and some movement.
"I'm just getting the doctor for you." More footsteps and movement and then another presence leaning over him.
"Mr Hardy."
"Jeff."
"Ok Jeff, I'm doctor James. I'm just going to shine a torch into your eyes; I want to tell me what you see. Ok, what do you see now?"
"Erm. I can see some colours on my right."
"Ok, and now."
"Colours on my left."
"Ok, do you remember what happened?"
"I remember a truck, it just pulled out in front of me, I tried to swerve."
"Ok, that's good. Now where do you hurt?"
"My left side when I try to move and my head a little."
"How about your legs?"
"They just ache."
"Ok then. I'm just going to go and find your brother and girlfriend."
"Can you turn the light on before you go?"
"I'll see about that when I come back, I won't be long." There were footsteps and then only Jeff and the nurse left in the room.
"Nurse?"
"Yes,"
"Has my girlfriend seen me yet?"
"Yes, she was in until we had to give you some rest."
"Matt, the doctor's here." Matt was woken by Jay Reso, one of his and Jeff's best friends, talking to him and gently shaking his shoulders. He opened his eyes and saw a young male doctor waiting patiently for him and Chloe to wake up properly.
"What's happened, is he awake?" Matt asked desperately.
"Yes, and we've been able to get a better idea of his injuries."
"Is he going to be ok?" Matt asked while looking over to the other side of the café where the rest of the wwf were still waiting.
"Mr Hardy, Miss Lovesey, I'm afraid that Jeff is permanently blind in both eyes."
"Blind, he can't be?" Matt whispered to himself and Chloe cried softly.
"Apart from that, he is very lucky and has only a few cracked ribs. It's amazing he survived, never mind had so few injuries."
"Blind." Matt repeated to himself, trying to come to terms with it.
"As yet we have not informed your brother of his injuries."
"He doesn't know?"
"He thinks the light is turned off. We can tell him, or if you prefer you could."
"I want to." Matt stated, determinedly, as Chloe gave him a weak smile, to say she agreed.
"Ok, if you make your way up, in your own time." Matt nodded and the doctor left, heading back up to the room, as the wrestlers made their way back over.
"Is he awake?" Jay asked hopefully as Adam looked at Matt, as if trying to gage his reaction.
"He's awake, and they know the full extent of his injuries." They nodded eagerly. "He has a few crack ribs, and he's.blind." Their faces dropped as they all tried to come to terms that their brightly coloured, skittle and danger-loving friend was now blind.
"Forever?" Their very best friend Amy asked, in tears. She turned and hugged Adam when Matt nodded.
"He doesn't know. I need to go and tell him," Matt stated getting up, and leading Chloe through the group, as they all watched them walk away, their amazement clear on their faces.
"How can he not know?"
"Jeff?" Matt asked gently, trying not to make his brother jump, at his sudden entrance.
"Finally, someone half sane! Matty, can you turn the light on for me?" Jeff asked in an exasperated tone.
"Jeffy.the lights are on."
"Matt" He moaned. "I'm not in the mood for joking."
"Neither am I Jeff." Matt replied, his voice was wavering a little but still letting his honest tone come through.
"But, I can't see them."
"I know Jeffy."
"What's happened?" The panic in Jeff's voice shone through as he reached out for his brother's hands. Matt took both of Jeff's ands in one of his and stroked the underneath of his wrist with the other, just like their Mom used to do when they were young.
"It was the accident Jeff, you didn't have your visor down again!"
"But.how long will it stay like this?" Jeff sounded a lot younger than his 23 years; his voice was full of hope and honest belief that he would see again.
"Forever Jeffy.you're never going to see again." Matt's voice broke as he dissolved into tears at having to be so bluntly honest with his baby brother, but Jeff didn't see Matt's pain, he was too absorbed in his own feelings. He pulled his hands from Matt's grip and swung out, he caught Matt square on the jaw and swung again and again, until he just didn't have the energy anymore and the pain became too much. Matt just stood there and let his little brother hit him over and over again, knowing that Jeff would feel no better for having done it, but also knowing that if he didn't hit Matt, he would hit the next person who came near enough.
"Mr Hardy? Miss Lovesey?" The nurse addressed Matt and Chloe. "You need to leave now, he needs his rest."
"I'm not leaving him." They replied together.
"I'm afraid you have no choice." The nurse replied her voice as determined as theirs.
