Disclaimer: If I owned anything remotely interesting related to Tolkien or his world, would I really be here writing fan fiction? No, I'd be raking in the dough. So you can assume that I own nothing other than my dog-eared copies of the Silmarillion, the Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Unfinished Tales.

blob of randomness: I so wanted to write something for ff.net but for some reason now that I'm actually doing it, the ideas are coming few and slow. I suppose half of it is my being self-conscious. All the writers in my "favorite authors" and "favorite stories" lists write SO well, and well, I just feel sort of substandard. I suppose, also, I'm so used to having always been told what to write and now that I have the freedom to write anything I want, I'm finding it more difficult than I thought. Anyway, I suppose, this is more an apology if the chapters take a while. :)

The Tolkien Conspiracy

or

The Spider House Rules

author's little yellow sticky post-it note: The Spider House Rules are rules set down by my husband for "our" (and when I say our, I mean all the Loyal Legolas Lovers of the world) Legolas.

Chapter 2

Rule #2: I don't think it would be wise for you to go into the house. So, don't go in.

"I accept your gracious offer of hospitality." He said stepping through the door.

I didn't know what to do. Surely this was all in my head. Freud would most likely turn over in his grave if he knew I'd just let a hallucination into my house, much less invited him for tea. I watched, slightly horrified at the reality of it all, as my kitten rubbed against his legs, crying for his attention. I shook my head trying to rationalize the fact that why my cat would go to Legolas when she wouldn't come near anyone but my husband and I and generally she ignored us as well.

"Elves are good with cats and animals...and things. They're all...drawn to nature. Like hippies with better hygiene." I began thinking. I suddenly found myself quoting The Neverending Story, a favorite movie from my childhood.

"It's only a story, it's not real. It's only a story!" I said lightly rubbing my temples.

I was abruptly pulled from the ensuing insanity by a soft but well-heard cough. It was the same kind of cough that you got from your Math teacher in tenth grade when you'd fall asleep in the middle of a lecture. A sort of call to attention.

I looked up at Legolas who was standing patiently with a look of slight confusion about his eyes.

"Are you well, Lady?" He asked after a while.

"I'm sorry, I don't actually have any tea. Is Diet Dr. Pepper ok?" I asked not knowing what to say.

***

Trying to explain to an elf what carbonation was was a task all in of itself. Had I been in my right mind, I'd have just given the poor guy some water and then at least all I'd had to explain was why I'd had to put it into a special jug first. I definitely think the Brita Water Filtration system would've been easier than explaining carbon dioxide. I had found out that Chris had given him some periodicals to read to acquaint him with the world today but was told that he didn't understand most of what was said. Apparently he'd given Legolas a Cosmopolitan and an FHM, both with Britney Spears on the cover, a few Computer magazines, and the local paper.

"Great, sex and technology. You'd think he'd thought Legolas was a sixteen year old boy." I thought to myself.

After about fifteen minutes I gave up and decided to move on to easier things. Like, for instance, why he was sitting on my sofa rather than in the forest of Mirkwood. As it turned out he didn't have many answers either. Everything he said just raised more questions in my mind.

"I had just left the Council of Elrond. I had decided that perhaps it would be pleasant to walk among the flowers; to see the gardens. As I made my way to the gardens, I noticed nothing strange or out of place. I would have been able to sense something amiss." He began.

"Naturally, it would be hard for something or someone to sneak up on an Elf." I heard myself saying. I shook my head again. Mental note to self: Elves aren't real.

"Of course. To my amazement, a strangely clad man appeared before me. I was quite taken aback. He seemed to be emitting an ethereal light but I realized when he moved that he he'd just been surrounded by the light, for it did not travel with him. For reasons unknown even to myself, I decided to reach out and try to grasp the light. As I did, the light seemed to surround me and when it had gone, I was face to face with about a dozen men, all of who were clad as the man I saw in Rivendell. Lord Chris, your good husband, was one of them. He was charged with my keeping." Legolas continued slowly making sure I understood. I got the distinct impression he was treating me as he would a child.

