song
part 2: fragile
by Lucy
Rating: PG (this section, at least)
Premise: The future? LiRic, mentions of Journey, Liason, and L&L2. Everything up until 1/17 has occurred. The developing relationship between Ric and Elizabeth, with a little bit of intrigue soon to come, all wrapped up in a nice angsty bow. Also look for the returns of . . . Faison? Stefan? Stavros? Not going to tell you, but it'll be interesting.
*
No rest
without love,
no sleep
without dreams.
-- From the poem 'Song' by Allen Ginsberg
*
She had bad dreams that woke her up sometimes, dreams so bad that she thought sometimes that she would never wake up. They were dreams of an event she had thought she had gotten over, but then again, she thought she had gotten over a great many things.
Rape. It was an ugly word. Elizabeth Webber had many demons.
The dreams came, but she awoke thinking about him. Ric. Not about Jason, for once. It had been Jason for months now, but she awoke thinking about Ric. Her studio smelled like oil-based paint, and there was a slight breeze coursing through the open room that she couldn't stop no matter how hard she tried. She wondered vaguely if Ric would like her studio, if he would ever even get the chance to see it. Or if this would all just fizzle out like everything else.
It could be worse, she thought with a snort. It could be Zander.
She stood up and stretched, feeling the coldness on her bare arms and stomach. She had to give Zander more credit than that. He had become a good friend, but anything romantic that had ever existed between them was a result of her own fear, her own weakness. Her own inability to tell Jason what she felt about him. Zander was a mistake, but she did care about him. She wasn't heartless; that was just the mask she felt she had to put on sometimes. It kept her hidden, kept her safe.
She got dressed for the day, cleaned herself, made absolutely sure there was no paint in her hair, even though she was fantasizing about what it would feel like if Ric reached out his hand to her and touched her cheek. Her hand still burned from where he had kissed it last night.
She wondered what Ric Lansing's demons were. Old girlfriends. Family. School. Sins. Old girlfriends. Current girlfriends. Fiancées on the opposite coast. Dead wives. Skeletons in the closet. If she could make him smile, she'd handle all of the demons. Her doomed relationship with Jason had given her that much. She hadn't been able to handle him, but she could handle whatever flew at her head next.
Just as long as Ric didn't tell her that he was in love with Courtney. Or Sarah. She might have to take Jason's bat to his head if he said that. But then she might mess up his pretty face. And she'd feel bad. It wasn't like he had ever made her any promises. All they had up until now was stolen looks-he had asked her out last night, though, hadn't he? Or had that been something else altogether?
She finished primping in the mirror, letting her hair loose around her shoulders. She looked cute, but . . . natural. She had on less make-up than she normally wore. Why the change, Elizabeth? she asked herself, but her own eyes in the mirror had no answers besides the obvious.
She didn't want to play any games with Ric.
She wanted to do this the right way.
Even if it meant making the first move.
At some point, she had to say goodbye to the man she had held onto for three years, to both of the men she had held onto. All she was doing was limiting herself. She had given them their chances, time and again, but the time was now to say no more. She was going to go after what she wanted, and she was going to get it. The world was going to be a different place. She tossed herself a smile in the mirror and then she grabbed her bag and turned and left the studio.
*
She sat on the dock, waiting for her shift to begin, and she thought, obsessed about all of the things that had ever happened here, particularly those that had occurred recently. It was all still so raw, and she could remember the way she felt about Jason, but she couldn't actually feel it. The morning after she had practically ripped off his clothing-and the morning after he had been willing to rip off hers-they had run into each other here.
"So, we can be friends?"
"I thought we already were."
"And you can take me out on your bike?"
"Anytime you want. "
And when was the last time she had gone on his bike? When was the last time he had offered?
And Zander. A lot of the Zander stuff had happened on the docks. Her world was so small, just a tiny bubble; she and Lucky had gone to New York City, but that was about the extent. What had happened to her dreams? When had she let go of the desire to be an artist? When had she started letting other people rule her life, make her afraid to do the things she loved?
Jason, under the pretense of letting her be independent, had only been stifling her.
