Disclaimer: If I owned anything remotely interesting related to Tolkien or his world, would I really be here writing fan fiction? No, I'd be raking in the dough. So you can assume that I own nothing other than my dog-eared copies of the Silmarillion, the Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Unfinished Tales.

The Tolkien Conspiracy

or

The Spider House Rules

author's little yellow sticky post-it note: The Spider House Rules are rules set down by my husband for "our" (and when I say our, I mean all the Loyal Legolas Lovers of the world) Legolas.

Chapter 1

Rule #1: Under no circumstances should you leave the Spider House when she is awake. Unless you have to go for a wee. Then do it in the flowerbed and get back in!

I could not sleep. For what reason, I wasn't sure. Usually, I stayed up way into the early hours of the morning, 5 or 6 am, and then slept till 1 or 2 p.m. For some reason, on this particular morning I could not sleep. I like to sleep so needless to say, I was being pissy. Not to anyone in particular, as no one was home, but I did find myself shouting at the computer more than usual. Of late, it had decided not to load things properly and to do a lot of crashing when in the middle of a game. I found myself, at 8 am, not asleep, hearing the lady next door yelling "SAM!!!! SAM!!!!" but not being sent into pleasant dreams of hobbits. I missed my morning dose of wide-eyed Frodo and chubby-cheeked Sam riding to Mordor on the back of a ferret named Chester. My dreams are odd, yet entertaining. I decided after listening to her scream for Sam the dog for fifteen minutes that I was awake and staying that way. I had better find something to do.

Being awake at this time of the morning was unfamiliar to me. It was cold and dreary as are all English mornings it seems to me. I considered watching television but felt that that would be the same as spending the whole day on the computer- completely lazy. So I decided to clean. Taking one look at the living room made me think better of it though. It could not have looked worse had Melkor himself decided to have a Balrog Training Session in the middle of my front room. I shook my head and made my way to the kitchen. The kitten was sat in front of the cat flap (which we keep locked so she can't get out) staring into the backyard.

"You know Dizzy. I wish I knew what kept you so enthralled that you can sit in front of that little window and stare for hours and hours." I said petting her. And turning to the sink. I then saw in the window above the sink what kept my cat so 'enthralled'. Staring back at me with clear, albeit surprised eyes, was a man. The man was NOT Chris so...I panicked.

"OI!!! Get the hell out of my backyard or I'm calling the police!" I screamed.

He started shaking his head and saying something but I wasn't going to stand around and listen to him. I dashed to the phone to call a real man to get rid of the girly haired, pervert who was looking in my kitchen window. I picked up the phone and put it to my ear.

"Just my luck, some freak outside my window, most likely wanting to rape and strangle me and leave me for dead and I leave the internet on upstairs." I thought to myself getting that lovely crunchy-scraping sound of the modem. I looked back at the window. The creep was still there...looking oddly familiar.

"You must really have some balls to just sit there. I'm calling the police!" I screamed at him getting my mobile phone from my purse.

"I know, you've just said." The man said calmly folding his long arms across his chest and looking at me like I was a child.

"Low batteries." I read allowed to myself. It was going to be one of those days again. I looked back to the window. There he stood, bold as brass, inspecting the back of his hand. I could not believe him. I started to get up to run upstairs and disconnect the internet when my kitten jumped up to the window. He immediately smiled and began talking to her...but not in English. Swedish I had thought. He had the hair for a Swede, didn't he?

"Dizzy is a wonderful animal, she's very loving, although a bit dumb for jumping from that high up window." He said looking up at me.

How he knew my cat's name, I did not know. Maybe he was one of the sicko's that stalk people. Whatever the case, he was freaking me out yet intriguing me at the same time.

"Who the hell are you?" I finally yelled thinking I was being stupid for not having just called the police rather than engage in idle chitchat with this imposter.

Putting his hand over his heart and bowing slightly he answered in a gracious and regal way that even the Queen would've had trouble pulling off.

"Forgive me Lady for startling you so. I am Prince Legolas Greenleaf, Son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood. I am staying in The Spider House. Lord Chris has given me leave to stay there. I am sorry if my presence disturbs you."

He must have noticed the look on my face. Disturbed? Nah. Not me. Of course, it's not everyday you find out your husband is hiding a man in your shed. Not to mention one from such a popular book and movie. Oh wait, not man, Elf.

"This is insane. You stay right where you are. I'll be back." I said and turned to race up the steps. I disconnected from the internet.

Looking at the background of my desktop, I began giggling, for there was Legolas right there on my screen. AND, at my kitchen window. When I had come back down stairs, he was again talking softly to my cat in another language. I then realized that it must have been "Elvish". I shook my head and dialed my husbands work number. As I waited for the call to be directed to his desk I thought about what I was going to say to him. Surely this was all a hallucination brought on by my recent obsession with Lord of the Rings and all things Tolkien. Surely, it's sprung up now because of some traumatic incident when I was 4 where I got lost in a mall and thought that my parents left me. Surely this must be all in my mind.

"Hello?" Chris answered.

I sighed. It was good to hear his voice. He at least, I knew was real.

"Hi. It's me." I said dully.

"Oh hi. What are you doing up so early?" He asked blandly.

"Why does it always sound like you don't want me to be calling you here?" I asked him suddenly. Damn my being insecure.

"Does, it, "He laughed, "sorry.

There was a silence between us as I watched Dizzy become mesmerized by the elf.

"So, did you call me just ask that?" Chris said pulling me back to reality.

"Oh, right, well, I'm a bit nervous." I started. " You see, Legolas Greenleaf is at our kitchen window. Um...I think I may need some therapy." Legolas looked up and smiled when he heard his name. I could only smile back weakly.

"Oh...ok. Well, don't worry, he IS really there. Not hallucinating this time. But, well I'm afraid this is going to take a lot of explaining. Don't worry, he's good people. " He said laughing.

"Um...ok." I said still unsure. We said our good-byes and I went to the back door. I turned the key and opened the door. Immediately Dizzy ran to outside and straight to Legolas. He bent down and gracefully picked her up, crooning to her in Elvish. I did not know what to say, standing there facing a character of fiction. Searching for something appropriate to say to a fictional prince I finally settled on something simple. Something easy, something, very un-American.

"Well Legolas, would you like to come in for some tea."

Surely this must all be in my head.