Matt stood next to his brother, unsure who to give his attention to, the
beautiful new baby, the doting mother, or his brother. Matt had always
known that this day would be hard for Jeff, everyday was hard for Jeff, but
this one was especially so. Matt watched his brother's face, seeing the war
going on inside his head. Knowing that Jeff was battling to keep control
over himself, and also knowing that Jeff was probably going to lose either
way. He saw, as his brother's body began to stiffen, the tension seeping
through his body, he saw as one part of Jeff's character scored victory
over another and Jeff looked around wildly for some escape, but his
desperate act was in vain, no matter how much Jeff wanted to escape, he
couldn't see to find his own way out of the unknown territory.
"Matt?" Jeff said quietly, his voice full of tension and fear.
"Jeffro?" Matt questioned back, he had a suspicion of what was coming next, but didn't want it to.
"I need to get out of here." Matt let his head drop as Chloe pulled herself away from her newborn child and looked up at it's father.
"Jeff, please." She started.
"No." Jeff cut her off. "Please don't ask me, I can't cope right now Chloe, I'm so sorry."
Matt gently took his brother's arm and led him out of the room, gently shutting the door behind them to block out Chloe's sobs.
"Jeff."
"Just don't Matt, I've tried, I really have but I can't do it, there's too much I've lost. I just wanna go home." Matt swallowed everything he wanted to shout at his baby brother and led him out of the hospital and into Matt's car. They travelled home in complete silence, except for the occasional sob, which Jeff failed to suffocate. Matt absent minded-ly rubbed his brother's shoulder without taking his eyes off the road. Eventually they arrived at Jeff's house. Matt helped Jeff into the house, but once inside let go of his arm.
"Matt, go back to Chloe."
"Jeff."
"Just do it, I'm sure. I want her to be happy, and I ruined that, the least I can do is make sure she's not alone."
"What about you, you shouldn't be alone either?"
"I'll be fine."
"I'm phoning Shannon." Jeff shrugged and Matt pulled his cell out, his friend quickly agreed once Matt had filled him in on the situation and Matt rushed back to the hospital.
Jeff walked across the room and turned the CD player on, he felt down the pile of cd's on top of the player until he found the broken case. He opened it up and took the cd out. Placing it in the player he turned the volume up and started the song. The album was Lynryd Skynryd, the song, Free Bird. He let the music wash over him, filling his mind and heart, not washing away his grief, but coating it, pushing it into the darker corners of his mind. He heard Shannon walk into the house, but didn't react. He stayed seated, letting the music consume him, and allowing himself a moment of the past. He remembered doing this when things had got bad before, but he'd done it when things went well too. He focused on those thoughts, the time when he'd first met Chloe; the time he'd first told her he loved her. The look in her eyes; the look he was able to see. It was a look that, although he'd never seen before, he knew the meaning of, for he could feel it in his own eyes. It was the look of love, unquestioning, faithful and true, a look he would never see again, neither in the eyes of Chloe, or their daughter. If their daughter was going to get married, she would have to lead her father down the isle, because he couldn't see to lead himself. He wouldn't see her in her prom dress, or in a sports team. He couldn't even imagine it, because his daughter was something he had never seen before, and never would see, ever.
"I'll never see her Shan, I'll never see my little girl once, in her or my own entire life. I won't even know what I would see if I looked at her, because I have no memory of her to take the image from. My Mollie will grow up with a father who tells her she's beautiful and she'll know that I have no idea, I'm just saying it because she's my daughter."
"Any father doesn't really know, all fathers say it because she's their daughter."
"But she'll know."
"Jeff you can tell her that she's beautiful and it will be true, because I know that you see further into people than just skin depth. You can really see whether a person is pure and true, and that's what real beauty is. And your little girl is the child of two of the most beautiful people I could ever meet." Shannon's answer satisfied Jeff for a while and he sat in silence again as Shannon banged around in the kitchen. He returned and handed Jeff a coffee. "Drink up Jeff, coz then we're going back to the hospital."
"No."
"Why not Jeff? You know you want to, and I don't believe you when you say you can't cope. You are strong and determined, you can do anything you want to, and you can cope with the world and everything it throws at you."
"But not a baby."
"What is there you can't do?"
"I can't carry her safely, you know how often I trip and fall, if I did that while I was carrying her!"
"You don't trip and fall anymore than your average person. Take Shane for example he's the clumsiest schmuck you'll ever meet. You know that you would take so much care while you carried her. Please Jeff, just come with me to the hospital."
"I just can't Shan, I wish I could, I wish I could even just explain why I can't but I can't. There's a feeling in my heart telling me its wrong and a hundred reasons in my mind backing it up."
"You're being selfish Jeff."
"Maybe." Jeff's answer surprised Shannon. Normally Jeff hated being called selfish, he wasn't a naturally selfish person and also tried his hardest not to be. Calling him selfish usually ended in an argument, but this time he accepted it. He knew he was being selfish, but he also knew that there was something deeper stopping him. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on, the feeling was there and he had to trust it, but the true reason was lost somewhere in the complicated mess of his mind.
Jeff's soul-searching was interrupted by the phone ringing; Shannon answered it for him. "Oh, hey Gil." Shannon spoke into the phone, obviously addressing Jeff's father. "You wanna talk to him." Shannon handed the phone to Jeff, who took a deep breath before placing the phone to his ear.
"Hey Pop."
"You know where Matt is?"
"He's at the hospital."
"What? Is he ok?"
"He'd fine. Chloe had the baby."
"Why didn't you call me?"
"I haven't called anyone."
"Why not? Is the baby ok?"
"She's fine, they're both fine, a perfect little baby girl."
"Why aren't you at the hospital then? Oh no!"
"Oh no what?" Jeff asked tiredly.
"You've walked out on them haven't you?"
"No, well sort of."
"Why Jeffy? You were doing so well."
"Its so hard Pop." Jeff dissolved into tears. "I want so much to be there for them, but they deserve so much more than I can give them."
"Oh Jeffy, you can give them so much more than you think. You're so special, they deserve you and everything you can give them, don't ever say you can't give them what they deserve, because if they don't have you then they have nothing, and they deserve so much more than that."