"Jeffy. I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" Matt kissed his brother on the forehead and headed towards the door.
"Jeff.I.love you." Chloe forced herself to say the words she was so afraid of, but Jeff just faced away from her.
Over the next two weeks Matt and Chloe went to see Jeff everyday, they watched his wounds heal and his anger rise. He barely spoke to them, only answering their direct questions and making no effort to start a conversation. He wouldn't even directly face them and although he couldn't see, he still averted his eyes, as though he couldn't bring himself to look at their faces. They watched this and tried in their separate ways to cope, Chloe turned to Matt, and Matt kept it all to himself.
Jeff wouldn't let any of their friends see him, they all sent presents and Jeff's room was full of skittles, but he still wouldn't change his mind. The doctors tried to give him counselling, but he wouldn't accept that either. He didn't want anyone's help, but struggled to cope with his feelings on his own. He knew he had no right to be angry with his brother or Chloe, but couldn't control his feelings towards them. Most of all, he was angry with himself, he knew he'd been stupid and couldn't even number the amount of times that he'd been told to put his visor down while on his bike, but he'd been too stubborn to listen and now it was too late. He knew that it was his own fault that he would never see his girlfriend's face again, or even be able to wrestle again. He wasn't even sure if he'd be able to live on his own anymore, never mind go out by himself. All the little things that signified freedom to him had been taken away and it was his entire fault. He loathed himself, he loathed his personality, but most of all he loathed his own eyes. Before the accident he'd been told so many times, by so many people that they were his best feature, that they, above everything else made him stand out, and now, he wasn't even sure they were the same colour.
"Nurse." Jeff broke from his thoughts and called out.
"Yes Jeff?" A nurse who Jeff guessed was young and female answered. She had a nice voice, which instantly made Jeff feel comfy with her.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"It might sound weird."
"Just try, I promise I won't laugh or anything."
"Do my eyes look weird?"
"Do they look like your blind, do you mean?"
"Erm, yeah. Do they look like normal eyes?"
"Well I'll describe them too you, and you can decided, now look towards me." Jeff did and she ummed and ahhed for a minute before continuing. "Your eyes are.a stunning, piercing green colour, a little more blood shot than natural, but that will go. But apart from that, they're beautiful."
"So you can't tell that I'm..I can't see?"
"No. Now it's my turn to ask a question. Have you said the b word yet?" Jeff felt her sit on the edge of his bed, and moved over to give her more room.
"The b word?" Jeff knew what she was saying, but was unwilling to participate in the conversation.
"You know what I mean, and you have to answer it, because I answered yours."
"No, I haven't."
"Why don't you try? I promise it'll help you feel better."
"How will saying it change anything, because that's what'll make things better, things being just how they were before." Jeff's voice rose a little as he spoke.
"Admitting it to yourself is the first step to recovery."
"Why do you say recovery? It's not like I can get better, I know that much."
"You can cope though Jeff, that's what recovery means at the moment, getting you to as near to what you were as possible."
"Fine, tell me how I can wrestle, tell me how I can do motocross, or live on my own, or watch my favourite movie, or write, or draw?"
"Plenty of blind people live on their own. Blind people are judo champions; blind people can write and draw. You can do all that Jeff, but you just need to admit to yourself that you need to start learning how to do things again."
"I'm blind, is that what you want me to say, will you go away now, I'm blind, I'm blind, I'm blind." Jeff burst into tears as Matt watched from the doorway. He saw as the tears ran down his brother's face and watched as the next formed in his green eyes. 'They can't not see, they just can't, how's he supposed to see his kid, or play ball with it as it grows up? And how is Chloe supposed to tell him that she's pregnant with a child he can never look at.' Matt turned away from the door and leant with his back against the wall. He slid to the floor and sat there with his head in his hands, not crying, he hadn't cried since before he'd learnt about Jeff's blindness, it was weird, Jeff was the one who couldn't see, but Matt couldn't cry. It would be like admitting defeat, saying he couldn't cope and that was something he wouldn't do.
As Matt sat on the floor, Jeff's Doctor walked up the corridor. He stopped as he saw Matt, before continuing and stopping in front of Matt.
"Matt?" Matt looked up at his name being called, and attempted a smile, before beginning to get to his feet, but Doctor James signalled for him to stop and slid down to the floor next to Matt.
