Hello, everyone!
Guess what?
Kate has spent too much time studying for her history final today!
And guess what that means?
You get another chapter!
Yayishness!
CHAPTER TWO AND ONE HALF
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"Oh, no!" Kate cried. "What if someone forgot what was happening! We should let them know what's going on."
Kel, Neal and Kate were on their way to Chapter Three. By some strange twist of fanfiction and caffeine (and of course, boredom), Kate had somehow been sucked into her own story!
"However," Kate said pointedly. "That does not under any circumstances make this story a Mary Sue."
Kate was stuck in her Not-Mary-Sue!
"Wait a minute," Neal said suddenly. "Kate, if you're The Author, and you're down here, who's writing this?"
"Who cares? Don't worry about it," she answered. Quickly, she looked at you. "I suggest you not worry about it either, m'dear. It will only make your head explode."
Kel mounted Peachblossom just as Neal mounted his horse.
"She has a name, you know!" Neal yelled.
WELL, WHAT IS IT THEN?
"It's er I forget," he finished sheepishly.
Kel mounted Peachblossom just as Neal mounted Aiphorgit.
"Wait, no, that's not oh, well, whatever," said Neal. He muttered to Kate, "Isn't that supposed to be you in the bold italics?"
"I told you, just don't think about it. Pretend there are two of me. Which, of course, there aren't" she finished, looking up at the two giant typing hands. "Right, then. Now I've confused myself." She blinked a couple of times.
"Let's get going," said Kel bluntly.
"I don't have a horse!" said Kate piteously.
A beautiful golden horse appeared next to her. It was wearing a large sign that said "Kate's horse."
"Go away!" Kate hissed at it. The horse disappeared.
"Why did you do that?" Kel asked, confused.
"Momentary insanity. But I still don't have a horse," Kate answered.
"Here, you can ride double with me," Neal offered.
Kate looked smug. She mounted Aiphorgit awkwardly and sat behind Neal, pressed up against his back. She looked even more smug than she had one sentence before.
"Let's go," announced Kel, and they rode at a quick canter towards what they hoped was Chapter Three.
CHAPTER THREE
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"Magnificent! We're going in the right direction!" cried Kate.
"But where are we supposed to be going? I know we're going forwards, but shouldn't we have some destination in mind?" Neal replied.
They were heading for the Palace.
"There we go."
"But we still don't know where we are"
They were in the middle of a forest.
"That's not helpful."
They were in the middle of a big, green forest.
Kel sighed. "It looks like The Author is being stubborn. We'll just have to stop and ask for directions."
After several minutes of riding in the big, green forest, Kate spotted an inn.
"Look!" she yelled, pointing her finger and deafening Neal. "An inn!" Something occurred to her, and she shouted again. "It's an inn on an ennnnnn dive!"
And sure enough, there was a giant vegetable holding up the inn.
As the group got closer, the sign in front of the inn got clearer. "The Wandering Ram," Kel read out loud. She paused. "But I've been there before! That's in Carthak!"
YES, WELL, TOO BAD. IT'S IN TORTALL NOW.
"Aha!" Neal cried. "So we're in a big, green forest in Tortall, are we?"
WELL, YEAH. BUT DIDN'T YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT?
"I don't think we knew that," stated Kel carefully.
There was a pause as The Author read back through her pages.
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU DIDN'T KNOW. BUT NOW YOU DO. SO QUIT QUIBBLING AND GO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!
Kel and Neal looked at each other, shrugged, and rode towards the inn. Kate still sat behind Neal, but she was mumbling things to herself, and they ignored her.
"Australopithicus afarensis, homo erectus, homo habilus," she muttered. "Homo sapiens neaderthalus, homo sapiens sapiens. Lucy, something-I-don't-remember, toolman, Neaderthal, Cro-Magnon." She suddenly stopped and began banging herself on the head. "Gah! Get out! Get out! This is supposed to be a safe place! Fanfiction is my safe haven! Get out, history, get out!"
Meanwhile, the horses reached the inn. Everyone paused what they were doing to stare at the sign that read
CHAPTER FOUR
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before dismounting and entering the inn on an ennnnnnn dive.
"Nyaaaaa, whaddya want?" grunted a extremely dirty man behind the counter.
