Spike walked through the graveyard with a shotgun in his hand.
Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy
Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel all right.
There was a rustling noise in the bushes. He aimed.
Got a nusie by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night
There's not feeling any greater, than to shoot first and ask questions later
Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy every day.
He fired, and there was a loud yelp from behind the bushes. Buffy leapt out, waving her arms around yelling. Spike stared and lowered his gun.
"What the hell did you think you were doing?!"
Well you can't take my guns away I got a constitutional right
Yeah I gotta be ready if the commies attack us tonight
I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson,
That out to teach them all a darn good lesson
Now I'm Trigger Happy, Trigger happy every day
"I thought you were a Vampire."
"Why would you shoot a vampire?!" Spike shrugged.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
Spike put the gun back as his side, and walked next to Buffy as they patrolled. He pointed at a fresh grave and Buffy got her stake ready.
Oh I accidently shot Daddy last night in the den. (Shot Daddy, in the den)
I mistook him in the dark for a drug crazed Nazi again. (Drug Crazed, Nazi again)
Oh why'd you half to get so mad? It was just a lousy flesh wound dad.
You know I'm Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy every day.
As soon as the vamp crawled out of the grave, Buffy leapt into action. But then, Spike pushed her aside and began to shoot furiously at the Vampire.
Oh I still haven't figured out that safety on my rifle yet.
Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet.
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead, We'll half to use him for a pencil instead.
Well I'm Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy every day.
Buffy smacked Spike.
"What the HELL are you doing? You can't kill a vampire like that!" Spike frowned.
"Who cares!" he shouted, and kept shooting at the vampire who was now screaming in pain.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
Buffy just shook her head and walked away. Some things just weren't worth arguing about. While Spike was busy shooting, a gang of Vampires closed in on him.
Come on and grab your ammo, What have you got to loose?
We'll get all liquored up and shoot at anything that moves!
"Why-" shot "Won't-" shot "You-" shot "Die!?" shot.
Got a brand-new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight.
Oh I'm praying somebody tries to brake in here tonight.
I always keep a magnum in my trunk,
You better ask yourself do you feel lucky punk?
Because I'm Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy every day!
They leapt on him and bullets flew everywhere. Buffy would have gone back to help him, but she thought he was off his rocker and the world would be a better place without him anyway.
"Buffy! Buffy! Help! I'm almost out of ammo!"
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
When Buffy got home, things seemed better. Willow and Tara were watching TV, and there was a lot of shouting coming from it.
"What are you watching?" she asked.
"Oh Buffy! Hurry, come watch this!" Willow shouted, grabbing Buffy and pulling her onto the sofa.
What seemed to be Anya, was sitting on a chair, on the Jerry Springer stage.
It's Been one week since we got to see, cheating lovers and cousins that marry.
Five days since they had the show with the Hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho.
Three days since we heard the tale, about this guy who learned his woman was she-male.
Yesterday, it occurred to me, I been watching a bit to much Jerry Springer.
"Well Jerry, I'm here today to tell my fiancé I've been cheating on him." People in the audience gasp.
"Now who are you cheating on him with?"
"My old Vengeance Demon pale, Halfrek."
Holy Cow'd you see it last week?
Well they had this one freak, who sucker punched his whole family.
Do you recall when the brawl became a total free for all
and Jerry's in the middle the referee
"Well we just happen to have your fiancé, Xander, backstage and he's been watching."
Xander ran out and tries to jump on Anya, but is stopped by to guards.
"Bitch!" Xander yells, but is slightly muffled over the roar of the crowd.
"That's right! I'm a lesbian now! Halfrek gives me more orgasms than you even could!"
Hey see the stripper with the implants?
She likes to lapdance, and date the boyfriend of her mother.
Now here comes Jerry's next guest, and it's a slug fest,
Cause it's her trailer trash brother.
"That's where your wrong Anya! Could she give you this?!" Xander yelled and yanked his pants down. The censors came into play and the crowd went wild. He pulled his pants back up and fastened them.
"As a matter of fact, she can!"
This maniac is back on crack,
It's like when animals attack,
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior.
Hit them in the nose, Tear off there close,
Step on there toes, they get so violent they half to sign a wavier.
Halfrek walked out on stage and embraced Anya, kissing her passionately. Xander leapt on Halfrek before anyone could so anything and they began to fight, until broken up by a guard.
"I please her in ways you can't!" Halfrek yelled, holding Anya close to her.
"Yeah? Well I've got something to say to!"
There always swearing, cursing, kicking butt, and pointing blame.
On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame.
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change.
"I've been fucking Clem! That's right! I was just about to break it off, until this!" He said, making gestures with his hand.
"Well that's fine with me! Enjoy your new fucking buddy!" Anya turned and sobbed into Halfrek's chest and Clem came out on stage.
"Xander . . . "
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly,
They have a history of ripping off their shirts.
It's been one week since they had the fight,
With the Siamese twins and the Transvestite.
Five days since that awful brawl,
They still haven't got the blood off the wall.