"I'll never see her Pop. Not once."
"Medicine is improving all the time Jeffy, they might be able to do something for you."
"They can't, they won't be able to."
"You need to believe and pray Jeffy, you have to have hope."
"There is no hope."
"I don't believe that Jeffrey, don't you dare say that to me. I've never lost hope with either of you boys, and I've always been proved right, don't you tell me that there is no hope, because I don't want to lose you, but if you don't believe then you'll go back to how you were after the accident and you were no son of mine then." Gilbert Hardy hung up on his son, leaving him to think about his father's words. Jeff slowly lowered the phone from his ear and lay back into the chair. He closed his unseeing eyes and sighed.
"Jeff, please just come to the hospital. Come and see your little girl." Shannon spoke gently.
"I can't f*cking see my little girl. That's the f*cking problem." Jeff shouted at his friend before storming out of the room and into the yard. He climbed up onto his trampoline and just lay on it with his eyes closed, until he eventually fell into a fitful sleep. He dreamt that he could see again, but however much he turned and searched he couldn't find his daughter. He called out her name, and her laughter came in return, but he couldn't find her. All of a sudden he was at her wedding day, walking down the aisle with his daughter on his arm, yet no matter how hard he tried he couldn't turn his head to look at her. Eventually they made it to the front of the church and his daughter went to kiss him, he looked at her face; it was a grotesque, semi-human, semi-monster face, with bewitching red eyes. Jeff woke with a start and lay panting and sweating on the trampoline.
"I hate you," He shouted, the remark aimed at his creator. "I hate what you did to me, I hate what you took from me, I hate you for not killing me. Just let me die, let it all go away." Jeff curled his legs up and hugged them as he cried, only occasionally letting go of his legs to punch something invisible in front of him.
Matt stood with Shannon, in Jeff's kitchen watching a listening to Jeff on the trampoline. "Shouldn't you go to him?" Shannon asked Matt. He shook his head.
"I couldn't do anything for him. He'd just hit me, and then feel even worse tomorrow. He's got to figure this one out himself."
"Surely there's something we can do to make it easier for him!"
"I wish there was, but short of a lifetimes and more of medical research, we're at a loss." Matt turned away from the window, in an attempt to block out his brother's pain.
"How's Chloe holding up?"
"She was asleep when I left. Everything has just drained her; she's physically and emotionally shattered. It couldn't have been a worse time for her really, but it was the only time it was gonna happen. I just hope that Jeff figures it out quickly."
"Are you going back to her?"
"Not yet, I'm gonna try and sleep for a bit first."
"Here, or at yours."
"Here, I don't really wanna get into an argument with Dad at the mo."
"Jeff already has. He phoned."
"Geez." Matt fell backwards onto the sofa and kicked off his shoes. "You can head home if you want. I'll keep an eye on Jeff."
"You just sleep. I'll do what I can for Jeff." Matt nodded tiredly and mumbled "thanks". He shut his eyes and waited for sleep to engulf him.
Shannon made his way back to the window and watched Jeff as his cries began to gently turn to sobs, and his body began to relax a little. "Sleep tight Jeff. Don't have Nightmares." Shannon whispered to Jeff, before sitting at the table and turning the TV on.
Matt woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. Still half asleep he picked up the phone. "Hi."
"Matt?"
"Chloe, why do you sound so surprised?"
"I thought you would be at your house."
"I thought I was! Sorry I just woke up. How are ya feeling?"
"Nearly Alive."
"I'm guessing you were hoping to talk to Jeff?"
"Do you think he would talk to me?"
I'll ask him, hang on a minute." Matt lowered the phone from his ear and wandered into the kitchen. Shannon was asleep, lying on the table, but there was no sign of Jeff. He wandered out into the yard, but Jeff wasn't on the trampoline anymore either. Footprints led away from the trampoline and down towards the creek. "Chloe?"
"Yep."
"He's gone down to the creek. I'll see if I can get him to come in with me a bit later ok?"
"Sure, and Matt?"
"Yep."
"Thank you."
"What for?"
"Everything, being more reliable than the little one." Chloe used her and Matt's nickname for Jeff.
"He'll come round hon, this isn't the normal Jeff, he's just lost at the moment." Matt reassured Chloe, wishing he could believe what he said, and give her more than just empty promises.
"I hope so." Chloe whispered quietly before hanging up. Matt stood listening to the dial tone for a minute, letting Chloe's words sink in, before throwing the phone onto the trampoline and heading down to the creek to find Jeff.
He found Jeff sitting on a log. His face was tear stained and red and his eyes were sunken with lack of sleep. "Talk to me Jeff. Talk to me like you used to." Matt spoke gently as he climbed up next to his brother.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Why not?"
"You just wouldn't understand what it's like to know that you'll never see your little girl grow up." Jeff sniffed.
"I know what it feels like to know that your little girl will never grow up." Matt's voice was quiet and serious as he gently reminded his brother that he did know. "I know I was a wreck after, but Jeff I lost my little girl, you haven't lost yours, you've given her up out of choice. I'm sure you'll probably say something like 'I near enough have lost her'. But you're nowhere near Jeff. You have a healthy daughter, who if you don't get your act together is going to grow up without a Dad; she'll lose more than you already have. And I know it's going to be hard Jeff, I've been there; a kid is always hard, maybe it is especially hard for you, but if you don't go back now then soon it will be too late and you'll have lost everything, like I did. At least I know I tried Jeff, you haven't." Matt slowly got to his feet. "I'm going to the hospital in half an hour, it's up to you if you come." He looked at his brother, but Jeff hadn't moved since he arrived. Matt carefully made his way back up to the house and began to cook breakfast.
Half an hour later and he was still sat at the table with Shannon. "I thought you were going man." Shannon broke the silence.
"I thought I'd figured a way to get through to him, but I'm not even sure he was listening."
"At least you tried."
"I just wish he would. He hasn't even attempted to cope, he's just so determined that he can't and won't."
"He'll come round. He always does."