"If I ask you a question, will you answer honestly?" Matt nodded and the Doctor continued. "How are you coping?"
"I'm ok."
"Really? When was the last time you sat down and ate a proper meal, or had more than a couple of hours sleep."
"A while." Matt admitted.
"You know that Jeff will be able to go home soon, when he's learnt how to cope a bit more?" Matt nodded. "And I guess that you're going to want to look after him." Again, Matt nodded. "He's gonna need you to be strong, and well. You need to look after yourself before you can even consider looking after him. I'm guessing that in your family you don't like to rely on others too much." Matt looked up in shock that the doctor knew so much. Doctor James laughed. "Hey, I don't know anything you or Jeff hasn't told me, it's just one of those things that you both do, and I guessed the rest. But anyway you just need to know that there's no shame in asking for help. Jeff is going to have to learn that whether he wants to or not, and all I'm saying is, that it would do no harm if you led he way."
"You're offering me some help?" Matt queried.
"Nothing serious, just some sleeping pills, for a few weeks, and some counselling would probably help, if you're willing to accept it." Matt nodded, knowing that the doctor was right, that he had to accept the help and hope that Jeff would follow his example. "I think it would help."
"Thanks." Matt said as he vigorously shook his head to try to clear it a little. "I'm gonna go see Jeff now." Matt got to his feet and walked into his brother's room.
"Jeffy?" Matt's eyes widened as Jeff turned to look towards him. Jeff's eyes looked as if they were looking straight into his, he knew they couldn't be, but Jeff really looked as if he was staring straight into Matt's soul.
"Hey Matty." Jeff replied quietly with a please just don't bring it up tone in his voice. Matt walked over to his brother's bed as Jeff followed every sound of his movement, and sat in the chair next to it. "How's Chloe?"
"She's ok."
"I've made her feel really bad haven't I?"
"She knows you don't really mean it."
"I don't Matt, I'm just angry with everything else. Will you tell her for me?"
"You should tell her yourself."
"I don't think I can. I might explode on her."
"You wouldn't."
"I wouldn't have before, but I wouldn't have hit you before either."
"Maybe you need some help." Matt spoke carefully, trying to make it clear to Jeff that he was just telling the truth and trying not to offend him in anyway.
"I don't need a damn shrink!" Jeff's voice became louder as he exclaimed in anger.
"Not a shrink, just some counselling."
"I don't need any damn thing."
"No, you need it, you're just too damn stubborn to admit that you need some help. I've manage to put my pride behind me and admit I need help, why can't you?"
"What the hell do you mean, you've asked for help? Why the hell do you need it?"
"This is tough on all of us you know Jeff. Chloe's a mess, I haven't slept, worked or eaten properly since the accident, and you're just sitting here giving up and getting angry. I'm getting help Jeff, but you need it too."
"So you're saying that I wrecked everyone's life?"
"You know I'm not, it wouldn't have been your fault if you had, I'm just saying that if you can't do it for yourself, do it for everyone you love."
"Why should I? If I leave it long enough then Chloe'll move on and meet someone who can treat her better. You'll get over it and go back to your life, and then I won't have wrecked anyone's life."
"Is that really what you think? You think that just because you're a stubborn git we're going to leave you to rot in a sick bed. I would never give up on you, and I know Chloe loves you with all her heart. Most girls would've ran a mile with they way you've been treating her, but Chloe still comes in everyday and sits here and lets you ignore her, just so you know that she loves you enough to let you put her through that. She doesn't care that you're blind, she's just happy that you're alive. Now all she wants is the Jeff that she loves back. You're not the same guy she fell for; she loved the honest and kind Jeff, not the bitter and twisted version, but she loves you enough to put up with it. If that isn't enough then I'll tell you how I feel, or Amy, or Jay, Adam and everyone else in the wwf. Shannon, Shane. I could be here for weeks giving you reasons, but you're just too damn stubborn." Matt got to his feet. "Just think about it Jeff. I'm going." He walked out of the room and went down to the café.
15 minutes later and Matt was in a bar, having decided that he needed something stronger than a coffee. He sat at the bar, nursing a Jack Daniels and Coke, not drinking it particularly, just staring into it's depths, he downed it in one and placed it in front of himself again and stared into the base of the empty glass. The barman walked over to Matt, and removed the glass, refilling it and handing it back.
"You're that wrestler aren't you?"
"What if?"