"I've got something to admit to you, too." Xander whipped around to face Clem.
"What is it, baby?"
"I already slept with . . . Spike. I knew you were going to break it off, and I was so depressed! Can you ever forgive me?" Clem had a pleading look in his eye. Xander's eyes got a bit watery.
It's been three days since the bitter feud.,
Between the KKK and the gay Jewish black dude.
Yesterday, finally dawned on me,
Spending way to much time on that Jerry Springer.
Xander was silent for a moment and then embraced Clem. That's when Spike marched out on stage.
"Wait just a bloody second, welp! Clem, I've got to say something before you make a big mistake . . . "
Once you start watching, there's just no stopping.
Your brain shuts down and your IQ's dropping.
Jerry's the king of confrontation, He's a sensation,
He puts the 'syn' in 'syndication'.
"I'm completely in love with you!"
At this point, Buffy's eyes were bugging out of her head. Clem with Xander? Spike with Clem? Anya with Halfrek? Things were getting twisted!
Both Clem, and Xander gasped.
"Well Clem, you've captured the hearts of two men. What are you going to do?" Jerry Said. "Will it be Spike or Xander?"
The crowd began to chant 'Spike!' or 'Xander!'
He's totally worthless like a bad check, it's like a train wreck,
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away.
Like Sally Jessie he does Talk Shows, but with more weirdos,
The ratings jumping higher every day.
Clem thought for a moment before coming to a conclusion.
"Now Xander, I love you. Spike, I love you too. So can I love you both? At the same time?"
Spike and Xander looked at each other. "With him?!" they said in unison.
If you've seen the show well then you know just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and there lacking in there hygiene.
And pretty soon some ugly goon comes in the room
And then it's boom in the face of some unsuspecting drag queen.
Spike walked over to Xander and shook his hand. Then they embraced. Then they kissed. Clem ginned.
"Hallie! I want a threesome! That means twice as many orgasms!"
"I know who would be perfect. You don't mind a male, do you?"
Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities,
Yanking hair throwing chairs at there hubbies
"Jerry, Jerry!" now the crowd starts there favorite chant.
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't.
Halfrek walked over to Jerry and embraced him.
"What do you say? Two hot horny women in bed . . . " Jerry looked unsure. Of course, he shouldn't say yes. Or at least on stage. He leaned over to her ear.
"After show," he whispered.
I have a tendency to watch it religiously, I have a history of taping each one.
It's been one week since the show about, Psycho killers with problems they should work out.
Five days since the big surprise, some loser's wife says she's still dating twenty guys.
Three days since the interview, a bunch of psychic Porn Star midgets who are all nude.
"That's all for tonight folks!" Jerry said, as he walked off stage, one arm around Anya and the other around Halfrek. Spike, Clem, and Xander, were busy talking to Steve, trying to see if he was interested.
Buffy just sort of stared at the TV long after it was shut off. So, Spike didn't love her anymore? But Spike always loved her! He just left her like that?
"Buffy!" Willow yelled, trying to get her attention. She sighed. "Tara, could you go to the store and pick up some dinner? I have the neighbors car keys that Dawn swiped for me."
Tara's eyes widened and her heart skipped a beat. And suddenly, she became partially deaf, but she didn't notice. Shopping? She hadn't been shopping since the great ice cream accident of 1989!
"I'll go!" She screamed, because she couldn't hear how loud she was talking. She grabbed the keys from Willow's hand and rand out to the door to the neighbor's house.
Then, she suddenly began to go blind. It took her a few tries to jam the key in the ignition, but finally managed to.
I hear those Ice Cream and I start to drool.
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school.
Yeah the chocolates getting old
Vanilla just leaves me cold.
She drove down the road like a maniac. But that was just because she couldn't see. There were a few loud 'thumps' and a few screams, but she was too caught up to notice.
She raced inside the store and ran blindly up and down the isles.
There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me.
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon I know what I need.
Baby I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and by Half a Gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me.
She began to finger the items on the shelves, and accidentally finger a few other things as well. She breathed faster. Where was the ice cream?
"Excuse me!" She screamed at what she hoped to be someone who worked at the store. "Do you know where the ice cream is?!"
They tell me Ice Cream junkies are all the same.
All the Soda Jerkers know my name.
When there supply is gone, then I'll be moving on.
But I'll be back on Monday Afternoon, you'll see.
Another Truckloads coming in for me, all for me.
"Next aisle over," a female voice answered. Screaming with glee, she hopped over the shelves and landed with a plop. She began to open jars and lick them frantically. Peanut Butter? What was that doing there? She let out a wail. Wrong aisle!
I'm singing, I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone.
And if I get fat and loose my teeth, that's fine with me.
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key.
She ran back to the aisle she came from, and went over another aisle. She fingered the doors and let out a happy sigh. If she could see, she'd notice all the people staring at her, and of she could hear, she'd hear the store manager yelling at her to get out and put some clothes on, which had mysteriously disappeared.