"I wish I was so sure."
"What do you mean?"
"Jeff's changed. I know you've seen it to. He just isn't the same person anymore. I'm not even sure he's my brother half the time. I can barely see the old Jeff in him, even before this when he was apparently better; he was sarcastic all the time. He's like a bitter and twisted old man. I know he's been through a lot, but there's only so much we can forgive him for and he's standing right on that line. I can't believe that Chloe is ready to forgive him so easily."
"He's not the same, but he's similar. Maybe the rest of us didn't know him as well as you, but he's close enough for us. He's like Jeff, but more human. More susceptible to moods and stuff."
"If it was just that then I'd be ok with it, but it isn't. It's the way he treats people, especially Dad. It's like he wishes he wasn't alive and blames dad because he is."
"He doesn't want to be alive really. He can't think of anything to live for."
"Not even his daughter."
"I'm not a mind reader, but the way I understand it, all Jeff can see is pain and his daughter is part of that. When he thinks of his daughter all that comes to mind is the things he'll miss."
"All he wants to think of is the things he'll miss, he's just scared and won't admit it."
"What can we do then?"
"Let him rot." Matt's voice was edged with an anger so fierce that it scared Shannon. Matt was normally laid back and calm, but everyone knew he had a temper on him, it was just most people didn't ever get to see it. It took so much to wind Matt up that he hardly ever lost it. Shannon had only seen him lose his temper once before, and that was with Jeff when they were younger. Matt stormed out of the room and got into his car. He sped off down the road and to Chloe.
"Matt!" Chloe called out in happiness, impatiently looking behind Matt, to try to see his brother. "Where's Jeff?"
"He wouldn't come, he wouldn't even listen to me. I don't know what's happened to him. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologise for him, it's not your fault."
"It's not fair for you though."
"Life hardly ever is." Matt lifted his head as Chloe spoke and looked at her for the first time since he entered into the room. She was sat up in her hospital bed, cradling her daughter. "Come over." She whispered. Matt walked over to the bed and sat next to her on it. His arm round both of the girls. They sat like that for a long time, just looking at the baby as she slept.
"Ah, so the Dad has finally arrived then." A nurse spoke up as she entered the room. Matt went to correct her but Chloe stopped him, with a kiss.
"Let her believe, let them all believe." She whispered, her face close to his.
"I just came to tell you that you're both being released when you're ready." The nurse smiled at them and left the room.
"Hear that Mollie, you're going home!" "I'll go sort everything out shall I?"
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know, I'll ask Jeff, but it looks like my place." Chloe nodded as Matt kissed the top of her head and left.
"Jeffro?" Matt shouted as he entered the house.
"Still at the creek!" Shannon replied as he walked into the room. "Didn't expect you to be back so soon."
"Chloe and the baby are being released."
"Where to?"
"That's what I'm here to find out."
"Good luck." Matt shrugged at Shannon's comment and headed to the creek. He found Jeff sitting at the edge, dipping his feet in the cool water.
"Jeffro?" Matt asked gently.
"Come to have a go again?" Jeff asked in a sulky voice.
"No, I've come to find out if you're willing to accept your role yet. The Baby and Chloe are allowed home. Where are they going? Here, or do I have to clear up your mess again and play Dad?"
"That's all you ever do isn't it Matt? Clear up my messes. Hey why don't you just throw me out of this one? You've always wanted Chloe, and now she's got a daughter to go with her. Just how you've always dreamed it would be. Take them Matty, I'm so obviously unable to cope you would just be helping me out!"
"Fine, my place it is then!"
"Just do me a favour though." Jeff's voice was quieter and more regretful.
"Anything."
"Tell Chloe that I love her and I'm sorry."
"I can't Jeffy. You are the only person who can tell her that. Please just come with me. You don't have to stay. You don't even have to hold the baby, just tell her yourself."
"I don't have to stay."
"I'll go and get her. You just get Shannon to take you to mine in about half an hour."
"Ok." Jeff's voice was relieved but still regretful.
"Promise?"
"I swear." Matt nodded at his brother and slowly began to make his way back up to the house. Once inside he began to carry the baby things down and load them into the back of the car. He was just trying to pack the last few things in when Shannon appeared at the door.
"No luck then?" Shannon already knew the answer.
Matt shrugged. "He said he would come up to my place later. To talk to Chloe, so long as he doesn't have to stay or hold the baby."
"He said that?"
"No, I did, but it was what made him agree." Shannon nodded. "Will you bring him, in half an hour I think? Please just make sure he keeps his promise. Make sure he comes."
"I'll try my best." Matt nodded satisfied with the answer and got into his car. He looked back at the house, and down towards the creek, with regret in his eyes; and then drove of to the hospital.
As he arrived at he hospital Matt wondered how to break the news to Chloe. Things were hard for her at the moment, and Matt only ever seemed to bring her bad news. Now he had to tell her that Jeff had rejected them again, and explain about Jeff coming over. He could just not say anything and let it be a surprise, but deep down he knew he had to explain it to her beforehand; it would be unfair to let her think that Jeff was coming to take her back. Matt walked slowly along the hospital corridor, the baby carry seat in his hand. He stopped outside the door to Chloe's room and took a deep breath. "Damn I hate hospitals." He whispered to himself before entering the room.
"Where?" Chloe asked gently. She knew which answer to expect, but just had to hear it said.
"I'm sorry, I know it's not what you want, but it's all I can offer you."
"Thanks Matty, I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Jeff." Matt paused, unsure of how to continue. "He said he would come over to mine later. He said he wants to talk to you, but he's not staying, I. don't think he wants to see the baby." Matt tried to say it how he wanted it to be said, but couldn't find the right words.
"He'll see me, but not our baby?" Chloe spoke out loud, trying to get things sorted in her brain.
"The baby just reminds him of everything he'll miss. He doesn't realise that he'll miss more this way."
"It's a step in the right direction." Chloe tried to look on the positive side.
"He's starting his way back Clo, I promise, it's just gonna be a long road."
