Cliché

This is the fic that's been running through my head for the longest time now. Yes it IS a self-insertion fic and YES I do hate them. My muse (an annoying little thing, something of a largish gray rat with plain gray-brown feathered wings) wouldn't let me forget this fic. Grrrrr! Anyway, so I finally wrote it. It's pretty long and will most likely remain unfinished, because THAT LITTLE IDIOT OF A FLYING RAT never lets me finish my stories. He always just drops the plot after I've started it! Grrrrrrrrrr. One of these days *shakes fist at air* I'll finish something! You'll see!

Anyway, read on, I really don't care if you hate it, it's not for you, it's for my amusement only! It would have stayed deep in the directories of my computer for all eternity… but I decided to be stupid and let people actually read it… *sigh* I'm screwed…

I woke up, and proceeded to roll over, snuggling deeper into my covers. Ah the joys of summer vacations. I grabbed at my comforter, it wasn't there. I sat up,

"Ouch!"

I guess I must have fallen asleep on the kitchen floor or something, that's the only place with a hard floor in the house. Strange, I've never done that before, I could swear I remembered sneaking out of the computer room at like 2 AM and going into my room. Addicted to those fanfics I was….. I rubbed my eyes, and looked around. I WAS IN A GODAMN FOREST FOR CRAP SAKES! Just then the thought hit me and I began to giggle and groan at the same time. A strange sound I assure you. I groaned again. No giggle this time. The first thing that came to my head was

"Great now you're in Tortall or whatever just like those fanfics you finished flaming last night." And in my PJ's… not that they were ugly, actually they were really cute, full of frogs. I groaned again. I was doing a lot of groaning. I decided to moan instead.

'Ok, so I was in Tortall' I thought. 

By now that idea had firmly implanted itself in my head. I decided to humor myself. Let me be delusional. I either sleepwalked over to the forest about a ¼ hour walk from here or I was indeed (hahahah) in Tortall. Or I was in a coma. In any of those situations I would have to get up and do something. I looked around. "This is WAY too convenient" I thought " I just happen to be plopped in a forest with no food and I also just happen to be an edible plant/survival-in-the-wild obsessed freak?" Like I said, way to convenient. As it was, I was hungry and decided to forage. I found some wood-sorrel (that stuff grows everywhere) and some clover (hard to digest but I was hungry) I also found a stream but decided not to risk it in case I was actually in the "real world" and it was polluted. With my meager breakfast I decided to find my way out. If I was in the royal forest (HAHAHAHA) then I would have to do the stereo-typical thing and steal some clothes of a clothesline or something. If I was in a coma, then, I would just have to enjoy this odd dream.

NO WAY was I going to go to the castle and announce that was from another dimension then drool over Jon, Numair and the rest of the squires only to faint dead away by the feet of the Lioness. Ugh. Just the thought of it made me sick. I would live anonymously, no-one knowing where I came from. Or maybe I could scrounge a living in the forest. That sounded like a good idea. In any case, after an hour of walking I realized I must be somewhere other than the forest near my house. No way it was THIS big. It was a small square thing, the remnant of the forest left after the farming. And cars could be heard even if I was in the middle of it. The forest was directly in between a highway and a small but pretty busy 3 lane road. If I was in Tortall "Hahahahaha" ( I really should get out of the habit of laughing every time I say that…) I could wander for days or years. Who knows how large these undestroyed (and beautiful) forest could be.

In case you're wondering, no I was not blundering around crashing into bushes as I would be in a normal situation. I found a deer path, errrrrrr… an animal path of some kind. I really didn't care if I met up with a bear or wolf. If I died oh well. I was finally doing something I liked. I had no responsibilities, no school and no family. Finally peace. I could wander. Besides, the animal path I was on must lead to somewhere useful or else the animals wouldn't take it.

I was right. I walked out onto the shores of a beautiful lake. I looked across it my eyes blinded by the glare. Was that…. Yes it was. A campfire.

'Maybe I could steal some clothes' I thought.