Singing I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
She broke threw the glass door and began ripping off lids and smelling around for Rocky Road. Once she found it, she shoved her face in it and began to eat. Every time someone got near her, she'd let out a snarl.
I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
She drove home with a trunk full of Ice Cream. Unfortunately, she forgot it was there and the next day it melted and the neighbors weren't to happy, seeing as it was their car.
Buffy awoke the next day, hoping it had all been a dream. She hoped there was no Spike/Xander/Clem and Anya/Halfrek/Jerry, and no melted Ice Cream. So, to make sure everything was all right, for no particular reason she broke down Dawn's Bedroom door.
"DAWN!" she screeched. "IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?!"
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
"Get out, get out, get out!" Dawn screamed. She was only half dressed, and had been frantically trying to put her clothes on but had forgotten how. When she realized Buffy hadn't move, she screamed again. "Get out, get out, get out!"
"What? Oh. I was just thinking about how I was ripped out of heaven."
Couldn't think of any lyrics, no I never wrote the lyrics.
So I'll just sing any old lyrics that come to mind, child.
You really need words, whole lotta rhyming words.
You gotta write so many words,
to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it Right child.
Still only half dressed, Dawn stumbled down the hallway and knocked on the bathroom door.
"Get out, get out, get out!" She screamed. Tara slowly opened the door. She looked completely different, she seemed to have put on a few pounds. Then she vomited all over Dawn and left. Dawn didn't seem to mind. The vomit covered up her bare flesh so she wouldn't have to bother with getting dressed.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
She exited the bathroom and walked down to the kitchen. Willow was there, serving up pancakes and Buffy was drinking a funky looking brown liquid.
"Water," Buffy said, answering the unasked question.
"Get out, get out, get out!"
I know that your probably sore, cause I didn't write any more.
I just didn't get to complete it, so that's why I gotta repeat it
This song's just six words long. Six Words Long.
This song's just six words long. Six Words Long.
Everyone left the kitchen. Dawn sat down to eat the gooey batter that was supposedly pancakes. Either that, or it was some kind of deadly substance and a few hours after eating it, she would die. She stared out the window at Tara who was licking the melted ice cream out of the neighbors car, and the neighbors were busy screaming at her.
Oh I make a lot of money, they pay me a ton of money.
They're paying me plenty of money, to sing this song child.
I gotta fill time, three minutes worth of time. Oh how will I fill so much time?
I'll throw in, a solo, a solo, a solo, a solo, a solo, a solo here!
Dawn walked in the door of the magic box. She had magically appeared there since walking wasn't much fun.
"Hello Anya! Get out, get out, get out!" she screamed. Anya left. Dawn walked up to the cash register, banged her head on it, and it opened.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
As she left the magic shop, people stared. Her butt had mysteriously grown larger and the Magic Box mysteriously lost money. She waddled down the road and went into a clothing store. She needed bigger pants for her better bigger butt to fit in.
This song's got nothing to say, but I'm recording it anyway.
I know if I put my mind to it, I know I could find a good rhyme here.
Oh you gotta have a music! You need really catchy music.
This song has got plenty of music, but just six words child.
"Get out, get out, get out!" she screamed at the people in the store. Fearing her loud voice, they left. She browsed the pants. Ugly, all of them. She sighed. Then she saw a lovely blanket hanging on the rack. Who needed clothes?
And so I'll sing them over, and over and over and over. And over, and over and over.
And over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again!
Six words long, six words long,
Six words long, Six words long.
So she walked happily out of the store with money taped to her ass, vomit covering her body, and a blanket.
She passed Buffy who walked by with Giles tied to her back.
"Come on Giles! Let's go shopping!" Buffy cried out with glee.
I met him in a swamp down in Dagoba,
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda.
S-O-D-A Soda
Looking at a can of beans, Buffy frowned. She picked it up off the store shelf, and looked at it.
"Giles, how much does this ear of corn cost?" she asked, holding the can up.
"Their beans, not corn."
"Where would I be without you? I need you for everything!"
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log,
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda.
Y-O-D-A Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda
Giles wiped his glasses clean. Weather it was for no reason, or because Buffy kept flinging mud on them, he didn't know.
"Giles, I have to use the bathroom but I can't go alone. Will you help me?"
Well I've been around but I ain't ever seen
A guy who looks like a muppet but he's wrinkled and green
Oh my Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
They came out of the bathroom and people stared. That was just creepy. But that was nothing compared to the noises that had gone on inside.
"Giles, I forgot how to walk. Your so smart and nice, will you carry me?"
Buffy wasn't sure what had come over her. Things had been going wrong. And Dawn's butt was just way to big. She had no control over what she was saying.
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can lift me in the air just by rasing his hand.
Oh my Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
So Giles carried Buffy back to the magic shop, and she decided to see if there was any demon that caused freaky parody music to come from no where and people to act strangely.
"Giles what's this word?"
"A."
"This word?"
"Demon."
"This?"
"That."
"This!"
"I said 'that'!"