I sat for a long time mulling it over. By now the initial shock of having found none other than Legolas Greenleaf living in my shed was starting wear off. And although I was still convinced that I was definitely in need of a good psychiatrist, I began to feel more at ease with talking to this figment of my imagination. Trust Chris's boss to chose Chris to look after Legolas. We only have a one-bedroom house. There's hardly enough room for Chris, the kitten, and I to all be in one room without adding another full grown adult.

"Do they know how they're going to get you back home to Middle Earth?" I finally asked.

"To my knowledge, they do not know how." He said in a way that made me believe he had already considered the possibility of not going back to his native world. I felt sorry for him. Here he was in a land that was foreign to him. Where he was from he was a respected person, known for his wisdom and skills. Here there were only questions for him. It was a bit how I felt when I moved from the US to the UK...only much more drastic, I was sure. He didn't look unhappy. In fact, he looked content to sit on my sofa and talk to my kitten in Elvish for all eternity.

"You know, you don't have to stay in the Spider House. We don't have a guest bedroom but you're welcome to sleep here on the couch at night." I finally said, again, not knowing the right thing to say.

"You are too kind. I couldn't possibly impose-"

"No, I can't imagine even going anywhere close to the Spider House, much less actually going inside. And sleeping in it, well, I'd rather die. I insist. What kind of a host would I be making you sleep out there?"

"Thank you, Lady, you are too kind." He said smiling broadly.

So there we sat for quite a while, not saying anything to each other, not really looking at each other. He busied himself with the kitten and I chewed my lip. I couldn't think of anything to say to a Prince. Especially a Prince of Elves who lived in a world that didn't exist. One would think that there'd be hundreds of questions that a Tolkien fan, such as myself would have to ask. Unfortunately, the only question I could think of was "Do you think I look like a hobbit?" and I decided not to ask that one, as it was more of a self-image issue I had with myself. A good half-hour went by before anything was said. I was trying to figure out how to entertain the elf. How did I entertain myself? TV and Internet, of course.

I decided to let Chris introduce Legolas to the computer later on as he was the software engineer and I would probably just make a fool of myself, as I didn't know much. So I chose television. I decided a movie would be best as it was one story line and I'd thought that if I'd let him watch the news, all he'd hear about is a place called Iraq and how they have "Weapons of Mass Destruction" and how we were on the "Brink of War". Hell, I didn't want to hear about that either so I began looking through my tapes to find something suitable.

Naturally the first tape on the top was none other than the Lord of the Rings. Glancing at the back of the case, I looked at Legolas-well, Orlando Bloom.

"Very close Mr. Jackson, very close." I said nodding my head in approval of the similar appearances of the elf on my sofa and the one on the case.

"What was that, Lady?" I heard from behind me.

"Nothing."

I decided that it wouldn't be wise to show him that movie. I mean, if I read a book or watched a movie that told me what was going to happen to me the rest of my way through life, I'm sure it would leave permanent psychological scars. No, no Lord of the Rings for this Elf. The next movie I came across was Moulin Rouge. Women dancing around in their knickers. Perhaps not. Trainspotting...no not even going to bother. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas? No, he'd think the Grinch was an Orc, and I'd have to explain to him Christmas. And that would lead to explaining Christianity and well, I wasn't exactly the best person to explain organized religion. At the bottom of the drawer, I found what I was looking for. Simple and harmless enough, most of the things in this movie could be dismissed as magic. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

"Legolas, I think you'll like this movie. It's a story of a boy who goes to a wizard's school. " I told him after putting the tape in the VCR.

"Movie?"

"It's people acting out a story. These stories about Harry Potter started out as a book. Then they made them into a movie. Just remember, it's not real." I said. I found myself shaking my head again at the absurdity of what I just said. After all, Tolkien's works were fictions that were made into a movie, just like the Harry Potter books.

"At least I don't think it's real." I said and settled down on the couch to watch a movie with Legolas Greenleaf.