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California,
April 1988
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Toby slowly walked up the stairs with the tray with food. Everything seemed so much harder now. A simple thing like walking up the stairs felt like he was climbing Mount Everest. Every morning when he woke up and realized it all wasn't just a bad dream he got out of bed and down in the living room and watched pictures of Haley and pictures from the ultrasound of their unborn baby. In the beginning he had tried to search comfort in CJ, but she had changed dramatically. He didn't recognize her anymore.
He sat down the tray on the nightstand and then he sat down on the bed next to her. He gently brushed her cheek and put a stray of hair behind her ear.
"Claude? Can you wake up for me, please?"
CJ slowly opened her eyes but closed them again. She turned so her back was facing him. Toby looked down and sighed.
"Claude? Can't you just eat a little?"
When she didn't answer he left her alone. He walked downstairs and watched the pictures again. It was all he had left. He took out a bottle of scotch and poured up his first drink.
Later, he heard a ringing sound, but really not. He picked up the phone but the ringing continued. He took another sip of his drink and stumbled towards the door.
"David," he said quietly. "How nice of you to come and visit."
David stepped into the house and closed the door. Without a word he put his arms around Toby. At first he tried to get out of his grip but David was stronger, always had been, and after a moment Toby allowed himself to be comforted.
The next day Toby woke up on the couch. He had a hell of a headache. He looked at the table and saw two glassed and two bottles of scotch. Had CJ finally got out of bed last night and gotten drunk with him?
"So you finally decided to wake up?" A familiar voice asked.
Toby sat up in the couch and smiled slightly at David. "What time is it?"
"Two."
"Where's Claude? I better go and check on her."
David held up his hand. "Don't. Leave her alone for a while."
Toby nodded and sat back against the couch. "When did you arrive last night?"
"Around eight. I felt so bad when I had to leave so quickly after. after the funeral."
Toby shrugged. "I understood why you had to leave, David."
"I wish you two had come out to New York for a while. It would have done you good."
"Probably." He sighed. "Have you talked to Claude?"
"A little," David admitted but Toby knew he wasn't telling him the whole truth.
Toby gently began rubbing his temples. "David, it's okay if she has talked a lot with you. It's okay if she has cried against your shoulder. I'm just happy she's showing some kind of emotions. Some kind of life."
A moment of silence spread in the room.
"She's blaming herself," David suddenly said. "And she doesn't understand why you're staying with her."
"It wasn't her fault!" Toby raised his voice.
"You know that, and I know that, but she doesn't. Toby, you have to make her understand. Whatever it takes."
Later that afternoon David went out shopping groceries for them considering Toby had lived on scotch and cigars lately and CJ on nothing.
Toby slowly walked up the stairs. He didn't know why but today the stairs didn't seem as hard as usual. She was laying on the bed with her eyes closed but Toby knew she wasn't sleeping. He lay down net to her on the bed and took her hand in his. At first she tried to pull back but he didn't let her.
"Claude, can you just listen to me for a while?" He turned to her and put his elbow on the bed and then let his head rest against his hand. "Can you do that for me?"
She closed her eyes briefly but then she nodded. She already had tears in her eyes.
"Claude, I'm not going to leave you. Never. It doesn't matter how much you try to shut me out and it doesn't matter what you say to me. I'm never ever going to leave you."
He looked at her. Her eyes were closed but tears were running down her cheeks.
"I love you, and I always will. Nothing is ever going to change that. And I know that what happened wasn't your fault. The other driver was drunk and he's in jail now. If it had been your fault he wouldn't be there now. Claude, Claudia, please stop blaming yourself. No one else do."
He put his arm around her and she rolled into his embrace. She silently sobbed against his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just. Toby, every day for the rest of my life I will know I killed my children." He began objecting but she put her finger on his mouth. "It doesn't matter what other think or that the other driver is in jail now. What matter is that I know that I killed them. I could have protected them better. And, Toby, I do blame myself because it was my fault. And I understand if you blame me as well. That's okay, Toby, because it's not more than right."
She gently stroked his cheek before turning her back against him, again.
