Disclaimer: Serenity and her crew are the sole and rightful property of Mutant Enemy, Joss Whedon, and Tim Minear. No disrespect is meant by my borrowing them; no financial gain is mine by employing them.
Spoilers for War Stories and Objects in Space.
--------------------------------------------------
"Kaylee." She gave a breathless scream and whirled around to face me, her eyes wide with fear.
"It's OK. It's just me. 'S OK." Damn it, I shoulda known better than to come up behind her like this.
"Cap'n." Her voice held relief and a bit of reproach. And then there it was - her eyes slid away from mine. She turned back to whatever it was she'd been fiddling with on the engine. "Is everything all right? D'ya need me for something?"
"Well now, that's what I'm here to ask you. Ain't seen you around much these last two days."
"Oh, you know - Serenity, she takes a lot of lookin' after."
"Yeah, I do know. And you do a mighty fine job of that. But you've pretty much taken up homesteadin' in this engine room. I can't help but wonder that somethin's not right with you. After what happened . . . " I let it hang there, hoping she'd finish it.
She shrugged. "It's nothin' really." She said it softly, turned away from me and all, so that I barely caught it.
"Kaylee, look at me." She looked at me over her shoulder, her face partially obscured by a fall of hair. "No, turn around and look at me." Reluctantly she turned toward me, shoulders slumped, her eyes trained on the floor. "What's all this about? This . . ." I gestured to take in her defeated stance, "this ain't like you."
"It's nothin', Cap'n, really. I just . . . uh, I ain't been sleepin' too well lately."
"Well, that was a scary thing with that xiong meng de kuang ren bounty hunter. But he's gone. I sent him out into the black, and he's never gonna go after you again. You got my word on that."
"Oh, Cap'n, I know that. I know that you'd die trying to keep us all safe. And you do. Keep us safe, I mean." Her lips started to tremble and her eyes filled with tears. "And I . . ." Her voice caught in her throat. "I don't deserve it. I don't deserve none of it."
"What?" That's not what I expected to hear
"I don't!" The tears were there plain now. "I let you down. I keep lettin' you down. All of you."
"Kaylee . . ." She cut me off in a rush.
"No! I'm a coward. I froze when we went to get you back from Niska. You all coulda been killed because I couldn't shoot them. They were coming up the ramp, they were gonna take Serenity and you and I couldn't stop them. I wouldn't shoot! And then River did it. That little girl, but I couldn't." The words were tumbling out, sobbing out.
"Kaylee" I started toward her. She backed up against the bulkhead, almost in a panic.
"Don't. I can't. Don't you understand? Again. When he . . . I told him! I told him where River was. I didn't try to fight. He was gonna take her. He coulda killed you. Or Zoe. Or Simon. But I was so afraid. Oh God. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Please, don't hate me!" Her knees started to give out on her and she started to slide to the floor.
I made it to her in two steps and caught her before she collapsed completely. Held her close, tried to calm her.
"I could never hate you. You hear me? I could never hate you. And there's nothing to forgive, mei-mei. Nothing." Her tears soaked through my shirt, her body, torn by her sobbing grief, wracked against mine.
"How can you say that? I'm useless! Someday you'll need me and I'll let you down again. And someone will die, and then I'll die, too."
"Fei hua. Hush your nonsense. Quiet now. Hush." I tried to remember how my ma would calm me when I was a child, and that was the voice I now called to soothe her. Over and over until she started to still.
"Oh, God. Why am I such a coward?" The tears were still there, but the riot was quieting.
"You listen to me." I smoothed my hand on her back, up and down, gentling her. "You are not a coward." She started to shake her head in denial, but I caught her chin with my hand and brought her face up to look at me. "You are not a coward." Each word distinct. She stared into my eyes, wanting to believe. "A coward wouldn't have willingly walked onto Niska's station. A coward wouldn't have cut her bonds and freed the rest of us. A coward wouldn't have walked away from the safety of the only world she knew and flown off with a bu tai zhen chang de captain. Sweet Kaylee, I seen cowards. That ain't you. I swear to you." I kissed her softly on her forehead. A ghost of a smile started. "Now, you're no soldier, I'll give you that." I laughed when I said it, and she laughed with me at last. Relief poured through me. "I got enough fighters. Don't need another one. I need what I got in you. The best gorram mechanic in the whole gorram 'verse. We'd be dead in the water without you. You might want to be rememberin' that." I shook her shoulders slightly in feigned anger. "You ain't useless, and if I hear you say that again, I'll throw you in the brig for a week. Bread and water."