Look like a commoner. And not raise suspicion. Then I sighed. No way was I going to be able to sneak up on them. I was a teenage weakling with no experience being stealthy. I mean I loved the wilderness, I would go camping a lot, but I never needed to be silent or blending-in-ish. Besides, my feet hurt. My soft soles weren't used to the rough forest floor. The camp would most likely be gone by the time I got there but I decided to follow the lake shore and get there anyways….. maybe the fire would still be somewhat warm and maybe they left something useful behind. Hah! Fat chance but it was worth a try. Nothing else to do.

I didn't even WANT to THINK about the bugs at night. Although I was pretty sure I could manage to survive for a couple of weeks on the knowledge I had of plants, pity I couldn't start a fire. I mean, I knew HOW, I just didn't think I could do it myself. And I didn't have any kind of container to hold water in or boil anything, which wild plants often needed.

The fire quickly died down and the camper(s?) seemed to have moved off. Once I finally got to the site (not hungry though- found some more clover- which doesn't taste that good by the way) I decided to sneak up on it anyway, was worth a try……….

I took careful steps, about one a minute, just like I read about on the wilderness survival website. (again one of my oh-so-convenient peculiarities) I finally made it and to my surprise the camper hadn't left. It seemed that it was a permanent camp, looking oh-so suspiciously like the one the pages used…..I noticed a thingy where they could have ties their horses and some HUGE droppings (a.k.a. GIANT SHIT!) that could only be from horses. Well it seemed that they had moved off so I decided to look around, ever alert.

My blue PJ's NOT helping me blend in, I looked inside the cabin type thing… looks like they hadn't moved off for sure. No, the pages belongings were still strewn all over the place. I quickly stepped in and began to pick through the things. Trying to find something that would help me blend in to my surrounding yet NOT look out of place if I happened to be found out. Nothing with an emblem I feverishly hoped. I began to pick through someone's bag. AHA! Success. Some particularly small page, probably a first year, had  a green shirt and a green-brown tunic and another first year had some green breeches. I put it all on quickly, and tucked my PJ's under my arm… who knows…I might need them later.

Actually as I looked at myself, I didn't look bad… at least no-one would scream if they saw me. I also grabbed a belt with a dagger attached. The fool page must have forgotten to take it. Oh well. His loss. I looked inside the little pockets, there like any sensible medieval person was flint and some emergency dried meat. Perfect. I strapped it on and grabbed a haversack that was lying around. I put my PJ's inside grabbed some other clothes I thought might fit me in and left. I also scrounged around the camp. In a corner I found some pots.

'Perfect!' I almost squealed.

I grabbed one and put it in my haversack as well.  I decided to clear out before they returned. But before I left I looked around in vain for another weapon. They had taken them all. No luck. I carefully walked off desperately trying not to leave any traces that I had been there. As it was it took me about twice the time to get even half the distance, hence 4 times as slow. I found a nice secluded spot and settled myself down to wait. I was still within hearing range when I heard a shout. I laughed inwardly. Someone had discovered the thief. I lay down. But something  jabbed my in the back... I scratched it.. there was something sewn into the sleeves. I felt around it. A COIN! Lots of coins. SOMEONE was a bit paranoid. Lucky for me. Excellent. Even so , the coins would be of no use if I had no where to spend them…

'I should probably follow them to Corus' I thought.

That would be smart. But what would I DO there? I had no useful talents in this world. I couldn't fight, or sew or anything. Nor was I a noble. Nope. Best thing would be to just stay here. But what about winter. I couldn't survive the winter. I frowned. Looks like I'll have to follow them into Corus after all. When they left I would follow. I would decided what to do once I got there. I sighed.

I thought of all the "OMG-I'm-in-Tortall" fics. Then laughed. Now wouldn't it be perfect if I just suddenly had the Gift? And without realizing it could just suddenly know how to wield a weapon perfectly? Oh that would just be funny.

So to prove myself wrong I took out the dagger and proceeded to throw it at a tree. Guess what. To my dismay, it stuck… Point first at the exact spot I was aiming for. How perfect. I don't suppose I have the Gift now do I?  Ugh…I probably did. This was disgusting. I HATE THOSE STUPID MARY-SUES! NOW I AM ONE! Either this was a sicko dream of everything I hated or it was a bizarre and stupid reality. Either way I was NOT happy.