She could see that now, in the clear, remorseless light of day. It seemed so clear. He would always be one of the people she cared about the most, one of her best friends, just like Lucky, and maybe one day, they would rebuild that friendship, but there was no place for Jason Morgan in her life. Even if she had done all she could to convince him otherwise.
"Elizabeth?" she heard, and she jumped, hoping, praying it was Ric. She looked up to see Nikolas standing on the stairs leading down to the dock. Her heart could resume its normal pace of beating.
"Oh, hi, Nikolas," she said to him.
"You don't have to sound that disappointed," he joked, coming down the stairs. He had on a long trenchcoat, black leather gloves, scarf around his neck. If she squinted, she could imagine he was Ric.
Don't get pathetic, she warned herself.
"No, I was just-thinking," she said with a smile. "So, stranger, where have you been?"
He half-grimaced as he sat down next to her and looked out past the dock, past the water, to something else. Nikolas was always looking for something bigger. She remembered him being so kind to her after Lucky disappeared, so patient.
"Sometimes I dream it over and over in the same night."
"Do you know where you're dancing? Are you at a party?"
"I'm not sure. It's out in the open, maybe a garden. We were so happy. There's this table and I go over to it. I only look away from Lucky for one second and I turn back and he's gone. I've tried to dream it another way, but."
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth."
"When we dance it's so real. I can hear him breathing. I can feel his heartbeat. But why do I turn away from him? If I could only remember not to turn away."
But she had turned away. From Nikolas, from Jason. All for Lucky. She wasn't going to turn away from another person because of a man who was never going to come through for her like she needed him to.
"There have been some problems with Zander. Gia's been-really . . . helpful," Nikolas said to her, not looking at her. Elizabeth could see the concern on his face, not for Zander, but for Gia. Elizabeth had lost him when Gia came along, but at least he was happy. That was important to her. And Zander had once been happy-with Emily. Life had gotten in the way of that, like it had gotten in the way of most things.
She didn't even bother to ask what the problems were with Zander. At this point, the only person who could help Zander was Zander himself.
"You look sad, Elizabeth," Nikolas said, turning to look at her.
She smiled. "I think that for the first time, I'm not sad." She stood up, pulling her bag over her shoulder. "I have to go to work, but could we- maybe we could get together sometime? For coffee?"
"Yeah," he said. "I'd like that."
*
She walked out of the backroom at Kelly's towards the end of her shift, breathing easily, suddenly beginning to enjoy the day, knowing that things were looking up for her. She hadn't seen Ric all day, which worried her, but she knew that if he made plans, he would stick to them.
Then jealousy reared its ugly head as she saw Ric seated at a table with none other than the formidable Carly Corinthos, head demon herself. Elizabeth sweeped by airily, putting on the pretension of not caring, not noticing.
Ric didn't even notice her.
It stung, as though he was supposed to be riveted to her as soon as she entered a room. As though he wasn't allowed to have female friends. He had his back to the register, and Elizabeth watched Carly, watched her smug little come-hither pout, watched as Carly put her delicate little hands on Ric's arm. Somebody was flirting, and Elizabeth was putting her money on the married woman.
Then she realized something. She had no claims over Ric, nothing. And more than anything, Carly, wife of Sonny, flirting with another man was just funny. She felt herself smiling. She was going to have to tease him about it.
She went to the table, pad in hand, and she smiled at Carly amiably, and she smiled at Ric as he looked up at her, that slow smile spreading across his face. "Hi," he said softly.
"Hello," she chirped at both of them. "What can I get the two of you today?"
Carly eyed her, clearly sensing the phoniness in her voice. Don't even try it, Elizabeth wanted to say. I perfected this back when you were trying to pass of one man's baby as another.
Back when she was Lizzie Webber. She wasn't that person anymore, but she kept Lizzie kept in a safe place and brought her back out on people like Carly. And Courtney.
"I'd like some hot chocolate," Ric said to her, grinning. Elizabeth couldn't help smiling.
"And for you, Carly?"