"Let's get home. I need to start telling people about this baby of mine." Chloe smiled weakly and stood up. Gently she lifted the tiny baby and placed her in the carry seat. Matt gently strapped the little girl in and picked it up. Slinging Chloe's bag over his other shoulder, he gently carried the baby out of the room and down towards the nurse's station. They said goodbye and thank you, getting some weird looks from a few of the nurse's, obviously confused as to which brother was the father. They heard whispers as they walked away. "That's not the father. The Dad was the blind one, the one with multicoloured hair."
"He hasn't been back since." They ignored the comments and carried on walking.
"Hello?"
"Amy?"
"Chloe! I haven't heard from you in ages. How are you? How's the bump?"
"It's now a little girl."
"When?"
"Yesterday."
"I'm gonna kill Jeff, he promised he would phone me first."
"You can kill him for me too then."
"Oh no, he hasn't."
"I'm at Matt's."
"Oh hon, I'm so sorry."
"We'll survive, we always do."
"But right after the baby!"
"I'm ok. I must go now. There are so many people to call."
"Ok, take care."
"I will bye."
"Wait, you didn't tell me what it's called."
"Mollie, Mollie Ava Hardy."
By the time that Chloe had phoned the first ten people she was almost falling asleep. "Geez, they didn't teach you how to do this in antenatal classes. It's almost harder than giving birth." She complained.
"Want me to do the next ten?" Matt asked picking up the list. The next ten were mostly Jeff and Chloe's joint friends. People that Matt was friends with too.
"Go for it, but be prepared they have way too many questions."
Matt was just talking to Adam Copeland when someone knocked on the door. "What was that?" Adam asked.
"Someone at the door." Matt got up and took the phone with him to the door. "Speak of the devil."
"Jeff?" Adam asked.
"Yup, decided to join the party." Matt guided Jeff in and around the baby things strewn all over the floor. "Careful," he warned. "The floor's covered in baby stuff." Jeff nodded and carefully walked over to the sofa and sat down. Matt quickly finished his conversation and hung the phone up.
"Is Chloe around?" Jeff asked, it was obvious that he was feeling uncomfy.
"She's upstairs, I'll just go and get her." Matt left the room, leaving Shannon and Jeff alone.
"I'm gonna go in the other room." Shannon told Jeff, wanting to give Jeff and Chloe some privacy to sort out their problems. Jeff nodded and waited. He heard Chloe's footsteps coming down the stairs and felt her presence standing by the doorway.
"I just wish I could see you now Chloe, I wanna know everything, I wish I could see how you look, see why I fell in love with you."
"Jeff, our love is about more than just looks, we love every part of each other, everything inside and out."
"I know, I didn't mean it to sound like that, it's just. If I could see you then everything would be all right. I'd be able to see everything, I wouldn't feel so lost and alone, and I could be how I used to be. I want to be carefree and happy again Chloe. I want to do spontaneous things and dangerous things. I want to do all the things that I've wanted to do and more. I wanna travel to all those little places away from the rest of the world. I wanna write a book, make an album with my band. I want little things, like to be able to ride my bike again and choose my own clothes. I wanna see another rainbow and watch another sunset. I wanna look down at the ground and see my feet. Hell I wanna be able to check I'm not wearing odd socks or my t shirt backwards. I want to look into your eyes again and tell you that I love you."
"You want to be young and free again." Chloe attempted to sum up and understand what Jeff was telling her.
"Yes, no, I don't know what I want. I don't want to have to choose, I wanna go with the flow."
"You don't want responsibilities to tie you down."
"I don't want to tie you down, I don't want to be another responsibility for you to look after. I just want to fly away from here, but I can't because I'm blind."
"You don't want our daughter though." Chloe spoke with some regret.
"I want her more than anything, but not like this. I thought I could cope, I thought I'd come to terms with things but I haven't. Matt was right. I'm too young and immature, maybe if I could see then I wouldn't feel like this, but maybe it's always been like this and I've never really understood myself."
"Jeff, you don't need to explain yourself to me. I understand."
"You knew this would happen?"
"No one knew, but we could have a good idea. I thought you might react like you did, I thought you might not accept it. Both was unlucky but it happened, and as much as I love you I can't hold onto you."
"I don't want to leave you." Jeff was worried, he hadn't come to split up with Chloe, he was just trying to explain to her what was going on in his mind.
"You're not leaving me, we're just taking time out. We're waiting for fate to lend us a hand and change things for us. It may be months, it may be years, but we'll cope separately until then. We're meant to be together Jeff, just maybe not yet."
"God, I love you so much Chloe." Jeff walked over to Chloe and kissed her. He held her tight and breathed in her scent. They stayed like that until they heard Mollie begin to cry.
"I'll get her Matt." Chloe called out.
"Chloe," Jeff held her hand as she turned away from him. "Stay with Matt. He'll know what to do, he'll make a great Dad."
"So would you." Chloe whispered. "Come and say goodbye to Mollie."
"I'll still be around."
"But not as her Dad."
"As her Uncle."
"Come and be Dad for the last time then." Jeff followed Chloe upstairs and into the spare room. She led him up to a cot and then leant down to pick the baby up. She handed the crying bundle to Jeff who stood there, unsure of what to do. Slowly he moved the baby into a comfier position and began to rock gently for side to side as he softly sang. Alone.listless.breakfast table in an otherwise empty room. Young girl.violins.centre of her own attention Mother reads aloud child.tries to understand it,.. Tries To make her proud,.. The shades go down,.. It's in her head Painted room...can't deny there's something wrong.
Don't call me daughter. Not fit to. The picture kept will remind me. Don't call me daughter. Not fit to. The picture kept will remind me. Don't call me.
The baby in his arms stopped crying and he handed it back to it's mother. "Bye bye my Baby." He walked out of the room and passed Matt and Shannon, standing outside the room. "Can I have a lift home please?"
"Jeff, please don't do this." Matt pleaded with his brother.
"No Matt, it's not my turn. I can't take the go when it isn't my move. You should be the one with a kid, I can't take the responsibility, I don't deserve it. Please just take this and promise me that you will love her as your own and keep her as your own."
"Jeff." Matt cried.