"You used to be on the telly. You haven't been on in a while though, get sacked?"
"Nope."
"So you're injured then? How long are you out for?"
"I'm not injured."
"A drink problem, drugs?"
"No." Matt was still staring into the newly refilled glass, not particularly bothered by the barman's company or questioning, he couldn't care less about anything at that time.
"You're that one with the weird brother aren't you? The Hardyz?"
"Yup."
"Matt or Jeff?"
"Matt."
"That brother of yours hasn't been on either. Didn't something happen to him? An accident?"
"Yup."
"Was he hurt bad?"
"Yup."
"That why you're not working?"
"Yup."
"How long's he out for then?"
"Forever."
"Hurt really bad then?"
"Yup." Matt picked up the drink and downed it in one. The barman went to refill it, but Matt covered the top. "Vodka." The barman shrugged and served Matt a shot of Vodka. "No, more." The barman shrugged again and gave Matt a double shot, which he downed in one. "Again." The Barman looked a little more reluctant this time, but served it anyway. Matt sat and stared at this one, while the barman went to serve another customer.
"So, how's your brother coping then?"
"He's not."
"What about his girlfriend? She's pregnant isn't she?" Matt looked up at the Barman. "It was in the paper, it's all over the net apparently." He showed Matt the paper, it was a cheap gossipy one, but had an entire page on the story. They weren't too sure on Jeff's injuries and had made up a lot of nonsense, but it had it plain and simple, along with a picture of Chloe with the subtitle. 'Jeff Hardy's pregnant girlfriend.' There was even a picture of Matt with the bruises Jeff had given him when he'd told him about his injuries. Matt angrily threw the paper on the floor and got some more vodka off the barman, until Matt was completely out of it and the barman wouldn't serve him anymore.
"Ok, boy. Where do you keep your money?" The barman asked, going through Matt's pockets. He found a few dollars, but not enough to pay for the amount Matt had drunk. He emptied the next pocket, his cell came out and a note Shannon Moore had left on Matt's front door. The barman looked at these and the found Shannon's number on Matt's phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Shannon Moore?"
"Yup, who is this?"
"I'm the barman at the Orange House. Matt Hardy's here, a bit drunk and hasn't paid."
"You need me to come down?"
"It's you or the police."
"I'll be there in about 15 minutes." Shannon hung up and the barman put Matt's phone back in his pocket.
"You've got a good friend there boy."
Shannon arrived in about 10 mins and immediately walked over to where Matt was sitting, supported by the bar.
"Ok, so how much does he owe?" He paid the bill and half carried, half dragged Matt out to his car. "Let's get you home then."
"No, I need to see Jeff"
"Not like this you don't."
"Let him see, let him know."
"You really think that's wise?"
"Yup."
"Ok, but don't blame me for listening to you when you're drunk."
Fifteen minutes later and Shannon was desperately trying to sneak the drunk Matt through the hospital to his brother's room, but Matt was obeying the laws of drunkenness, which state that the more a drunk person tries to be quiet, the louder they become. Eventually they arrived, with Matt leaning heavily on Shannon to stay upright.
"Ok, wait here quietly." Shannon leant Matt against a wall and sneaked into Jeff's room. He hadn't seen Jeff since the accident and was relieved that there was nothing obviously different about Jeff. Gently he called his name and shook his shoulder. Jeff groaned groggily and opened his eyes. Shannon, found himself staring and looked away so Jeff wouldn't realise.
"Shan?" Jeff asked, still half asleep. "What the hell are you doing here? I asked you not to come."
"Matt asked me to bring him, he's outside."
"What? Why?" Jeff began to wake up a little.
"He's drunk, but he wanted to come and see you."
"Just tell him to be quick." Shannon went outside and guided Matt in and to the chair, by Jeff's bed.
"Hi Juju.jeffreeey. Little bru...ver."
"What the hell's going on Matt? You never drink."
"I dwank, Jeffy, I started and then I couldn't stop. I just needed.everything.to go.away."
"What Matt? What did you need to go away?"
"Everything Jeff, I wanted to.go see Mom."
"No, that's not what you mean Matt, what did you want?"
"To.die. I don't like it here Jeff, I wanna go see Mom."
"Shannon." Jeff called and Shannon walked back into the room. "He needs to go to bed, but don't leave him on his own. Promise?"
"Sure, I'll take him to mine."