TBC.
Toby slowly walked up the stairs with the tray with food. Everything seemed so much harder now. A simple thing like walking up the stairs felt like he was climbing Mount Everest. Every morning when he woke up and realized it all wasn't just a bad dream he got out of bed and down in the living room and watched pictures of Haley and pictures from the ultrasound of their unborn baby. In the beginning he had tried to search comfort in CJ, but she had changed dramatically. He didn't recognize her anymore.
He sat down the tray on the nightstand and then he sat down on the bed next to her. He gently brushed her cheek and put a stray of hair behind her ear.
"Claude? Can you wake up for me, please?"
CJ slowly opened her eyes but closed them again. She turned so her back was facing him. Toby looked down and sighed.
"Claude? Can't you just eat a little?"
When she didn't answer he left her alone. He walked downstairs and watched the pictures again. It was all he had left. He took out a bottle of scotch and poured up his first drink.
Later, he heard a ringing sound, but really not. He picked up the phone but the ringing continued. He took another sip of his drink and stumbled towards the door.
"David," he said quietly. "How nice of you to come and visit."
David stepped into the house and closed the door. Without a word he put his arms around Toby. At first he tried to get out of his grip but David was stronger, always had been, and after a moment Toby allowed himself to be comforted.
The next day Toby woke up on the couch. He had a hell of a headache. He looked at the table and saw two glassed and two bottles of scotch. Had CJ finally got out of bed last night and gotten drunk with him?
"So you finally decided to wake up?" A familiar voice asked.
Toby sat up in the couch and smiled slightly at David. "What time is it?"
"Two."
"Where's Claude? I better go and check on her."
David held up his hand. "Don't. Leave her alone for a while."
Toby nodded and sat back against the couch. "When did you arrive last night?"
"Around eight. I felt so bad when I had to leave so quickly after. after the funeral."
Toby shrugged. "I understood why you had to leave, David."
"I wish you two had come out to New York for a while. It would have done you good."
"Probably." He sighed. "Have you talked to Claude?"
"A little," David admitted but Toby knew he wasn't telling him the whole truth.
Toby gently began rubbing his temples. "David, it's okay if she has talked a lot with you. It's okay if she has cried against your shoulder. I'm just happy she's showing some kind of emotions. Some kind of life."
A moment of silence spread in the room.
"She's blaming herself," David suddenly said. "And she doesn't understand why you're staying with her."
"It wasn't her fault!" Toby raised his voice.
"You know that, and I know that, but she doesn't. Toby, you have to make her understand. Whatever it takes."
Later that afternoon David went out shopping groceries for them considering Toby had lived on scotch and cigars lately and CJ on nothing.
Toby slowly walked up the stairs. He didn't know why but today the stairs didn't seem as hard as usual. She was laying on the bed with her eyes closed but Toby knew she wasn't sleeping. He lay down net to her on the bed and took her hand in his. At first she tried to pull back but he didn't let her.
"Claude, can you just listen to me for a while?" He turned to her and put his elbow on the bed and then let his head rest against his hand. "Can you do that for me?"
She closed her eyes briefly but then she nodded. She already had tears in her eyes.
"Claude, I'm not going to leave you. Never. It doesn't matter how much you try to shut me out and it doesn't matter what you say to me. I'm never ever going to leave you."
He looked at her. Her eyes were closed but tears were running down her cheeks.
"I love you, and I always will. Nothing is ever going to change that. And I know that what happened wasn't your fault. The other driver was drunk and he's in jail now. If it had been your fault he wouldn't be there now. Claude, Claudia, please stop blaming yourself. No one else do."
He put his arm around her and she rolled into his embrace. She silently sobbed against his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just. Toby, every day for the rest of my life I will know I killed my children." He began objecting but she put her finger on his mouth. "It doesn't matter what other think or that the other driver is in jail now. What matter is that I know that I killed them. I could have protected them better. And, Toby, I do blame myself because it was my fault. And I understand if you blame me as well. That's okay, Toby, because it's not more than right."
She gently stroked his cheek before turning her back against him, again.
TBC.