Author's Note: An interview, a challenge and two new flatmates. Special thanks to Xanupa Quosigrachist for spelling her last name (and helping with the fic). Rated PG (with apologies for the pub scene).
Disclaimer: We don't own them, nor do we get dirty green stuff for them. They belong to Master Lucas.
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Sarah sighed inwardly as Alex let them into the flat. He was polite enough once he understood that they had called earlier. Gradually he regained consciousness as he showed them blearily around the flat.
It was pretty decent. Each bedroom was spacious and appropriately furnished, if bare. The walls were a uniform white but when Lia hinted that paint might be in order, Alex got a rather scared look in his eyes and pronounced a rather vehement no...Sarah shrugged. At least they could put posters up.
The kitchen was nice, even if the fridge had exactly 12 bottles of beer and one half eaten pastrami sandwich. Liath counted them under her breath so Sarah could hear.
The tour finished up in the living room. Alex motioned for them to sit down on the couch, while he grabbed a chair for himself out of the kitchen. He sat down in it with the back facing them and waited. Liath and Sarah exchanged glances. He just sat there. Finally Sarah decided to speak up.
"Uhm. Alex?" He spoke at the same time.
"Why do you want my flat?" Sarah bit back the sarcastic retort that automatically came to mind and settled for the more mild.
"We need a place to stay while in Edinburgh." She felt Lia suppress a laugh at the pure banality of the statement.
"What do you do?"
"Do?" said Lia. She sounded puzzled. Sarah shot her an annoyed glare. Any normal person would have known what that question meant. They were supposed to be acting normal!
"He means what are our jobs dear?"
"Oh. Right. I'm a writer and Sarah here is a photographer. What's your job?" Her tones were not subdued. Alex stared at Lia, slightly taken aback. It wasn't often his interviewees asked such pointed questions.
"I'm a reporter. What do you write about?" Lia got a malicious grin on her face.
"Living death." Sarah kicked her but it was too late. She sat back and sighed in resignation. They would never get the flat once Lia got going.
"Living death?" Liath let the pause continue, then decided to take pity on him.
"Amnesia. M latest book is about a woman with amnesia and how it effects her life." Alex looked skeptical.
"If you have books published, how come you can't afford your own flat?" Lia rolled her eyes.
"Are you kidding? When has there ever been a writer who made enough in their own life to make ends meet?"
"Michael Critchton or Anne Rice to name a few. How then do you intend to pay for the flat?" Lia frowned, recognizing the trap finally but Sarah saved her.
"Old money. My parents give me a monthly allowance and despite what Lia says, she does make some money off her books."
"All right." Alex marked something down on the notepad he had picked up. He flipped a page then read a question off the paper.
"Hmm...okay, If you had a bear market would you want to buy on margin or sell short?"
They both knew he was talking about the stock market but neither knew the answer. Perhaps one of them should have paid attention in Business & Financing class. Lia decided to bluster it out.
"We don't know and why do you care?" Alex flinched from the answer. Apparently none of his interviewees ever fought back. He grinned for a second but it disappeared as Liath continued.
"Do you know the proper way to prepare fricasseed termites? Or how to spell the longest word in the world? Do you even know the longest word in the world? Do you know Luke Skywalker's call sign when he impersonates a stormtrooper?!" Lia's voice had gotten steadily louder until she was almost shouting at him. Sarah watched the whole scene in amusement. They had most definitely lost the flat but Liath on a tirade was a sight not to be missed.
Abruptly, Liath stopped and relaxed back into her couch. She looked around calmly.
"Does this place have central heating?" she said. Her voice was calm and controlled. There was no sign that she had been overreacting just a moment before. Alex stared at her for a moment, then answered the question.
"This flat has everything."
"Even a rotting corpse under the floorboards?" muttered Sarah to Liath.
"What?!" Apparently she hadn't spoken as low as she thought. Alex was watching her sharply with a hint of fear on his face. It was Liath who decided to ignore this and answer. She smiled maliciously at him.
"She asked if you had a corpse under the floorboards. No self-respecting flat in Edinburgh should be without one. Of course, body parts in the freezer qualify too, though you have to be careful not to mix them with the beef." They watched as the stress drained out of Alex's body. He laughed and grinned boyishly at them.
"Let me guess. You two are serial killers?" Liath grinned back.
"Of course. We've been leaving a trail of bodies across the country in every hostel we have had the joy of visiting." Liath looked slyly at him. "Though you don't need to worry. We don't kill flatmates until were ready to move on."
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Alex watched the two women in front of him with interest. He liked their sense of humor even if it did touch a little too close to homes at times. They would certainly make interesting flatmates.
He hadn't been sure he would like them when he first opened the door. The two had been...not uptight, but not relaxed either. The darker one, Liath, had given up on formality at some point and then both had assumed they wouldn't be getting the rooms. Once they started acting normally, for them at least, he'd found them to be a rather interesting pair. Of course, what he found interesting, others found...well, he could understand why others would turn them down as flatmates.
