Starlight, Starbright
By Kat Yuy
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters (though, I might add, Jericho Foster is my character). I do not receive any monetary donations that relate in any way to this fanfic or others.
I stood at the window, staring out at the stars. Relena was right behind me, of course, curious to see just what I was staring at. She was always by my side…protecting me, like an angel.
That brought my thoughts to the other one who'd done that for me. Not in the same way as Relena, of course. Relena was…well, what was she? I had what most people described as a "crush" on her, but to me it was something more. Jericho was more of a brother. Yes, that was it. He was the older brother I never had.
I could see my figure reflected in the shiny glass of the window. I could tell the change was coming already. My eyes weren't so dull and lifeless, emotionless. I could see the old sparkling quality starting to come back, but it wouldn't last long. The change happened more often than it did before, but was only temporary. Reflected in the Peacemillion II's windows was my old self.
Relena's reflection, standing just behind me, looked worried. She knew the battle had hurt me, and the silence and my pain seemed more than she could bear. "Heero…"
"Look," I said suddenly, for no apparent reason, pointing at a constellation. "That's the Little Dipper; you can just barely see it. The North Star is right there. Amazing, isn't it, how people used that to find their way all those years ago?"
She walked up beside me, violet eyes meeting mine questioningly. "How come I get the feeling you're following it, too?"
I could feel the smile coming, and Relena's eyes got huge. Someone who'd known me longer would realize it was a sad smile. Of course, she'd never seen me like this before. I already knew that I was schizophrenic. That was why the change did come. But the personality with all of the emotions always went into hiding. "I don't know what else to follow," I told her, looking down, the smile still at my lips. "Sometimes I really think I have no future, but the Zero tells me otherwise."
She frowned. "So, you're looking to the future now?" I'd never spoken of it before. The future was too confusing.
"I think before I look forward to the future, I have to face the past." Relena didn't speak. She knew there wasn't anything she could say right now. "I've been here before, you know," I said. "I remember…Jericho was pointing out the different stars."
"Jericho?" she repeated. I hadn't told her about Jericho, either. I kept the information to myself, but it was becoming necessary to face it now.
I continued. "Jericho would stand there with me, and he'd talk to me, kneeling down to my height with his hand on my shoulder. Like a brother. 'Look, there's the Leo constellation. Remember, kiddo, that the name was taken from the stars. OZ is using space's names for their weapons, though they have no claim to it themselves.' And then, 'Make a wish. Say it with me: Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight…' People would walk by and actually think we were brothers at first. But then they got a good look. I was seven, Japanese, with dark hair and blue eyes. He was fourteen, Canadian, reddish-brown hair and green eyes."
She seemed surprised, but interested. "Go on." She sat on the railing, listening to me intently as I told her the things I'd locked up in my heart, secrets hidden for all eternity.
"I taught him Japanese, and he taught me English. I felt like he was the only one who really understood me. My father tried, but I needed something not from a parent. My sister was too young to realize I was in pain, so she did nothing." I paused. "Jericho really did a lot for me…he took me under his wing, in more ways than one. Not only did he teach me everything he knew, whether it be piloting techniques or algebra, but he protected me. He was my guardian angel." I looked behind me at the Wing Zero. It had been totaled in the battle. The near-destruction of its wings disturbed me most of all.
Relena looked, too. "I thought you did the custom refit for no reason."
"I lied." I stared at the broken wings, shaped like those of a bird or angel's. "Jericho Foster's memory was just too painful. But I did it for him. I know that if he'd lived to see me fighting for the colonies, he'd have been the first one there when I left, cheering me on as I fought. He'd have been there if I needed advice, or even to take over during late-night repairs on the Gundam. But he's not." The words "fallen angel" floated around in my mind, and I was unable to banish them.
Relena looked down. "What happened to him?"
I sighed. "He was trying to protect me, as always. There was gonna be a battle on one of the L-5 colonies, and Jericho wanted to join in as a mercenary. He told me to stay behind. It wasn't a Mobile Suit battle, it was a ground battle, he told me. They were bloody and gory and it was too horrifying for him to burden me with." I felt sick, but I went on. "I followed him, anyway. He was in a dangerous situation when he realized that I was there. Then he didn't want to kill anyone in front of me."
I looked up right into her eyes. Relena knew exactly what was coming. "He told me to get into the crevasse in the wall, and not to come out until the battle was over. 'No noise, no matter what you hear or see. If it helps, keep your eyes closed.' Then some guy, a sixteen-year-old came in and challenged him to a swordfight. Jericho pulled the helmet on, and they started fighting. It was an intense duel…and a long one. In the end, it was Jericho who lost his sword…" I swallowed hard, and felt my eyes burn. "He looked right up at the older boy, and the last thing he said was, 'I die for the cause.' Then the boy sliced off his head."
Relena shuddered. I could see a tear roll down her cheek. I should really stop, but I had to get it out now. I had been haunted by this day for eleven years now, and I had to tell someone before it destroyed me. "And—and then I screamed and ran at him. I picked up the helmet—his head was still in it, and I just stared. I couldn't move. The older boy left somewhere in the middle of it, then I heard footsteps approaching. My father had come to look for me."
"What did he do when he saw what happened?" she asked me.
I shook my head. "I don't remember. I was scared to death. I vaguely remember some kind of injection to calm me, and I woke up about a week later at home. Father told me the name of the boy who killed Jericho was Treize Khushrenada, and he worked in the Earth's special army, OZ. We never spoke about it again after that. About a year later, Doctor J took me, and he mentioned one of his students, Jericho Foster, had disappeared, and I just started shaking. He never asked me about it again, of course, but…" My voice trailed off, and I felt her hand on my shoulder. Without even thinking about it, I pulled her into a strong embrace.
"Heero?" she gasped. She obviously hadn't expected this.
"You don't realize how you've helped me," I whispered into her hair. "I'll never blame you if you don't feel the same way, but I need to tell you…I love you, Relena."
Now she was really surprised. I could feel her heartbeat quicken against my chest, and she pulled back slightly so she could look at my face. I had to smile when I saw in her eyes that she felt the same way. I had something to live for again—something I could really look forward to.
I pulled her closer again, this time drawing her into a kiss. This was something I'd never experienced. The pain wasn't totally gone, but had been shut down to a minimum. I'd read poetry when I was younger that described everything I felt in those moments, but never understood any of it. Actually, I'm not sure if all of it captured just how much I felt then.
Then I released her. She smiled, burying her face in my shirt. "I love you, too."
We stood like that for a long time, just swaying gently back and forth. Then I asked her about the one thing that left unanswered. "How are we going to make this work, Relena?"
I could feel her smiling. "I think we already have."
~Owari~