"Daniel." Jeff was now on first name terms with his doctor. "Could I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"It's about Matt."
"Go on."
"He came to see me last night. He was really drunk."
"I'm not surprised to be honest Jeff. Things are tough on him too you know."
"He kept saying he wanted to die."
"Was he serious?" Doctor Daniel James looked up, his face full of concern.
"He was drunk?"
"Come on Jeff, he's your brother, you know if he meant it or not."
"He meant it then., I just don't know if he means it this morning.."
"Where is he now?" Daniel asked urgently.
"Our friend Shannon took him home. He'd already had to pick him up from a bar."
"Shannon stayed with him?"
"I made sure."
"Ok, well I'll see what I can do for Matt, but only if you promise me something."
"What?"
"I want you to promise to help Matt, by looking after yourself. I want you to agree to counselling and I want you to get out of that damn bed and started learning how to live again. Deal?" Jeff looked at Daniel, his eyes full of obvious fear. "I know it's a scary prospect, but you need to Jeff, it'll take a lot of Matt's mind."
"It'll help him?"
"Immensely."
"I don't think I can."
"It's not really a choice Jeff, you have to, for yourself, your brother and your girlfriend."
"What if something happens?"
"It won't. Just get out of that bed, stand up for yourself and stop having everyone look after you, I know you hate that. I can tell."
"I can't do it for myself though can I!"
"Your just too scared to try. Now get out of that damn bed and prove it to yourself." Jeff slowly reached down and untangled himself from the blankets. Gingerly he moved each leg and placed it over the side of the bed. Neither foot touched the floor. "Ok you're about 4 inches off the floor, it's a high bed." Holding tightly onto the side of the bed Jeff slid himself off the bed so his feet both touched the floor. He gradually straightened himself up and stood holding onto the bed for support. "Good, now just open your eyes." Jeff did as he was told and wondered why he'd closed them in the first place.
"I feel wonky."
"You will for a while. Sight is an important part of balance. Your body needs to learn not to rely on it. Do you feel ready to let go?" Jeff nodded and let go; he wobbled for a second, but stayed upright.
Chloe stood in the doorway, watching her boyfriend in amazement. She'd heard the entire conversation, but decided to stay outside and watch. She decided that now would be a good time to go and see Jeff and walked into the room, making sure Jeff would hear her footsteps and not jump. She walked up to her boyfriend and stood in front of him, her face just a foot away from her boyfriend's and took both of his hands in hers. Gently she led him forward, step-by-step he followed until she stopped him, and moved his hands to touch his surroundings. His fingers explored something cold, and flat.
"Look out of the window Jeffy. Look out and tell me what you see."
"I can't see anything."
"Yes you can Jeffy. Use your mind and memory and tell me what you see."
"I see. a field, with trees around the edge. They're just beginning to go red with the fall. There's Cameron past the field, and it looks like a cold crisp day"
"Now I'll tell you what I see. I see the bricks of the building opposite... Now tell me who's luckiest. Tell me who gets the best view." Jeff turned his body to the direction of her voice and reached his hands up to find her face. His fingers gently massaged over her closed eyes and down her cheeks.
"Don't ever stay with me, unless you can say you love me and really mean it, Chloe. I love you so much; I couldn't stand to think of you, being stuck with some invalid for the rest of your life. Just because you pity them." He whispered to her.
"I love you so much Jeff Hardy. I want to spend the rest of forever with you. And I don't pity you, not one bit. You have so much I'm jealous of you, you can see the world just as you want to, you'll never have to see anything bad again. You can be blissfully innocent of the world, I envy you that, more than anything you can imagine." He leant forward and kissed him on the nose, and then on the mouth. He deepened the kiss and wrapped his arms around her waist. After a while they both pulled back.
"I'm tired Clo." Jeff spoke gently. Chloe gently led him back to the bed and helped him into it. She then began to say goodbye, but Jeff stopped her.
"Stay with me." She silently nodded and climbed up onto the bed next to him, lying next to him, she gently played with his hair a he fell asleep, and then, when she knew he was in a deep slumber, left him and went to Matt.
"Matt? You home?" Chloe called out as she walked through Matt's house. Deciding he wasn't inside, she headed into the kitchen and out into the yard. There she spotted him, lying on the trampoline that the brothers learnt to wrestle on. She silently climbed up and sat opposite where Matt was lying. She knew he knew that she was there, but he didn't react to the slight ripples her walking motion had sent across the trampoline to him. He still lay there with his eyes closed.