Alex was sure he could get along with them. However, someone as easily amused as himself would not just accept the two without some sort of test...He felt a grin slowly spread across his face and caught Liath's eye. Sitting next to her, Sarah got a worried look on her face. Liath was grinning back at him. He spoke.
"Just how willing are you two to get this flat?"
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The pub was just down the street - something Sarah was sure Alex had assured before buying the flat. She watched Alex and Lia walk before her, joking and boasting about who would drink the other under the table. Sarah wasn't so sure about the whole thing but she had seen Lia hold her drink before and if it got them the flat...It was acceptable. Well, as long was one of them didn't die of alcohol poisoning before the night was over.
They reached the pub, whose sign proclaimed it The Last Drop with a picture of a man being hung on it. Inside, Alex was greeted like a regular. He declined a seat at the bar and took a table on the floor instead. The woman sat down as Alex obtained a beer for Sarah and a bottle of Vodka with two glasses for the contest. Sarah flipped a coaster over and took out a pen. Liath and Alex were both watching her when she looked up.
"I'd like a record of the night since you two won't remember." They both shrugged.
"Let the game begin," proclaimed Alex. Sarah poured them each a shot then made a tick mark on her coaster.
A bottle and two shots later they were still at it. Sarah didn't even want to think about the number of marks on her coaster and wondered if the two even knew what they were doing anymore. Both were at that stage of drunkenness where nothing really mattered anymore. In fact they were both staring at each other and grinning stupidly. Neither of them showed any sign of going under but Sarah wasn't sure how much longer she could keep them interested in the challenge.
"Lia...Liath! It's your turn." There was no response. Finally Sarah clapped her hands in front of Lia's eyes. With much blinking, Lia broke eye contact and turned her head towards Sarah.
"Did you hear the microwave go off?" Sarah slowly shook her head, keeping an eye on Alex in the hopes he'd collapse.
"No. I didn't. But it's your turn to take a drink," she said slowly, willing Liath to understand. Why had they ever agreed to this contest anyway? No flat was worth this.
Lia took her glass and downed it like water. She stared at it afterwards, as if willing it to be full again.
"Put it down dear." Liath did. Now for the harder part. Alex wasn't half so good a drunk as Lia.
"Aleeex...Alex..." She coaxed him out of his stupor and for a second he actually seemed coherent. He looked her straight in the eye and stated, "I would have given you the flat anyway."
She wasn't sure whether or not to believe him, especially when he broke into hysterical giggles after he said it. She sighed. It was too late to stop now.
"Just drink your shot Alex." Alex nodded enthusiastically and picked up his glass. But instead of drinking it he launched into a drunken soliquy, the kind of which Sarah had heard at least twice from him earlier in the night. The first had been about tax rebates, the second about the advantages of being drunk. This one was destined to top them all.
"Where did all the elephants go?" He began in a singsong voice. "Doo-da! Doo-da! They are playing in the snow, oh the doo-da day. They are eating lots of corn. Doo-da. Doo-daaaaaa! They are playing bells and...TRUMPETS!" By this point he'd managed to climb up on his chair so that he was yelling to the entire pub. Lia was clapping happily, as were some of the other patrons. He looked about he room, grinning wildly. He stopped suddenly, taking a double take at a few nearby drinks.
"Do you see the lizard in that Guinness? When I start seeing cats in drinks I know it's time to sit down!" And with that he fell to the floor and began laughing hysterically. The bartender was eyeing them.
"It's amazing how a drunken man can still manage to hold his glass upright even when he's under the table," Sarah muttered. Not a single drop of Vodka had fallen from his shot, to the utter amusement of the nearest patrons.
"Alex," she said a little more loudly, "Please drink your shot."
He nodded again, sobering slightly. He put his head back and downed the shot. He sighed, mumbling bitterly "I hate this planet..." His face contorted in a sad grimace. "I hate having to tie my...what are they called? Sneakers..." Not a moment later he collapsed into unconsciousness.
Sarah shook her head. Alex was a rather talkative drunk and none of it made sense. She turned to Liath.
"Just one more drink dear and we'll have won." She poured the shot and handed it to her friend.
"Okay," Lia said slowly. "Where is it?"
"In your hand," Sarah replied carefully, hoping that Lia, who was already swaying in her chair, wouldn't collapse quite yet.
"No its not! If it were in my hand, I would know!" Lia slapped her free hand down on the table. "See?"
"Your other hand." Sarah had passed the point of being amused. Lia looked and sure enough there was her shot glass. She downed it as quickly as the one before and turned to grin proudly at Sarah.
"We won," Sarah said, happy the ordeal was over.
"Yeaaah." Liath sounded drowsy. "Yeaaah..." She collapsed.
Sarah stared at her two flatmates and a look of realization spread over her face. She would have to get them home...