Star Trek Meets Lord of the Rings
Chapter 4
The group at Minas Cave is staring intently at the radio receiver. Between random periods of
static they can pick up some evil cackling, and between random bouts of evil cackling they can
pick up a wicked-sounding voice.
Static…. "HAHAHAHA – now they will have to give me the Ring – HAHA – " static…. "Now
that I have hostages, they will never stand a chance! HAHAHA! Those puny mortals, they are
so sentimental, now I will - " static…
You get the idea.
In the last chapter, it was said that the noise from this thing would hit them all like cannon balls.
Well, it does, but in different ways.
For Faramir and Co, it means that Sauron is well enough to be talking, which in itself is not a
good thing for the folks at Minas Tirith and all the other Minas-cities.
For Frodo, it means he's probably going to have a really hard time disposing of the Ring.
For Sam, of course, it means his job as bodyguard is going to become extremely trying.
For Gollum, it probably means that while everybody is so stressed out, he is not going to get his
ration of raw fish.
And for Picard, alias Mr. Windoutamie, it means that he knows where his crew is, and he is
dangerously angry.
"Give me that thing!" he screams, and without waiting for anyone to do so, he snatches it from
the rock Faramir put it on and hooks up a transmitter, which was conveniently residing in his
pocket.
"You fiend!" he yells hoarsely into the transmitter. "Give me back my crew!"
The receiver crackles sharply, and then barks out, "Who is this? Ah, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I
might have known. Put me on the projector."
Picard sighs and pulls out a hologram projector. He mutters something indistinguishable.
"Yeah, yeah, I know it's from Star Wars!" Anoriel shouts irritably.
"And this is Star Trek! How exactly does the hologram projector figure in Star Trek?!" Picard
shouts into the ceiling.
"It figures because I say so! You don't want it, you can write this story!" Anoriel shouts back
down.
"Oh, fine," Picard mumbles, and presses the ON button on the projector. A blue image slowly
flickers into being.
The room draws a collective gasp. "Ooh, a palantir," Faramir says hungrily.
"Uh, yeah, sort of," Picard responds. Then the figure of Sauron materializes in the haze of blue.
"Hello, chaps," says Sauron amiably. "Are you ready to negotiate?"
"Just give me my crew back, you barbarian."
"We'll get to that later," Sauron says more seriously, "first we deal with this Ring of mine."
Then he emits a long evil cacophony of laughter. "MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!"
Frodo is cowering in the corner.
So is Gollum.
"Master will protect Smeagol, yes?" Gollum whimpers to Frodo.
Frodo whimpers unintelligibly back.
"Here are my terms," Sauron continues after wiping away his tears of laughter. "I get the Ring,
and Picard, you get your crew back, and have to obey me for the rest of your career; and as for
you," here he gestures to the remainder of the assembly, "all of you can become my loyal, evil
subjects and have your life spared by me. Is it a deal?"
"NO!" cries Picard.
"Hey, I thought it sounded good," complains Faramir.
"Who cares about you," says Picard. "I don't want to have to obey him for the rest of my career!
It would be – um – demeaning!"
"Oh, fine," grumbles Faramir.
"So you have chosen death," Sauron says, in a voice quite reminiscent of Saruman. "Oh, well,
too bad for you," he says brightly, and flickers off the hologram projector.
"Can I put this away now?" Picard gripes to the ceiling.
"Yeah, whatever. Just shut up and do your job," replies Anoriel.
Picard puts away the projector. "I guess that settles it," he says. "Any questions?"
"Yeah, Mr. Windoutamie," says Sam, "why did he call you Captain Jean-Luc Picard?"
"Because that is my name," says Picard impatiently.
"OK, Mr. Windoutamie."
"Any more questions?" sighs Picard.
Nobody says anything.
"Alright then, now to plans," says Picard, considerably more cheerfully.
* * *
OK, next chapter: the plans! Well, duh.
Until then, please keep reviewing!