"No Matt." Jeff cut off his brother, as the tears crept down his face as well. "If you ever do anything for me again in my life, do this. Be her Dad, bring her up properly, and let her see her uncle once in a while." Matt nodded gently and then hugged his brother.
"I can't believe that you're doing this."
"Believe it, Dad." Jeff walked away from his brother and out of the house.
"Matt?" Jeff said quietly, his voice full of tension and fear.
"Jeffro?" Matt questioned back, he had a suspicion of what was coming next, but didn't want it to.
"I need to get out of here." Matt let his head drop as Chloe pulled herself away from her newborn child and looked up at it's father.
"Jeff, please." She started.
"No." Jeff cut her off. "Please don't ask me, I can't cope right now Chloe, I'm so sorry."
Matt gently took his brother's arm and led him out of the room, gently shutting the door behind them to block out Chloe's sobs.
"Jeff."
"Just don't Matt, I've tried, I really have but I can't do it, there's too much I've lost. I just wanna go home." Matt swallowed everything he wanted to shout at his baby brother and led him out of the hospital and into Matt's car. They travelled home in complete silence, except for the occasional sob, which Jeff failed to suffocate. Matt absent minded-ly rubbed his brother's shoulder without taking his eyes off the road. Eventually they arrived at Jeff's house. Matt helped Jeff into the house, but once inside let go of his arm.
"Matt, go back to Chloe."
"Jeff."
"Just do it, I'm sure. I want her to be happy, and I ruined that, the least I can do is make sure she's not alone."
"What about you, you shouldn't be alone either?"
"I'll be fine."
"I'm phoning Shannon." Jeff shrugged and Matt pulled his cell out, his friend quickly agreed once Matt had filled him in on the situation and Matt rushed back to the hospital.
Jeff walked across the room and turned the CD player on, he felt down the pile of cd's on top of the player until he found the broken case. He opened it up and took the cd out. Placing it in the player he turned the volume up and started the song. The album was Lynryd Skynryd, the song, Free Bird. He let the music wash over him, filling his mind and heart, not washing away his grief, but coating it, pushing it into the darker corners of his mind. He heard Shannon walk into the house, but didn't react. He stayed seated, letting the music consume him, and allowing himself a moment of the past. He remembered doing this when things had got bad before, but he'd done it when things went well too. He focused on those thoughts, the time when he'd first met Chloe; the time he'd first told her he loved her. The look in her eyes; the look he was able to see. It was a look that, although he'd never seen before, he knew the meaning of, for he could feel it in his own eyes. It was the look of love, unquestioning, faithful and true, a look he would never see again, neither in the eyes of Chloe, or their daughter. If their daughter was going to get married, she would have to lead her father down the isle, because he couldn't see to lead himself. He wouldn't see her in her prom dress, or in a sports team. He couldn't even imagine it, because his daughter was something he had never seen before, and never would see, ever.
"I'll never see her Shan, I'll never see my little girl once, in her or my own entire life. I won't even know what I would see if I looked at her, because I have no memory of her to take the image from. My Mollie will grow up with a father who tells her she's beautiful and she'll know that I have no idea, I'm just saying it because she's my daughter."
"Any father doesn't really know, all fathers say it because she's their daughter."
"But she'll know."
"Jeff you can tell her that she's beautiful and it will be true, because I know that you see further into people than just skin depth. You can really see whether a person is pure and true, and that's what real beauty is. And your little girl is the child of two of the most beautiful people I could ever meet." Shannon's answer satisfied Jeff for a while and he sat in silence again as Shannon banged around in the kitchen. He returned and handed Jeff a coffee. "Drink up Jeff, coz then we're going back to the hospital."
"No."
"Why not Jeff? You know you want to, and I don't believe you when you say you can't cope. You are strong and determined, you can do anything you want to, and you can cope with the world and everything it throws at you."
"But not a baby."
"What is there you can't do?"
"I can't carry her safely, you know how often I trip and fall, if I did that while I was carrying her!"
"You don't trip and fall anymore than your average person. Take Shane for example he's the clumsiest schmuck you'll ever meet. You know that you would take so much care while you carried her. Please Jeff, just come with me to the hospital."
"I just can't Shan, I wish I could, I wish I could even just explain why I can't but I can't. There's a feeling in my heart telling me its wrong and a hundred reasons in my mind backing it up."
"You're being selfish Jeff."
"Maybe." Jeff's answer surprised Shannon. Normally Jeff hated being called selfish, he wasn't a naturally selfish person and also tried his hardest not to be. Calling him selfish usually ended in an argument, but this time he accepted it. He knew he was being selfish, but he also knew that there was something deeper stopping him. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on, the feeling was there and he had to trust it, but the true reason was lost somewhere in the complicated mess of his mind.
Jeff's soul-searching was interrupted by the phone ringing; Shannon answered it for him. "Oh, hey Gil." Shannon spoke into the phone, obviously addressing Jeff's father. "You wanna talk to him." Shannon handed the phone to Jeff, who took a deep breath before placing the phone to his ear.
"Hey Pop."
"You know where Matt is?"
"He's at the hospital."
"What? Is he ok?"
"He'd fine. Chloe had the baby."
"Why didn't you call me?"
"I haven't called anyone."
"Why not? Is the baby ok?"
"She's fine, they're both fine, a perfect little baby girl."
"Why aren't you at the hospital then? Oh no!"
"Oh no what?" Jeff asked tiredly.
"You've walked out on them haven't you?"
"No, well sort of."
"Why Jeffy? You were doing so well."
"Its so hard Pop." Jeff dissolved into tears. "I want so much to be there for them, but they deserve so much more than I can give them."
"Oh Jeffy, you can give them so much more than you think. You're so special, they deserve you and everything you can give them, don't ever say you can't give them what they deserve, because if they don't have you then they have nothing, and they deserve so much more than that."
"I'll never see her Pop. Not once."
"Medicine is improving all the time Jeffy, they might be able to do something for you."
"They can't, they won't be able to."
"You need to believe and pray Jeffy, you have to have hope."
"There is no hope."