Well I left home just a week before, and I never ever been a Jedi before.
But Obi-Wan he set me straight, of course,
He said go to Yoda and he'll show you the force.
Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben,
So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again with my Yoda.
Holding Buffy's hand so she wouldn't get lost, he crossed the street and went into the airport.
"Get me out of here!" he pleaded. He threw Buffy on the ground and hopped on a plane to Vegas.
"Giles!" Buffy cried out. "I don't know how to get home!"
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
So Giles, feeling guilty, came back and lead her home. There he gave her a bath and spoon fed her.
"Giles, read me a bed time story." He sighed.
"Once upon a time there was a slayer . . ."
So I used the force. I picked up a box. I lifted some rock. While I stood on my head.
Well I won't forget what Yoda said. He said "Luke stay away from the darker side
and if you start to go astray let the force be your guide."
Oh my Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
Still completely awake, she cried out "Your so smart!" Then abruptly she regained control and went out patrolling.
"Where the hell is this music still coming from?!" She yelled at the music still playing in the sky.
"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed,
But remember if you kill them, then you'll be unemployed."
Oh my Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
Buffy frowned. She pulled out a book that she had been trying to read earlier. She mumbled and flipped through the pages.
"Musical Demons." She read through the list. "Well, luckily there's been no Polka so that crossed out this demon..."
Well I heard my friend's really got in a mess, so I'm gonna half to leave Yoda I guess.
But I know that I'll be coming back some day, I'll be playing this part till I'm old and gray.
The long term contract I had to sign, says I'll be making these movies till the end of time with
My Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
Then the music abruptly stopped. Is that a sign? She though to herself. Maybe her friends were in trouble. She raced off to find them.
Oh no.
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
So tell us what you want, what you really really want.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
So tell us what you want, what you really really want.
Polka. With Spice Girls in it. Polka. Bad sign. That could only mean one demon was behind it, one demon so evil,
"Weird Al!" she shouted in triumph. She discovered it without help from anyone. Now where were her friends?
I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha,
I wanna really really really wanna zigga zigga ah.
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever, friendship never ends.
Out in the middle of the street, was all her friends and then some. All dancing and grooving the polka.
"Stop stop! This is madness!" she cried out. Then she spied a man, with an accordian. She suspected that to be Weird Al. And besides, he was the one singing.
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is, Hey!
I'm not sick, but I'm not well,
And I'm so hot, 'cause I'm in hell.
Yup, that was the guy singing.
"Hey!" she yelled in his direction. He looked over at her but just continued singing. He didn't really seem like a bad demon. Was there some way to defeat him, yet let him live? No one was burning up in flames yet.
I'm not sick, but I'm not well.
And it's a sin to live so well.
Ghetto superstar, that is what you are.
Coming from afar, reaching for the stars.
Buffy couldn't take the song any longer. She knew this was a long song, too. About four minutes. And people in the streets were collapsing from over dancing and getting hit by drivers Dancing and Driving.
"Hey you! Don't dance and drive!" she yelled, waving her fist at a car which happened to be driven by Spike. He crashed into a log cabin, flew out the window (No Seatbelt, the fool), and landed perfectly on a long stick. He turned to dust, Buffy let out a little sob, but was then distracted by a drunk dancing Angel. Make that, naked drunk dancing Angel.
Run away with me, to another place
We can rely on each other, uh huh
From one corner to another, uh huh
"Hey! Stop playing Polka!" she whined. Weird Al sent a glare at her and abruptly stopped playing. She opened her mouth the say something but noticed the eerie silence. Then, a distant noise broke the silence.
An Explosion?
That set off a chain reaction. One explosion after another. It went faster and faster.
Before Buffy knew what was going on, her beloved brooding Angel abruptly exploded. She wailed. Then as quickly as Weird Al stopped playing, he started again and the explosions suddenly stopped.
Everybody (yeah)
Rock your body (yeah)
Everybody
Rock your body right
Backstreet's back, all right
All right
So, it was listen to evil polka, or watch all her friends and everyone she's ever known explode. Then Buffy came up with a great idea! She had a remote with her! She pressed the fast forward button so she wouldn't have to suffer the rest of the song, nor would the author need to think of things to put between the lyrics.
Closing time, one last call for alcohol
So finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time, you don't have to go home
But you can't stay here
Buffy tapped her foot.
"Any day now," she said. Weird Al stopped again.
"I'll go at my own pace." Then Willow and Xander exploded. Buffy let out a short shriek. Weird Al suddenly got very bored. His throat was a bit dry from all this singing. He reached over and got a bottle of water and downed it. Meanwhile, people everywhere were exploding.
Then Buffy exploded. And since the show was named after her, and Universe suddenly exploded. Then Joss Whedon cried because I killed Buffy. Then the fans cried. Then they murdered me for killing Spike and Angel. I died, and no one really knows what happened after that. But they sure as hell didn't live happily ever after.
Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy
Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel all right.
There was a rustling noise in the bushes. He aimed.
