Shadow
Violets are blue.
Caitlin lay in bed trying to get to sleep. 'Mom what am I going to do I m not who I used to be anymore.' She wondered out loud. So far Dori or Jim hadn't realised what she'd done and she'd intended to keep it that way. They'd be so disappointed with her thinking shed over come her worries. I m far from it a voice reminded her. Deep down Caitlin had knew she'd never really gotten over the death of her mother or what her father had done. Maybe ill never get over it. Caitlin then did something she rarely allowed herself to do. She cried herself to sleep.
* * * * * * *
The next month passed in a daze. Caitlin was furious at herself that she couldn't control her life prop ley. So she'd started to cut herself every so often but she always hid the marks carefully in case anyone picked up on it. But the scars were there as a reminder that she was a failure. That's right what would mum say to this she'd want you to be happy and now iv gone and wreaked every think. But things proved to get worse the cutting became more regular as time went by. Time passed for Caitlin quickly it was only three weeks later that she was beginning to frighten herself. You really have to tell someone you know its not going to get better. Face it you need help. Her heart was beating as she approached Griffin's room. "Griff are you in there" She called he wasn't. Iv really gotta find someone to tell now otherwise I m really gonna go crazy. Luckily for Caitlin he was down watching TV "Griffin" she called. He looked up "yeah what is it" "I need to talk to you" Caitlin began "and before Jim and Dori get home." Griffin gave her a funny look. 'Like you mean now.' Caitlin nodded. "But not here in your room maybe" Griffin stood up "alright ill meet you up there ill just take a shower." Caitlin's throat was too dry to answer so she gave him a quick nod and started up the stairs. She wondered how she was going to tell him this. Okay Caitlin relax girl. okay Griff I have to tell you something really serious I don't know if you've guessed but iv sorta been like hurting myself aren't I crazy. No! Not that you know at Eric's party well I was really pissed off at Taylor and well. "So what did you want to tell me" Griffin interrupted her thoughts. Caitlin jumped. Griffin sat on the bed next to her. "Well its really hard for me to say. Iv changed and Iv been doing things that's really well disappointing as your mum and dad would call it." Griffin laughed. "What'd you do that's so bad."? "I um its complicated" Caitlin stutted. "You what slept with a guy or something" Griffin joked Caitlin could feel the tension ease Slightly as she laughed half-heartedly. "No its nothing like that but its well Iv done something really bad to me sort of." Griffin stared at her not knowing where she was heading with this. "So can you guess what iv done" Caitlin said quietly not daring to look at him. Griffin shook his head. "Not really can you tell me" "Il.Il give you a clue" Caitlin stammered she slowly turned her wrists so they were facing upward towards him. Caitlin couldn't look at him she felt like her heart was going to burst though her chest. "You cut your wrist," he finally said. Caitlin could only nod. "Why didn't you tell us Caitlin" his voice was sympathetic. "I thought you'd be angry and I thought they would send me away." She was sobbing harder now. Griffin could feel his anger rise. Dori and Jim had practically bent over backwards to help her and she wasn't even grateful for all they had done. " I can't believe you Caitlin I really can't." But Caitlin's mind was on that day when it first had happened.
* * * * * * *
I remember the day when I was thirteen like it was over twenty years ago even though I m not quite that old yet it was the day my foster parents yelled at me I mean really yelled at me and from then on I was in their bad books I knocked over my foster dads trophy don't ask me what it was for and it broke of course. He told me Id ruined his Life. That no wonder no one wanted me. I went to my room and pictured my mom When we where together. How I felt so safe with her. How shed died and left me. My fists where so tight the nails cut into my palms and this morning I found little dried-up blood marks on my hands. But I was sort of pleased about that- im not sure why. I wanted to suffer, to feel the pain with her. It was like she'd passed he suffering to me. I don't know.
* * * * * * *
Griffin put a hand on her shoulder "come on let's go downstairs mum and dad are home." "Caitlin, Griff you here." Caitlin's head shot up. Griffin started to pull her towards the door. Caitlin stepped back "Wait Griff your not going to tell them anything are you" Griffin glanced down at the floor. "We have to Caitlin mum and dad would help you they wouldn't be angry they'd be really concerned" Griffin said his voice barley a whisper. Caitlin felt her anger rise "and that's worse I don't want them worried about me." Her voice lowered "can you promise not to tell them please I.. I just can't right now okay" Griffin let out a shaky breath "all right for not but I don't want you running off and cutting yourself or Ill forget the promise and tell mum and dad first thing." Dori appeared at the door "you two all right" Caitlin's tough mask returned "sure don't worry about us." Dori nodded "well were going to a dinner at six. So get ready." Griffin caught her eye as she left the room. Great I suppose everyone from school will be there. Caitlin thought bitterly.