~ Anoriel
Chapter 4
The group at Minas Cave is staring intently at the radio receiver. Between random periods of
static they can pick up some evil cackling, and between random bouts of evil cackling they can
pick up a wicked-sounding voice.
Static…. "HAHAHAHA – now they will have to give me the Ring – HAHA – " static…. "Now
that I have hostages, they will never stand a chance! HAHAHA! Those puny mortals, they are
so sentimental, now I will - " static…
You get the idea.
In the last chapter, it was said that the noise from this thing would hit them all like cannon balls.
Well, it does, but in different ways.
For Faramir and Co, it means that Sauron is well enough to be talking, which in itself is not a
good thing for the folks at Minas Tirith and all the other Minas-cities.
For Frodo, it means he's probably going to have a really hard time disposing of the Ring.
For Sam, of course, it means his job as bodyguard is going to become extremely trying.
For Gollum, it probably means that while everybody is so stressed out, he is not going to get his
ration of raw fish.
And for Picard, alias Mr. Windoutamie, it means that he knows where his crew is, and he is
dangerously angry.
"Give me that thing!" he screams, and without waiting for anyone to do so, he snatches it from
the rock Faramir put it on and hooks up a transmitter, which was conveniently residing in his
pocket.
"You fiend!" he yells hoarsely into the transmitter. "Give me back my crew!"
The receiver crackles sharply, and then barks out, "Who is this? Ah, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I
might have known. Put me on the projector."
Picard sighs and pulls out a hologram projector. He mutters something indistinguishable.
"Yeah, yeah, I know it's from Star Wars!" Anoriel shouts irritably.
"And this is Star Trek! How exactly does the hologram projector figure in Star Trek?!" Picard
shouts into the ceiling.
"It figures because I say so! You don't want it, you can write this story!" Anoriel shouts back
down.
"Oh, fine," Picard mumbles, and presses the ON button on the projector. A blue image slowly
flickers into being.
The room draws a collective gasp. "Ooh, a palantir," Faramir says hungrily.
"Uh, yeah, sort of," Picard responds. Then the figure of Sauron materializes in the haze of blue.
"Hello, chaps," says Sauron amiably. "Are you ready to negotiate?"
"Just give me my crew back, you barbarian."
"We'll get to that later," Sauron says more seriously, "first we deal with this Ring of mine."
Then he emits a long evil cacophony of laughter. "MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!"
Frodo is cowering in the corner.
So is Gollum.
"Master will protect Smeagol, yes?" Gollum whimpers to Frodo.
Frodo whimpers unintelligibly back.
"Here are my terms," Sauron continues after wiping away his tears of laughter. "I get the Ring,
and Picard, you get your crew back, and have to obey me for the rest of your career; and as for
you," here he gestures to the remainder of the assembly, "all of you can become my loyal, evil
subjects and have your life spared by me. Is it a deal?"
"NO!" cries Picard.
"Hey, I thought it sounded good," complains Faramir.
"Who cares about you," says Picard. "I don't want to have to obey him for the rest of my career!
It would be – um – demeaning!"
"Oh, fine," grumbles Faramir.
"So you have chosen death," Sauron says, in a voice quite reminiscent of Saruman. "Oh, well,
too bad for you," he says brightly, and flickers off the hologram projector.
"Can I put this away now?" Picard gripes to the ceiling.
"Yeah, whatever. Just shut up and do your job," replies Anoriel.
Picard puts away the projector. "I guess that settles it," he says. "Any questions?"
"Yeah, Mr. Windoutamie," says Sam, "why did he call you Captain Jean-Luc Picard?"
"Because that is my name," says Picard impatiently.
"OK, Mr. Windoutamie."
"Any more questions?" sighs Picard.
Nobody says anything.
"Alright then, now to plans," says Picard, considerably more cheerfully.
* * *
OK, next chapter: the plans! Well, duh.
Until then, please keep reviewing!
~ Anoriel