Got a nusie by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night
There's not feeling any greater, than to shoot first and ask questions later
Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy every day.
He fired, and there was a loud yelp from behind the bushes. Buffy leapt out, waving her arms around yelling. Spike stared and lowered his gun.
"What the hell did you think you were doing?!"
Well you can't take my guns away I got a constitutional right
Yeah I gotta be ready if the commies attack us tonight
I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson,
That out to teach them all a darn good lesson
Now I'm Trigger Happy, Trigger happy every day
"I thought you were a Vampire."
"Why would you shoot a vampire?!" Spike shrugged.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
Spike put the gun back as his side, and walked next to Buffy as they patrolled. He pointed at a fresh grave and Buffy got her stake ready.
Oh I accidently shot Daddy last night in the den. (Shot Daddy, in the den)
I mistook him in the dark for a drug crazed Nazi again. (Drug Crazed, Nazi again)
Oh why'd you half to get so mad? It was just a lousy flesh wound dad.
You know I'm Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy every day.
As soon as the vamp crawled out of the grave, Buffy leapt into action. But then, Spike pushed her aside and began to shoot furiously at the Vampire.
Oh I still haven't figured out that safety on my rifle yet.
Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet.
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead, We'll half to use him for a pencil instead.
Well I'm Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy every day.
Buffy smacked Spike.
"What the HELL are you doing? You can't kill a vampire like that!" Spike frowned.
"Who cares!" he shouted, and kept shooting at the vampire who was now screaming in pain.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
Buffy just shook her head and walked away. Some things just weren't worth arguing about. While Spike was busy shooting, a gang of Vampires closed in on him.
Come on and grab your ammo, What have you got to loose?
We'll get all liquored up and shoot at anything that moves!
"Why-" shot "Won't-" shot "You-" shot "Die!?" shot.
Got a brand-new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight.
Oh I'm praying somebody tries to brake in here tonight.
I always keep a magnum in my trunk,
You better ask yourself do you feel lucky punk?
Because I'm Trigger Happy, Trigger Happy every day!
They leapt on him and bullets flew everywhere. Buffy would have gone back to help him, but she thought he was off his rocker and the world would be a better place without him anyway.
"Buffy! Buffy! Help! I'm almost out of ammo!"
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Trigger, Trigger happy, Yes I'm Trigger, Trigger Happy.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
Better watch out punk or I'm gonna half to blow you away.
When Buffy got home, things seemed better. Willow and Tara were watching TV, and there was a lot of shouting coming from it.
"What are you watching?" she asked.
"Oh Buffy! Hurry, come watch this!" Willow shouted, grabbing Buffy and pulling her onto the sofa.
What seemed to be Anya, was sitting on a chair, on the Jerry Springer stage.
It's Been one week since we got to see, cheating lovers and cousins that marry.
Five days since they had the show with the Hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho.
Three days since we heard the tale, about this guy who learned his woman was she-male.
Yesterday, it occurred to me, I been watching a bit to much Jerry Springer.
"Well Jerry, I'm here today to tell my fiancé I've been cheating on him." People in the audience gasp.
"Now who are you cheating on him with?"
"My old Vengeance Demon pale, Halfrek."
Holy Cow'd you see it last week?
Well they had this one freak, who sucker punched his whole family.
Do you recall when the brawl became a total free for all
and Jerry's in the middle the referee
"Well we just happen to have your fiancé, Xander, backstage and he's been watching."
Xander ran out and tries to jump on Anya, but is stopped by to guards.
"Bitch!" Xander yells, but is slightly muffled over the roar of the crowd.
"That's right! I'm a lesbian now! Halfrek gives me more orgasms than you even could!"
Hey see the stripper with the implants?
She likes to lapdance, and date the boyfriend of her mother.
Now here comes Jerry's next guest, and it's a slug fest,
Cause it's her trailer trash brother.
"That's where your wrong Anya! Could she give you this?!" Xander yelled and yanked his pants down. The censors came into play and the crowd went wild. He pulled his pants back up and fastened them.
"As a matter of fact, she can!"
This maniac is back on crack,
It's like when animals attack,
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior.
Hit them in the nose, Tear off there close,
Step on there toes, they get so violent they half to sign a wavier.
Halfrek walked out on stage and embraced Anya, kissing her passionately. Xander leapt on Halfrek before anyone could so anything and they began to fight, until broken up by a guard.
"I please her in ways you can't!" Halfrek yelled, holding Anya close to her.
"Yeah? Well I've got something to say to!"
There always swearing, cursing, kicking butt, and pointing blame.
On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame.
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change.
"I've been fucking Clem! That's right! I was just about to break it off, until this!" He said, making gestures with his hand.
"Well that's fine with me! Enjoy your new fucking buddy!" Anya turned and sobbed into Halfrek's chest and Clem came out on stage.
"Xander . . . "
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly,
They have a history of ripping off their shirts.
It's been one week since they had the fight,
With the Siamese twins and the Transvestite.
Five days since that awful brawl,
They still haven't got the blood off the wall.