I was startled by  a loud booming voice yelling "WE'RE MOVING OUT TOMMORROW, BACK TO CORUS" followed by some cheers that quickly died off, presumably by the glare of Lord Wyldon. Wait no… it wasn't him anymore, it was that Padraig fellow. Ha Minch or something.

 It was amazing what I remembered from all the books. Yay. Lucky me. I would have to wake up at like dawn.. that was impossible. I was used to waking up at like lunchtime. Not dawn. I decided to take a nap now… so maybe I could wake up early tomorrow… the it hit me.

I didn't need to follow them directly. I could just follow their tracks. No doubt the horses would make a nice trail. Perfect. The next morning I woke up surprisingly early. Just late enough to hear them leaving. I quietly (I was trying to make it a habit) snuck up on the camp. Good. They were gone. I then began to non-chalantly follow to path that the horses mowed through the undergrowth.

Once I finally reached Corus I was hungry (clovers can only sustain a person for so long) and tired and with no idea what to do. I was so confused. I  refused to go announce that I'm a visitor from another world. That would be disgusting. And the thought that there might be people just like me already living in the palace, that just utterly repulsed me. Oh the cliché. Yuck. I settled down just inside the forest to wait for an idea. Then I giggled. Oh the irony if I had the Gift. I should try.

I thought about all the lessons "I'd" learned about meditation and all that from CoM and the Tortall series. I calmed down and concentrated. Doing the oh-so-cheesy "looking deep within myself" thing. What I found made me gasp and lose a hold of it. I began to cry. Yes me. The supposedly heartless girl was crying, something I did so often that no-one bothered with it anymore. When the tears came no blinking would send 'em back. I had the Gift. That was so corny it was like my worst nightmare. But curse me. I was happy as well…. Yay I had the Gift… the strange thing was it didn't have a color. All Gifts had color didn't they? I tried again. Nope no color. Weird. So was my gift invisible to sorcery? Would it even be invisible to Kit?

Oh the corntacularness. (a/n. It's one of my word-melds... it means spectacularly corny) Not only did I have the gift but it was a powerful and unheard of one too. I took the advice of all the Mary-Sues and decided to get training. From who? Who do you think. Numair. *Sigh*… this just sucks. I am so pathetic. I thought about it as I got up. Obviously those mages and regular people that COULD see magic couldn't see mine. Maybe the more powerful ones and dragons could feel it…

I wondered how I was going to get in the palace. Then a revelation. If my gift was invisible perhaps it could do the same to me? Stands to reason doesn't it? It took me about 5 hours of non-stop trying and flickering but it finally worked. But I was so exhausted I could barely stand. I decided to eat the dried meat and try again tomorrow.

I woke up with a stiff back and a headache. Crossly I put those aside and tried to become invisible. This time success only took ½ an hour and I wasn't exhausted yet. I looked down and grabbed some invisible meat from my invisible pouch. This was difficult when you couldn't see what your were doing. I ate it as I strolled through Corus and quietly slipped into one of the wagons entering the city. Again I had to wait before someone finally walked through the palace gates before I could sneak in after.

By the time I got in, it was lunch time and I was ravenous. I wandered around the halls aimlessly for an hour. It really WAS a miserable rat's warren. I finally stumbled upon a door with a sign that said Master Numair Salmalin (a/n No funny little "i"…I'm too lazy to make it). FINALLY! Took me long enough to get here. I become visible and knocked on the door. On second thought…I put my invisibility up again. To see if he could sense me.

When he answered, peering into the hallway. He couldn't see me! I thought gleefully. I saw a frown, I could feel and see as his magic passed over me looking for a prankster. He twitched. I could tell that he could barely, but just barely sense that for some reason SOMETHING was in front of him. Again I stood still as I felt his magic pass over and through me. He frowned again. Finally he put an arm forward, I braced myself for his shock when he touched me, ready to drop my shields… when his arm when through me. Literally through me.

Oh and if you've read my bio, YES this IS that fic that supposedly has Owen in it. I've broken my vow and let it see the light of day…*sigh*