"Serenity ain't got a brig." Her sass was back.
"Well, I'll just have to have Jayne build me one. I'm sure he's familiar with the design." That got another laugh. "Get out of here now. Go on up and get something to eat. You're wastin' away before my very eyes." I gave her a small push toward the exit.
"Cap'n?" She turned toward me, almost shyly. "Thank you." Before I could react she rushed to me and placed a quick, soft kiss on my cheek. "I love you, Captain Reynolds." She ran off down the corridor, her steps light now.
I never should have brought her on board Serenity. If I were any kind of a righteous man I'd send her packing on the next transport back to her home. But I'm not a righteous man. Not anymore.
I didn't know her then. Prairie harpy, that's what I called her. A girl who liked sex and engines, maybe not in that order. I needed to get in the air. She had the talent to do it. What more did I need to know? But then, slowly, she stopped being the girl who liked sex and engines; she became Kaylee. She has no edges to her. I forgot what it was like to be around someone like that. She looks at the 'verse, and she sees new beginnings. She looks into someone's heart, and she sees the good, even it it's hidden away where you think it's guarded. She laughs, and it has no trace of bitterness, no hint of darkness. She's all light. And that's why I don't send her away. Because if she goes, then the black will surely take me.
I know I'm being selfish. I told her once that I was a mean old man. She laughed at me, thought I was joking. I wasn't. I put her in danger every day she flies with me. I know I'm tempting God. Yeah, you bastard. She's our next battleground. I understand. How many times has she come close to falling? But I'm always there to catch her. I'll always be there. You can't have her. Not her. You abandoned them all. Killed them all. Betrayed them. Betrayed me! But not this time. Not with her. With her, I win.
The End
Jan. 03
Spoilers for War Stories and Objects in Space.
--------------------------------------------------
"Kaylee." She gave a breathless scream and whirled around to face me, her eyes wide with fear.
"It's OK. It's just me. 'S OK." Damn it, I shoulda known better than to come up behind her like this.
"Cap'n." Her voice held relief and a bit of reproach. And then there it was - her eyes slid away from mine. She turned back to whatever it was she'd been fiddling with on the engine. "Is everything all right? D'ya need me for something?"
"Well now, that's what I'm here to ask you. Ain't seen you around much these last two days."
"Oh, you know - Serenity, she takes a lot of lookin' after."
"Yeah, I do know. And you do a mighty fine job of that. But you've pretty much taken up homesteadin' in this engine room. I can't help but wonder that somethin's not right with you. After what happened . . . " I let it hang there, hoping she'd finish it.
She shrugged. "It's nothin' really." She said it softly, turned away from me and all, so that I barely caught it.
"Kaylee, look at me." She looked at me over her shoulder, her face partially obscured by a fall of hair. "No, turn around and look at me." Reluctantly she turned toward me, shoulders slumped, her eyes trained on the floor. "What's all this about? This . . ." I gestured to take in her defeated stance, "this ain't like you."
"It's nothin', Cap'n, really. I just . . . uh, I ain't been sleepin' too well lately."
"Well, that was a scary thing with that xiong meng de kuang ren bounty hunter. But he's gone. I sent him out into the black, and he's never gonna go after you again. You got my word on that."
"Oh, Cap'n, I know that. I know that you'd die trying to keep us all safe. And you do. Keep us safe, I mean." Her lips started to tremble and her eyes filled with tears. "And I . . ." Her voice caught in her throat. "I don't deserve it. I don't deserve none of it."
"What?" That's not what I expected to hear
"I don't!" The tears were there plain now. "I let you down. I keep lettin' you down. All of you."
"Kaylee . . ." She cut me off in a rush.