"I don't believe that Jeffrey, don't you dare say that to me. I've never lost hope with either of you boys, and I've always been proved right, don't you tell me that there is no hope, because I don't want to lose you, but if you don't believe then you'll go back to how you were after the accident and you were no son of mine then." Gilbert Hardy hung up on his son, leaving him to think about his father's words. Jeff slowly lowered the phone from his ear and lay back into the chair. He closed his unseeing eyes and sighed.
"Jeff, please just come to the hospital. Come and see your little girl." Shannon spoke gently.
"I can't f*cking see my little girl. That's the f*cking problem." Jeff shouted at his friend before storming out of the room and into the yard. He climbed up onto his trampoline and just lay on it with his eyes closed, until he eventually fell into a fitful sleep. He dreamt that he could see again, but however much he turned and searched he couldn't find his daughter. He called out her name, and her laughter came in return, but he couldn't find her. All of a sudden he was at her wedding day, walking down the aisle with his daughter on his arm, yet no matter how hard he tried he couldn't turn his head to look at her. Eventually they made it to the front of the church and his daughter went to kiss him, he looked at her face; it was a grotesque, semi-human, semi-monster face, with bewitching red eyes. Jeff woke with a start and lay panting and sweating on the trampoline.
"I hate you," He shouted, the remark aimed at his creator. "I hate what you did to me, I hate what you took from me, I hate you for not killing me. Just let me die, let it all go away." Jeff curled his legs up and hugged them as he cried, only occasionally letting go of his legs to punch something invisible in front of him.
Matt stood with Shannon, in Jeff's kitchen watching a listening to Jeff on the trampoline. "Shouldn't you go to him?" Shannon asked Matt. He shook his head.
"I couldn't do anything for him. He'd just hit me, and then feel even worse tomorrow. He's got to figure this one out himself."
"Surely there's something we can do to make it easier for him!"
"I wish there was, but short of a lifetimes and more of medical research, we're at a loss." Matt turned away from the window, in an attempt to block out his brother's pain.
"How's Chloe holding up?"
"She was asleep when I left. Everything has just drained her; she's physically and emotionally shattered. It couldn't have been a worse time for her really, but it was the only time it was gonna happen. I just hope that Jeff figures it out quickly."
"Are you going back to her?"
"Not yet, I'm gonna try and sleep for a bit first."
"Here, or at yours."
"Here, I don't really wanna get into an argument with Dad at the mo."
"Jeff already has. He phoned."
"Geez." Matt fell backwards onto the sofa and kicked off his shoes. "You can head home if you want. I'll keep an eye on Jeff."
"You just sleep. I'll do what I can for Jeff." Matt nodded tiredly and mumbled "thanks". He shut his eyes and waited for sleep to engulf him.
Shannon made his way back to the window and watched Jeff as his cries began to gently turn to sobs, and his body began to relax a little. "Sleep tight Jeff. Don't have Nightmares." Shannon whispered to Jeff, before sitting at the table and turning the TV on.
Matt woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. Still half asleep he picked up the phone. "Hi."
"Matt?"
"Chloe, why do you sound so surprised?"
"I thought you would be at your house."
"I thought I was! Sorry I just woke up. How are ya feeling?"
"Nearly Alive."
"I'm guessing you were hoping to talk to Jeff?"
"Do you think he would talk to me?"
I'll ask him, hang on a minute." Matt lowered the phone from his ear and wandered into the kitchen. Shannon was asleep, lying on the table, but there was no sign of Jeff. He wandered out into the yard, but Jeff wasn't on the trampoline anymore either. Footprints led away from the trampoline and down towards the creek. "Chloe?"
"Yep."
"He's gone down to the creek. I'll see if I can get him to come in with me a bit later ok?"
"Sure, and Matt?"
"Yep."
"Thank you."
"What for?"
"Everything, being more reliable than the little one." Chloe used her and Matt's nickname for Jeff.
"He'll come round hon, this isn't the normal Jeff, he's just lost at the moment." Matt reassured Chloe, wishing he could believe what he said, and give her more than just empty promises.
"I hope so." Chloe whispered quietly before hanging up. Matt stood listening to the dial tone for a minute, letting Chloe's words sink in, before throwing the phone onto the trampoline and heading down to the creek to find Jeff.
He found Jeff sitting on a log. His face was tear stained and red and his eyes were sunken with lack of sleep. "Talk to me Jeff. Talk to me like you used to." Matt spoke gently as he climbed up next to his brother.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Why not?"
"You just wouldn't understand what it's like to know that you'll never see your little girl grow up." Jeff sniffed.
"I know what it feels like to know that your little girl will never grow up." Matt's voice was quiet and serious as he gently reminded his brother that he did know. "I know I was a wreck after, but Jeff I lost my little girl, you haven't lost yours, you've given her up out of choice. I'm sure you'll probably say something like 'I near enough have lost her'. But you're nowhere near Jeff. You have a healthy daughter, who if you don't get your act together is going to grow up without a Dad; she'll lose more than you already have. And I know it's going to be hard Jeff, I've been there; a kid is always hard, maybe it is especially hard for you, but if you don't go back now then soon it will be too late and you'll have lost everything, like I did. At least I know I tried Jeff, you haven't." Matt slowly got to his feet. "I'm going to the hospital in half an hour, it's up to you if you come." He looked at his brother, but Jeff hadn't moved since he arrived. Matt carefully made his way back up to the house and began to cook breakfast.
Half an hour later and he was still sat at the table with Shannon. "I thought you were going man." Shannon broke the silence.
"I thought I'd figured a way to get through to him, but I'm not even sure he was listening."
"At least you tried."
"I just wish he would. He hasn't even attempted to cope, he's just so determined that he can't and won't."
"He'll come round. He always does."
"I wish I was so sure."
"What do you mean?"
"Jeff's changed. I know you've seen it to. He just isn't the same person anymore. I'm not even sure he's my brother half the time. I can barely see the old Jeff in him, even before this when he was apparently better; he was sarcastic all the time. He's like a bitter and twisted old man. I know he's been through a lot, but there's only so much we can forgive him for and he's standing right on that line. I can't believe that Chloe is ready to forgive him so easily."