"Is this all that Jeff will ever see again? Just flickering colours where light is and nothing else. No shapes or faces."
"He sees faces, he sees everything, just in his mind, he doesn't see what's there anymore. He sees what he wants to see. He sees the best of the world, all from his own perspective." Matt seemed content with the answer. The frown lines on his forehead gently ironed away, but his eyes remained closed.
"We have so many memories of this place, we grew up here, we learnt our trade here. We learnt our limits and we learned to break them. We found our dream and we worked to achieve it. I always thought that the past was important, but it's gone hasn't it. We're stuck in the present and as much as we hate it, we can't go back and change things."
"What would you change though Matty?"
"I'd keep my mother alive and I'd get Jeffy his sight back."
"But could you though? Could you stop cancer, or even stop Jeff? You told him enough times to wear his visor, but he didn't listen, maybe it was fate, maybe there's no such thing a fate, either way it happened, and maybe only Jeff could've stopped it, maybe no one could." Matt lay silently as he tried to make sense of Chloe's words. He knew she was probably being sensible, but they were words he didn't really want to comprehend. They meant that whatever he'd done, Jeff would've gone blind anyway. It was written from the moment he was born, in indelible ink.
"I just wish that there was something I could do to make him feel better, to make him get better."
"You are though Matt, and you don't even realise it. He got up today, he walked across the room, because of what you told him last night."
"Last Night.oh hell, I really said that didn't I?"
"I guess so. But whatever it was, it worked."
"Have you told him yet?" Matt changed the subject, before she could ask what he'd said.
"Not yet, I don't know how."
"You have to soon."
"I know; I'm just scared how he'll react."
"So am I hon."
"Jeffro Hardy. What've you been up to then?" Matt asked as he walked into the room, and found his brother looking out of the window.
"What do you see Matt?"
"Out the window?" Jeff nodded. "The lawn, the road, some trees." Jeff began to laugh. "Ok, so what's the joke?"
"Chloe. She told me that she could only see the building opposite."
"It's mainly that, I just wanted you to think that there was something decent for you to imagine seeing."
"I'm gonna have to watch you two like a hawk, I can tell."
"We'll have to sort out our argument then!" The brothers hugged, in welcome.
"What are you up to today?" Jeff asked his brother carefully, letting him know that he was avoiding the main problem.
"I thought I would take you on a day trip."
"Lucky me!" Jeff laughed, faking a child's voice. "Where are we going?"
"It's a surprise." He took Jeff's arm carefully and gently led him out of the hospital and to the car. Trying not to lead him too much. He let Jeff open the door, and watched carefully as his brother slid into the seat and fastened his seat belt.
Matt drove carefully, but it was hardly anything more than his usual safety conscious style. He'd always contradicted Jeff's carefree, fast style, probably because he'd seen Jeff's car after he'd crashed before, and the rise in his insurance. As he drove, he kept looking over to check on his brother, who was looking straight ahead, his head moving to the music, from the car stereo. Jeff sensed his brother's stare.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You're staring at me."
"Ok. Erm.what does it feel like?"
"Being blind, or being in the car?"
"Being in the car."
"Weird I suppose, but only a little, sorta like when you're in a car with you're eyes closed, wondering where you are without opening your eyes, directions are confusing."
"I suppose you wanna know where we're headed."
"Yup."
"The arena."
"Why?" Jeff's voice was edged with caution.
"Because I have to go back to work, and you need to start meeting people again." Jeff remained silent. "I didn't mean to betray you Jeff, but I didn't think you'd come if I asked." Jeff took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"It's scary Matt. I can't see people's faces; I don't know how they react before I speak. I'll stick my foot in it, or make them feel uncomfy."
"Maybe Jeff, but where's the promise that you wouldn't have done that before. People were intimidated and made uncomfy, just by your comfort with who you are. That shouldn't change Jeff, you should still be comfy with who you are, and they can like it or lump it." They spent the next few minutes in thought; until Matt interrupted with his announcement that he'd just turned into the arena and was going to park up.
"Are there many fans?" Jeff asked as a new fear appeared in his mind.
"About 10."
"At the entrance?"
"Yeah, but I can phone Vince to get security out if you want."