"A coffee," Carly snapped. "And be quick about it; we're discussing important issues here."
Elizabeth didn't bother to comment about what coffee had to do with the discussion of important issues. She just smiled at Ric and turned away from the table.
*
Courtney came in for the shift changeover, and as Elizabeth saw her come in the door, blond hair flying behind her, she pulled off her apron and set it on the counter. She wasn't about to give the girl a chance to back out of her shift.
"Elizabeth, I have a-" she immediately started, but Elizabeth cut her off with a wave of her hand.
"Don't try it. I have plans," she interrupted. She didn't even know if that was true at this point. Ric was still seated at the table with Carly, engrossed in some obviously very interesting conversation, and he hadn't even talked to her. The most contact they had was when his hand had brushed hers as he took the hot chocolate from her.
She wondered if he noticed that she had forgotten to put a band-aid on.
"But the trial-" Courtney tried again, but Elizabeth was not going to be swayed.
"Listen, you want to be Jason's girlfriend, you have to take a lesson from Carly over there. Your being at the trial is only going to cause problems. And working for a couple of seconds is not going to kill you, okay?"
Courtney stopped completely and looked at Elizabeth with something in her eyes, something akin to respect, but it may have been closer to unabashed hatred. That was fine by Elizabeth. Somehow, she would find a way to go on without Courtney Quartermaine in her life. Courtney, the poor man's Carly.
"Fine," Courtney almost snapped, the Barbie-mask almost slipping.
Elizabeth just blinked at her, unfazed. She turned and went into the back to get her belongings; if Ric wanted to do something, he would have to figure out how to get in touch with her. As she came out of the back, jacket and bag in tow, she stopped as she saw Ric at the counter, two mugs in hand, one that had formerly held coffee, and the other that had been home to hot chocolate.
She couldn't help smiling.
"I was helping," he told her. "I didn't want to risk you cutting your hand again."
"I think I could have handled two mugs," she said, smiling.
He grinned, and he said, "Well, I noticed you didn't put a band-aid on. You told me you were going to."
"I was being a rebel. I was daring infection to come."
She could feel the coolness of Courtney's gaze on her, and she didn't care. Let her tell Jason what she would. Let her tell Jason that she was a slut, that she was using Ric to get back at them.
Jason, who had been her friend before he had been anything else, would know better.
And it didn't matter anyway. This wasn't about Jason and Elizabeth. This wasn't about Courtney and Jason. This wasn't about Courtney and Elizabeth.
It was only about Ric and Elizabeth.
"So that was cozy over there," she said to Ric, smiling. "I could definitely feel the heat from the table."
"Oh, right," he said. "Because I find mobster's wives really attractive. Especially cold, vicious ones."
"Well, you never know. I don't know you all that well, and although I thought you were a person with good taste, I could have been wrong," she teased him.
"I think I have excellent taste," he said, that grin at the corner of his lips.
"The jury's still out on that one."
They just looked at each other for a minute, smiling, but their reverie was interrupted by Courtney pushing past her. Ric looked at the blonde, and then he looked back at Elizabeth. "Do you suppose she has some pent-up aggressions?"
"I think she has some pent-up deep-rooted mental problems," she replied, chuckling. "So what were you and Carly talking about for so long?"
"Do you want to see?" he asked her.
Her heart suddenly began beating. You've gotta stop, Elizabeth, she told herself. It's like you're . . . .
She didn't let her brain go there.
"See what?"
"What we were talking about. Come on, it's right downstairs."
He put out his hand for her to take, and she looked down at it and then she looked up at him. She felt vulnerable with him, but at the same time, she felt empowered. He wouldn't hurt her, she knew, not intentionally. But wasn't that always the story.
Take a chance, Elizabeth.
And she did. She placed her pale hand into his, and he lead her around the counter, and they headed into the basement of Kelly's.
To be continued . . .
"'cause I'm fragile when I hear your name
Fragile when you call
This could be the nearest thing to love
And I'm fragile when I hear you speak
Fragile feeling small
This could be the closest thing to love."
