Time For Zartan to Get His Butt Kicked

This is too easy, even for me, Zartan grinned beneath his mask. It was so easy to knock out one of the Joes from behind and impersonate him. He strode through the base towards where the Misfits were living. All I have to do is sneak in the Misfit's room and find those three brat's secret lab. The formula has to be in there. They'll never suspect a thing. By the time they find that Joe I'll be long gone!

"Hey Beach Head! Watch out!"

Beach Head? Oh wait that's the name of the Joe I'm impersonating, Zartan thought and turned around.

Just in time to get hit right in the forehead with a very hard red, white and blue shield.

"How many times do I have to tell you kids not to play Frisbee with my shield?" Steve shouted. It was the last thing Zartan heard before he blacked out.

"Sorry," Todd called out. He looked down at Beach Head. "Oops."

"Way to go Toad," Pietro remarked. "You just killed Beach Head!"

"He's not dead," Todd waved.

"No but he would have been if you had hit him any harder!" Steve snapped as he walked up and took back his shield.

"He's out cold!" Pietro looked at him. "Hey anybody wanna go watch TV?"

"I'm in!" Todd said cheerfully.

"Shouldn't we take him to the infirmary or something?" Steve pointed to the unconscious body.

"Don't worry," Pietro waved. "This kind of stuff happens to him all the time!"

"We'll take care of him!" Daria appeared with her sisters wearing their pink lab coats. "Girls! Let's go experiment on our newest patient!"

"YAYYYYY!" The Triplets cheered as they carried him off to their lab.

"Are you sure we shouldn't try to help him?" Steve asked.

"Would you want to go to their lab and stop them?" Pietro asked.

"You have a point," Steve shuddered. He followed them inside where the rest of the Misfits were watching television. "Shouldn't all of you be training or something?"

"Yeah, right," Lance laughed. "We're enjoying one of the few times we have a break."

"Where are the other adults?" Steve asked.

"Well Spirit and The Blind Master are doing some kind of training in the dojo," Lance said.

"Translation: They are hiding out and having a few drinks," Wanda snickered. "Although after this morning's potato incident I can't say I blame them."

"Potato incident?" Steve raised an eyebrow.

"My father in his never ending quest to get a date with Cover Girl decided to cook a special breakfast," Althea explained. "Unfortunately he made the mistake of ruining Roadblock's cooking while he did so. This led to a huge food fight war by which some very hot tater tots hit Cover Girl in the cheek. Now Low Light, who secretly likes Cover Girl but doesn't really want to admit it went bonkers on the both of them. Cover Girl then got ticked off at the lot of them and she started wailing on them. Needless to say, they are all in the infirmary for a few hours while Hawk chews them out."

"O—kay," Steve sat down. "I think I will sit down and watch some television with you."

"You know it is kind of comforting to see some insanity around here that we didn't start," Lance chuckled.

"What is this we're watching?" Steve blinked.

"It's the latest Aerosmith video," Lance said. "These guys rock!"

"Oh kid those puns were lame even in my day," Steve groaned. "I don't understand how they allow these kinds of pictures on a national wide broadcast! In my day if some one said 'hell' in the movies it was considered foul language!"

"Obviously a forerunner of the Osbornes," Althea snickered.

"I mean look at this! He's not even singing! He's screaming and gyrating like he's on fire! I mean I can't understand what people see in…" Steve stopped when he saw the image of several models in very skimpy bikinis dancing around.

"On the other hand…" Steve blinked as he watched the TV. "This century does have its up sides as well. I mean there is something to be said for freedom of expression. Is that a banana she's holding?"

"Figures," Wanda groaned. Then she heard a loud noise. "Hey what's going on upstairs?"

"Beach Head got knocked out," Todd said casually. "Trinity took him upstairs to patch him up."

"Well that explains the screaming," Althea said. "Is it just me or does Beach Head sound a little off key?"

"He'll sound better when they turn on the electric shocks," Pietro waved. "Yup, there he goes!"

"Maybe we really should help him?" Althea asked, wincing when she heard several banging sounds. Then a loud crash. "On the other hand he has been a bit of a jerk to us lately!"

"We really should go up there," Lance sighed. "Hey Cap…Cap?" He waved his hand in front of Steve who was now mesmerized by a Victoria's Secret commercial. "Cap!"

"Huh?" Steve blinked. "Oh…sorry kid my mind was a million miles away. What did you say?"

"Come on," Althea turned off the TV. "It's gonna take all of us to calm them down!" They went upstairs and heard the breaking of glass. They ran in and saw the Triplets casually looking out the window, which was broken. "What did you do now?"

"We just set Zartan on fire," Quinn said calmly.

"WHAT?" Althea shouted.

They all ran downstairs and out the door. They watched Zartan running like a maniac into two Joes. The real Beach Head and Duke were knocked down in his flight. Soon Zartan disappeared into the woods.