"Nope lets do this." Jeff opened the car door and got out before he could change his mind. Matt got out, picked up his bag, locked the car and walked round so that Jeff could hold his arm. Jeff took it lightly and Matt began walking. As they approached the arena the fans spotted them and began to shout, attracting more fans. Jeff held onto Matt's arm a little tighter, but his pace didn't falter.
"You gonna sign autographs?"
"You ok if I do?" Matt replied.
"Sure, just stay near me." They stopped as they reached the fans. Matt was immediately pestered for some autographs, but all but one of the fans shied away from Jeff.
"Jeff?" He heard a youngish girl address him. He looked in her direction and smiled. "Can I have my photo with you? If you don't mind." Her voice wavered, as though she was unsure if she was being rude, or asking too much.
"Sure hon. Who's gonna take it?"
"My sister." Jeff looked up from the little girl as the sister said 'hi'.
"Ok, are you ready?" Jeff pulled the guns and posed, as Matt watched on, impressed by his brother's courage. Soon all the fans were flocking around Jeff as well as Matt, no longer scared of him. After posing loads more times, the brothers excused themselves and Matt led Jeff inside.
Once through the doors Jeff let go of Matt's arm and found a wall to sink down against.
"You're doing good bro, you're doing well." Matt tried to reassure his brother.
"I'm not sure I can do it Matty, it's too hard."
"You can do it Jeff. You have to, because I'm not gonna let you become a recluse, and you couldn't even if you wanted to, it's just not in your nature."
"I just wanna be me Matt, not some blind person, or a person who needs help and pity. Just me." Matt squatted down in front of his brother, and pulled Jeff's hands away so he could look at his brother's face.
"I don't pity you Jeff, you don't need my help and you are most definitely still yourself. You remember when Chloe had that bath with you at the hospital, you know how she washed your hair?" Jeff nodded. "Well, I'm probably not supposed to tell you this, but she dyed your hair, it's green and blue Jeff. You're definitely still you. Nothing could ever change that." Jeff laughed and ran his hands through his hair.
"I already knew Matty, I could tell from the smell, I just let her think she'd got away with it, and hoped to god it wasn't pink."
"She couldn't find pink dye!" Jeff shook his head in dismay. "You coming then?" Jeff nodded and pushed himself up from the floor.
"Let's get to hell."
Once outside the general room, Jeff's courage began to fail him again. He could hear the voices filtering through the door and felt his heart sink, not knowing what to expect, or how they would react. He hadn't seen any of them since the accident and he knew they. he didn't know what they would do. Taking a deep breath he pushed the door open and waited for a reaction, as Matt waited patiently behind him so he could do what he had to do.
"Jeff!" Amy cried out, the first to spot him. He gave a feeble smile and heard her run towards him. She stopped just in front of him and his heart sank. Normally she would've ran straight up and given him a hug, but she didn't, she just stood. Slowly, he opened his arms out in front of him; he sighed as he felt her step forward and move into his arms. He smelt her hair, and felt her tears run down his shoulder. "God, I've missed you so much. Please don't ever reject me like that again." She whispered into his shoulder.
"I didn't reject you Amy, I just rejected myself, and I couldn't cope with anyone else." He whispered back. Amy nodded and stepped back from their embrace. Slowly, coming one by one, each of the wrestlers spoke to Jeff, some just saying; 'hi' and how they were glad that he was ok. Others said more, they filled him in on their news. After all that things settled down. The wrestlers sat around the room, a CD player going in the background. Jeff sat on the floor, with Amy, Matt, Adam and Jay.
"Are you excited then Jeff?" Adam suddenly asked to break the silence.
"Erm...what about?" Jeff's blindness hid Matt's sudden wild gestures.
"About Chloe being preg.pretty?" Jeff's face screwed up with confusement and anger.
"Adam. Tell me what you were going to say." Jeff demanded.
"It was nothing, really."
"Matt, I want to go. NOW." Jeff shouted as he rose to his feet. Silently Matt climbed up from the floor and led his brother out of the door. In the corridor he stopped and closed the door behind them. "She's Pregnant?" Jeff burst out. "Why the hell didn't you tell me? You told other people but left me in the dark, or was I just the blind boy, unable to see that his girlfriend is pregnant so no one bothers to tell him?"
"It wasn't like that Jeff, we wanted to tell you, we did, we just didn't know how to tell you, we didn't know how you'd react?"