Kel was taken aback. "But I thought Ahim was"
"You thought Ahim was wot? Ahim's 'ere, only 'e's busy. Witchis why I'm 'ere," growled the Dirty Man.
"But I was looking forward to seeing Ahim!" Kel whined.
"Yeah, well, da Author can't 'emember wot he looks like. So tough luck," said the Dirty Man.
"Yes, well, thank you, Mr. Dirty Man," said Neal, bowing. "Might you be able to point us in the direction of the Palace?"
"Go north for three and one eighth more miles, then turn fifty degrees counterclockwise and continue on for six and a quarter miles. You can't miss it," said Mr. Dirty Man.
"Er thank you," said Kate, obviously confused. They left in somewhat of a hurry.
Once back on their horses, the small group went north for three and one eighth more miles, then turned fifty degrees counterclockwise and continued on for six and a quarter miles. They couldn't miss it.
The high turrets of the Tortallan Palace soared over the skyline like a seagull that is about to drop its load on your head. And that was what the Tortallan Palace signified – the readiness of the Tortallan Army to drop onto the enemy's head, and blind them and gross them out, and then leave them defeated in the plains, just like a seagull leaves someone dejected in the sand.
"Okay, enough of the metaphor, already!" Neal shouted.
"It was a demented metaphor to begin with," Kel added. "I don't know why you expanded it like that."
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM SICK OF JUST THE TWO
"Three, actually," muttered Kate.
THREE OF YOU. I AM ADDING NEW CHARACTERS.
Kel, Kate and Neal took one step forward and passed the next sign.
CHAPTER FIVE
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Suddenly, two young men rode up on two white horses.
"Actually, my horse is brown," said one of them.
OH, SHUT UP.
"Righto, sorry."
They were both extremely handsome, smart, and single.
"Oh, joy!" shouted Kate, swooning. "Oh, rapture! I am in heaven!" She swooned some more, but no one caught her and she fell on the nasty muddy ground.
"Oh, gross," Kel muttered, wrinkling her nose. She turned her attention to the young men. "Dom! Reader's-Own-Choice-Of-Random-Sexy-Man-In-Tortall!"
"Kel! Meathead! Some other girl! How wonderful to see you! Although, I must say it's a bit sudden. Let me introduce my new yet very close friend, Rocor Smit." Rocor tipped his hat and winked in their general direction, and Kate, who had revived, swooned again and landed in the same mud puddle.
There was a short, surprised pause, and then Dom started talking again. "Well, in any case, I hear you have a problem. The Author is stuck in her story?"
"How did you know?" Kate asked him, enraptured.
"Well, I've been reading your story. I must say, it's a bit hard to follow."
"Humph," snorted Kate. She crossed her arms and looked put out.
"In any case, the king told me to tell you to tell The Author–"
"I have a name, you know," Kate said, getting irritated.
"And it is?"
"Lady Katharine Heartspark!" she cried, bending over into an elaborate bow.
"I thought you said your name was Kate," said Kel hesitantly. "And even if it isn't Kate, shouldn't it be Lydia?"
"My name is whatever I want it to be," said Gorgeous Goddess And Overall Beautiful Smart And Funny Lady.
"So I see," said Dom. Rocor Smit still hadn't said anything. He just stood in the margins with his arms crossed, looking like an extremely strong, handsome bodyguard. "Anyway," Dom continued pointedly. "The king said that he might have just the person to do the job at the Palace. So if you'll follow me"
He turned his horse and headed for the Palace. Rocor followed suit, and quickly Kel and Neal mounted their respective horses.
"Wait!" Kate wailed. "I don't have a horse again!" She looked suggestively at Neal.
"Not covered in mud, you're not," he said firmly.
"It's good for your complexion," Kate muttered. The golden horse with a sign reading "Kate's horse" re-appeared, and she mounted it sullenly. Finally ready, the group headed off for the Palace, and Chapter Six.
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That took longer than expected. Finals are actually over. Joy and rapture!
Gah. I hate coming down from sugar highs. It's so draining!
I just saw The Two Towers for the third time, and Legolas just gets hotter every time. And Gimli gets funnier. And Aragon gets more badass. And Frodo and Sam get more boring.
Don't forget – review! Reviews make my day. They make me feel warm and fuzzy.
Okay. I'm going away now.