Caitlin lay in bed trying to get to sleep. 'Mom what am I going to do I m not who I used to be anymore.' She wondered out loud. So far Dori or Jim hadn't realised what she'd done and she'd intended to keep it that way. They'd be so disappointed with her thinking shed over come her worries. I m far from it a voice reminded her. Deep down Caitlin had knew she'd never really gotten over the death of her mother or what her father had done. Maybe ill never get over it. Caitlin then did something she rarely allowed herself to do. She cried herself to sleep.
* * * * * * *
The next month passed in a daze. Caitlin was furious at herself that she couldn't control her life prop ley. So she'd started to cut herself every so often but she always hid the marks carefully in case anyone picked up on it. But the scars were there as a reminder that she was a failure. That's right what would mum say to this she'd want you to be happy and now iv gone and wreaked every think. But things proved to get worse the cutting became more regular as time went by. Time passed for Caitlin quickly it was only three weeks later that she was beginning to frighten herself. You really have to tell someone you know its not going to get better. Face it you need help. Her heart was beating as she approached Griffin's room. "Griff are you in there" She called he wasn't. Iv really gotta find someone to tell now otherwise I m really gonna go crazy. Luckily for Caitlin he was down watching TV "Griffin" she called. He looked up "yeah what is it" "I need to talk to you" Caitlin began "and before Jim and Dori get home." Griffin gave her a funny look. 'Like you mean now.' Caitlin nodded. "But not here in your room maybe" Griffin stood up "alright ill meet you up there ill just take a shower." Caitlin's throat was too dry to answer so she gave him a quick nod and started up the stairs. She wondered how she was going to tell him this. Okay Caitlin relax girl. okay Griff I have to tell you something really serious I don't know if you've guessed but iv sorta been like hurting myself aren't I crazy. No! Not that you know at Eric's party well I was really pissed off at Taylor and well. "So what did you want to tell me" Griffin interrupted her thoughts. Caitlin jumped. Griffin sat on the bed next to her. "Well its really hard for me to say. Iv changed and Iv been doing things that's really well disappointing as your mum and dad would call it." Griffin laughed. "What'd you do that's so bad."? "I um its complicated" Caitlin stutted. "You what slept with a guy or something" Griffin joked Caitlin could feel the tension ease Slightly as she laughed half-heartedly. "No its nothing like that but its well Iv done something really bad to me sort of." Griffin stared at her not knowing where she was heading with this. "So can you guess what iv done" Caitlin said quietly not daring to look at him. Griffin shook his head. "Not really can you tell me" "Il.Il give you a clue" Caitlin stammered she slowly turned her wrists so they were facing upward towards him. Caitlin couldn't look at him she felt like her heart was going to burst though her chest. "You cut your wrist," he finally said. Caitlin could only nod. "Why didn't you tell us Caitlin" his voice was sympathetic. "I thought you'd be angry and I thought they would send me away." She was sobbing harder now. Griffin could feel his anger rise. Dori and Jim had practically bent over backwards to help her and she wasn't even grateful for all they had done. " I can't believe you Caitlin I really can't." But Caitlin's mind was on that day when it first had happened.
* * * * * * *
I remember the day when I was thirteen like it was over twenty years ago even though I m not quite that old yet it was the day my foster parents yelled at me I mean really yelled at me and from then on I was in their bad books I knocked over my foster dads trophy don't ask me what it was for and it broke of course. He told me Id ruined his Life. That no wonder no one wanted me. I went to my room and pictured my mom When we where together. How I felt so safe with her. How shed died and left me. My fists where so tight the nails cut into my palms and this morning I found little dried-up blood marks on my hands. But I was sort of pleased about that- im not sure why. I wanted to suffer, to feel the pain with her. It was like she'd passed he suffering to me. I don't know.
* * * * * * *
Griffin put a hand on her shoulder "come on let's go downstairs mum and dad are home." "Caitlin, Griff you here." Caitlin's head shot up. Griffin started to pull her towards the door. Caitlin stepped back "Wait Griff your not going to tell them anything are you" Griffin glanced down at the floor. "We have to Caitlin mum and dad would help you they wouldn't be angry they'd be really concerned" Griffin said his voice barley a whisper. Caitlin felt her anger rise "and that's worse I don't want them worried about me." Her voice lowered "can you promise not to tell them please I.. I just can't right now okay" Griffin let out a shaky breath "all right for not but I don't want you running off and cutting yourself or Ill forget the promise and tell mum and dad first thing." Dori appeared at the door "you two all right" Caitlin's tough mask returned "sure don't worry about us." Dori nodded "well were going to a dinner at six. So get ready." Griffin caught her eye as she left the room. Great I suppose everyone from school will be there. Caitlin thought bitterly.