-- 'Fragile' by Kylie Minogue
by Lucy
Rating: PG (this section, at least)
Premise: The future? LiRic, mentions of Journey, Liason, and L&L2. Everything up until 1/17 has occurred. The developing relationship between Ric and Elizabeth, with a little bit of intrigue soon to come, all wrapped up in a nice angsty bow. Also look for the returns of . . . Faison? Stefan? Stavros? Not going to tell you, but it'll be interesting.
*
No rest
without love,
no sleep
without dreams.
-- From the poem 'Song' by Allen Ginsberg
*
She had bad dreams that woke her up sometimes, dreams so bad that she thought sometimes that she would never wake up. They were dreams of an event she had thought she had gotten over, but then again, she thought she had gotten over a great many things.
Rape. It was an ugly word. Elizabeth Webber had many demons.
The dreams came, but she awoke thinking about him. Ric. Not about Jason, for once. It had been Jason for months now, but she awoke thinking about Ric. Her studio smelled like oil-based paint, and there was a slight breeze coursing through the open room that she couldn't stop no matter how hard she tried. She wondered vaguely if Ric would like her studio, if he would ever even get the chance to see it. Or if this would all just fizzle out like everything else.
It could be worse, she thought with a snort. It could be Zander.
She stood up and stretched, feeling the coldness on her bare arms and stomach. She had to give Zander more credit than that. He had become a good friend, but anything romantic that had ever existed between them was a result of her own fear, her own weakness. Her own inability to tell Jason what she felt about him. Zander was a mistake, but she did care about him. She wasn't heartless; that was just the mask she felt she had to put on sometimes. It kept her hidden, kept her safe.
She got dressed for the day, cleaned herself, made absolutely sure there was no paint in her hair, even though she was fantasizing about what it would feel like if Ric reached out his hand to her and touched her cheek. Her hand still burned from where he had kissed it last night.
She wondered what Ric Lansing's demons were. Old girlfriends. Family. School. Sins. Old girlfriends. Current girlfriends. Fiancées on the opposite coast. Dead wives. Skeletons in the closet. If she could make him smile, she'd handle all of the demons. Her doomed relationship with Jason had given her that much. She hadn't been able to handle him, but she could handle whatever flew at her head next.
Just as long as Ric didn't tell her that he was in love with Courtney. Or Sarah. She might have to take Jason's bat to his head if he said that. But then she might mess up his pretty face. And she'd feel bad. It wasn't like he had ever made her any promises. All they had up until now was stolen looks-he had asked her out last night, though, hadn't he? Or had that been something else altogether?
She finished primping in the mirror, letting her hair loose around her shoulders. She looked cute, but . . . natural. She had on less make-up than she normally wore. Why the change, Elizabeth? she asked herself, but her own eyes in the mirror had no answers besides the obvious.
She didn't want to play any games with Ric.
She wanted to do this the right way.
Even if it meant making the first move.
At some point, she had to say goodbye to the man she had held onto for three years, to both of the men she had held onto. All she was doing was limiting herself. She had given them their chances, time and again, but the time was now to say no more. She was going to go after what she wanted, and she was going to get it. The world was going to be a different place. She tossed herself a smile in the mirror and then she grabbed her bag and turned and left the studio.
*
She sat on the dock, waiting for her shift to begin, and she thought, obsessed about all of the things that had ever happened here, particularly those that had occurred recently. It was all still so raw, and she could remember the way she felt about Jason, but she couldn't actually feel it. The morning after she had practically ripped off his clothing-and the morning after he had been willing to rip off hers-they had run into each other here.
"So, we can be friends?"
"I thought we already were."
"And you can take me out on your bike?"
"Anytime you want. "
And when was the last time she had gone on his bike? When was the last time he had offered?
And Zander. A lot of the Zander stuff had happened on the docks. Her world was so small, just a tiny bubble; she and Lucky had gone to New York City, but that was about the extent. What had happened to her dreams? When had she let go of the desire to be an artist? When had she started letting other people rule her life, make her afraid to do the things she loved?
Jason, under the pretense of letting her be independent, had only been stifling her.