"What's going on?" Althea asked as she and Todd ran up to the Joes.

"Zartan knocked out Beach Head here," Duke told her. "We were going to warn you kids…but I think next time we should warn Zartan."

"Serves him right!" Beach Head snapped.

"What was he doing here?" Todd asked.

"Probably sneaking around looking for information," Beach Head groaned. "Could have something to do with finding out the secret formula for the Mass Device!"

"Something tells me it's gonna be a long time before he tries snooping around here again!" Duke chuckled.

"Guys we have a problem here!" Lance came up to them. "Pietro and Captain America are fighting over the remote!"

"Do you people have to warp everybody you come in contact with?" Beach Head groaned.

************************************************************************

Later on back at Cobra Headquarters….

"I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!" Cobra Commander screamed. "LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS!" He threw down a piece of paper.

Destro did take a look at it. "It's the international list of the top ten most wanted terrorist organizations. So?"

"Read it," Cobra Commander said. "Where's Cobra on the list?"

"I don't see it."

"Bingo!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We're not on it! I can't believe this!"

"Well you have to admit my dear Cobra Commander," Destro said. "There have been a few other groups that have been…how shall we say, more newsworthy lately?"

"Oh suuuurreee!" Cobra Commander drawled. "Blow up a few monuments and murder millions of innocent people. Any idiot can do that!"

"Yeah you've done it," Torch said.

"Precisely!" Cobra Commander snapped. Then he realized what he said and glared at Torch. "It takes a true criminal master mind to steal the monuments, hold them for ransom, and then blow them up! Or use them for their personal entertainment! Terrorists today have no imagination! Once we have the Mass Device working we can steal all the buildings we want! We can take Interpol! Scotland Yard! Use their files and intelligence against them! Steal Fort Knox for the gold! Use the Taj Mahal as my own personal beach house! The possibilities are endless!"

"Hey yeah!" Buzzer said. "You could steal the White House and turn it into a hotel! Charge people to stay in the rooms!"

"Somebody already beat him to it!" Torch snickered.

"Who are you trying to be this week?" Cobra Commander snapped. "The Cobra answer to Larry Seinfeild?"

"Sir good news!" An aide ran up. "You are actually on a list…Cobra's number eleven on the list of most feared and despised terrorist organizations!" He showed him the paper.

"Number eleven?" Cobra Commander glared at him. "Number eleven? And just how is that supposed to make me feel better huh? HOW?"

"Well…at least you're not number 12," The aide gulped. "I think I'll run away now." Which he did until Cobra Commander shot him. "OW! MY BUTT! THAT HURTS!"

"I don't believe this!" Cobra Commander paced back and forth. "Once we were the most feared agency the world had ever known! Now lunatics in turbans are replacing us! It's not fair! It's just not fair!"

"Look who's talking about fashion sense," Zartan muttered. He was covered in bandages from head to toe.

"Well maybe if I had some competent help I wouldn't have this problem!" Cobra Commander hissed.

"It's not my fault!" Zartan snapped. "Those brats are maniacs! There's no way we can get the formula from the Joe base!"

"But there is a way we can get it from SHIELD!" A raspy German voice spoke from the shadows. A huge figure, standing about seven feet tall emerged. He wore a dark green armored outfit and his head was completely red, looking more like a skull than a face. "I have now just obtained the plans and the recent whereabouts of SHEILD'S floating base! Soon, very soon the formula will be ours!"

"This is good news…Red Skull," Cobra Commander nodded.

"Just give me a squad of your best men and I will personally obtain the formula!" The Red Skull told him.

"Fine, these soldiers here are my best," He pointed to a few troupers standing around.

"We are?" A pudgy trooper asked before another one elbowed him in the side.

"Yes you are!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Go forth Red Skull, my new ally. Together we will conquer the world!"

The Red Skull bowed and walked away."Fool," The Red Skull sneered. "Little do they know that I, the Red Skull will keep this formula for myself! With the formula I will soon be able to control Cobra and then…the World! And this time Captain America will not be able to stop me! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!" He laughed evilly.

"Hey!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We can still hear you ya know?"

"Huh?" The Red Skull turned around and found that he had not left the chamber. He had only gone a few feet away from Cobra Commander and the others. "Did I say control Cobra? I mean…I will serve Cobra! Heil…I mean Hail Cobra!" He scuttled away as fast as he could.

"So that's the infamous Red Skull?" Buzzer asked. "The bloke who nearly helped Hitler rule the world back in WWII? Captain America's mortal enemy? The man who struck terror into the hearts of men and all that crap?"

"I'm afraid it is," Cobra Commander sighed.

"He seems to have lost a little bit of his edge hasn't he?" Buzzer asked.

Cobra Commander waved. "Destro, take a note. No more trying to recruit people using the personal ads! I'm going to lie down! I'm developing another migraine!"