"I've got something to admit to you, too." Xander whipped around to face Clem.
"What is it, baby?"
"I already slept with . . . Spike. I knew you were going to break it off, and I was so depressed! Can you ever forgive me?" Clem had a pleading look in his eye. Xander's eyes got a bit watery.
It's been three days since the bitter feud.,
Between the KKK and the gay Jewish black dude.
Yesterday, finally dawned on me,
Spending way to much time on that Jerry Springer.
Xander was silent for a moment and then embraced Clem. That's when Spike marched out on stage.
"Wait just a bloody second, welp! Clem, I've got to say something before you make a big mistake . . . "
Once you start watching, there's just no stopping.
Your brain shuts down and your IQ's dropping.
Jerry's the king of confrontation, He's a sensation,
He puts the 'syn' in 'syndication'.
"I'm completely in love with you!"
At this point, Buffy's eyes were bugging out of her head. Clem with Xander? Spike with Clem? Anya with Halfrek? Things were getting twisted!
Both Clem, and Xander gasped.
"Well Clem, you've captured the hearts of two men. What are you going to do?" Jerry Said. "Will it be Spike or Xander?"
The crowd began to chant 'Spike!' or 'Xander!'
He's totally worthless like a bad check, it's like a train wreck,
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away.
Like Sally Jessie he does Talk Shows, but with more weirdos,
The ratings jumping higher every day.
Clem thought for a moment before coming to a conclusion.
"Now Xander, I love you. Spike, I love you too. So can I love you both? At the same time?"
Spike and Xander looked at each other. "With him?!" they said in unison.
If you've seen the show well then you know just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and there lacking in there hygiene.
And pretty soon some ugly goon comes in the room
And then it's boom in the face of some unsuspecting drag queen.
Spike walked over to Xander and shook his hand. Then they embraced. Then they kissed. Clem ginned.
"Hallie! I want a threesome! That means twice as many orgasms!"
"I know who would be perfect. You don't mind a male, do you?"
Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities,
Yanking hair throwing chairs at there hubbies
"Jerry, Jerry!" now the crowd starts there favorite chant.
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't.
Halfrek walked over to Jerry and embraced him.
"What do you say? Two hot horny women in bed . . . " Jerry looked unsure. Of course, he shouldn't say yes. Or at least on stage. He leaned over to her ear.
"After show," he whispered.
I have a tendency to watch it religiously, I have a history of taping each one.
It's been one week since the show about, Psycho killers with problems they should work out.
Five days since the big surprise, some loser's wife says she's still dating twenty guys.
Three days since the interview, a bunch of psychic Porn Star midgets who are all nude.
"That's all for tonight folks!" Jerry said, as he walked off stage, one arm around Anya and the other around Halfrek. Spike, Clem, and Xander, were busy talking to Steve, trying to see if he was interested.
Buffy just sort of stared at the TV long after it was shut off. So, Spike didn't love her anymore? But Spike always loved her! He just left her like that?
"Buffy!" Willow yelled, trying to get her attention. She sighed. "Tara, could you go to the store and pick up some dinner? I have the neighbors car keys that Dawn swiped for me."
Tara's eyes widened and her heart skipped a beat. And suddenly, she became partially deaf, but she didn't notice. Shopping? She hadn't been shopping since the great ice cream accident of 1989!
"I'll go!" She screamed, because she couldn't hear how loud she was talking. She grabbed the keys from Willow's hand and rand out to the door to the neighbor's house.
Then, she suddenly began to go blind. It took her a few tries to jam the key in the ignition, but finally managed to.
I hear those Ice Cream and I start to drool.
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school.
Yeah the chocolates getting old
Vanilla just leaves me cold.
She drove down the road like a maniac. But that was just because she couldn't see. There were a few loud 'thumps' and a few screams, but she was too caught up to notice.
She raced inside the store and ran blindly up and down the isles.
There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me.
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon I know what I need.
Baby I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and by Half a Gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me.
She began to finger the items on the shelves, and accidentally finger a few other things as well. She breathed faster. Where was the ice cream?
"Excuse me!" She screamed at what she hoped to be someone who worked at the store. "Do you know where the ice cream is?!"
They tell me Ice Cream junkies are all the same.
All the Soda Jerkers know my name.
When there supply is gone, then I'll be moving on.
But I'll be back on Monday Afternoon, you'll see.
Another Truckloads coming in for me, all for me.
"Next aisle over," a female voice answered. Screaming with glee, she hopped over the shelves and landed with a plop. She began to open jars and lick them frantically. Peanut Butter? What was that doing there? She let out a wail. Wrong aisle!
I'm singing, I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone.
And if I get fat and loose my teeth, that's fine with me.
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key.
She ran back to the aisle she came from, and went over another aisle. She fingered the doors and let out a happy sigh. If she could see, she'd notice all the people staring at her, and of she could hear, she'd hear the store manager yelling at her to get out and put some clothes on, which had mysteriously disappeared.
