Apologies: I don't know why the damned thing won't load right but everything is at the side now..soooo….it looks odd. I hate it when things aren't symmetrical

Disclaimer: If I owned anything remotely interesting related to Tolkien or his world, would I really be here writing fan fiction? No, I'd be raking in the dough. So you can assume that I own nothing other than my dog-eared copies of the Silmarillion, the Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Unfinished Tales.

The Tolkien Conspiracy

Or

The Spider House Rules

Chapter 4

author's little yellow sticky post-it note: The Spider House Rules are rules set down by my husband for "our" (and when I say our, I mean all the Loyal Legolas Lovers of the world) Legolas.

Rule # 4: No using of weapons anywhere near my house.

For a second there was a look, just a nuance of surprise. It was as if I'd hit the nail square on the head. That look dissipated quickly and was replaced by the nonchalant aloof one that usually occupied the Prince's face.

"I know not of what you speak. Master Frodo and Master Samwise are companions. Master Samwise looks after Master Frodo. I do not know, " he said narrowing his eyes, "of anything going on between them as you say."

He then crossed his arms defensively and looked up to the ceiling as if to say, "The conversation has ended." Unfortunately for him though, I was intrigued. I wasn't going to sit amicably by his side listening to him go on about the proper way to kill trolls when I could be getting the low down and dirty about Middle Earth's Magnificent Nine. First I was going to ask him about Frodo and Sam… and then I was going for the kill; him and Aragorn. Hey, he was my hallucination, the least I could do before they carted me away to the funny farm was have a little fun.

"I reckon, that warriors have some kind of pact. When they go on long perilous journeys they get lonely, need…comfort. So, where better to find it than in the arms of your fellow warrior. When the quest has been fulfilled and everyone goes back to their wives and women folk, the whole matter is forgotten and not spoken of." I said matter-of-factly. That was what I believed anyway.

I was expecting to get another denial. Another incredulous look before a refusal to speak on the matter. At the most, I expected him to explain that he was far too old and wise to let the matters of the flesh distract him on such important journeys.

I got none of these.

I got the Wrath of Legolas.

I was a bit surprised to say the least. I had always imagined Legolas as quite docile. I imagined, as many do, that Elves were more in control of their emotions than we lowly humans were and therefore, not subject to mood swings and the like. I was wrong. He had apparently taken my comment very personally. In my cheeky, sarcastic mood, I had almost said, "You're mad because he chose Arwen over you, aren't you?" but then decided I'd better just keep quiet. For, although he was quite lovely looking glaring at me from across the couch, he was also quite armed.

"How dare you? How dare you? You, who have probably never done one brave thing in your life have the audacity to make assumptions about people who would risk their own lives for the sake of others." He began, gesturing with his hands. He was a gesture-er. It was another thing one wouldn't expect of an Elf. I half expected at any minute to be on the receiving end of one of those arrows he fires with such aplomb.

"You would not understand the burden that being of this fellowship places on all of our shoulders. You- you would have never been chosen to defend your people. You are not a warrior, you do not know honor and you do NOT know my fellow companions." It was true. I didn't know Boromir from Adam and they wouldn't even take me seriously when I went to the Navy recruitment office once to see if I could have them pay for my education, so no, I wouldn't have been chosen to defend my people.. I also didn't know that suggesting that warriors might take comfort in each other's arms would offend him so much. They way I saw it was "to each, his own". Whatever makes you happy…obviously my comment did not make Legolas happy.

"No respect at all. We will be lucky if any of us make it out alive and you make light of the situation." He said, nearly yelling full out. I suppose I could have told him I'd read the book and knew who made it out alive and who didn't but I felt that might cause more problems. "If I was in my own home I could have you executed for far less than what you have said to me."

My eyes immediately searched for the knives Legolas is known to carry as he stood up and began pacing the room like a caged animal.

"Well, that went well." I thought to myself as he shot a look of contempt to where I was still seated on the couch.

What could I do? I'd just offended royalty. I suppose I didn't know the protocol. After all, I am an American.

"Prince Legolas, " I began, choosing my words carefully. Very carefully. "Please excuse my…insensitive words. You and your companions are…heroes. It is an honor for me just to be able to be in you presence.

It must've sounded the same to him as it did to me. Bullshit.

"I am going to the Spider House. I do now wish to bandy words with you." He said with sneer and walked out the back door.

I heard the door of the Spider House slam shut and was a bit relieved. I didn't really think he'd have hurt me but the laws are different in Middle Earth to our world so one can never be too careful. Needless to say, this was going to take some explaining when Chris got home. I'd only been in Legolas's company for a few hours and I'd already offended him. I was just thinking of what story to stick with when I came to a realization.

"Hey! That little Elvish brat never answered my question about Frodo and Sam!!" I stated out loud to myself knowing that he'd probably heard me with his sensitive ears. I smiled silently as the thought of his rage made me secretly pleased with myself.