"He's not the same, but he's similar. Maybe the rest of us didn't know him as well as you, but he's close enough for us. He's like Jeff, but more human. More susceptible to moods and stuff."
"If it was just that then I'd be ok with it, but it isn't. It's the way he treats people, especially Dad. It's like he wishes he wasn't alive and blames dad because he is."
"He doesn't want to be alive really. He can't think of anything to live for."
"Not even his daughter."
"I'm not a mind reader, but the way I understand it, all Jeff can see is pain and his daughter is part of that. When he thinks of his daughter all that comes to mind is the things he'll miss."
"All he wants to think of is the things he'll miss, he's just scared and won't admit it."
"What can we do then?"
"Let him rot." Matt's voice was edged with an anger so fierce that it scared Shannon. Matt was normally laid back and calm, but everyone knew he had a temper on him, it was just most people didn't ever get to see it. It took so much to wind Matt up that he hardly ever lost it. Shannon had only seen him lose his temper once before, and that was with Jeff when they were younger. Matt stormed out of the room and got into his car. He sped off down the road and to Chloe.
"Matt!" Chloe called out in happiness, impatiently looking behind Matt, to try to see his brother. "Where's Jeff?"
"He wouldn't come, he wouldn't even listen to me. I don't know what's happened to him. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologise for him, it's not your fault."
"It's not fair for you though."
"Life hardly ever is." Matt lifted his head as Chloe spoke and looked at her for the first time since he entered into the room. She was sat up in her hospital bed, cradling her daughter. "Come over." She whispered. Matt walked over to the bed and sat next to her on it. His arm round both of the girls. They sat like that for a long time, just looking at the baby as she slept.
"Ah, so the Dad has finally arrived then." A nurse spoke up as she entered the room. Matt went to correct her but Chloe stopped him, with a kiss.
"Let her believe, let them all believe." She whispered, her face close to his.
"I just came to tell you that you're both being released when you're ready." The nurse smiled at them and left the room.
"Hear that Mollie, you're going home!" "I'll go sort everything out shall I?"
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know, I'll ask Jeff, but it looks like my place." Chloe nodded as Matt kissed the top of her head and left.
"Jeffro?" Matt shouted as he entered the house.
"Still at the creek!" Shannon replied as he walked into the room. "Didn't expect you to be back so soon."
"Chloe and the baby are being released."
"Where to?"
"That's what I'm here to find out."
"Good luck." Matt shrugged at Shannon's comment and headed to the creek. He found Jeff sitting at the edge, dipping his feet in the cool water.
"Jeffro?" Matt asked gently.
"Come to have a go again?" Jeff asked in a sulky voice.
"No, I've come to find out if you're willing to accept your role yet. The Baby and Chloe are allowed home. Where are they going? Here, or do I have to clear up your mess again and play Dad?"
"That's all you ever do isn't it Matt? Clear up my messes. Hey why don't you just throw me out of this one? You've always wanted Chloe, and now she's got a daughter to go with her. Just how you've always dreamed it would be. Take them Matty, I'm so obviously unable to cope you would just be helping me out!"
"Fine, my place it is then!"
"Just do me a favour though." Jeff's voice was quieter and more regretful.
"Anything."
"Tell Chloe that I love her and I'm sorry."
"I can't Jeffy. You are the only person who can tell her that. Please just come with me. You don't have to stay. You don't even have to hold the baby, just tell her yourself."
"I don't have to stay."
"I'll go and get her. You just get Shannon to take you to mine in about half an hour."
"Ok." Jeff's voice was relieved but still regretful.
"Promise?"
"I swear." Matt nodded at his brother and slowly began to make his way back up to the house. Once inside he began to carry the baby things down and load them into the back of the car. He was just trying to pack the last few things in when Shannon appeared at the door.
"No luck then?" Shannon already knew the answer.
Matt shrugged. "He said he would come up to my place later. To talk to Chloe, so long as he doesn't have to stay or hold the baby."
"He said that?"
"No, I did, but it was what made him agree." Shannon nodded. "Will you bring him, in half an hour I think? Please just make sure he keeps his promise. Make sure he comes."
"I'll try my best." Matt nodded satisfied with the answer and got into his car. He looked back at the house, and down towards the creek, with regret in his eyes; and then drove of to the hospital.
As he arrived at he hospital Matt wondered how to break the news to Chloe. Things were hard for her at the moment, and Matt only ever seemed to bring her bad news. Now he had to tell her that Jeff had rejected them again, and explain about Jeff coming over. He could just not say anything and let it be a surprise, but deep down he knew he had to explain it to her beforehand; it would be unfair to let her think that Jeff was coming to take her back. Matt walked slowly along the hospital corridor, the baby carry seat in his hand. He stopped outside the door to Chloe's room and took a deep breath. "Damn I hate hospitals." He whispered to himself before entering the room.
"Where?" Chloe asked gently. She knew which answer to expect, but just had to hear it said.
"I'm sorry, I know it's not what you want, but it's all I can offer you."
"Thanks Matty, I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Jeff." Matt paused, unsure of how to continue. "He said he would come over to mine later. He said he wants to talk to you, but he's not staying, I. don't think he wants to see the baby." Matt tried to say it how he wanted it to be said, but couldn't find the right words.
"He'll see me, but not our baby?" Chloe spoke out loud, trying to get things sorted in her brain.
"The baby just reminds him of everything he'll miss. He doesn't realise that he'll miss more this way."
"It's a step in the right direction." Chloe tried to look on the positive side.
"He's starting his way back Clo, I promise, it's just gonna be a long road."
"Let's get home. I need to start telling people about this baby of mine." Chloe smiled weakly and stood up. Gently she lifted the tiny baby and placed her in the carry seat. Matt gently strapped the little girl in and picked it up. Slinging Chloe's bag over his other shoulder, he gently carried the baby out of the room and down towards the nurse's station. They said goodbye and thank you, getting some weird looks from a few of the nurse's, obviously confused as to which brother was the father. They heard whispers as they walked away. "That's not the father. The Dad was the blind one, the one with multicoloured hair."