Singing I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
She broke threw the glass door and began ripping off lids and smelling around for Rocky Road. Once she found it, she shoved her face in it and began to eat. Every time someone got near her, she'd let out a snarl.
I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy half a gallon baby?
I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me!
She drove home with a trunk full of Ice Cream. Unfortunately, she forgot it was there and the next day it melted and the neighbors weren't to happy, seeing as it was their car.
Buffy awoke the next day, hoping it had all been a dream. She hoped there was no Spike/Xander/Clem and Anya/Halfrek/Jerry, and no melted Ice Cream. So, to make sure everything was all right, for no particular reason she broke down Dawn's Bedroom door.
"DAWN!" she screeched. "IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?!"
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
"Get out, get out, get out!" Dawn screamed. She was only half dressed, and had been frantically trying to put her clothes on but had forgotten how. When she realized Buffy hadn't move, she screamed again. "Get out, get out, get out!"
"What? Oh. I was just thinking about how I was ripped out of heaven."
Couldn't think of any lyrics, no I never wrote the lyrics.
So I'll just sing any old lyrics that come to mind, child.
You really need words, whole lotta rhyming words.
You gotta write so many words,
to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it Right child.
Still only half dressed, Dawn stumbled down the hallway and knocked on the bathroom door.
"Get out, get out, get out!" She screamed. Tara slowly opened the door. She looked completely different, she seemed to have put on a few pounds. Then she vomited all over Dawn and left. Dawn didn't seem to mind. The vomit covered up her bare flesh so she wouldn't have to bother with getting dressed.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
She exited the bathroom and walked down to the kitchen. Willow was there, serving up pancakes and Buffy was drinking a funky looking brown liquid.
"Water," Buffy said, answering the unasked question.
"Get out, get out, get out!"
I know that your probably sore, cause I didn't write any more.
I just didn't get to complete it, so that's why I gotta repeat it
This song's just six words long. Six Words Long.
This song's just six words long. Six Words Long.
Everyone left the kitchen. Dawn sat down to eat the gooey batter that was supposedly pancakes. Either that, or it was some kind of deadly substance and a few hours after eating it, she would die. She stared out the window at Tara who was licking the melted ice cream out of the neighbors car, and the neighbors were busy screaming at her.
Oh I make a lot of money, they pay me a ton of money.
They're paying me plenty of money, to sing this song child.
I gotta fill time, three minutes worth of time. Oh how will I fill so much time?
I'll throw in, a solo, a solo, a solo, a solo, a solo, a solo here!
Dawn walked in the door of the magic box. She had magically appeared there since walking wasn't much fun.
"Hello Anya! Get out, get out, get out!" she screamed. Anya left. Dawn walked up to the cash register, banged her head on it, and it opened.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
This song's just six words long,
This song's just six words long.
As she left the magic shop, people stared. Her butt had mysteriously grown larger and the Magic Box mysteriously lost money. She waddled down the road and went into a clothing store. She needed bigger pants for her better bigger butt to fit in.
This song's got nothing to say, but I'm recording it anyway.
I know if I put my mind to it, I know I could find a good rhyme here.
Oh you gotta have a music! You need really catchy music.
This song has got plenty of music, but just six words child.
"Get out, get out, get out!" she screamed at the people in the store. Fearing her loud voice, they left. She browsed the pants. Ugly, all of them. She sighed. Then she saw a lovely blanket hanging on the rack. Who needed clothes?
And so I'll sing them over, and over and over and over. And over, and over and over.
And over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again!
Six words long, six words long,
Six words long, Six words long.
So she walked happily out of the store with money taped to her ass, vomit covering her body, and a blanket.
She passed Buffy who walked by with Giles tied to her back.
"Come on Giles! Let's go shopping!" Buffy cried out with glee.
I met him in a swamp down in Dagoba,
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda.
S-O-D-A Soda
Looking at a can of beans, Buffy frowned. She picked it up off the store shelf, and looked at it.
"Giles, how much does this ear of corn cost?" she asked, holding the can up.
"Their beans, not corn."
"Where would I be without you? I need you for everything!"
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log,
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda.
Y-O-D-A Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda
Giles wiped his glasses clean. Weather it was for no reason, or because Buffy kept flinging mud on them, he didn't know.
"Giles, I have to use the bathroom but I can't go alone. Will you help me?"
Well I've been around but I ain't ever seen
A guy who looks like a muppet but he's wrinkled and green
Oh my Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
They came out of the bathroom and people stared. That was just creepy. But that was nothing compared to the noises that had gone on inside.
"Giles, I forgot how to walk. Your so smart and nice, will you carry me?"
Buffy wasn't sure what had come over her. Things had been going wrong. And Dawn's butt was just way to big. She had no control over what she was saying.
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can lift me in the air just by rasing his hand.
Oh my Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
So Giles carried Buffy back to the magic shop, and she decided to see if there was any demon that caused freaky parody music to come from no where and people to act strangely.
"Giles what's this word?"
"A."
"This word?"
"Demon."