She could see that now, in the clear, remorseless light of day. It seemed so clear. He would always be one of the people she cared about the most, one of her best friends, just like Lucky, and maybe one day, they would rebuild that friendship, but there was no place for Jason Morgan in her life. Even if she had done all she could to convince him otherwise.
"Elizabeth?" she heard, and she jumped, hoping, praying it was Ric. She looked up to see Nikolas standing on the stairs leading down to the dock. Her heart could resume its normal pace of beating.
"Oh, hi, Nikolas," she said to him.
"You don't have to sound that disappointed," he joked, coming down the stairs. He had on a long trenchcoat, black leather gloves, scarf around his neck. If she squinted, she could imagine he was Ric.
Don't get pathetic, she warned herself.
"No, I was just-thinking," she said with a smile. "So, stranger, where have you been?"
He half-grimaced as he sat down next to her and looked out past the dock, past the water, to something else. Nikolas was always looking for something bigger. She remembered him being so kind to her after Lucky disappeared, so patient.
"Sometimes I dream it over and over in the same night."
"Do you know where you're dancing? Are you at a party?"
"I'm not sure. It's out in the open, maybe a garden. We were so happy. There's this table and I go over to it. I only look away from Lucky for one second and I turn back and he's gone. I've tried to dream it another way, but."
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth."
"When we dance it's so real. I can hear him breathing. I can feel his heartbeat. But why do I turn away from him? If I could only remember not to turn away."
But she had turned away. From Nikolas, from Jason. All for Lucky. She wasn't going to turn away from another person because of a man who was never going to come through for her like she needed him to.
"There have been some problems with Zander. Gia's been-really . . . helpful," Nikolas said to her, not looking at her. Elizabeth could see the concern on his face, not for Zander, but for Gia. Elizabeth had lost him when Gia came along, but at least he was happy. That was important to her. And Zander had once been happy-with Emily. Life had gotten in the way of that, like it had gotten in the way of most things.
She didn't even bother to ask what the problems were with Zander. At this point, the only person who could help Zander was Zander himself.
"You look sad, Elizabeth," Nikolas said, turning to look at her.
She smiled. "I think that for the first time, I'm not sad." She stood up, pulling her bag over her shoulder. "I have to go to work, but could we- maybe we could get together sometime? For coffee?"
"Yeah," he said. "I'd like that."
*
She walked out of the backroom at Kelly's towards the end of her shift, breathing easily, suddenly beginning to enjoy the day, knowing that things were looking up for her. She hadn't seen Ric all day, which worried her, but she knew that if he made plans, he would stick to them.
Then jealousy reared its ugly head as she saw Ric seated at a table with none other than the formidable Carly Corinthos, head demon herself. Elizabeth sweeped by airily, putting on the pretension of not caring, not noticing.
Ric didn't even notice her.
It stung, as though he was supposed to be riveted to her as soon as she entered a room. As though he wasn't allowed to have female friends. He had his back to the register, and Elizabeth watched Carly, watched her smug little come-hither pout, watched as Carly put her delicate little hands on Ric's arm. Somebody was flirting, and Elizabeth was putting her money on the married woman.
Then she realized something. She had no claims over Ric, nothing. And more than anything, Carly, wife of Sonny, flirting with another man was just funny. She felt herself smiling. She was going to have to tease him about it.
She went to the table, pad in hand, and she smiled at Carly amiably, and she smiled at Ric as he looked up at her, that slow smile spreading across his face. "Hi," he said softly.
"Hello," she chirped at both of them. "What can I get the two of you today?"
Carly eyed her, clearly sensing the phoniness in her voice. Don't even try it, Elizabeth wanted to say. I perfected this back when you were trying to pass of one man's baby as another.
Back when she was Lizzie Webber. She wasn't that person anymore, but she kept Lizzie kept in a safe place and brought her back out on people like Carly. And Courtney.
"I'd like some hot chocolate," Ric said to her, grinning. Elizabeth couldn't help smiling.
"And for you, Carly?"