"He hasn't been back since." They ignored the comments and carried on walking.
"Hello?"
"Amy?"
"Chloe! I haven't heard from you in ages. How are you? How's the bump?"
"It's now a little girl."
"When?"
"Yesterday."
"I'm gonna kill Jeff, he promised he would phone me first."
"You can kill him for me too then."
"Oh no, he hasn't."
"I'm at Matt's."
"Oh hon, I'm so sorry."
"We'll survive, we always do."
"But right after the baby!"
"I'm ok. I must go now. There are so many people to call."
"Ok, take care."
"I will bye."
"Wait, you didn't tell me what it's called."
"Mollie, Mollie Ava Hardy."
By the time that Chloe had phoned the first ten people she was almost falling asleep. "Geez, they didn't teach you how to do this in antenatal classes. It's almost harder than giving birth." She complained.
"Want me to do the next ten?" Matt asked picking up the list. The next ten were mostly Jeff and Chloe's joint friends. People that Matt was friends with too.
"Go for it, but be prepared they have way too many questions."
Matt was just talking to Adam Copeland when someone knocked on the door. "What was that?" Adam asked.
"Someone at the door." Matt got up and took the phone with him to the door. "Speak of the devil."
"Jeff?" Adam asked.
"Yup, decided to join the party." Matt guided Jeff in and around the baby things strewn all over the floor. "Careful," he warned. "The floor's covered in baby stuff." Jeff nodded and carefully walked over to the sofa and sat down. Matt quickly finished his conversation and hung the phone up.
"Is Chloe around?" Jeff asked, it was obvious that he was feeling uncomfy.
"She's upstairs, I'll just go and get her." Matt left the room, leaving Shannon and Jeff alone.
"I'm gonna go in the other room." Shannon told Jeff, wanting to give Jeff and Chloe some privacy to sort out their problems. Jeff nodded and waited. He heard Chloe's footsteps coming down the stairs and felt her presence standing by the doorway.
"I just wish I could see you now Chloe, I wanna know everything, I wish I could see how you look, see why I fell in love with you."
"Jeff, our love is about more than just looks, we love every part of each other, everything inside and out."
"I know, I didn't mean it to sound like that, it's just. If I could see you then everything would be all right. I'd be able to see everything, I wouldn't feel so lost and alone, and I could be how I used to be. I want to be carefree and happy again Chloe. I want to do spontaneous things and dangerous things. I want to do all the things that I've wanted to do and more. I wanna travel to all those little places away from the rest of the world. I wanna write a book, make an album with my band. I want little things, like to be able to ride my bike again and choose my own clothes. I wanna see another rainbow and watch another sunset. I wanna look down at the ground and see my feet. Hell I wanna be able to check I'm not wearing odd socks or my t shirt backwards. I want to look into your eyes again and tell you that I love you."
"You want to be young and free again." Chloe attempted to sum up and understand what Jeff was telling her.
"Yes, no, I don't know what I want. I don't want to have to choose, I wanna go with the flow."
"You don't want responsibilities to tie you down."
"I don't want to tie you down, I don't want to be another responsibility for you to look after. I just want to fly away from here, but I can't because I'm blind."
"You don't want our daughter though." Chloe spoke with some regret.
"I want her more than anything, but not like this. I thought I could cope, I thought I'd come to terms with things but I haven't. Matt was right. I'm too young and immature, maybe if I could see then I wouldn't feel like this, but maybe it's always been like this and I've never really understood myself."
"Jeff, you don't need to explain yourself to me. I understand."
"You knew this would happen?"
"No one knew, but we could have a good idea. I thought you might react like you did, I thought you might not accept it. Both was unlucky but it happened, and as much as I love you I can't hold onto you."
"I don't want to leave you." Jeff was worried, he hadn't come to split up with Chloe, he was just trying to explain to her what was going on in his mind.
"You're not leaving me, we're just taking time out. We're waiting for fate to lend us a hand and change things for us. It may be months, it may be years, but we'll cope separately until then. We're meant to be together Jeff, just maybe not yet."
"God, I love you so much Chloe." Jeff walked over to Chloe and kissed her. He held her tight and breathed in her scent. They stayed like that until they heard Mollie begin to cry.
"I'll get her Matt." Chloe called out.
"Chloe," Jeff held her hand as she turned away from him. "Stay with Matt. He'll know what to do, he'll make a great Dad."
"So would you." Chloe whispered. "Come and say goodbye to Mollie."
"I'll still be around."
"But not as her Dad."
"As her Uncle."
"Come and be Dad for the last time then." Jeff followed Chloe upstairs and into the spare room. She led him up to a cot and then leant down to pick the baby up. She handed the crying bundle to Jeff who stood there, unsure of what to do. Slowly he moved the baby into a comfier position and began to rock gently for side to side as he softly sang. Alone.listless.breakfast table in an otherwise empty room. Young girl.violins.centre of her own attention Mother reads aloud child.tries to understand it,.. Tries To make her proud,.. The shades go down,.. It's in her head Painted room...can't deny there's something wrong.
Don't call me daughter. Not fit to. The picture kept will remind me. Don't call me daughter. Not fit to. The picture kept will remind me. Don't call me.
The baby in his arms stopped crying and he handed it back to it's mother. "Bye bye my Baby." He walked out of the room and passed Matt and Shannon, standing outside the room. "Can I have a lift home please?"
"Jeff, please don't do this." Matt pleaded with his brother.
"No Matt, it's not my turn. I can't take the go when it isn't my move. You should be the one with a kid, I can't take the responsibility, I don't deserve it. Please just take this and promise me that you will love her as your own and keep her as your own."
"Jeff." Matt cried.
"No Matt." Jeff cut off his brother, as the tears crept down his face as well. "If you ever do anything for me again in my life, do this. Be her Dad, bring her up properly, and let her see her uncle once in a while." Matt nodded gently and then hugged his brother.
"I can't believe that you're doing this."
"Believe it, Dad." Jeff walked away from his brother and out of the house.