"This?"
"That."
"This!"
"I said 'that'!"
Well I left home just a week before, and I never ever been a Jedi before.
But Obi-Wan he set me straight, of course,
He said go to Yoda and he'll show you the force.
Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben,
So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again with my Yoda.
Holding Buffy's hand so she wouldn't get lost, he crossed the street and went into the airport.
"Get me out of here!" he pleaded. He threw Buffy on the ground and hopped on a plane to Vegas.
"Giles!" Buffy cried out. "I don't know how to get home!"
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
So Giles, feeling guilty, came back and lead her home. There he gave her a bath and spoon fed her.
"Giles, read me a bed time story." He sighed.
"Once upon a time there was a slayer . . ."
So I used the force. I picked up a box. I lifted some rock. While I stood on my head.
Well I won't forget what Yoda said. He said "Luke stay away from the darker side
and if you start to go astray let the force be your guide."
Oh my Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
Still completely awake, she cried out "Your so smart!" Then abruptly she regained control and went out patrolling.
"Where the hell is this music still coming from?!" She yelled at the music still playing in the sky.
"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed,
But remember if you kill them, then you'll be unemployed."
Oh my Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
Buffy frowned. She pulled out a book that she had been trying to read earlier. She mumbled and flipped through the pages.
"Musical Demons." She read through the list. "Well, luckily there's been no Polka so that crossed out this demon..."
Well I heard my friend's really got in a mess, so I'm gonna half to leave Yoda I guess.
But I know that I'll be coming back some day, I'll be playing this part till I'm old and gray.
The long term contract I had to sign, says I'll be making these movies till the end of time with
My Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda. Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yoda.
Then the music abruptly stopped. Is that a sign? She though to herself. Maybe her friends were in trouble. She raced off to find them.
Oh no.
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
So tell us what you want, what you really really want.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
So tell us what you want, what you really really want.
Polka. With Spice Girls in it. Polka. Bad sign. That could only mean one demon was behind it, one demon so evil,
"Weird Al!" she shouted in triumph. She discovered it without help from anyone. Now where were her friends?
I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha,
I wanna really really really wanna zigga zigga ah.
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever, friendship never ends.
Out in the middle of the street, was all her friends and then some. All dancing and grooving the polka.
"Stop stop! This is madness!" she cried out. Then she spied a man, with an accordian. She suspected that to be Weird Al. And besides, he was the one singing.
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is, Hey!
I'm not sick, but I'm not well,
And I'm so hot, 'cause I'm in hell.
Yup, that was the guy singing.
"Hey!" she yelled in his direction. He looked over at her but just continued singing. He didn't really seem like a bad demon. Was there some way to defeat him, yet let him live? No one was burning up in flames yet.
I'm not sick, but I'm not well.
And it's a sin to live so well.
Ghetto superstar, that is what you are.
Coming from afar, reaching for the stars.
Buffy couldn't take the song any longer. She knew this was a long song, too. About four minutes. And people in the streets were collapsing from over dancing and getting hit by drivers Dancing and Driving.
"Hey you! Don't dance and drive!" she yelled, waving her fist at a car which happened to be driven by Spike. He crashed into a log cabin, flew out the window (No Seatbelt, the fool), and landed perfectly on a long stick. He turned to dust, Buffy let out a little sob, but was then distracted by a drunk dancing Angel. Make that, naked drunk dancing Angel.
Run away with me, to another place
We can rely on each other, uh huh
From one corner to another, uh huh
"Hey! Stop playing Polka!" she whined. Weird Al sent a glare at her and abruptly stopped playing. She opened her mouth the say something but noticed the eerie silence. Then, a distant noise broke the silence.
An Explosion?
That set off a chain reaction. One explosion after another. It went faster and faster.
Before Buffy knew what was going on, her beloved brooding Angel abruptly exploded. She wailed. Then as quickly as Weird Al stopped playing, he started again and the explosions suddenly stopped.
Everybody (yeah)
Rock your body (yeah)
Everybody
Rock your body right
Backstreet's back, all right
All right
So, it was listen to evil polka, or watch all her friends and everyone she's ever known explode. Then Buffy came up with a great idea! She had a remote with her! She pressed the fast forward button so she wouldn't have to suffer the rest of the song, nor would the author need to think of things to put between the lyrics.
Closing time, one last call for alcohol
So finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time, you don't have to go home
But you can't stay here
Buffy tapped her foot.
"Any day now," she said. Weird Al stopped again.
"I'll go at my own pace." Then Willow and Xander exploded. Buffy let out a short shriek. Weird Al suddenly got very bored. His throat was a bit dry from all this singing. He reached over and got a bottle of water and downed it. Meanwhile, people everywhere were exploding.
Then Buffy exploded. And since the show was named after her, and Universe suddenly exploded. Then Joss Whedon cried because I killed Buffy. Then the fans cried. Then they murdered me for killing Spike and Angel. I died, and no one really knows what happened after that. But they sure as hell didn't live happily ever after.