"A coffee," Carly snapped. "And be quick about it; we're discussing important issues here."
Elizabeth didn't bother to comment about what coffee had to do with the discussion of important issues. She just smiled at Ric and turned away from the table.
*
Courtney came in for the shift changeover, and as Elizabeth saw her come in the door, blond hair flying behind her, she pulled off her apron and set it on the counter. She wasn't about to give the girl a chance to back out of her shift.
"Elizabeth, I have a-" she immediately started, but Elizabeth cut her off with a wave of her hand.
"Don't try it. I have plans," she interrupted. She didn't even know if that was true at this point. Ric was still seated at the table with Carly, engrossed in some obviously very interesting conversation, and he hadn't even talked to her. The most contact they had was when his hand had brushed hers as he took the hot chocolate from her.
She wondered if he noticed that she had forgotten to put a band-aid on.
"But the trial-" Courtney tried again, but Elizabeth was not going to be swayed.
"Listen, you want to be Jason's girlfriend, you have to take a lesson from Carly over there. Your being at the trial is only going to cause problems. And working for a couple of seconds is not going to kill you, okay?"
Courtney stopped completely and looked at Elizabeth with something in her eyes, something akin to respect, but it may have been closer to unabashed hatred. That was fine by Elizabeth. Somehow, she would find a way to go on without Courtney Quartermaine in her life. Courtney, the poor man's Carly.
"Fine," Courtney almost snapped, the Barbie-mask almost slipping.
Elizabeth just blinked at her, unfazed. She turned and went into the back to get her belongings; if Ric wanted to do something, he would have to figure out how to get in touch with her. As she came out of the back, jacket and bag in tow, she stopped as she saw Ric at the counter, two mugs in hand, one that had formerly held coffee, and the other that had been home to hot chocolate.
She couldn't help smiling.
"I was helping," he told her. "I didn't want to risk you cutting your hand again."
"I think I could have handled two mugs," she said, smiling.
He grinned, and he said, "Well, I noticed you didn't put a band-aid on. You told me you were going to."
"I was being a rebel. I was daring infection to come."
She could feel the coolness of Courtney's gaze on her, and she didn't care. Let her tell Jason what she would. Let her tell Jason that she was a slut, that she was using Ric to get back at them.
Jason, who had been her friend before he had been anything else, would know better.
And it didn't matter anyway. This wasn't about Jason and Elizabeth. This wasn't about Courtney and Jason. This wasn't about Courtney and Elizabeth.
It was only about Ric and Elizabeth.
"So that was cozy over there," she said to Ric, smiling. "I could definitely feel the heat from the table."
"Oh, right," he said. "Because I find mobster's wives really attractive. Especially cold, vicious ones."
"Well, you never know. I don't know you all that well, and although I thought you were a person with good taste, I could have been wrong," she teased him.
"I think I have excellent taste," he said, that grin at the corner of his lips.
"The jury's still out on that one."
They just looked at each other for a minute, smiling, but their reverie was interrupted by Courtney pushing past her. Ric looked at the blonde, and then he looked back at Elizabeth. "Do you suppose she has some pent-up aggressions?"
"I think she has some pent-up deep-rooted mental problems," she replied, chuckling. "So what were you and Carly talking about for so long?"
"Do you want to see?" he asked her.
Her heart suddenly began beating. You've gotta stop, Elizabeth, she told herself. It's like you're . . . .
She didn't let her brain go there.
"See what?"
"What we were talking about. Come on, it's right downstairs."
He put out his hand for her to take, and she looked down at it and then she looked up at him. She felt vulnerable with him, but at the same time, she felt empowered. He wouldn't hurt her, she knew, not intentionally. But wasn't that always the story.
Take a chance, Elizabeth.
And she did. She placed her pale hand into his, and he lead her around the counter, and they headed into the basement of Kelly's.
To be continued . . .
"'cause I'm fragile when I hear your name
Fragile when you call
This could be the nearest thing to love
And I'm fragile when I hear you speak
Fragile feeling small
This could be the closest thing to love."
-- 'Fragile' by Kylie Minogue