Star Trek Meets Lord of the Rings
Chapter Three
Captain Picard is standing outside the ruins of his once proud starship. It is too much. He's
down on his knees now, weeping his head off, lamenting his lost and beloved –
Well, actually, it's not quite that bad.
The Enterprise is practically functional. It's the crew that just isn't there.
Ah! If only he had Data at a time like this! Data wouldn't break down on him at a time like this!
Oh, yeah.
Captain Picard is furious once again. @#$% the stupid Federation! His entire crew was lost!
Then it hits him like a cannon ball.
His crew could still be alive! The ship has not disintegrated! The crew is just nowhere to be
found. There are no bodies, nothing. In all likelihood –
They have been captured. But by whom?
Captain Picard is deep in thought. So deep in thought that he doesn't notice the hordes of people
running over the hill. He doesn't notice anything.
And then it hits him like a cannon ball.
Picard doubles over. "So sorry," exclaims Frodo. "I didn't mean to run into you. Oh, look, you
made me drop my ring. That is the Ring of Power that I am supposed to destroy. [Here Frodo
goes on to reveal loads of information about his quest, which is supposed to be strictly
confidential.] Hey! Who are you, anyway?"
"I – I, think you knocked the… HH – windoutamie," Picard says laboriously.
"Oh, hi Mr. Windoutamie, I am Frodo Baggins from the Shire!" Frodo says brightly. "Come on
and I will take you to Faramir. Oh no. See what your stupid starship did? Now they are all
running around and screaming. Nice going, Mr. Windoutamie. Just a second, I will get things
straightened out." And with that, he runs off to try and round everybody up.
* * *
Several hours later, when the jet fuel (how did that get here?) is all un-combusted and everyone
is safely in the caves, Frodo gets everybody together in one of the main rooms. "Faramir, I
would like you to meet my new friend, Mr. Windoutamie," Frodo says.
"M-my name… is *cough* Picard," Picard wheezes.
"OK, Mr. Windoutamie," says Faramir splendidly, "Welcome to Minas – welcome to – Minas –
Min – oh @#$%, I never get the stupid name right. Welcome to Minas Cave. Where are you
from?"
"I am the captain on the starship Enterprise. I have come to Middle Earth in the name of the
Federation, to inspect the strange laughing noises the satellites are picking up. My crew was los
– "
"Laughing noises?" says Faramir.
"As I was saying, my crew was lost in a strange crash. No bodies. They vanished without a
trace. I have no idea where they are. Without them I cannot repair my ship, and am thus
doomed to stay on Middle Earth forever! Wah – hah – hah!" Picard starts weeping inconsolably.
"Well that is such a shame," Faramir simpers. "Now what about these laughing noises you have
been hearing?"
"Here. Hear them yourself," Picard responds after suddenly getting a grip. He hands an old
fashioned radio receiver over to Faramir, after turning the volume up a bit.
"What is that thing?" Sam starts to say, but Frodo hushes him.
What they heard next gives them all sudden, sharp pains in their gut, as if they have all just been
hit by cannon balls.
Chapter Three
Captain Picard is standing outside the ruins of his once proud starship. It is too much. He's
down on his knees now, weeping his head off, lamenting his lost and beloved –
Well, actually, it's not quite that bad.
The Enterprise is practically functional. It's the crew that just isn't there.
Ah! If only he had Data at a time like this! Data wouldn't break down on him at a time like this!
Oh, yeah.
Captain Picard is furious once again. @#$% the stupid Federation! His entire crew was lost!
Then it hits him like a cannon ball.
His crew could still be alive! The ship has not disintegrated! The crew is just nowhere to be
found. There are no bodies, nothing. In all likelihood –
They have been captured. But by whom?
Captain Picard is deep in thought. So deep in thought that he doesn't notice the hordes of people
running over the hill. He doesn't notice anything.
And then it hits him like a cannon ball.
Picard doubles over. "So sorry," exclaims Frodo. "I didn't mean to run into you. Oh, look, you
made me drop my ring. That is the Ring of Power that I am supposed to destroy. [Here Frodo
goes on to reveal loads of information about his quest, which is supposed to be strictly
confidential.] Hey! Who are you, anyway?"
"I – I, think you knocked the… HH – windoutamie," Picard says laboriously.
"Oh, hi Mr. Windoutamie, I am Frodo Baggins from the Shire!" Frodo says brightly. "Come on
and I will take you to Faramir. Oh no. See what your stupid starship did? Now they are all
running around and screaming. Nice going, Mr. Windoutamie. Just a second, I will get things
straightened out." And with that, he runs off to try and round everybody up.
* * *
Several hours later, when the jet fuel (how did that get here?) is all un-combusted and everyone
is safely in the caves, Frodo gets everybody together in one of the main rooms. "Faramir, I
would like you to meet my new friend, Mr. Windoutamie," Frodo says.
"M-my name… is *cough* Picard," Picard wheezes.
"OK, Mr. Windoutamie," says Faramir splendidly, "Welcome to Minas – welcome to – Minas –
Min – oh @#$%, I never get the stupid name right. Welcome to Minas Cave. Where are you
from?"
"I am the captain on the starship Enterprise. I have come to Middle Earth in the name of the
Federation, to inspect the strange laughing noises the satellites are picking up. My crew was los
– "
"Laughing noises?" says Faramir.
"As I was saying, my crew was lost in a strange crash. No bodies. They vanished without a
trace. I have no idea where they are. Without them I cannot repair my ship, and am thus
doomed to stay on Middle Earth forever! Wah – hah – hah!" Picard starts weeping inconsolably.
"Well that is such a shame," Faramir simpers. "Now what about these laughing noises you have
been hearing?"
"Here. Hear them yourself," Picard responds after suddenly getting a grip. He hands an old
fashioned radio receiver over to Faramir, after turning the volume up a bit.
"What is that thing?" Sam starts to say, but Frodo hushes him.
What they heard next gives them all sudden, sharp pains in their gut, as if they have all just been
hit by cannon balls.