"How long have you known?" Jeff's voice was suddenly quiet.
"The day of the accident, Chloe found out for sure then, she was gonna tell you when you went out for a meal that night."
"God, I'm such a fuck up." Jeff shouted, angry with himself. "Not only do I wreck my own life, I have the grace to do it with bad timing, and affecting not just my friends, my family and my girlfriend, but my unborn kid as well." Jeff's looked up towards the ceiling. "I can't believe you didn't tell me."
"How could we Jeff? You know what you were like, how were we supposed to tell you when you had such a negative attitude towards everything?"
"This is why it's affected you so much isn't it. It wasn't just the accident and my behaviour; you never could keep stuff to yourself. It was what was weighing you down, wasn't I?"
"I wanted you to know so much Jeff, I could imagine how happy you would've been, but I just felt things had changed."
"You think that I'm not capable of being a Dad don't you?" Jeff's face showed his anger towards his brother.
"Jeff you'll make a brilliant Dad, I just wasn't sure if you could cope so soon after the accident, you're still young Jeffy."
"You think I'll fuck up even worse than you did, just because I'm blind! Well I'll tell you this Matt Hardy, I'm not you and blind or not, I will not make your mistakes." Jeff suddenly realised that he'd taken things too far. All his anger, shock and confusion sunk out of his body as he realised what he'd said to his brother.
"I was 19 Jeff. I didn't know what to do. She was only 19 too, we couldn't look after a kid, but we didn't even get a chance. I loved her with all my heart, and I loved our little girl too, but I couldn't look after them. I couldn't reach them; it was too hot and suffocating. I tried, I really tried." Jeff knew this speech well; he'd heard it every time the fire came up. Matt always got stuck inside his own head, remembering his little girl, Ava May, and his fiancé and the fire that killed them both. Jeff stepped forward and embraced his brother.
"I didn't mean that Matty, you didn't make any mistakes. You were a great Dad."
"Just not good enough."
"Good enough." Matt returned his brothers embrace and felt the fear slip away in his safe arms.
"Could I borrow your phone?" Jeff asked when they released each other.
"Sure, who do you want to call?"
"Chloe." Matt found the number on his phone and handed it to Jeff.
"It's already ringing." Jeff nodded and held the phone to his ear.
"Matt are you ok? Is they day out ok?" Chloe answered the phone worriedly.
"Hi Mom." Jeff spoke the two simple words.
"You know?" Her voice portrayed her shock.
"Adam let it slip."
"I wanted to tell you Jeff, I really did."
"I just wish you had. Maybe then I would've had something more to get better for."
"You're not better yet Jeff. Finish it for the sprog."
"I promise."
July 5th 2001, the due date.
"Well done Jeff, you've done it. You've adapted perfectly, and really impressed us all. You've got a job, you live just like you used to, so get the hell outta my hospital!" Doctor James joked as he and Jeff said goodbye, hopefully for the last official time.
"Yup, now I just gotta get the sprog born."
"Phone me when you do."
"Yup, I'm gonna phone the world."
"You got time off work then?"
"Yeah, they've got a replacement events co-ordinator."
"Boy, are you proud of that label!" Daniel laughed.
"Hey, I have the power to get Matt sacked, why wouldn't I be loving it." The two men hugged before Liger led his owner out of the hospital and into the waiting taxi. "Home, here I come and I'm on my own." Jeff said to himself in celebration as they pulled out of the car park. "I'm back in the game!"
July 11th 2001
"Jeff, it hurts, it.argh."
"Push hon, and we'll finally get this baby out." Chloe grimaced at her boyfriend as she pushed her hardest. Jeff held her hand and smiled, aware that she was pulling a face at him, but also aware of the baby, on it's way into the world.
"One more push." The midwife interrupted his thoughts and Chloe's grip on his hand tightened and then went limp as a high-pitched scream erupted from the room.
"Be quiet Matt, I wanna hear the baby!" Jeff laughed as his brother walked over and punched him.
"Oi, behave yourselves you two, there's a baby in the room."
"Congratulations, you have a new little daughter." The midwife said as she handed Jeff and bundle of blankets.
"Sure there's one in here?" He laughed as he gently felt in between the blankets and counted the fingers and toes, before kissing his daughter on the forehead and handing her to Chloe. "Welcome to the world Mollie Ava Hardy."