"No! I'm a coward. I froze when we went to get you back from Niska. You all coulda been killed because I couldn't shoot them. They were coming up the ramp, they were gonna take Serenity and you and I couldn't stop them. I wouldn't shoot! And then River did it. That little girl, but I couldn't." The words were tumbling out, sobbing out.
"Kaylee" I started toward her. She backed up against the bulkhead, almost in a panic.
"Don't. I can't. Don't you understand? Again. When he . . . I told him! I told him where River was. I didn't try to fight. He was gonna take her. He coulda killed you. Or Zoe. Or Simon. But I was so afraid. Oh God. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Please, don't hate me!" Her knees started to give out on her and she started to slide to the floor.
I made it to her in two steps and caught her before she collapsed completely. Held her close, tried to calm her.
"I could never hate you. You hear me? I could never hate you. And there's nothing to forgive, mei-mei. Nothing." Her tears soaked through my shirt, her body, torn by her sobbing grief, wracked against mine.
"How can you say that? I'm useless! Someday you'll need me and I'll let you down again. And someone will die, and then I'll die, too."
"Fei hua. Hush your nonsense. Quiet now. Hush." I tried to remember how my ma would calm me when I was a child, and that was the voice I now called to soothe her. Over and over until she started to still.
"Oh, God. Why am I such a coward?" The tears were still there, but the riot was quieting.
"You listen to me." I smoothed my hand on her back, up and down, gentling her. "You are not a coward." She started to shake her head in denial, but I caught her chin with my hand and brought her face up to look at me. "You are not a coward." Each word distinct. She stared into my eyes, wanting to believe. "A coward wouldn't have willingly walked onto Niska's station. A coward wouldn't have cut her bonds and freed the rest of us. A coward wouldn't have walked away from the safety of the only world she knew and flown off with a bu tai zhen chang de captain. Sweet Kaylee, I seen cowards. That ain't you. I swear to you." I kissed her softly on her forehead. A ghost of a smile started. "Now, you're no soldier, I'll give you that." I laughed when I said it, and she laughed with me at last. Relief poured through me. "I got enough fighters. Don't need another one. I need what I got in you. The best gorram mechanic in the whole gorram 'verse. We'd be dead in the water without you. You might want to be rememberin' that." I shook her shoulders slightly in feigned anger. "You ain't useless, and if I hear you say that again, I'll throw you in the brig for a week. Bread and water."
"Serenity ain't got a brig." Her sass was back.
"Well, I'll just have to have Jayne build me one. I'm sure he's familiar with the design." That got another laugh. "Get out of here now. Go on up and get something to eat. You're wastin' away before my very eyes." I gave her a small push toward the exit.
"Cap'n?" She turned toward me, almost shyly. "Thank you." Before I could react she rushed to me and placed a quick, soft kiss on my cheek. "I love you, Captain Reynolds." She ran off down the corridor, her steps light now.
I never should have brought her on board Serenity. If I were any kind of a righteous man I'd send her packing on the next transport back to her home. But I'm not a righteous man. Not anymore.
I didn't know her then. Prairie harpy, that's what I called her. A girl who liked sex and engines, maybe not in that order. I needed to get in the air. She had the talent to do it. What more did I need to know? But then, slowly, she stopped being the girl who liked sex and engines; she became Kaylee. She has no edges to her. I forgot what it was like to be around someone like that. She looks at the 'verse, and she sees new beginnings. She looks into someone's heart, and she sees the good, even it it's hidden away where you think it's guarded. She laughs, and it has no trace of bitterness, no hint of darkness. She's all light. And that's why I don't send her away. Because if she goes, then the black will surely take me.
I know I'm being selfish. I told her once that I was a mean old man. She laughed at me, thought I was joking. I wasn't. I put her in danger every day she flies with me. I know I'm tempting God. Yeah, you bastard. She's our next battleground. I understand. How many times has she come close to falling? But I'm always there to catch her. I'll always be there. You can't have her. Not her. You abandoned them all. Killed them all. Betrayed them. Betrayed me! But not this time. Not with her. With her, I win.
The End
Jan. 03