Star Trek Meets Lord of the Rings

Chapter 1

Captain Picard is fuming. Argh! He hates the Federation for making him go on this stupid mission. He had heard a lot of funny things about this place called Middle Earth, from captains before him who have gone there and come back baffled.

But anyway, he has to go to the planet of Middle Earth. Crucial mission. Darn. Picard hates crucial missions. Because it's usually on the crucial missions that Data runs out of memory. And Jordie's glasses break down. And Enterprise crashes into the landing pad and the crew has to spend weeks trying to repair it. Enterprise, not the landing pad.

So Picard just got this message from the Federation. He's got to go make an exploratory mission on Middle Earth – satellites have been picking up some evil cackling (something about a "ring," but with the Federation's poor technology it was probably just static). The Federation wants to know exactly what is going on over there. Only trouble is, Middle Earth is in Clingon territory. Gulp. It really is a crucial mission.

Suddenly Worf comes up (no I don't care how you spell his name) and says "Commander. Just tell me again why in the name of God we are going on this mission."

"Oh, just wondering, are we. Listen, chap, just go ask the Federation. I could care less about Middle Earth," retorts Picard.

Worf emits a long and fake sigh and turns around. Picard doesn't notice but Worf is smirking behind his back. Ha ha, he loves it when the Captain gets stressed out. You can always tell.

Middle Earth is now in sight. "Jordie," says Picard, "take 'er down."

"Yes sir," says Jordie, always obedient. The ship veers toward the planet. "We're going in, sir," says Jordie.

Blaring trumpets start to play.

Cut to theme song.

"…to boldly go where no man has gone before!!!"

Da, da da da, da da da… Da da da da, da, da, da da da da…

…Anyway, back to the show. For those of you just joining us, Jordie is steering the Enterprise toward Middle Earth.

"Captain!" says Data. "We are experiencing a malfunction."

Oh no. Picard slaps his forehead. Not again. Red lights start to flash in the halls and the lights on the main deck start flickering. Oh great.

"Jordie," says Picard. "Let me see the main screen." Picard walks over to where Jordie is sitting.

"Here sir," says Jordie, pointing to the screen.

Picard's stomach drops. Argh! Trust a blind guy to mistake the fuel level! "You fool!" he cries. "Let me steer!"

"What?" exclaims Jordie, flabbergasted. Picard rolls his eyes and takes over the controls. He could tell the ship was going to crash. Jordie's glasses had already malfunctioned. Oh no. Now Data was going to malfunction too.

True to form, Data goes all stiff in his chair and starts singing that stupid Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da song in a woman's voice.

Great. Just great.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard has no time to think about Data, though – he has to get the ship landed – well, crashed, anyway. He winces. Here goes, he thinks.

"Crew!" he yells. "Brace yourselves!"

"I can't see! I can't see!" screams Jordie. He runs around screaming as though he had been shot with a laser gun.

"Shut up you idiot!" barks Picard. "Can't you see I'm trying to land this @$%# ship?!"

"No! I can't see!" shrieks Jordie. "ARGH!"

Picard tries to ignore Jordie as he steers the malfunctioning ship to Middle Earth. It's hard to do, even without the screaming fool in the background.

Suddenly Enterprise takes a nosedive. Oh great. Just what he needed. A head-on crash.

"Crew!" Picard barks again. "Fasten your seatbelts!"

"I CAN'T FIND MY SEAT BELT!" screams Jordie.

"THEN SHUT YOUR STUPID TRAP!" cries Picard.

"Well fine." Jordie starts muttering to himself.

Ah. At last. A moment of peace. Except for the fact that the Enterprise is going to crash in ten seconds, things are going pretty well on board. Oh, yeah, Data's system is crashing as well. So maybe things aren't so great on board. Darn.

The Enterprise starts to shake uncontrollably. "B-b-brace – y-your – s-s-selves, c-c-c-c-crew! W-w-we – a-a-are – g-g-going – t-t-t' c-crash!" rumbles Picard.

BOOM. They crash. Did that really need any explaining? No. I didn't think so.

By the way, everyone on board is knocked out by the impact of the crash. Duh. Just like in every other typical Star Trek episode.